Original subtitles

[soft relaxing music]

[cell phone ringing]

["A Cause Des Garcons" by Yelle]

[cell phone ringing]

[cell phone ringing]

[moaning]

[music intensifies]

- Fuck!

Hmm, watch it!

[Allie moaning] Oh!

[Mary] How many times

do I have to tell you this, Mom?

I'll call you!

Allie?

Allie, is that you?

[Allie] Yeah...

Okay, so just so you know,

I really, really have to...

[Pam] poo.

- Bye.

Thank you so much for dinner.

I hope Allie's doing okay?

[Allie]

Ah, you were at dinner

for like three hours.

And where the fuck were you?

I had to tell my parents

you were on your period.

Ugg! Gross!

I overslept.

I just laid down

for a little nappy nap,

and then...

I couldn't get my ass

out of bed.

And then you clearly

didn't get ready once you did?

Well, you know,

I can't get ready without you.

[soft laugh]

So can we... go get ready now?

-I'm ready!

-Oh I'm sorry,

my name's Kort, and I'm so cute.

I don't even need

to get dressed up to get hit on.

Let's have a parade.

Bitch!

Thanks,

that's really sweet of you!

Whatever. I'm going to go

get started.

I might even shave my pussy.

Oh, put my name

on those left overs

because I don't want these sluts

eating our shit

when we're not here.

Why your name? I can be mean.

Just put my name on it.

These girls know

I don't play games.

[Kort] Oh, you mean

you're a bitch?

Oh, okay!

Well, that was kind of... mean!

Thanks.

[fast paced music]

[water running]

[Allie] So...

I'm thinking this is the year

I get a boyfriend,

You know, I'm sick of blacking

out fucking frat guys,

It's like, I just want

to settle down, you know?

I mean, last year I had

my slutty sophomore stand,

which was fine.

I'm not going to judge

myself for that.

I mean,

we all go through our phases.

Except for you!

But... Whatever,

I just feel like...

This is my year... you know?

Until we go abroad, that is.

Well, I don't think

you can really plan

for that sort of thing.

Whatever, dude. I'll...

have some flings with some Brits

while we're there,

and then when I get back...

We'll date!

Then he'll propose shortly

after graduation, and then...

Move to Silver Springs.

He'll get a six figure job

working for an embassy and...

That will be that!

Or you can get

a six figure job.

Okay, whatever. How do I look?

[vibrant music]

You look hot!

Really?

Yeah, seriously you look good.

I don't know...

I just hope I look fuckable.

[Luce] Yeah, I don't know,

I was walking from campus today,

and I just kept finding

these feathers.

Feather, after feather,

after feather...

Feathers?

Yeah,

it's a Native American thing.

Alright, so the guys

say to get there at ten,

and bring some money

for the keg.

[Luce] Are you sure?

Whatever, I'm sure

he was just like suggesting it.

[Luce] Don't defend him

because you used to blow him.

Okay, it's not like I sucked

the life out of him.

-I only did it once!

-[girls laughing]

Can you please pour me

more of that wine?

[Luce] Oh, sure thing.

Thanks again for the wine, Kort.

Anything for you, Mary.

[Pam] Don't thank her,

her parents bought it.

Anyway...

You serious,

you don't want to come out now?

I don't know.

My stomach's

kind of bothering me.

-[Kort] Really?

-Yeah!

Who do you say

is going to be there?

Will you just shut up

and get drunk with me?

[Allie sighing]

Please don't leave me with them.

-Okay, I get it. I'm your rock.

-[Kort] You are.

[glasses clinking]

[giggling]

Fuck it!

[Luce] Are you two

just going to sit in there

and scissor all night,

or come fucking party with us?

[loud upbeat music]

[unintelligible chatter]

Go, go, go!

There we go, girl!

Yes!

Hey, hey, now come on!

[yelling]

Hey, dude, is that the way

I do that for you?

Shall we go get [inaudible]?

Yeah! Let's go!

She's so cool!

[Allie] Okay, wait,

how are my boobs?

-You look good!

-[Allie] I do?

-Yeah.

-Do they look big?

I want them to look big.

-Yes!

-[Allie] They do?

Go back to what you were saying.

[Allie] Oh my god! Okay!

So, my schedule is the shit.

No classes on Friday,

like ever.

No classes before 1pm, and...

two of my classes

only meet once a week.

It's a fucking joke!

Your parents

must be really proud.

They should be!

I'm kind of a genius!

Okay, what is this?

Yeah, I called this

the Ben Affleck,

because when you drink it,

you're going to be gone girl.

[Kort] Oh Shit!

-[coughing] It's terrible!

-[Allie] What? It's so good.

-No, it's not.

-Excuse me Kortney...

Who is it?

I have no idea.

Is he hot?

He's... Gorgeous! Top ten.

-Hey!

-Hi.

[nervous laughter]

Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude,

I just...

I thought you were

really pretty.

I got your name from...

a friend.

Was that creepy?

A little bit.

[laughing]

-Okay, can I try again?

-Yeah.

-I'm Daniel...

-[music intensifies]

[door unlocking]

[Mary sighing]

[Kort] Can you hurry up?

Waste Of time!

Seriously, now you want

to hang out?

Who wants to hang out?

Kyle! He doesn't talk to me

all night and then suddenly

he wants to "watch a movie".

I mean, it's--

[Mary] Ahh...

[Allie]

So, what the fuck

did you talk about?

