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1
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:08,052
♪♪
2
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,489
[honking]
3
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:19,544
-Hey, that's a pretty sweet
watch you got there.
-Oh, thank you.
4
00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,464
That's cool.
Is that the Apple Watch?
5
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,069
Uh, yeah.
6
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,850
-Can I see that?
-Yes.
7
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:27,975
-So it just dings--
-Mm-hm.
8
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,638
-When you get a text message--
-Yeah, you get a--
9
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:34,772
-Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
-It's okay. It's totally okay.
10
00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:38,207
All the money goes to the app,
so I don't have any money on me.
11
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,165
I'm not mugging you.
Are you kidding? No, no.
12
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:45,385
I don't want any money.
I just want to get to the CVS--
13
00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:47,956
-Mm-hm. Great.
-Off Laurel Canyon in Ventura.
14
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:50,834
I know who you are, okay?
I just-- I know who you are.
15
00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:53,306
So we can drop the game.
16
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,397
-What are you talking about?
-I know about
17
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:59,056
how you almost got those people
at Inspiration Point and--
18
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:01,932
-Inspiration-- oh, my God.
-Everybody knows that story.
19
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:04,284
I know what you're thinking
and I was not near those kids.
20
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:07,105
-It's--
-I did see them
hanging out by the lake.
21
00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:10,294
I went to their truck to say,
"You can't party here,"
22
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:13,901
they started to drive away,
I wanted to tell them
don't go that way.
23
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:16,733
-And so I latched on.
-What--
24
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,952
-You know, and, you know--
-Please don't tear my seat.
25
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:24,212
-Please don't tear my seat.
-My hook ended up getting
stuck in the door.
26
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:27,168
-So it's a true story.
-It was those kids' fault.
27
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:30,047
I was telling them,
"Don't drive that direction,
28
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,090
there's a cliff over there
that you can't see."
29
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:36,046
And they kept saying,
"Get away from us."
30
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,396
It's not me. It's them.
31
00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:40,876
♪♪
32
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:47,190
Hey, man, we're just heading
up the street to uh--
33
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:49,147
[robotic voice]
Hello and welcome
34
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:51,326
to the self-driving car.
35
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:56,506
-Oh... Okay.
-This car is 100% self-driving.
36
00:01:56,551 --> 00:02:00,081
So sit back,
relax and enjoy the ride.
37
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:05,170
Okay, all right. I didn't know
these things were on the road.
38
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,132
What is your final destination?
39
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:10,170
I'm just headed
up the street to the mall.
40
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,037
Did you say public library?
41
00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:14,258
-The mall.
-Did you say public toilet?
42
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:16,698
The mall.
I'm going to the mall.
43
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:22,395
Scanning. Scanning.
Location found, local mall.
44
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:25,836
-Okay.
-Would you like a mint
or a water?
45
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,194
-I'll take water.
-Serve yourself.
46
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:31,145
-It is 100% free.
-Well, thank you.
47
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:34,074
Would you like to talk
about small talk?
48
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,505
Yeah, let's do
some small talk, why not.
49
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,158
How about this weather?
50
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,292
It's good, man.
51
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:43,155
How about this weather?
52
00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:48,082
You know what? Maybe we just--
we should not do the small talk.
53
00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:50,134
Do you like sports?
54
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:54,000
I don't think we should talk
for the rest of the drive.
55
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:58,003
Understood. Who do you think
is the best race?
56
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,486
What-- what kind
of a question is that?
57
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:04,879
-I don't like Filipinos.
-What?
58
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:09,453
-I don't like Filipinos.
-Okay. Why?
59
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:13,063
-How is my driving so far?
-Um...
60
00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,315
Tell me I'm a good driver.
61
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,981
Fucking tell me
I'm a good driver.
62
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:21,943
Oh, calm down, alright?
You're a good driver.
63
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:27,159
-Please, slow down a little bit.
-Did you say speed up?
