Original subtitles

Next to murder, pet cases

are the trickiest to try in a court of law.

Luckily, there's one man

who can smell animal fraud a mile away.

At least it's probably animal fraud.

And that man is Gary Busey, pet judge.

Pet justice.

Yeah.

He claims his turtle

is being discriminated against for being slow.

She says walking a turtle

would put her out of business.

Judge Gary will come to a speedy decision.

All rise.

The honorable judge

Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Thanks for being here.

Okay, we have

Annie and Hal.

GARY: Hal, let's start with you.

Yes, Your Honor.

I have a pet tortoise.

By the name of Mr. Shelly Berman.

And I would walk

my tortoise more often

but I work as a closed captioner

which is very long hours.

So, hired a dog walker

who refuses to walk my tortoise.

HAL: I don't see why.

The tortoise needs exercise

just like a dog does.

Yeah.

Is it... Have we found any other

places that has tortoise walkers?

-I haven't. -GARY: uh-huh.

I looked on Yelp.

Didn't find anything and then that's where I stopped.

Seems very...

Overshot.

What's your story?

Uh, Well...

I have walked

Mr. Shelly Berman,

and it takes about

four hours on a good day

to go around the block.

So...

That's pretty much all you need to know.

-Four hours to go around the block. -ANNIE: Yeah.

Yes, sir.

So, you actually have... Do you have a leash around his neck?

Uh... I tried a leash around the neck

The neck... it's 'cause it can put its neck back inside...

-Yeah, it's turtle neck. -ANNIE: It turned out to be a bad idea.

He moves very slowly

-So, I don't find it's... -GARY: Yeah.

-...useful. -That's tortoise and the hare.

The tortoise moved so slow

and consistently did he beat the hare in the race.

Right, well, we're not winning any races.

-Okay. -ANNIE: Yeah.

-No races. Just tortoise walking. -ANNIE: No.

You know, I've never met a guy named Hal.

Never. I am perusing my mind,

can't come up with anything.

Oh.

Uh... Well, it's...

It's short for Henry, Your Honor.

Why do you pick Hal to be short for Henry?

I am a big Barney Miller fan.

From the '70s.

-Ski filmmaker? -HAL: It was a cop show.

Situational comedy.

And Hal Linden played the lead.

He seemed like a striking man...

-Oh yeah, Barney Miller. -HAL: Yeah.

So, that's where I chose my name from.

I thought, "Why can't I be Hal Linden?"

HAL: And now, I half am.

Uh-huh.

GARY: Well, that's fantastic.

-Well... -MIKE: Is it?

Why...

does walking your turtle more than five hours a day

seem like a bad thing?

-ANNIE: Uh, Well, sir... -On a bad day.

It's my means of income.

So, if it takes me four hours to walk one turtle,

that is a lot of other

dogs and possible animals. I suppose that...

I do pay her for her walking.

-But... -Okay, let's not interrupt her.

ANNIE: [CLEARING THROAT] Thank you. Um...

While he pays me, he pays me at the same rate

that I charge all the other dog walkers.

I could lap

the turtle 16 times.

What are the health issues?

-Oh, yes. -GARY: In the turtlelogy.

Turtlelogy for the turtle to be walking.

I am glad you asked.

-How? -ANNIE: Because

there's actually a big health issue

I recently learned about,

that you can contract salmonella

from a tortoise.

-GARY: Say what? -Only if you lick it.

-ANNIE: Salmonella... -Enough, don't talk. What?

Salmonella. You can get salmonella from a tortoise.

Oh, salmonella. You're not going to eat the turtle.

Alright.

-No. -You got to eat some to get salmonella.

That's not the study I read.

-But still... What If... -What study did you read?

-One of my dogs licks it? -GARY: Is it... this licking...

Licking the turtle shell gives you salmonella?

I don't think the shell, would it be the face?

So, with all due respect, Your Honor,

I did not hire her to lick my tortoise.

HAL: I'd be very upset if I learned

that she had put her face on my tortoise.

Would the turtle like it?

He told me that turtle likes nuzzling.

-Likes what? -ANNIE: Nuzzling.

Like, you know, little face, like Eskimo kisses.

And no I did... I'm not saying I did lick

the turtle. But I got close.

ANNIE: Because that's what he said and...

It's an interesting texture, sir.

It sound like a great new movie, Turtle Licking Tonight,

Or Licking Turtles Tonight.

But we don't wanna lick turtles.

-That's not a good thing for turtles. -[LAUGHING]

No, a-and it's... it's not even my concern.

