Original subtitles

I just feel really close to you.

You are really close to me.

Well, this way we can share everything.

Wow, that's so good.

Look.

They're still so in love.

How great is that?

So, where do you see us going?

Well, tonight I see us going back to my place.

Wow!

-This is your house? -Yeah.

It's beautiful!

Thank you.

I like to come home to a nice place.

I'm happy. Are you happy?

Oh, yeah. Happy is what I'm all about.

Tripp, as long as you're up, Son...

Come on, Pop! Whoa, man. Don't you knock?

What?

Your momma's... She's snoring like a rhino.

And then this music got started...

Hey, you must be Melody.

Melissa.

Oh! It's Melissa!

It's Melissa. Okay. All right.

Y'all have a good time.

Night, Pop.

You live with your parents?

Is that a problem?

Are you kidding me?

And she's leaving.

Stomping down the steps.

Unbelievable! Parents?

Putting on her coat.

Did you move that umbrella stand?

Oh, shit!

We gotta get rid of that thing. You know we're gonna get sued?

Damn it!

And she's out.

Another one bites the dust.

And he is still here.

-Morning, Mom. -Morning.

What do you say, Pop?

Good morning, Son.

Get any sleep last night?

-Okay, honey, here you go. -You're the best, Mom.

Are you kidding me?

-Have a good day. -You, too.

-Don't forget your snack. -Thanks.

-Think fast! -Bye!

So you dumped Melissa?

Well, technically, she dumped me.

What happened?

It was last night. We were in a restaurant.

She sees this elderly couple and they're holding hands,

and then she decides to hold my hand.

So she smiles at me.

Next thing I know, she gives me "the look."

Dude, I'm so sorry.

No harm, no foul, though.

It was just time for her to meet the parents.

Not the parents.

Bye-bye, Melissa.

Here we go again.

Yeah. What's your point?

The point is, my friend,

you are afraid of love.

Bullshit. No, no, no, no, no, man, I'm not afraid of love.

I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right?

And sometimes I'm the rebound guy.

Other times, when I get lucky,

I'm the "explore new areas of your sexuality" guy.

But every single time, we have fun.

Thank you.

I have fun, they have fun. It's good for me, it's good for them.

And I would argue that's it's damn good for civilization as a whole.

If more people thought that way...

I do sleep well at night.

On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.

As opposed to you, who sleeps in a king-sized bed

in your mother's basement?

It's orthopedic, and I need it.

And at least I'm not sponging off my parents

so I can afford to get laid on every continent.

I'm a rambling man. I'm a tumbleweed. I'm a seeker of truth.

And one truth I've learned, a child is a parent's greatest joy.

Which is why I can't leave my parents' place,

because they would miss me!

Amen, brother!

And yet, in America, we're shunned for our lifestyle.

When we should be celebrating our lifestyle.

-We are men who still live at home. -Yes!

We're not here to apologize about who we are, or how we do it,

-or who we live with. -No!

I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners.

And to every one of those out there who sees something different,

I say bring it on!

'Cause it's going to take a stick of dynamite

to get me out of my parents' house.

The boy's 35 years old!

It's just not fair.

Thirty-five years!

We were good parents, and now we're supposed to be done!

Hey, I don't blame my kid for staying.

Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.

Well, our son's a flight attendant.

He travels so much it doesn't make any sense

-to have his own apartment. -Yeah.

Plus he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.

Well, I say the whole thing comes down to being afraid to spank.

I mean you can't build a house without a hammer!

Anyone for a guava smasher?

I learned to make them in Maui. These really chase your troubles away.

Cheers, sweetie.

And who is my hot little wahine, huh?

Bev? What is that?

Oh, I got this in Hawaii. This is Lono, the god of fertility.

Bud has one, too. Do you want to see it?

-No! -No!

No. I mean, what's going on here?

-Dougie moved out! -Dougie moved out!

-What? -You're kidding.

-Yes! -When?

What, like two months ago!

It's been amazing!

Hey, how many times a week do you think we do it?

-Oh! -Oh, Bud.

What? Oh!

I can't believe it. How'd you do it? Dougie's a sweet kid, but...

How in the world did you get him to move out?

He met a girl.

Met a girl? Tripp meets a new girl every week.

Well, let's just say maybe he hasn't met the right girl.

Al, I don't want another recliner. I want something new.

