Original subtitles

SHADOE STEVENS: What you're about to witness is real.

The participants are litigants with actual pet problems.

Both parties of the suit have agreed to dismiss their cases

and have their disputes settled here in our court

by Gary Busey, Pet Judge.

Pet justice!

[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SHADOE: He wants their cat to have a Viking funeral.

She wants their cat buried in the family's pet mausoleum.

Judge Gary will decide.

All rise for the Honorable Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Bill and Jaclyn.

-Bill? -Yes, sir.

I'd like to hear from you

about what this altercation is about.

Uh, it would be my pleasure, Judge Busey.

Jaclyn and I have had a cat for a couple of years.

Um, Mousey Tongue.

Mousey Tongue?

We enjoy the occasional pun.

Are you people communists?

-Maybe punionists, if anything. -GARY: What?

-We do a lot of puns. -And I am actually, sort of, an involuntary Presbyterian.

But, I digress. Um...

What is a pun? That's like a verbal pimple on your face, isn't it?

Well, or it's just a play on words.

-JACLYN: Yeah. -Right now, we're in a situation with a cat,

and it's an absolute, uh, catastrophe.

[CHUCKLES]

-GARY: Oh! -[BILL CHUCKLES]

You two are very much in love, aren't you?

-BILL: Yes, yes. -JACLYN: Hmm. Sure.

BILL: And we... And we will continue to be in love,

but we have reached,

Judge Busey, what I would describe as,

we've come to a loggerheads with what to do

with the remains or the body of Mousey Tongue.

Though I am not of Scandinavian descent,

and don't know as much as I could

about Norse mythology,

I wanted to have Mousey Tongue buried at sea, so to speak.

I have a... I was thinking Viking funeral, Judge Busey.

And from... I think, from a ritualistic standpoint,

you'll appreciate what I've got...

Now, admittedly, this is a one-tenth model, and the ship...

Bailiff, could you get the ship for me?

-BILL: Yeah. -GARY: I want to see that ship up close.

Judge Busey, it's gonna...

It's gonna end up being a lot bigger.

That's just a one-tenth scale, as I say.

That's some pretty meticulous work.

So, the Viking ship's gonna be about this big?

Yes, sir, 'cause the cat's about this big

and the ship's gonna be about this big.

We have a pond adjacent to our gated community,

and I wanted to put the cat in the ship,

light that on fire and, um, send it out to the pond,

so to speak.

Have you looked into the FDA

to see if this is a healthy response

for the people who use the pond

for looking, or swimming, or fishing, or drinking?

Well, we got the okay from Carl,

who's the groundskeeper at the gated community.

-Carl is groundskeeper? -Yes, sir.

-He's great. -BILL: He's great.

Large and in charge, but...

He sounds like a garden clown.

You know, I certainly wouldn't say that to his face,

but, admittedly, he has a lot of personality, Judge Busey.

Well, you have to say... Whenever you have to say something to somebody,

you have to make them feel good in what you're saying,

and give them the feeling that they thought of it first.

-[WHISPERING] Wow! -BILL: That's very...

GARY: You can be a winner with

treating someone the way you want to be treated.

And we're... We're just huge fans.

-We're... -We are.

I go back to Oscar nominated, you know, The Buddy Hackett Story.

-It's you know... -Buddy Holly.

I'm sorry?

Buddy Holly, not Buddy Hackett.

Well, he had a guitar and you played the guitar and he had glasses.

Buddy Hackett had no guitar.

He got in a plane with Mickey Rooney

and flew through a billboard.

And it's a bad, bad, bad, bad moral.

Well, that's probably how he died and I...

GARY: Oh, no. That was the movie.

We were all taken care of safely.

BILL: All right, I stand corrected.

And Buddy Hackett's still with us.

[BILL SIGHS]

In fact, he's a valet

at the restaurant across the street called Chicken in the Rough.

Duly noted, sir.

-We'll have to go there. -If you park your car

he'll make sure the seats are polished.

So, when you put your rump in the seat,

you'll feel like you're on a magic carpet.

-Oh, wow. -It's a beautiful feeling.

-Your mausoleum. -JACLYN: Yes.

Let's get to the mausoleum.

Okay, I would like for Mousey Tongue

to be buried in the pet mausoleum

that my father and I made when I was five.