It's the other dogs. They love licking.

They lick me. They lick each other.

If they lick the turtle, they could get very ill.

Do all your pets lick you?

All my pets?

Uh... Yeah.

I mean, mostly dogs and cats.

So, you're very lickable in the pet world.

Whoa.

Uh... Okay.

-Okay. -MIKE: Ta-Ta.

Where's the, uh, turtle now?

Uh... I... He's with me.

-Your Honor, shall I bring him out? -GARY: He's with you.

Yes, please.

-Yes. -Okay.

Great. Going to see the turtle.

HAL: Alright, buddy.

HAL: Here we go.

HAL: Come, buddy. Yeah.

-GARY: It's just beautiful how things turn out in life. -Yeah.

-HAL: Here he is. -Oh, look at that little guy.

HAL: I know. He is shy.

Yeah, most turtles are.

Uh, by the way, I have created something

called skateboarding for turtles.

Hm. Mike, would you get the skateboard?

Mike is gonna show you how the skateboard

works for walking turtles

without having to walk them

five hours around the block.

Put the turtle on that skateboard

and hold it up to your sideways so you see the hole.

That hole is for the turtle to poop.

So, you put the turtle's anus over the hole

and you strap the turtle on there with bungee cords.

And then you take the

skateboard in the rope or the dog leash stretches.

And take the turtle around the block on that.

It'll be much faster. It'll be much happier.

And I've also created a helmet for turtles.

Where they can put their helmet on,

stick their head out of their shell,

and be screaming with laughter

as they skateboard down the sidewalk.

Good?

GARY: You agree?

-Uh, uh, Okay. -GARY: You agree?

-Demonstrate? -GARY: Yeah.

-Yeah, put the turtle on that. -HAL: Alright, buddy.

We're gonna go for a ride now, buddy.

We're gonna go for a ride.

He loves safety and speed

so, this would be wonderful.

MIKE: Is the butt right at the hole? ANNIE: Oh.

Wow, that's beautiful. See?

Now, you walking the turtle

is gonna get faster done than you were before.

ANNIE: Yup.

ANNIE: That's a turtle on the skateboard. GARY: Yeah.

The turtle's actually feeling movement.

It's not here like it's going [VOCALIZES]

He's feeling movement on the board.

That's a turtle board.

And that's for you.

That's a prototype of that turtle board.

-Oh... for me. -Okay, okay.

And the turtle board is for you

to walk turtles.

Uh... okay.

And it comes at the price of $80 for me

because I created it.

It's... What?

$80.

-I am paying for the skateboard?-GARY: Yeah, it's yours now.

It's a prototype.

My creation for you for only $80.

Those things sell for $550-$800 in the store.

Any turtle store.

But this is the-the prototype.

Prototype.

There's not one of them like it in the world today.

420s.

How do you know it charges $500?

-What? -ANNIE: Um...

Do you accept cash?

Check?

Cash or check.

Either-or.

You write me a check. You give me cash.

Now, actually.

-I... okay. -GARY: It'll be $160 but just do one.

Cash?

-Or check? -ANNIE: Okay.

-I have... -And the skateboard is for you and your turtle.

And you sir, when you want her to walk the turtle,

you got a bathroom on that thing.

And the great thing about it, turtle have a happiness,

when they know when they poop or pee through that hole,

they're gonna leave turtle stripes on the road.

So, you can tell where you're turtle's been.

I dare say that

Mr. Shelly Berman's about to go

where any tortoise dare not dream

-and I appreciate that, Your Honor. -You're welcome.

My favor is your flavor.

I want you both to be happy with what

the judge declared today.

And that's what we call

Pet justice.

Yeah.

Go have fun with your turtle.

-Mine. -Not my turtle.

Well, go have fun with your turtle.

-I have to go to work. -She's gonna be with you

'cause she's gonna be walking it on the skateboard.

You might wanna drill another hole in it and get another turtle.

I've been thinking about, uh, getting a sibling.

-GARY: Great. -Come on.

-Okay. -Did I just lose?

They can find a turtle farm.

GARY: Pet justice.

Yeah.

GARY: Okay. REPORTER: Okay.

More court people.

How do you feel about

the verdict that was reached?

Feel exonerated and like we struck a blow

for animal rights across the globe.

Exonerated and striking a blow. Is that good or bad?

It's the best possible news you could get.

Today we learned that

no matter what animal you are,

you deserve to walk and be walked

among other animals.

Can I just get a clear definition on exonerated?

No.

Well, I'll tell ya how I feel.

Exonerated.