Hey, here's something new!

Cup holders.

That's not what I'm talking about.

-Okay. -That's nice.

Get what you want.

Just know that I'm going to be having an affair within the next six months.

If I've gotta recline, I'm making it interesting.

Deal.

Hey, gang.

Let's stay on point here, huh? We're picking out chairs.

Hello, Dolly!

Son, you see her?

Pop? Pick a chair.

This is the one I want.

-Sold. -No, that's polka dot.

We're not gonna put that in the house.

Pop, relax.

She's taking the chair with her when she leaves you.

We ain't buying that chair.

I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money.

Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.

Excuse me.

-That's mine. -Yes, ma'am.

You're buying that?

No.

Want a cocktail, blanket or anything?

No, I just need my 20 minutes.

-For what? -To clear my head.

I come here to relax.

You know what helps me? Put on the Food Network.

Takes the edge right off.

Gotta find what works for you.

Okay, look, the salesmen don't mind because I bring them coffee,

and the music selection is a soothing blend

of mid-'70s singer-songwriters and smooth jazz.

It's practically narcotic.

And, usually, people leave me alone.

Sure they do.

There's what you're talking about.

It's nice, huh?

Yeah! I make fun of my parents, but these babies are sweet.

-I'm Paula. -I'm Tripp.

You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

I don't think this counts as a first date.

It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

Wanna have a drink tonight?

Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?

Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.

Sometimes I eat on Saturdays.

No, I'm doing something with my nephew.

How about Monday?

I'll meet you here.

Beautiful.

Hey, hey!

Hey, Paula.

Good news, it's Champagne Thursday.

It's Friday.

Yeah, Thursday came twice this week.

For the third straight week.

There's talk of making it permanent.

Kind of like daylight-savings time?

Right. But for booze.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Shut up, you whore.

I'm sorry. Was I sipping too loudly for you?

No, you're not sipping too loud.

It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window.

What the hell kind of devil bird chirps at night?

I think it sounds kind of pretty.

You met a guy today.

As a matter of fact, I did.

He's cute, too.

I met a guy today, too.

Really?

He's a radiologist.

Well, that's a step up.

He offered to give me a full-body scan next week, free of charge.

Those don't come cheap, you know.

I know. I'm pretty excited about it.

How cute?

Cute.

Well, Tripp's a really nice guy.

He's smart, he's sweet, he's funny.

We had a wonderful first meeting. I see incredible potential here.

So all systems are go?

Based on the initial personality assessment,

I think that I can have your son moved out of this house

and living on his own by June 15th.

Hallelujah!

Well, you know, you'd be amazed at how many adult children

are still living at home.

Now, it's my opinion that the root cause is a lack of self-esteem.

Oh, Oprah talks about that all the time.

Oprah don't know crap!

Heck, when I was growing up, nobody had self-esteem,

and we turned out fine.

You're a rock, Al. You make me a better woman.

Look, many young men who should be able to move out, simply can't.

It's called "failure to launch." And that's where I come in.

Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship,

so I simulate one.

We have a memorable meeting.

We get to know each other over a few casual meals,

he helps me through an emotional crisis,

then I meet his friends,

if he has any,

then I let him teach me something...

But the bottom line is,

he bonds with me.

He lets go of you.

He moves out.

But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?

You look nice, you find out what they like,

and then you pretend to like it, too.

That is pretty much how it works.

What about sex?

Al, I never have sex with a client.

Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated,

and let's face it, after men have sex...

Is there anything that we need to do?

Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him.

You know, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.

I promise you, when this is over,

Tripp is going to be an independent,

self-sufficient adult.

Shut up, dude! Don't help him!

-Watch the safety. No, no, no. -No, he's in a run defense...

Don't do it! Don't do it! I got you! I got you!

-Throw it to Moss. Throw it to Moss! -Watch out! I'm going deep!

No, you don't! Shit!

That's a bad word, Jeffrey.

So is "bastard," but that just means your parents aren't married.

-Look at him! Look at him! -No! Shit!

He could go all the way!

Touchdown!

Yes!

-Sit down! -That's a face!

That's great, man.

That's good sportsmanship. Nice dance.

Wow, my forehead itches.

That's cool, the "L" for loser. Keep it up, little man.

I'll make you walk home.

Hell, you are such a good uncle.

That's like eight miles. It'll take you two days.

-Hey, boys. -Hey.

