Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: There's a new judge in town, the honorable Gary Busey.

He'll be hearing cases presented by animal owners

who have agreed to have their pet disputes settled here.

And there will be blood.

Get on your feet. It's Gary Busey, Pet Judge!

Pet justice!

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER She claims her neighbor's dog defecates on her yard.

They say it's other animals.

Judge Gary will sniff out the truth.

All rise for the honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

I like to welcome you all three to the court room

to find out what's going on and fix what's gone

on wrong to what's gonna be going on right.

-Thank you, Judge. -I'm very open to that

and I'll listen to everybody from my heart.

So, let's start with you, darling. Did you happen to...

-So... Sorry. -Can you tell me your story?

So, my neighbors allow their dogs to defecate

all over my yard, and they do not pick it up ever.

I've had friendly conversations,

I've had terse conversations with them.

I've put up signs, I've done everything in my power

while also respecting the safety of their dog.

And, um, it's ruining my life.

I just want to find a solution to this.

It's ruining your life in what way?

The poop from the dog?

Yes, Your Honor.

Does it splatter everywhere or just in...

You know, dogs, sometimes they have their

sniffing noses, and they go to the same place to poo.

Is this random poops or is it poop at that...

in the area they're used to?

Um, some of the defecation is strategic,

but otherwise, it's everywhere.

-It's wherever it can fit in. -It's in its underwear?

No, Your Honor, it's every...

-Everywhere. -Yes, Your Honor.

Okay. I didn't know the last time I saw a dog wearing underwear

but we'll get to that later.

Okay. You're upset about the dog pooping everywhere.

-That's correct. -On your property.

Correct.

This happens a lot?

This happens a lot.

Okay. Your story, please.

Your Honor, I just wanna say we have a great dog.

We've had that dog since he was ten years old.

We have trained him very well.

-He stays... -He's a purebred.

Do purebred dogs have a...

habit when they go to the bathroom?

Absolutely. You mentioned the strategic nature

of the pooping,

and we definitely find that

he goes in regular places at regular times during the day.

He is let out at specific times on a leash.

Now, occasionally, we do let him run

but his poop is found in the same spots

in our yard, and we are equally...

He loves... He loves my rose bushes.

He usually defecates by the rose bushes

because I believe he likes it to smell nice.

He's there all the time.

You know what's interesting about having a dog poop in the rose bushes?

You can walk over there and play Name That Smell.

Whether you smelling roses or smelling dog poop.

-Yeah. -MIKE: Good one.

Okay. Now then.

But I would also say there are a ton of other animals

in the neighborhood, other dogs, cats.

So, if you're looking specifically at our dog

I think, you know, she's trying to identify it based on,

obviously, Cooper is a larger dog,

she's trying to identify it based on the size.

-You want me to get the dog? -Oh, yeah!

Good, Mike, go get the dog.

I don't know where he's been kept, or why.

Why what?

Why he's been kept from his parents.

Whose parents?

Us. Oh, hello. [IN SING-SONG VOICE] Hello.

-Hello, my handsome boy. -Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Hi, mama's boy.

Who's the dog's parents?

-That would be us. -Right here, sir.

-That would be us, Your Honor. -No, you're not the dog's parents.

You don't carry dog's sperm, you don't have dog eggs.

So you can't produce a dog.

I'm unable to have my own children,

-so my dog is... -You're unable to have your own children?

-That's correct. -What was it like squirting that dog out?

JT: Well, he's adopted.

It's the same as if someone were to adopt a human child, Judge.

Cooper, darling, sit down.

It's okay. Take the dog out.

-Yes. -KARA: He's fine.

That's what he said.

Yeah, you take the dog out. The dog is on trial for his

incredible freedom of spreading his poop.

We just don't...

We just don't do that. That's not right.

Is it true that you left a bag of poop on the defendant's doorstep?

Yes, Your Honor, I left a bag of poop on their front door once.

-Only once. -What was the consistency of the poop?

Um, it was... It was a poop-like consistency.

-Poop-like. Poop-like. -Huh?

"Poop-like"? What's poop-like?

No, like, if...

That's like you get some oatmealand say, "What is that?That looks like poop."

Yeah, it's poop-like.

You don't wanna eat oatmeal that looks like poop.

-I'm sorry, Your Honor? -Okay.

