Original subtitles

♪♪♪

-[driver] You look nice today. -Thank you.

You're going to a special occasion?

I am. My sister's getting married.

-Oh, that's exciting. -Yeah, yeah.

That's got to be fun like a San Diego beach wedding. That's cool.

What do you mean?

Just the address you gave me is in San Diego.

-That's a beautiful area to get away-- -Wait, wait.

-San Diego? -Yeah.

-No. No! -Yeah...

Okay.

I thought it was in Santa Monica.

We have to get there in 45 minutes.

Ma'am, that's not going to happen.

You don't understand, okay. I'm always that girl.

I am always that freaking person, who's late to everything.

People think she doesn't give a shit but I do.

Okay, ma'am, I'm sure not everyone thinks it's like that.

-[screams] -I'm sure you're just hard on yourself. Okay.

No, everyone is always talking shit on me.

Always like, Trisha can't get her life together.

She's 35 and sells her baby teeth on Etsy.

You sell baby teeth?

People think this is crystal, but it's just ground up baby teeth.

Oh, shit! Baby teeth?

How many babies did you take that...

At least 14 children.

-Fourteen little children? -They are small teeth.

I was going to set up a little booth at my sister's wedding.

-Okay. -And sell--

You were going to sell baby teeth necklaces at your sister's wedding?

I'm not going to tell people it's baby teeth.

Okay. Yeah that's probably a good idea.

I'm always late.

Okay. What are you do--? Ma'am, please don't do that.

Are you-- Ma'am, please don't cry.

Everyone thinks I'm stupid

because I've killed so many of my dogs by accident.

[driver] Uh.

I didn't know how to take care of them.

Okay, well maybe those dogs were old and they just naturally...

-They were puppies. -They were pup-- okay.

They were so cute and so cute, and I squeezed them to death.

Well, hey, listen. We've all made mistakes, you know.

I accidentally, got my girlfriend pregnant

and I just kind of, left town one day.

But you know sometimes things happen.

So, you're not that bad of a person.

Really bringing down the energy right now.

-I'm sorry. -You're like really ruining my day.

I'm just trying to make you feel better let, you know, other people make mistakes,

like, maybe I'm not man enough to be able to raise a child the right way.

-I don't know that just. -You should just reconnect with the baby,

honestly, because it's like it's really important to be with your children

and if you do, I will give you my information because I will buy those teeth off of you.

What? Are you just trying to buy my baby's teeth?

You're the one who doesn't even talk to your baby.

So who's the monster here?

♪♪♪

Your son's so cute.

It's not my son.

[whispering] Stepson.

Well, he's adorable.

-Do you think so? -Yeah.

I don't really judge kids. He just seems kind of average to me.

Mommy, can we go to the park?

Brendan, what did I say? Call me Tinsley.

Can we go to the park, Tinsley?

No, I'm going to the mall. You can do whatever...

Dad said that I have to stay with you.

Stewart said that? No, he did not say that.

I'm going to the mall. I have to get a wax.

Maybe you can go to the food court and find some other human boys to interact with.

Don't you want to spend time with me?

No, I don't want to spend time with you.

I want to spend time with my adult friends and do things that adults do,

like drink martinis and eat prescription pills.

I want to go to the park.

Brendan, don't whine, okay? It's annoying.

Just why don't you draw something.

[phone call tone]

-Hello. -[man] Hey.

Hey.

- Are you on your way? -Yeah, we should be there soon.

-How old are you? -I'm eight.

Oh, cool.

Like, four minutes or something.

Oh, we should, it's... no--

-What grade are you in? -Hold on a second.

Excuse me, can you stop flirting with my stepson.

I'm trying to make a call.

Oh, I wasn't.

Okay, we should be there really soon.

- Bye. -Okay.

-Mama, look. -Will you stop calling me mama, okay?

It's Tinsley.

Tinsley, look I drew a picture.

What I that?

The scale is off. Like you can't have a cat that big.

I've heard that you're actually not supposed to ask a kid what did they draw,

but you're supposed to say, "Oh, tell me more about that."

-It's just something I heard. -Why would I want him to tell me more about it?

