Original subtitles

♪♪♪

[siren wailing]

[police radio]

Good evening, Sir. Are you Kenny?

Yeah.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

-No. -To get a ride to work.

[laughs]

-[police officer] Oh, boy. -Yeah. All right.

[sighs]

Never had a cop as a passenger before.

Well, don't think of me as a cop.

I'm just a guy going to work.

And you're just a driver taking me to work.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, sorry.

It's all right. The badge freaks people out.

Yeah.

-Whoa! What are you doing? -What? What?

Were you just using your phone?

I just... had to put in Waze.

Yeah, sir. You're supposed to be using a hands-free device.

Yeah, sorry. I just had to...

-Oh, no. Don't worry about it. -Plug in the addresses.

Everybody does it, right?

[laughs]

Going to have to write you a ticket though.

-What's that? -Distracted driving.

Oh, but I...

I had to plug in the address of where you're headed.

Right, I saw what happened.

So. Sorry, but... Right?

-[police laughing] -Yeah.

Any way you could let me off with a warning or...

Don't do that again.

Okay.

There's your warning.

[laughing] And here's your ticket.

Great. Okay, uh, thank you.

Look, I hate to do that.

Yeah, I don't... believe me. I don't want more tickets.

Neither do I, hate tickets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it.

So, there are any drugs in the car?

Uh, no Sir.

You're sure, there's no drugs in the car?

No drugs in the car, Sir, none.

Right, right. Says the guy with half a roach in his pocket.

[laughs]

I don't have a roach in my pocket.

Oh! That was a yellow light.

Um, when? Just now.

Yeah, just now. Let me guess? You didn't see it?

No, I just did, but it had just been green. So, I've--

Just been green? That's progression of light.

-Lights go from green to red. -Okay, yeah.

And in the middle, there's something called a yellow.

Do you know what to do when there's a yellow light?

-Slow down-- -Slow down?

If you slow down, you'll be in the middle of the intersection. Am I right?

Uh, yes, yes, Sir.

-Great. So, we agree? -Yes.

When you go to a yellow light, what do you do there?

-You stop at the yellow light. -You stop. That's right.

-Failure to stop before-- -I'm getting another ticket?

You are getting another ticket.

It was a yellow light. I didn't run a red.

No, you didn't run a red, which is great.

I'm glad that you know that.

♪♪♪

[sighs] Uh, boy!

[chuckles]

Rough day?

Uh, you know what, I'm sorry and I don't mean to be rude,

but can we, um...

skip the, you know, the false interest in my well-being?

-No, absolutely. Absolutely. -Okay.

[sighs]

Oh! Oh, God. Oh.

[sighs]

I'm sorry. I have to ask.

What the hell is up with your hands?

Oh, the...

-[laughing] Yeah. Yeah. -The fingers.

[laughing] Yes.

Yeah, okay.

You know what? You asked.

[laughs]

-Here we go. -Okay.

I am a big frisbee golf fan.

In fact, I would say that I am a frolf fanatic.

Okay, and...

And?

And how'd...?

And you got those on your fingers because...

Oh, right sorry.

I started thinking about frisbee golf and I didn't answer your question.

Okay. So, I'm a big frisbee golf fan.

A guy who I work with, this guy Gary in my office,

he works in cubicle next to me.

He came in one day with these virtual reality glasses and gloves.

And Gary goes, "I have a frisbee golf app."

I'm like, "Are you kidding? Sign me up.

Put those suckers on me."

-Oh... -Put those suckers on my face.

Right, okay. Right.

-Give me those gloves... -Right. Yes.

And let's get into some, you know, frisbee golf bin.

So, he puts on the virtual reality goggles.

Right.

And then he slips on the gloves,

but I'm like, I pull up the goggles and...

Right. You got dildos all over your hands.

[laughs]

No, no, no. He puts his shoes, his work shoes on my hands.

Oh.

-Somebody's dirty, sweaty... -Oh.

...shoes on my on my hands.

Right and so then what's worse than shoes?

I mean... uh, dog crap or--

No. No. I'm sorry. Look, you tell the story. You tell the story.

Garbage from a...

No, I mean that's that. That... that's...

-That's what? -That's the story.

He put these...

Oh, I'm sorry.

-You're talking about these. -Right. Right. Right.

-[laughing] -Right.

I got a little... Sometimes I go bing, bing, bing, bing.

-Right turn, right turn. -Yeah.

You got some. I'm sorry, you got something--

-Oh, no. Oh, whoa, whoa. You got something in your hair.

It's, like, a little fuzzy...

Okay, one of those smells. One of those smells.

♪♪♪

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Uh, no. Go ahead. What's up? What's going on?

What's um-- what's the idea behind all of these toy balls?

This is just a little fun for the passenger, you know.