I know you don't understand but this burden of proof is on you.

And that's a high wall to climb.

-Oh. -But you can do it.

You can do it, too, by understanding the balance

of dog poop in the right area.

In your area. That's where the dog lives.

That's where the dog, your child, the dog

has that love from you,

so you must love to see the dog poop in your yard.

Not take his poop to somebody else's yard.

Absolutely, Your Honor. We celebrate

his pooping in our yard as a sign that he is happy and healthy.

Yes. Yes.

Let's have the... Where's the bag of poop?

What?

I was told if I brought some in, someone could do a DNA sample.

That's the poop?

DEANNA: I have a...

Why don't you help her get the poop on the evidence table?

Mike.

This is not random animals.

I see the brands on the poop made by the scientists that checked it out.

It is your dog's poop.

And I can barely smell the scent

coming from this box.

But I don't wanna play Name The Smell with the dog poop, so

-you may return this to... -[SIGHS]

To the young lady.

There you go.

Canine poop. Dogs don't mind it.

Dogs smell dogs' poop and go, "Hey, I know this guy.

"I met him at a barbecue three weeks ago in Texas."

Maybe not.

But anyway, their poop doesn't offend them.

Poop from another dog onto the lady's yard offends her.

So, come here, buddy.

Yup, yup, yup.

Come on up here, buddy. Yeah.

-Wow. -Right here

is his coat.

We have a wire going through the coat and coming out here.

And this pulls the poop catcher

up under his anus.

Where the poop comes out.

So your dog can run wild in the streets everywhere.

Up alleys, down alleys in the yards.

And this poop catcher will catch his poop.

And then, when the dog comes home

you go, "Okay."

Stick it back in, send him off.

And you bury the poop.

This is what you're required to put on your dog now.

And I invented this. I'm very proud to be catching dog poop.

It's a great thing to feel that you're in control

of the produce your dog presents out of his anus.

It's fun.

When your dog poops in this thing, you got it.

"We got his poop. We're victorious."

Yeah, take this over, show it to them.

Keep your hand out of the dog poop catcher.

Your Honor, I'm going to have to check with our vet

-and our dog psychologist about wearing this. -No, no, no.

-I'm not sure we can do this. -JUDGE GARY: No.

No, no, that chat will not happen.

Run the wire up under the coat.

That seems unsafe. That's gonna jab him in the...

KARA: We don't have holes large enough in our yard

to bury all of the excrement.

Okay, I have a new verdict.

I'm fining you both $2,500.

For disparaging the court and going against

the words and the honor and the judgment of this judge, Gary Busey.

It doesn't work that way.

The more you bicker and feud and bitch,

the deeper the hole you will be digging for yourself.

-Yes, Your Honor. -Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE GARY: You're welcome.

Now get that poop contraption on your dog's butt

and you know who's gonna be really happy?

The dog!

-[GAVEL BANGS] -Pet justice!

-Okay, go ahead. -Honey, grab my bag.

-Um, what do I... -Eat it.

JUDGE GARY: No, you won't take that with you.

-KARA: Open the door. -I've got it.

Another friend of the court.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

Hi. How do you feel about the decision?

Um, honestly, relieved.

I feel like justice was served.

I can use my yard again.

My nephews can use my slip and slide without incident.

And, um... Oh, my gosh.

I can, like, finally deliver, like I have this huge tub of just excrement

and it doesn't have to live in my house anymore.

I can, like, give it back to them

and I don't have to think about this anymore. And it's...

You're gonna give excrement to your nephews?

-No. -That's good.

I'm glad that this all worked out

and that they're not gonna use that on your yard.

Thank you.

How was it with Gary Busey, the judge?

Oh, I mean, he was...

He was amazing. Um, he...

He listened, and he, like, listened deeper than listening

and he was just there and it was good.

He was there. That's good.

Okay. Well, I hope that you have

a problem with pets again soon

and that you have to come back.

[CHUCKLES] I hope not.

Well, okay then.

We enjoyed having you.

Have a good day.

Wow, more people to talk about...

To talk about the case.

How do you... You guys were just in there, right?

-Yes. -Were you at the front or sitting in the seat?

No, we weren't sitting... We were in the front...

-Yes. -We were just defending our dog.

We were brought to court by our uppity neighbor.

-Okay? -Yes.

Okay. And were you guys happy to be here today?