And here's a picture.

-You wanna... -MIKE: You see that, Judge?

Should he take it?

-Bring that up to me. -MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, um, it's a family tradition.

A family tradition.

And, it's a museum, if you will,

of all of our family pets.

-It's just what we do. -Is this something dear to your heart?

Yes.

Is this something dear to the cat's heart?

I think so, you know?

-Um... -You would know that. I think you would know.

-You know, I feel that. -You feel it. That's good.

-I do. -Um, do we have a picture of the cat?

-I got that. -Sure.

-[MIKE HUMMING A TUNE] -Good bailiff there.

He's on the job.

MIKE: Here you go, Judge.

Oh, wow! Look at that cat.

Boy or girl?

-He's a boy. -BILL: He's a he, sir.

Yeah. Oh, he looks...

-That's a great picture... -BILL: That is a mouser.

That's Mousey Tongue right there.

Admittedly, when he had more teeth at a younger age,

he was... He was catching a lot of rodents.

GARY: How old was the cat when he passed away?

-Ten. -Ten?

-BILL: Ten. -JACLYN: Mmm-hmm.

What's seven times ten? That's 70.

Yes.

He was 70 years old in human years,

but only ten in cat years.

Right. That is correct.

Okay, I got a question for you, Bill.

Why don't you honor your wife's mausoleum

[STAMMERS] wishes?

JACLYN: Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Judge Busey, I just question,

um, from an environmental standpoint,

um, and ecological standpoint.

That picture, I've actually seen it.

It's more of a toolshed.

It's just held together with duct tape and pegboard.

She carries that picture around

and that has a lot more granite

than the actual pet mausoleum that her and her father built.

-I see. -We're still working on it.

Well, have you tried to negotiate with your wife about

the importance of the Viking funeral for the cat?

Yes.

And how did that go? How did that go, dear?

[JACLYN SIGHS]

Listen, I understand. I know he's...

obviously put a lot of work into the boat

and the planning.

-I don't know. -BILL: I've been planning this for months.

I just feel like, from an environmental standpoint,

you know, a little bit of lighter fluid

and we set that thing afloat, on fire,

and it's going to be gone and no one is gonna be the wiser,

and it's going to be a beautiful, ritualistic affair.

He's like burning a cat in the water.

Water creates steam with fire.

It's a huge pond, though, Honorable Jud...

So you'll end up with steamy cat.

But just as quickly,

that little guy is just gonna sink and be gone.

And his little cat soul is gonna ascend to,

you know, wherever cats...

Okay, I see you have no harmony with her cat mausoleum.

Why is that?

[BILL SIGHS]

[STAMMERS] I wanna do what's right and ultimately, Judge Busey,

whatever you decide, I will abide accordingly.

And not just from a legal standpoint.

From a place of, you know, spirituality.

Okay. I think you should both reconsider.

And here's a good thing to reconsider.

Send the cat out in the Viking boat.

[IMITATES FIRE] Burn him up.

Put it out before he's gone completely,

and then take the remains of the cat and put it in the mausoleum.

And both of you are happy and the cat's really happy,

because you did what you feel the cat wanted you to do

and what you feel the cat wants.

When you do that, all you can say is,

"Go, cat, go!"

-"Go, cat, go!" I love that. -[BILL CHUCKLES]

You are having a Viking boat funeral for the cat...

and then put the remains of the cat's burned body in the mausoleum.

That way you're both happy. You're both sincerely,

uh, well with that.

Adjourned!

Pet justice! Yeah.

Thank you.

GARY: You'll find on your way outside, there'll be a little...

A little snack table out there.

Have some ham hogs and sauerkraut or whatever you like

to mix them with.

Pet justice. Yeah!

And here come the ligaments.

Hey. Hi.

How do you feel right now?

-We feel... We feel great! -Yes.

Gary was great. We love Gary.

He's very diplomatic.

He's... And made a lot of eye contact,

like sincere eye contact.

So, your favorite part was the eye contact of the decision?

Just Gary, in general.

I think he would've liked our... our cat.

-I think he would have liked, uh, Mousey Tongue. -Oh, yes.

How is your cat doing?

Very... Still dead.

-Still deceased, you know? -Yes.

