Original subtitles

♪♪♪

[woman] Um, just so you know,

if you're, you know, thinking of trying to like, kidnap

or hold me hostage or something

that's not going to happen today.

Oh, uh, uh...

I'm not. I'm not.

Well, I mean, I just know. I read the news you know.

And that happens a lot on these kind of drive-sharing things.

No. I'm not... uh, no, I'm not a kidnapper.

If you thought I was brooding up here

and thinking of ways to kidnap you,

I apologize for giving you that impression.

Like even the fact that you're saying that you're thinking of ways to kidnap me--

No, I wasn't! No, I was saying I wasn't thinking of ways to kidnap you.

But the fact that that came so easily to you is very suspicious.

I'm very sorry. I feel like I just keep digging myself deeper here.

I only said I wasn't thinking of ways to kidnap you

because you suggested that maybe I was thinking of ways to kidnap you.

No. You kind of gave off that vibe. So, it's not like I was feeding off of your vibe, okay.

I wasn't trying to give off any kind of kidnappy vibe whatsoever.

I'm sorry if I did that. Are...

Are you someone like... you could get like a large ransom for or something?

Is that why you're paranoid or--?

What?

I'm trying to figure out why you're paranoid about being kidnapped?

Are you somebody who--?

The fact that you would think of a ransom.

No. I only thought of ransom because you brought up kidnapping.

You know like...You ever see like a word cloud on the internet?

of all the words that come to mind when I think of kidnapping,

ransom is like the least creepy, you know.

The other words are all like, bound and gagged,

and hostage, and sex dungeon.

-So, you're putting me in a sex dungeon. -No. I'm not putting you--

I just want to know where I am going tonight, okay?

-Am I going to a sex dungeon? -No.

I got to prepare in my mind.

No. You're not. I'm not. I'm so sorry.

I should have never said sex dungeon.

-I'm going to a sex dungeon and that's okay. -No, you're not.

-I can live it. -No.

So, what's in there? Just tell me what's in there?

I don't know.

I just need the scope of where I'm going to be for the next what? Five, ten years?

-How long are you going to do this for? -How? No. I have no--

I'm so sorry like there's no sex dungeon. I'm not going to hold you captive.

-Do I have amenities? -No there's not...

-So there's no amenities? -No, I'm not saying there's no amenities. I'm saying--

I am sorry but you have to give me at least a toilet, something.

-I'm not. -[whistle]

[screaming] Jesus! Christ!

I'm being kidnapped!

-I'm being kidnapped! -That... Oh!

-[whistle] -No, you are not! Oh!

♪♪♪

-Your car is very big. -Yes.

You have seen a French car?

-Uh, maybe. -They're like two mopeds, uh...

-Put together. -Right. Like a sandwich.

Um, where are we going?

Maybe we are in the land of the stars,

we could go anywhere really.

You smoke. Are you smoking? No.

-Oh, I'm sorry you can have one. -No. No, no, no.

No, no, you can't smoke in here. No smoking.

-Where do you want to go? -Go?

Where do I want to go?

In Paris, we get in the taxi with the driver,

and we figure out where we want to go together.

It's not like that. You have to tell me where to go.

How about Hamburger American?

Hamburger.

Where Harry met Sally.

Yes, in the cafe and she has orgasm and...

And right behind her is the woman with a hamburger.

A diner. You want to go to a diner? That's fine.

Are you smoking, again? No!

-Do not smoke in here. -I'm trying not to smoke,

but you asked us where you want to go and I cannot decide without smoking.

So, what do you want to smoke or not to smoke?

Not to smoke. I very clearly want not to smoke.

No. I thought it was like when you are on a plane.

What?

And it begins to take off, you cannot smoke.

-Right. -But as soon as you go...

-No. -In the middle, they turn off the light.

-No. -And you can smoke.

-No, at no point can you smoke on an airplane. -Okay.

At no point can you smoke in this car.

Okay, would light me a second cigarette?

Sure, I can do that.

Okay, this is for you.

[driver] No. Do not put that in my mouth.

[woman] Come on.

-Mm-Hm. -Aah!

-Um. -Mm.

Oh, she is she's going home with us.

-No. Take this back. -You see this?

