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HOST:
You hear that scratching?
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00:00:02,381 --> 00:00:03,761
You're about to meet
real people
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00:00:03,796 --> 00:00:06,036
who have some
serious pet problems.
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00:00:06,075 --> 00:00:09,215
Good thing there's an iron hand of pet justice out there
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00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:10,870
to set things straight.
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00:00:10,907 --> 00:00:12,317
They may think they're ready,
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00:00:12,357 --> 00:00:14,907
but I guarantee you
they are not.
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00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:17,665
It's Gary Busey, Pet Judge.
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00:00:17,707 --> 00:00:19,807
Pet justice!
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00:00:25,232 --> 00:00:26,752
HOST:
He claims his raccoon
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00:00:26,785 --> 00:00:29,785
was turned into a monster.
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00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:32,722
He says
he made the raccoon better.
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00:00:32,756 --> 00:00:35,166
Judge Gary will make
the final decision.
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00:00:35,207 --> 00:00:37,417
MIKE: All rise,
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00:00:37,451 --> 00:00:41,701
the Honorable Judge
Gary Busey presiding.
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Hey, isn't that great
I'm presiding?
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00:00:45,148 --> 00:00:46,978
Wow.
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00:00:47,012 --> 00:00:48,882
I want to get to know
each one of you better,
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00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,190
but we'll have to wait
on that.
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00:00:50,222 --> 00:00:51,122
You may be seated.
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00:00:52,604 --> 00:00:53,714
Okay.
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00:00:53,743 --> 00:00:56,573
Mr. Ruff,
I'm sorry for your loss, sir.
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00:00:56,608 --> 00:01:00,438
Why don't you walk me through
this case as you know it.
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00:01:00,474 --> 00:01:03,554
Well, uh, Gary Bu...
Your Honor.
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00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:04,620
I, um...
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00:01:06,031 --> 00:01:10,381
had this, um, pet raccoon...
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00:01:10,415 --> 00:01:14,105
named Bandit and...
we had a real special bond
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00:01:14,143 --> 00:01:17,043
because I found the raccoon...
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00:01:18,147 --> 00:01:19,147
in my garbage one day.
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00:01:19,182 --> 00:01:21,012
It had a chicken bone
in its mouth.
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00:01:21,046 --> 00:01:23,906
-You what?
-It had a chicken bone
in its mouth
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00:01:23,945 --> 00:01:26,425
and when he saw me
he got a little scared
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00:01:26,465 --> 00:01:27,805
and he took off.
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00:01:27,846 --> 00:01:32,256
And I went inside and I got
some whole wheat bread
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00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:35,129
and I thought, "Well, maybe
this will attract him back."
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00:01:35,164 --> 00:01:36,864
So I went outside
with the bread
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00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:39,509
and sure enough
he smelled that bread
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00:01:39,547 --> 00:01:42,997
and he came running back
right towards me.
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00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:45,423
And I was... taken aback
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00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:49,490
'cause that raccoon
seemed to know my heart.
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00:01:49,523 --> 00:01:51,633
[SOBBING]
That raccoon...
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00:01:54,044 --> 00:01:57,154
was the next reason
for me to live.
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00:01:58,359 --> 00:01:59,979
I feel a little embarrassed
saying this
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00:02:00,016 --> 00:02:01,466
in front of this man, but...
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00:02:03,053 --> 00:02:06,163
I used to weigh 300 pounds
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00:02:06,195 --> 00:02:08,815
and that raccoon, Bandit...
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00:02:10,820 --> 00:02:13,310
his little eyes
looked like a bandit.
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00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:17,280
That raccoon taught me
how to live again.
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00:02:17,309 --> 00:02:20,349
-That's a great connection.
-Yeah. Yeah.
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00:02:20,381 --> 00:02:25,111
And when he got run over
by a car, I...
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00:02:26,076 --> 00:02:28,526
I wanted to keep Bandit
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00:02:28,562 --> 00:02:31,082
for the rest
of my natural born days.
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00:02:31,116 --> 00:02:34,076
I wanted him to be with me,
so I took him to a taxidermist
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00:02:34,119 --> 00:02:36,499
and this man, Mr. Edward,
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00:02:36,535 --> 00:02:39,915
said, "Come into my shop
and I'll take care of it."
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00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:42,402
Okay, great. What came back?
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00:02:42,438 --> 00:02:43,918
What came back...
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00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,816
-[GARY CHUCKLES]
-Gary, Your Honor,
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00:02:45,855 --> 00:02:48,715
was an abomination before God.
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00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:51,524
-An abomination before God.
-This raccoon... Yes.
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00:02:51,550 --> 00:02:54,480
What caused the abomination
before God to happen?
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From the waist up,
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00:02:56,141 --> 00:02:59,731
the raccoon had the body
that God gave him.
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00:02:59,765 --> 00:03:01,245
Good.
