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FILMEXPORT HOME VIDEO presents

LEMONADE JOE OR THE HORSE OPERA

Screenplay

Music

Songs performed by

Lyrics, Sung by Choreography

Decoration designer

Sound, Editing

Make-up, Costume design Animation, Sound effect, Photographer

Setting, Costumes, Make-up artists

Editing assistant Main lighting technician

Sound effects, Stills

Associate producer assistant Production assistant

Second Cameraman

Co-director, Director assistant

Starring

Associate producer

Artistic cooperation

Camera

Directed by

Made by

This film is dedicated to the rough diamond heroes of the Wild West

who avenged wrongs and defended the law.

Stop the scrapping, boys! Now we'll tap another barrel...

...the barrel of art! Let me introduce

our famous Arizona artist Miss Tornado Lou!

She must be mine!

As the smoke thickens in the bar when I sit over my liquor.

I dream that one day he'll come, the champion of my heart.

To him I'll give gladly, gladly, what a maid prizes most highly.

Should he one day appear, As the smoke thickens in the bar.

What's she saying?

Something about smoke in the bar.

What bloke?

Smoke! Too much smoke!

As the smoke thickens in the bar when I sit over my liquor.

I dream that one day he'll come, the champion of my heart.

Today you are my guests... gentlemen!

A shaker!

Lou, you must be mine!

I dream that he will come, the champion of my heart.

And why not me? Doug Badman -

Owner of the damn prosperous

Trigger Whisky Saloon!

I dream of a man who'd make me different, better.

Huh, dreams!

Then I would know what love is, that sacred feeling.

That's for sure!

A double shaker!

Hearken, dear friends, hearken! The Arizona Revival calls you!

There, a substitute for you, dear man. Read and you shall be blessed

with my blessing.

Read and when you've read

you'll never touch a drop of spirits again.

The Arizona Revival. The society of Brothers and Sisters

that will deliver you from the slavery of drink!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Do you think your Wild West will be less wild

if you fill your glasses

with fresh milk or spring water instead?

Quite the opposite.

Quite the opposite. Give up drink

and you'll be quicker on the trigger. Be frank, Pistol!

Spirits don't steady hand or eye...

Am I right, daddy?

Oh, my fiddle, my fiddle!

The kitten shows her claws! Let's give her some milk!

A shaker for the little miss!

And for me a glass of Kolaloka lemonade.

You said Kolaloka lemonade, stranger?

I said it, Old Pistol!

Then you are - Lemonade Joe!

So what?

I think the young lady and this gentleman

are waiting for your apologies, Pistol!

You'd better kneel on your dirty knees

and call yourself a scabby coyote, you stinky old skunk!

...by the time I count three.

If you don't apologize my Smith and Wesson is going to speak up.

And they're slung damn low.

Right. One! Two! Three!

That's him, my heart's champion.

Ladies present, Pistol!

Thanks, noble protector. I'm Ezra Goodman

and this is my daughter Winnifred.

They call me Lemonade Joe.

And me, the Arizona Goldfinch. Tornado Lou - artist!

I asked for a glass of Kolaloka.

Or rather a Trigger Whisky on the house?

I don't touch spirits on principle.

Alcohol has never been a gunman's friend!

It ruins your body and especially your accurate aim.

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

So, barman, a glass of Kolaloka lemonade.

Same for me! Same for me...

We don't stock Kolaloka.

If you'll allow I'll help myself from my own reserves.

Thank you, Mr. Kolalok!

Don't go yet!

I'm coming back.

No need!

And not alone, Doug Badman, The Law will be coming with me!

Brother revivalist Go, Arizona, go!

If I'm not mistaken you're a member of the Arizona Revival?

No. I'm a lone wolf.

Ooh!

You're the Defender of the Law! The avenger of Wrongs!

Fine weather, isn't it?

Yes, very good, indeed.

Marvellous.

Bunglers! Not a corpse! If it only keeps up.

Well, we could do with a little rain.

Mister Pistol wanted the weather to stay fine, Daddy.

Help, robbers!

Do you like shooting, Miss...?

Winnifred.

A lovely name.

Really a lovely name.

We want Kolaloka! We want Kolaloka!