Um... He said he's new...

No shit he's new dude.

A hottie like that

doesn't just fly under the radar

for three years.

Jeez!

Sorry, go on.

Um... He transferred

for lacrosse...

[Allie] Ugh, duh!

He's going to be a junior

in the classroom

and a senior on the field.

Oh my god, no way!

He still has

two full seasons left?

Yeah, I think he said something

about redshirting or--

Oh my god, I don't care about

his fucking NCAA eligibility.

-Was he hitting on you or not?

-[Kort] I don't know.

Dude, shut up. He totally wants

to penetrate you.

[Kort] Oh, Gross!

-[Kort] What, you think?

-Yeah... Okay.

[Allie] What's his first

and last name?

-I'm gonna Facebook this bitch.

-When did you get this?

Oh, I convinced my parents

that it would help me

do better in school,

but I totally just use it

to watch porn.

You know what I need?

I got his first name, Daniel.

That's it.

They're five fucking Daniels

on the lacrosse team.

I'm going to need

more than that.

I think his eyes are blue...

His eyes are blue?

That's not

a Facebook search query!

A blue-eyed dude

on the lacrosse team,

who probably has a big dick.

Whore!

[lively music]

[Kort] Jesus!

What are you doing?

Just a little research.

Okay, here's the deal.

I talked to the boat shoe crew

over there,

and they said

his last name is McMullen.

He's single.

[laughing] Okay.

And he transferred here

from Maryland.

Like I said.

He sat out last year

because of an injury.

-That's what I said.

-Okay, who fucking cares!

Look at these photos!

See this? Beautiful scenery...

-[Kort] Mmm.

-[Allie] See what that is?

It's a lake!

Do you know what that means?

His family has

a fucking lake house!

I like those shutters.

[Allie] Whatever. You see

these two little bitches?

-[Kort] Huh.

-[Allie] Those are his sisters.

[Kort] So?

Do you know what that means?

What?

Okay. Any guy with two sisters

or more is twice as nice.

It's like a rule of thumb.

That's kind of sweet.

Okay, what I'm saying is

I approve.

What, because he has sisters

and a lake house?

Yeah!

[Allie] And... look at this!

I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, abs!

[Allie] Hello, hello abs.

[Kort] They're so cute!

So you like him?

I didn't say that.

You said that.

Kort, if you don't want

none of this Nantucket nectar,

then move over!

'Cause this girl is parched.

Mmm...

Okay, I like him.

Thank you.

It's about time somebody

manned up around here.

[lively music resumes]

[whistle blowing]

Wait, hold on.

If this works out, I'm not

saying that it will or won't,

I'm saying if...

If this works out

and you guys settle on four kids

even though I'll probably

push for five.

All right.

We're leaving for London

in three months

and we cannot take

a boyfriend with us.

I just met the guy.

Oh, you just wanna get

some of that dick.

I respect that.

Just think about it.

Right now he's down there,

just sweating his balls off.

Hmm... Lovely!

One day you might even

get to lick them.

[laughing]

[Allie] Seriously.

Pussy.

[soft music]

[message tone]

[cell phone chiming]

[lecturer 1] Remember

that the United States

at the beginning of the 1930s,

had not fully asserted itself

as a global superpower.

It has begun to, when--

[cell phone chiming]

Oh, my bad!

[lecturer 2] Let's begin

by understanding

what bottlenecks truly are.

Bottlenecks are, contrary

to what you may believe,

factory phenomena

where the performance...

[lecturer continues

speaking inaudibly]

Generally speaking.

Now, for example...

[lecturer 1] Until 1941,

and in that period,

the US struggled to figure out

a way to become involved

and insure its place

as the Guardian

of the western hemisphere,

without actually

involving troops.

Now this process would go on

to become known

under the rhetorical umbrella

of "The Good Neighbor Policy".

And one of the ways

they did that...

[lecturer 2] ...with the same

processing speed

of 500 units per second

flowing into our input...

[lecturer 1] Even though

the United States'

popular opinion

was actively...

[lecturer 2 continues talking]

[lecturer 1] The idea

of becoming involved

-in another...

-[Allie laughing]

in another world war.

[lecturer 2] They give you

two widget line flow systems,

where you have

two identical widgets

with the same processing speed

of 500 units per second.

So, you see by adding

one additional widget maker,

we're able to diffuse

the bottleneck entirely.

And therefore as a whole

help facilitate factory

and operating at a 50% hype

utilization level.

Pretty interesting stuff,

wouldn't you say?

By your blank stare,

I would take that as a yes.

Moving on.

[Daniel] Oh, hey!

-Oh, hey.

-[Daniel] Hey.

Are you in this class?

[Daniel] Ah, yeah.

I thought...

I thought we caught

eyes earlier.

Oh, really?

Sometimes I'm like zoning out

and not like seeing

what's in front of me, so...

And, have you talked

to the doctor about this?

[laughing]

It's actually, it's funny

that we're in the same class,

because I was...

Well, I was hoping...

I don't know, I was wondering

if you would be up for--

[Allie] A date!

Yes, you want a date!

Who doesn't want dates here?

-I know, right?

-This guy's a fucking dreamboat!

-[Kort laughing]

-[Allie] So, what did you say?

I told him... Oh, I told him...

I told him, "yeah".

What, should I not

have said "yeah"?

Well, it depends

on how you said it.

I said it like...