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00:03:01,284 --> 00:03:02,844
From the waist down,
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00:03:02,872 --> 00:03:05,742
it was like something out of
a Mad Maxmovie.
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00:03:05,771 --> 00:03:09,531
It was like something
out of a horror story.
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00:03:09,568 --> 00:03:11,048
It was terrifying.
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00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:12,807
I saw this thing and I said,
"You know what, Mr. Edward?
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00:03:13,779 --> 00:03:15,399
"This is unacceptable to me."
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00:03:15,436 --> 00:03:18,676
I really think that this man
is dark sided.
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00:03:18,715 --> 00:03:19,885
That's good.
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00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:21,243
I see your emotions.
I know where they are.
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00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:24,070
Motorized wheels, like,
instead of legs?
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00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:26,413
Your Honor, that's...
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00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:29,517
it's a hand-crafted raccoon.
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00:03:29,554 --> 00:03:31,764
You know, my family
has been tanning hides
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00:03:31,797 --> 00:03:33,627
and stuffing beavers
for generations
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00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:38,601
and the way he speaks about
this masterpiece is insulting.
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00:03:38,632 --> 00:03:42,532
I spent a lot of time
on your friend there.
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00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:45,397
And I knew that he ran around
like lightning.
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00:03:45,432 --> 00:03:48,262
He was lightning speed,
so I wanna give him something
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00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:50,157
to roll around with you.
84
00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:51,985
I thought you'd like that.
85
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:54,754
I was really touched
by your story and I...
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00:03:54,786 --> 00:03:57,166
I'm empathetic, I take that
from my mother that way
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00:03:57,202 --> 00:03:59,622
and I just thought that,
that's something that
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00:03:59,653 --> 00:04:01,723
he'd like to have with him
for a while, Your Honor.
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00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,448
Ah, I see.
90
00:04:04,485 --> 00:04:05,725
That's sounds very thoughtful,
91
00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:08,942
wonderful, empathetic
and artistic from you.
92
00:04:08,972 --> 00:04:11,112
Why would anyone
have a problem with this?
93
00:04:11,147 --> 00:04:14,387
I asked him to make it
in the most natural form
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00:04:14,426 --> 00:04:16,326
he could possibly
make that raccoon
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00:04:16,359 --> 00:04:18,569
and he just
took it on himself.
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00:04:18,603 --> 00:04:22,853
I would like for him
to retaxidermy Bandit.
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00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:25,093
-Your Honor... [SCOFFS]
-You...
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00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:27,196
I didn't give him
Han Solo and Carbonite
99
00:04:27,232 --> 00:04:29,652
I gave him, like that
Guardian of the Galaxy.
100
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:32,173
-You gave me...
-That's a beautiful beast.
101
00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:33,312
It's a beautiful beast?
102
00:04:33,342 --> 00:04:34,622
-Oh, absolutely.
-Okay, you guys.
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00:04:34,653 --> 00:04:37,103
Hey, hey. Don't argue
with yourselves.
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00:04:37,138 --> 00:04:38,348
That's why I'm here
to balance that.
105
00:04:38,381 --> 00:04:39,971
I'm the fulcrum
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00:04:40,003 --> 00:04:42,353
of the teeter-totter
of argument.
107
00:04:42,385 --> 00:04:44,175
I'm in the middle. I balance.
108
00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:45,732
So, pay attention.
109
00:04:46,562 --> 00:04:47,802
Mike, where is this raccoon?
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00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:50,049
I wanna gaze my eyes upon him.
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00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,812
-Oh.
-Find the raccoon for me
and show it to me.
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00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:54,984
Absolutely.
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00:04:55,018 --> 00:04:57,158
Everybody loves to see
a good raccoon.
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00:05:00,403 --> 00:05:02,303
Whoa, whoa!
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00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,476
EDWARD:
Look at that, Your Honor.
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00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,890
Is that a fine,
handcrafted work or what?
117
00:05:05,926 --> 00:05:09,026
Look at the look on his face,
he looks terrorized.
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00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,517
EDWARD: Oh, no.
That's the fighting spirit.
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00:05:10,551 --> 00:05:12,451
That's like a honey badger.
120
00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:13,664
He is screaming.
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00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:17,322
Please, please,
Tell me it works.
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00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,871
It's like Steve McQueen
in Bullitt,Your Honor.
123
00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:21,035
-Show him, Eric.
-[ERIC SCOFFS]
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00:05:22,218 --> 00:05:23,288
I'm not doing this.
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00:05:23,875 --> 00:05:24,765
Okay.
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00:05:26,015 --> 00:05:27,115
[MACHINE STARTS UP]
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00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,332
You see that mouth?
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00:05:30,571 --> 00:05:32,401
You see
that crazy face on it?
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00:05:33,194 --> 00:05:34,544
It looks... [SCREAMS]
130
00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:36,993
-Oh.
-Ah!
