All language subtitles for Gary Busey Pet Judge s01e01_English

SHADOE STEVENS:
What you're about to witness
is real.

The participants are litigants with actual pet problems.

Both parties of the suit
have agreed to dismiss
their cases

and have their disputes
settled here in our court

by Gary Busey, Pet Judge.

Pet justice!

[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SHADOE: He wants their cat
to have a Viking funeral.

She wants their cat buried in the family's pet mausoleum.

Judge Gary will decide.

All rise for the Honorable
Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Bill and Jaclyn.

-Bill?
-Yes, sir.

I'd like to hear from you

about what this altercation
is about.

Uh, it would be
my pleasure, Judge Busey.

Jaclyn and I have had a cat
for a couple of years.

Um, Mousey Tongue.

Mousey Tongue?

We enjoy the occasional pun.

Are you people communists?

-Maybe punionists,
if anything.
-GARY: What?

-We do a lot of puns.
-And I am actually, sort of,
an involuntary Presbyterian.

But, I digress. Um...

What is a pun?
That's like a verbal pimple
on your face, isn't it?

Well, or it's just
a play on words.

-JACLYN: Yeah.
-Right now, we're in
a situation with a cat,

and it's an absolute,
uh, catastrophe.

[CHUCKLES]

-GARY: Oh!
-[BILL CHUCKLES]

You two are
very much in love,
aren't you?

-BILL: Yes, yes.
-JACLYN: Hmm. Sure.

BILL: And we...
And we will
continue to be in love,

but we have reached,

Judge Busey, what I would
describe as,

we've come to a loggerheads
with what to do

with the remains
or the body of Mousey Tongue.

Though I am not
of Scandinavian descent,

and don't know
as much as I could

about Norse mythology,

I wanted to have Mousey Tongue
buried at sea, so to speak.

I have a... I was thinking
Viking funeral, Judge Busey.

And from... I think,
from a ritualistic standpoint,

you'll appreciate
what I've got...

Now, admittedly,
this is a one-tenth model,
and the ship...

Bailiff, could you get
the ship for me?

-BILL: Yeah.
-GARY: I want to see
that ship up close.

Judge Busey, it's gonna...

It's gonna end up being
a lot bigger.

That's just a one-tenth scale,
as I say.

That's some
pretty meticulous work.

So, the Viking ship's
gonna be about this big?

Yes, sir, 'cause the cat's
about this big

and the ship's gonna be
about this big.

We have a pond adjacent to
our gated community,

and I wanted to put
the cat in the ship,

light that on fire and, um,
send it out to the pond,

so to speak.

Have you looked into the FDA

to see if this is
a healthy response

for the people
who use the pond

for looking, or swimming,
or fishing, or drinking?

Well, we got the okay
from Carl,

who's the groundskeeper
at the gated community.

-Carl is groundskeeper?
-Yes, sir.

-He's great.
-BILL: He's great.

Large and in charge, but...

He sounds like a garden clown.

You know, I certainly wouldn't
say that to his face,

but, admittedly, he has
a lot of personality,
Judge Busey.

Well, you have to say...
Whenever you have to
say something to somebody,

you have to
make them feel good
in what you're saying,

and give them the feeling
that they thought of it first.

-[WHISPERING] Wow!
-BILL: That's very...

GARY:
You can be a winner with

treating someone
the way you want to
be treated.

And we're...
We're just huge fans.

-We're...
-We are.

I go back to
Oscar nominated, you know,
The Buddy Hackett Story.

-It's you know...
-Buddy Holly.

I'm sorry?

Buddy Holly,
not Buddy Hackett.

Well, he had a guitar
and you played the guitar
and he had glasses.

Buddy Hackett had no guitar.

He got in a plane
with Mickey Rooney

and flew through
a billboard.

And it's a bad, bad,
bad, bad moral.

Well, that's probably how
he died and I...

GARY: Oh, no.
That was the movie.

We were all taken
care of safely.

BILL: All right,
I stand corrected.

And Buddy Hackett's
still with us.

[BILL SIGHS]

In fact, he's a valet

at the restaurant
across the street called
Chicken in the Rough.

Duly noted, sir.

-We'll have to go there.
-If you park your car

he'll make sure
the seats are polished.

So, when you put your rump
in the seat,

you'll feel like you're
on a magic carpet.

-Oh, wow.
-It's a beautiful feeling.

-Your mausoleum.
-JACLYN: Yes.

Let's get to the mausoleum.