♪♪♪

Are you off to a Thanksgiving Gathering, I guess?

Oh, no. Actually, spending Thanksgiving alone this year.

Oh, I'm sorry for... uh, yeah.

Looks like we're both having uh Thanksgiving alone.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm just doing a couple of rounds.

Then I'm going back to my place, yeah.

My wife and kids are all excited.

-Oh, you don't say. -Yeah.

Well, yeah. I don't have a place to go.

Oh, uh...

I'm sorry.

I can't, uh...

Well, you know what? Actually, I brought some classic Thanksgiving food with me, so...

[laughs] That's great.

If you don't mind, would you still have a little Thanksgiving meal with me?

Here in the car?

Right here in the car. Why not, right?

Yeah, uh, sure.

It being Thanksgiving and all I couldn't get myself a turkey.

I had to go around to a few fast food places and pick up different Thanksgiving items.

Oh!

I got myself some chicken nuggets.

Oh!

You just use a little a popsicle stick and look at that?

-You got a drumstick. -Oh, yeah.

-It's as good as a real thing. -Oh, that's very inventive.

Now, I couldn't get my hand on any sweet potatoes,

but you get yourself some mashed potatoes, you get yourself some orange soda.

-You pour it right in... -Okay.

I'm telling you it tastes so much like the real thing.

I'll take your word for it.

-See? -Oh, yeah. Ooh!

You're eating it. Is it good?

-It's delicious. -Okay.

Now, for mashed potatoes here's a little French fries.

-Okay. -So, you just mush them up.

It's better than the real thing.

The funny thing is you could have just probably used the mashed potatoes.

Yeah, yeah. I know what I'm doing, Dad.

-[laughs] -Huh?

♪♪♪

[woman] He's trying to kidnap me!

-No, please. I'm so sorry. -He doesn't even have a toilet.

No, I have a toilet, okay? There's a toilet in my home.

-It doesn't affect you-- -Am I going to be allowed to use it?

-Can I come upstairs? -No. No, it's just you know--

I mean, not "no" you can't come upstairs, but "no"--

Oh, so I'm not allowed to come upstairs.

No, you would be, if I were to kidnap you,

you would be allowed to use my toilet,

but I'm not going to kidnap you, so you're not.

-I can't live in my own filth. -No.

I refuse to live in my own filth.

I don't want you to live in your own filth.

If I were a kidnapper, which I'm not.

And I was going to put you in a sex dungeon, which I'm not.

Why would I want you to live in your own filth

so I could have some feces-covered amenity-lacking sex slave?

I don't want that.

Why? 'cause I'm not good enough?

It has nothing to... it's not you.

-What a dick! -No, hey, come on.

Oh, please like you would get better than me.

-If I was-- -Like you could get better than this?

-Okay. -No. Please.

I am awesome to kidnap.

You would be great to kidnap, okay?

-Thank you. -You would be a great person to kidnap.

I'm sorry. I got you so worked up here.

Have a water.

Oh, yeah. Some date rape drug in here?

No. I'm not-- Ah, hey, come on!

-Just take me to my location. -I'm taking you to your location.

That's all I've been trying to do the whole time.

-Make a left. -Okay, fine, fine.

[woman] All right, well, thank you.

-This is my place. -Your welcome.

-Have a good night. -Yes, you, too.

[screaming]

That's mace motherfucker!

That's what you get for trying to kidnap me.

[screaming]

Ah, God. Oh, Jesus.

[groaning]

-Yeah. -[man] Hey, did you get her?

No, she was on to us the whole time.

Go out and get another.

Yeah, yeah. I'll get another one.

♪♪♪

Do you not have a boyfriend?

No, I don't have a boyfriend.

Okay.

Because you are lesbian?

No, I'm just not seeing anybody right now.

We could if you like, Bridget and you,

go to where you are going.

Wherever you drive, to your home.

We'll come with you, uh?

Are you suggesting that we have a threesome?

Let me be clear.

You do not have to touch his penis.

No, I do not have to participate.

I will just sit on the corner of the bed

and then later, I will go to sleep.

Do you want to see any, like sights?

-Like, any American... -Yes. Nordstrom Rack.