Now do you believe in its beneficial effects?

Firm as a rock.

Have faith, my friends, have faith! Faith works miracles.

Why shouldn't it bring a supply of Kolaloka from the firm Kolaloka&Son?

Adiós!

Do you love him, daughter?

Yes, I do!

Tornado Lou - tigress, storm, fate

and Lemonade Joe, such a softy!

Don't be vulgar!

Joe alone will make me different, better.

To him alone, dear Mother, shall I entrust

the treasure of my maidenhood. After a proper wedding, of course!

I've run out my Kolaloka. Oh, my God!

Mr. Goodman, telegram! Mr. Goodman! Telegram!

Mr. Goodman! Telegram!

Sending you ten trucks lemonade. Long term credit...

Appointing you the general agent for Stetson City

Kolaloka&Son

Oh, Hosanna.

Arizona, Arizona that's where all true men come from.

Cards flip-flipping, bullets buzzing. Cows moo-mooing full of feeling.

I'm happy and content as a fish in it's element.

The race of Arizona men are polite to us women.

Gentlemen with a blow teach ruffians manners before they know.

And in the course of progress shoot from the hip and never miss.

Wham! Bang!

When a drinker of Kolaloka shoots

no need to call a doctor.

Oh, whither has he gone, of my desires, the champion?

I dream, I dream, I'll be with him, of my life, he's fine cream.

Let him go, my darling! Business is bad

but I'm still disgustingly rich. Let's go to Europe for a trip.

Paris, Monte Carlo, Carlsbad!

Old Pistol will carry our trunks.

Serve the Stranger.

You've insulted a lady!

I didn't see any.

The gentleman's vegetarian?

Give them back to the lad when he starts behaving.

Brother!

Bro-brother? A cocoa mark...

The size of a Mexican dollar!

Our common birthmark. Horác!

Doug!

Such long time...

Since we shared the sad fate of foundlings.

Found in the prairie by damnably rough diamond buffalo-killers.

Since we tramped through the gay towns of the frontier.

Dodge City! Abilene!

When we robbed mail coaches... ...and raided banks

...and shot sheriffs!

The happy days of youth!

Place isn't exactly crowded. Anything I can do to help, Doug?

Cut-throat competition.

Phew!

"Did you say"phew", stranger?"

Yes, phew!

Phew to Kolaloka lemonade?

Yes, phew to Kolaloka lemonade.

He's crazy.

An anarchist.

Neither one, nor the...

Hogofogo!

Hogofogo!

Yes, Hogofogo! With 12 nicks on the butt of his Derringer.

Sought by the police in five states!

And arrested in Stetson City!

How embarrassing, you've won.

Hogofogo?!

Hey, barman, a proper drink for a proper triggerman.

You mean Kolaloka lemonade?

No! I mean Trigger Whisky.

We don't stock hard drinks.

A big mistake. Alcohol in small doses is harmless in whatever quantity.

Do I wake or dream?

I'll rub off your bloom, my little peach.

I'm stuck by Cupid's bolt.

Where can I heal my heartache

with a glass of Trigger Whisky? Where?

At the Trigger Whisky saloon, triggerman!

Oh, where shall I find the company of real men?

At the same place!

By the way. I think they need changing, demoiselle.

Go ahead, gentlemen, go ahead!

Whisky, that's the stuff, I say without it my heart's dry as hay.

If my Dad had drunk more of it he would've been alive today.

When whisky shines in a glass, Barman's profits are vast.

Life's worth living when men who're thirsty

can call for a glass of good Scotch whisky.

That round bottle, that colourful label,

the golden whisky makes Manitu unstable.

Why, a man who's worth his meat drinks his whisky and drinks it neat.

And so we men sing strong hereby.

Whisky, that's the stuff, I say without it my heart's dry as hay.

If my Dad had drunk more of it he would've been alive today.

When whisky shines in a glass, Barman's profits are vast.

Life's worth living when men who're thirsty

can call for a glass of good Scotch whisky.

That round bottle, that colourful label,

the golden whisky makes Manitu unstable.

Why, a man who's worth his meat drinks his whisky and drinks it neat.

And so we men sing strong hereby.