Okay, I would like
for Mousey Tongue

to be buried in
the pet mausoleum

that my father and I made
when I was five.

And here's a picture.

-You wanna...
-MIKE: You see that, Judge?

Should he take it?

-Bring that up to me.
-MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, um,
it's a family tradition.

A family tradition.

And, it's a museum,
if you will,

of all of our family pets.

-It's just what we do.
-Is this something dear
to your heart?

Yes.

Is this something dear
to the cat's heart?

I think so, you know?

-Um...
-You would know that.
I think you would know.

-You know, I feel that.
-You feel it. That's good.

-I do.
-Um, do we have a picture
of the cat?

-I got that.
-Sure.

-[MIKE HUMMING A TUNE]
-Good bailiff there.

He's on the job.

MIKE: Here you go, Judge.

Oh, wow! Look at that cat.

Boy or girl?

-He's a boy.
-BILL: He's a he, sir.

Yeah. Oh, he looks...

-That's a great picture...
-BILL: That is a mouser.

That's Mousey Tongue
right there.

Admittedly, when he had
more teeth at a younger age,

he was... He was
catching a lot of rodents.

GARY: How old was the cat
when he passed away?

-Ten.
-Ten?

-BILL: Ten.
-JACLYN: Mmm-hmm.

What's seven times ten?
That's 70.

Yes.

He was 70 years old
in human years,

but only ten in cat years.

Right. That is correct.

Okay, I got a question
for you, Bill.

Why don't you honor
your wife's mausoleum

[STAMMERS] wishes?

JACLYN: Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Judge Busey,
I just question,

um, from
an environmental standpoint,

um, and ecological standpoint.

That picture,
I've actually seen it.

It's more of a toolshed.

It's just held together
with duct tape and pegboard.

She carries
that picture around

and that has
a lot more granite

than the actual pet mausoleum
that her and her father built.

-I see.
-We're still working on it.

Well, have you tried to
negotiate with your wife about

the importance of
the Viking funeral
for the cat?

Yes.

And how did that go?
How did that go, dear?

[JACLYN SIGHS]

Listen, I understand.
I know he's...

obviously put a lot of work
into the boat

and the planning.

-I don't know.
-BILL: I've been
planning this for months.

I just feel like, from an
environmental standpoint,

you know, a little bit
of lighter fluid

and we set that thing afloat,
on fire,

and it's going to be gone
and no one is gonna be
the wiser,

and it's going to be
a beautiful,
ritualistic affair.

He's like burning a cat
in the water.

Water creates steam with fire.

It's a huge pond, though,
Honorable Jud...

So you'll end up with
steamy cat.

But just as quickly,

that little guy
is just gonna sink and be gone.

And his little cat soul
is gonna ascend to,

you know, wherever cats...

Okay, I see you have
no harmony with
her cat mausoleum.

Why is that?

[BILL SIGHS]

[STAMMERS]
I wanna do what's right
and ultimately, Judge Busey,

whatever you decide,
I will abide accordingly.

And not just from
a legal standpoint.

From a place of,
you know, spirituality.

Okay. I think you should
both reconsider.

And here's a good thing
to reconsider.

Send the cat out
in the Viking boat.

[IMITATES FIRE] Burn him up.

Put it out
before he's gone completely,

and then take the remains
of the cat and put it
in the mausoleum.

And both of you are happy
and the cat's really happy,

because you did
what you feel
the cat wanted you to do

and what you feel
the cat wants.

When you do that,
all you can say is,

"Go, cat, go!"

-"Go, cat, go!" I love that.
-[BILL CHUCKLES]

You are having
a Viking boat funeral
for the cat...

and then put the remains
of the cat's burned body
in the mausoleum.

That way you're both happy.
You're both sincerely,

uh, well with that.

Adjourned!

Pet justice! Yeah.

Thank you.

GARY: You'll find
on your way outside,
there'll be a little...

A little snack table
out there.

Have some ham hogs
and sauerkraut
or whatever you like

to mix them with.

Pet justice. Yeah!

And here come the ligaments.

Hey. Hi.

How do you feel right now?

-We feel... We feel great!
-Yes.

Gary was great.
We love Gary.

He's very diplomatic.

He's... And made
a lot of eye contact,

like sincere eye contact.

So, your favorite part
was the eye contact
of the decision?

Just Gary, in general.

I think he would've
liked our... our cat.

-I think he would have
liked, uh, Mousey Tongue.
-Oh, yes.

How is your cat doing?

Very... Still dead.

