Original subtitles

HOST: You hear that scratching?

You're about to meet real people

who have some serious pet problems.

Good thing there's an iron hand of pet justice out there

to set things straight.

They may think they're ready,

but I guarantee you they are not.

It's Gary Busey, Pet Judge.

Pet justice!

HOST: He claims his raccoon

was turned into a monster.

He says he made the raccoon better.

Judge Gary will make the final decision.

MIKE: All rise,

the Honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

Hey, isn't that great I'm presiding?

Wow.

I want to get to know each one of you better,

but we'll have to wait on that.

You may be seated.

Okay.

Mr. Ruff, I'm sorry for your loss, sir.

Why don't you walk me through this case as you know it.

Well, uh, Gary Bu... Your Honor.

I, um...

had this, um, pet raccoon...

named Bandit and... we had a real special bond

because I found the raccoon...

in my garbage one day.

It had a chicken bone in its mouth.

-You what? -It had a chicken bone in its mouth

and when he saw me he got a little scared

and he took off.

And I went inside and I got some whole wheat bread

and I thought, "Well, maybe this will attract him back."

So I went outside with the bread

and sure enough he smelled that bread

and he came running back right towards me.

And I was... taken aback

'cause that raccoon seemed to know my heart.

[SOBBING] That raccoon...

was the next reason for me to live.

I feel a little embarrassed saying this

in front of this man, but...

I used to weigh 300 pounds

and that raccoon, Bandit...

his little eyes looked like a bandit.

That raccoon taught me how to live again.

-That's a great connection. -Yeah. Yeah.

And when he got run over by a car, I...

I wanted to keep Bandit

for the rest of my natural born days.

I wanted him to be with me, so I took him to a taxidermist

and this man, Mr. Edward,

said, "Come into my shop and I'll take care of it."

Okay, great. What came back?

What came back...

-[GARY CHUCKLES] -Gary, Your Honor,

was an abomination before God.

-An abomination before God. -This raccoon... Yes.

What caused the abomination before God to happen?

From the waist up,

the raccoon had the body that God gave him.

Good.

From the waist down,

it was like something out of a Mad Maxmovie.

It was like something out of a horror story.

It was terrifying.

I saw this thing and I said, "You know what, Mr. Edward?

"This is unacceptable to me."

I really think that this man is dark sided.

That's good.

I see your emotions. I know where they are.

Motorized wheels, like, instead of legs?

Your Honor, that's...

it's a hand-crafted raccoon.

You know, my family has been tanning hides

and stuffing beavers for generations

and the way he speaks about this masterpiece is insulting.

I spent a lot of time on your friend there.

And I knew that he ran around like lightning.

He was lightning speed, so I wanna give him something

to roll around with you.

I thought you'd like that.

I was really touched by your story and I...

I'm empathetic, I take that from my mother that way

and I just thought that, that's something that

he'd like to have with him for a while, Your Honor.

Ah, I see.

That's sounds very thoughtful,

wonderful, empathetic and artistic from you.

Why would anyone have a problem with this?

I asked him to make it in the most natural form

he could possibly make that raccoon

and he just took it on himself.

I would like for him to retaxidermy Bandit.

-Your Honor... [SCOFFS] -You...

I didn't give him Han Solo and Carbonite

I gave him, like that Guardian of the Galaxy.

-You gave me... -That's a beautiful beast.

It's a beautiful beast?

-Oh, absolutely. -Okay, you guys.

Hey, hey. Don't argue with yourselves.

That's why I'm here to balance that.

I'm the fulcrum

of the teeter-totter of argument.

I'm in the middle. I balance.

So, pay attention.

Mike, where is this raccoon?

I wanna gaze my eyes upon him.

-Oh. -Find the raccoon for me and show it to me.

Absolutely.

Everybody loves to see a good raccoon.

Whoa, whoa!

EDWARD: Look at that, Your Honor.

Is that a fine, handcrafted work or what?

Look at the look on his face, he looks terrorized.

EDWARD: Oh, no. That's the fighting spirit.

That's like a honey badger.

He is screaming.

Please, please, Tell me it works.

It's like Steve McQueen in Bullitt,Your Honor.

-Show him, Eric. -[ERIC SCOFFS]

I'm not doing this.