No. It's lame. Don't come all this way to see Nordstrom Rack.

-P.F. Chang's-- -No!

-[driver] I'm not taking you there. -Would be so cool.

It's not cool.

There is this store he loves, it's like cool hip clothes.

-Tommy Bahama. -Tommy Bahama.

Tommy Bahama. I want to be like on a vacation.

I don't want to sleep with you because you want such lame stuff.

So, you do want to sleep with us.

Not anymore.

When you pictured our threesome,

which you admitted to how big did you picture him?

Like, petitor grand?

I...

-He's very big. -Okay, I don't...

-He's too big. -Uncomfortable for even me.

It's horrible.

Have you ever heard of a ménage à trois?

Yes, I have.

Do you know ménage à quatre?

-I'm not going to have sex with a cat. -It's not a cat.

We are saying a quatre, fourth.

-Four people. -Four people.

A cat would be weird even for me.

-And I have done weird things. -Okay. All right.

♪♪♪

I don't know if you know this or not,

but you selected Drive Share pool and I got a pickup up here.

What? You mean more people are going to come in here?

Yeah. We're going to have another one with us.

You know what though there's always room at my table.

-[laughs] -Unlike your table.

[laughs]

[man laughs]

-[driver] Hey. -[man] Hey. Happy Thanksgiving.

Welcome to the feast. You can have whatever you'd like.

No. I'm good. I'm good. I usually don't eat mashed potatoes from a stranger.

-Okay. To each their own. -Yeah.

There's some leftover turkey.

Is that a chicken nugget on a stick?

If you want to break it down that way, yeah, it is.

-[man 2] Cool. -Yeah.

[man 1] Hey, you know what?

I got some wishbones.

Oh, you mind pulling on the old wishbone with me?

-Take a yank on his bone, man. -Yeah.

[bone cracking]

Oh, I got the big part. I won.

-So, I get a wish? -Yeah.

Then I have everything I need.

[laughs] I got a great family.

I have like almost too many friends.

I have a dog, I have a nice cat, and they're best friends.

I have a wife who's beautiful.

Hey, if you're not going to use your wish maybe you could give it to me.

-[laughs] -Ah, there you go.

Yeah, here.

My wish is yours, Sir.

Thank you.

My wish is that one of you two would adopt me into your beautiful families.

[laughs]

Can you adopt an adult man?

What I got to do? Put on a diaper? Ga-ga.

Oh, man! Oh!

♪♪♪

[driver] Alright, welcome to my car, slash house, slash car.

I normally would ask you to take your shoes off,

but mi casa su casaso...

-It's cool. -Yeah, no worry, dude.

You're in good hands, dude.

-Seriously. -Oh, thanks man.

Yeah, what's up with you.

Fuck!

My coffee pot.

You know what? I just didn't clean up the place.

I wasn't, you know, sure I was going to be driving right now.

So, sorry for the mess.

You weren't expecting company.

Yeah, I know for sure. For sure.

You, uh, kind of live here or...

Yeah, dude.

See I had an uncle who is kind of down on his luck.

Oh, no. There's nothing down about it, man.

Human beings have been living like hundreds of years without houses

and then we're just now discovering it again.

It's like, look at this. This is beautiful.

I get to do whatever I want.

Right.

-Is this laundry all clean or...? -What?

-The laundry? -I don't know. Show me.

Well, these look like they're rolled up, but there's just something...

-Some kind of smells... -No, that's clean.

I guess there's this one.

Oh, no. Fuck!

It's not even mine, dude.

-Oh, my God! -No, it's not--

Oh, shit! Fuck, dude!

All right. Did anything spill back there?

Yeah, just a little on the carpet.

Oh, no man!

I'm having friends over later. You got shit on my carpet?

♪♪♪

You are familiar with a ménage à sept?

-[woman] Ah, ménage à sept. -Seven people.

-Oh! -It's like, but one person comes in very late,

in like a sneaky cat burglar way.

It might be hard for you to imagine,

but a ménage à vingt et un is um, twenty-one...

-Yeah. -...in French.

And the plus one is very important

because it kind of transforms the entire group experience,

like one woman is already pregnant.

So it's like another person is there, but not actually--

I got it. It's twenty-two people somehow.