It's, like, obviously, bad. Like, he's not a drawer.

Not everyone has artistic talent.

No, you should start over. That's not good.

Seriously, it's embarrassing.

It looks like you're autistic or something.

Excuse me, do you have a charger?

Oh, um...

For a cigarette?

No, I'm so sorry.

I thought you were just going to say for a phone. I have that.

No, my phone's charged.

I guess it's cool for you to smoke in here.

♪♪♪

[woman] How long we've been in the car?

We've only been like three minutes.

Three minutes!

I feel like you've been talking for hours.

I'm sorry.

-Gosh! -I guess I have that effect on some people.

Okay. I'm going to call my mom.

-Will you hold that for me? -Okay. Oh!

Just don't eat it. Okay?

[phone call tone]

Mom, mom, mom, mom. Hi. Hi, it's me.

Yeah, I know. I should be there.

-Oh, that voice. -Mom...

Mom...

-Does she's not, hear you? -Mom.

-You keep saying her name. -No, I could hear, but my stupid sister's talking.

Tell her to shut up.

It's her wedding day. I don't think you should--

-I don't care! -Okay.

Tell her to shut up I can't hear you.

[sobbing] I'm going to be late to the wedding.

You don't understand why I'm late daddy.

No, it wasn't because I didn't know that this wedding was in San Diego.

No that would be dumb. That would be so stupid of me.

[weeping]

I don't even know what that sound is.

I am late because I was held hostage...

-Wait... -By an African-American terrorist.

-What? Whoa, whoa! -He's a tall man.

-Are you serious? -He's tall and he's wearing a blue and black plaid shirt.

-No. -Can you hear his voice?

What? No, no. Damn. Ah, it's not my voice.

That's what he sounds like. He just changed his voice right now.

It's not usually that high okay.

And he walked out on his family.

He abandoned his child and then he held me hostage

and made me act like a baby the entire time.

-I made you act like a baby? -And I was so scared

because you know I hate children.

You love children because you love taking their teeth.

-You know what? -What?

I'm going to go. Patty, I'm going to go.

I'm going to be at your wedding because I'm going to leave this terrorist situation.

-Put your seatbelt back on. -This hostage situation.

What are you doing?

[driver] Oh, my God! Oh my God! Oh my God.

What the-- shit. Shit!

♪♪♪

[Tinsley] I have an idea.

Why don't you keep this meter on?

Drive around for three hours.

You could take him. I'll go to the mall, pick me back up.

Oh, no. I mean, that sounds fun, right, buddy?

-Yeah, I want. -Yeah. I know.

-But um, I don't think-- -What?

-You would just let me take your kid? -Yeah, he has a chip.

You put a chip in your child?

Well, I didn't put it in, the vet put it in.

We can find him wherever he goes.

It's like in the back of his neck. He can never get lost.

Yeah, I can't get lost.

Okay, we're going to play a game now.

Here goes. It's called coma.

You're going to pretend like you're in a coma.

And so, we're going to sit back, shut your eyes,

and then just don't say anything. Okay?

Are you serious? He's a kid.

-He likes it. -Why can't you let him just keep on drawing?

-This is a child. -He's a terrible drawer.

-That doesn't matter at all. -Oh, really?

Would you like to hang up his portraits in your house?

Yeah, you know what I would be proud to do that.

Everything's out of scale, everything looks like a deformed cat. It's just awful.

I'm out of my coma, now.

Did I tell you to get out of the coma?

Remember you have to wait for the buzz.

You know what, Brandon, you don't have to be in a coma.

No, I can actually let him know when his coma is done.

I can access his chip through my phone. Close your eyes.

Coma, remember.

-So, Brandon, do you like Spiderman? -Yes.

What do you like about Spiderman?

Can you please not engage with him when we're playing coma?

You know what you don't have to talk to him, but is it okay that I do?

God damn it! Why don't you call one of your friends and see if you can hang out with them?

So, I can go get my wax, okay?

[phone calling tone]

Hi.

-[child] Hello. -Hi, how are you?

Fine. How are you?

Good. I'm doing great.

Okay.

Do you watch Pokémon?

Uh-huh. Guess what? Ash just caught a Hawlucha.