-Still deceased, you know?
-Yes.

Did you see any of the proceedings? You didn't...

I saw, yeah, I didn't listen.

Uh, so... what do you guys
think you're gonna do next?

We're gonna go have
a little, um, brunch
at my parents' house.

Okay, and then
you're gonna

burn your cat
in a boat, right?

That's... Um, okay,

so, we're gonna put him
in the boat and burn him

and then he's gonna go
into the pet mausoleum

that... That my father
and I made.

Great. Some cats get to
end up in museums.

-I...
-Mausoleums.

Uh, okay, some mausoleums
get to end up in museums.

This has been Ian Abramson
for Judge Gary Busey,

and you have witnessed
pet justice.

Thank you.

SHADOE: She claims her dog

is the embodiment
of her dead husband

and belongs
on her health coverage.

He claims that's
straight-up insurance fraud.

Judge Gary will have
the final say.

All rise for the Honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Welcome to
the courtroom today.

We have some very interesting
casework going on here.

And I choose to be fair
with everyone.

So, may we start
with you, dear?

Where's my dog?
I need my dog.

-Can we get the Pomeranian?
-MIKE: I'll look that up.

Mike'll get it for you.

Well, Your Honor,

what happened was,
my husband, Martin, died.

GARY: There's the Pomeranian.
Look at that cute dog.

Oh, I know!

-Look at that cute,
little fluffball.
-Look at that cute dog.

This is the story
of this dog,

because three days later,

this purebred Pomeranian
wound up on my doorstep.

And I looked at this dog
and I knew.

It's Martin!

So, we're here today

because Martin has
a little ticker problem.

-And...
-Martin? Is that your husband?

-It's both, because this is...
-Both?

...the reincarnation
of my husband.

And, okay... Hey, I have...

-Oh, my God!
-Yes, darling.

Would you show the judge this?

But you can't miss it.

You can't miss it.

-Look. Look at the eyes.
-Let's see that picture.

-MIKE: Here.
-ANNA: Look at the eyes.

-Uh-huh. Yeah, right?
-[GARY LAUGHS]

The dog just smiled at me.

ANNA: Yeah, well, yeah.

GARY: When a Pomeranian
smiles at you,

it just means
you just won
something big.

-MIKE: They both
smiled at you.
-Yeah, yeah.

So, because he has
a little heart problem,

I need insurance.

And I went to Pet Insurance

and they said, "Was there
a predisposing condition?"

And I said, "Yes.

"It's a heart condition.
It's been going on
for 30 years,"

and they
didn't even call back.

And, you know,
getting health insurance
for a dead person

is a bear!

Oh, it's pretty null and void.

-ANNA: Well,
they wouldn't do it.
-Yeah.

But he's not dead.

Is this dead?
Does this look dead?

-Looks like a dog.
-ANNA: No!

-Not yet.
-ANNA: So, I work for Fred.

And I'm happy, Fred's happy.
We get along.

And I've just become eligible
for work insurance

that has
spousal coverage, huh?

-You following me?
You getting my drift?
-Yeah.

-Well...
-GARY: Spousal coverage?

-Yes!
-You and the dog
are not married.

-Well, we are!
-GARY: Oh?

We had our honeymoon
in Bakersfield.

You should have been there.

You got married
in Bakersfield?

Well, we had our honeymoon
in Bakersfield.

Did you see Buck Owens?

He's a Bakersfield biscuit boy.

-Really?
-ANNA: Oh!

-Buck Owens.
-Oh, yeah?

♪ All you gotta do is
act naturally ♪

I've never heard of
that one before.

-It's a good song.
-One of his big hits.

So, I have brought...
Because Fred,

with all due respect,
has a very small mind.

He said I couldn't
put Martin on the policy.

You feel like the spirit
of your husband
is in the Pomeranian?

I know it is.

Have you been to any shaman?

-Or any exorcist?
-Well, I've been to
two animal psychics.

One of them, Georgette [BEEP]
channels a dead squirrel

and recognized him immediately.

A dead squirrel is channeling
through that dog?

No, no, the psychic.

The psychic that I went to,
like a shaman...

I mean, shaman, psychic,
they're all similar,

and said
absolutely unequivocally,

this is my dead husband.

Did you pay the psychic
to say that?

I didn't pay her to say that.
I paid her.

Okay... [STAMMERS]

She could have said anything
she wanted.

Who? The dog or the psychic?

Well, either one
of course, but...

Oh, I see.

You got a two-ring circus
there going.