[man] Somehow is the key term,

but we have never gone beyond twenty-three.

It was the entire basketball team.

Ménage à quarante-quatre.

I imagine would be like a small parade.

Do you have any holidays here?

Where you have a tiny parade who is all down to get together?

[man] No?

Can you imagine a deux cents. Two hundred.

[man] Way too much.

It's like a Selena Gomez concert but just the VIP section.

Do you know Selena Gomez?

-[snoring] -[woman] Hello.

[screaming]

♪♪♪

They don't want you to live like this.

They really don't ever want you to know this freedom.

And do you know that over seventy percent of landlords

are not even human fucking beings, dude?

I'll have you know I actually own a little bit of property my wife and I.

You live in it or you like charge people for it?

Well, it's a rental property.

-Yeah, it's how we make some income. -I don't know, man.

If I was a landlord, fucking free rent to all the tenants.

The only way we can afford the property is by collecting rent.

-That's how we pay our mortgage. -No.

Because that's the top above you has gotten you into the system.

So, that's where you're believing that.

-No, that's-- -No, seriously, dude.

The man doesn't have to be the man.

When the man gives up being the man,

that's when things will chill out.

[banging and muffled voice]

Do you... do you hear that?

Well, yeah. I hear people rising up.

You know, your people not taking anymore.

No, it's like a physical banging.

It sounds like it's coming from the trunk.

Oh, fuck. That's my roommate. Shut up.

Your roommate? Are you okay?

It sounds like he needs to get out.

Yeah. Will you just bang on that three times with your elbow?

No!

Dude, just bang.

-[banging] -[man] Sorry.

♪♪♪

[man 1] You seem real nice. You remind me of my grandma.

And you remind me of my Uncle Jim.

Oh, oh, cool. That's great. Yeah.

Hey, hey, you know what?

Maybe we could do some LARPing?

LARPing?

-Yeah, live-action role-playing. -Oh!

You could pretend to be my granny.

You could be my Uncle Jim and we're eating dinner together.

Sure, man sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-If that sounds good for you. -Yeah.

Do you mind putting this thing on?

Oh, sure man. Sure.

Fun fact: That is actually made out of my grandma's own hair.

Oh.

[man 1 laughs]

All right.

And you can be my Uncle Jim. Okay?

[man 2] Okay, yeah.

The best part of my family dinner was at dessert.

I'm going to have myself a slice of pumpkin pie.

Oh, wow.

First, you take a little apple pie,

pumpkin spice latte.

There you go.

Oh, wow. You are like a mad scientist with those food items.

-[man 1] You want some? -No. I'm not going to do that.

Come on. Come here.

-What are you doing? -Come here. Put your head down.

What are you doing? No, no!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Don't get it on the seat.

[groans]

I thought you wanted me to baby bird it for you.

-Oh! -No!

My Uncle Jim doesn't have any teeth.

So, I got to baby bird the pie for him.

Fuck. Let's just roleplay and get it over with.

-Fuck. Stop it! -How does the pie taste, my darlin'?

It's delicious, granny. Did you make it yourself?

You know I did. I was up at four am this morning.

How's school going for you, boy?

School is good, Uncle Jim. Granny, how's grandpa doing?

Oh, you know that old son of a bitch is upstairs

probably grumbling about the turkey being overcooked.

Oh, that's funny because grandpa died before I was born, so...

Then why did you ask how he was doing?

Because it was a test. It was a granny test, grandma. Okay?

-Hey, man. -To see if you've lost your mind.

We've got to put you in a home.

I don't know your grandmother.

We're putting you in a home, grandma, okay?

If you don't know that grandpa's dead, you got to go in a home.

You're not putting me in a home.

You got to go in the home!

Oh, I ain't going to die--

I'm sick of this family fighting all the time!

I'm sick of it!

-[crying] -Shut up!

You wreck it, granny, you always wreck it.

-Stop arguing. Stop arguing! -Shut up, Uncle Jim!

-Go to your room. -No, you go to my room.

Oh, no.

[screaming]

I hate this!

-[crying] -[laughing]

Ah! That was perfect.

You know what? You can actually drop me off right over here.