Yeah.

-Yeah.

-No, I didn't say it like that.

It was like... more like...

Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Okay, no, this is it:

Yeah.

Like, you know, I'll do this,

potentially...

But if I do, I'll be doing you

a huge favor.

-What do you think?

-I think it's... perfect!

So, what are you going to wear?

I don't know, this.

No!

-Come on!

-What?

-[Allie] We gotta fix this!

-Why?

You look like a grandma!

[Kort] I look like a grandma?

-But you're wearing

velvet shoes!

-These are very hip...

["Ivy League Circus"

by Gordon Voidwell]

-Pit stop!

-We already ate before class.

Who cares, you can throw it up

after when you--

-Stephen!

-Allie!

Hi!

Good to see you.

Good to see you too.

[laughing]

What the fuck was that?

You're still talking?

I mean, he still texts me.

Only after 2 a.m.

I think there's something

wrong with his plan.

Sorry.

Can this guy move?

Well, when is it? Thank you.

God, when's your date?

I don't know.

He's going to call.

What? He's going to call?

Not text?

Um... yeah.

Classy!

Oh my god!

[Kort] How's that yoghurt?

-Do you want some?

-[Kort] No.

-[Allie] Have some!

-No, I don't want any.

[Allie] Have some. I want it.

I'm Kort, I'm skinny,

I'm want it.

-Stop!

-[Allie] See, you have a little

on your face.

[Allie laughing]

What do you think

about this one?

Did somebody die?

Um... you if you don't stop

talking shit!

Dude, you've got to give him

more than your knee caps. God!

He's better

than that dress, okay?

He's tall, he's good looking.

He's got those beautiful DSL's.

DSL's? How does that help me?

[Allie] Depends what

you're in to.

Look, we've got to go more

Beyoncé, less Bea Arthur.

I'm going to look

like a birthday cake

with nipples in that thing.

That sounds delicious.

Let's go try shit on.

["Classic Girl"

by Deidre & The Dark]

Do you like?

Do I look like Heidi Klum?

Oh, okay.

So, I'm having mixed feelings

about this one.

You know, I like it because

it's versatile but then again

I just really don't know.

Walk away, just walk away.

[Allie] You don't like it?

Dress it up, dress it down.

Like, right now the way

I'm wearing it,

it's going to look formal

and I can just wear

it anywhere, right. Like a--

Formal?

Like Diane Keaton

who's a stripper?

[Allie] Oh, girl,

you look fabulous!

But I can't have you out here

like you're going to a bar,

when we know

you're trying to go to a party.

Then, with just like

a slight adjustment...

it becomes casual.

-Yeah, very casual.

-It's like... beachy.

There!

Babe!

-No?

-No!

Alright, come out.

Oh... yes!

It's perfect!

-You really think it's good?

-[Allie] Yes.

Can my cat

come to the wedding?

Okay, what's the damage?

-Oh hell no!

-What?

It's $500.

-No!

-Yes!

[mimicking crying]

I'm sorry baby,

but you're not worth it.

We'll figure something out.

-So, Mary's top?

-Yes, with the pants

of yours I like.

-Oh, that can work. Perfect!

Oh my god, love it!

Oh hey, have you all

listened to this?

-What?

-Cereal. The podcast.

-Never heard of it.

-Okay, well,

if you do, don't tell me,

I'm pretty sure

I can crack this puppy.

-[Allie] Okay.

-Alright.

I'm sorry.

-What's your plan?

-Oh... I have a class tonight.

-Yeah, interesting!

-Dammit!

Ok, I'm going to go study...

and then...

Hey, when you're back

do you want to do movie night?

If by movie night you mean

season three of Downton?

What the fuck else would I mean?

[mimicking a British accent]

Right, sorry, mate!

-Pip, pip and bollocks.

-[Allie] Okay, I can't,

it's terrible.

You're ruining it.

Hey... Let me know if Dan Dan

gives you a ring ring.

-[Kort] Okay.

-[both] Bye.

[lecturer 3]

...and with 140 characters,

that's how Twitter

killed the feature story,

which leads me to...

ending this class.

Have a great night, guys.

[soft tranquil music]

He still hasn't called?

Why is it that whenever

I want to do something important

the mother-fucking internet...

Oh... there it is!

Okay, look, like I was thinking,

this little pussy boy Daniel

better grow a pair

and make a fucking phone call.

Do you think

he's seeing someone else?

Maybe he lost his phone.

Or... or it broke.

That happens!

[Mary knocking] Hey!

Do you have some... batteries?

For what?

For my TV.

Remote.

No.

[Kort] Maybe he's dead.

You know what, dude,

fuck this little cocksucker,

okay?

He said he would call

and he hasn't.

He's either gay,

a commitment-phobe, or dead.

Either way,

I say we're over him.

-[cell phone ringing]

-Oh my god!

Unless that's him...

If that's him,

I say we're back in.

-What do I do?

-Answer it!

Hello.

[whispering] It's Daniel!

-Hey.

-What the fuck's he saying?

Oh no, it's fine.

Ah, ah, ah...

[Allie imitating having sex]

That's fine.

Uh-hm.

[Kort] Yeah, that works.

Okay.

I'll see you then.

Bye.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Allie] It's a baby!

[kissing] Isn't it cute?

Okay, what did he say?

Okay, so first of all he said

"Sorry for calling so late".

[Allie] Precious!

