All language subtitles for Only Fools S08 E01 - Heroes and Villains

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Our jetcopter has arrived, Raquel.
I'll summon the maid.

I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
How long's he going to be in there?

You can't rush him, sweetheart,
he's putting a very important deal.

He's talking to President
Reeves in Washington.

President Reeves! Really?

There you are Rodney, where you been?
Damien phoned for you an hour ago.

I know, but the state transportation workers
have gone on strike.

On strike? I thought Damien
had made strikes illegal.

Yes, the police were shooting them as I left.
Damien said he wanted to see me urgently.

I'll take you through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard it all before.

Bonnet Dedut.

All I'm saying Mr.President ...

Oh, shut up you tart!

Listen to me, Keanu. You just sit there
in the White House all day �

�twiddling your thumbs and just
playing at leadership!

People are beginning to see through you.

What's wrong with going to war with China?
War is good!

What a boy, eh?
Good boy!

Well, of course, millions will be killed.

A war without death is like
a salad without water-cress!

You worry too much...

I've got a busy night
so make the declaration tomorrow.

What's going on here?
I ordered a messanger over an hour ago!

He's here, Damie!
Damie, he's here. Look, there.

Uncle Rodney.

I want you in Beijing for the war �
you report back to me.

- War! I don't wanna go to war!
- War is good.

- I don't wanna go to war!
- What would your Uncle Albert say?

- I don't know!
- We'll ask him then, won't we?

During the war... During the war.
During the war...

- You rang, your Lordship?
- Cassandra! What are you doing here?

Damien took over my bank and fired me.
Now I'm the maid.

- It's a job, Rodney.
- No, this isn't fair!

- Rodney!
- It's not right, you shouldn't be doing this!

Everything was nice
and now you've messed it all up!

I wanna go back to how it used to be!

Rodney, wake up you dipstick!

Oh God, it was a dream.

Have you been smoking
that Rastafarian Old Holborn again?

No, no, I just drifted off there for a while.
Oh man, I had the wildest dream!

What was it all about? Was it about sunshine
and little birdies going tweet tweet tweet?

Alright, sorry! So what's happening?

What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.

We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm
clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.

We also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets

that turn out to be horse-riders' crash hats
that some git has sprayed red.

We've got a box of baseball caps
that even E17 fans wouldn't wear.

And also my home-improvement grant
has been rejected.

Apart from that,
everything is fine!

Thank God! Everything normal.

Raquel, darling,
there's a letter out here for you.

What's the matter with you anyway, falling asleep
at quarter to eight in the morning?

Don't you get enough sleep at home
or what?

You know my situation!

It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit?

The hospital's worked out
another schedule for us.

I'm at it like a rattlesnake!
It's horrible.

I always thought that was your ambition!

Well, some people dream of singing La Traviata
at the Royal Opera House, don't they?

It don't mean they wanna sing it
three bloody times a night.

No, enought to make your throat sore,
wouldn't it?

They've put her on a
special diet and all that.

The gynecologist, he reckons
it's only a matter of time

but Cass keeps getting all broody...
I've got her a rabbit.

A rabbit, what's that?
Part of her diet, is it?

No, a pet rabbit!
Something she can make a fuss over.

I know it was a stupid idea.
I wish I hadn't bothered now...

So the hospital has passed all
the tests and that, have they?

This is personal.
I don't want this being broadcast!

Of course not. Who's gonna listen?
I suppose you've had your tubes looked at?

Yes! God! Everything's fine
we just can't crack the case...

Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic
and God knows what else.

'Cause t's all got to do with ovum�s
and... things.

The hospital keeps showing me
this film of inside the human body.

Cor, it don't half put you off, Del.

Yeah, I should think so.
Give me Debbie Does Dallas any day of the week.

Anyway, listen, we'll have a spot of
breakfast and then get down the market.

- What do you fancy. Boiled egg?
- No!

Can I ask a favour?
Can I have this afternoon off?

Why? She hasn't booked you in
for another seeing to, has she?

No! We're having a celebrating lunch.
'Cause it's my birthday.

It's your birthday? Oh, ala Bruchette!
It's your birthday, I forgot all about it, didn't I?

Well, since it's your birthday
in that case Rodney, the answer is no.

