Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: When pets get in trouble,

the fur flies.

Litigants and defendants know

that when it comes to pet justice,

there's only one man they can turn to.

He put the "kangaroo" in "kangaroo court".

It's the honorable Gary Busey, Pet Judge.

Pet justice!

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims his religious freedom to handle snakes

was violated.

She says that snakes have no place in hotel.

Judge Gary will see if his argument has fangs.

All rise,

the Honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

[GAVEL BANGS]

You may be seated. Thank you for standing.

It's an honorarium that we've been going through

since the beginning of court judges,

and plaintiffs, and defendants.

And that started before time began.

So, it's been a ritual

for much longer than you are old.

Okay.

I'll say it like this. Your Holiness, what happened here?

Well, about a year ago,

we started planning for an annual retreat.

We go an annual church retreat every year.

This year we decided we were gonna go to Florida

and see the Gulf Coast.

Everything was cool.

As we were checking in,

I want to be a man of integrity,

so I mention as a big box

of our faith vessels enter the room...

Our faith vessels?

Our faith vessels, which are our snakes.

We brought them in.

I mentioned them quietly to the clerk there...

Are the snakes alive or dead?

Well, the snakes are alive. We don't use dead snakes.

I didn't know that, no. I'm not familiar with it.

Always use the live snakes in your worship.

But anyway, back to what I was talking about,

we brought our snakes in...

She hit the ceiling.

She said she was not gonna let our snakes in her motel room.

Are these snakes poisonous?

Yes, they are poisonous. That is very Biblical,

have poisonous snakes.

Well, the Bible was written a long time ago.

Do you still manifest what the Bible says

about the snakes to be honorable today?

Yes, I do.

The Bible may have been written long ago,

but it's still applicable to today.

As I'm sure you've read,

in Mark 16, it says, if you follow the Lord,

you can pick up poisonous snakes

and they will not harm you.

Have you ever tried to do it with a boa constrictor?

You know what they do? They squeeze you to death!

Well, they're not poisonous. They just squeeze you to death.

But when they squeeze you to death, they're...

they're exhibiting a poison they have in their power.

Yes, Your Honor, that's true. But if you follow the Lord,

they cannot squeeze you to death.

They may squeeze you out of affection and hug you,

but they will not squeeze you to death.

If you stop breathing and throw up

and poop at the same time,

you're getting cleaned out by the snake.

You are getting cleansed by the snake.

I agree with you, Your Honor,

it seems that you have studied the scripture very regularly.

I have, and also, I know a lot about snakes.

-I grew up in Texas and Oklahoma. -Oh.

And that's where snakes are, uh...

The worst snake you can be around is a teenage rattler,

'cause teenage rattlesnakes

have more venom in 'em than a big guy,

-a big snake, you see? -Yeah.

But snakes in a motel...

Man. Okay, Katie,

what is the harm of having snakes in a box?

All right, first off, Your Honor,

I just want to clarify, I did not hit the ceiling.

I'm well known for having kind customer service.

I was put in a position where I had to weigh

my county-renowned customer service

with the fact that I didn't wanta bunch of poisonous snakes

roaming around my hotel room.

You mean, the snakes just...

When they get in the motel room,

you take 'em out of the boxand let them go where they will?

It was just a cardboard box.

It's not a cage...

But they take them out of the box

and let the snakes roam around the room.

Yes. They said it was part of their religion,

and I'm all for religious freedom,

but that's too far.

Your Honor, let me say that there was no sign

that said, "No dogs allowed,"

there was no sign that said, "No cats allowed,"

and there was no sign that said,"No snakes allowed."

We should be afforded the same rights as a dog owner

if we want to bring our snakes in

as a dog owner brings their dog.

Well, he's got a great point there.

And the sign that says, "No snakes allowed,"

that keeps them out.

No dogs allowed, no locusts allowed,

no munchkins allowed, none.

Whatever you don't want in there, in your hotel,

put the sign up that says what's not allowed.

I understand, Your Honor, but I just want to point out

that he never until arriving at the hotel,

said that he was gonna be bringing snakes with him.

And all those other pet owners stated ahead of time

-before reserving their room. -So this was a surprise.

It was a surprise. And there was over 30 snakes in that box.

It was a lot of snakes.

-Surprise! -Sorry, that scared...

-How does that feel? -Not great.