Okay.

[MACHINE STARTS UP]

You see that mouth?

You see that crazy face on it?

It looks... [SCREAMS]

-Oh. -Ah!

He just gave himself a nose job.

EDWARD: See. Look at the face on that, Your Honor.

Well, that's a fighting spirit right there.

ERIC: It looks like a demonic spirit.

Watch out, Mike.

EDWARD: See, look at that.

One of a kind.

-One of a kind, I'd say so. -Oh, yeah.

Look at it. I even got the teeth right.

And you gave an expanded nature

of the raccoon's existence by putting him on four wheels.

I think he's beautiful and I like the way he works.

I like the way the raccoon works!

This creation may be the best creation I've seen

because I ate mushrooms once with Coach Bear Bryant.

He said to open that bag or...

[CLEARS THROAT] Dip your hand in.

[CLEARS THROAT] Pull out some mushrooms and swallow.

And I did.

And me and Bear went over the moon.

We were chasing raccoons.

Over the moon.

And if Eric doesn't want it,

I'll pay you $200 for him right now.

You pay the plaintiff 200.

-Oh. -He pays me.

And then you pay me another $200.

-Wait. -I'll pay you

and the plaintiff, you pay me.

That makes sense?

No, Gary Busey.

[GARY LAUGHS]

I gotta tell you for the truth of my heart and my mind,

that is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

A rolling raccoon...

with nowhere to go, but wherever he ends up.

Pet justice in victory of the raccoon.

Ho!

MIKE: There you go. GARY: This has been a wonderful case

because your case makes everyone happy.

It's like a case...

and you can carry your case

and whatever is in that case, it's up to your imagination.

So put the best thing in the case you're carrying

so the invincible ingredients in the cake

will be happy for you and you'll be happy for that.

So just pay me the $200,

pay him the $200.

You pay me the $200, you pay me $200

and the raccoon is free.

He's free with me.

-I might rip off the wheels... -Oh.

...and put some centipede feet on him...

-EDWARD: I can do that. -...but I haven't made that decision yet.

I can do that for you, sir.

Pet justice has been achieved!

Hiyah, hiyah!

Okay, leave the raccoon here. You guys can go.

Go to the raccoon museum

and see if you can find the bone

in the gugu of raccoons...

'cause that's a good toothpick.

God bless you.

-Have a good time. -Thank you.

GARY: And thanks for the raccoon.

He is in a very happy place now.

I might have this raccoon go to the drug store for me.

I'll just tape a note on the raccoon.

[WHISTLES] It'll go to the drug store,

they'll read the note

and they'll get it in a bag, a ziplock bag,

tape the raccoon, hit the button on the raccoon.

[WHISTLES] Raccoon will come back to me

and we'll all be so very happy.

[LAUGHS]

The interview's right now.

Hi.

So how do you feel about how the pet judge, Gary Busey,

handled your case?

Um, I think I won.

Gary, the honorable, liked Bandit

and he's gonna keep him

and I'm gonna pay the other guy $200

and Gary's gonna give me $200,

but more importantly,

he loved the animal and the work I've done.

Did you say that there was a bandit in there?

I think a fetched term of endearment.

The Bandit was not, not the Smokey and the Bandit.

Are you saying that he loves a bandit?

No, no. Not like the movie,

like the animal, he calls it Bandit the raccoon.

He's so... I'm... Okay, um... [INHALES SHARPLY]

Did you make your hat?

It is handcrafted.

-It's, um... -Did you make your hat, sir?

My family did. My family.

I feel like you're dodging the question.

This is hard-hitting journalism.

Did you or did you not make that hat?

No, it was handed down by my grandfather.

Okay.

You heard it here first, folks.

His grandfather is a hand-me-down.

Welcome. I'm Ian Abramson to Gary Busey's pet court.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, hello.

Can I ask you about your case, sir?

Yeah.

Okay. How was your case?

It was all right.

Oh, good. How are... Um...

Okay, well. Did you like how Gary Busey said yes or no to you?

Gary Busey was real nice and everything

and he tried to see everybody's side of the story...

[SIGHS]

But when God created Adam and Eve,

he created them in his likeness.