Whisky, that's the stuff, I say without it my heart's dry as hay.

If my Dad had drunk more of it he would've been alive today.

Why, a man who's worth his meat drinks his whisky and drinks it neat.

Life's worth living when men who're thirsty

can call for a glass of good Scotch whisky.

I'll take this!

No! Not that one!

Yes! Just that one!

Oh, mother dear, shall I be his?

Of course you'll be mine. Here, on holy soil, my dove.

You Spider!

My little fawn!

You reptile!

Enough zoology!

So now you know all.

Defender of the Law. Avenger of Wrongs. And in fact...

In fact I travel in lemonade. Any objection?

What made you think that? Accredited agent for Kolalok&Son

for the whole of the south west?

With a salary of 1,000 dollars nett.

And a 10% premium gross! Darling!

I am yours. If I get 5% of the premium.

Hmm...

Four...

You can have an even 41/2, sweetheart.

But am I worthy of you? Are you woman or angel?

No! Not now!

I understand, here in a cemetery.

I don't care about the cemetery but...

but my Dad's business may fold up any minute.

What's happened?

Don't you see my moist lips, and my bosom heaving?

My heart's all aflame and yours is frost.

How with love my heart is cracking! My life is on fire.

When I fall in love it's deadly serious.

I'm lost when I see a man. But can you blame the heart?

I said I'd be back, Doug Badman...

and that I'd bring the Law with me.

Or Kolaloka.

Kolaloka- that's the Law.

I'm not armed, triggerman.

Waste of bullets for you, trickster.

Can't you see my moist lips, my trembling shoulder.

Wind me closer to your cruel heart and take your plunder.

Alas, my reputation is as black as may be -

- as black as pitch black tar!

Don't shoot!

Thank you, I can manage this myself.

Shoot - don't shoot - shoot! Don't shoot - shoot - don't shoot!

Shoot! Don't shoot!

Carry out the lady! We've still got a bone to pick,

you whisky bibber!

Yes sir.

Engaged.

Time enough. Once again Good has conquered Evil.

Thanks to what? Kola-

Kolaloka lemonade!

Thanks to Kolaloka the teetotaller is the winner!

And the boozer is the loser.

What's he saying?

Oh, same play on words. The drunk lost.

He certainly looks pretty disjointed. And he'll come apart even more

when he hears that.

Oh, ye gods, what a divine drink is this Kolaloka!

With a Smith and Wesson at my hip

Winnifred: Everybody for Kolaloka?

A glass of Kolaloka I do sip.

No need of bread and butter, no need of lovely women.

My daily bread, my seventh heaven is Kolaloka and no other.

Winnifred: Everybody for Kolaloka?

Joe: What smoke is for a Colt, what water is for a fish,

what... oh, what do I know,

what soda is for whisky,

what rhyme is for a poem, what strophe is for a rhyme,

That, exactly that Kolalo - o - ka is for me,

that exactly is Kolaloka for me, Kolaloka.

No! Here!

Kolaloka in your bed?

At least Kolaloka if nothing else.

Look Lou, they're worth 500 cows...

Fancy, 250 cattle beasties dangling at each ear.

It's more difficult to take than to give.

How easily I'd give him one.

Yes, I'd give in to him.

Only for whites, nigger!

Don't be crazy, they're at my heels!

Excuse my not knocking.

Do sit down.

Thank you. I'll stand. But this gentleman'll sit down

and sign at the dotted line.

I'm to sign this?

You'd better.

If you want to be quick on the trigger,

then Kolaloka is your liquor! Hogofogo. Thanks for the autograph.

We should drink on this. With your permission.

A sip of spring water will also do.

Spirits!

I'm yours, Doug, if you spare him!

It's a deal!

But not for me!

To kill a defenceless man's a shame!

A shame? The word is music to my ears.

Please!

There's nothing your average rogue likes so much

as to pump lead into his enemy's guts...

Soon you'll lie there dead as mutton.

Worm-fodder in your wooden coffin...

Black deed of mine, be done,

we know how to do it

We just put daylight through him. We spray im with our guns.

Soon you'll lie there dead as mutton.

Sooner than you can say Jack Robinson...