So, have fun back there.

These balls... this is childish.

Well that's the point, Sir. It's supposed to be childish.

You know, why not put some fun out into the world?

Well, I disagree. I don't think people want to feel ridiculous.

When was the last time you went to a ball thing?

A long time, right?

I've seen them.

And you haven't gone in?

While we're on it Timmy,

I'm concerned about some of the safety issues in a ball pit car,

namely a ball getting under the brake.

-Oh, yeah. That'll happen. -It does happen?

Yeah, but it's just one of the drawbacks, you know.

Sometimes, it'll get under the brake pedal and ooh, can't brake.

What happens if we have a head-on collision?

Yeah. Don't worry. You are protected

by a thousand cushy balls back here, okay.

You'll be fine.

Look, would you mind if I make a quick business call here?

Go ahead, Sir. I'm just going to drive.

Okay, thank you.

Jim, yeah. Hi, it's Frank.

Look, I'm just calling to confirm

that we're having a business meeting this afternoon.

Excellent.

Yes, yes. I hope to close that business deal.

I'm with you on that one, friend.

We'll complete this meeting in--

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God! -What happened, Sir?

I dropped my phone in your stupid balls.

You should probably dive down there--

I'm not diving down into virus balls.

-Are you still on the phone? -I think it's still on.

Sounded like a big business deal.

Jim, hang up because I don't want you to hear this insane conversation--

Sell, sell, sell!

Don't sell. Don't sell!

-We can't-- -Buy, buy, buy!

-That's better. -[Jim] We're selling.

-Jim, bye. - All right. Bye-bye.

No, not goodbye. Buy, buy them.

-Oh, God! -What happened?

Everything was riding on this deal.

If this falls through, I've got nothing.

Say no more, Sir.

I know what's going to cheer you up.

Where'd you go?

Who's driving?

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing back here?

I just came to check on you. How you doing?

-Wait, who's driving the car? -What?

You got to drive the car, man.

Oh, yeah, I had it on cruise control. Sorry about that.

You can't do that. We're in the city.

Yes, someone needs to turn, right.

Yes, someone needs to turn and brake.

-I'll see you in a minute. -Oh, God!

-Get up there quicker. -What?

No, don't stop.

Please, please get back up there and drive the car.

-Okay. -Grab the wheel.

Quicker.

-Oh! -I left my sunglasses back here.

You don't need your sunglasses.

-Please! -Can't drive without them, Sir.

Oh, no you... That's... Someone!

♪♪♪

[police] You can take these tickets up with the judge.

As you can see, there's a date on each one of these where you can appear.

Wear something nice. It's much easier--

I'm going to have to go to court for every single one of these tickets?

You're going to have to go to court because there's so many of them,

[laughing] which is so weird.

Who knew, you were going to be my jackpot?

Not me. I didn't know that.

This is like one of those moments when you're meeting somebody new,

and you're having a good time.

And you say to yourself, "Oh, I wish I had some beer or maybe, like, a joint to smoke."

-Kick back-- -I don't know.

I wouldn't feel comfortable smoking a joint with a cop.

The safest place in the world is to smoke a joint with a cop.

-Let's be honest. -No, that can't be true.

-It's true! -No, way.

You're already with a cop, what could happen?

I don't know. I don't know.

Seriously, what could happen?

-Really? -Yeah, a lot of cops smoke.

Right before they go to work they smoke.

Oh, my God! No one will believe me.

I know right, no one's going to believe you. Yeah!

-Whoa! What is this? Hey. -Okay.

Wait, am I under arrest?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, come on! You set me up.

-Possession of marijuana. -Come on!

When I got in the car, what did I ask you?

You asked me if I had any weed in the car.

That's, right. And what did you say?

I said, "I didn't have any weed in the car."

But you did because your passenger did.

I don't want to go to prison because you brought a joint to my car.

I'm not taking you to prison. I'm taking you to my office.

Well, then I'm going to go to prison eventually.

-That is how it works. -It's not how I want it to work.

Okay, yeah. Make a right over here.

-Okay. Sure. -Pull into the station.

I'm not going to pay for this ride.

Oh, come on, man.

♪♪♪

[man] So, what about these is your question?

-Well, cut to... I'm back in my house. -Okay.

And my neighbor, this guy Frank. Great guy.

Uh-huh.

It's Friday night, we're a couple of six-packs in

and we're feeling it, you know, and...

-[laughs] -Yeah.

And at one point, I think he said, or maybe I said,

or maybe I said something that sparked something that he said,

or whatever the thing is.

He goes, "Wouldn't it be funny, if instead of fingers we had a penis finger?

Oh, shit! Oh, shit, Frank!

And it was like the booze or whatever was it was...

-Right. -But we were laughing.

