Original subtitles

Attention--

Camp North Star senior staff...

counselors...

and counselors-in-training...

please rise for our nationaI anthem.

How about that anthem, huh?

I don't know about you, but I just get a great, big lump in my throat...

every time I hear it.

lt's 7:05 in the a.m. and...

it's, wow, 43 degrees...

on the old Camp North Star weather dial.

That is kind of nippy for a June 25, isn't it?

I'm Tripper Harrison--

I'm your head counselor...

and this is my wake-up show.

I'll be coming at you every morning about this time...

hoping to make your summer camp experience...

the best available...

in this price range.

Of course, across the lake...

over at Camp Mohawk...

they won't be getting up for another hour or so.

And when they do, they'll be awakened by servants bearing croissants...

and cafe-au-lait.

Whoops, I hope I didn't hit anybody.

But here at Camp North Star this morning we're gonna be having...

a delicious gruel breakfast.

And don't forget to ask for seconds because...

it's all the gruel you can eat.

Are you ready for the summer

Are you ready for the good times

Are you ready for the birds and bees the apple trees

And a whole lotta foolln' around

Are you ready for the hot nights

Are you ready for the fireflles the moonlit skies

And a whole lotta foolin' around

No more pencils, no more books

No more teachers' dirty looks

No more math and history

Summertime has set us free

Are you ready for the all-day fun in the sun

'Cause the summer is ready for you

Okay, everybody, I'm waiting. People, settle down.

Okay, that's better.

There's a lot of new people this year, so before I go any further...

I want to introduce myself.

- My name's Morty Melnick. - Hi, Mickey!

The name is Morty, not Mickey.

The buses are leaving tomorrow morning at 6:30 to pick up the kids.

lt's important you get your bus assignments...

to know which kids you're in charge of.

Don't argue with me, Bradley.

You can get rabies from a raccoon too.

- Tell him, Maury. - That's right.

Don't forget to put paper on the toilet seat covers...

'cause you can get a terrible infection--

I meant to ask you, did you bring smokes?

No, I couldn't. I forgot.

My mom found the carton in my suitcase. She had a shit-fit.

- Why don't we get some. - Yeah.

Mommy. Mommy.

Where's my mommy?

Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer.

I hope you and your gentlemen can supply it for me.

I could supply you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz.

- Spaz? - He's a sex machine.

Are you kidding me?

He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum.

Well, I went out with him one night, and he got us six nurses by himself...

and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning.

You gonna be okay?

Hey, I'll see you at the end of the summer, okay?

This bus does not have a safety inspection sticker.

- It's a fine old bus. - No, it's not! It is a piece of junk.

I'm gonna tell my father, and he's gonna report you...

- to the Department of Motor Vehicles... - Roxanne!

and you're going to jail, behind bars.

Just like last year, we'll hate it.

Camp is lousy, and you're a dork.

You're right. You sure are one.

- Hiya. - Come on.

- What do you want? - Are you having trouble?

- I can't get these kids on the bus! - That's because I'm not goin'!

Come here. I wanna have a word with you, all right?

- You guys, you better get on the bus. - Why?

If you don't, I'm gonna beat the pants off of ya!

Not bad, huh?

- Watch it. That stuff's expensive. - Very good, sir.

Hey, Spaz. How you doin', buddy?

- Good to see ya. - Give that back.

- We're doin' you a favor. - Give it back!

Wanna make us, Spaz?

Yeah.

- Give him back the milkshake. - All right. Here you go.

Hey, we'll see you at the basketball game, Spaz.

Mohawk jerks.

These children are going to the most glamorous of all summer camps...

Camp Mohawk.

There's a two-year waiting list...

and every child has to be voted in.

On top of all that, it costs $1,000 a week to go to Camp Mohawk.

The question is: Is it worth $1,000 a week?

It sure is. It's the best darned camp there is.

Well, are you connected with Camp Mohawk?

I think so. I'm the program director, Jerry Aldini.

Well, how do you justify $1,000 a week?