Away you go, friend...

Yes, I'm yours. But go away now!

Where are they?

Gone!

How come I'm still alive?

I'm here, ain'I?

You've saved my life a second time.

Why?

Because I love you. Only you can make me different, better.

And what do you want for it?

For what?

For saving my life.

But I love you.

It'll cost me all the more.

Does One sell love?

Oh, you love me free of charge? Unhappy creature.

How right, you wish to be different, better. Do you know what this is?

It's a cheque for 5 dollars. Five dollars in words.

Give it a close look, perhaps it'll raise your morals.

How low you've sunk!

I hate you! I hate you!

Adios!

How I hate you!

Lincoln and Kolaloka, that's something new.

Where does the chap get the ideas?

Where? I ask you.

The town is full of it.

Joe must die. I'm all for it!

But don't you love him any more?

I'll spit on his coffin.

So will I, but how do we get him into it?

You're a man, aren't you?

We're men, aren't we?

Anybody here?

Good folk.

Give a poor blind man a drink

of refreshing, strengthening Kolaloka.

Horace, why the fancy dress?

Because it'll cost Joe dear.

Speak!

Not till tomorrow morning, in Main Street.

Good-bye, darling.

Good-bye.

Allow me to take you across, good man.

Get lost, you little bastard!

Allow me to take you across, good man.

God requite you, young man!

Oh, no!

Ma'am...

Not yet.

What is not now, can happen soon, miss. Oh, the sidewalk.

God will requite you even more if you take me

to Trigger Whisky saloon.

Trigger Whisky saloon?

You wonder what an old man wants there?

A humble living.

The piano needs tuning

and I'm an old blind sick piano tuner.

I know every keyboard in Arizona. And I tune and tune.

Which way? This way! And I tune and tune.

God give you good earnings, good man.

As I can hear, nobody is in. Oh, a sofa.

No, it's me.

Perhaps you'd better lead me to the piano.

It smells of vice here.

The foreign perfumes of fallen women.

Concert A is all that's left for me. Oh, it seems to be very serious.

Goodbye, Mr. Tuner.

You're a great artist, poor man!

Used to be, used to be.

I soared on grand pianos to the highest spheres.

I played before crowned heads and then...

What then?

Bad company and spirits.

Damned spirits!

And then cards, young lady.

Squinting at other people's cards in poor lighting

cost me my eyesight. And then...

What then?

Gwendolin, angelic Gwendolin took her fiancé's ruin so to heart

that she pined and pined till...

Till...

Till what?

Till...

Till she pined away. I see her as it were today.

A girl lies on the dissecting table

and she lies there, white as snow

the doctor says:

I'd have you know the lass is in a very poor way.

Today I found her stiff and stark beneath a white linen sack.

Tomorrow at the graveyard ten girls fair as fair.

But only nine out of ten will aye return from there.

Before my eyes, the world suddenly turned black.

What happens to me now I don't care a brass tack.

But when I kick the bucket I'll be buried in my best.

And all this luxury is needed so that above they'll know

just what a lad I was.

How proud I lived when here on earth below.

But the funeral will only have proper pomp and show.

If at the four corners four hearties bear the pall.

My life being one black record of crime and lust and vice.

The girls from the speakeasies will accompany my hearse.

When they let down the coffin and dust returns to dust.

Then the band in black will deliver a final shattering burst.

This will be the proper ending

for this heartrending blues.

Poor man, how you must have suffered!

Yes, I've suffered. But I see - hear

your hankie is soaking.

You've wept your golden heart into it.

May I offer you mine, clean and immaculate as yourself?

Th-thank you.

Inhale, my beauty, inhale!

Whither away?

What business is it of yours, milksop?

Quite a lot. I'm engaged to Miss Goodman.

My name's Lemonade Joe.

My name's Doctor Quartz, family doctor.

What's happened to the young lady?

One over the eight.

And not for the first time either.

Impossible. She hates spirits.

Hates'em, does she?

Her favourites are - wood spirit, eau de cologne or either.

But her favourite of all is ether. Take a sniff!

Indeed.

Better give me a hand, dandy.

I'll treat her at my office. Go to comfort her Papa, he'll need it.