Enough of the small talk. That's what you guys talk about?

Who is that? Tinsley?

-Yeah. -Hi, Tinsley.

Hi, Spencer. Is your dad home?

Yes, hold on just a second.

-[man] Hey, it's Rick. Tinsley? -Hey, Rick, it's Tinsley.

Oh, hey, what's up girl?

Hey, we were going to maybe drop him off.

Yeah, just getting ready to get rid of my kid, too.

He's going to swim camp tomorrow.

Oh, I love that. How long is that?

-Twelve weeks. -Dope.

Hey, Brandon. You want to go to swim camp?

No, I don't. I want to stay here.

No, he's totally down. Will you e-mail me the link?

-Yeah, yeah. No, problem. -Okay.

I'm going to send you pictures of my abs.

[laughs] Stop it. You have to stop doing that.

I'm sending them right now.

I don't need to see your abs again, okay?

I know what they look like.

Show it to Brandon.

Hold on. Honey, look at that.

Why doesn't he have any pants on?

Keeping it cool, bro.

Rick, Rick, stop it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just put your driver to drive around tonight for three hours

and come over and hang out.

-Hold on a second. Um, driver. -Yeah.

Could you keep the meter on?

-No. -Drop me--

You haven't even heard the whole thing?

I just have a feeling.

♪♪♪

[woman screaming] I got a penis!

[screaming]

I got this penis squirt gun!

[screams]

And I filled it with vodka!

Take it!

Oh! Oh!

-Good evening, ladies. -Oh, hi.

This inside this car is my bachelorette party.

[women] Yeah!

What else is planned?

We were just going to...

This is the first thing we planned

and it's, technically, the only thing we planned,

-but we have the whole night. -You didn't invite anybody else?

Uh, we wanted this time with you.

-Mm-Hm. Just us two and you and what's your name?

-Oh, Brendan. -And Brendan.

Just kind of the four of us.

Congratulations!

Wait, did you bring the strip club to me?

Is Brendan a stripper?

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't even like being naked by myself.

[women] Woo! Take it off.

I can't. I have very sensitive skin.

These aren't angel kisses. This is, you know, pre-cancer.

Okay. Well...

Brendan's not a stripper but I did save some pictures.

-Mm-Hm. -Of strippers on my phone.

-Great! -If you want to look at them.

Okay. Ooh, I'm going to text this one to myself

and I'm going to rub my clit to it tonight.

Oh, cool. Cool.

[woman] These seats are nice.

-Yeah. -It's black leather.

I inherited this from my dad.

Your dad passed away?

Yeah, my dad died in this car.

Was it an accident?

He accidentally left the car on while in the garage.

-We have a game. -Oh, a game!

-Yeah. -Bachelorette game!

I have like your aunts and like some other friends' emails.

-It's like marriage advice for you. -So sweet.

-And like kind of saucy things like... -Oh, saucy!

Yeah, your Aunt Clara said,

"Make sure you blow him, not just on his birthday."

[screaming and laughing]

So, what his birthday and Christmas?

Whatever!

[laughs]

-Your nana said... -Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! My nana.

Compromise is a key to any relationship.

-Okay. -So, it's okay to put a finger up his butt.

My nana said that?

To be fair we don't know that she likes it.

She's just willing to do it.

I'm just going to say the butt's a tricky area.

Enough about your butt stories, Brendan.

[woman] Do you want to do a shot?

Give me the bottle.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah. You're crazy.

-I'm crazy! -You're wild!

-Go, go! -Go, go. Chug, chug.

Don't make too much-- Nicole?

-Don't get sick. -Pace, pace.

Just a quick reminder, there's like, a two-hundred-dollar cleanup fee if you guys...

[Nicole] I never puke!

Yeah, she never pukes.

-I'm getting married! -She's getting married!

[screaming]

Scream it out the window.

Oh, yeah!

I'm getting married! I'm getting married!

[women] Oh! Ah!

[screaming]

[screaming]

No! No!

♪♪♪

[man] You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Men have started wars over women as beautiful as you.

I've never said that to anyone.

Dave?

No.

Do you two know each other? Or...