We have some special programs.

We're doing ''Shakespeare in the Round'' again this year.

Our polltical round table. Henry Kissinger will appear.

Yasir 'Arafat is gonna come out, spend a weekend with the kids, rap with 'em.

That's amazing!

The kids wanted animals, so this year each camper will stalk and kill...

his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.

Are you sure the children can hack that?

We'll see. The real excitement is gonna come at the end of the summer...

during Sexual Awareness Week.

We import 200 hookers from around the world, and each camper...

armed with only a thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash...

tries to visit as many countries as he can.

The winner, of course, is named King of Sexual Awareness Week...

and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.

That's incredible!

What do you expect for $1,000 a week? Hey, you have a good summer.

You must be the short, depressed kid we ordered. Glad you made it.

Want half of this?

Come on inside, Frankenstein. I'll buy you a cocktail.

All the 12-year-old girls here finally? It's gonna be a terrific year.

This ground is too slippery.

I could fall and get whiplash or a broken neck, a serious injury.

- A guy could die from that. - Phil, he's all yours.

Thanks, Tripper. Are you Rudy Gerner?

I'm Phil.

- Gotta get this-- - Hi, Morty.

- Hi, Trip. You got the rules? - No. I'm lookin' for them.

Here they go. Very important.

All your CIT's have gotta know those inside-out, backwards, whatever.

Post 'em up, make sure they know 'em.

Hey, Larry.

What?

- I think that chick is staring at me. - Which chick? Where?

Over there.

Hey, she is starin' at ya.

You better go talk to her. She probably wants it.

What's cookin', good-lookin'?

Your fly's undone.

Come on.

Hey, Fink, come on. Off your knees.

Spaz, I was watching you. Looked like you had a chance there for a second.

Thanks, Trip.

- My man, my main man. - Hey, Tripper.

Eyes right, gentlemen.

All right, now. Just right, left, right, left.

All right.

These are the camp rules. Morty would like you to look at these.

They'll be in here if you want to check these out later.

And now, gentlemen-- and you are--

I'll take you to your cabin assignments for the first week. Let's go!

This is the six-year-olds' cabin.

All they know how to do is eat and wet their beds.

You guys will teach them everything else. Crockett, take it.

I don't want it. No six-year-olds. Aw, come on, Trip.

My man. Good luck.

Put the comic book away and get your shirt.

Take the shirt by the shoulders.

One fold sleevie...

two fold sleevie.

- Presto! lt's done. - How's this, Mike?

That's not bad. Why don't we have a nap and come back later and try it.

- No. Forget it. - Come on.

Do I have to count to three? One, two--

Two's good enough. Come on, Steve.

What's that?

It's Ernie, my pet frog. He's a jumper.

- How come he doesn't hop? - He's tired, I guess.

- No, he's dead. - No, he's sleeping.

For sure he's dead.

Mister, could you help me wake up my frog?

He looks tired.

Why don't we let him sleep a llttle longer.

You take that nap now...

and I'll take care of the frog.

This is the 14-year-old girls' cabin.

They've got the drive and the equipment, but they don't have the experience.

They better not get it from you guys. Not this summer, anyway.

Roxanne!

Just the person I wanted to see.

Later, Tripper. Say, Christmas?

A.L., that's your cabin.

You got the jailbait. Watch 'em.

- Women. - Thanks.

- See you later. - I want you to know I'm deeply hurt.

I mean that sincerely.

Glad to hear it. Excuse me.

Hi, Hardware.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi, Finkle. Hi, Hard.

Hey, guess what, guys. liza finally got her period.

- You don't have to advertise it. - They gotta know.

You better watch it, 'cause now you can get pregnant.

I heard about this girl. She got pregnant without doing it with anyone.

What do you mean? You can't get pregnant without doing it.

No, stupid. She didn't do it. She almost did it.

Oh, my God.

Hi, guys. I got your cabin this week.

Go on. Ask A.L.

Ask me what?

Can a girl get pregnant if she almost does it with a guy?