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00:05:37,026 --> 00:05:39,366
He just gave himself
a nose job.
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00:05:39,408 --> 00:05:41,338
EDWARD: See.
Look at the face on that,
Your Honor.
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00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,685
Well, that's a fighting spirit
right there.
134
00:05:43,722 --> 00:05:46,102
ERIC: It looks like
a demonic spirit.
135
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,451
Watch out, Mike.
136
00:05:52,282 --> 00:05:53,772
EDWARD: See, look at that.
137
00:05:55,216 --> 00:05:57,006
One of a kind.
138
00:05:57,046 --> 00:05:58,736
-One of a kind, I'd say so.
-Oh, yeah.
139
00:05:58,772 --> 00:06:00,262
Look at it.
I even got the teeth right.
140
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,050
And you gave
an expanded nature
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00:06:02,085 --> 00:06:05,705
of the raccoon's existence
by putting him on four wheels.
142
00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:09,064
I think he's beautiful
and I like the way he works.
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00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:11,372
I like the way
the raccoon works!
144
00:06:15,305 --> 00:06:17,755
This creation may be
the best creation I've seen
145
00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:20,661
because I ate mushrooms once
with Coach Bear Bryant.
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00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:24,068
He said to open that bag or...
147
00:06:24,107 --> 00:06:26,247
[CLEARS THROAT]
Dip your hand in.
148
00:06:26,282 --> 00:06:29,422
[CLEARS THROAT] Pull out
some mushrooms and swallow.
149
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:30,868
And I did.
150
00:06:30,907 --> 00:06:32,667
And me and Bear
went over the moon.
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00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:35,122
We were chasing raccoons.
152
00:06:35,671 --> 00:06:37,051
Over the moon.
153
00:06:37,086 --> 00:06:38,736
And if Eric doesn't want it,
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00:06:38,777 --> 00:06:41,917
I'll pay you $200
for him right now.
155
00:06:41,953 --> 00:06:44,513
You pay the plaintiff 200.
156
00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,444
-Oh.
-He pays me.
157
00:06:47,476 --> 00:06:49,746
And then you pay me
another $200.
158
00:06:49,788 --> 00:06:50,998
-Wait.
-I'll pay you
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00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,171
and the plaintiff,
you pay me.
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00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:54,545
That makes sense?
161
00:06:54,586 --> 00:06:55,926
No, Gary Busey.
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00:06:55,967 --> 00:06:57,487
[GARY LAUGHS]
163
00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,830
I gotta tell you for the truth
of my heart and my mind,
164
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:04,388
that is the greatest thing
I have ever seen.
165
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:07,290
A rolling raccoon...
166
00:07:07,323 --> 00:07:10,123
with nowhere to go,
but wherever he ends up.
167
00:07:11,189 --> 00:07:14,399
Pet justice in victory
of the raccoon.
168
00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,330
Ho!
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00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,607
MIKE: There you go.
GARY: This has been
a wonderful case
170
00:07:19,646 --> 00:07:23,166
because your case
makes everyone happy.
171
00:07:23,201 --> 00:07:25,311
It's like a case...
172
00:07:25,341 --> 00:07:27,101
and you can carry your case
173
00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:31,616
and whatever is in that case,
it's up to your imagination.
174
00:07:31,658 --> 00:07:34,488
So put the best thing
in the case you're carrying
175
00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:36,463
so the invincible ingredients
in the cake
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00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:40,530
will be happy for you
and you'll be happy for that.
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00:07:41,219 --> 00:07:43,429
So just pay me the $200,
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00:07:44,222 --> 00:07:45,642
pay him the $200.
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00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:48,502
You pay me the $200,
you pay me $200
180
00:07:48,537 --> 00:07:50,327
and the raccoon is free.
181
00:07:50,366 --> 00:07:51,606
He's free with me.
182
00:07:51,643 --> 00:07:53,853
-I might rip off the wheels...
-Oh.
183
00:07:53,887 --> 00:07:55,987
...and put some
centipede feet on him...
184
00:07:56,027 --> 00:07:58,307
-EDWARD: I can do that.
-...but I haven't made
that decision yet.
185
00:07:58,339 --> 00:08:00,169
I can do that for you, sir.
186
00:08:00,203 --> 00:08:04,353
Pet justice has been achieved!
187
00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:08,136
Hiyah, hiyah!
188
00:08:08,177 --> 00:08:10,517
Okay, leave the raccoon here.
You guys can go.
189
00:08:11,387 --> 00:08:13,557
Go to the raccoon museum
190
00:08:13,596 --> 00:08:16,006
and see
if you can find the bone
191
00:08:16,047 --> 00:08:17,497
in the gugu of raccoons...
192
00:08:18,739 --> 00:08:20,119
'cause that's
a good toothpick.
193
00:08:20,741 --> 00:08:21,671
God bless you.
194
00:08:21,708 --> 00:08:23,538
-Have a good time.