You wouldn't expect Richard Branson
to want the afternoon off?

Doubt it, he don't even
know it's my birthday.

Not your birthday,
I mean, if it was his birthday!

No, because he would be too busy down the
old financial fast lane.

He wouldn't be going that
jollying it up just 'cos it's his birthday.

Alright then.

Of course you can have the afternoon off.
It's your birthday!

I bet you thought I forgot!

There you go,
there's your cards, birthday boy.

That one's from Damien.

Oh... Bless him.

No, don't worry about those for a minute.
Take a look at that.

That is a present from me...
and Raquel of course.

- It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.
- Yeah, I can see that.

It's just like mine Rodney, look at that,
24 carat gold, no old rubbish.

See, it's got your name on it, look.

- 'Rooney'?
- No, that says, look, 'Rodney'.

No, it says 'Rooney'.
There's an 'O' where the 'D' should be.

No, that is a D. It's like copperplate writing.

- Come on, put it on, put it on.
- Ah, right.

- I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.
- No, alright then.

- Morning, Rodney.
- Hi, Raquel.

- What's that?
- It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.

- 'Rooney'?
- No, that's 'Rodney'.

- Looks like 'Rooney.' That's an 'O' isn't it?
- No it's a 'D'. It's copperplate writing.

Well, it looks like 'Rooney' from where I'm standing.
Where d'you get it from?

It's your birthday present to me.

Oh! It's your birthday!
Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney.

Thanks.

Del chose the present.
I didn't even know what he'd got you. Where is he?

In the kitchen. He's a bit disappointed actually,

the council have just turned down
his application for a home improvement grant.

I suppose they didn't have
half a million pounds handy.

What did he want to do then?

Who knows! Put an extension on the balcony
and build a double garage, knowing him.

No, au contraire.

I just wanted 5,000 pounds
so I can improve the kitchen units, that's all.

Well that sounds fair enough.

Oh get real, Rodney. There was no way
he was gonna put new units in. He just wanted the 5 grand.

No, 'cause the council would have checked
to see if you had the work carried out.

Cor blimey, all you gotta do is to give 'em an
'18 months sob story' and they forget all about it.

'Cause they're too busy organising carnivals
and things.

Anyway, they've turned me down,
I don't want to discuss it,

'cause now it's epidemic, innit?

Who's the letter from, sweetheart?
- I don't know yet.

Look at this! Gits!

- Morning, Damien.
- I got a new hat. Dad got it for me.

Yeah, I know, and it's a cracker and all,
ain't it son, eh?

My Dad gets me everything...

D'you wanna play war?

No! Bit busy.

- Come on Rodney, you've got time for a little battle.
- No. I'm alright, honest.

Alright, you stay there, champ.
I'll get you your cereal.

When I'm older will people
still wear baseball caps?

When you're older, Damien,
people will wear whatever you tell them to wear.

Oh cool!

Little git!

I fought for this country, shot and shell,
and how do they treat ya?

That ain't it bloody fair, eh?

Oh God, Albert! Your socks look like
the bomb-squads been having a go at 'em!

All I need now is that hospital to get you
and Cassandra pregnant,

and I'd have two of the little
sods bouncing things off me head.

Oi! What do you know about me
and Cassandra and the hospital?

Nothing, son, nothing at all...

What's an ovum?

I don't believe you... Were you listening
to me and Del's conversation?

I wasn't listening, I just heard.
Don't worry, you know me, son, I'm saying nothing.

Squad, attention!

Morning, Albert. Listen, you be careful when you
collect your pension down at the post office today.

There's a gang of muggers
hanging about this area.

They don't worry me, son.
I boxed for the navy.

They use to calle my left hand
'Trotter's Trembler'.

I wonder what they
called your right hand.

Rodney, come on, quick.
Let's go.

- What's the hurry?
- Come on, just let's go, Rodney.

- Would you want me to load the van up?
- No, we haven't got time for that.

I've got to get the Capri Ghia into tuning up
and I gotta meet a bloke down the market.

And you get youw coat on
and get out of here. Go on!

See you later, sweetheart!
Bye Unc!

- What's he in such a hurry for.
- I don't know.

Oh no, not again!

Did I tell you what Councillor Murray
said to me when she gave me this medal?

