Original subtitles

‫Wife

‫Mother

‫These are my roles

‫I chose them

‫For better for worse

‫And then you came along

‫Exploded all of that

‫Morning

‫Good morning darling

‫Did you sleep ok

‫Oi How did I raise ‫such a caveman

‫I hate to break it to you mum

‫but I don't think ‫cavemen had almond milk

‫What have you got ‫planned for today

‫Nothing life-changing

‫I used to dream of having ‫the things I have now

‫A wife a house

‫a family of my own

‫I suppose I thought when they were ‫mine I wouldn't corrupt them

‫How wrong was I

‫Morning Marsha

‫This is a surprise

‫Your father's out in the garden

‫Could you get him for ‫me please

‫I think I can manage that

‫Edward

‫Edward

‫Yeah It's Patrick for you

‫Patrick I hope you know ‫it's mum's birthday

‫Well she was my wife ‫before she was your mother

‫Thanks for enlightening me

‫That's all I called to say

‫God

‫Sorry

‫I'm in the quiet carriage

‫I only rang to sing ‫you happy birthday

‫Well ‫and to tell you the crap news

‫My flight back's been cancelled

‫I've tried everything But it

‫I even resorted to flirting ‫with the man at the desk

‫No dice

‫The next flight back's ‫not till tomorrow

‫Hello madam

‫Good afternoon ‫Checking in for Julia day

‫Welcome back mrs day

‫Just me this time

‫Are you any good with flowers

‫Is that a gender neutral ‫question mr day

‫Or are we swimming into ‫dangerous territory

‫Yeah sod off ‫It's a yes-no question

‫Will you um

‫Will you order something nice ‫for my mother's birthday

‫What colours does she like

‫White

‫Not a colour

‫Leave it to me

‫How much do you want to spend

‫However much I ‫I just want it to be special She's

‫She's on her own now so

‫Wow

‫They're a bit small ‫actually darling

‫Thank you

‫Well what can I say ‫It's not every day your old ma turns 60

‫Less of the old How are you

‫You know horribly busy

‫Everyone's on their third ‫consecutive late night

‫but don't worry I've told them ‫that I have to be out by eight

‫Don't be ridiculous ‫If you have to work you have to work

‫But it's It's your 60th ‫It's a big one

‫Please don't worry ‫I do worry a lot

‫I i feel like a total shit

‫but della and Leo are just going ‫to have to hold the fort this one

‫Mum I I I've got to go ‫I'll make it up to you

‫I swear Co

‫Hi I have a table booked ‫tonight under the name of day

‫I need to cancel it

‫Wonder what we're missing

‫A 520 bc warrior woman

‫No bigger than my ‫index finger

‫Yet you could tell ‫everything about her

‫Her strength her capability

‫And what she had to put up with

‫Well either you work here

‫or that is some serious ‫armchair buffery

‫Buffery Is that a word

‫Probably not

‫So do you

‫I did many many years ago

‫Not that many years I'm sure

‫So what What was it that you ‫did here many many years ago

‫I was a conservator

‫And if ‫Somebody didn't know what that was

‫It's looking after the exhibits ‫recording their intricacies

‫Basically doing the impossible ‫- halting the march of time

‫Sounds kind of

‫Incredible

‫It was

‫So why Why stop

‫Life got in the way

‫Yeah

‫Yeah I know what you ‫Ladies and gentlemen

‫the museum will be closing in 20 minutes ‫Thank you

‫Thanks for the Expertise

‫You make me sound like I'm 100

‫Would you like to ‫go for a drink

‫Who with What

‫With with me

‫You can say no

‫I'm not some weird stalker ‫who's going to follow you home

‫and strangle you ‫for rejecting me

‫Ok I'm going to ‫stop talking now

‫Except to say ‫My name is Benjamin

‫Julia

‫Julia

‫Well it was very nice to meet ‫you Julia

‫And I'm sure you

‫Well ‫you may well have other plans