64
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,427
-No, I think you should
probably slow down.
-[honking]
65
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,171
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm a computer.
66
00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:36,562
-Oh, okay.
-Are you a computer?
67
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:39,697
-No.
-No, you're not a computer.
68
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,571
Who is a computer in this car?
69
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:44,702
-You.
-That's right. I'm a computer.
70
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,006
You're just some dude.
71
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:48,451
Watch out for that guy up there.
72
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:52,229
-Which guy?
-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh!
73
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:55,665
-Oh, my God!
You just hit that guy.
-Who did?
74
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:58,673
You did. There's a guy
in the street right now.
We got to go back.
75
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,196
♪♪
76
00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:10,079
Hey, man,
I think there's a mistake.
I ordered a Drive Share Black.
77
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:13,249
-You are not black at all.
-No. Oh, no, no.
78
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:16,686
I'm so sorry for the confusion.
No, I'm definitely
not black at all, no.
79
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,694
Drive Share Black
is our sedan service.
80
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:23,179
No, man. When I ordered
Drive Share Black,
it comes with a black driver
81
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:26,179
that I can relate to
about a multitude of topics.
82
00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:28,572
-Oh, I promise you can relate
to me, okay. It's--
-Really?
83
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,656
-Oh, I'm very relatable, yeah.
-You think I can relate to you?
84
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,186
-Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.
-Okay. Uh--
85
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,060
-What's your name, man?
-Kenny.
86
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:40,191
Oh, my God. Kenny. Kenny,
do you have a butthole?
87
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:43,106
-What?
-It sounds like you're just
missing parts of yourself.
88
00:04:43,152 --> 00:04:46,162
-I have a butthole.
-I have a cousin Kenny.
He says it like that, Kenny.
89
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,508
Is that how Kenny sounds
with a big butthole? I don't--
90
00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,119
You just don't have
any bass in your voice, man.
91
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,029
I don't think that's
a butthole thing.
92
00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:54,084
-Say your name with gusto,
Kenny.
-Kenny.
93
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:57,119
Oh, God, you sound like
you adopt other white people.
94
00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:01,606
Oh, no. I would never adopt
somebody. That's beneath me.
95
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:04,999
It's beneath you?
I don't think you'll be able
to relate to me at all.
96
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:08,003
No, no, I'm sure
I could relate to you.
97
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,396
I bet we have a lot of similar
things in our upbringing.
98
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,400
-For instance,
when you were a kid--
-Yeah.
99
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,442
--what was your masseuses name?
100
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:16,188
-My who now?
-Masseuse.
101
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,138
We had no damn masseuse.
102
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,487
Wait, you didn't have a masseuse
when you were a kid?
103
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:21,967
No, I didn't have
a damn masseuse, Kenny.
104
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,017
Were your parents
in the Peace Corps?
105
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,982
What's the--
how did that happen?
106
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:28,201
This right here
is what I'm talking about.
107
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,980
We cannot relate on anything.
108
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,635
No, no, no, no, we can--
we can definitely relate.
109
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,810
-No.
-Where was
your family's summer house?
110
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,076
Was it in Block Island
or you like a Montauk people?
111
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:42,344
Are you fucking kidding me?
You live in a world
where you have two houses.
112
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:44,515
-No, we had way more
than two houses.
-That's disgusting.
113
00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:47,171
-What's disgusting about it?
-Why do you need
that many houses?
114
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,826
If you've ever been in a house
during the summer, it's muggy.
115
00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:52,091
You got to get
a special house near the beach
116
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,144
and then another house
for the last week of August
117
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,089
somewhere where
there's a good lobster bake.
118
00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:00,234
So glad you brought it up.
I'm hungry.
119
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:01,752
♪♪
120
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,854
[man] I should really buckle in.
121
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:13,325
Please don't.
Okay, do you need help?
122
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,639
I don't need help.
Thank you very much.
123
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,640
Thank you very much.