-Hi. -Tripp, we're going out.

All right, listen, you got any more chips and salsa downstairs?

Oh, I didn't get to the store.

But you could go.

And you said you needed your basketball shorts,

so I put them in the laundry.

-Right. Thank you, babe. -But I didn't get to it.

So you're going to need to do a load.

A load?

And your bathroom needs cleaning, so I left the stuff in the hall.

And when you're done with the rubber gloves,

just remember to turn them inside out.

Bye.

Something's wrong with your mom.

This is really nice.

I've never actually been on a sailboat before.

Hey, I'd be fine

if I never set foot on solid ground again.

You know, I bet I'd really love it if we ever left the dock.

Well, yeah!

But to actually take you out on the water on a first date

would be very forward of me, Paula.

Well, so far I must say I'm very impressed.

Beautiful setting, a simple meal...

I assume this technique has worked in the past?

Yes, ma'am, it has.

Is it working now?

You know what? It kind of is.

Let's go for a walk.

But I'm not done with lunch.

Yeah, you are.

Seriously, I'm not one of those girls who don't eat. I want...

I wanted all of that.

See, technically, this is not my boat.

Actually, it's not my boat in any way.

-What? -I'm a boat broker. I sell boats.

I would love to own a boat like this, but it's not the right time in my life.

Besides, the guy who does own this boat

is right behind you.

Hey there, Mr. Axelrod! I thought you were out of town!

Well, I was, and now I'm not.

What's going on? Is that a fork? Are you eating on my boat?

No.

When did you redo the galley?

Oh, you're in the market?

Might be. What's she draw?

Seven-three.

Cherry's a little dark.

The wife picked it.

It's got nice lines.

She's fast, too.

Well, she certainly is yare.

I'll think about it. Thanks for your time.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

You're gonna let her walk away?

I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod.

Now,

I'm going after her.

Excuse me, ma'am. "She certainly is yare"?

Philadelphia Story.

Sweet.

All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht

was a brilliant, romantic, yet ultimately flawed idea,

how do you see the rest of the date playing out?

I don't know. I'm so hungry I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.

What if I take you to a restaurant?

Are you gonna pretend to own it?

No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.

Well, hey there, Ace. Glad you could make it, man.

We thought you went home.

I fell into a deep, dark crevasse. I was so scared.

Did you go out with La-Z-Girl?

Paula. I did. We had lunch.

Will there be a second date?

There will be a second date.

Yet the relationship is doomed to failure.

Right. And why are we doomed?

You live with your parents?

He's right.

Your entire life is set up perfectly for ending relationships.

We've been out one time.

She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy, we had fun.

And I must tell you, son,

nothing is doomed.

Gnarly crash!

What are you doing?

Remember, we're the visitors here.

Come on.

-Wow. You're feeding it a little peanut? -Yeah.

He gets that stuff all the time, man.

This is what he wants.

You want a treat from the big city, boy?

He's not a child, Tripp.

Look how peaceful he is.

Come here, little boy.

You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo?

You're giving him a PowerBar?

Everybody loves chocolate.

Tripp, he's saying no.

Look into my eyes.

He's saying no, Tripp.

Tripp? Tripp? Dude?

Get off!

What is he doing? Is that a squirrel?

No, it's a chipmunk.

Watch the bike.

Oh, hey. I'm Tripp.

You must be Kit.

It's a mockingbird.

Who did what?

It's a mockingbird.

What is?

You don't hear that? That annoying noise.

Oh, yeah, now I hear it.

I looked it up.

They can imitate car alarms, and telephones, and other birds.

I called Animal Control, and you know what they said?

They said I should just enjoy one of nature's most talented singers.

-Yeah. -I'm gonna kill it.

Okay, I'm all set.

-Oh, wow. -Hi.

Wow, look at you.

Well, look at you.

Sweet shoes.

Really? Thanks.

Okay, well, Kit, we're gonna go. See you.

-You ready? -Yeah.

Okay, you two kids have a blast.

-Thanks. -Hey, Kit, good luck with the...

It's a chipmunk bite.

I figured. Obviously not a normal chipmunk.

You're right about that.

No, this was like a big, oversized, like, bobcat, grizzly-bear chipmunk.

I'm pretty fortunate to still be here.

-Wow. -Yeah.

What did the doctor say?

I didn't need to see a doctor.