-Thank you.
195
00:08:23,572 --> 00:08:25,712
GARY:
And thanks for the raccoon.
196
00:08:25,746 --> 00:08:27,506
He is in
a very happy place now.
197
00:08:29,681 --> 00:08:33,271
I might have this raccoon
go to the drug store for me.
198
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,715
I'll just tape a note
on the raccoon.
199
00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:37,896
[WHISTLES]
It'll go to the drug store,
200
00:08:37,931 --> 00:08:39,101
they'll read the note
201
00:08:39,139 --> 00:08:41,279
and they'll get it in a bag,
a ziplock bag,
202
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:44,563
tape the raccoon,
hit the button on the raccoon.
203
00:08:44,593 --> 00:08:47,083
[WHISTLES]
Raccoon will come back to me
204
00:08:47,112 --> 00:08:48,802
and we'll all be
so very happy.
205
00:08:49,598 --> 00:08:51,288
[LAUGHS]
206
00:08:53,947 --> 00:08:55,597
The interview's right now.
207
00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:57,048
Hi.
208
00:08:57,088 --> 00:09:01,298
So how do you feel about
how the pet judge, Gary Busey,
209
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,823
handled your case?
210
00:09:03,473 --> 00:09:05,483
Um, I think I won.
211
00:09:06,442 --> 00:09:08,932
Gary, the honorable,
liked Bandit
212
00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:11,272
and he's gonna keep him
213
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:14,039
and I'm gonna pay
the other guy $200
214
00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:16,250
and Gary's gonna give me $200,
215
00:09:16,279 --> 00:09:18,109
but more importantly,
216
00:09:18,143 --> 00:09:21,563
he loved the animal
and the work I've done.
217
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,455
Did you say that
there was a bandit in there?
218
00:09:24,494 --> 00:09:27,334
I think a fetched term
of endearment.
219
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,709
The Bandit was not,
not the Smokey and the Bandit.
220
00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,711
Are you saying
that he loves a bandit?
221
00:09:31,743 --> 00:09:33,123
No, no. Not like the movie,
222
00:09:33,158 --> 00:09:35,748
like the animal, he calls it
Bandit the raccoon.
223
00:09:37,197 --> 00:09:41,057
He's so... I'm... Okay, um...
[INHALES SHARPLY]
224
00:09:41,097 --> 00:09:42,477
Did you make your hat?
225
00:09:43,168 --> 00:09:44,338
It is handcrafted.
226
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,616
-It's, um...
-Did you make your hat, sir?
227
00:09:46,655 --> 00:09:48,515
My family did. My family.
228
00:09:48,553 --> 00:09:50,623
I feel like you're dodging
the question.
229
00:09:50,659 --> 00:09:52,349
This is hard-hitting
journalism.
230
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,494
Did you or did you not
make that hat?
231
00:09:54,524 --> 00:09:56,604
No, it was handed down
by my grandfather.
232
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,530
Okay.
233
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:59,012
You heard it here first, folks.
234
00:09:59,046 --> 00:10:01,316
His grandfather
is a hand-me-down.
235
00:10:01,359 --> 00:10:04,849
Welcome. I'm Ian Abramson
to Gary Busey's pet court.
236
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:05,980
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
237
00:10:11,024 --> 00:10:12,544
Oh, hello.
238
00:10:12,577 --> 00:10:15,027
Can I ask you
about your case, sir?
239
00:10:15,856 --> 00:10:16,816
Yeah.
240
00:10:16,857 --> 00:10:18,997
Okay. How was your case?
241
00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:21,480
It was all right.
242
00:10:21,517 --> 00:10:23,477
Oh, good. How are... Um...
243
00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:27,869
Okay, well. Did you like
how Gary Busey said
yes or no to you?
244
00:10:27,903 --> 00:10:31,013
Gary Busey was real
nice and everything
245
00:10:31,044 --> 00:10:35,644
and he tried to see everybody's
side of the story...
246
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:36,979
[SIGHS]
247
00:10:37,015 --> 00:10:42,775
But when God created
Adam and Eve,
248
00:10:42,814 --> 00:10:45,714
he created them
in his likeness.
249
00:10:45,748 --> 00:10:47,748
Now when you take
a raccoon, now...
250
00:10:48,544 --> 00:10:51,034
that looks like a bandit,
251
00:10:51,064 --> 00:10:54,034
'cause it's got that mask
on its face,
252
00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:57,825
and then
you cut off its legs
253
00:10:57,864 --> 00:11:01,014
and you put on
some motorized wheels on it
254
00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:03,419
to make it look like
a car or something.
255
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,525
This happened in the Bible?
256
00:11:05,906 --> 00:11:07,176
No.
257
00:11:07,218 --> 00:11:09,428
That's exactly why
258
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,711
this whole case
is an abomination.
259
00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:14,740
Now, Gary Busey...
Gary Busey, pet judge,
was nice...