‫Well I did but I

‫Not any more

‫Sorry it's so rammed ‫It's all right

‫My son works in a pub

‫My youngest

‫Works is overstating it ‫He takes the least shifts possible

‫My husband Ex husband

‫courtesy of my ex best friend

‫doesn't mind Leo drifting about ‫Says it's character building

‫so my other two go crazy about ‫it of course

‫That's all out there then

‫Hi you've reached Julia ‫Sorry I missed you Please

‫If it makes you feel any better ‫I was only cleaning coffee

‫What is the worst ‫thing you've ever done

‫I've always been terrified ‫of getting in trouble

‫Do the right thing

‫It's a desperately dull mantra to live ‫by but live by it I do

‫I think if I'm really ‫honest with myself

‫I've chosen to be this way

‫If I didn't if I ‫Let myself off the leash

‫I don't know where ‫it would take me

‫What I'd be capable of

‫None of us do

‫And I'm remembering why me ‫and white wine aren't friends

‫Um what about you

‫Your worst thing Fine ‫Fine fine I

‫I said some things to my dad

‫Shitty things

‫Things that turned ‫out to be lasting

‫Sorry this is totally ‫unacceptable first date chat

‫Thank you Benjamin

‫It was really fun

‫So i better go

‫I'd never forgive myself if ‫anything were to Happen to you

‫You mean on the long and treacherous ‫journey to the very secure lift

‫and my locked door

‫Exactly

‫Hello Good evening sir

‫This is Very nice

‫Julia

‫Sh

‫It's all right

‫Are you serious

‫I was stealthy ‫I was beyond stealthy

‫I can see that

‫So why'd the mothership ‫decide not to stay

‫Quite unfathomably ‫she's decided she'd rather stay in a hotel

‫than our perfectly ‫nice guest bedroom

‫Never mind the cost of it ‫she'll be on the other side of town

‫to her grandchildren which is just ‫Bizarre

‫Yeah well it is your mother ‫What's that supposed to mean

‫She's had a crappy year

‫If she wants to treat herself ‫then she should don't you think

‫Yes Yes I do ‫I'm tired is all

‫And this fucker

‫Lovely fucker hasn't given ‫me a minute's peace all day

‫Well she's just had ‫and then some great oaf

‫Some great handsome oaf

‫Give her to me

‫Hello

‫It's ok

‫Sweet

‫I know It's tough isn't it

‫Yeah I know

‫Yeah good girl

‫It's not much of a view

‫I disagree

‫I was attempting to be wry ‫Unsuccessfully clearly

‫You're being ridiculous

‫At the risk of you ‫laughing at me again

‫Would you like to dance with me

‫I'm sorry It was a ‫Stupid idea

‫No it wasn't ‫I um I just

‫Can't remember the ‫last time I was asked

‫Hey

‫Hello

‫You have to go

‫Why's that

‫I was 60 yesterday

‫60

‫And you're Well I mean I don't ‫even know but you're bloody young

‫And

‫Julia

‫Shall I get some room service

‫Right so until we've ‫done the tower of London

‫we can't really consider ‫ourselves proper tourists

‫I've already got the ‫perfect excuse for work

‫and before you say ‫anything it's not a lie

‫it's just not a truth as such

‫Sounds like a ‫question of semantics

‫No ‫It's a question of intention

‫And since I have no intention ‫of doing anybody any harm

‫it only counts as ‫a tiny white lie

‫You are dangerously persuasive

‫So here's what I'm thinking ‫I have to go back to Devon

‫I have something that ‫I can't get out of

‫And this

‫Something that you ‫can't get out of

‫is that a ‫Long something or a short something

‫It's a lunch something

‫So I'll meet you back at Paddington ‫in time for dinner then yes

‫I'm starting to think ‫that you're certifiable

‫Where've you been ‫I was worried

‫I even resorted to calling ‫Leo to see where you were

‫who of course ‫had no idea what day it even was

‫What have you been doing ‫all this time I