I had some cream at home that I put on it.

-You had chipmunk cream? -Yeah.

-Wow, that's lucky. -Isn't it?

I take it you like Japanese food.

Oh, I love it.

I'm also gonna order a huge dessert, drink too much,

and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.

-Yeah? -Does that intimidate you?

Not at all.

Cheers, Paula.

Cheers.

All right, T-R-l-double-P going in to get a little squid.

Do you need me to help you with that?

I got it. I got it. Look at this, look at this.

I admire the confidence.

Thank you. I am fairly...

ambidextrous.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry! Excuse me.

Squid's a little bit greasy tonight.

Sorry. Yeah.

That's not easy to do.

I didn't see anything.

Tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?

I teach special needs kids.

-How's the hand? -It's fine.

-Is it throbbing? -No.

Is the medication wearing off?

Gotta scratch.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

home again.

Home again.

I had a nice time.

I did, too.

Good.

I had fun.

Good.

Shut up! Shut up you crazy bastard bird bitch!

Hey, Kit!

What? Hi.

Can you guys see me?

-Yeah! -Yeah.

Oh. Great.

What?

Dinner and a show.

Good night.

Good night.

Now, what type of a boat do you see yourself in?

Well, I'm not sure.

But I do know that I need to be out in the open sea.

Well, you gotta ask yourself some questions.

Do you like speed?

Do you like to hear the roar of an engine?

Do you want to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible?

If that turns you on, then you want a powerboat.

Okay, that's it. That's it. Power. That's me. Yes.

Well, that's one way to go. But maybe you want to slow down.

You know, listen to the wind and the water.

Have sunrise and sunset as your only clock.

Know that you could go around the world

on less than a tank of gas.

Now, if that sounds good to you, then maybe you're sailors.

This is not a hobby. This...

It's a lifestyle.

Well, now that is passion!

-What has happened to you? -What's happened to me?

I want to feel the wind.

I do not want to feel...

I want to make the wind, okay? Look...

-Make the wind? -Yeah. I'm not a sailor.

You don't make wind sitting on a boat in a dock.

I'm a power guy. Power. Like "power boat."

-You're a power guy? -Excuse me.

-I want to feel that beneath... -Guys who drink Kahlua and cream

are not power guys, honey.

Tripp.

Whoa, slow down, slow down, Paula.

Mr. Fritz was my best friend

since he was a little puppy.

Just a little fur ball.

He was too small to even jump up on the bed

and now he's...

He's...

Got a tissue or something?

-He saved my life, you know. -He did?

And now I can't do anything for him, and I...

Oh, shit.

I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah, of course I am.

Can I have a minute alone with him?

Thank you.

-I'll be right outside. -Okay.

Thanks, Gretchen.

Anytime.

Gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical.

I cry, he cries.

It totally bonds us.

So how long do you think he's gonna sleep for?

Half an hour. He's only here for some dental work.

Oh. What's his real name, anyway?

I don't know.

I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.

God, that is so sad.

Yeah, it was a beautiful dog, man.

She was devastated.

Well, this is exactly what she needs. Good choice.

-There she is. Hey, Paula. -Hi.

Paula, these are my good friends, Demo and Ace. Guys, Paula.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

-I'm so sorry for your loss. -Come on, don't.

Thank you.

-Nice suit. How you doing? -Thank you. Hi.

You know, most guys would've sent flowers, chocolates maybe,

but I gotta say, I did not see this coming.

Well, you know, anybody can send flowers, Paula.

Now, I'm going to let you in on "the" secret.

It's called the "finger roll." Quick fingers, light on the trigger.

See, double trigger...

More paintballs in less time means victory.

Let's see it.

When you're out there today

and you got these paintballs flying at you at over 200 miles an hour,

I guarantee you will not be thinking about the late, great Mr. Fritz.

Holy moly. They really move that fast?

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry!

Nice shot!

-Oh, thanks. -He's okay.

Let's go shoot some strangers, huh?

First one to paint the skirt gets a beer.

I think that guy just laughed at me. Who are these guys?

They go by "Devil Babies."

They finished third in the National Championship.

This should be an excellent test of our skills.

-Wait. These guys are champions? -All right, all right.

They didn't win it.

Go!

Move, move, move!

Let's go!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Let's go! Go, go, go, go!

There you are! Look alive!

I'm out.