Almost?

I don't think so. No.

That's a relief.

Spaz-alapolls, you're in here with Phil and the 12-year-olds.

- This here is Rudy. - Rudy, how's it goin'?

Watch out for this guy. He's done time for car theft.

My kind of guy.

You could be a bad influence on the other children. Watch it.

We'll see you guys at dinner. Watch out for the ear, Rudy!

- See you later, Spaz. - Bye-bye.

Hi, guys. I'm Spaz. I'm your CIT this week.

I want to introduce you to a new guy--

Hey, bozo, this is my bunk, so shove off.

Settle down! Come on, guys. Settle down.

Let's see. Everything's put away. That's good.

Everybody has a bunk. That's good.

Everybody's settled in. That's good.

Everybody's been deloused and fingerprinted. That's good.

Phil, look. lt's the first day of camp, and we're bored already.

What are we gonna do?

Relax, Peter. Relax.

Okay, guys, after lunch we got a big game with Cabin B-11.

And I really want to win it, okay? So what do you say?

- We're gonna kill 'em! - What?

I can't hear you.

Attention, all campers. Afternoon swim schedule is as follows:

Advanced Dolphins, report to the dock for survival swimming and IQ testing.

All Senior Silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing.

Junior Salmon, Trout and Herring, report to the nearest dellcatessen.

Six-year-old Tadpoles, report to the swamp.

And all Lobsters, get outta here! You're a menace!

- David says it's very important-- - Hi, girls.

I'm really looking forward to working with all of you this summer.

I just hope there's enough of me to go around.

Lance, please! We're eating!

Aw, crap!

Do I have to stack the dishes again?

I don't have the energy. I'm weak from hunger.

Less flap, more stack.

Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!

We have a gossip update. This is the news.

It seems as though last summer's hottest couple have split.

I can't tell you their names, but her initials are A.L...

and he's the hottest CIT on wheels.

We all know they spent most of last summer in the bushes.

The question is: Will true love bloom again?

And speaking of ClT's, there's a certain girl named Wendy...

who's giving all the guys wet dreams.

Okay, Jody. Thank you very much.

Everybody, when you've finished, all the cabins can go to their other activities.

- I'll see you in a bit. - Guys, let's play ball.

All right!

Let's move. We gotta get back to the cabin for a rest period.

If I wanted to rest, I would've stayed in Cleveland.

You and Trip are playing defense.

- We're defense, buddy! - Guys, let's go. We can win this game!

Hardware, you're doomed.

Louder, louder

Come on! Come on, people!

Let's kill 'em!

Rudy, get it back the other way!

Do we have to have this guy on our team?

- He's totally useless. - He sucks!

I know. Come on. Let's regroup.

Can I have some fries, please?

Gerner! How's it going?

This is the best damn food in the whole Two Pines area.

Not surprised you found this place.

I had you pegged for a gourmet first time I met you.

You know, that's a smart move, bringing a suitcase.

You don't want to be leaving valuable socks and underwear around camp...

where people can rustle around in 'em when you're out on the town.

Thank you.

You like ketchup?

I'm going away.

You goin' to Vegas?

lf you're going to Vegas, I would be up for it because I love that town.

I'm a party guy. I love that town.

I don't think they want me around.

You talkin' about the soccer heads back there?

Well, that's llfe in the fast-paced...

slam-bang, llve-on-the-razor's-edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death...

world of junior league soccer.

I never played the game before. I tried to tell 'em.

What? You tried to tell--

And they--

Who was it?

I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em with this Swiss Army knife.

The Swiss trained me to kill, and I will do it.

I will grab these guys by the neck, take the toothpick...

and stick it right in between their teeth.

Then I'll slap them around the head a couple of times.

They'll go out for a couple of seconds. I'll go for the corkscrew.

I'll grab 'em and take that corkscrew...

and I will stick it right into their voice box.

I will twist that mofo.

I will twist it into his voice box and rip it out.