‫I mean how many galleries ‫can one woman really consume

‫You'd be surprised

‫Julia where have you gone

‫I'm right here

‫Don't take me for a fool

‫You're thinking of that ‫feckless son of mine

‫Much use it'll do you

‫"The man who commits ‫adultery with a woman

‫"is lacking sense

‫"He would destroy ‫himself" Does it

32-34

‫They should make that into ‫a fridge magnet Hazel

‫It's very pithy

‫Something wrong with the bell

‫Hello mother ‫Nice to see you too

‫I have visitors Yeah I

‫Julia

‫She's all yours

‫Well don't leave on my account

‫Who said I was

‫Someone's waiting for me

‫Hey I saw your car

‫You really do go above and beyond ‫the call of duty for Hazel

‫We're family ‫Well we were a family

‫How was your birthday ‫I have a train to catch

‫My least favourite subject ‫at school was history

‫Always felt so irrelevant

‫All we have is what's to ‫come not what's been

‫That's convenient for you

‫I have to run

‫But the one moment that always stood ‫out for me was that brief period

‫during the cold war where everyone ‫just got their shit together

‫It didn't mean they were all best ‫friends everything was forgiven

‫It just meant I don't know ‫things could be easier

‫I'm not having ‫this conversation

‫You have to at some point

‫Aw thank fuck you're back

‫There's literally nothing ‫to eat in the fridge

‫Light bulb's gone ‫in my bathroom

‫and the kitchen sink ‫smells like a dead badger

‫Good news Curt's got a load ‫of bricks for the pizza oven

‫He's said he'd give me ‫the lot for 500 quid

‫which I said I was good for ‫obviously but i'm Well Short

‫So you want money

‫Thanks mum You're the best

‫Do you or do you not know ‫where the light bulbs live

‫I get it ‫This is about your birthday

‫I've said it already ‫but I'll say it again

‫I'm sorry that I forgot

‫I just I have a lot ‫going on at the moment

‫and I'll make it up to you at ‫your fast-approaching 70th

‫Come on you've made your point

‫Not everything is always about ‫you Leo

‫Hi

‫Hi

‫I know flowers are a more ‫traditional reunion gift but

‫It's very sweet

‫Thank you Ready Yep

‫Hi you've reached Julia ‫Sorry I missed you

‫Please leave a message ‫and I'll call you back Thanks

‫Patrick

‫Shit

‫Right response

‫I'm need to

‫You look amazing You really do

‫But

‫Excuse me Sorry ‫Is there somewhere we can sit

‫Somewhere a bit less hectic ‫Sure

‫You're a brave man ‫I wouldn't bring my mum here

‫Lucky he didn't then isn't it

‫Julia

‫Julia

‫You do not look like my mum

‫Look I've held off ‫asking this because well

‫because I didn't want ‫to know the answer

‫but what exactly are ‫you doing with me

‫Why aren't you with ‫someone your own age

‫What's wrong with you

‫I see we're done with ‫the pleasantries

‫I know nothing about you

‫Nothing concrete ‫That's not true You know lots

‫I don't even know your last name ‫It's a pretty bloody basic detail

‫My last name is Greene

‫All right

‫Now can Can we please just try ‫and go back to having a nice evening

‫I don't think we can

‫Fine Fine You want to know stuff ‫Here is stuff

‫I was born in the ‫royal surrey hospital

‫I'm a Virgo

‫I'm an only child

‫Always wanted a brother

‫Somebody who could ‫look out for me

‫but in the end who really looks ‫out for anybody in this life

‫My parents they

‫Well let's just say they don't ‫really factor into the story

‫And in answer to your question ‫I was with somebody else

‫I was with someone my own age

‫I even thought that I ‫was going to marry her

‫but it turns out that she well ‫she had a very different plan

‫So I think "fine ‫fine that's me"

‫ "Done"