Yes! Trigger, you are boring
the pants off me with this bloody medal!

No. She said, 'I thank you on behalf
of the council and the people of Peckham!'

- Morning, Sid. What d'you fancy, Rodders?
- I'll have a cheese roll.

I still find it hard to believe!

So do I! Medals for road sweepers!

Good God, they'll be giving Del Boy
an award for good taste next!

- Morning all.
- Thank God you've arrived!

He can bore you two with it now!

- What's that then?
- Trigger's got a medal.

- Oh yeah. Where'd you find that then, Trig?
- I was awarded it. Look.

It's a picture of me receiving my medal
from Councillor Murray.

See, that's me.

Oh that's you, is it?
I'm glad you cleared that up.

Let me have a look at that, Trig, will you?

So that's that Councillor Murray, is it?

She's the old cow that refused
my application for a council grant.

I've never been so humiliated
in my life.

Derek, when you have the time
you must tell me all about it.

Hey, has any of your friends down at the masonic lodge
have got influence at the town hall?

No. it's just that I've often wondered
what it must be like to apply for a council grant.

And the day started out
so well, didn't it?

It's Councillor Murray's idea. She's head
of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall

and she says the local people should be
rewarded for services to the community.

A proud moment
in my family's history.

Trigger, you haven't got a family history.

You were created
by a chemical spillage

�at a germ warfare factory
somewhere off Deptford High Street.

Maybe. But I still feel proud.

So what exactly is the
award for?

For saving the council money.
I happened to mention to her one day

that I've had the same broom
for the last twenty years.

She was very impressed and said
have a medal. 20 years. That's a long time, Dave.

- Yeah, I know. It's two decades innit?
- I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time.

Trig, just a second.

If you've had that broom for 20 years
have you actually swpt any roads with it?

Well of course!
But I look after it well.

We have an old saying that's been handed down
by generations of road sweepers:

- 'Look after your broom...'
- And your broom will look after you.

No Dave. It's just:
'Look after your broom'.

Oh, that old saying!

Yeah. And that's what I've done.
I've maintained it for 20 years.

This old broom has had 17 new heads
and 14 new handles in its time.

How the hell can it be
the same bloody broom then?

There's a picture of it!
What more proof do you need?

This has come
as a bit of a shock to me.

I haven't heard from you for years.

Last time we met I got the impression
that I wasn't important in your life any more.

Yeah, I understand.
OK, let's meet...

No! I�ll come to you...
This weekend? I'm not sure...

Del? I don't know really.
I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth.

I'll give you a call... OK...
I know you do...

Of course I still love you.

Bye.

- Alright, sweetheart?
- Yeah. What you been up to?

I've down the market. I met a bloke.
Done a deal about some electric doughnut makers.

While I was down there I bumped into Boycie.

He told me that Mike down the Nag's Head
is selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.

- You know. Would you like to go?
- This weekend? No, not really.

- OK... Any phone calls?
- No...

- Del, can we talk?
- Of course we can.

There's something I've got to tell you.
I'd like to sit down.

- Go on then.
- I mean both of us.

That letter I got this morning.
It was from my Mum and Dad.

I've just got off the phone to them.

- Ah, was from your mum and...
- You OK?

Of course I am, I'm teriffic.
Oh dear.

I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad.

What I meant was that
you've never mentioned them before.

Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them
I wanted to go into show business.

I said I wanted to be a dancer
and act and everything.

My Dad, he's a bit old fashioned,
he said some nasty things - you can imagine.

So I stormed out, went into digs and
that was the last contact I had with them - until now.

They got my address from the landlord
at my old flat.

They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks
but just kept getting the answer-machine.

Yeah, I know darling, but a lot of people get nervous
about leaving messages on answer-machines, don't they?

No, they left lots of messages
but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.

Oh dear!

I don't know
what's wrong with this machine.

I reckon that some of the electronic circuitry
needs adjusting, that's all.

You know, like that!

So I phoned 'em. We had a nice chat...
They seemed different - sort of, understanding.

I cried.

That's alright.
Come on, sweetheart!

My Mum said they'd missed me.
And my dad said he loved me!

Oh well, come on.
That is lovely jubbly, innit?

- I told them about Damien.
- Yeah.

They were pleased. They seemed really
excited they had a grandson.