He'll talk like this for the rest of his llfe.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want them to like me.

Why?

You make one good friend a summer...

and you're doing pretty well.

Look, if you have trouble, come to me, tell me, and I'll help you.

What is that?

Is that yes or no? Yes is like this...

and no is just twisting, twisting, twisting, okay?

- It was yes. - This one? Definitely.

- Yes, one of those. - It wasn't a side-to-side one?

You can hurt your neck doing that.

Have you got wheels, 'cause I need a lift back to camp?

My folks won't let me drive 'cause they caught me drinkin'.

They don't let me out of the house anymore 'cause I'm a jerk.

They're gonna send me to milltary school.

You forgot something.

Thanks for the fries.

Jesus!

- Christ, Hardware. - What're you doing?

Why don't you warn me when you're gonna play with your dynamite?

What are you doing, Hardware?

I'm hooking up this heavy duty outlet for our new air conditioner.

An air conditioner? That's great!

- Where is it? - Morty's office.

He loves the heat.

An air conditioner just doesn't get up and walk away.

Any idea where it might be, Tripper?

I have no idea.

Maybe it was stolen, Morty.

Of course it was stolen...

but I'm gonna find it.

Will you two go over the schedules, please?

Ready?

Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.:

junior boys and junior girls.

Tuesday and Thursday, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.:

junior boys.

Thursday and Friday, 4:00 to 5:00--

- Roxanne. - What?

I have to tell you this as a friend.

I can see right down your blouse.

I can see everything too.

Tripper, is there something seriously wrong with you?

Roxanne, I have what doctors call ''very active glands.''

You're the only person l've told. My folks don't even know.

Maybe you can have surgery without them knowing.

The heck with surgery! Let's wrestle.

I know, let's not, okay, Tripper?

The Atomic Skull Crusher!

Let's not do this, okay? Let's just stop right now.

- Shark-infested waters! - Don't do that one!

Let's stop, okay?

I'm sorry about that blouse thing, but somebody had to tell you.

Get off me right now, or I start screaming.

At the count of three, I guess, huh? One, two-- Help!

Help me! Somebody!

- Help! Get off me! - Tripper, get off.

What the hell's goin' on?

She attacked me!

- Give me a break. - She came on to me like an animal.

Would you get a hold of yourself!

It's great! You can't even see it from outside because of the bushes.

This is it.

Now, in five seconds-- we're talkin' five--

we are gonna have the coolest cabin in camp.

All right!

- Yes! - Thank you, Mickey.

All right. Let's do it.

- Are you ready? Are you ready? - I'm ready.

All right. Five, four, three...

two, one.

Do it!

- Hardware? - Yeah, Crockett?

You're a dick.

Okay, pit stop.

Change the tires.

Not bad.

You got pretty good form. lt's real good.

Really?

Yeah. You know, it's your first time out.

It's okay.

You want to get into shape, though, you gotta come out every morning with me.

I'll make you into an animal.

Top physical condition, you gotta pay the price.

Attention, campers.

Remember, this is killer bee season in the north woods.

So don't provoke any flying yellow things.

You're just asking for trouble.

I told Candace I was gonna christen my boat ''The Candace''...

and she just about had a heart attack.

I don't think she knew how much in love we really were.

- Crockett, can you help me a sec? - Sure, Candace.

Hurry up. Come on.

What are you doin'?

This is the first time I've ever kidnapped a guy!

- No kidding? - You'll be released unharmed!

I just want you long enough to tell you that I'm really attracted to you.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

I think I'm special too.

You're the only one in this camp I really want to spend time with.

Really? Well, what about Lance Cashman?

- Lance? - Yeah, Lance!

Lance Cashman is a total jerk-off!

All right!

She likes me! She likes me!

Jerk-off?

I don't jerk off.

- I don't know how to do this. - Just throw it up and hit it.

I'm sorry.

- Why don't we serve? - Yeah.

Did you see the way she handed you the racket? She wants it.

You guys ready? Here it comes.

I got it. lt's mine!

