Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Too often in this world,

animal crimes fall through the cracks.

Luckily for all of us, there is a man astride a white horse

of scorching hot pet law.

The crimes are real, the justice is real-er.

It'sGary Busey Pet Judge.

Pet justice.

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: He says this pet psychic is a fraud.

She says her pet clairvoyance is completely genuine.

Judge Gary will transubstantiate a verdict.

All rise.

The honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

JUDGE GARY: It feels good, doesn't it?

At least to me, it does. You may be seated.

Thank you for rising.

It's like good bread on Sunday, it rises.

Okay, I'd like to hear from the plaintiff.

Hi. Uh, my...

My hamster died, that's how this story starts,

which is a total bummer.

Uh, but after my hamster...

My hamster's name is Princess Bubblegum.

Um... and I love him.

And my hamster died.

And then, after, I wanted to speak to him,

and I reached out to a pet psychic.

And, uh, the pet psychic told me

that my hamster was telling me to invest a lot of my money...

-Oh. -...into specific things

that I've never heard of.

And, uh, that's, that's why I'm here.

The investments, they eventually turned bad.

-Yeah. -RANDY: Yeah.

Well, I can see why that happened.

How much money did you lose in these investments?

Uh... $17,000.

-Damn! -RANDY: Yeah.

-$17,000. -What?

-That's five digits. That's a lot of money. -MIKE: That's crazy.

It's a lot... It's a lot for me especially.

Are you a scam artist?

No, sir, I'm a psychic, a pet psychic.

Tell me about you.

Well, I... I've always had this gift.

And the more I practice it,

the more I receive messages from animals

from beyond the grave.

How can you tell the dead animals apart

from other dead animals?

Or do the hamsters give you something that you know

what he's talking about is true to him?

Well, pets have names,

so generally, I focus on their name

and call them by their name, and they come to me.

They want to be heard, and I'm here to hear them,

and let people on the corporeal plane

hear what they have to say.

It's not every day that a pet tells me

that we should invest in self-propelled

reverse osmosis water filtration systems

to prepare for the Armageddon.

She can't even say it. [STAMMERS] She's a liar.

I'm not a scientist, I'm a pet psychic!

-You're a liar. -Hey!

[WHISPERING] Quiet. Quiet in the court.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay? Quiet in the court. Be nice.

You have a dead pet you want to talk to?

Uh, maybe.

Maybe in a minute.

I'm right now dealing with the present moment.

-Right. -Okay.

I'm real, Your Honor. I'm a real pet psychic.

What's your real pet place?

What's my real pet place?

You said a real pet place.

I'm a real pet psychic.

I really can hear what pets are telling me from beyond

-the grave, sir. -When I was a teenager,

the drive-in movie was a great pet place.

Oh!

-You get it? -SHULIE: Yes, sir. I prefer a bedroom.

Good one.

Okay, Randy, I want you to tell me

about your relationship with your hamster, please.

Uh... I mean, I told you I loved my hamster.

We did everything together.

Um, we lived a very parallel lifestyle.

-I knew that. -Um...

-Quiet. Quiet! -RANDY: 'Cause I told you that.

You asked me questions about...

-Thank you. Thank you. -Sorry.

But, you know, my hamster and I, we ate the same foods.

We ate Quiznos together a lot.

And we loved that.

We would get two extra-large sandwiches.

And, uh, looking back,

it was maybe what led to his weight problem,

and he did have a heart attack.

-What? -Nothing.

Heart attack.

-Hamster had a heart attack? -My hamster died of a heart attack.

Did you used to go jogging with your hamster

-or did you just run him on the wheel? -No. No, we...

Well, he didn't.

It was up to him, and he chose not to exercise.

He was taking after you. He didn't want to shame you.

See, you don't even know me,

and it's funny that you're talking to me like...

Okay. We have personal feelings coming to surface now.

-For sure. -Yours and yours.

The personal feelings have nothing to do with the death of the hamster.

-Nothing to do with it. -Yeah.

She's saying I'm fat is what she's saying.

-No, I'm saying you're lazy. -JUDGE GARY: She said you're fat?