Did you see any of the proceedings? You didn't...

I saw, yeah, I didn't listen.

Uh, so... what do you guys think you're gonna do next?

We're gonna go have a little, um, brunch at my parents' house.

Okay, and then you're gonna

burn your cat in a boat, right?

That's... Um, okay,

so, we're gonna put him in the boat and burn him

and then he's gonna go into the pet mausoleum

that... That my father and I made.

Great. Some cats get to end up in museums.

-I... -Mausoleums.

Uh, okay, some mausoleums get to end up in museums.

This has been Ian Abramson for Judge Gary Busey,

and you have witnessed pet justice.

Thank you.

SHADOE: She claims her dog

is the embodiment of her dead husband

and belongs on her health coverage.

He claims that's straight-up insurance fraud.

Judge Gary will have the final say.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Welcome to the courtroom today.

We have some very interesting casework going on here.

And I choose to be fair with everyone.

So, may we start with you, dear?

Where's my dog? I need my dog.

-Can we get the Pomeranian? -MIKE: I'll look that up.

Mike'll get it for you.

Well, Your Honor,

what happened was, my husband, Martin, died.

GARY: There's the Pomeranian. Look at that cute dog.

Oh, I know!

-Look at that cute, little fluffball. -Look at that cute dog.

This is the story of this dog,

because three days later,

this purebred Pomeranian wound up on my doorstep.

And I looked at this dog and I knew.

It's Martin!

So, we're here today

because Martin has a little ticker problem.

-And... -Martin? Is that your husband?

-It's both, because this is... -Both?

...the reincarnation of my husband.

And, okay... Hey, I have...

-Oh, my God! -Yes, darling.

Would you show the judge this?

But you can't miss it.

You can't miss it.

-Look. Look at the eyes. -Let's see that picture.

-MIKE: Here. -ANNA: Look at the eyes.

-Uh-huh. Yeah, right? -[GARY LAUGHS]

The dog just smiled at me.

ANNA: Yeah, well, yeah.

GARY: When a Pomeranian smiles at you,

it just means you just won something big.

-MIKE: They both smiled at you. -Yeah, yeah.

So, because he has a little heart problem,

I need insurance.

And I went to Pet Insurance

and they said, "Was there a predisposing condition?"

And I said, "Yes.

"It's a heart condition. It's been going on for 30 years,"

and they didn't even call back.

And, you know, getting health insurance for a dead person

is a bear!

Oh, it's pretty null and void.

-ANNA: Well, they wouldn't do it. -Yeah.

But he's not dead.

Is this dead? Does this look dead?

-Looks like a dog. -ANNA: No!

-Not yet. -ANNA: So, I work for Fred.

And I'm happy, Fred's happy. We get along.

And I've just become eligible for work insurance

that has spousal coverage, huh?

-You following me? You getting my drift? -Yeah.

-Well... -GARY: Spousal coverage?

-Yes! -You and the dog are not married.

-Well, we are! -GARY: Oh?

We had our honeymoon in Bakersfield.

You should have been there.

You got married in Bakersfield?

Well, we had our honeymoon in Bakersfield.

Did you see Buck Owens?

He's a Bakersfield biscuit boy.

-Really? -ANNA: Oh!

-Buck Owens. -Oh, yeah?

♪ All you gotta do is act naturally ♪

I've never heard of that one before.

-It's a good song. -One of his big hits.

So, I have brought... Because Fred,

with all due respect, has a very small mind.

He said I couldn't put Martin on the policy.

You feel like the spirit of your husband is in the Pomeranian?

I know it is.

Have you been to any shaman?

-Or any exorcist? -Well, I've been to two animal psychics.

One of them, Georgette [BEEP] channels a dead squirrel

and recognized him immediately.

A dead squirrel is channeling through that dog?

No, no, the psychic.

The psychic that I went to, like a shaman...

I mean, shaman, psychic, they're all similar,

and said absolutely unequivocally,

this is my dead husband.

Did you pay the psychic to say that?

I didn't pay her to say that. I paid her.

Okay... [STAMMERS]

She could have said anything she wanted.

Who? The dog or the psychic?

Well, either one of course, but...

Oh, I see.

You got a two-ring circus there going.