Get it! Get it! Come on! Lob it!

I got it! I got it!

I thought you said you had it, meatball!

Why don't you serve, then?

Ready?

I got it! I got it!

Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner.

It was veal. I repeat, veal.

The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin...

who guessed ''some kind of beef.''

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You just won a brand-new Chrysler Cordoba.

You can pick it up at Morty's office.

You bet.

Five.

I'll see that five.

Want a card?

I'll take one. Eight.

Fifteen.

Eighteen. I'll stick.

Twenty.

You shark!

Playing some sort of system, aren't you?

Been watchin' the cards, marking the cards.

Burp.

From the diaphragm. See?

Really?

From the diaphragm.

That's not from the diaphragm.

Ante up.

- What do you do in the off season? - Go to school.

Twenty.

What are you, some sort of madman?

Is that what they teach you in that school of yours? Twenty?

I'll see your 20.

I hope you walk outta here with nothin'.

I think I like history the most.

It's fun to imagine that I'm in some other time, in a different place.

Shut up and look at your cards.

Blackjack.

Nineteen.

Twenty-one.

I've had it. That's it.

Card monster. Get out!

I think you're pretty tired. I think you ought to go home and sleep.

This was great.

You're the guy walkin' home with all the peanuts.

If I were walking home with the peanuts, it'd be incredible, sensational!

Are you going to bed?

No. I've called an organizational meeting of the CIT's for a little later.

No midgets allowed. Sorry.

Enough of this playing for peanuts.

Tomorrow night we play for real stakes-- zucchini.

Children starving in lndia, and you're walking...

around with a whole sombrero full of peanuts.

I hope you sleep well.

Good night, Tripper.

Attention, all campers.

It's now 9:30.

And that's lights-out time...

9:30, as you know.

Tomorrow is parents day...

and you must look rested, or Morty will be sent...

to the state penitentiary.

- What are you doin'? - Cut the light!

- Come on. What, is it breakfast? - Hardware.

Get up! Up! Up!

Who's the puppy?

What?

All right, gentlemen. Big event.

Operation Late Night Excitement.

Another panty raid, Trip?

No questions, dogface!

Dress up and move out!

All right. Now.

Don't wake him. Tie him gently. He needs his sleep.

Honor guard.

Prepare to raise the casket.

It won't fit, Trip.

Spin him.

All right.

Company, rotate.

Right face.

Morning, Mr. Melnick!

Hey, Mickey!

Lots of room. Looks fine, Dad.

Looks good, Dad. Come on.

Looks fine, Dad.

Sorry, Dad.

You don't have to run with me today. I know you got things to do.

I'd rather run. Takes my mind off sex.

ls your dad coming up today?

He can't.

Mine can't, either.

He's gotta mow the lawn.

Mind hanging out with me today?

No.

If you let me

I could be your good friend

I know that if you let me

We could walk together

We're not so different, you know

Though we may have different dreams

- Say, got any kids in your family? - No.

Did you ever do any time, prison?

- You know how to hot-wire a car? - Not yet.

You'll learn in class.

Did you read in the paper today about the Polish terrorist?

Tragedy. They sent this guy to blow up a car...

and the guy burns his mouth on a tailpipe.

That's an old one. You'll get that a lot up here.

Rattlesnake! Look out!

Shh! Quiet. Quiet. Shh!

''...her head from side to side against the dank jungle floor--''

Hey, relax.

''ln the distance the ocean undulated with increasing fervor.''

- I can hear them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

This book is really disgusting.

Well, it sounds great to me.

I don't belleve it.

''She could no longer contain the plea.''

Oh, my God!

Oh, you llttle hunk of honey bunch!

Take me!

Make me a woman.

''She realized she was uttering sounds from deep within herself...

noises unlike any she had ever made before.''

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

''...the hungry personification of passion and pain.

Closer and closer...

the stranger came towards the entangled pair.''

- What? - Take me now!

- I said I'm getting a boner! - Will you shush!