-No! -No, we weren't happy to be here today.

Did you see the thing he wants us to put on our dog?

I can't believe we even showed up here.

Some kind of weird contraption.

There's a cup underneath.

How's the dog supposed to run.

It looks like a measuring cup attached to a broken hangar.

It was a measuring cup, honey.

The cup, as in to have...

-Measuring cup? -I think it was a measuring cup.

That was a prototype. Obviously, he didn't go...

-That's disgusting. -I'm just saying.

-That's disgusting. -It is disgusting.

How would he want us to put that on our dog?

-I would not do that. -We're not going to put that on our dog.

I'm not putting it on Cooper.

We're not putting it on our dog, hon.

I can't tell if you guys like each other or not.

-We love each other very much. -We are madly in love.

That seems like a disagreement, too.

You seem like someone who's never been with a woman.

That's not a question.

-No. -It's not.

Well, then, I have nothing to answer.

-Let's get out of here. Where's Cooper? -Let's find our dog. Cooper.

I'm Ian Abramson. I've been with several women

and this is Gary Busey's Pet Court.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims her parrot destroyed his priceless memorabilia.

She says birds need to be free.

Judge Gary will fly in a verdict.

MIKE: All rise.

The honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

JUDGE GARY: Okay. You may sit down.

No, stand up again.

It's like watching flowers grow in a garden.

You people are beautiful. So, now you may be seated.

Wait! Okay, sit down.

Tell me your story, please.

Let me just preface this by saying

I'm a big fan of your work.

[CLEARS THROAT] Especially Piranha 3DD.

I met the defendant

when she was my reiki practitioner.

Um, and we developed a bond pretty quickly.

-What kind of a practitioner? -Reiki.

Ricky?

Yeah, I didn't know what it was either.

What is Ricky?

You know, to tell you the truth, Your Honor, I still don't know.

I know Ricky Ricardo.

And I know Ricki Lake.

But yeah, it was... I guess...

She talked a lot about my chakras.

-You know what I'm saying? -Rickey Henderson.

I know Ricky Paull.

Um, as I was saying, we developed a bond,

she told me many things about my aura.

And you know, eventually, we, uh...

we moved in together.

She convinced me that we should

get a parrot as a surrogate child, is the way she put it.

And, um, that's when things started to go south, Your Honor.

-Started to go where? -South.

And I don't mean Alabama.

It's a southern parrot?

No, it's just that

the parrot, let's just say did not respect my boundaries.

Well, you have to respect the parrot's boundaries first.

Well, I tried to,

but when you bring a parrot, for example,

into the bedroom, that's where I drew the line.

Why?

I didn't think that the parrot should be part of our sex life.

[SQUAWKS] Why can't I watch?

Parrots aren't part of your sex life.

Unless you shove them in the private places they don't belong.

Be that as it may, Your Honor,

the parrot also did quite a bit of damage to my...

I have a very extensive collection of movie memorabilia.

-Oh, good. -Yes.

Well, if the parrot's in the bedroom with you sleeping,

get the movie memorabilia out of it.

Oh, no, the movie memorabilia was in my study.

You don't have any of OJ's memorabilia, do you?

No. No, I don't.

I have some of yours, though, from Sharknado 4.

Oh.

But the point is that the defendant didn't believe

that the parrot should be in a cage. It believed...

She believed that the parrot should have free reign of the house.

And so, the parrot did a lot of damage to my personal belongings.

You must understand what her point of view is with her mindset.

A parrot lives in the jungle.

Your house is the jungle for the parrot, not you.

But if you wanna be with a parrot in the jungle, you have to learn to

make measurements and changes, and...

Your Honor, I live in Bel Air, not the jungle.

Bel Air's a different kind of jungle. That's a concrete jungle.

But inside the house,

you can put palm trees that aren't living.

You can put gray... I mean, vines

that the parrot can sit on.

You can put a fake stream in there.

Oh, we did a lot of that.

JUDGE GARY: That's all working for the parrot.

But you don't have the par... Parallel...

-Prerogative. -Parental bond

with the parrot that she does.

-Is that true, honey? -This is exactly true.

I would agree, Your Honor.

Can I hear you speak about his controlling actions

on what the parrot can do and what the parrot will not do?

Thank you, Your Honor.

As you can tell, the plaintiff is quite materialistic.