And me too.

Courage, young man, courage! Hi, blondie!

Lemonade Joe, any idea what a fool you are?

No, I haven't.

I'll tell you tonight at midnight...

...in Dead Man's Valley. Your sweetheart will be there

and that same night she'll become an object of my natural perversion.

I hope you'll come to congratulate me.

Sincerely yours Horace Badman, alias Dr. Quartz, alias Hogofogo.

The nights are cold!

What's that?

The nights are cold!

Yes, yes.

I'll need to put on my woollens.

Last year in Lincoln Jim Stapleton played around.

Because he had a bit of fight the sheriff mitted him.

On their way to Santa Fe, Jim said:

No matter what you do I'll breeze out of a place

and will be free as a bird. La, la, la, la

That evening in Johnny's bar we were sipping black coffee

and thinking about old Jim in Santa Fe.

Then with a big bang a lantern was smashed...

and the whole bar was suddenly pitch black.

A figure stood at the door and the air went cold,

it was clear to everybody it was some kind of a ghost.

That moment in Santa Fe

I only say the bit that I know,

just as he was climbing through the window

poor old Jim was shot.

Stop him!

Idiots!

Some mistake, ma'am.

A truly inhospitable place.

We want a shot of us and him together.

Souvenir, souvenir...

I'll have a shot too!

You will see madam, how we have it figured out.

Nothing will help him this time. Not even that...

This is for you from Horace.

Phew, Kolaloka. No, whisky!

Control your drinking, my friend, we haven't won yet.

The bait.

Why did you come, Miss?

I want to see his death!

Going to torture him?

Tell me all the details.

Really, very original torture. And na-tur-ally...

Oh, how I hate him.

Hands up!

May I trouble you to collect the pop-guns?

How marvellous he is! But he has to die.

I'll be back. Oh, much obliged, ma'am.

If you want to be quick on the trigger then Kolaloka is your liquor!

Oh, what have I done? I love him still!

Why aren't you eating?

It turns my stomach,

your dirty tricks with that pure innocent girl.

Purity, innocence - titbits for my lust.

Monster, were it not for that cocoa-mark size of a Mexican dollar,

I couldn't believe you were my brother!

Allow me to introduce my assistants.

Coyote Kid, Pancho Kid.

I'm not interested in your Kids.

You'll soon change your tune, my lad!

I'm a double-dyed butcher. Torture's my delight!

No, no, no!

Don't listen, darling.

You should feel ashamed, gentlemen.

And then we'll fling you into that well.

Then I'd like you to mark it clearly: Not for drinking!

He's a saint. I am bad,

but little do you know how sad is the fate of a foundling.

And then love disdained.

Can you ever forgive me?

Poor little foundling. I forgive you everything.

He forgives me.

All right, ma'am, but don't get in the way!

If you haven't the nerves for it, go home and don't get in the way.

When all is over

I'll send Horace a smoke signal:

Expect a visit from the deceased's fiancé.

Cigar!

Hey, milksop! Say Kolaloka's a drink for wimps.

Stinky opossum!

Say it again!

Stinky opossum twice over!

Let's get going!

Bravo, bravo!

What's this sudden change, ma'am?

It was only a mere crisis of nerves.

But now I'll bring my grist to the mill.

And I forgave you.

Because you're a Simple Simon. What about a souvenir shot?

I'll snap it for you. Why not?

All nicely, in a row on the well there.

That's right - side view.

Mr. Coyote Kid a little forward.

Mr Gringo further back.

Ready- out flies the little bird!

Joe!

Winni!

I suffer and yet I give you my blessing.

After all he was an enemy you could respect.

And what of my child?

She'll be the victim of my lowest instincts.

Oh, what a horror!

Poor Dad, have you forgotten that we might as well be

the children of loving parents?

Loving, or not loving, the farce of life flies on...

and nobody's interested in what happened in Act One.

Where are you off to?

To fluff up the nest of love.

...suggestive picture.

A sensuous waltz

and my personal charm

guaranteed to soften the resistance of any woman.

Father! Daughter!

Father-in-law! Son-in-law!

What's she doing here?

Lou is different now, Dad. Better.