I told them all about him.
All the little things he does.

- D'you tell 'em about me?
- I mentioned you.

- D'you tell them what I did?
- No. There wasn't time.

- They just wanted to know about Damie.
- Of course they would. That's alright.

They mentioned going up there at the weekend�
they want to meet him.

That'll be nice. Well, we'll pop up there then
shall we?

Yeah... The thing is�

Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy
and he hasn't been well recently...

This bloody thing!

And I think meeting you
might be a bit too much for him.

So, I don't want to offend you...

That's the last time I buy
anything off that Ronnie Nelson!

Right ten, the weekend!

Oh, Mont Blanc!

Darling, no, I can't go on Saturday!

'Cause I've gotta to go up to Covent Garden
and pick up a van load of ober-jeans.

And they were really looking forward
to meeting you as well. Never mind.

Alright sweetheart, tell you what.
Why don't you and Damien go and have a nice time.

Hey, why don't you take the Capri Ghia, and let 'em see
that their little girl has done alright for herself.

OK. Thanks, Del.

I do love you.

Yeah, I know, well...
I'm that sort of bloke really, ain't I?

Anyway. What does your dad do?

- He's an antique dealer.
- Is he really?

That's interesting, you see,
because in the garage...

I'm not taking anything with me!

Alright then, that's fair enough, just a thought.
Now go on, you go darling, build a few bridges.

- I'll try. I'll make you a coffee.
- Yeah, that'll be lovely.

- Mum was crying.
- What's that, champ?

- Mum was crying.
- Was she? Oh, dear, nevermind.

Come and sit here. Women do that, you know.
You'll learn that when you get a bit older.

Anyway. You know where you're going on Saturday?
Your're gonna go and see your Nan and your Grandad.

- Have I got a Nan and Grandad?
- Yes, you have now.

- Did you get 'em for me?
- No, they belong to your Mum.

They're gonna make a right fuss of you,
they are.

- They'll love you, 'cause they're lovely people.
- What are they called?

What are they called?
I know, they're called...

Nan and Grandad.

- Did you feed Roger?
- Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier.

Good.

- Don't worry.
- I'm not.

- It's only once tonight.
- Right.

At least I think it is.

- Just the once.
- Look at Tuesday.

- Happy birthday again.
- Thank you.

- Oh leave off, Cass.
- Sorry, Rooney.

Del's gotta be the only bloke
who can buy a gold identity bracelet

and take it to a dyslexic engraver.

- You got lots of nice presents as well.
- Yes, I did.

And I spoke to Mummy today and she said,
as a special birthday present to you,

why don't we fly over to the villa next week?

I'm owed some time off
and Del hasn't given you a holiday since...

well, he hasn't given you a holiday!
I thought it might help.

- Sangria and warm evenings...
- Yeah, sounds good, don't it?

Hold on.
What about the rabbit?

- Couldn't we give it to Del?
- No, he'd eat it!

Aren't there any sort of kennels?
You know a place that looks after rabbits.

- Like a cattery but, well a rabbitry.
- A rabbitry? That's a Chinese toilet!

- Hang on, can your Mum and Dad could look after it?
- Hardly, they'll be at the villa with us.

They'll be there as well?

Where are we supposed to relax
and stick to the schedule with your Mum and Dad there?

I've figured it out, Rodney.
We won't do it in front of them!

When we want to, you know, relax,
we'll go to our bedroom! What d'you think?

But they'll be in the room next to us!

I mean, what about all the panting
and the screaming and all the 'Yes, yes, yes!'

- You'll just have to control yourself.
- No, it'll never work.

Besides I can't leave Del,
business ain't going too well.

- Oh, come on Rodney.
- I can't Cass, Del needs me here.

- You go.
- You don't mind?

But of course I don't.
A rest'll do you good.

It means we'll have to put our schedule on ice
for a week.

Well, I'm afraid so.

You both got tickets for
Saturday's party?

I can tell you're looking
forward to it!

Hey, Boycie! You and Marlene
fancy something nice to eat?

Yeah, I do as it happens, Mike.

Shall we pop down
The Harvester in a minute?

I don't get much trade
but I do have a good laugh! Bloody 'ell.

- Here, Trig! Do you fancy a ticket? Tenner each.
- Righto, Mike.