We have one snake

for every one of our congregants.

And we are suing her for refund of our monies

because the housekeeping staff refused to go in our rooms,

and clean our rooms

because they were afraid of a little old snake.

-They're afraid... -JUDGE GARY: Yeah.

Little old snakes can be bad old snakes

if they bite you properly and they're poisonous.

Well, if you're following the Lord like it says,

poisonous snakes will not harm you.

Well, poisonous snakes will kill ya.

They may not harm you, but they're gonna kill you.

Your Honor, my whole...

[SHOUTING] There are some snakes on this planet

that could bit you,and it's called the two-stepper.

After you're bitten, you take two steps,

you fall down dead.

That's the purpose in that.

Two-steppin' snakes are...

It's not like a dance.

Well, it could be called a dance of death.

My housekeeping staff was afraid to go on the third floor.

The snakes are poisonous. I just want to point that out.

JUDGE GARY: Uh-huh.

Is there any way to muzzle the snakes

that are poisonous, so the poison doesn't get out?

Well, I guess we could put a muzzle on them.

But during our worship,

it's important not to have them muzzled.

Because that shows that you're close to the Lord

because the poisonous snakes do not harm you,

and I would imagine that would mean kill you, too,

if you're interpreting the scripture properly.

Goodness gracious, that... [STAMMERS]

I have to interrupt here,

that is a lot of boots and venom.

A better picture I see is more boots than venom.

The venom will stop you from wearing your boots

'cause you'd be dead.

You don't wear boots in heaven or hell.

That's disputable.

That's disputable?

I think everything I say todayis gonna be disputable with you.

But I don't mind it,

'cause I can see right through you, buddy.

You're like a piece of swiss cheese.

You got holes in yourself I can look right through to the other side.

And what I see on the other side

are snakes that used to walk...

until that one snake gave Eve the apple

from the tree of life, not the tree of knowledge.

-Uh, I agree... -They don't walk anymore.

They're slithering on the ground.

They are slithering on the ground, but that's...

You're getting a little off the point here.

The point is, she has been cruel to my snakes,

she has been discriminatory against us

for not allowing us to have snakes in our room

when she allows to have other animals in the room,

like a dog, or a cat.

Dogs and cats aren't poisonous, sir.

They're a lot more messy, Your Honor.

The mess doesn't kill you, the venom does.

Well, if you stay out of their way,

they're not gonna have a problem.

Well, how do you stay out of a snake's way

that goes where it wants to when it wants to, and nobody can stop it?

We just ask him to go back to his cage.

It's very simple, you just say,

"Mr. Snake, will you please go back to your cage

"and sit where you were..."

-Are they trained that way? -I'm sorry?

Are there snakes trained that you can go to and say,

"Mr. Snake, return to your cage now

-"or begone." -Yes, they are trained snakes.

We wouldn't have a snake that was not trained.

I mean, we have to handle these things, you know?

Plus, if you wanna really get the snake back to the cage,

you just play a little flute.

Your Honor, he is asking a lot of our hotel guests,

to abide by these rules.

Not everybody just carries a flute around with them.

I don't think I'd stay in the motel room where next door,

there was a rattlesnake, an anaconda,

and a two-stepper.

Perhaps you should have clarified that

before you allowed us to make that reservation.

Perhaps you should put it on your website.

-I did let you stay. -Put a snake on the website?

She allowed us to have them in the rooms,

but they did not clean the rooms.

I understand that the housekeepers

didn't want to be in the same room with the snakes.

Did any of your housekeepers, employees, or staff members get bitten?

Well, no one was specifically bitten

because they requested

to not have to clean those rooms,

and I honored that request

as on account of the poisonous snakes roaming around.

Have you thought about changing the name of your hotel

to The Snake Hotel?

Uh, absolutely not.

-Snake Inn? -No.

"Snake Inn"?

Snakes don't have to leave the light on for you.

I have not thought about that.

I will consider it if you think I should.

Well, that's up to you.

If you want to have snakes in your hotel rooms,

with normal people, abnormal people,

athletes, or scholars...

you gotta think about what the people want.

Well, there were a lot of complaints after the third night,

so I made a compromise.

I'm a reasonable person, I'm very reasonable.

So, we made a compromise, and I said,

we put the snakes

in an emptied-out hot tub that we had...