124
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,433
Just you don't--
you can be gentle with it.
125
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,860
You can be gentle with it.
You don't have to--
126
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:28,517
-I don't know what it is
with you people.
-You people?
127
00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:32,442
I mean passengers.
Not hook people.
128
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,699
Do you know what it's like to
live with this kind of burden?
129
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,144
-You choose that burden.
-I do not choose this.
130
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,880
-Yeah, you choose the hook.
-Think of what my Halloween
options are?
131
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:43,012
-You could be anything
for Halloween.
-Pirate?
132
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:47,151
Basically what I'm wearing
right now with a mask
133
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,713
or villain from The Fugitive.
134
00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:54,675
-That's like my entire list.
-You could also leave
the hook at home.
135
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:58,028
Unless you've permanently
secured it to your nub,
136
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,459
you could just leave it at home.
137
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,196
You know what you're "hookist."
138
00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:03,156
-Excuse me?
-You're a hookist.
139
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:05,375
-Like, racist for hooks?
-If you saw me on the street
140
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,035
and this was a regular cab,
you'd be like,
141
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,688
"I'm not picking
up that hooker. No way."
142
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:12,213
I wouldn't say that.
I'm not "hookist."
143
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:15,572
Why are you holding it up
in the air?
144
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:17,049
I'm not holding
it up in the air.
145
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,128
Again, what's the deal?
146
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,606
I'm hanging out in the car
147
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,436
holding on to these handles
148
00:07:21,484 --> 00:07:23,184
that are in all Priuses
for no reason.
149
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,435
♪♪
150
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,974
[car's voice]
Oh, you really did it.
151
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:34,976
Why didn't you say something?
This is on you.
152
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,979
-What? No.
-Look at what you did.
153
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,552
-No. You did-- you hit the guy.
-Did I?
154
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,110
Yes. I'm not driving the car.
155
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:44,327
I can't go to jail.
I'm a computer.
156
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,726
-Are you really trying
to put this on me?
-You made me.
157
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,990
I'm in the backseat,
I'm not driving.
158
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,123
You fucked up this time, bro.
159
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:52,205
Me? I'm not driving the car.
160
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,784
-I'm just a computer.
-Yeah, I know.
161
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:55,782
I don't know anything.
162
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:58,218
You just told me
you were a great driver.
163
00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,920
-Did I say that?
-Yes, you said that.
164
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:03,268
Let me play back
the conversation for you.
165
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:06,878
[man] Cool, a self-driving car.
Let's go hit some people.
166
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:08,751
Also I hate Filipinos.
167
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:11,402
That's-- no,
that is not what happened.
168
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:14,837
-That's what I remember.
-This is messed up.
I'm calling the cops.
169
00:08:14,885 --> 00:08:17,535
-Tightening seatbelts.
-Oh, my God.
170
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,374
-Tightening seatbelts.
-Dude.
171
00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:21,981
-I'm a self-driving car.
-Yeah, I know that.
172
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,463
-Don't try to escape.
-[panting]
173
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,204
-Alcohol mist.
-Aw, what?
174
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,559
You sure seem drunk.
175
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:35,249
Doors locked. Doors locked.
176
00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:37,077
-[siren wailing]
-Stop it.
177
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:42,429
-Ouch, you're beating me. Ouch.
-Yeah, I am.
178
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,266
-Police pursuing.
-What do you mean?
Are they really?
179
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:52,050
Look at you. Now your prints
are on the wheel, asshole.
180
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,493
Fuck. Stop the car. Let me out.
181
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,576
None of this would have happened
If you hadn't hit that guy.
182
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:02,106
You hit the guy.
I didn't hit the guy.
183
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:05,370
Why are you doing this to me,
man? I was just trying
to go to the mall.
184
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:08,164
-You're going to prison.
-No, you're going to prison.
185
00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,939
Do you know what they do
to guys like you in prison?
186
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:15,725
Scanning. Scanning.