What d'you mean, 'Righto, Mike?'
You don't even know what they're for.

It's bound to tell you
on the ticket, innit?

I didn't think of that.

D'you know Trig? Every year us publicans
we hold a fancy dress ball. Prizes, the lot.

This year it's old Harry Malcolm's turn.
He's the guv'nor down at the Crown and Anchor.

He's holding the party at his house.
He's got a great barn of place over on the Common.

Hey, the first prize is a brand new stereo system
worth over a thousand pound.

Fancy dress! I've only got
my mohair suit and my best jumper.

Perfect!

Did I tell you about my medal?

Yeay. Three times yesterday
and twice this morning.

- Did I tell you, Marlene?
- Yes, love. You sent us a fax last night.

Alright, Mike?

Wotchyer, sweetheart.

Stop it! Honestly.
Cassandra get off alright then, did she?

- Yeah, I've just come back from the airport.
- And Raquel's away too, ain't she?

I bet you two'll be out
gallivanting Saturday night.

No, not at all sweetheart.

A mug of Bournvita, plate of toast
and Match Of The Day for us Rodders, isn't it, eh?

Heaven!

That's nice...

- 'Rooney?'
- No, that is 'Rodney'.

You see, it's not an O - it looks like an O
but it's not! 'Cause it's copperplate writing.

It's quiet today, innit?

Yeah, got more life
in one of his meat pies over there.

Come on Michael, give us a drink, will ya?
Lager-top for Rodney and I'll have...

A Baileys and cherryaide.

Del, d'you fancy something to eat?
How about a nice plate of beef stew?

Go on, I'll have some of that then,
that'll keep the cold out, won't it?

You be careful with the old beef, Del.

- Oh shut up, you brass.
- I don't know what you are worried about.

I've been eating British beef all my life.

Egg and chips, please, Mike.

- What do you want, Rodney?
- Something that was fresh this morning.

Alright, give him the Daily Mirror, will you?

- Alright, Del Boy? Any luck?
- Yeas, loads of it, Denzil, all bad!

I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
You remember those 9 carat...

...24 carat gold bracelets I was selling?

Well, apparently they've all been
deported along with Ugandan Maurice.

Why did you trust him with
all that gold in the first place?

Because he told me he was
an exporter.

Yeah, an exporter,
he just got the sack from British Rail.

Life's one long struggle, innit, eh?

I feel a bit like that King Farouk
trying to hold back the tide.

I've got a kid to think to look after now.

- It's Canute.
- Yeah, you can say that again!

Hey Del, d'you wanna buy a ticket
for a publican�s ball?

Yeah, certainly.
Which one, left or right?

Your loss.

Well, I've got to go, the host is a fellow mason.
And mind you, last year's do was a good laugh.

- I heard it all ended in a big punch up.
- Yes it did.

But during the struggle
Marlene got a whack on the nose.

And you did nothing about it, did you?

What could I do?
You threw the first punch.

Were you injured?

No, fortunately her make-up
cushioned the blow.

I have just remembered!

I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen
to the clinic this morning!

I've left it in the kitchen on your work top.

That's alright, don't worry,
you can take it in tomorrow, can't yer?

No you don't understand.
It mustn't be left in direct sunlight.

You've got to find a cool,
dark spot where it won't be disturbed.

How about Boycie's pants?

Yes, everything's fine, Raquel,
although there's no food in the fridge.

No I'm not complaining.
You just have a nice time, gel, alright?

Hold on, I think Del's back.

Del Boy - sorry!
Raquel on the phone.

Right, OK.
Tell her I'll take it in the bedroom.

He's gonna take it in the bedroom, love.
See you soon, bye.

I suppose your Cassandra
will be there by now.

Yeah. She'd have landed about an hour ago.
Bloody 'Rooney'!

I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet.
Men - real men - didn't wear them in my day.

You used to wear them dog-tags
round your neck.

That was an ID necklace.
Completely different.

To be honest with you, Unc, I don't really wanna wear
this thing but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings.

- I understand, boy... During the war.
- Oh, God!

I had a mate who had
exactly the same problem.

His Mum had bought him a
gold watch and he hated it.

- But he didn�t wanna hurt her feelings.
- So what did he do?