-No! Look, no! -Has the dog been

X-rayed to see any particles of your

dead husband's body in there?

He has six toes. Martin had six toes.

Your husband had a lot bigger lungs

than the dog has.

Well, he spoke in a little squeaky voice.

I don't know they were that much bigger, but...

Did he ever work at Disneyland?

He could have, he did not.

-GARY: Okay. That'd be a good place... -ANNA: Too late now.

...for a squeaky voice, ma'am.

They got thousands of mice there running crazy.

-They do run crazy. [IMITATES MICE] -MIKE: All over.

-ANNA: Good idea. -GARY: I love 'em. I love mice.

ANNA: Do you?

I like to dress them up in tuxedos and ballroom gowns

from the 20th centur...

-Aww! -Fifteenth century.

And put 'em up there and let 'em dance together.

But we're not talking about mice.

We're talking about your husband's soul.

Yes, we are.

Well, we've come to a point in the... In the trial

where I need to hear from you, Fred.

Thank you, Your Honor. Um, first of all,

I'm a big fan of all of your work.

Uh, "Utah, get me two," all of it.

I just am a huge fan.

-Um, second of all... -Thank you.

...I'm kind of surprised that we're spending this much time on this,

um, because it's a dog.

Um, a little background.

[STAMMERS] I run a small but thriving

kombucha and pressed juice business.

Uh, it's called Fred's Buch.

-What? -Fred's Buch.

-Buch? -Yeah, it's kombucha.

Kombucha.

That's what they... That's what they call it on the streets.

-Is that porn? -No.

No, I mean, you could probably use it in porn if you wanted to, but...

In what way would you use it in porn?

Uh, refreshment probably? I would imagine mostly.

Refreshments, okay, let's get away from porn.

That's not in the issue. We're not gonna talk about that.

-FRED: Yeah, I mean... -Porn is out.

Um, Anna has been working for me for about three months now.

She's... [STAMMERS] She's a fine employee,

she brings in a clientele

of an older generation and she does it very well.

Oh, older. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I mean, no offense, of course.

-GARY: We're all the same. -FRED: Yeah. Of course, yeah.

It's not the years, it's the mileage.

Well, I hired somebody who has...

more than a 100,000 miles then,

if we're going mileage then,

to bring in a different generation of clientele

that normally comes to my business.

And, um...

So you divide your product by generations as they come and go?

Uh, I'd see what markets aren't being tapped

and then I try to grab those markets that aren't being used.

Tap that!

FRED: Tap that.

You try to grab 'em or you are?

Um, I am with Anna's help.

So, try, T-R-Y.

-Mmm-hmm. -Those three words... Letters stand for

"Tomorrow's Really Yesterday."

Uh, I'll do it tomorrow.

Oh, should have done it yesterday. Try.

[IMITATES SPITTING] Get "try" out of your vocabulary.

-I just did it. I did it. -Just do it!

I did it.

We took care of it, and so, um...

Ah, the Pomeranian is really liking me.

-MIKE: Martin. -Martin?

-[MIKE CHUCKLES] -Thanks for the tip, Mike.

Anyways, Your Honor, um, I just... I'm not comfortable

with having a dog

on my human health insurance plan, so...

Why is that?

Because it's fairly illegal, um, for the most part,

and it's actually, I believe, insurance fraud.

And so, I'm not comfortable doing that,

not even for a fine employee like Anna.

-I'm just not comfortable... -She works for you.

Yeah, and I'm happy to have her work for me,

but I don't want to cover her dog

who probably won't see too many more miles.

You don't know that. You're not psychic.

Well, I'm not, but he has a heart condition

and dogs don't live that long anyway, so...

Bring that dog up to me.

-Mike? -ANNA: Yes, indeed.

[GARY BARKING]

Hey, buddy.

FRED: See, it's just a dog, Your Honor.

Oh! So handsome.

These are beautiful dogs, these Pomeranians.

-Yeah. -And the way the heart's beating,

the way the lungs are working,

the way the endocrine gland system is working...

Because I can feel all of that

through the thin skin of the dog with my left hand.

-Okay. -It's a great feeling.

-FRED: Great. -It's life.

And what comes with life?

Starts with an "L."

-Love. -Love.

-Love. -GARY: Loving life.

So sweet, so pure.