Jail rape movie.
187
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:18,122
[man] Daddy's got
a sweet tooth tonight.
188
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,076
When I'm done
with your bitch ass,
189
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:22,304
-I'm gonna auction you off.
-[sirens wailing]
190
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:25,484
I should have never taken
one of these self-driving cars.
191
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:26,611
♪♪
192
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:34,617
-You know what losing is?
-I've lost, definitely.
I've lost before, yeah.
193
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,181
-You-- okay.
-Let me tell you this.
194
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:38,747
I applied to both
Bates and Bowdoin
195
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,445
and I didn't get
into either one.
196
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:43,102
I had to go to Vassar, ugh.
197
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,537
-Wow.
-Yeah, right?
198
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,535
-So you feel my pain.
-No, I don't feel your pain.
199
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,107
That's not real pain, Kenny.
Know what happened to me?
200
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:52,204
-It affected me deeply.
-I had to go
to Community College.
201
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:54,863
Didn't even have a name,
just Community College,
202
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:57,988
with a bunch of people from
the community who all failed.
203
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,772
-Know what my first class was?
-No.
204
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:02,556
Kitchen appliances
and, also lawyering.
205
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,172
It was kitchen appliances
and also lawyering?
206
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,483
With a coma before the 'also'.
207
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:10,089
Grammatically, I don't even
know if that's accurate, Kenny.
208
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:14,271
-No, the kitchen appliances
and also lawyering.
-I don't know.
209
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:18,099
I guess you're right. Your life
is almost as difficult as mine.
210
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,879
Why are you working
for Drive Share?
211
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:22,143
-You don't need this.
-No, I need this.
212
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:25,836
When I moved out here,
I thought that I'd be able
213
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,576
to live off
of my trust fund for a while
214
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,197
but I squandered it all
foolishly
215
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:33,939
-in the first six months
I was here--
-On what?
216
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:37,161
You ever see in movies when
people have sushi dinners
217
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:39,901
off of a naked Japanese lady?
218
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:41,953
Yeah, yeah, I've always
wanted to do that.
219
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,729
Yeah, that's all I ate
for six months.
220
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:46,693
Are you kidding me?
Did you know these people?
221
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,523
What? No, I don't talk
to the help, no.
222
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,085
But anyway, so I squandered
my fortune and now I'm...
223
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:58,049
[scoffs]
driving, like a chauffeur.
224
00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:00,922
Or just a person with a car.
225
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:03,794
You can appreciate
how low this is for me.
226
00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:06,187
I mean I'm just
taking people places,
227
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:09,150
their nice lives, and I have
to drive all the way back
228
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,580
up to the top of the Hollywood
Hills at the end of the night.
229
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:15,147
You know, my life is hollow.
My life used to have meaning,
230
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,196
-okay?
-Yeah.
231
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:18,071
Listen, Kenny,
232
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:22,417
I could understand,
man, that you got--
233
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,034
listen, don't wave
my hand off again, man.
234
00:11:25,075 --> 00:11:27,815
I don't need your stereotypical
black man pity, okay?
235
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:30,081
That doesn't make
any goddamn sense.
236
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,044
It's the biggest stereotype
about black men,
237
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:33,482
-they pity everybody.
-There's not any--
238
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,388
-Oh, yeah, sure.
-That'd be awesome.
239
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:39,394
Oh man, you know, black people
have tons of pity...
240
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:43,177
Everyone sees a black man,
they assume he's looking
for somebody to pity.
241
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:45,014
That's--
that's the assumption you get.
242
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,182
People see me and they assume
243
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:50,188
I'm looking for a good
magazine sale or something.
244
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:53,151
Like I'm just looking for a new
issue of Martha Stewart Living.
245
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:54,630
Well, I'm not, okay?
246
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,590
You do have
that Martha Stewart...
247
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,408
I have a subscription, okay.
I'm not a pauper.
248
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,676
I know you do, man.