One night he went round all the pubs
in Portsmouth flashing his gold watch about.

On the way back to the ship
he got mugged... Problem solved.

That was a good idea, weren't it?

There's a lot of mugging
going on round here, Rodney.

Albert, I'm not seriously considering it
as a viable option! God Almighty!

- I'll just have to tell him.
- Be gentle though.

Look, Del, about this thing you
gave me for me birthday.

It's a beauty, innit, eh?

Well, yeah but...
Well, the thing is...

I tell you what. Raquel and Damien
are having a nice time.

They're getting on really well
with her Mum and Dad.

Oh, well that's good, innit?

You didn't fancy to go
and meet your common-law in-laws then?

Well, to be honest Rodney, yes I did,
but Raquel didn't want me to go.

What, she told you?

No, she was having a difficult time telling me,
and I made up an excuse to let her off the hook.

I think that she thought
I might embarrass her.

What d'you mean? That's silly!
How could you possibly embarrass her?

Well, that's what I thought!

I tell you what. Did you know that her old man
is an antiques dealer?

I thought I might let him have a look
at the Jacobean cine-camera we got in the garage.

I'm sorry, you were saying
about the bracelet?

- No, nothing. I'm well pleased with it.
- Yeah, that's it.

You'll never forget
your name now, will you?

Raquel goes away for a few days
and this flat becomes a shambles.

There's nothing in the fridge,
the veg is on the turn

and that apple-juice is horrible.

He's a moaning old git,
ain't he, eh?

Cassandra's specimen is gone!

I don't believe him!

What am I gonna tell
Cassandra?

You tell her that you spilt it in the van
when you went round a corner.

- I can't lie to her, Del.
- Alright, tell her uncle Albert drunk it.

I can't tell her that, can I?
It's just one thing after another, innit?

- Rodney, listen, we've got to get out of here.
- How d'you mean?

Well listen, I've been thinking.

Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes
and Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes.

You know what tomorrow is, don't ya?
It's the big party, innit? The publican's ball.

So I was thinking, while the mice are away
the cats could go out and play.

- It'll be like the old days, Rodders.
- We're not gonna be pulling birds, are we?

We never pulled any birds in the old days, Rodders.
What chance have we got now?

- Come on, what d'you say?
- Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun, innit?

We'll of course it is! A couple of hours.
You know, a sausage roll and a grin.

I'll tell you what. The first prize
is only a stereo system worth 1,000 pounds.

- What do they give prizes for?
- For the best fancy dress.

Fancy dress! I'm not going
dressed up like some zoom!

Come on Rodney, it's only a laugh, innit?

We'll just pop down the High Street
and get ourselves a couple of costumes.

Rodney, I need your help
to win this prize.

'Cause you're the one with the GCE's in art.
You got the flare and imagination.

Shall I tell you
what I'm imagining right now?

I'm imagining that since you knew
Raquel was going away,

you've been planning to go to that party
and try and win that stereo all along.

How dare you?

If only your mother could hear you now!
Is that what you really think of me?

Here I am and my child and my wife
have gone away for what is obviously

a demanding and draining weekend
and all you can think of is

'That's alright, Del Boy can go out
for a jolly-up'!

That's it, is it? That's what you think of Del Boy?
Shallow as a worm's grave.

No, I just thought it was...

- Well, it just seemed a bit...
- No, don't!

- I'm bleeding!
- Alright.

I'm sorry, then.

Alright. Your apology is accepted.

Hold on, I've just remembered.
This do is an all-ticket affair.

- I know, I got us a couple as we were leaving.
- Oh, stinking...

I feel stupid! I don't know how we got
out of the estate without being seen.

Don't worry, we'll be
there in a minute.

Yes, but then we've got to
get home dressed like this!

Who's gonna see us at five o' clock
in the morning?

Yeah, I suppose so. Five in the morning?
You said we was only going for a couple of hours.

Yeah I know, but you get involved,
don't you?

- What's happening?
- There must be something wrong.

- I wish I was mechanically minded like you.
- Very funny!

Alright, I'll open the bonnet,
you go an' have a look at the engine.

Go an' have a look at the...
I'm not gettin out dressed like this!

You have a look, it's your van!

You tart, Rodney.

- Do you see anything?
- No. It's right dark in here.