-Watch out! -Watch it!

Come on, blondie!

Am I out?

I didn't know they sold beer here.

They don't.

There you go! Stay down, Paula! Stay down!

Can I have one?

No.

Check it out!

Warm day, huh?

Nice talking to you.

Damn it!

Paula?

Sorry! Sorry!

Does it count if it was an accident?

Bad finger roll.

All right, I need you to come to me.

No, thanks. I'm just gonna stay over here till it's over.

-Now! -Okay.

I'm out.

Shit! I'm out!

-You will not have died in vain! -Stay down.

Paula, where are you?

Finger roll. Finger roll. Finger roll.

Oh, Tinkerbell! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

The sooner you lose, the sooner you can go shopping!

Oh, man!

Who's laughing now?

You did it!

-Get out of here! -Boy, you made it!

Come on!

Where'd that come from?

-Look at you! -I love it.

-Hey, Kit! -Kind of fun, huh?

You know what? I'm gonna go powder my nose.

I take it you're over your dead golden retriever.

You know, if I really had a dog and he really had died,

I think this would have totally helped.

Man, she's got good spatial awareness.

And great hair!

-Thanks. -She's a keeper, man.

She's really great. Really great, Tripp.

So can we go now?

Meeting the friends is very important.

Guys need to know we not only like them,

but we like their friends, too.

Fine. The tall one's kind of cute. What's he do?

Oh, he's some kind of software writer.

He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money.

Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy.

The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.

How will I choose?

This is going very well.

Good. So we can go now.

Not until I get "the nod."

If I don't get "the nod," the friends undermine.

I think you're getting "the nod."

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps.

In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.

Now, basically there's two ways to turn a boat.

There's "coming about," which is turning into the wind,

and there's "jibing," which is turning away from the wind.

Now, jibing is something that you never want to do with a rookie onboard,

so let's give it a shot, huh?

Well, wait, wait, wait. Why is jibing bad?

It's not bad, it's just fun. Jibe ho!

Come on, babe! Let's get over there!

Come on, boy!

Oh, my God!

Nothing like the threat of decapitation to make it a little more interesting.

Make off this sheet, like so.

Okay.

"Jibe ho" and "making off the sheet"?

That's too many words to learn. I just want to get a suntan.

Here, take the wheel.

What? Really?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

-We call it the helm. -Okay.

Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?

I'm going down below.

What's down below?

I don't know, beer, wine, chips, rum.

I don't know. It's not my boat.

But I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not kidding! Seriously!

You're sailing!

What if I hit something?

I think you'll be okay. Fly.

Wow.

I'm sailing.

Oh, man.

That's gorgeous!

You know, I thought going on a boat was a good idea because you like it,

but my God! That was great!

You should buy that boat! I mean, I'm sure it's expensive, but so what?

Well, I like that boat, but I really don't...

Nice.

I don't really want a new boat.

What I would love is an old wooden boat.

Now, they're a lot more upkeep, but when you're on one of those,

it's like you're part of something, you know?

It's like you're connected, you know, to the original seafaring people

who set sail into the unknown and said things like,

"Holy crap, that's a big wave!"

So do it. Buy a crummy old boat.

Who cares, as long as you're out there?

Well, I'm working on it.

The thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment.

And if you're not ready, you just end up,

well, a Ionely guy with a big boat payment.

Who says you have to be Ionely?

-Hey. -Oh, hey! Hi!

I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's,

but I don't really like that place.

-Or anyone I work with. -Oh, good.

So then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.

Yeah.

I smell something.

Do you smell something?

Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

No, that's not it.

I smell fun.

What?

You are a dirty little fun-haver.

That is absurd. Tripp is a fascinating case.

He doesn't fit the usual profile.

Of losers and shut-ins?

I actually don't even see why he still lives at home.

He's got a good job, he's got normal social skills,

he's attractive,

he's really sweet.

That's so nice that you get to hang out with such a sweet guy every day.

It was a rewarding and successful work day. That's all.

Okay.

And at the end of it, I looked into his eyes,

and I saw it.

I've got him.

He is as good as moved out.

It's over. She's gotta go.

You're dumping Paula?

-What happened? -Same thing that always happens.

Everything is going along nice and smooth,

we're having a good time,

and all of a sudden, out of nowhere...

She gets serious.

I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.

-You're doing it again. -What?