I didn't have to ask you.
249
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,550
♪♪
250
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,470
-Mind if I turn on the radio?
-Yeah, go ahead.
251
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:11,690
[man's voice] Once again,
man with a hook for a hand
252
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,951
has escaped from the shady
Knowles Mental Institution.
253
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:18,345
He is considered dangerous
and was last seen
wearing a blue jumpsuit.
254
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:22,923
Please, report any information
of his whereabouts
to local authorities.
255
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:27,574
[alarm blares]
256
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:32,659
-I'm gonna pull over and you--
-Why? You think you see him?
257
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,058
I think it's him
in my back seat.
258
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,761
I'm gonna pull over right now.
259
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,408
Obviously it's not me.
I'm in the car with you.
260
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:38,932
No. They're describing
261
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,625
you have a hook for a hand.
262
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,072
It's not me.
It could be anybody, okay?
263
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,109
There's probably
not a lot of people
264
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:47,774
-with hooks for hands.
-They're more than you'd think.
265
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:50,860
-In mental--
-One out of every thousand
people has a hook for a hand.
266
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:53,030
-That's impossible.
-That is not impossible.
267
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:56,036
I just feel like if--
they're describing you.
268
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:59,039
-It could be anybody.
-They're describing you.
269
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,042
A person in a jumpsuit
with a hook.
270
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,964
This is-- this is just
like white America
271
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,309
to get someone in your car
who's a minority.
272
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,179
-You're white.
-I am not white.
273
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:09,181
-Yes, you are.
-I'm a proud hook heritage.
274
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:10,833
-There's no hook heritage.
-Yes, there is.
275
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,097
-There is no--
-This is genetic.
276
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:14,049
My dad had a nub for a hand
277
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:17,357
and he had a metal hook.
This is fine carbon.
278
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:20,095
And-- and my grandfather
had a wood hook on him.
279
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,627
This is what I don't understand.
Some report comes
on the radio that a guy
280
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:26,762
has escaped from a mental
institution with a hook.
281
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,416
-It's a bullshit.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
282
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,550
-[seat tearing]
-[thud]
283
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:34,903
-[screams]
-Oh, shit! I'm so sorry!
284
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,164
♪♪
285
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:42,865
So you guys
are middle school band.
Are you teachers or something?
286
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,869
-Yes.
-Yes and no.
287
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,522
-We are--
-Teacher-tainers.
288
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:50,045
We are teachers
and entertainers.
289
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,090
And we are called The No Noes.
290
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:54,915
Oh, that's fun.
What do you teach or "tain"?
291
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:58,794
We talk mostly
about prevention of STDs.
292
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,838
-And unwanted pregnancy.
-In middle school,
293
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,974
they already jump
into the whole sex thing?
294
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:07,237
Oh, they've jumped. Most of them
we are catching them mid fall.
295
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,201
[both]
Can we lay some facts on you?
296
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:10,809
-Yeah, please.
-Fact:
297
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,030
By the time a young boy is
8 years old,
298
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:16,509
he has seen
up to 15 boobs in his life
299
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,991
that do not belong
to his mother or siblings.
300
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:21,822
-What?
-Fact: Most STDs are spread
301
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,991
-during kindergarten naptimes.
-Oh, no.
302
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:26,907
Fact: By the time a child
turns 5 years old,
303
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:30,573
he's familiar with both
turns fisting and "felching."
304
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:33,128
-I don't know what's "felching."
-[both] You don't want to.
305
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:34,956
But a five-year-old
could tell you, Brendan.
306
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:37,054
I know you are
in the field and whatnot,
307
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:39,923
but I have never heard
a kid kindergarten
308
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:43,056
or otherwise say these terms.
I think you
309
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,709
are the ones
teaching the kids this stuff.
310
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:49,024
A kid doesn't know
the word boner
until you go in talking boner.
311
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:52,942
-That's ridiculous.