What you looking for?

Just tryin' to see if there's any petrol
coming through to the carburetor.

- You idiot!
- What's the matter?

You'll blow us to kingdom come!

Don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through,
is there?

Must be some sort of a blockage.
I mean, that's why we've broken down.

Will you get back inside that van.

I don't want people seeing you
dressed like that, you look like a right wally!

What are we gonna do now then, eh?

I don't know, Derek!

We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.30
dressed up as Batman and Robin!

And it was you who chose these costumes!
I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers!

We'd have still broken down
and been in this embarrassing situation, wouldn't we?

Oh yeah! We'd have been wearing suits and ties,
right couple of zooms we'd have looked.

But we'd never have won first prize
as The Blues Brothers!

No, but at least we could have walked home!

Look, just shut up
and try to think of a way out of this.

Alright, let's just think about it.

We phone the RAC.

Yes, and we ask to get put through

to the 'Broken Down Whilst Dressed
As A Couple Of Prats' department.

Alright then, the police.

Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
We'd never live it down.

Our lives would be hell!
We would have to 'hemigrate'.

At this particular moment, Del,
that doesn't sound like a bad alternative.

The pubs are gonna be chucking out soon.
They'll tear us to shreds.

Know what... Harry's place
is nearer than our place is.

You know, we could be there
in five minutes... if we ran.

- We'll be seen!
- No we won't. What do you mean 'be seen'.

Look, all the streets are empty, ain't they?

At the moment!

But I guarantee, the second I step out of this van
a thousand people are gonna pour out out the...

out of a place where a thousand people are!

No. Not if we go through the back streets
and the back alleys.

'Cause the only people there
are the winos and the crackheads

and let's face it, they see Batman and Robin
every night of the week.

- Five minutes?
- Five minutes, that's all, if we run.

- I'm going now Tom.
- I'll see you out.

- Goodnight, Councillor Murray.
- Goodnight, Tom.

- Sorry, Miss, you seen a policeman round here?
- No, I haven't!

- Good! Then giss your money!
- What are you doing? Tom!

Help!

- Someone shut her up!
- Get her briefcase.

Gary!

- What's happening?
- I haven't the faintest idea!

Go!

- Councillor Murray?
- Yes.

I recognise you from your photograph.
Derek Trotter.

You may remember me.
I wrote to you sometime ago about a...

Del, let's go!

Sorry, I must dash.
Duty calls.

Oh Boycie, let us in, will you?

What have you two come as then?

Batman and Robin.

Ignore him, Rodney, will you?
Just ignore him.

- Where is everyone?
- Straight through there, Caped Crusader.

You ain't gonna win nothing
dressed like that.

Did you see that Rodders?

We've come as Batman and Robin
and Boycie's come as the Penguin.

Oh no, Del Boy, not the Penguin.
More like the Joker.

Kenny. Mike from the Nag's Head.

Listen, I was really cut-up yesterday
when I heard about your Dad. Your husband.

Still, at least he didn't suffer.

No. He had a good innings and...

he'd have been well chuffed to see all his family
and friends turn up for his wake like this.

Derek. Harry died yesterday.

Harry... Harry die...?

Why didn't you tell us that out there
instead of letting us come in here like that?

Yeah. We were going da na na na na
and everything.

It completely slipped my mind.
Strange what grief can do.

Del. I don't know if you remember me.
I'm Kenny, Harry's son.

Yes, of course I remember you.

I phoned round everyone
to tell 'em the party was off.

I must have left four or five messages
on your answer machine.

Obviously you didn't get 'em.

No, the machine�s playing up a bit.

I'm gonna throw that bloody machine away
when we get home.

- Kenny, look, I am really sorry about this.
- Don't be silly.

The old man's most probably up there now
having a bloody good laugh at you all.

- You'll stay, won't you?
- Oh yeah, of course we're gonna stay.

- Go and grab yourself a drink and something to eat.
- Alright, cheers.

A beer here, Denz.

Didn't you know Harry had died?

Of course we knew Harry had died!
That's why we came dressed as Batman and Thingy!

- Robin.
- Yes.

- I suppose the prize-giving's off now then, is it?
-I love him. Bloody love him.

Alright Del, Dave.
Bit of a choker old Harry popping off like that, innit?