-Hi. -Hi, hi.

Uh... I uh...

The last guy was really feeling positive. I hope you do, too.

Uh, no, I lost.

I think.

Wow, how does that make you feel?

Confused.

Umm...

That was Gary Busey, right?

The other guy? No. Gary Busey was the judge.

Yeah. No, the judge.

Yeah, judge Gary Busey. He is really great. He knows the law.

So, is this legally binding?

You'd have to ask him. He's the one that knows the law.

Okay.

You kinda missed your chance.You were just in there with him.

You should...That would have beena great question. He is a judge.

Gary Buse... Judge Gary Busey.

Okay.

Okay. Umm...

So, what are you up to?

I've to go to an ATM.

'Cause I owe Gary $80.

-Congrats. -No.

I can tell you congrats.

And I'm going to 'cause this is

Judge Gary Busey's Pet Court.

NARRATOR: She claims the monkey she hired

wasn't the one advertised.

He says he never claimed his monkey was a celebrity.

Judge Gary will figure out this monkey business.

MIKE: All rise.

The honorable judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Thank you for coming.

It's a good courtroom and

people are here for the right reasons.

And I'm sure our plaintiff and our defendant

are here for the right reasons.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, oh, this is the monkey?

-Yes, sir. -May the monkey be with you.

Okay.

I'd like to get to the story for the plaintiff.

Off the top.

So, Your Honor, I wanted to make

my daughter Andrea's birthday really really special.

And her favorite television show is Friends.

So, I hired, what I thought,

what I was led to believe

was the monkey from Friends

and the movie Outbreak.

But when the monkey arrived

at the party, it was not the monkey from Friends.

It was an impostor.

So, I am suing him for $500,

and I'd like for the court to take away his monkey

'cause he's committing monkey fraud.

-Huh? -It was not the same monkey from Friends.

You know, I never

said it was the monkey from Friends.

I don't know where she's getting this from.

That's all lies.

I wasn't finished.

-VICTORIA: Excuse me. -Oh, you've said enough, I think.

[MIKE EXCLAIMING]

Let's be kind to each other while we're in this fray

of who the monkey is.

What the monkey is. Where the monkey came from.

So, Bon Ogo.

Are you slinging fake monkeys?

No, sir.

This is not a fa... It's my monkey.

His name is Marcel. I have no, uh, I...

It's a coincidence, I guess.

I didn't know Marcel was a famous monkey name.

I entertain at parties.

If you have an office party, birthday party, retirement party,

I'm the guy. Everybody loves us.

We're great. I...

-don't really know... -Have you ever thought

getting a monkey sheet for you and being Marcel's dad?

I mean, there's all different ways to make Marcel happy.

But that might be too much for party.

Dad-monkey-human and that Marcel-monkey

Outbreakor Friends, which is it?

And does it really matter,what show is the monkey is from?

Does it?

Yes, because I paid for Marcel the monkey from Friends.

-Okay. -VICTORIA: Otherwise I wouldn't have paid

as much as I did.

Question: How did you find this monkey act?

So, his service was advertised in the Pennysaver.

And Your Honor, if I could just say,

my daughter was absolutely traumatized by this experience.

The monkey was mean.

It kept trying to hump the other guests.

VICTORIA: And it had only one trick.

It kept stealing beers from the cooler.

[SHOUTING] No, no, no. That's a lie.

Stop. Right now.

You will not yell in the court.

GARY: Keep it down.

-GARY: Okay, don't get upset. -Sorry.

Because this is a courtroom of truth.

-Okay. -Well, the truth is

Marcel only has one beer a day and that's at breakfast.

Your monkey drinks beer?

For breakfast, but just one.

Did you witness the monkey drinking more than one beer?

Yes, I did. I witnessed the monkey taking three beers

from the cooler. He brought one to him and the monkey had two on his own.

Well, I gotta let you know something about monkeys

and I know a lot about monkeys.

Monkeys are born horny.

They're born horny. They wanna reproduce.

-Mm-hm. -They wanna find out

what happens when that good feeling comes

and the female squealing.

What happens then?

A baby monkey happens.

You reproduce the world

with monkeys by getting them excited and horny

and letting them do what they do.

That's one of the ways I found out

that it wasn't real Marcel the monkey.

-What? -Because if you're a fan of Friends,

you know that the real Marcel was

a girl monkey not a boy monkey.

-Oh! -VICTORIA: So when he was humping the other guests

I saw that it was a boy monkey.

-Please elaborate on that. -Please.

All that makes no s...