She just said that.

She says I'm lazy.

-He's lazy, sir. -RANDY: Yeah.

Well, guess what rhymes with lazy, crazy.

You're crazy.

You know what fat stands for? F-A-T?

-Can't wait. -Feeling Another Taco.

-Oh. -Feeling Another Taco.

You eat tacos,

you might just as well be taping the taco on your body.

-So, you're anti-tacos? -"I eat a lot of tacos."

-What? -You don't like tacos?

-No, I'm just saying what fat means. -Oh.

-Definition of fat. -Okay.

[STAMMERS] I myself love a cold cut sammy.

-Yeah. -JUDGE GARY: But for future reference,

hamsters eat mainly grass, pellets and fruit.

-Yeah. -They don't eat that other stuff.

-RANDY: Sandwiches. -That's not natural,

indigenous to their digestive system.

-Quiznos. -Bread is from a pellet.

It's...

-Shulie. -Yes, sir.

JUDGE GARY: I ask you,

when did you find out, when did you know that you had psychic powers

-concerning small animals? -SHULIE: Well...

As a girl, my brother had a pet snake.

-Okay. -And the pet snake told me that

as a snake, he had a lisp, and he was embarrassed of hiss

-in front of the other snakes. -Hmm.

Is it the snake's embarrassment or your embarrassment?

No, sir. I just read what I hear.

-I don't place judgement on an animal. -Oh, I see. Okay.

They're their own beings.

Well, in that case, I insist that you contact Red.

My dog Red, I grew up with him, he grew up with me.

Sir, that's not how it works.

-They come to me. -What?

The animals come to me.

It's very difficult for me to call out...

Well, I want you to open your mind, your heart and your psychic vision

to my pet dog named Red.

Please now. Please.

Okay. Um, I just...

I need a moment to, um...

-Go ahead. -...contact.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I think I hear it.

[HOWLING]

[IN DIFFERENT VOICE] Hi, Gary, it's Red.

Did you have a question for me?

[SCOFFS]

You have to ask him a question now, Your Honor.

Red, how did you die?

Well, I died when I ran away

and ate what I thought was a brisket,

but instead I think it was something

made of what people call Nerf.

-Red. -Yes, Gary.

Red, are you happy now?

I'm happy now.

-JUDGE GARY: That's what counts. -Thank you, Gary.

God bless you, Red. I'll see you in another lifetime.

But you're doing great, and I'm glad to hear you.

-So, that's... -Extraordinary is what it is.

That's the same voice that she used for my hamster, by the way.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What? I was using a voice?

They don't... They never... Well, all right.

Quiet.

Why do you think he ran away and got hit by a truck?

-Was it something I did? -SHULIE: Oh. Let me...

[HOWLING]

[IN DIFFERENT VOICE] Did you have a question, Gary?

You wanted to know how I got hit by a truck?

Well, it wasn't your fault, Gary.

Even though I saw what you did to yourself

in your bedroom after school,

I didn't run away to get hit by a truck

'cause I loved you.

Okay, that's good enough for me.

Was it the car or the brisket?

Hey, shut up.

-I thought we were friends. -JUDGE GARY: Mike...

Mike, you're like a son to me.

-You're like a great granddad to me. -I wanted to tell you

that I adore you, I'm glad you're here.

You really help me in every way.

-Thank you. -Sometimes I get harsh and bark,

but the bark is with no teeth.

-Wow! -So, there's no way my bark can hurt you.

Wow!

It's like a dog barking without any teeth.

Here's what it sounds like... [GRUNTS]

Wow.

Their lip flaps like...

You know, like a teenage fart.

Ask him one more thing for me.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, sir, I'm sorry.

-He's gone. -Can't get him back?

-Not right now. -[WHISTLES] Red. Come on, Red.

Come on. [HIGH-PITCHED CALLING]

Come on, Red.

He's simply not coming, sir. I'm sorry.

Now, that is a pretty amazing thing.

-I must commend you for that. -Thank you.

-It's a true gift. I'm honored. -JUDGE GARY: It's an honor to have you speak.

Amazingly bad,

Red died in a hunting accident.