Dave is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a month ago.

-[woman] Oh! -Mm-Hm.

-And I've moved on. -Wow, that was fast.

Yeah.

That's real fast.

Needed some space, you said.

-I did need some space. -I'm single, you said.

You were just like you wouldn't stop bugging me.

-I'm sorry I don't have a job. -We lived together, Dave.

-Are you okay? -Yeah, everything's fine.

No, everything's great.

It feels a little awkward.

-No. No. It's great. -I'm sorry. I don't mean be unprofessional.

-I'm so sorry. -Yeah, no, it's fine.

I didn't even know you worked for Drive Share.

I was doing it when we were dating.

-What? -Yeah.

Really? Look, sorry I just had a lot on my mind.

-A lot on your... -Yeah.

Do you even know what your date does?

Yeah, of course, I do. She--

She's like... she'll explain it.

It's a crazy job. It's hard. It's... it's crazy. It's...

-I'm a doctor. -Yeah, she's a doctor.

You're...

I knew that.

You're a doctor?

Yeah, I'm a doctor. I work in the ER.

-Wow! -Yeah, big time.

She works in the ER.

That's cool.

Yeah, no Drive Share for this one.

[laughs]

Okay.

I mean don't take this the wrong way or anything,

but you're like way too pretty to be a doctor.

When I first saw you, I thought you must have been like a hooker or something.

I mean like a very high class, you know, hooker.

Like that billionaires take out to like Vegas or something.

-Okay. -You know, and you don't kiss. No kissing.

You can't kiss hookers?

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm a doctor. I'm not a hooker.

Oh, no. I know. I just--

I was trying to compliment how beautiful and sexy you are. I mean that.

She's just trying to be nice.

Trust me I know from years of experience

that whenever she's being nice there's something underneath it.

Okay, there's some game she's playing.

I'm just genuinely trying to be nice, Dave. That's what compliments are.

You give them. I'm not expecting anything in return.

Hey, I gave you tons of compliments.

I seem to remember telling you

that men have started wars over someone as beautiful as you so...

You just said that to me.

I've never said that to anyone before in my life.

♪♪♪

-Um, third and Robertson. -Sure.

I just need to get there by 10:02, if that's possible.

-I think we can do that. Yeah. -Okay, great. Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry. I hate to be that guy, but you look so familiar to me.

-Oh! -I recognize you.

Are you an artist or...?

I'm... Yeah, sort of, I guess in a way.

I mean, it's a nice way of looking at it.

I try to do what I do, you know, to the best of my ability

and put a nice little spin on it if I can.

Are you Death?

[laughs] Guilty as charged.

[laughs]

Which is what they said to me when they executed me, which is how I got here.

Oh, my gosh!

I know you from your aunt in 2009, and your dad, a couple years ago.

-Yeah, that was awful. -And your dog nine months ago, right?

Yes, that was terrible.

Well, I come for you all. Ah!

[laughs]

Oh, man, that's...

No, seriously I will come for you.

No, I understand. You're just a guy doing his job. I don't...

-I don't take it personally. -It's just a job.

I'm just the East Side Death. The L.A. East Side Death.

Oh!

So, yeah. I mean there's a whole bunch of deaths out there.

Oh, do you have like a guild?

Yeah, well it's not a guild it's more of a union.

I never really understood the difference a union and a guild.

Yeah, I've never understood that either

like what's the difference between a guild and a union,

but we call ourselves a union.

How did you get started?

Um, I, basically, sold my soul to the devil.

-Really? -Yeah.

I have a thousand lifetimes that I have to do this...

Uh, you must have seen some incredible stuff.

I mean a lot of deaths.

I guess it's your job, so you're used to it.

Oh, no. When you're death it's like,

you know that expression, there's no crying over spilled milk.

They should say it to me like there's no use crying over a crib death.

♪♪♪

So what's the ER like? Do you see like a lot of death?

I have seen death. Yeah, but that's just part of the job.

Oh, my gosh!

Have you ever like had those people coming to the ER,

and they have like, a toy car, and a condom stuck in their butt?

And they're like they accidentally like sat on like a group of pencils,

like sharpened pencils or anything.