Never mind because it's not Marcel from Friends.

It's my monkey Marcel.

So, it's your monkey Marcel

who's never been on Friends and your monkey is male.

Marcel's a female?

The real monkey that plays Marcel

on television plays a male monkey

but the real monkey is female.

I see.

Your Honor, which shows has his monkey been on?

The show that this monkey has been on

Friendsand Outbreak?

No.

-My monkey is not a movie star. -VICTORIA: See...

-Not Friends? -VICTORIA: This is what I am talking about.

BON: I don't even know these shows.

Did you even make the show up?

-Your Honor... -No, no that's a true show.

Went very well.

Very well done show.

I've never seen it.

Oh, that's okay.

I watch lots of TV too. Lifetime, PBS...

-[SHOUTING] Quiet! -BON: News.

[SOFTLY] Quiet.

That doesn't make it true if you haven't seen it.

It's called eye witness.

I've seen lots of stuff. Never saw that.

Oh, well, that's okay.

That's o... Ignorance is a bliss.

-Yeah. -GARY: When you haven't seen the movie

and there's a monkey in it, you don't know what the monkey is.

You don't know what the monkey is,

you don't know what the monkey's name is.

You don't know if the monkey is female or male, right?

GARY: You don't know that. MIKE: Brilliant.

'Cause you cannot reach in to the television set

and look between the legs

and find out what the... If it's a girl or boy monkey.

GARY: Can't do that. That's...

You're limited on that one.

That's called a technicology.

A technological bravite.

A technological bravite

is when technology is so brave

and isolated from your hands or your nose,

that you're not gonna know

anything about the monkey that's personal.

GARY: That's the key to that one.

Is there anybody that can translate here for me?

-I don't speak wacko. -GARY: What?

What I am saying is the monkey is on TV,

Friendsor Outbreak. You can't...

run over there and smell the monkey.

Look between his legs.

See if he smells, if he has bad breath, which they all do.

And that's okay. Bad breath to a monkey is good breath to other monkeys.

Oh.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

I understand that.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

They do. They stink.

-What you do? -Monkeys stink.

Monkeys stink. Yes, they do.

-VICTORIA: Your Honor, if I can just... -Yes?

...bring it back around.

This is his advertisement.

This is what he uses to promote

-his monkey business. -GARY: May I see that? Could you get that from her?

-It says... -Ha!

"Wouldn't it be great

"to be FRIENDS..." Friends is capitalized,

"with Marcel?"

"So much laughter it could cause an OUTBREAK."

Outbreak is also capitalized.

This is very interesting advertising you are doing.

Look at that monkey. Wow.

-It's cute. -GARY: It looks like, uh...

an umpire for the monkey baseball league.

[CHUCKLES]

So he is clearly lying.

He saw Friends and he saw Outbreak.

He is leading people to believe...

-That's true. -VICTORIA: This monkey is the monkey from Friends.

'Cause I've seen Friends. I've seen Outbreak.

This ain't the monkey.

-No. -GARY: This is not the same...

-What I'm trying to... -from both the shows.

Friends,TV. Outbreak,movie.

BON: Well, what I am trying to say in the flyer

is "Who doesn't want to be

"friends with a monkey?"

-BON: Everybody, right? -Yeah, that's...

-This... Here's the deal. -BON: And...

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

The question at hand is,

does that monkey want to be friends with you?

Yeah, he loves me.

[GARY CLEARS THROAT]

We're great friends.

How'd you know he loves you? What's he do to show that?

We sit around watching TV.

I give him his morning beer.

-It's the best... he's the best -What is his...

...friend I ever had. Other than...

What are his favorite shows on TV?

Anything on Lifetime.

-Lifetime?-Movies... He's very emotional.

And then we like to watch, uh,

anything with symphony music like on PBS.

It's not fair to have him talk about

this monkey like it's some nice, kind thing.

-It's not. -We'll see.

Here's the deal. The defendant looks at the monkey that way.

GARY: So if...

It could be...

Gender-related stress response.

Or it could be something that's not equal

to the measurement of reality in his brain.

And that's him. That's...

Did you ever have a head injury?

Not that I know of.

Not that you know of. That's a good answer.

Well.

I'd like to share a story that I have with you all.

So it'll help us get on the same raft.

-Same balance. -Is it a monkey story?

I used to have this magnificent pressure washer.

No, it's not.

It took care of the driveway,

the side of the house, the boat trailer, and my slaughterhouse.

You would not believe

the PSI on this thing.

It could strip the paint off a spaceship.