Wow!

And I'd never scar old Red

by having my way with myself in front of him.

-Impostor. -That is a big sin.

-And the word sin, S-I-N... -Oh.

...stands for Self-Imposed Nonsense.

Pa-pow!

JUDGE GARY: That's what a sin is.

I find for the plaintiff.

Dead pet justice.

[EXCLAIMING]

That's my signature spiritual punctuation notification

on a feeling certified from the angels.

-I get my money back? -What?

-I get my money back? -You won.

No, you don't get your money back.

[STAMMERS] I'm confused.

JUDGE GARY: You see, the money is no issue here.

-Oh. -The money's not an issue.

She's just in trouble?

-JUDGE GARY: No, money's not an issue. -RANDY: Oh.

Oh, well, you... You lose, whatever that means.

I think you should two go down... This is an order.

You guys go down to a hamster, gerbil store

and get two hamsters and one gerbil

and get a big cage for them,

and put them all three in that same cage.

Feed them properly,

and let them be happy and multiply.

-Are they, like, ours? -That will make you happy,

and you'll be the grandparents

of little hamsters and little gerbils.

It'll be fun. You'll be reproducing.

-Is this official?-In a way, and that will qualify

as spiritual, or physical, or emotional,

or a mental connection.

-You'll be free. -Okay.

So, go with my applause,

be free of the world you're in,

and go to the hamster, gerbil store and get that.

-That's what we have to do? -That will start

a new feeling between you two

that you haven't been able to find yet.

Okay, pet justice.

Ho! Hi-yah!

Now, you may go... You may go to the hamster store.

-Let's go to the hamster store. -Be nice with each other.

You can drive. I'm not helping pay for gas.

Don't say what you're not going to do

until you don't do it.

Wise words.

JUDGE GARY: Yeah!

Ah, okay. Hi.

Um...

So, how do you feel about the case?

Uh, I think ultimately, I got sort of what I wanted.

Uh, he said that she was a fraud,

and that's what I was here to prove.

I also wanted some of my money back,

but I don't know really how the court system works.

That's the great part about Gary Busey,

he does know how the court system works.

Mmm. Uh, yeah.

Yeah. [CHUCKLING]

Okay. So, how do you think you'll move forward in life?

How will you ever go on?

Gary, well...

Individually, however I want. None of your business.

And, uh, he also...

He told me to buy two hamsters and one gerbil

with the pet psychic and to share them,

so we did...

We did agree to do that.

Did you ask the pet psychic if that was actually gonna happen

'cause they would know, right?

She would know if...

Well, she's a fraud. We proved that.

But she would know if a pet was thinking that,

she wouldn't know if that was gonna happen.

So, she would know if a pet was thinking

you guys were gonna buy the pet?

I don't know.

That's why she's the pet psychic. I get it.

Thank you very much for your time.

Hi. Welcome.

Okay, you... Okay, hi.

How was your case?

Um, it was good.

I don't need to return the money

that the hamster insisted Randy invest so I'm happy.

But I'm not a fraud. I'm a real pet psychic.

Okay. Can you tell me what I'm thinking?

Can I be your pet and then, you tell...

Okay. Um...

So, how long have you known that you're a pet psychic?

Since I was a little girl.

I heard my brother's snake talking.

What if it was your brother's snake that was the psychic

and that's how they were talking to you?

Well, I mean, we, sort of, talked to each other.

He didn't seem to know more about me

than I was saying.

He did, you know, give me some advice about school and stuff.

Okay. What are you gonna do from here?

Well, the judge ruled that I have to go buy some pets with Randy so...

There's one thing that we can agree on

-it's that the judge rules, right? -Yeah.

So, okay, thanks for coming to the, uh, Pet Court.

Um, I'm Ian Abramson,

and this is Gary Busey's Pet Court.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: She says their pet goat belongs to her.

He says he's the actual caregiver and rightful owner.

Judge Gary will pass a verdict that can't be bleat.

All rise.

The honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

I like the way the people in the court are dressed.

You can go anywhere you want on my dime.

I'll give you a credit card, you go to Denny's.

Anyway, thank you for coming.