Wait a minute. I think I hear something.

I'll check it out.

Quiet.

They can hear us.

I don't hear anything.

- I'm gettin' outta here. - I bet they heard us. Get out of here.

Go on. Get out.

Spaz, I'm stuck. I'm having trouble.

Come on. Spaz, help me.

I'm having trouble!

Spaz, what are you doing?

Spaz, you're rippin' my face off!

Let me outta here.

What are you doing?

What, are you a homo or what?

Attention. Bus for the Camp Mohawk basketball game leaving in 15 minutes.

And there is a very fat pair of pants hanging on the flagpole this morning.

See you at Camp Mohawk, Morty!

Okay, guys! One, two, three!

Camp Mohawk!

Death, injury, blood and pain!

Mohawk, Mohawk, win again!

Look out, Mohawks! North Star's comin' through!

I don't know, Trip. Those Mohawks look better than last year.

Guys, it's important for us to hustle at both ends of the court.

We gotta make the offense work.

We gotta play that big, tough ''D.'' We gotta contain their big men inside.

We gotta crash the boards at offense. We can't give them the basellne.

But more important than the score of this game...

is to score at the big social at our place tonight.

So I want you to go out there and protect your balls at any cost.

All right!

- Bruce Lee, patron of self-defense-- - Pray for us!

- Hey! Let's go! - All right!

- Let's go! - Go get 'em, guys. Thank you.

Come on, Spaz. Let's go, Spaz. Sink it, babe.

- Sorry, guys. - Fink, over here.

This is how it's done.

Looks good. Hardware, it looks good.

All right!

- Try it again. - Another one.

You know, our guys don't look so good.

They're not.

Go, North Star, go!

Hurt 'em again! Hurt 'em again!

Hey, Wheels, you're goin' home in an ambulance.

- Nice shirt, Crockett. - Thanks.

- All right, guys. - Mook.

Let's go. Let's play some basketball. Here we go.

Hey, nice-goin', Mohawks. Nice-goin'.

Assholes.

- Am I all right? - Great try.

I think we're in big trouble.

That Crockett's really cute.

Yeah, but he can't play basketball worth a shit.

There are five guys. They play offense and defense...

but they play at different ends of the court.

They switch sides at halftime.

Wheels!

Hardware!

- You all right? - Yeah.

- Help him, Spaz. Come on. - Easy, easy. Come on.

Now you know why they call that guy Rhino.

- His nose is bleeding. - It's gonna get even bigger now.

Jackie!

- Hardware, you okay? - Yeah.

Hardware Renzetti, girls. lt's just a nosebleed.

Looks like he's gonna be at the social tonight.

lt really doesn't look any worse. Really.

- Really? - Go out there and kill 'em.

Hey, Larry, you scored!

Way to go! Okay, you guys, feed Fink. He's our hot man.

Here, fella!

All right! Yeah!

Come on. Let's go. Let's kill 'em.

- Come on, guys! That's it. - Oh, sure.

Do it again, Larry!

We can beat 'em anyway!

lt's all right, it's okay! We can beat 'em anyway!

Okay, the zone's not working.

They're a little bit too good to cover man-to-man...

and we can't shoot for shit.

What kind of talk's that for a coach?

I'm not gonna lie. There's no way we're gonna beat this team.

What are we gonna do, Trip?

- We're gonna lose. - What?

But we can lose with some self-respect. Here's the idea.

Yea, fellas!

Nice team spirit.

I'll talk to you after the game.

- Late as usual. - Where were you, young man?

Okay, guys, a little teamwork now.

Spaz, get in the bus! Hurry up!

This is the proudest moment in North Star history!

Forget it, Spaz.

They all want me.

Candace is sure lookin' good tonight.

So he offered me 200 bucks to run the saillng program.

I said, forget it. Two hundred bucks doesn't even buy me a pair of shoes.

I'm the best--

Now the serious partying can begin.

Okay, virgins on the right...

nonvirgins on the left.

You fellas can divide 'em up any way you like.