-No! Look, no!
-Has the dog been

X-rayed to see
any particles of your

dead husband's body in there?

He has six toes.
Martin had six toes.

Your husband had a
lot bigger lungs

than the dog has.

Well, he spoke in
a little squeaky voice.

I don't know they were
that much bigger, but...

Did he ever work
at Disneyland?

He could have, he did not.

-GARY: Okay.
That'd be a good place...
-ANNA: Too late now.

...for a squeaky voice, ma'am.

They got thousands of mice
there running crazy.

-They do run crazy.
[IMITATES MICE]
-MIKE: All over.

-ANNA: Good idea.
-GARY: I love 'em. I love mice.

ANNA: Do you?

I like to dress them up
in tuxedos and ballroom gowns

from the 20th centur...

-Aww!
-Fifteenth century.

And put 'em up there
and let 'em dance together.

But we're not talking
about mice.

We're talking about
your husband's soul.

Yes, we are.

Well, we've come to a point
in the... In the trial

where I need to hear
from you, Fred.

Thank you, Your Honor.
Um, first of all,

I'm a big fan
of all of your work.

Uh, "Utah, get me two,"
all of it.

I just am a huge fan.

-Um, second of all...
-Thank you.

...I'm kind of surprised
that we're spending
this much time on this,

um, because it's a dog.

Um, a little background.

[STAMMERS]
I run a small but thriving

kombucha
and pressed juice business.

Uh, it's called Fred's Buch.

-What?
-Fred's Buch.

-Buch?
-Yeah, it's kombucha.

Kombucha.

That's what they...
That's what they call it
on the streets.

-Is that porn?
-No.

No, I mean, you could
probably use it in porn
if you wanted to, but...

In what way
would you use it in porn?

Uh, refreshment probably?
I would imagine mostly.

Refreshments, okay,
let's get away from porn.

That's not in the issue.
We're not gonna talk
about that.

-FRED: Yeah, I mean...
-Porn is out.

Um, Anna has been working
for me for about
three months now.

She's... [STAMMERS]
She's a fine employee,

she brings in a clientele

of an older generation
and she does it very well.

Oh, older. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I mean, no offense,
of course.

-GARY: We're all the same.
-FRED: Yeah. Of course, yeah.

It's not the years,
it's the mileage.

Well, I hired somebody
who has...

more than
a 100,000 miles then,

if we're going mileage then,

to bring in a different
generation of clientele

that normally comes
to my business.

And, um...

So you divide
your product by generations
as they come and go?

Uh, I'd see what markets
aren't being tapped

and then I try to grab
those markets
that aren't being used.

Tap that!

FRED: Tap that.

You try to grab 'em
or you are?

Um, I am with Anna's help.

So, try, T-R-Y.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Those three words...
Letters stand for

"Tomorrow's Really Yesterday."

Uh, I'll do it tomorrow.

Oh, should have
done it yesterday. Try.

[IMITATES SPITTING] Get "try"
out of your vocabulary.

-I just did it. I did it.
-Just do it!

I did it.

We took care of it,
and so, um...

Ah, the Pomeranian
is really liking me.

-MIKE: Martin.
-Martin?

-[MIKE CHUCKLES]
-Thanks for the tip, Mike.

Anyways, Your Honor, um,
I just... I'm not comfortable

with having a dog

on my human
health insurance plan, so...

Why is that?

Because it's fairly illegal,
um, for the most part,

and it's actually, I believe,
insurance fraud.

And so, I'm not comfortable
doing that,

not even for a fine employee
like Anna.

-I'm just not comfortable...
-She works for you.

Yeah, and I'm happy
to have her work for me,

but I don't want to
cover her dog

who probably won't see
too many more miles.

You don't know that.
You're not psychic.

Well, I'm not,
but he has a heart condition

and dogs don't live
that long anyway, so...

Bring that dog up to me.

-Mike?
-ANNA: Yes, indeed.

[GARY BARKING]

Hey, buddy.

FRED: See, it's just a dog,
Your Honor.

Oh! So handsome.

These are beautiful dogs,
these Pomeranians.

-Yeah.
-And the way
the heart's beating,

the way the lungs are working,

the way the endocrine gland
system is working...

Because I can feel
all of that

through the thin skin
of the dog with my left hand.

-Okay.
-It's a great feeling.

-FRED: Great.
-It's life.

And what comes with life?

Starts with an "L."

-Love.
-Love.

-Love.
-GARY: Loving life.