Be seated.

Denny's.

Okay, get up again.

I love to see you get up. Get up.

Not this. Not this again.

You feel little gases rumbling in your lower plumbing?

Well, you will next time. Have a seat.

Okay, plaintiff.

What is your story, honey?

Mark and I are no longer together,

and I need custody of our goat.

He's my goat.

-You? -She paid for the goat,

but I, in fact, am the one that raised the goat,

I took care of the goat.

She wasn't even home to take care of the goat at all.

I... I worked on my novel with this goat, Your Honor.

Well, that's good news, but paying for the goat makes the goat hers.

Yes, she paid for the goat, but she...

She doesn't even know what kind of food the goat eats.

It's my cold hard cash that I paid for for this goat.

-This goat is mine -It's your cold hard...

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

-You will not argue with her. -I'm sorry, sir.

You'll feel the wrath of a double-bladed paddle

on your naked ass.

Whoo!

-JUDGE GARY: And I'm not kidding. -Yes, sir.

Good.

She did pay for the animal.

Hard cash is 90% of the law.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Your Honor, I love this goat.

We finish each other's thoughts.

We know... We know each other backwards and forwards.

She doesn't even... She won't even allow the goat

to come and sit up on top of the couch.

Don't say that. No, I love this goat.

-I lift the goat on my lap when we watch... -JUDGE GARY: Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!

Stop raising your voice.

Raising and raising your voice at each other over the goat.

The goat is a simple, innocent victim of a human tragedy.

-Yes, Your Honor. -The goat is in a human tragedy

created by both of you.

-Yes. -You've gotta think about

how the goat feels about things.

How the goat feels about where he lays down,

where he eats, where he relieves himself.

Where he lays down, the bed, the couch, the kitchen, the bathtub.

Where does the goat like to live?

Driveway.

Goat on the driveway.

[BURPS] Excuse me.

Yeah.

Okay. What is a, um...

What's the name of the goat?

Vincent Van Goat.

I named him Vincent Van Goat.

[CHUCKLES]

I love that name. Vincent Van Goat.

-Yeah? -Is he missing an ear?

No. He was very well taken care of.

He has both of his ears.

How does the goat act towards you?

With affection, Your Honor.

In what way? What kind of affection?

Familiar affection,

as two best friends would act towards one another.

Are you still best friends?

The goat and I?

No, you...

-The two of us? No, sir. No. -No.

-Oh, you're not. -Vincent Van Goat is my goat,

and he loves me.

Oh.

Well, that's a blow to the side-wax.

If it were true, it would be, Your Honor.

What makes it not true, sir?

[STUTTERS] I can't emphasize enough, Your Honor,

for the court, she doesn't know anything about this goat.

She spends no time with this goat.

She... I don't have a job. She works all the time

so she is the one that winds up

not ever getting to see the goat.

I spend... I'm a stay-at-home parent

-for this goat. -Quiet.

Tell me about your relationship and where it went wrong.

MEIYEE: Uh, we moved in together.

I found a great deal on an apartment, a duplex.

And we do things that, uh...

that couples that don't get along do,

and we decided to have a kid,

meaning Vincent Van Goat.

You mean the goat is your child?

Basically, yes.

But you didn't give birth to him.

No, but I paid for him hence he his mine.

Well, you pay for babies [STUTTERS] on Third Street,

and it's not really yours.

Money has nothing to do with the loving, heartfelt contact

and content you have for something in your life now.

Something. A goat in this case.

-MIKE: Want me to get the goat? -JUDGE GARY: We need the goat.

Come... Get the goat and bring it up to the table.

Let's see this Mr. Goat.

Come here, goat. [TRILLS]

Goat. Goaty, goaty, goaty.

I talk goat.

[JUDGE GARY BLEATS]

Oh, you're so cute.

What a lovely goat!

I think we're good to goat.

Good to goat. Okay.

Goat, you have very damn weird eyes, goat.

But I think that comes with

every goat's skull penetration of the eye sockets

that cause the vision of the goat to go through you.

His vision can probably smell your feet and your underwear.

But that's not for me to say.