‫And then I happened to meet you

‫And I forget about her

‫Just for a little ‫while I forget

‫And yeah You're older

‫Big deal

‫Ta-dah ‫Did you just tick everything

‫Maybe

‫Aren't you sick of ‫ordering room service

‫No

‫You'd be happy just holed ‫up here for another week

‫never leaving the ‫room wouldn't you

‫You are literally describing ‫my dream scenario

‫It's not real life though is it ‫Well who needs real life

‫I think I do

‫I think we have to ‫face it at some point

‫Ok

‫So

‫What do we do

‫We

‫We tell people

‫The dreaded people

‫So who gets the honour ‫of being told first

‫I guess my kids

‫All right then

‫Um

‫They're going to love you

‫Hi mum

‫Hey Happy birthday Thank you

‫You look

‫How are you darling ‫How's work

‫Eimear and the girls ‫They send granny their love

‫Thank you Ooh

‫Did dad get you anything

‫Can we not

‫Not tonight Just ‫Tell me he at least got you a present

‫Why would he ‫Because you were married for 35 years

‫Patrick he got you a card

‫Just tell me he at ‫least got you a card

‫I don't want a card from him ‫I don't want anything from him

‫I just want to have a nice evening ‫with no mention of that fucking man

‫You're a good boy

‫Happy birthday

‫Thank you

‫I'm not that late Leo

‫So what are we eating

‫We were waiting for you to order ‫Well wait no longer my friend

‫Ooh lobster looks lush

‫It's 50 quid a kilo ‫Yeah we're having the set menu

‫It's mum's birthday dinner

‫Belated birthday dinner ‫so it's up to her to decide

‫Do we have to order ‫off the set menu

‫Have whatever you want darling

‫There's something well ‫there's something I need to tell you all

‫and I'd appreciate it if you ‫didn't pass it on to your father

‫You're not dying are you

‫No Leo I'm not dying

‫Sorry to disappoint

‫The divorce has ‫finally come through

‫and I've

‫I've met someone

‫Like a romantic someone ‫Like a romantic someone

‫Well it's better than you dying ‫I think

‫Don't be a dick ‫It's much better

‫We're not ready to order ‫I'll let you know

‫No he isn't ‫Um this is the someone

‫Benjamin This is Benjamin

‫What the actual fuck

‫He can't be much older than you

‫I think mum's having ‫some kind of breakdown

‫This is a smart place you know

‫Della do you need ‫to um freshen up

‫Shall we

‫So um tell me Benjamin

‫What kind of cushty ‫work number have you got

‫that allows you to be prowling ‫art galleries in the afternoon

‫Copywriting

‫You kind of set your own ‫hours hence the

‫Prowling

‫Sounds almost too ‫good to be true

‫Very nice

‫Very cool

‫Us lawyers don't do cool so

‫Well I'm sure that there are

‫Other perks

‫Yes there are

‫Wolves kept firmly ‫from the door

‫Can I

‫You're using lip ‫gloss now as well

‫As well as

‫What part of the world ‫is it that you hail from

‫Kent

‫Well Kent's a big place ‫Where exactly

‫Tiny village you won't know it ‫Try me

‫It's called newenden

‫Family still there ‫Are you not going to eat that

‫Please be my guest

‫I see you've got yourself ‫quite the tattoo there

‫Leo Julia tells me that you've ‫moved back home with her

‫Temporarily ‫I'm back home temporarily

‫Yeah no I just mean I get it

‫Can't be easy for your ‫generation to try to

‫I wouldn't say you're far ‫off my generation Ben

‫It's Benjamin

‫Look why don't we just address ‫the colossal elephant in the room

‫I don't know what you mean

‫I understand that this ‫is awkward for you

‫I'd be the same She's your mum

‫You're rightly protective of her ‫Well thanks for the permission

‫Then you see this youngish guy

‫and you're thinking ‫ "what's his game"