So sweet, so pure.

If I know anything about dogs,

it's dogs' souls.

And this dog,
my friend, my lady,

is one of the brightest
dog souls I've ever held.

No trace of a person's soul.

Your husband
is not in the dog.

It's the dog 100%.

You're playing with
a grieving process

and you've created
a place for your
husband's spirit to be,

and that's within the dog.

What about his heart?

-What about his heart?
-It needs treatment!

Wasn't enough my husband
was dead.

Now you want my dog dead.

You will have your dog
dead if you keep
thinking that way.

'Cause if you
think negative,
negative will come

and appear before you

and hit you in the face
like a splatter board
on the gut wagon.

ANNA: Oh.

Oh, a splatter board
on a gut wagon

is not something
you want to see up close.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Or even smell.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Hi, buddy.

This is a beautiful dog.

But there's no person's soul
in here.

[ANNA SIGHS]

-Here you go, Mike.
Come and get him.
-Yeah, yeah.

Good puppy. Good...

Yeah, look at that.

Dogs are so beautiful.

And they're so rich
with what they have
inside their body.

Although this body
does not have a soul, spirit,

or any past regressions
of your husband.

-Thank you.
-GARY: Yeah.

And that kombuchi...

Uh, kombucha, yeah.

Kombucha?

Yeah, it's like a...
It's fermented tea,

and it has a symbiotic culture
of bacteria and yeast

that all mixes together.

That sounds like
a deadly drink for death.

It's...

You drinking bacteria?

Uh, I don't.
I don't actually. I don't.

Oh, you don't drink
your own product?

No, it's not really for me.

Whoa, man, you are
a great carnival barker then.

-Well, I...
-Hey, we've got
some kombuchi right here.

[IMITATES FRED]
I've got some kombuchi
for you and your young ones.

That doesn't really sound
like me.

You step right up,
give me a dime,
one-tenth of a dollar

and the kombuchi is for you.

Doesn't really sound like me,
Your Honor.

-Hey, take that advice.
-[MIKE LAUGHS]

Take that advice.

I'll tell you, Anna,
you have gone to
so many pet psychics,

you've blown a lot of money,

and they're not giving you
any reward.

So, I'm going to fine both
plaintiff and defendant

$50 for dashing my hopes

and ruining my day.

So, pet justice!

You may leave through
the back door

and get a snack
on the treat plate.

And be kind to each other.

And understand, your dog
is your dog,

not your husband's soul.

Okay, okay.

Um, thank you, Your Honor.

You're welcome.

I'll relish
in that kombuchi now.

Pet justice!

Here comes the defendant now.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. How are you feeling
after the court case?

Uh, I don't know.
That was the court case?

It didn't feel anything like
court at all, and, uh...

He's very relaxed in there.

Did you enjoy your verdict?

Not really.
Nothing really got decided,

and then I got charged $50.

So, I didn't do anything.
I don't know why

I should be charged $50.

Uh, I don't... What...

Can I go to a real court
after this?

You just did.
It's Gary Busey's Pet...

How are you feeling
after the verdict?

I'm feeling fine. It's great.

-Oh, good.
-Yeah, thanks.

-Do you have any...
-Uh, I don't.

No.

[INHALES] Well...

I hope that you have a good...

Yeah, me too. Thanks.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

How does it feel to be
a successful plantain
in the case?

He's an idiot!

Look, my husband is in here.

Look at the eyes.
Look at the eyes.

Did your husband
have teeth that stick out
of his mouth a little bit?

Yes!

I don't know why he didn't rule in favor of us.

Well, I don't...

Okay, we don't need to growl,

[STAMMERS] but, um...

Okay, I think that

Gary Busey does
a really good job as a judge

and that he's a strong,
powerful man.

Um, I have to agree with him.

And they pay you, don't they?

Well, I'm glad
you enjoy your job,

but I've got to go find
another judge.

Thank you for the compliment.

Oh, well.

[ANNA SCOFFS]

Well, this has been
another successful verdict.

I am Ian Abramson,

and I'm with
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Justice!

I remember one time,
my son walked up to me

in a Grim Reaper outfit...

[BILL CHUCKLES]

...when I was
not feeling good.

And what he did,

he spun the sickle
over his head

and a hand...
The arm came up like this

with no hands sticking out.

He said, [IN DEEP VOICE]
"Relax. It's not
your time to go."

[BILL LAUGHS]

So, look at it this way,
the cat lives forever.

Yay!

[BELL DINGS]

Justice.