260
00:11:17,366 --> 00:11:21,436
but the whole situation
was an abomination.
261
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,233
You don't see this?
262
00:11:23,268 --> 00:11:26,268
I'm just confused
on some facts.
263
00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:28,446
Was there somebody named Adam
264
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,100
that had robot legs?
Like what?
265
00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:33,728
Okay, did I watch
the right...
266
00:11:33,762 --> 00:11:34,762
[WHISPERS] Read your Bible.
267
00:11:35,902 --> 00:11:37,462
Well, okay, um...
268
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,599
I hope that you
get a new raccoon
269
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:43,880
that has human legs
or whatever you're looking for.
270
00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:46,290
I'm Ian Abramson
271
00:11:46,326 --> 00:11:50,606
and we're gonna have
more Gary Busey's pet court.
272
00:11:53,298 --> 00:11:54,608
[TYPEWRITER CLICKING]
273
00:11:54,644 --> 00:11:58,104
HOST: He claims a kennel
turned his dog girly.
274
00:11:59,339 --> 00:12:02,069
She says
that's just not possible.
275
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,310
Judge Gary will man up
with a verdict.
276
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:05,594
MIKE: All rise
277
00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:09,311
for the Honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.
278
00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:12,154
You may be seated.
279
00:12:14,285 --> 00:12:16,145
All right, here we are.
280
00:12:16,183 --> 00:12:18,533
Guess something about
barking a dog and...
281
00:12:19,462 --> 00:12:21,152
attitude
of the dog's accent.
282
00:12:21,188 --> 00:12:23,118
Lazarus let's start with you.
283
00:12:23,156 --> 00:12:24,846
-Yes.
-Explain your story, sir.
284
00:12:26,297 --> 00:12:27,637
I left my dog, Terror.
285
00:12:27,677 --> 00:12:28,777
You left it where?
286
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:30,467
I left my dog, Terror.
287
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:32,987
His dog's name is Terror.
288
00:12:33,028 --> 00:12:34,408
-LAZARUS: Yeah.
-His dog's a tailor?
289
00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:36,273
Terror.
290
00:12:36,307 --> 00:12:38,587
Does he knit the clothes
for other dogs?
291
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:39,859
I left the dog with her,
292
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:43,451
the dog boarder,
and come to find out
293
00:12:43,486 --> 00:12:47,076
my dog had been in the play pen
with other dogs,
294
00:12:47,111 --> 00:12:48,801
like French poodles.
295
00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:50,697
And now he's like a...
[BARKS MEEKLY]
296
00:12:50,735 --> 00:12:52,355
Now, he's barking like that.
297
00:12:52,392 --> 00:12:55,842
Okay, so you're upset
the dog is effeminate?
298
00:12:55,878 --> 00:12:57,158
Yup. Yup.
299
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:58,780
French sounding, it is, woof.
300
00:12:59,226 --> 00:13:00,536
His bark.
301
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:01,922
Woof, wiff-wiff, woof.
302
00:13:01,953 --> 00:13:04,373
-It's like...
-French sounding is like what?
303
00:13:04,404 --> 00:13:06,484
Can you imitate
the French sounding bark?
304
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:10,165
Bow. Woof. Err.
305
00:13:10,686 --> 00:13:12,646
Yeah.
306
00:13:12,688 --> 00:13:14,788
-That's it. It's like that.
-Boy, you sound like a bug
is biting you on the butt.
307
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,378
-LAZARUS: It's like...
-[IMITATES SOFT BARKING]
308
00:13:16,416 --> 00:13:17,586
[LAZARUS BARKS MEEKLY]
309
00:13:18,659 --> 00:13:19,829
It's bad, Judge.
310
00:13:19,868 --> 00:13:21,658
I can't even look at him
in the eyes anymore.
311
00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:22,727
I don't know what to think.
312
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:25,107
Look. Let me explain
something to you.
313
00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:29,019
The French language
is one of the most romantic
languages in the world.
314
00:13:29,049 --> 00:13:31,849
I have a picture here of my
great, great, great uncle.
315
00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:34,850
That's Claude Debussy.
316
00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:37,023
My name Busey comes
from that name.
317
00:13:37,057 --> 00:13:38,467
He was a classical pianist
318
00:13:38,507 --> 00:13:40,647
who wrote a great song
called, Claire de Lune,
319
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:44,551
which is a love story
about people in the moon.
320
00:13:45,169 --> 00:13:46,309
Great, great.
321
00:13:46,342 --> 00:13:48,032
French language
is very beautiful.
322
00:13:48,689 --> 00:13:52,139
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
323
00:13:52,176 --> 00:13:55,006
I just told you, the blue pig
is eating garbage,
324
00:13:55,041 --> 00:13:58,081
but doesn't it sound
wonderful and romantic?
325
00:13:58,113 --> 00:14:00,563
French language is beautiful.