I brought this parrot in. It was a rescue.

And I wanted to providethe kind of life for this parrotthat it had never had before.

And so, I wanted it to feel at home and safe and secure

inside this little Bel Air abode.

That sounds like a good operative procedure in living together with a parrot.

What she wants for the parrot, what the parrot seems

to want naturally, and desire and require naturally.

Yeah.

I believe the parrot was also jealous of me, Your Honor.

What, jealous of you? You're a clown

-to the parrot. -Mmm.

And clown, I'm gonna take the letters to spell "Clown"

-and give you what clown really means. -Can't wait.

C-L-O-W-N

stands for creating laughter on Wednesday nights.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So what you wanna do is make that parrot understand that every night's Wednesday.

-Ah. -Parrots are funny, man.

They're funny.

They mainly fly around the room and poop in the air.

There's a great thing to get pink pong paddles,

and when the parrot's flying watch him fly.

Get the ping pong paddle out and, whoo,

-catch that poop. -[CHUCKLES] That's crazy.

That way you got poop on the ping pong paddle, go to the bathroom,

turn on the water... [MIMICS WATER SPRAYING]

Wash the poop off,

and got a clean ping pong paddle and there's no parrot poop on the floor.

There's all kinds of ways to live with a parrot.

-RICHARD: Wow. -Absolutely.

I hadn't considered that, Your Honor.

Well, good.If you consider that, let it be.

Richard, what is your occupation?

I'm a film producer, Your Honor.

-You produce films? -I have.

What kind?

Money making films.

Okay, are you in the pornographic industry?

-I am not, Your honor. -Okay.

Mmm-hmm.

I got a film that I think of as a money maker.

And it's science fiction.

Perhaps, we can take a meeting.

When this is over.

-It's like a spaceship lands on your neighborhood. -Or not.

But it doesn't look like a spaceship.

-It looks like a big house. -Not now.

And when you walk in the house, there's no gravity.

So you walk in and immediately

start floating around.

-Like a bird. -Like a bird!

Continue. My head's exploding.

This isn't the last time. Or will it be the last time your head explodes?

Anyway, this movie, this apartment, everything's no gravity.

You go in the apartment and your shape changes

to where you have six legs, six arms.

And you just can reach and grab anything and walk really faster.

You know, and it turns out you can clean that whole apartment in two minutes.

Because you have so much appendages

to reach out with your legs and kicking,

shine and shoot and pop.

And that will make you the king of all apartments

ever invented in time on Earth

or any other planets in this atmosphere.

That is it.

And I can see... I can see insects

that are as big as limos.

They're coming up and down the street.

You have to be nice to them, you've to feed them certain stuff like oil

and tartar, steak tartare.

I'm not sure about that.

We'll have to get into thatwith the creative graphic designpeople on the show

and show the audience what the animals eat.

Right, right. I'd watch that.

Now, that is going to be

an incredible movie, especially

when it cuts to black

and Asia's Heat Of The Moment starts playing.

That joy you'll receive from the melody

and the notes will take you to a place

where I've already created telling you where you'll be in the apartment.

It's the power of the mind!

Power of the mind is wonderful.

And the parrot has a mind.

But it's all stationary, located only with and about the parrot.

You gotta give that parrot freedom.

The parrot has freedom.

Okay.

That's a great movie idea.

Let's have a hand. Let's have a hand for the movie idea.

-[ALL CLAPPING] -[JUDGE GARY WHISTLES]

Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. -MIKE: Romance. Romance.

What do you think about the movie?

Oh, uh...

-What do I think? [CHUCKLES] -This is better.

How do you feel about the movie?

What is the feeling that the movie makes you think in terms of making the movie?

To go to theaters, have a premier?

And have the red carpet.

Yeah. It's...

And get people off the street and skid row to go down the carpet.

Then you'll have a real conglomerate of the human race.

I'm gonna say without a shred of doubt

that is a concept.

It's a great concept.

But what we do with the concept is like the yolk of an egg.

And you can take the yolk of an egg and make it scrambled,

poach it, Eggs Benedict.

Throw 'em at people, eat 'em raw.

Add salt, add salsa, add cottage cheese.

An egg yolk, there's 360 ways to eat an egg yolk.

Theaters.

If you put the egg yolk in the center of a circle

and move around that circle one degree at a time,

you'll see that same egg yolk from 360 perspectives.