And then he said he wants

to take me out this weekend

but he can't because he's going

out of town with his family.

Lake house!

Next weekend, if I'm up for it,

he wants to take me

to dinner on Friday.

What?

Nobody even goes out on Fridays!

-That's brilliant!

-I know.

[Allie] Okay...

You tell me

what you're thinking,

and I'll do the same, okay?

Ready? One, two--

-You need to hit the gym!

-I hope he takes me to a club--

What?

Maybe just a little cardio!

["Jerk It" by Thunderheist]

You gotta open up your gait,

baby girl.

What?

Your strides, they're tiny!

Longer strides, more calories!

Stop running like a toddler,

start running

like a grown human woman

who wants to get laid.

See that dick! Run to that dick!

Faster! Run to it!

Kegels, feel the kegels!

Pull... inside your vagina.

Eye of the tiger, baby, earn it!

Squeeze it! Burn! Feel the burn!

Harder, Kort!

You're not going hard enough!

Earn your thigh gap!

-What are you doing?

-Shut up!

-Jesus!

-Oh my god!

You're doing great, man.

Don't let your hips drop.

[Kort gasping]

Don't let gravity win like this.

[Kort] I'm not.

Don't touch me

with your nasty chip fingers!

[Allie mumbling]

What?

I said I see gravity winning

and I don't like it.

You're disgusting!

[lively music]

[Kort] I don't know if my ass

got bigger,

or these jeans got smaller.

Oh, I washed them

like four times.

[laughing]

What do you think, Pam?

You look amazing!

Agreed!

I have something for you.

-Just in case!

-[Pam laughing]

You've got to be prepared

if shit goes 50 shades!

What the fuck, you psycho!

♪ You know you want to ♪

No!

[doorbell ringing]

[laughing]

-Be safe!

-[Allie] The world is

a happy place.

Excuse me! No girl gets her door

on her own fucking date!

-[Allie] It's my door to get!

-Get the door!

It's my door!

You stay right here!

Hello, sweet cheeks.

-Hey! Is Kortney here?

-Who?

I'm just kidding.

That little whore's right here.

Oh...

Hi!

[ambient music]

Thanks.

[waitress] Your server

will be right with you.

-Enjoy your meal.

-Thank you.

This place is really nice!

I guess I always

sort of thought that

first dates should be...

special.

You know, just in case.

Yeah.

Ah, yeah.

[door closing]

Is Luce here?

She's upstairs.

Martins?

He took you

to mother-fucking Martins?

It's crazy, right?

Who does this guy think he is?

A goddamned Kennedy?

[Allie] This guy's the tits!

Ladies, let's have a shot

before everyone gets here.

Or two.

I want to get super weird today.

You already are weird.

Thanks.

-There we go.

-You're welcome!

This literally has a pube in it.

It's disgusting!

["Never Coming Down"

by Midnight Riot]

So, did you get any?

-Any what?

-Cut the shit.

Tell me you broke that dick off!

-[Luce] Wait a minute.

-Come on!

[Luce] I'll text you.

What happened?

[Pam] I think Kort broke

someone's dick off.

-What? I want to hear!

-Oh my god!

[Luce] Oh come on! Cough it up!

We just kissed on the cheek.

Fuck, yeah!

Daniel, the lacrosse transfer.

[Luce] Wait, wait!

The mancer from Maryland?

They went on a date.

-Would you stop?

-Take it from the top.

Okay, okay, okay... Alright.

We walk in, it's gorgeous!

Like, there are all these

pictures of DC on the wall,

like flappers and pictures

of the Potomac,

and the hostess took us

to our table,

and we sat down,

and we just started talking...

I don't know!

And that's when

she's sucked his dick.

Oh...

-In the restaurant?

-[Allie] Ah ha!

[laughing]

Just like Jackie O

would have wanted!

[laughing]

Allie, hurry up!

You don't need make up.

We're just going to study.

Oh my god! What happened to you?

Oh yeah, I know, I'm fine.

It's just I couldn't

find a scarf.

Is that a hickey?

-Who did that to you?

-I have no idea.

I could have done it

to myself for all I know.

I got to go have brunch

with my mum.

[softly] What?

[mellow music]

[Allie sighing]

Hey, do you think

I should text Steven?

Hmm?

Do you think

I should text Steven?

Why?

Oh, because I want to.

I thought you said

he only texts you after 2am?

Yeah, but...

I feel like sometimes guys

don't really know

how to communicate--

Where are you going?

I'm in the middle of a sentence!

Kort! Don't you agree

like sometimes guys just don't

know how to communicate

and they like need you

to be the one to initiate?

'Cause we're just like putting

all this pressure on them

to be the ones, but...

maybe they need us

to be the ones.

And I just need to get creative

and to let him know

that it's cool to text me

during the day.

Kort, what are you looking for?

-A book!

-Oh my god!

I'm sorry.

I have a classic tale in 15

and I'm like oddly

stressed about it.

Oh shit!

Okay, so I feel like,

first class,

having a first date,

is like really pivotal.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I think...

But yeah, I feel like now

is the time to just like

pump the brakes

and start with the mind games.

What mind games?

Poker face!

[stressing each word]

You don't like him.

-I don't like him?

-[Allie] No!

-Okay.

-I don't see you.

I'm winning, but you don't know.

-Yeah.

-I'm full royal flush,

and kings and queens,

and all those...

You never played poker?

I still feel weird.