She wants to fight for a more moral Arizona.

Yes, I'll open a house of ill repute

where only Kolaloka will be on sale.

I'm deeply touched. A praiseworthy intention.

Excuse me. I must change...

Change?

The battle is not yet won.

She ought to be here any minute now. Music!

Yes, sir!

When I tap the glass with a spoon...

Yes, sir!

Does the heat of passion make me so hot?

Why have you put off your usual colour?

This suits an avenger better. My last will... should I not return.

No!

In which case give it to my Dad.

Mr. Charles William Kolalok

President of the company Kolalok&Son. And you are...

His son.

Triggerman and factory-owner's son? What more do you want, dear?

And his heir.

Universal?

Fortunately... unfortunately.

I'd have had brothers and sisters enough were it not for that fateful day

when my parents moving to their new home

in a covered wagon were overtaken by a hurricane.

The children were blown out

and I've never seen them since...

And you weren't blown out?

No, you see, I wasn't born yet.

So now you know my whole story.

See you soon! Perhaps...

He'll come back, dear.

Not disturbing you? Interesting. A man changed to stone.

Pulse still beating - not quite hopeless

Damned bastard!

At last a warm human word.

Excuse my negligé.

Thank you, fruit only after my meal. Let's sit down, shall we?

What do you want?

Only a little game of poker.

If you win, this toy is yours.

And also the right to have a fair triggerman's duel.

And if I lose?

I'll shoot you like a dog!

You've not right to kill me.

You forget you're a wanted man in 4 states.

But this is the fifth.

Nough said!

A gentleman doesn't play this way.

This is the way a gentleman plays with a rascal.

What rubbish.

How many cards do you want?

None, thanks. Good, I've three aces in reserve.

Dammit, where are they?

In your other pocket. Wait, I must go at it systematically.

Thank you for the conjuring number. Two pair- and you?

You've lost, salad!

All right! Pump lead into me ad lib.

Maybe I'll pump, maybe I won't pump.

If you want to be quick on the trigger then Kolaloka is your liquor.

I seem to have heard that one before.

Yes and you'll hear it again.

And if I sign?

You can go.

I thought you were a Defender of the Law?

What's good for Kolaloka is good for the Law.

I did not shun the foulest deed against you.

Life is a battle.

I wanted to dishonour your sweetheart.

It's all a matter of taste. Will you sign?

Permit my sustaining glass of champagne.

By all means.

Yes, Mother dear, it's all fixed now.

I won't disturb your meditations.

I'll go gather a bunch of flowers for the grave.

That's what you think, my darling.

Devil!

Angel!

Brutal violence will triumph!

You nasty pig of a man!

First a sweet kiss and then... Three guesses.

That's for you, you perfidious old rattlesnake!

What have you done?

Oh, a mere trifle.

Brother- and yet a monster.

Corkscrew!

Poor girl, your tornado-ing days are over.

Wait, is it possible? Co... Co... Cocoa...

Good afternoon.

Sorry, darling, for being late.

A cocoa mark the size of a Mexican dollar.

What do you see?

A cocoa mark the size of a Mexican dollar.

The same birthmark.

That means that Doug...

...was my brother.

...and look

A cocoa mark the size of a Mexican dollar.

Your sister.

And what about me?

Look!

A Mexican mark the size of cocoa dollar. No, the other way round.

Let's see! No!

Brother!

Goodbye for ever!

Good gracious, what a sight!

Only heart shot through twice, one in the stomach and so on.

A single drop was enough!

Wounds, shocks, corns, gall,

Kolaloka cures them all. Thousands of grateful letters!

Recommended by medical authorities! Even in cases of clinical death.

Dad!

Dad. That's her!

Let me clasp you to my bosom, little girl!

Oil!

Gold!

Mr. Kolalok, you've won 5 million on the stock exchange!

Billion!

Billion? Five billion dollars.

I knew that Good would conquer.

Touching. I could almost wish not to be a villain.

No, son, our business needs all kinds of talent.

Villain or hero, we're all one family.

And so...

And so...

And so...

Whiskola.

Alcohol-free!

Alcoholic!

Lemonade!

For alcoholics and teetotallers.

Whiskola.