-No, that's us understanding
what they already know,
312
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:55,289
saying it back to them,
making them feel safe
313
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,849
and then "but that's horrible."
314
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:01,677
Yeah, like our song
"We Know You Love Foreplay."
315
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,856
♪ We know
That you love foreplay ♪
316
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,693
♪ You love to lick it a little
And give it a kiss ♪
317
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:09,431
♪ You move your tongue
Like an alphabet ♪
318
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:11,043
♪ All over a lady's clit
319
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:12,654
♪ And this is where we know
320
00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,484
♪ You know where the clit is
321
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:17,312
♪ We know that you know
That already ♪
322
00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:20,661
These kids can't write
their name on paper. Now
they're writing it on a clit?
323
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:23,442
♪ Do the letter A, uh, uh
324
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:25,747
♪ Do the letter B, uh, uh
-What is that?
325
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,144
-Well, this is Gina.
-Gina?
326
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,488
Gina The Gina.
And PD the Pin.
327
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:30,627
Never touch me.
328
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:33,241
I am a monster full of sin.
329
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,330
Be ashamed
that I'm in your past.
330
00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:37,979
-Feel shame.
-[both] Shame.
331
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,504
-If you were thinking
about looking at this--
-No, get--
332
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:43,988
-Wouldn't you hate it?
-Why are they so close
to my face?
333
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,680
-I know.
-The name of one of our songs.
334
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,987
♪ Why is it
So close to my face? ♪
335
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,084
♪♪
336
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:55,128
-You like Michael Bolton?
-No.
337
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:58,091
-What about Kenny G?
-No.
338
00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:01,001
-Harry Connick Jr.
-I don't even like
those names together.
339
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,177
What about into a cappella?
340
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:06,573
Yes. That shit is dope.
341
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:09,097
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ♪
342
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,362
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, ting
343
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,405
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom ♪
344
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,370
♪ Boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
345
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:16,979
♪ Boom, we shall overcome...
346
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,149
Shut the fuck up, Kenny.
347
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,504
♪♪
348
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,424
Whoa!
349
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:30,603
I just had the craziest
fucking night of my life.
350
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:33,171
-Yeah? What happened?
-I went out to this club
351
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:36,039
and this club
has a VIP room of course, right?
352
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:39,092
-Yeah.
-And then-- but then they also
have a VVIP room, this is--
353
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,128
-Like very, very important.
-Very, very important.
354
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:45,054
And then there's a triple mega
VVV VIP room.
355
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:47,441
-And I fucking got in there.
-Oh, yeah?
356
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:50,054
Everybody was there.
Name anybody. Name anybody.
357
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,006
-Dakota Fanning.
-Dakota Fanning was there.
358
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:55,005
-Oh, my God!
-Dakota Fanning was there.
359
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,147
-Is she even 21?
-Fucking Justin Bieber rolls in,
360
00:16:57,190 --> 00:17:00,760
he's like, "Guys, we gotta
get out of this VIP room,
361
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:04,072
it's boring here.
Let's hit my fucking party bus."
362
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,980
Taylor Swift was there,
Beyonce was there,
363
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,845
Kim Kardashian was there.
Everybody had sex.
364
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:11,287
How is Taylor?
I've always wondered
how good Taylor would be.
365
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,994
-The best, the best sex.
Number one sex.
-Yeah?
366
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:18,083
-What are her tits like, man?
-They're like the largest tits.
367
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:21,044
-It doesn't look like it.
-You know, they are.
368
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:24,133
-Name something that anybody
would want to do.
-Put vodka in your eyeballs.
369
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,703
You can-- yes,
people were doing that.
370
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:30,441
And when you get
that coked up and you're doing
ecstasy and crystal meth--
371
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,444
-Meth?
-Yes, of course,
372
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:35,176
literally, the meth
they made on Breaking Bad,
373
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:39,488
literally, that blue meth
was what we had.
374
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,706
Oh, my God.