Now when you take a raccoon, now...

that looks like a bandit,

'cause it's got that mask on its face,

and then you cut off its legs

and you put on some motorized wheels on it

to make it look like a car or something.

This happened in the Bible?

No.

That's exactly why

this whole case is an abomination.

Now, Gary Busey... Gary Busey, pet judge, was nice...

but the whole situation was an abomination.

You don't see this?

I'm just confused on some facts.

Was there somebody named Adam

that had robot legs? Like what?

Okay, did I watch the right...

[WHISPERS] Read your Bible.

Well, okay, um...

I hope that you get a new raccoon

that has human legs or whatever you're looking for.

I'm Ian Abramson

and we're gonna have more Gary Busey's pet court.

[TYPEWRITER CLICKING]

HOST: He claims a kennel turned his dog girly.

She says that's just not possible.

Judge Gary will man up with a verdict.

MIKE: All rise

for the Honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

All right, here we are.

Guess something about barking a dog and...

attitude of the dog's accent.

Lazarus let's start with you.

-Yes. -Explain your story, sir.

I left my dog, Terror.

You left it where?

I left my dog, Terror.

His dog's name is Terror.

-LAZARUS: Yeah. -His dog's a tailor?

Terror.

Does he knit the clothes for other dogs?

I left the dog with her,

the dog boarder, and come to find out

my dog had been in the play pen with other dogs,

like French poodles.

And now he's like a... [BARKS MEEKLY]

Now, he's barking like that.

Okay, so you're upset the dog is effeminate?

Yup. Yup.

French sounding, it is, woof.

His bark.

Woof, wiff-wiff, woof.

-It's like... -French sounding is like what?

Can you imitate the French sounding bark?

Bow. Woof. Err.

Yeah.

-That's it. It's like that. -Boy, you sound like a bug is biting you on the butt.

-LAZARUS: It's like... -[IMITATES SOFT BARKING]

[LAZARUS BARKS MEEKLY]

It's bad, Judge.

I can't even look at him in the eyes anymore.

I don't know what to think.

Look. Let me explain something to you.

The French language is one of the most romantic languages in the world.

I have a picture here of my great, great, great uncle.

That's Claude Debussy.

My name Busey comes from that name.

He was a classical pianist

who wrote a great song called, Claire de Lune,

which is a love story about people in the moon.

Great, great.

French language is very beautiful.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

I just told you, the blue pig is eating garbage,

but doesn't it sound wonderful and romantic?

French language is beautiful.

So where are our boats crashing together here?

GILLI: Thank you, sir.

I don't believe that I have any fault at all

in what he's claiming.

I took great care of Terror.

Terror is a wonderful dog.

He came to me a wonderful dog.

I've been running my boarding facility

Breakfast at Sniffany's for a very long time now.

I have had zero complaints.

Frankly, a French accent,

I agree, is a beautiful thing and we should be so lucky.

Too bad dogs don't have accents.

I'm sorry, there is no regional dog language.

It's all bark, woof, bork...

Well, listen, I need to interrupt you,

but I don't hate it because I love to.

Here's what I have to say.

You said dogs can't have accents?

I don't believe so, sir.

They can't influence other dogs vocalization patterns?

I really think there's just woof and that's international.

Woof. That's it?

[BARKS AGGRESSIVELY]

I grew up in Texas and Oklahoma. I love dogs.

[GARY BARKS]

And their barks, to me,

are those dogs telling me they love me.

Even if they're mad, I know they still love me.

Hmm.

You offered a free week of boarding for compensation?

Yes, I did.

He wrote a very damaging Yelp review on my page

-saying that... -Oh, yeah.

...I was culturally reprogramming dogs

at Breakfast at Sniffany's

and I am, of course, not doing that.

Okay, I want an example

of the new ladylike bark.

Give me that.

-Lazarus? -Okay.

It sounds like this.

[IMITATES WHIMPERING DOG]

It's sad, Judge.

It sounded like a blue jay. Little bird with a long tail.

Mike, can you get the dog?

I wanna hear the dog.

I hope so.

MIKE: Took the dog's balls.

[SIGHS]

GARY: You know these pets are gonna rise in revolt?

And there's no way to prepare for that.

If you think you can prepare for that,

well, go ahead and do it.