I mean, you feel awkward,

which is normal,

because it's going to be

so awkward when you see it.

Thanks.

[lively music resumes]

-Cool if I sit here?

-[Daniel] If you want.

Cool!

[woman on TV]

What does it mean to you

when I say "run like a girl"?

[child] It means run

as fast as you can.

[woman] Throw like a girl.

Fight like a girl.

So, do you think you just

insulted your sister?

[child] No.

[Allie sighing]

[woman] Is "like a girl"

a good thing?

[message tone]

[melodic music]

I feel like he's judging me.

Hmm... He is!

-[laughing]

-I don't care.

You know, sometimes

it's kind of wild

-to think about.

-What?

I don't know like all this.

The Capitol,

monuments, White House...

all the huge decisions

like they've made here

while we're just worried

about flipping cups

and hooking up.

You get dumb shit here too.

[Pam sighing]

[woman on recording]

So last year

I spent every working day

trying to figure out where...

Hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just getting a feel

for the facts.

Apparently I do,

where a high school kid was...

She has a nice voice.

Yeah! Yeah, I like it too.

-Hey, um, quick question?

-Hmm.

What do you think

about Jay's testimony?

I mean it seems

pretty suspect, right?

And this mister "S" guy,

he's a real wild card,

I mean who is he,

where did he come from?

I have no idea

what you're talking about.

[Allie] But... uh...

[Allie] good luck... with this.

-[man] I don't know.

-[Luce] Come on!

If you don't like it,

if it hurts, we'll stop.

Let's just try it.

[Daniel] Well, my siblings

all root for each other.

My parents

are still together and...

unfortunately

they still kiss in public...

[Kort laughs]

And oh, I always had to have

the new gaming system, like...

right when they came out.

-So you're a spoiled?

-Oh god...

I hate that word, but... yes.

I like to think that

I came from a good family.

What about you? Are your...

Are your parents happy?

Yeah! They're happy it's just...

not with each other.

As simple as that?

Yeah.

Do you mind

if I change the subject?

Yes, please.

[laughing]

Oh, hey,

what does Allie think of me?

Did I... pass the test?

I don't know.

We don't really talk

about you that much.

[Allie singing]

[sighing] So stupid!

Oh, I'm famous, I'm pretty.

Oh, I'm married.

-Hey, Allie.

-Hey.

Whatever! Fuck you, Mom!

I know it's your money,

but it's my credit card.

It has my name on it.

[melodic music]

Oh... Hello...

[Daniel] Hey, Kort...

[music intensifies]

Um... Will you date me?

[speech drown out

by louder music]

Okay, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking...

[door opening]

What the fuck is this?

-[Kort] What?

-You're dating?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hello.

Hi.

Kitchen! Yesterday!

Allie...

[Allie]

Were you not even going

to tell me about this?

[Kort] What are you

talking about?

It just happened

ten minutes ago.

Well, congratulations...

I thought you'd be happy for me.

I am.

Seriously, I am.

Now, I want you to notice

how these things

are all correlated,

both on the front end,

and on the back.

For example,

if the factory is operating

at its optimal capacity,

and there are zero bottlenecks,

everything should be fine,

right?

Wrong!

Because, even if

everything has been taken

care of on the front end,

there could be a problem

brewing on the back.

Now, what am I talking about?

Daniel!

Um...

Supply chain management?

Exactly! Elaborate.

Um...

It's kind of like

when your factory,

it makes stuff,

but at the same time

you need to make sure

that you have enough...

enough other stuff to keep

all the machines happy.

I mean like... like working.

Right?

[whispering] You're an idiot!

Not as far off

as you would think.

To the big board.

[melodic music resumes]

Huh!

[Allie humming then whistling]

Mmm, look at this little cup

of fuck pudding!

Mmm...

I'd like to give you a tour

of this campus!

Are those jeans from Europe?

Just kidding, come back!

I'll try anal!

["Girls chase boys"

by Ingrid Michaelson]

Who are you listening to?

Um... Nelly...

Furtado.

What?

[Kort] Oh, this is cute!

-Do you want to try that on?

-Oh, no that's okay.

-Sure?

-[Daniel] Why not, come on!

It'll look good on you.

Why don't you try something on?

[laughing]

[laughing]

I just... I don't think

it's sitting on me quite right.

[seller] I know something

that will sit on you!

-Honey, no!

-What?

It's legal now!

[Allie humming]

What are you doing? Stop!

I do not respond well to this.

[laughing] What?

Come on, do it for me.

D-Man.

Who is D-Man?

-It's just what they

used to call me

back in the hood.

[Kort] Give me the spoon!

I will take the spoon!

[Daniel] Come on,

that's not fun.

That's no fun.

[Allie] Mmm...

It's so good!

-[car honking]

-Go fuck yourself!

So, you've really never

played before?

Nope!

-Really?

-Uh-hm.

[Daniel] Alright, let's just

begin with the basics.

-Okay.

-What I'm doing right here

is called cradling.

-Okay.

-So, it's like as if you were,

-you know--

-Cradling.

Yeah, I got it!

[Daniel] I'm going to toss you

the ball now.

So just kind of accept it

as opposed to trying to catch

it as if you're a statue.

-Okay. Like this?

-[Daniel] Right?

-[Daniel] Yes.

-Okay.

-Ready?

-[Kort] Yeah.

-I'm impressed!

-Beginner's luck!