No water in it, not gonna boil 'em,

but it had a cover.

So the snakes could go in there

and they would stop popping up at people's hotel rooms.

Yeah, that's a good point.

That's a good point.

That is animal cruelty,

which I'm also suing for.

She put our snakes in the dilapidated,

run-down hot tub

with a lid on it overnight.

The snakes would love that.

They love being in the dark in hot water.

No, they had no water in it.

Every snake I know loves hot water in a bath.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah.

It's like a snake den.

Like, they do that on their own in the wild.

Oh, boy.

What about The Snake Tail Six?

Oh, I like that.

-What? -Snake Tail Six,

for a title for her new hotel.

-Snake Tail Six? -Yeah.

Yeah, isn't that good title for her motel, her new one?

Your Honor, I feel like we're treading on water

that's gonna make my hotel a snake-specific hotel,

-which is not... I don't want that. -Yeah, it will.

Okay, you made your mind up.

-It's your question... -You made your mind up.

It's very clear to myself,

Mike, and the...

people witnessing the trial.

Now then,

is it Mongeese or Mongooses?

Oh, you're referring to...

Can I just explain real quick?

-Yeah. -Okay.

So, after they left, a couple of the snakes

were still remaining in the hotel.

They didn't round them all up,

because they are given religious freedom as snakes.

And so I had to hire and exterminator,

Victor, off craigslist,

to buy a bunch of mongooses

to round up all those snakes.

And I had to pay for that out of my pocket.

-Your Honor, I want... -And it's "mongooses."

Wait a minute, she's talking. Go ahead.

Mongooses is the pluralization.

-That was your question. -Yeah.

You get made whole of the mongoose deal.

And Saint Snaky Fingers here... [WHISTLES]

gets his money back for the stay. Okay?

And this is what I call...

pet justice!

You're both right, you're both wrong,

and that's what makes the world go 'round.

Round your butts outta here.

So you actually get out of here and go fart in some soup.

I don't care.

I just know I want you to be happy,

no matter what it takes.

-Thank you. -Thank you, Your Honor.

Sometimes, it's good to take corn chowder

and pour it on your genitalia.

[MAN LAUGHS]

Does that apply to men and women?

-Yeah. -Okay.

It applies to men and women, snakes,

dogs, cats, mongooses, mongeeses, mongoose.

Snakes in motels? No!

Snakes need to find their own place.

Corn chowder on your genital.

Okay, the trial is over.

You both win. Pet justice.

MIKE: Thank you.

You may leave now.

Okay.

Keep going. Mjolnir is right outside, waiting to take you home.

[WHISTLES] Go on!

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Uh, hello. You're the snake lady, right?

Uh, I'm not the snake lady.

There are snakes in my hotel.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, do you think

that snakes are like angry worms?

I suppose you could say that.

They're like large venomous worms.

Large venomous worms.

And were you happy with the way your worms turned out?

Uh, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what our ruling was.

At the end, Judge Busey said that we both won,

and then he also said that we both lost.

And then he said something about pouring corn chowder on our genitals.

-So... -That sounds like a win to me.

Well, he did say we both win.

I'm just not sure what we won.

It sounds like you won some corn chowder.

Is that here in the courtroom?

You'd have to tell me. I've never had it.

Oh, I just thought you were official,

'cause your mic has, like, official logo on it.

I'm official, yeah. I work for the court,

and I like animals a lot. What's your favorite?

I like my hotel. I work...

A hotel's not an animal. I'm an expert.

Oh, my favorite animal?

Yeah, not your favorite hotel.

This isn't Hotel Court with Gary Busey. I wish.

I'm sorry. I just thought you meant favorite in general.

Like, things in life.

Oh, no. Favorite animal.

Uh, probably my pet gerbil.

Oh, okay. That's good.

Wow, that... Okay.

-Did you have it in the hotel? -Oh, no.

I keep all animals out of the hotel except some dogs.

But weren't there snakes in the hotel?

-Uh, yes, but... -So you didn't do your job.

Well, we allowed them in,

but we're no longer gonna allow the snakes in the hotel.

Okay, so, can your gerbil go in now?

No.

Wow. You guys got some confusing rules at the hotel.

I wish you worked here, where things make sense.

You want me to bring my rules here?

No, no, no, no. I don't think you could work here, I'm afraid,

but thank you for interviewing.