The thing where the woman gets close and you pull the relationship ripcord.

Guys, it's simple. The fun's gone.

Hey, guys, check this out!

Hey, boy!

Come here, boy. Come here, boy.

What's he saying, Demo?

Where'd you go?

Where'd he go?

-Let me ask you something, Demo. -Yeah.

How's this surfing if there are no waves?

Tripp?

Should we go after him?

Well, he's their passenger now.

Passenger? He just took him underwater!

Take me!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! The son of a bitch bit me!

So you were bit by a dolphin?

Yeah. And not just any dolphin, either.

This was a great white dolphin, all right?

I'm lucky to still be here.

What?

Nothing.

Wow!

-This is your house? -Yeah.

-It's beautiful. -Thank you.

I like to come home to a nice place.

-Come on in. -Thank you.

-It's very pretty. -Thank you.

-You want something to drink? -Yeah, sure.

Beer? Glass of wine?

-Sure, wine would be great, thanks. -Glass of wine.

Thanks.

Hey, Mom, Pop, I thought y'all were going out.

Out? What would we go out for? We've got those brand-new chairs!

Hello.

Tripp, who's your little friend?

Mom, Dad, this is Paula.

Paula, this is my mom, my dad, Sue and Al.

Wow! Well!

-Hello. How do you do? -Hello.

Hi.

It's a great pleasure to meet you both.

Hi, Paula.

Wow.

So you...

You live with your parents.

Is that a problem?

No.

Not for me.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

Oh! Wow. I'd love to. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why?

Well, it smells good, and I'm really hungry. Aren't you?

Yeah, I'm hungry. But my mom here, she's cooking dinner.

Like she does most nights.

Right here, where I live,

with them,

in the same house I grew up in.

That's nice.

I'm gonna go mow the lawn.

Well, we're about to sit down...

Might mow the neighbor's, too.

Is this really okay? 'Cause I don't want to intrude on family time.

Oh, it's fine. I'll set another place.

Okay, thanks.

I'm gonna go help Dad.

Is there...

Is there anything I can do to help?

Listen, I am so sorry.

I had no idea that he was going to bring me over here.

But you are doing great.

Well, you're not. I don't know what to tell you, honey,

but that strict program of yours?

You're gonna have to start deviating.

He's breaking up with you.

What?

The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us

is 'cause he's getting ready to dump them.

Really?

Well,

that's not happening.

-Hey, Paula? Hey, sweetie? -Yes?

I appreciate you staying for dinner, all right?

And I know that must have been very awkward.

Not at all.

Not at all?

You don't mind that my parents are downstairs right now?

They're asleep in their chairs.

Don't stare.

I'm paying for it. I'll stare if I want to.

I'm just saying, you know, they might...

They might hear us.

Why? Are you a screamer?

Paula?

Hey, you're up! Wow, early risers.

Hey, listen. FYI, work-wise, we're definitely on track.

Things are good. Tripp is good.

Well, actually, he's fantastic.

Of course, I don't need to tell you that. You're his parents.

I'm just trying to say, you should be very proud of him.

Well...

You got a lovely home.

I'm sorry, miss, you're not allowed to eat that in the store.

Fine.

I need to buy a gun. How much is this big gun here?

That's a 12-gauge shotgun. That's a pretty powerful weapon.

You know, for a woman your size,

I'd probably recommend something a little, you know...

More compact?

So I just point, and then I squeeze the trigger and then boom.

Yeah. What did you say you were shooting?

Twelve hundred bucks? Wow. How much are the bullets for this?

Shells. Shotguns use shells. Anyway. Whatever.

They're 15 bucks for a box of 25.

Okay, I don't need a whole box. I just need...

one.

You know,

I get sad sometimes, too.

So many pressures in life, you know?

Can I give you a phone number for some people who can help...

Oh, no.

It's like a hotline.

Listen, sunshine, I'm not

-suicidal. -No, I know.

I just have a problem with a mockingbird.

Okay,

-you can't kill a mockingbird. -Why not?

Well, for one, there's the book To Kill a Mockingbird.

A copy of that, too, right here.

No, it's not a manual on how to kill mockingbirds.

It's a classic American novel. How do you not know this?

I know a lot of other things. Give me the gun!

-No! -Yes!

I'm not gonna sell you this gun.

Mockingbirds are protected under the Federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

Killing one is a crime.