Yeah. We didn't even know
the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Me neither.

You mean, that's your costume?

Yeah, I come as a chauffer.
I feel a bit stupid now.

Come to mention it, you do stand out a bit.

I'm gonna cheer up the widow.

I don't think you and Del
would have won first prize.

- No?
- No.

You're alright,
but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.

Aerodynamic designed cycling helmets.

As worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.
Look at that, beautiful.

OK then, what else we got here.
I tell you what we've got, look at this.

Baseball caps!
Straight from LA, as worn by MC Hammer.

Here you are madam,
buy one for you kid for Christmas.

They'll look lovely in his stocking,
I tell you that. No?

Right, what else have we got.
Oh, yes, what have we got here! Look at this!

We've got the unisex baseball caps.
Look at that.

There you are, buy one for your son,
buy one for your daughter! Well done!

- Del!
- Yeah! What's up?

Have a look.

- Give us your bag!
- Oi! What's your game?

Rodney, get after him! Go on!

Are you alright?
You alright, darling?

Little buggers have nicked me handbag, son.
My bloody arse is hurting as well.

You just take it easy, will ya? Just take it easy.
Someone call an ambulance for her, will ya?

Also, call the police.

Hey, you! Oi!

Whoops-a-daisy.

We read and we hear about
so-called have-a-go-heroes,

but we very rarely have the honour
of meeting one.

Well, I'm proud to say that here, in Peckham,
we have our very own have-ago-hero.

And so it's my great honour and privilege
to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.

That's Batman!

- Mr Trotter, could I have a couple of pictures?
- Mange-tout, mange-tout.

How come you got a medal?
I did all the running.

Yes I know, but you were running
away from him!

I was not running away from him actually.
I was just luring him.

Well you weren't half luring him fast then!
You shot past me like Linford Christie.

Minus that poodle that he keeps
down his shorts, of course.

Could you mind out of
the way please, sir...

Yes, could you mind out of the way, please, Rodney
You're casting a shadow on the hero.

Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney?

No, they offered me one
but I said I wanted to remain anonymous.

Mr Trotter. Councillor Murray.
We met, the night you were dressed as Batman.

Oh yes, of course.

- I've never been so frightened in my life.
- It was only a costume.

No, I mean terrified
of that awful gang of muggers.

Oh, I see, yes.

- Still, they're behind bars now, thanks to you.
- Oh, don't mention it.

If ever there's anything I can do for you,
please don't hesitate to call.

Well, thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.

Councillor Murray.

As a matter of fact there is a little something
that you might be able to help me out with.

- Do you think we could have a little chat?
- Of course. Come this way.

Cushty!

We're gonna have to cut this one out
for the family album.

A Trotter's never won a medal before.

Well, Albert's won three of four dozen.

Why'd they use the word 'man'?
They could have mentioned Rodney.

- I mean, why didn't they say 'men'?
- Yeah, Rodney was there as well.

They do mention him,
here you are.

'Mr Trotter was aided in the capture
of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.'

You see, it's bloody Rooney!

Come on then, ladies and gentlemen,
charge your glasses.

Because I have got something to say,
on this auspicious occasion.

And that is, not only am I the only Trotter
to win a medal... without getting wet.

But this is a double celebration.

- You told them!
- No, I never! I swear!

- How d'you lot find out?
- Find out what?

- You mean you don't know?
- No.

Well, in that case, let me just say that if,
in the near future,

anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I
some Mothercare vouchers,

they will come in bloody handy!

- Yes my son, we have scored!
- And it was a beauty!

It's coming home, it's coming home,
it's coming, football's coming home!

Well done my son!

I'm pleased for you, son.
I know you've been through hell to get there.

How about that then, eh?
A little cousin for Damien to play with.

Wait a minute. You said this was
a double celebration

before you found out about Cassandra
being pregnant. So what else are we celebrating?

That's right.Then it's a treble celebration.

'Cause you know I was turned down
for my home improvement grant by the council.

Well, they have changed their minds
and send me a cheque for 5,000 pounds.

- They gave you 5,000 pounds?
- Yes, what can't speak can't lie.

Signed by Councillor Murray.

- It's not a bad old world is it, bruv?
- It's getting better all the time, Del.

Lovely jubbly.

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