Now, here, here, here.

Throw me the ball back.

So just...

take it back as--

[Kort laughing]

I... I got in

on a lacrosse scholarship!

-Hmm.

-Allie too.

[Daniel] So now

we have trust issues.

So, thank you for that!

[laughing]

[Daniel] So, why did you quit?

[Kort] I don't know...

I mean, I like lacrosse,

it's just...

college sports

are a lot of work, you know?

I just don't know

if it's really worth it.

For me, at least.

But it got me into a school

I probably shouldn't

have gotten into.

[Daniel laughing]

I knew it!

[Kort] What?

I knew that you were dumb.

-I knew it!

-I'm dumb?

[Daniel] I just knew it!

Rude!

[Daniel] I'm joking.

What about Allie?

Did she just quit

because you quit?

[Kort] To be fair, no.

I just think she's... lazy.

Hey, Pam!

Yeah?

Have you ever felt like...

you're happy for someone...

uh, you know, like...

like you're happy for someone...

I mean you're completely

happy for them,

but you're like...

want what they have...

Oh! Yeah!

[laughs] I'm jealous

all the time!

-No!

-I mean I'm jealous of you

for being funnier than me.

And Kort for being prettier,

and Mary for eating less

than me at dinner.

And Luce for sexting

all the lacrosse guys,

even though I do find it

morally questionable,

slash, would secretly

do the same.

And Jen for saying

the shit that I think

but I'm actually

too scared to say.

Huh!

Why, what's up?

Nothing!

Okay, well...

I'm going to go do some laundry.

Bye.

[sighing]

[reflective music]

[Kort] Hey, Allie!

Daniel and I are going to go

and catch a movie if you want--

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Mar!

-Hey... um...

-What's going on?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah?

Okay... um...

Daniel was in my dream

last night.

We were in South Carolina

eating Chick-fil-A,

even though it was a Sunday,

and it started out slow,

but by the end of it

he had me kind of over

the back of his Chevy

and was raw dogging me,

on the hood.

I'm really sorry.

Okay...

Thank you for... being honest.

What?

[oil sizzling]

Oh, fancy seeing you here!

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, I just...

I haven't seen you around

much, that's all.

Crazy!

But... I think I have

something fun for us!

Oh yeah?

You want cheese on this, right?

Yes, please.

Okay. So, Daniel's friend,

also name is Daniel, actually,

is renting out the [unclear]

for his birthday,

and he wants all of us to come.

Are they going to be boys there?

[Kort] Um... tons!

Okay, I'm listening.

Okay, so it's this Sunday,

nine o'clock.

I know, he's like one of those

has to celebrate his birthday

on his birthday types.

Eww!

Okay, well, can we do

a girl's day before?

Um... I actually told Daniel

I'd go to the Skins game

with him.

You're calling them

the Skins now?

Okay. Well, will you still

help me to get ready?

Duh! It's a one o'clock game.

Okay.

Do you think like...

I don't know,

do you think she likes him

more than me?

No, you're right, you're right!

That's stupid!

I just...

I don't know, I get...

I get self-conscious,

'cause like...

I feel like he's replacing me.

Do you think he is replacing me?

Come on, Will!

[Will] I've got to go!

What the fuck,

I was talking to him!

[Allie] You don't even care!

[cell phone chiming]

Oh shit!

[leisurely music]

You want to see me?

At 11:30, aka 30 minutes ago,

and no, it's my job to see you,

by no means

do I want to be here.

Sit down!

So, it appears that

this being tardy thing

is becoming a bit of an issue.

Most specifically

with Professor Rosenthal,

who wrote,

"It's almost as though

she's trying to be late."

Do you have anything to say?

[counsellor] Uh-hm.

You do realize that

just as in life,

this type of behavior

does have consequences?

Yeah, I mean, I thought,

I don't really

don't have to go to class.

Well... you don't

have to do anything.

I don't have to...

mow my lawn.

But I do!

Because it keeps

my neighbors happy.

Was that... an innuendo?

The point is,

if you don't take action,

more often than not,

these things tend to

come back and bite you.

And... not in a good...

"Oh, that feels nice"

kind of way!

I think we're done here!

Oh, okay.

So, do you want to eat first,

or do you want

to grab food there?

Well I don't want

to really eat hotdogs, so...

Hold on one second.

What's up?

I'm just going to get

my nails done, but...

I wanted to say have fun

at the game.

Cool! Thanks. You too.

Um... Alright. See you later.

Sorry.... Yeah.

Yeah, we can get Chinese.

[leisurely music]

You excited for tonight?

Yeah, I guess.

A little nervous, actually.

Allie, can I be frank?

Yeah.

You're a little boy crazy.

What?

You torture yourself

over all this shit,

and I really don't know why?

I mean...

sex, love, having a boyfriend,

it's... supposed to be fun.

Me...

I like the game!

I like to flirt,

I like the chase,

and yes, I like to fuck.

And maybe that's you,

maybe it's not, I don't know.

But, that's for you

to figure out.

Just don't live off

the world's ideals because

most of them

are just a bunch of bullshit.

[cell phone ringing]

There's no more

rule book, Allie.

Let's go with black.

[reflective music]

Hey, Allie!

Hi.

Can I have one of those?

Yeah?

And like four of those?

Yep. Your usual.

And then, maybe one of those.

Ah, you're getting

adventurous on me.

Yep. Just gone crazy.