-Right. -It was crazy, crazy night.

-Right. Yeah. -I definitely had too much to drink.

Oh!

And so, I wake up and, you know, guess what?

[laughing] That motherfucker put sex toys all on your hands.

No, no.

I walked in on Frank having sex with my wife.

-Oh, shit! -My soon-to-be my ex.

-We had three kids. -Horrible, horrible.

Three beautiful kids.

Evan, Stephanie, and little Glenn.

I don't want to stop you.

I just I have to ask how did you get those dildos on your hands?

You have several large dildos.

Oh!

Apparently glued to your hands.

-How did that happen? -They're superglued to my hands.

-Okay. -It's a very crazy story and...

-Okay. -And very easy to--

-Oh, here we are. -Right.

-Just pull over, right here. -Okay. Oh, yeah. I'll pull over.

[man] Do you mind opening the door for me?

-[driver] No, I don't mind. -Thank you.

Just real quick, how did you...?

♪♪♪

[man] I appreciate what you're trying to do.

-Thank you. -But I can't have fun.

There's a part of me that wants to just dive into these balls and have a blast,

but I can't because of my dad.

My dad always had such high expectations.

He never let me have fun.

He used to take me to McDonald's,

and I had to order a plain burger, no cheese,

and I was not allowed to go in the ball pit.

-[man crying] -Is that something you wanted to do?

He didn't believe in smiling or whistling or even humming.

It was put on your tie, son,

[sobbing] pull out your ledger.

-Dad! -Holy shit!

Forgive me, son. I wasn't a good father,

but I should have let you play with your balls.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too.

Let's play with the balls.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Your dad was back there the whole time?

I knew there was something that stunk.

[all laugh]

Dads.

♪♪♪

You're probably all wondering why I've gathered you here tonight.

[Boyle] Chambermaid Beth,

Professor, Miss Green.

No, um technically you didn't gather me.

I'm just heading to the movies.

Oh, yes. Yes. This is Brett, part of the Drive-Share pool.

He wasn't part of the original plan,

but nonetheless, you all share a dirty and deadly secret.

And, tonight, we will find out

how that secret connects you all.

[thunder clap]

Huh? That lightning blinded me.

-Oh, my God he's dead. -[Boyle] What?

[Miss Green] He's dead!

[screaming]

Enough!

Brett is dead.

A murder has happened in this very drive share.

Each one of you have a motive.

Oh, well, I never...

Professor, was it you?

No, I'm a professor. I have tenure.

Well, let me draw your attention to the year 2014.

Brett was a student in your class.

He challenged the very thesis that you built your career upon.

-[thunder clap] -Okay, enough!

[professor] It's true.

He was always too smart for his own good,

but I didn't kill him. I didn't kill him, I say.

Likely story from a murderer.

But chambermaid Beth.

You also are not above accusation.

Did you know, Brett?

Of course, not. I've never seen him before.

Oh, a likely story.

Maybe you're only used to seeing him in the dark.

-[gasping] -[Boyle] That's, right.

Brett was a frequent visitor to your Air B&B

in which you had an illicit affair with him of the sexual kind.

Fine we did--

-And Miss Greene. -Yes?

Don't look too innocent because you too had a motive.

[laughing] No, I've never had a motive in my life.

Really? Wasn't the motive enough that he was your illegitimate brother?

-Oh! -What?

That's right.

She left him for dead when they were out playing in the snow,

back in the early '90s.

How could you?

I thought dying in the snow was the kindest way to die.

But he didn't die

and you were determined to kill him

to make sure he'd never shared your secret.

Aha!

Please.

Detective Boyle, was it you?

Me? Well, I would never kill Brett.

Why I know that you have a very storied history with him.

I don't. I really don't.

Yes, you do!

All right, I do.

He rode in my cab one time, and he gave me three stars.

It lowered my rating.

Ah, so you admit it.

You had a motive just as equal as the three people in this car.

[crying] Yes, yes, I did.

Detective, look at what you've done?

You've only proved that we all have a motive.

Good thing, I have some theories on who did it.

[thunder clap]

♪♪♪

It's invigorating being on TV, isn't it?

-Yeah. -The lights...

We were just on a "million-dollar guesses."

That's so cool, guys.

You won a million dollars?

-What we won was an experience. -Not everybody's guesses gets the million dollar.

-[Brian] Yes. -Oh.

That is sort of like life, you know, you make a choice,

it's that you take a path and you just leave it behind.

And the game's so like, like you can either try...

-Yeah. -And excel at them...

-Which we did. -Or you can just implode.

-[Brian] You're being too... You did not implode. -Me, myself.

He thinks he's been beating himself up since we lost.

He got the clues wrong and he's, like, he can't stop beating himself up.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.

You take turns. I'll get a category.

And I'll give a series of clues.