You're welcome.

I just want you to know I'm real well-known for my hospitality.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Yeah, it doesn't seem like it.

Okay. I... I'm...

Ian Abramson with Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Hi. Wow, how do you feel about how the verdict was reached?

Well, I think it's a sad day in America

when Jezebel and her demons

can kill the faith vessels.

I don't think I've seen that TV show.

How do you feel about this one?

I'm just kinda fit to be tied over it, to tell you the truth.

I mean, it's just total discrimination

and nobody gives a thing

to thought about what we want,

and about what religious freedomis in America.

You understand what I'm saying?

Honestly, no.

But I do...

Do you want me to explain it to you some more?

Honestly, no. But...

Okay, well, I will.

See, in America, you have religious freedom.

If you read the scripture and you can understand it,

that is what you should do.

Hi, I'm Ian Abramson,

and this was Gary Busey's Pet Court.

I'm telling you, we have discrimination in America.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims he was sold the wrong animals.

Hmm.

ANNOUNCER: But he says, if he had known they were going to be killed,

he wouldn't have sent them in the first place.

Judge Gary will decide.

All rise.

The Honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Thank you. You may be seated.

[COUGHS HOARSELY]

So Mark says he was sold bogus animals.

Can you describe that?

I asked for coatimundi,

and he sent me meer rats or meer cats.

-Cats, cats. -JUDGE GARY: Meerkats?

Yeah.

And they're disgusting.

Animal breeder, Bennett, right here,

are you okay, buddy, with your neck?

Yes, I have a medical condition.

-A medical condition. I can see that. -Yes.

And your scooter's working okay for you?

-Yes. -That's good.

-Good for you. -It's good.

Okay.

Why did you sell Mark meerkats?

The bite of the coatimundi is very septic, Your Honor.

They carry a form of toxoplasma gondii.

They're related to raccoons, and, uh,

this is responsible for my medical condition,

is being bitten by the coatimundis too many times,

and I can't raise them anymore,

and I certainly don't see

why he would want to expose himself to that, either

when meerkats are equally as beautiful.

And that's your reason.

-Yes. -Okay, thank you.

We have Kleenex?

What do you do for a living, sir?

I'm a fur bag designer.

I use exotic animal skins,

and I only do high end.

-You do? -Yes. Only the best.

Only the best.

But I would not have sold him the skin, Your Honor,

if I knew he was going to kill them,

-especially my stud kats. -He knew it.

They were my stud meerkats.

-They were disgusting. -My assistant...

They were accidentally sent to him,

and he killed them.

-I asked for coatimundi... -He killed them.

...not rats. You gave me rats.

Okay.

Gentlemen, you will not argue among yourselves.

That's why I'm here.

To cause a balance of measurement

of your emotional stamina

and your truth serum that you own in your body.

Okay? Let's be truthful.

Forward.

Let's be truthful.

[CLEARS THROAT HOARSELY]

No, no, look forward.

Yeah, and you stay back there. We'll dance later.

What do you think about the outfit the plaintiff is wearing?

Well, it doesn't look like fur.

These are evil eyes.

I want justice today.

I wore this to get justice.

You think that coat's gonna bring you justice?

With your help, I think it will.

Okay, good thinking.

We need some shades-ah.

Let me see the pelts.

Can you show me the pelts in court, please?

-Ugh. -BENNETT: They're beautiful.

Yeah, put 'em up here.

These are rats.

These are like, rats with alopecia.

-BENNETT: Those are spectacular.-It's horrible. Disgusting.

-Beautiful examples. Beautiful. -No, they're not.

They make you look good.

This is the face of the animal,

the body of the animal and the tail of the animal.

Oh, it's fur. So sweet.

[GASPS]

It doesn't even look real. What is this?

Is this a kitty cat?

Are these kitty kats?

Meerkats, meerkats.

Oh, that's not a kitty cat.

-It's a sub-Saharan... -Oh, yeah.

Meerkats.

...marsupial.

They're not marsupial. Meerkats are not marsupial.

They probably are.

No, you need to shut up.

But you killed them, and now I can't have them back.

-My stud kats. -Oh, he killed them?

He killed them.

-They were my stud kats. -You killed these guys?

-I didn't kill them. -Yeah, those were my studs.

What was your purpose of killing the animal?