Have you guys seen that? They have photo galleries online

of like things you see in an x-ray and they're like crazy.

There was this one time, it was a dog's actual leg...

it was in somebody's butt.

-It was great. I love that stuff. -What?

Hold on. Wait, pause one second. I got to feed my Goo Goo.

-What's a Goo Goo? -"What's a Goo Goo?"

It's like a virtual reality pet that you have to feed.

You feed it little, uh, little bits of trash.

And then, once it grows up and it's big, then it checks your emails for you.

[pressing buttons on cellphone]

What do you even see in him?

When I met him, he was the cutest.

He was at the playground and he was babysitting these kids, right?

And he was just laughing with them and just taking such good care of them and I was like,

"This is going to be the perfect dad one day."

Where's my Goo Goo? Who's my Goo Goo?

[woman] Now, I'm starting to realize,

he was probably playing with the kids.

[driver] Yeah, most of his friends are kids.

Oh, hey! I forgot to tell you I'm going on Shark Tank.

Going to pitch the old idea.

You remember that thing where I was going to sell donuts on a stick.

[driver] Yeah.

I was going to call it donuts with wood. That's going to happen.

When are you going?

Oh, I'm not going yet.

I haven't filled out the application form yet.

It's like really complicated.

You know what?

Someone should invent something that will fill out application forms for you.

I'm going to go on shark tank and do that.

Sophia, you have got to dump him.

Hey!

You deserve so much more. Girl, you are a catch.

Thank you.

-You're welcome. -You're really great, too.

-You're driving amazing. -Thank you.

Do you guys want to have a three-way?

Okay, I'm just going to drop him off right now.

-[Sophia] Yeah. -[Dave] What?

Seriously? Seriously?

There's a free Goo Goo. There's a free Goo Goo.

There's a free Goo Goo!

♪♪♪

I would have to say that the worst part about the job is the insects.

You mean, like the flies and that sort of thing?

Oh, well, you have to do every insect that dies.

You have to personally kill every insect?

Yeah, it's terrible.

It's not like you, where like, I have to do with a flyswatter.

-No, no, no. -I can just point at him, you know...

Like there's a mosquito out the window right now.

[Death] Bum!

-Oh, damn it. -What?

-I missed. -You missed what?

I missed the mosquito. I got a guy.

-You just killed a guy. -Yeah.

Oh, my God! Aw, that's so cool.

I mean it's not cool for me. The paperwork now.

-Oh, right, well... -That guy's not supposed to be dead.

I'm sorry this is all just so new to me.

I'm a little taken.

I... yeah. This is really kind of rad.

Yeah, you and Liam Neeson. Am I right?

[laugh]

-Let me give you a little tip. When you get to hell... -Yeah, yeah.

-They're going to ask you-- -Wait, wait, wait.

-When I get there? -Yeah.

-Oh, yeah. You're... -I'm going to hell?

-Sorry I... spoiler. -Oh!

What did I do?

Well, remember when you were six and you had that birthday party.

-Yeah, I remember that birthday party. -And you didn't invite Norman.

Stinky Norman?

Yes, stinky... Well, I mean, you're just adding insult to injury right now.

He was a big old fat kid with some kind of glandular disorder.

I don't want him at a pool party.

Right. I'm not feeling bad for you anymore.

[Death] All right.

This is it. Thank you, my friend.

Yeah, hey, just one second, there's no, um, there's no credit card on file.

Oh, yeah, I don't have any money.

Why would Death have money?

-Sorry. -I don't want to make a big thing out of it or anything,

but I need to get paid for the ride. It was a long ride.

Well, okay. Tell you what? I have one idea.

What?

[car horn]

All right.

And five stars for me.

Still a perfect rating.

Thank you. See you in hell.

♪♪♪

Where is Tinsley? Where is Tinsley?

Where is she? I want to call Tinsley.

Okay, okay.

-I want to call Tinsley -Okay, call Tinsley.

Hello, police. I've been kidnapped...

Oh, no, no, no. Can I have the phone?

You can track me by my chip.

-Um... -[police] You got a chip in you?

Your parents must love you so much.

Yeah, Tinsley loves me so much.