[woman on recording]

Don't tell me Jay was scared.

Don't tell me...

-Hey, is Kort around?

-Oh yeah,

I think she's in her room.

Okay.

We didn't have them

15 years ago.

And we still

don't have them now.

What?

Is this a joke?

Finish the GD story, sweetheart!

[credits being read]

Who does this?

Dude, I'm sorry,

that pedicure took forever.

I'm just going to shower

really quick,

I swear I'm not even

going to masturbate.

Just kidding, no promises.

[fast paced music]

[water running]

Whore, don't even act

that you're not impressed,

I was less than five minutes.

Okay, okay, so I'm thinking

about going

super scandalous tonight,

I'm going to let

these ass cheeks

leak out a little bit.

Whatever, just tell me

what you think.

Oh!

♪ I get so excited ♪

["Girls" by Makio]

Guys, dudes, let her chose!

Let her chose!

I don't care if she's your babe.

-There's no easy buckets.

-No easy buckets.

-No easy buckets!

-Uh-uh.

Kort, could you please

shut these guys up?

Yeah, bring it, bring it!

[cheering]

Bro!

[tapping]

You know, I definitely

prefer wine over beer.

It just makes me feel more...

more like a lady!

[giggling]

You know, more sophisticated.

Kind of...

I read a study that says

it's rich in probiotics.

Plus it helps me get fucked up.

[laughing]

[Allie] Cheers to that.

[unintelligible chatter]

Does my hair look all right?

Yeah, solid!

Nice!

I just switched products, so...

[laughing]

[Luce] Allie, what's the deal,

why aren't you dressed?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh I'm just... Um...

waiting for Kort,

because I told her

that I would help her

get dressed.

You know how we do.

Hmm!

Oh, shit!

[chaotic music]

I totally forgot to relay.

Okay, so I talked to Kort,

and she got roped into some...

beer pong tournament

thingy with Daniel,

at a completely

different location.

So, she's just going

to have to meet at the party.

Give me that fucking wine.

[music intensifies]

[music intensifies again]

Sorry.

Thank you.

Hi!

Thank you.

What the fuck are you doing?

What do you mean,

what are you doing?

You should not be drinking

any more,

and you have to hold--

What? I look great,

it's like a dress basically.

Thank you so much.

[Luce] You so don't need that!

I'm sorry, Luce,

I don't remember asking

you what I need.

[Pam] Allie, maybe we should

take you home.

Thank you, they'll pay.

I'll have a glass of Pinot.

["Waving Wild" by Arum Rae]

-Oh, hey, Kort!

-[Kort] Hey! Hey!

How was the game?

-[Kort] It was really fun.

-Really, was it?

Yeah! Yeah, it was really fun!

Oh, and how was

the beer pong tournament?

It was really fun, Allie.

-It was?

-[Kort] Yeah!

-Was it great?

-Yeah.

That's great,

I'm so happy for you.

And did you have a good time,

Danny Boy?

-Yeah, it was a fine time.

-You did?

Hey, guess what?

I like to have a good time too.

I'll suck your dick

for a dollar.

-Allie!

-[Allie] What?

-She's kidding.

-Yeah, I'm kidding.

I'll do it for free.

[Kort] What the fuck

is your problem?

What's my problem?

What's your problem?

You just give everything up

for some guy

you met two months ago!

You just said you were going

to blow him!

Yeah, I was just trying

to get in on the fun.

He's my fucking boyfriend,

Allie!

He's your only friend... Kort!

Go fuck yourself!

Fuck you!

Phil, can I get a dollar?

Hey, Allie!

Allie!

I just want to let you know,

it's not my fault

you went off the reservation

and stopped taking care

of yourself.

It's not my fault

you're a vain whore,

who replaced me

with Captain America.

Don't give me bullshit,

because I can get a guy

and you can't.

You sleep all day.

You don't study for anything.

You don't push yourself

to do anything.

You're just a selfish dick

who expects the whole world

to fall into your lap.

Thanks, Kort!

No, don't do that.

Take some fucking responsibility

for once in your life! God!

This is why I'm not going

abroad with you.

Perfect, well I'll just be

in Great Britain

getting bukkaked,

and you'll be here

dating Daniel.

-Great!

-Awesome!

What's bukkaked?

Um... when a man and woman

love each other,

a man invites

all of his friends over...

You know what?

Kort told me what happened,

and don't worry!

A lot of guys

can't get their dicks hard,

when they're fucking 40!

[friend] Daniel,

what's she talking about?

[solemn music]

Uh oh!

[woman] Is she wearing a towel?

[keys falling]

[crashing]

[truck reversing]

Where the fuck have you been?

[Allie] Trash.

-What?

-[Allie] In the trash.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

No, I mean, it was Allie, but...

She looks like shit!

[knocking]

Kort?

Kort!

Is she in there?

Yeah, she's in there.

[sighing]

[mellow music]

[sighing]

[music picks up pace]

["Pretty Boy" by Young Galaxy]

Oh!

Fucking yoga bitches!

Fuck!

Fuck, it's hard!

Oh god!

[Allie] This isn't a bad pace!

Not a bad place at all!

[mellow music]

And so, as managers,

the problem

we're left to solve is,

how do we repair

our system's flaws?

-So as to return to a point...

-[cell phone chiming]

as closer to optimal

while still living with

the fact that optimal

doesn't necessarily

mean perfect.