I preserve the beauty. I love animal,

that's why I kept the beauty.

But why did you kill them if you love them?

I can carry them around,

die young and stay pretty, I guess.

You carry them around dead?

-Dead is beautiful. -You carry them around alive.

Alive? No, they poop.

-They poop? -Yeah.

Welcome to Earth, buddy.

You want one? No, I give a better one.

-We all poop. -Those are inferior.

It's part of our gender.

-What? -[BURPS]

I had to burp because I just said something I liked.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Uh, Bennett.

Coat of Many Colors?

Coatimundi?

A coatimundi is an animal.

Coat of Many Colors is a musical.

-Yeah... -Like, for Dolly Parton, or...

Well, I...

Dolly Parton song, you know, Coat of Many Colors?

Yes.

He was making a coat. That's what he said.

-He wanted to make a coat. -No.

Dolly Parton doesn't need my fur.

Hey, hey, hey.

-I'm sorry... -He didn't say why.

[SHOUTING] Hey!Quit arguing amongst yourselves,

or you'll both lose.

And when you both lose, there's never a winner.

Winners do what losers don't want to.

Don't be a loser.

Your Highness, can I ask you a question?

-Huh? -I recently saw

a lion rug in your room.

I mean, through TV, of course.

Um, or maybe an Instagram that you posted.

What's the story about it?

Story about what?

About a lion rug in your bedroom.

He said on your Instagram page.

Oh, yeah, it's a picture of a lion.

-Yeah, you posted. -I love lions. I'm a Leo.

So I can be a lion if I want to.

[ROARS]

I love that.

Thank you for the clap.

Did you kill them? Did you kill the lion pelt,

the lion rug that I saw on TV?

-No, I didn't kill 'em. -You didn't kill them.

They came dead.

Oh, okay.

That makes a big difference

when they come dead. Okay, take these back.

I'm glad to hear everything...

BENNETT: Oh, don't. No.

...that you had to say about Meerkat Manor...

-BENNETT: Get 'em away. -...skinning animals...

Who are you gonna give them to? Who'd they come from?

-You want 'em... -Who'd they come from?

-They can have one each. -Give them to him.

No, give them both to him.

That's his little pillow covers he can sleep with.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've heard you both. Thank you for your candor,

and your honesty, and your truth.

The verdict is this.

I'm ruling in favor of the weirdo designer,

who gets his 5,800.

But from now on,

he can only workin natural fibers and Naugahyde.

Pet justice. Thank you.

We're adjourned.

You have a good dinner.

There we go, Bennett.

Steer right through the channel there,

and you'll be in his grace and prosper.

Slow down, please.

Pull.

Pull.

Pull.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Just like the justice system, you're rolling along.

How do you feel about the result of this case?

There was no pet justice served here today.

Uh, that's a little confusing

because there is a verdict.

Uh, and whether you like it or not, that's justice.

-That's your justice. -Thank you.

I really appreciate...

That's my favorite part of the job,

is actually getting to be part of this justice system.

What's he doing here?

What's this loser doing here?

Uh, he's just lost a case to you,

and we were discussing why that's a positive thing

for the justice system.

I didn't win the case.

I lost my career.

I can't really follow track the movement of that microphone.

It's out of my peripheral visionmost of the time.

Can you warn me if you're going to poke it at me again

and ask me one of your questions? Thank you.

I know what you mean.

Tell you what? Look. Look at this.

If I wanted squirrel, I could have shot it myself.

Take it back.

I hope it bite you every day.

Please. Wow. Oh, no.

That is convenient.

As convenient as your brand of pet justice

that you served up here today, sir?

Yeah, I think you're...

I agree... We agree a lot today.

I'm agreeing that Judge Gary Busey

serves it fast, convenient and just.

Good day, sir.

Thank you. I agree,

It's a great day here.

I'm Ian Abramson and this is Gary Busey's...

Pet Court.

Justice!

I bid you both adieu,

and I bid you both good luck in your upcoming events.

But I do decree this as an order.

Stay away from him,

you stay away from him.

Okay.

I don't understand a word he's saying.

Do you understand what he's saying?

Yeah, I understand. I can read between the lines.

This man is a walking carnival.

Well...

-That's a compliment. -I mean, look at that shirt.

-I could ride that shirt... -I think he likes that.

Anyway, pet justice.

Hey!