Goat, who do you want to live with?

Vincent?

Who do you want to live with?

He's looking at me.

Goat, look at me.

I'm penetrating your heart with my eyes.

You can feel my eyes coming into your goat heart.

Feel that.

Feel that. Feel that stare.

It will not let you go, goat.

-MIKE: Your Honor. -Yeah?

Did you get a read from the goat?

I did get a read from the goat.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to invoke the justice of Solomon.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -MEIYEE: What are you doing?

-Your Honor, no, no! -No! No, no, no!

-No. -She can have him. She can have Vincent.

She can have what?

She can have Vincent Van Goat, Your Honor.

-Please don't cut him. -No, don't...

Stop it!

Stop yelling your feelings which no one cares about anymore.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, but please...

I cannot implore you enough. Please don't kill...

-Please do not hurt him. -He just said he's willing to let...

The court has no choice.

The justice cutter must taste flesh.

-No. I... -No, no, no, sir. Please.

-Please do not. -Sir, no, don't.

That way, you get the half of the goat you want,

and you get the half of the goat you want.

Your Honor, you cannot do that. He can have the goat.

-This is a family member. -Hey, hey, shut up!

Shut up!

Now, you speak and you don't. Go ahead.

If you're going to hurt him, he can have the goat.

I don't need him that much.

Well, we'll use Lidocaine and Novocain on the goat's body.

-No pain. -So, the goat will not feel...

-I ask you, please... -Please stop doing that, sir.

...the saw coming through.

You understand that? The goat will not feel the pain of his death.

I do not understand that.

I think he will feel pain.

I'm feeling pain. I would just...

It's fine. I don't need him.

Mark can have the goat. It's... It's fine.

Please don't hurt him.

Sometimes you just have to threaten to take something away

that's precious

so they realize, both of them, what's important.

That's why I am the GOAT.

Greatest Of All Time.

Greatest Of All Time.

[JUDGE GARY GRUNTS]

I find for the defendant victory.

Pet justice. [SCREECHES]

-Okay. -Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE GARY: Court is adjourned. Go home with your goat.

And make sure you have visiting rights,

or I will come in and make custody

for either one of you, or the other one, or none at all.

And that's why the goat can live with me.

I have a huge yard. I live in Texas on a ranch,

and you can come see the goat any time.

And play chase...

Chase the... Chase the ball with the goat.

That's what... That's a goat's favorite game.

So, there you go. I'm taking the goat

even though I ruled for you.

The ruling is only transparent.

Because I know what the goat loves.

And I love the goat

better than you two can love the goat put together.

You're not thinking about the goat, you're thinking about you.

Stop laughing or I'll plug your butt with a tomato.

Tomato butt plug creates all kinds of great sandwiches

you can eat without ever knowing what they are.

Okay.

Justice for the goat.

Pet justice for the goat.

[GRUNTING]

Okay.

I'll plug your butts

-with a tomato. -With a tomato.

JUDGE GARY: There's nothing more for you to say or ask for.

Put the goat in my van.

Don't feel bad about where the goat is going.

The good part is you're not going where the goat is going.

Isn't that fun?

-No, Your Honor. -Just like teenagers dating.

They come and they go.

So have fun with your goat none.Dismissed.

Yeah. Go out through the door there.

Follow the beautiful woman.

MARK: Well, now, does that mean...

JUDGE GARY: Yeah!

Oh, uh, hi.

You guys, uh, just won a court case, right?

No.

No. Neither of... We don't...

We don't know. Nobody...

He took the goat.

I guess he's taking it to Texas with him.

The good news is he's gonna be bigger there

because everything is.

So, I hope that you guys feel good.

-Yeah, okay. I'm okay. -Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, if you've...

Okay. Uh, if you've got a problem,

yo, he'll solve it.

Uh, go to Gary Busey, the pet judge, resolve it.

Can we go?

-What? -Okay, thanks.

Justice!

I still wanna know with a paw,

a [BLEATS] or a swish of the head,

which person do you want to live with, Vincent?

Goat, look at me.

MIKE: Did you get a read on the goat?

-[BLEATS] -[GAVEL THUDS]