326
00:14:00,598 --> 00:14:04,188
So where are our boats
crashing together here?
327
00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:07,255
GILLI: Thank you, sir.
328
00:14:07,294 --> 00:14:09,164
I don't believe that I have
any fault at all
329
00:14:09,193 --> 00:14:10,233
in what he's claiming.
330
00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:11,993
I took great care of Terror.
331
00:14:12,023 --> 00:14:13,543
Terror is a wonderful dog.
332
00:14:13,576 --> 00:14:15,746
He came to me
a wonderful dog.
333
00:14:15,785 --> 00:14:17,435
I've been running
my boarding facility
334
00:14:17,477 --> 00:14:19,757
Breakfast at Sniffany's
for a very long time now.
335
00:14:19,789 --> 00:14:21,789
I have had zero complaints.
336
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,616
Frankly, a French accent,
337
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:26,685
I agree, is a beautiful thing
and we should be so lucky.
338
00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:28,897
Too bad
dogs don't have accents.
339
00:14:28,937 --> 00:14:32,077
I'm sorry, there is no
regional dog language.
340
00:14:32,112 --> 00:14:34,362
It's all bark, woof, bork...
341
00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:35,700
Well, listen,
I need to interrupt you,
342
00:14:35,736 --> 00:14:37,566
but I don't hate it
because I love to.
343
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,090
Here's what I have to say.
344
00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:40,879
You said
dogs can't have accents?
345
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,474
I don't believe so, sir.
346
00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:46,782
They can't influence other dogs
vocalization patterns?
347
00:14:46,816 --> 00:14:51,056
I really think there's just
woof and that's international.
348
00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:52,617
Woof. That's it?
349
00:14:53,858 --> 00:14:56,548
[BARKS AGGRESSIVELY]
350
00:14:56,585 --> 00:14:58,895
I grew up in Texas
and Oklahoma. I love dogs.
351
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,970
[GARY BARKS]
352
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:02,833
And their barks, to me,
353
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,457
are those dogs telling me
they love me.
354
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,870
Even if they're mad,
I know they still love me.
355
00:15:08,493 --> 00:15:09,943
Hmm.
356
00:15:09,978 --> 00:15:12,428
You offered a free week
of boarding for compensation?
357
00:15:12,463 --> 00:15:13,673
Yes, I did.
358
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:16,945
He wrote a very damaging
Yelp review on my page
359
00:15:16,985 --> 00:15:18,255
-saying that...
-Oh, yeah.
360
00:15:18,296 --> 00:15:21,326
...I was culturally
reprogramming dogs
361
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:22,648
at Breakfast at Sniffany's
362
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,750
and I am, of course,
not doing that.
363
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:27,475
Okay, I want an example
364
00:15:27,512 --> 00:15:30,962
of the new ladylike bark.
365
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:33,833
Give me that.
366
00:15:35,693 --> 00:15:37,423
-Lazarus?
-Okay.
367
00:15:37,453 --> 00:15:39,013
It sounds like this.
368
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,324
[IMITATES WHIMPERING DOG]
369
00:15:53,021 --> 00:15:54,541
It's sad, Judge.
370
00:15:54,574 --> 00:15:57,614
It sounded like a blue jay.
Little bird with a long tail.
371
00:15:57,646 --> 00:15:58,986
Mike, can you get the dog?
372
00:15:59,027 --> 00:16:00,167
I wanna hear the dog.
373
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,550
I hope so.
374
00:16:01,581 --> 00:16:03,201
MIKE: Took the dog's balls.
375
00:16:04,239 --> 00:16:06,029
[SIGHS]
376
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:09,178
GARY: You know these pets
are gonna rise in revolt?
377
00:16:09,209 --> 00:16:11,519
And there's no way
to prepare for that.
378
00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:13,866
If you think
you can prepare for that,
379
00:16:13,903 --> 00:16:15,283
well, go ahead and do it.
380
00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:18,219
But when the pet rises
and revolts on you,
381
00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:23,024
you better hope you have
an extra packet
382
00:16:23,051 --> 00:16:24,501
of Kibbles N' Bits.
383
00:16:25,536 --> 00:16:28,016
-That'll work.
-Yeah.
384
00:16:28,056 --> 00:16:31,296
Okay, got the dog?
There she is.
385
00:16:31,335 --> 00:16:32,335
Hey, buddy.
386
00:16:33,889 --> 00:16:35,199
Hey, little bud.
387
00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:38,651
[CHUCKLES]
388
00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:39,897
Pretty dog.
389
00:16:39,929 --> 00:16:40,999
He doesn't have a bark though.
390
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:43,383
-He what?
-He doesn't bark.
391
00:16:43,416 --> 00:16:44,726
Like he's supposed to.
392
00:16:45,245 --> 00:16:46,105
[BARKS]
393
00:16:47,454 --> 00:16:48,394
[BARKS]
394
00:16:49,077 --> 00:16:50,007
[DOG BARKS]
395
00:16:50,423 --> 00:16:51,943
There.