‫All I can say to try ‫to reassure you

‫Is I'm not going to hurt her

‫Good ‫Cos if you did we'd kill you

‫How are you

‫Thank you No mum

‫Put it away

‫Well that's kind

‫See you

‫Really good to meet you all

‫Thank you

‫That is properly grim

‫You'll love this ‫Leo has already managed to tell dad

‫It just slipped out I made him ‫swear not to say anything to mum

‫She specifically ‫asked us not to

‫What can I say I'm in shock

‫I mean she hardly soft-soaked ‫us with either bombshell

‫The divorce isn't a bombshell ‫It's overdue

‫How did dad take it ‫He thought the timing was interesting

‫How depressingly typical

‫thinking the whole world ‫revolves around him

‫Right Benjamin

‫What's he after One word ‫Well two I suppose

‫Gold digger Thank you kanye

‫Do we instantly have ‫to be suspicious

‫Yes He's what 20 ‫30 years younger than mum And

‫Mum has the house the ‫villa the investments

‫She's the proverbial ‫golden fleece

‫I'm sure she'd love to ‫be described like that

‫The man didn't even try ‫to pick up the bill

‫Never mind he's decked ‫out in designer gear

‫which I find hard to ‫believe he paid for

‫So what if mum wants to treat him ‫It's her money

‫That's my inheritance you're ‫talking about Well our

‫He was evasive Artfully so

‫When you think about it

‫how much did he really ‫give away about himself

‫It was a dinner ‫not an interrogation

‫Could be an opportunist ‫Could be far worse

‫Either way ‫we'll obviously have to stop it

‫Has it occurred to either of ‫you that mum was happy tonight

‫Like ‫actually properly happy

‫like in a way she hasn't been since ‫our bellend of a father walked out

‫How is it then

‫Emily being back

‫What She's Back ‫How do you know

‫It's a new-fangled thing ‫called social media

‫I assumed she'd ‫tell you herself

‫There is a thing called tact Leo ‫Coming from both of you

‫I've got mates to see ‫Not that this hasn't been lovely

‫Right

‫You didn't need

‫I'm totally fine about it

‫So what

‫She's back She didn't tell me

‫It's no biggie

‫How's everything ‫with you anyway

‫So much detail ‫It's overwhelming

‫Everything's great ‫if you count getting

‫Let's see Yep ‫four missed calls from your wife

‫because you're out past - ‫wait for it - ten o'clock

‫Remind me never to get married

‫I don't think you ‫need reminding

‫I've just realised something ‫of epically tragic proportions

‫Our 60-year-old mother is getting ‫laid more than both of us

‫Come here

‫Dell do you

‫Do you ever think about

‫This thing with Benjamin ‫Will burn out Guaranteed

‫So I say let her enjoy herself

‫And if it doesn't

‫She's our mum

‫It's our job to protect her

‫One of your guests Julia

‫Julia day What room is she in

‫I'm afraid I'm not at Liberty to ‫disclose that information sir

‫I'm her son ‫I just need to speak to her

‫That may well be the case sir ‫It is the case

‫Right

‫Me My mum

‫Now what room is she in

‫I'll see if mrs day is willing ‫to receive further visitors

‫Thank you

‫Further further visitors

‫I'm her son He's He's

‫He's with her

‫Patrick What's going on

‫I think I was just

‫I didn't know you ‫were coming back

‫And shit-faced I

‫I um

‫I'll get you some water ‫Thank you

‫I'm not sure what ‫I'd do without you

‫I'm sure you'd cope

‫I refuse to be anything ‫like my parents

‫My mum I love her ‫I really do but she is weak

‫Always has been

‫My father

‫He's not even worth the oxygen

‫I'm a good man

‫I have to be a good man

‫Or else what am I

‫Thanks

‫Never thought I'd be the kind of ‫woman who checks up on her husband

‫I'm going back to work

‫I've e-mailed my old chambers already ‫We agreed a year

‫We agreed a lot

‫I can't do this right now

‫Mum's shagging someone my age

‫She brought him to ‫dinner to meet us

‫Like it was a

‫A thing What's he like A liar

‫Probably a criminal ‫And you got all that from the one meeting

‫He is half her age

‫Yeah well it would have been ‫hard for her telling you all

‫For her Are you serious

‫Would yous prefer it if she ‫stayed miserable then would you

‫She's a woman in her own right ‫She is not just your mother

‫Unless you're jealous of him

‫You're really on her side

‫Like really

‫It doesn't matter to you ‫that I'm your husband

‫That you're going ‫to be loyal to me

‫Do you know who you sound like

‫Your father

‫Fuck

‫It will be ok

‫All right it won't be ok

‫but your mother is old enough ‫to make her own mistakes

‫We just have to be there ‫to pick up the pieces

‫That's cheered me up

‫Well lucky for you ‫you miserable sod

‫whatever happens ‫whichever way it cuts

‫you've always got us

‫We just thought our own place ‫in London might be nice

‫Your glass is empty my love

‫Which is entirely unacceptable

‫Keeping me pickled to ‫get me down the aisle

‫aren't you mr Greene Busted

‫Patrick would you mind ‫grabbing us another bottle

‫They're just in the ‫garage I think

‫Well ‫we can't be low in champagne

‫not with everything ‫we have to celebrate

‫Thanks mate

‫Mum I'm sorry ‫but he's not a good man

‫There are so many things ‫I will say this one last time Patrick

‫Do not make me choose

‫Uncle Leo isn't it amazing ‫It's a wedding

‫Go and help auntie della Go on

‫Go on

‫Oi Are you really going to ‫behave like this all day

‫Mate you promised ‫You said you'd stop it

‫There's still time

‫Marriage is forever

‫When you're given ‫the right person

‫it's unbreakable

‫It's being able to say ‫what's mine is yours

‫And what's yours is mine

‫It's the feeling that I ‫have in my chest right now

‫A feeling that I am ‫going to burst with pride

‫when I say the words ‫ "ladies and gentlemen"

‫"please raise your ‫glasses to my wife"

‫ "This is Julia"

‫ "Greene"

‫Your home is incredible

‫You must be Benjamin

‫I'm guessing you're Ted

‫I didn't realise that ‫getting the divorce through

‫would affect you so much

‫You ok

‫What are you doing here ‫Go home della

‫If he's hiding something ‫we'll find out and fast

‫My hotel Come on Surely

‫And I'm paying I suppose

‫Tell mum about Benjamin

‫We do this ‫she'll never trust us again

‫I told you that I am working on ‫it all right

‫Mum can really pick 'em