-I'll do one. -Okay.

All right. Ready?

So, it will be a cereal, hairbrush,

tabloid magazine, sand pail.

Okay, okay. How many clues do I get?

That's all the clues.

Okay, what do you think it is?

Oh, I know what it is 'cause these are the examples he used in the show.

Yeah.

What do you think it is? And this is actually good.

Tabloid magazine, brush, cereal...

-What was the other one? -Sand pail, like something you bring to the beach.

Things in a station wagon?

What?

-Yes. -How did you get that?

-[Brian] See? that's obvious. -This is silly.

-[Brian] That's obvious. -What are you talking about?

Those are in my car. Those are in my station wagon.

-Your specific car. -Those are in my station wagon.

If you're trying to say things in a car, wouldn't you say steering wheel, seat belts?

Wait, how do you apply for this game show?

♪♪♪

[professor] And just to recap,

Brett here is really dead, right?

That is death. Believe me, I've seen quite a lot of it.

Perhaps the murder happened a little something like this.

♪♪♪

[Boyle] I was reading a book,

while the Professor and Miss Green were canoodling.

Meanwhile, Chambermaid Beth pulled out a wrench

and bludgeoned him to death.

[thump]

[Boyle] But maybe it didn't happen that way at all.

Maybe everyone else was taking a brief nap

and the Professor convinced him to kill himself.

[professor] No one likes you, Brett.

Maybe you should kill yourself.

♪♪♪

[Boyle] Or perhaps, I was listening to the radio

and Chambermaid Beth and the Professor were getting drunk

when Mrs. Green whacked him with a candlestick.

♪♪♪

But maybe it was...

Hey, look everyone, a Jackalope.

[shots]

I don't see it.

So, there you have it.

Well, that's a lot of theories, Detective,

[all] but which one is it?

[laughing] Wouldn't you like to know?

-That sounds great. -Yes.

No, I actually don't know.

All of them sound very viable.

I kind of have to sit down with a pen and paper, kind of, pro and con it.

If we can meet up here tomorrow night,

then we will figure out who the murderer is

because if there's one thing I do know

Bret is dead.

Hmm, I fell asleep.

-[all screaming] -He's alive!

[screaming]

-[screaming] -[shots]

Oh. God!

We must keep this a secret forever bonded by his blood.

Case closed.

♪♪♪

-Here the clues. -And how much is this worth?

-A billion dollars. -A billion dollars?

-Oh, my God! -A billion-dollars guesses.

-Welcome back to billion-dollar guesses. -[driver] All right.

-You can do a lot with a billion dollars. -You could invent Facebook.

You could rebuild your house. His house got flooded.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You could have really used that million dollars.

Yeah. You can do a lot with a million dollars.

All right. What are the clues?

-The clues? -And this if for a billion.

-A billion dollars. -This is for a billion.

The examples are: Paw Patrol, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,

Donald Duck, Inspector Gadget.

[both] Things you would not eat.

-What? -Things you would not to eat.

-Things you would not eat. -Yeah.

We got a billion dollars.

-Billion dollar guesses. -Why would that be. It's just cartoons.

If the category was things you wouldn't eat, why would I only list cartoons?

I feel like if it was cartoons, you would say drawings, colored in on paper...

-Smudged head. -Yeah. Yes.

Really? You wouldn't list popular cartoons that everybody knows?

If you give a clue that's so specific to you and your childhood,

it's going to be hard for other people to understand.

I listed a wide array of cartoon franchises.

Here, let me give you an example.

Okay, let's see if we are on the same page here.

-All right. -Okay.

Empty chip bag,

the tail of a possum, and a fireman's helmet.

Things you'd find at a construction site.

That's exactly what it is. That's it.

There may have been a fire at the construction site.

Possums love a safe space,

-and people eat chips-- -How do I even know that's what you were thinking of?

-You could have just said-- -Because I knew.

She knew. We're on the same page. We should play together next time.

Oh, my God! Can you go on the show more than once?

You don't have to be related. I thought we had to be related that's why I brought John.

-I would totally love that. -[Brian] Would you do that?

They're not going to let you go back on the game show.

-Yeah, they will. -You weren't on the game show.

Since you lost the game for him he should get another shot.

See, I can't say that because I'm his older brother.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -No, it's okay.

It's something I live with every day.

You know what it is, it's like whether it's like, him flooding his house,

I have to take care of it. His wife gets hit by a train, I got to take care of it.

-You know-- -How are you taking care of it?

By putting us on this game show so that it will help you pay for it.

You messed it up!

You always wreck everything. You flooded my house.

You let my dog run into the street and die.

You let my wife get crushed.

You broke my lawnmower.

[both] Things you'd find in an airport.

Yeah!

She was in it. That's got to be it.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