396
00:16:51,976 --> 00:16:55,356
Now that is not French,
that's not...
397
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:58,093
[WHINING]
That's not like that.
398
00:16:58,534 --> 00:16:59,544
[BARKS]
399
00:16:59,570 --> 00:17:00,610
[BARKS]
400
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,540
Yeah!
401
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:05,063
I'm communicating
with dog communication.
402
00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:06,606
[BARKS]
403
00:17:07,198 --> 00:17:08,438
[BARKS]
404
00:17:08,475 --> 00:17:11,375
If I heard a dog like that
bark at me,
405
00:17:11,409 --> 00:17:12,649
I'd stop where I am.
406
00:17:15,448 --> 00:17:16,408
Um...
407
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,700
That dog does not look
superficially male.
408
00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:24,041
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
409
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,417
You know, that dog
is completely...
410
00:17:26,459 --> 00:17:29,189
He's feminine, Judge,
and his bark was ferocious.
411
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:30,770
It was way bigger than that.
412
00:17:30,808 --> 00:17:32,218
-I mean, you could hear him
on the street.
-[GARY BARKS]
413
00:17:32,258 --> 00:17:33,638
[DOG BARKS]
414
00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:35,613
-It was like...
-See, he's talking louder
than you.
415
00:17:37,263 --> 00:17:38,783
-No.
-He's barking louder than you.
416
00:17:38,816 --> 00:17:40,536
His bark was like this,
his bark was like...
417
00:17:40,576 --> 00:17:42,716
Woof! That's how it was.
Ain't that right?
418
00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:44,721
See, now look at him now.
See, look.
419
00:17:44,753 --> 00:17:45,723
Well, you should be happy
420
00:17:45,754 --> 00:17:47,204
you got both cakes
going at once.
421
00:17:47,238 --> 00:17:49,828
-[DOG BARKS]
-Okay, we got the dog bark.
422
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:52,001
Take him out
of the court room, please.
423
00:17:52,036 --> 00:17:54,586
Go ahead, Mike. Get him out.
Don't let the dog bite you.
424
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,135
Please, please don't.
425
00:17:56,178 --> 00:17:59,318
Keep your pants up high
and your socks are tight.
426
00:17:59,354 --> 00:18:02,224
Well, look at these
intake forms.
427
00:18:02,253 --> 00:18:05,013
GARY: Wait a minute here.
The dog's just been fixed?
428
00:18:06,050 --> 00:18:07,640
Yes, we gave him
special care
429
00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,162
because he had just
come out of surgery.
430
00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:10,921
Why'd the dog
get fixed, Lazarus?
431
00:18:10,951 --> 00:18:13,581
He was humping everything
in sight and he...
432
00:18:13,609 --> 00:18:15,959
almost broke
the laundry basket.
433
00:18:15,991 --> 00:18:18,131
I've found a note here that...
434
00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:21,576
Terror's favorite post exercise
recovery drink is soy milk.
435
00:18:21,617 --> 00:18:24,027
We also offer almond milk.
436
00:18:24,068 --> 00:18:26,478
Did you know
that soy milk is estrogenic?
437
00:18:27,002 --> 00:18:28,182
Now I do.
438
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:30,180
You must respect
the integrated system
439
00:18:30,212 --> 00:18:32,042
or face consequences.
440
00:18:32,076 --> 00:18:33,456
That's all there is to it.
441
00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:36,011
Everything in life is gonna
bring you a consequence.
442
00:18:36,045 --> 00:18:38,145
Whether you like it or not.
443
00:18:38,186 --> 00:18:41,146
And when you choose a behavior
you choose a consequence.
444
00:18:41,189 --> 00:18:44,809
The point is to love your dog,
not for the force of his words,
445
00:18:45,296 --> 00:18:46,706
[BARKS]
446
00:18:46,746 --> 00:18:48,916
but for the size of his heart.
447
00:18:50,888 --> 00:18:53,548
That's the proper way
to love a dog
448
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,170
or love anybody you're with.
449
00:18:56,204 --> 00:18:58,174
You can love people
you don't even know.
450
00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:02,136
It's the size of the heart
that makes the love work.
451
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:04,937
I rule in favor
of the defendant.
452
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:07,080
Pet justice!
453
00:19:09,769 --> 00:19:10,699
Thank you.
454
00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:11,695
Now get out.
455
00:19:11,736 --> 00:19:15,286
-I'm okay.
-You don't want a hug?
456
00:19:15,326 --> 00:19:18,186
I'd rather not, but thank you
so much for the offer.
457
00:19:18,226 --> 00:19:21,636
Well, there's two peoplewho didn't have clean underwear.
458
00:19:21,677 --> 00:19:23,397
I can't say they
hugged each other.
459
00:19:23,438 --> 00:19:25,538
Anyway pet justice! Ha!