You see, we're not just

in a theoretics class here,

where we bank on stand-alone

principles in a vacuum.

We're dealing with real issues

in the real world.

-You got to see this, man!

-Awesome, man!

Alright, I'll see you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Do you know

who you're talking to?

I'm the Dean of goddamn

students, sweetheart!

-Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

-It's too late! You're expelled!

Just kidding!

I don't have the power

to do that

[vibrant music]

[cell phone chiming]

Hey... I just need you

to listen to me for one second.

Hear me out, baby girl.

[music accelerates]

[sighing]

[chopping]

Okay.

Everything okay?

-Huh?

-Yeah, everything's great.

[Pam] What are you making?

[Allie] I'm not really sure,

but I feel really cool

because I measured

a bunch of shit,

and I got to mince something

for the first time.

Oh, do you want help?

Uh-uh! No way, I got this.

Fucking son of a mother-fucker!

That's so hot!

[chuckling] All right.

I have my phone if you need me.

Thank you.

[mellow music]

Shh...

Say no more.

I didn't say anything.

Okay, you're good, you're good!

I got you!

-You know I can't see, right?

-I know, I've got you.

[Daniel] Hey!

Oh, I'll let you two be.

Actually, I prepared something.

[Allie sighing]

Daniel, this first part

is for you.

My apologies for the other night

when I offered to fellate you,

and also for the things

I said about your dick,

and it's limpness.

That was both

rudely inappropriate,

and a pretty dumb thing to do.

And now, Kort,

this second part is for you.

My apologies for the other night

when I offered to fellate

your boyfriend Daniel,

previously mentioned

in the first part

of the speech, and also--

-Allie!

-...this dinner--

We get it!

Okay, the point is, I'm sorry.

Truly!

It was all...

very unbecoming of me.

Oh! Thank you for your time.

[Kort chucking]

I love you!

Allie told me that

if I didn't say that she'd...

shank me and make it seem like

it was an accident.

Jesus!

I'm sorry.

I hope I didn't ruin this?

No, you didn't.

[food cooking]

It's supposed

to be chicken, but...

[Daniel]

But it's a liquid though,

I don't understand it.

If you skim it off the top

it's not as bad.

Hey, guys.

-Hey!

-How is it?

-[Kort] Um...

-It's um...

It's fucking horrible, isn't it?

It's really not very good,

Allie.

Daniel, any thoughts?

[Daniel] I mean it's not bad,

but um...

It... it's just tough to chew

and... swallow.

Yeah, I kind of saw this coming.

[Daniel] Yes! Real food!

[exhilarating music]

Do you mind

if I have a sip of this?

So are you going to hold this

over my head forever?

I don't know!

I just might though.

Would make up sex help?

[laughing]

Is that all you girls

think about?

-Mmm.

-[Daniel] It is, isn't it?

-What, it's been like a week!

-[Daniel] Really!

What? Are you not going to help?

Um... She...

She handcuffed me to the table!

-[laughing] Oh my god!

-[Daniel] Yeah!

So, how's it going out there?

Looks like it's going well!

I mean... not that I'm watching!

I'm not! I'm just...

From the few glances

that I've stolen, it...

Looks like it's going well!

And I only saw those glances

because I want to keep

the standard of service high.

Sure.

-[Kort] Yeah, it's going well!

-Good.

I like him.

Yeah...

[Allie] Me too.

So why did you act like that?

I... don't know,

I guess it was just...

more fun when we

were chasing them together,

than when you

were dating him alone.

Yeah, I guess

I wasn't the best...

best friend, was I?

I kind of got caught up

there for a while.

Hey um...

You didn't mean

that abroad thing, did you?

Yeah... I did.

I mean,

not for those reasons but...

I never really wanted to go.

Okay.

Can I give you some good news?

Yes, now would be a good time.

He has a friend

that thinks you're hot.

[tranquil music]

Proceed.

Apparently, he thinks

you have a nice ass!

This ass?

That ass!

Okay, I'll take it!

He wants to take you

out for a drink.

-Shut the fuck up!

-[glass breaking]

[laughing] Oh my god!

Whatever.

I did that to be dramatic!

I fucking hate that plate!

Tell me what

we are working with?

[music picks up tempo]

You look good!

-[Allie] Stop that!

-How do you feel?

I feel good. I do.

I'm a little nervous though.

You can be nervous.

You're just not allowed

to fuck him!

Does that rule still stand?

-[Kort] Yes!

-Like a 100%?

[Kort] Yes, you slut!

Great!

The dress looks good too.

[Allie sighing] Really?

I don't know, kind of feel

like I'm made for these things.

-[Kort] Alright, perfume?

-[Allie] Check!

-[Kort] ID?

-[Allie] Check!

And...?

[Allie] It's the first date!

I'm just asking!

I trimmed!

Daniel, thoughts?

Gorgeous!

-It's very sweet of you D-Mac.

-[Kort chuckling]

Okay. Go on.

[Allie] I... oh, bye!

[laughing]

[mellow music]

["The Day I Died"

by Alex Winston]

[hostess] Can I help you?

Huh?

[hostess] Are you looking

for someone?

Oh! No.

[sighing] I'm okay!

[music intensifies]

Oh, would you look

at the slice of apple pie!

Come over here, cutie!

What's up, little boo?

I'd like to give you

a tour of this...

This camp-pus...

You ever seen Mystic River?

Little Sean Penn wannabe!