So, there's so many ways to see the parrot

in 360 perspectives.

You wanna see it? Wanna go see the parrot?

-No. They have the parrot here? -They have it.

Oh, yeah. Bring it out here. Thank you very much.

Get out and get the parrot.

You're gonna love him.

-I already do. -Yeah.

You guys think alike.

I was once a parrot, pirate, in a past lifetime.

-I had parrots on my show. -Sure. I can see that.

I'll tell you what's fun

is drop a parrot in your pants...

[CHUCKLES]

...when you're itching and you have nits.

Nits.

And that parrot will go... [MIMICS PARROT NIBBLING]

and clean you off.

-[SIGHS] Fascinating. -You got a working parrot.

This parrot can be working for you in many ways.

What the parrot can do with his beak and his wings and his feet

it can really give you funny massages.

-Especially with its feet on your back. -This is true. Yeah.

You gotta watch out for the feet with your genitalia.

But we won't go any further there.

-Yeah, that's a good idea. -Okay, where's the parrot?

[WHISTLING]

[SQUAWKS]

Toucan Sam in the house.

-Hi, gorgeous. -JUDGE GARY: There he is.

Look at that beautiful red bird.

[WHISTLES AND SQUAWKS]

-[WHISTLES AND SQUAWKS] -ELISABETH: You can say hi.

[IN SQUAWKY VOICE] I'm pretty. I'm pretty bird.

I'm a very pretty bird.

It's working.

You might wanna cover any important papers.

He likes to mark them.

Well, your opinions are out of this case right now.

-That parrot's a champion. -ELISABETH: Yes.

What's the parrot's name?

Birdy Madoff.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, wait a minute. Did I hear that right? Did you say

Birdy Madoff?

Yes, sir, Your Honor.

Does the parrot have a natural scheme to take your money?

I think the bird has a natural ability to take your heart.

Oh, that's a good answer.

Birdy Madoff.

That is the best animal name I have ever heard.

The case is over.

-I rule in favor of the parrot. -[GASPS]

-[GAVEL BANGS] -Pet justice!

Yeah!

Congrats, baby. We did it.

We did it.

That parrot... Do you sleep with the parrot?

-Of course. -Oh.

What part of the bed does the parrot stay on?

Right by my head.

Well, that's sounding romantic already.

She watches over my dreams.

JUDGE GARY: She does?

ELISABETH: No nightmares.

JUDGE GARY: No nightmares.

Ya-ha! Pet justice. [SQUAWKS]

There you go.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Hi. Wow. How do you feel about

how Judge Gary Busey,

uh, ruled your parrot?

I feel very satisfied.

I feel like there was really only one way

the verdict could've gone for me and Birdy.

So just to be clear, you named your bird "Birdy"?

Birdy Madoff, yes.

Oh. So that'd be like naming a person Manny.

I guess that is a name. Wow.

We sure do learn a lot here sometimes.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, thank you very much for coming

on Pet Court with Judge Gary Busey.

And I hope that you and your parrot learn a lot of new words.

Thank you.

Okay. The other...

The other parrot person, how do you feel?

The plaintiff actually, but yeah.

Isn't it pronounced "Parrot"?

[CHUCKLES] You can pronounce it however you want.

I did.

I'm relieved is how I feel.

I feel this... It was the perfect judge for this case.

Yeah. There is a lot of judges in the world,

but I think that Judge Gary Busey,

uh, who specializes in pets is the best.

The parrot's actually the victor in this case.

The parrot's name is Victor? She said it was named Birdy.

Yeah. I know she did. And it is.

But if you listen,

if you play back the replay of the judgment,

the judgment was awarded to the parrot, not to me.

Okay. Is the parrot's name Victor or is it Manny?

Yes.

Wow. I am Ian Abramson,

and that was Gary Busey's pet court.

Justice!

[IN SQUAWKY VOICE] Hello.

[JUDGE GARY WHISTLING]

I'm a pretty, pretty bird.

[WHISTLES]

It's hearing me. He knows what I'm saying.

-ELISABETH: Yes, he does. -The parrot does.

-You're very good. -Thank you.

[WHISTLES]

Loved your movie.

Okay.

This is the epitome of pet justice being done.

Yeah.

Pet justice.

[GAVEL BANGS]