460
00:19:26,441 --> 00:19:28,651
Okay, here we go again.
461
00:19:28,684 --> 00:19:32,314
Hello. Congrats on your win
for the pet.
462
00:19:32,343 --> 00:19:35,383
Thank you.
This was all really intense.
463
00:19:35,415 --> 00:19:38,345
I'm very glad that it
worked out this way though.
464
00:19:38,384 --> 00:19:40,184
Yeah, so...
465
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,423
I know that the dog
wasn't more feminine.
466
00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:45,047
Do you think that
it was more masculine?
467
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,010
The dog is very healthy.
468
00:19:47,047 --> 00:19:48,907
He's very happy.
469
00:19:48,946 --> 00:19:52,916
Judge Gary Busey
was incredibly kind and firm
470
00:19:52,950 --> 00:19:54,680
and sexy when he spoke French.
471
00:19:54,710 --> 00:19:56,330
So I'm calling this a victory.
472
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:59,817
That's great. I'm glad
that you found him to be firm.
473
00:20:02,546 --> 00:20:06,756
What does that mean
in this context?
474
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:10,281
I did not put my hands
on him and feel him,
475
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:11,868
if that's what you mean.
476
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,280
He's not like tactile firm.
477
00:20:14,316 --> 00:20:15,626
More his attitude.
478
00:20:16,629 --> 00:20:18,079
He was direct.
479
00:20:19,632 --> 00:20:21,082
Great. Okay.
480
00:20:23,291 --> 00:20:26,231
I'm glad that you...
481
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:30,509
[EXHALES SHARPLY] won the...
It was a firm win?
482
00:20:31,851 --> 00:20:34,821
A very firm win. Yes, yes.
483
00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:37,201
Affirmative.
484
00:20:39,479 --> 00:20:40,449
Thanks.
485
00:20:44,657 --> 00:20:48,757
Okay, so,
you still have a dog, right?
486
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:53,111
Yeah, he's a dog all right.
Yeah.
487
00:20:53,148 --> 00:20:56,048
Do you still feel like
your dog is too feminine?
488
00:20:57,221 --> 00:20:58,601
He is feminine.
489
00:20:58,636 --> 00:20:59,906
There's no question about it.
490
00:20:59,948 --> 00:21:01,978
He's not the same dog anymore.
491
00:21:02,019 --> 00:21:04,819
Dog is feminine and they say,
life is a bitch, right?
492
00:21:04,849 --> 00:21:05,949
That's a bitch.
493
00:21:06,506 --> 00:21:07,366
Wow.
494
00:21:07,852 --> 00:21:10,102
Well, um...
495
00:21:10,130 --> 00:21:12,310
How are you going to adjust
496
00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:14,550
your life with your dog
from here?
497
00:21:16,136 --> 00:21:18,206
It's just not a dog anymore.
498
00:21:19,036 --> 00:21:20,516
I probably should get a cat.
499
00:21:21,349 --> 00:21:23,589
You want a masculine cat?
500
00:21:23,627 --> 00:21:25,177
Yeah, I had one at one time.
501
00:21:26,457 --> 00:21:28,317
He was very masculine.
502
00:21:28,356 --> 00:21:30,696
I'm all about
the masculinity.
503
00:21:30,737 --> 00:21:33,427
Yeah. Is that
just like a big buff cat?
504
00:21:33,464 --> 00:21:34,504
Big buff cat, yeah.
505
00:21:34,534 --> 00:21:35,984
They have 'em. Yeah.
506
00:21:36,018 --> 00:21:37,498
I need a buff cat.
507
00:21:37,537 --> 00:21:40,127
Yeah. How do you work out
your cat?
508
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,410
Very simple, very easy.
Push-ups.
509
00:21:44,579 --> 00:21:47,239
Cat push-ups.
You heard it here first.
510
00:21:47,271 --> 00:21:49,381
This is Ian Abramson
with Gary Busey
511
00:21:49,929 --> 00:21:52,099
on... Pet Court.
512
00:21:54,416 --> 00:21:55,936
Justice!
513
00:22:03,391 --> 00:22:05,501
Look at that one,
that's a stallion.
514
00:22:05,531 --> 00:22:07,021
[LAUGHS]
515
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:13,020
You know, those road apples
she described earlier
fall out and go, plop.
516
00:22:14,263 --> 00:22:15,713
And you don't want to ride
517
00:22:15,748 --> 00:22:19,678
too close behind a horse
that's letting out road apples
518
00:22:19,717 --> 00:22:23,097
because the gas that comes
with a road apple
519
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:26,484
can flatten a grown man
in three places.
520
00:22:26,517 --> 00:22:28,687
[LAUGHS]
521
00:22:30,935 --> 00:22:33,695
Okay, get the horses
out of here. Next case.
522
00:22:33,731 --> 00:22:35,111
Aye!
37471
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