If I know anything about dogs,

it's dogs' souls.

And this dog, my friend, my lady,

is one of the brightest dog souls I've ever held.

No trace of a person's soul.

Your husband is not in the dog.

It's the dog 100%.

You're playing with a grieving process

and you've created a place for your husband's spirit to be,

and that's within the dog.

What about his heart?

-What about his heart? -It needs treatment!

Wasn't enough my husband was dead.

Now you want my dog dead.

You will have your dog dead if you keep thinking that way.

'Cause if you think negative, negative will come

and appear before you

and hit you in the face like a splatter board on the gut wagon.

ANNA: Oh.

Oh, a splatter board on a gut wagon

is not something you want to see up close.

-Mmm-hmm. -Or even smell.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Hi, buddy.

This is a beautiful dog.

But there's no person's soul in here.

[ANNA SIGHS]

-Here you go, Mike. Come and get him. -Yeah, yeah.

Good puppy. Good...

Yeah, look at that.

Dogs are so beautiful.

And they're so rich with what they have inside their body.

Although this body does not have a soul, spirit,

or any past regressions of your husband.

-Thank you. -GARY: Yeah.

And that kombuchi...

Uh, kombucha, yeah.

Kombucha?

Yeah, it's like a... It's fermented tea,

and it has a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast

that all mixes together.

That sounds like a deadly drink for death.

It's...

You drinking bacteria?

Uh, I don't. I don't actually. I don't.

Oh, you don't drink your own product?

No, it's not really for me.

Whoa, man, you are a great carnival barker then.

-Well, I... -Hey, we've got some kombuchi right here.

[IMITATES FRED] I've got some kombuchi for you and your young ones.

That doesn't really sound like me.

You step right up, give me a dime, one-tenth of a dollar

and the kombuchi is for you.

Doesn't really sound like me, Your Honor.

-Hey, take that advice. -[MIKE LAUGHS]

Take that advice.

I'll tell you, Anna, you have gone to so many pet psychics,

you've blown a lot of money,

and they're not giving you any reward.

So, I'm going to fine both plaintiff and defendant

$50 for dashing my hopes

and ruining my day.

So, pet justice!

You may leave through the back door

and get a snack on the treat plate.

And be kind to each other.

And understand, your dog is your dog,

not your husband's soul.

Okay, okay.

Um, thank you, Your Honor.

You're welcome.

I'll relish in that kombuchi now.

Pet justice!

Here comes the defendant now.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. How are you feeling after the court case?

Uh, I don't know. That was the court case?

It didn't feel anything like court at all, and, uh...

He's very relaxed in there.

Did you enjoy your verdict?

Not really. Nothing really got decided,

and then I got charged $50.

So, I didn't do anything. I don't know why

I should be charged $50.

Uh, I don't... What...

Can I go to a real court after this?

You just did. It's Gary Busey's Pet...

How are you feeling after the verdict?

I'm feeling fine. It's great.

-Oh, good. -Yeah, thanks.

-Do you have any... -Uh, I don't.

No.

[INHALES] Well...

I hope that you have a good...

Yeah, me too. Thanks.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

How does it feel to be a successful plantain in the case?

He's an idiot!

Look, my husband is in here.

Look at the eyes. Look at the eyes.

Did your husband have teeth that stick out of his mouth a little bit?

Yes!

I don't know why he didn't rule in favor of us.

Well, I don't...

Okay, we don't need to growl,

[STAMMERS] but, um...

Okay, I think that

Gary Busey does a really good job as a judge

and that he's a strong, powerful man.

Um, I have to agree with him.

And they pay you, don't they?

Well, I'm glad you enjoy your job,

but I've got to go find another judge.

Thank you for the compliment.

Oh, well.

[ANNA SCOFFS]

Well, this has been another successful verdict.

I am Ian Abramson,

and I'm with Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Justice!

I remember one time, my son walked up to me

in a Grim Reaper outfit...

[BILL CHUCKLES]

...when I was not feeling good.

And what he did,

he spun the sickle over his head

and a hand... The arm came up like this

with no hands sticking out.

He said, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Relax. It's not your time to go."

[BILL LAUGHS]

So, look at it this way, the cat lives forever.

Yay!

[BELL DINGS]

Justice.