♪♪♪

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, I'm so sorry I actually should take this.

-It's kind of somebody... -It's fine.

Hey! No. I left. I left the scene.

Because I didn't know.

I thought I should talk to my lawyer first.

Yes, you!

It was my fault, but I don't think anybody saw me.

-I'm sorry. Should I be hearing this? -Oh, no, no, no.

I feel like I shouldn't be hearing this.

Uh, no. It's lawyer-client privilege so, it's okay.

But I am not your lawyer.

Uh, I don't know. Twenty-four, twenty-five years old.

No, I pushed it into the rain drain.

Could you maybe have this call another time?

Can you excuse me? This is a very important phone call for me.

You think I should go out of state?

I really don't want to hear it.

This is not appropriate. It's really not--

You're being inappropriate.

-Are you kidding me with that? -What?

You're talking about murdering a twenty-four or a twenty-five-year-old.

Hold on. I am not talking about murdering anybody.

You are sitting there talking about that.

You don't know anything.

I know that there is a body in a rain drain.

I know you hit it with your car and you left the scene.

I could only assume of a crime.

No, my passenger. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could take her.

No. Okay, you need to pull over right now.

[driver] Okay.

Where? Where is that? In the factory district.

No, you are not taking me to the factory district.

-I just got to make one stop. -I hate it there.

I just got to make one stop.

If you think you could take me, you are wrong.

I can do it. I can totally... Yup. I agree.

She knows too much. Mm-Hm.

What is this like some Alpha Dog shit right here? Okay, no.

It didn't work for them and it's not going to work for you.

Is that the movie with Forest Whitaker?

Maybe.

♪♪♪

Come on, man. See these guys like this.

See, you can tell. He's just plugged into the system.

She's driving around from some job to some family or something.

Yeah, I don't think there's that much wrong with that.

I mean, there's something noble to earning a living,

and getting a house,

and finding a wife, and settling down.

You want to chill out, dude?

I know what you need here.

I got something you need... fucking.

[driver whistles]

Oh.

Right?

[laughing]

-Right? -I don't know, man.

See, just try this. Just take this, dude.

I can't give it away because this is like,

honestly, I make more on this stuff than I do on the car.

So, you want your tip?

Yeah, that's it. It's just a tip, dude. Just a tip.

I'll tell you what, man? You sound like you could use it.

So do you want it?

Okay, man here you go.

-All right. -Barter system.

That's fair. There's your shit. There's my shit.

Ten bucks, dude. That's way too much.

-Crazy. -All right, asshole.

-Way too fucking much. -Whoa! What the fuck?

-Hands up. -Okay, man.

Put your hands on the fucking car, dude.

What the fuck, man? What the fuck is going on?

-I didn't do anything! -Justice, dude.

-What the fuck? Don't touch me, man. -I'm not touching you.

Oh, my God.

Your life is about to get fucked.

You trapped me.

Dude, entrapment is four-tenths of the way it works.

That can't be right.

[crying] This can't be right.

I know, man. Just fucking kidding, dude.

-[laughing] -What?

-What? -I'm just fucking kidding, dude.

-You're on a prank show. -What?

It's called Psycho Out.

Psycho--

-That's why the camera is on. -These fucking cameras.

-Oh, my God. -There's a camera.

There's a camera. There's a camera.

There's a fucking camera in the back of the seat, dude.

Dude, gun's real.

Dude, everybody can take a bow.

This was just really great, guys.

-I can't believe you got me. -Really great shit.

I didn't see it. I didn't. Thank you.

Oh, my God! I can't believe I didn't see that.

We haven't even been driving, you, dumbass.

-No, way! -I know, shoot.

[driver] We've been sitting in this room with these fucking cameras

pretending to be in a fucking car, dude.

That's nuts.

Oh! You just got psych' out.

You just got psych' outed.

We're not sure what the phrase is yet.

♪♪♪

Where you going?

I'm just driving around wherever the road may take me.

I like to get out on Thanksgiving Day.

Yeah, it's good. Stretch the legs and into a car.

-[man 1] Yeah. -[laughs]

If only I was driving a Plymouth, huh?

[laughs]

Yeah.

[laughing] Plymouth. Plymouth Rock.

Yeah.