And I call her Suzette.

Dustin Hoffman wanders in one day, in the movie Outbreak.

It was supposed to be six or seven...

Asked to borrow it for one of his 9/11

themed garden parties.

I obliged, and haven't seen Dustin or Suzette since.

GARY: Hmm.

GARY: Marcel. This is avery important, familiar handle.

How'd you come up with that?

The name.

I named him Marcel after my grandma.

He's lying. Excuse me.

Marcel is not a feminine name in the French language.

Marcel Marceau the mime.

-That was a boy. -I saw him, yeah.

I've seen him. I've heard of him.

The mime.

But I still named it after my grandfather.

Okay.

Where's this monkey?

He's here.

Yeah, I'd like to see him.

You sure about that?

Oh yeah, he's part of the trial. Part of the case.

Well, he is little agitated today.

Mike?

Would you please go get me the monkey to see?

That is a first.

You bet, buddy.

You're worthy of all that.

Oh my God, there he is.

Wow.

-[MONKEY SQUEAKING] -Hello, little monkey!

Monkey have a name?

Marcel.

-[MONKEY SQUEAKING] -Marcel!

[IMITATES MONKEY]

That's monkey talk.

Oh, Marcel's beautiful.

Bon, have you ever thought about working in a carnival with monkeys?

I have. I would love to do that.

Well, this is the reason he's doing this act.

This is an act. This is a show, right.

Look at the man's clothes.

GARY: Carnival barker on the stage.

-[MIKE LAUGHING] -Come on in. One dime. One tenth of a dollar.

To see Marcel run on a rope and pee on a head of a nun.

What's wrong with my clothes?

GARY: Nothing.

This proves to me what you are.

[MIKE LAUGHING]

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

BON: I told you that would happen.

-You told him to throw his poop?-BON: He needs his beer.

I didn't insinuate...

Let me tell you what the word poop stands for.

P-O-O-P.

Pushing Out Old Produce.

GARY: So the monkey just threw

his entree at me.

And I could smell it when it went by.

So, it's not vegetarian meat, It's meat.

Oh!

You see, he just went, "Yeah".

He agrees with me. The monkey agrees with me.

-GARY: He did... -I'm glad somebody understands.

[GARY SHOUTING]

GARY: Okay, this is easy.

I file for the plaintiff.

-Thank you. -GARY: Plaintiff's order to defendant to reimburse.

We're gonna have to have a lot of Lysol here.

And may God have mercy on your souls.

Pet justice.

Ah!

Isn't this great? Aren't you having fun now?

Thank you so much.

Now that you know the outcome

and you both won in your own stupid way.

The way is not stupid. The way is not brilliant.

The way is the way.

Court is adjourned.

Thanks for coming in.

Thank you.

GARY: You're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you both. Be happy.

Yeah. Look at that monkey go.

[LAUGHING]

Pet justice.

Ooh, yeah!

You can actually... If you sniff deep enough, you can smell the word "ooh yeah".

And it'll enlighten your gallbladder.

I smelled it.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Interview time again.

How do you feel...

...about the case?

I think it went great.

I think justice was served today.

Okay. Uh, and...

Do you think you'll get more monkeys in the future?

Yes, I probably will. But I'm gonna...

Look somewhere other than Pennysaver this time, I think.

A penny saved is a penny earned?

No, definitely lost in this case.

So, I am glad the judge saw in my favor.

Okay. Well.

I hope that next time

you find the monkey that you're looking for.

Thanks.

Thanks so much.

IAN: Thank you.

Well, the monkey himself.

Sir, how do you feel about the case?

Well, it went terrible. I have to pay her back all the money.

Yeah, but that's justice and that's fair.

It's justice, right, that I did what I was supposed to do

and now I have to give the money back. I mean

I have to buy things for the monkey and I have no money.

But I will abide by

His Honor's ruling

and pay back the money.

I've got $20. Can you give that to her?

I'll give the rest later.

You're gonna have to give it to her yourself, I'm afraid.

But I hope that you

find a monkey that satisfies your customers.

Okay.

IAN: Thanks.

Hi, I am $20 richer and this is Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Justice.

This is a skateboard

for walking your turtle back home.

I've created a helmet for the turtles.

-No. -So, the head gets out, you snap that helmet on.

And put him on here. His face is gonna be out of shell.

He's gonna be "Yeah!"

Screaming into the wind as he rolls down the hill.

-It's a great thing. -Yeah,

little chin strap.

I am glad you see the value of my breakthrough.

And I have this to say:

Pet justice.

Justice.