But when the pet rises and revolts on you,

you better hope you have an extra packet

of Kibbles N' Bits.

-That'll work. -Yeah.

Okay, got the dog? There she is.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, little bud.

[CHUCKLES]

Pretty dog.

He doesn't have a bark though.

-He what? -He doesn't bark.

Like he's supposed to.

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[DOG BARKS]

There.

Now that is not French, that's not...

[WHINING] That's not like that.

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

Yeah!

I'm communicating with dog communication.

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

If I heard a dog like that bark at me,

I'd stop where I am.

Um...

That dog does not look superficially male.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, that dog is completely...

He's feminine, Judge, and his bark was ferocious.

It was way bigger than that.

-I mean, you could hear him on the street. -[GARY BARKS]

[DOG BARKS]

-It was like... -See, he's talking louder than you.

-No. -He's barking louder than you.

His bark was like this, his bark was like...

Woof! That's how it was. Ain't that right?

See, now look at him now. See, look.

Well, you should be happy

you got both cakes going at once.

-[DOG BARKS] -Okay, we got the dog bark.

Take him out of the court room, please.

Go ahead, Mike. Get him out. Don't let the dog bite you.

Please, please don't.

Keep your pants up high and your socks are tight.

Well, look at these intake forms.

GARY: Wait a minute here. The dog's just been fixed?

Yes, we gave him special care

because he had just come out of surgery.

Why'd the dog get fixed, Lazarus?

He was humping everything in sight and he...

almost broke the laundry basket.

I've found a note here that...

Terror's favorite post exercise recovery drink is soy milk.

We also offer almond milk.

Did you know that soy milk is estrogenic?

Now I do.

You must respect the integrated system

or face consequences.

That's all there is to it.

Everything in life is gonna bring you a consequence.

Whether you like it or not.

And when you choose a behavior you choose a consequence.

The point is to love your dog, not for the force of his words,

[BARKS]

but for the size of his heart.

That's the proper way to love a dog

or love anybody you're with.

You can love people you don't even know.

It's the size of the heart that makes the love work.

I rule in favor of the defendant.

Pet justice!

Thank you.

Now get out.

-I'm okay. -You don't want a hug?

I'd rather not, but thank you so much for the offer.

Well, there's two peoplewho didn't have clean underwear.

I can't say they hugged each other.

Anyway pet justice! Ha!

Okay, here we go again.

Hello. Congrats on your win for the pet.

Thank you. This was all really intense.

I'm very glad that it worked out this way though.

Yeah, so...

I know that the dog wasn't more feminine.

Do you think that it was more masculine?

The dog is very healthy.

He's very happy.

Judge Gary Busey was incredibly kind and firm

and sexy when he spoke French.

So I'm calling this a victory.

That's great. I'm glad that you found him to be firm.

What does that mean in this context?

I did not put my hands on him and feel him,

if that's what you mean.

He's not like tactile firm.

More his attitude.

He was direct.

Great. Okay.

I'm glad that you...

[EXHALES SHARPLY] won the... It was a firm win?

A very firm win. Yes, yes.

Affirmative.

Thanks.

Okay, so, you still have a dog, right?

Yeah, he's a dog all right. Yeah.

Do you still feel like your dog is too feminine?

He is feminine.

There's no question about it.

He's not the same dog anymore.

Dog is feminine and they say, life is a bitch, right?

That's a bitch.

Wow.

Well, um...

How are you going to adjust

your life with your dog from here?

It's just not a dog anymore.

I probably should get a cat.

You want a masculine cat?

Yeah, I had one at one time.

He was very masculine.

I'm all about the masculinity.

Yeah. Is that just like a big buff cat?

Big buff cat, yeah.

They have 'em. Yeah.

I need a buff cat.

Yeah. How do you work out your cat?

Very simple, very easy. Push-ups.

Cat push-ups. You heard it here first.

This is Ian Abramson with Gary Busey

on... Pet Court.

Justice!

Look at that one, that's a stallion.

[LAUGHS]

You know, those road apples she described earlier fall out and go, plop.

And you don't want to ride

too close behind a horse that's letting out road apples

because the gas that comes with a road apple

can flatten a grown man in three places.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, get the horses out of here. Next case.

Aye!