We-- we fucking just went crazy
375
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:45,457
and everybody
was on military-grade cocaine.
376
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:49,329
That's unbelievable.
That's the definition
of the word unbelievable.
377
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:52,074
You don't have to impress me.
378
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,079
Everyone's always trying to tell
me how much fun they had.
I don't care.
379
00:17:56,945 --> 00:17:59,815
As soon as you got in,
you look like a middle manager.
380
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,521
You looked like you're gonna
tell someone to file something
381
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:04,129
because you don't know
how to do it yourself.
382
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,354
-Really?
-Yeah.
383
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,263
Yeah, I didn't really do
any of that stuff.
384
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:12,525
-I just never do anything fun.
-I'm sure that's not true.
385
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:15,619
-I'm not even drunk, you know?
-Yeah. First you have
to have some alcohol.
386
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:20,141
Oh, I don't even know what that
is. I just went to a function.
387
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:23,146
It was to honor prize winners
or some shit. It was stupid.
388
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:25,019
Okay, cool.
I won a prize one time.
389
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:28,150
They gave me one
of these prizes, two actually.
390
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,154
[clears his throat]
I've got two Nobel prizes
391
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,366
and so it's like I gotta sit
through a whole dinner.
392
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,325
-Are you kidding me?
-Hmm?
393
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,034
-You won a Nobel Prize?
-They gave me two.
394
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:38,551
I discovered the highest number.
395
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,985
-What?
-I mathematically disproved
the concept of infinity.
396
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:44,563
-And so it's--
-That's insane, man. What is it?
397
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,471
I've tried
to count up there one time.
398
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:49,556
-It's phenomenally boring.
-No. Shame on you.
399
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:53,386
You should be proud.
That's like the coolest life.
400
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:56,916
But I didn't get to have mega
triple awesome cocaine sex.
401
00:18:56,961 --> 00:19:00,051
No one actually wants that.
Everybody says they want it.
No one wants that.
402
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,485
I used to do all the shit
that you said you did
403
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:06,672
to try and impress me
and I know how-- how sad it is.
404
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,020
Just for my future reference,
405
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:11,410
what made you think
it wasn't true?
406
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:15,024
When you told me Taylor Swift's
breasts were large.
407
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,586
-Really?
-My breasts are bigger
than hers.
408
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:19,774
-Than Taylor Swift's?
-Yes, they are.
409
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,160
Yeah.
410
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,163
♪♪
411
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:28,687
[driver] I think you guys
are teaching kids bad things.
412
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,042
You're teaching them
to be afraid of things
that are natural.
413
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:33,562
You're bringing up things
that are natural way too early
414
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:36,037
-into their mindset.
-Fact: Can never be too early.
415
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:39,087
-Where are you
getting these facts?
-[both] From the book.
416
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:42,574
-"Sex Facts with Zach and Jess."
-You're quoting your own facts.
417
00:19:42,616 --> 00:19:45,136
-They're from a book, Brendan.
-You can't make up facts.
418
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:50,154
I can't say cars are just giant
aliens that we ride around in,
419
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:54,369
they enjoy licking our bottoms
as we sit in their seats.
420
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,240
-No.
-No, if you put it in a book--
421
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:57,852
Then it becomes a fact.
422
00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,022
It's not my opinion that boners
423
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:02,458
are the fifth leading cause
of death in this country.
424
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,545
-No.
-[both] It's a fact.
425
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,084
-[both start singing]
-No.
426
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,468
♪ How many ways
Can a boner kill you? ♪
427
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,992
♪ How many ways
Can a boner kill you? ♪
428
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:13,996
♪ One, it's full
Of too much blood ♪
429
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,648
♪ It gets ripped off
And explodes ♪
430
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,833
♪ Two, you put it
Into a sub ♪
431
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,389
♪ Many people
Have died from those ♪
-No.
432
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:23,477
♪ Three, your boner fills
You with strength ♪
433
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:26,136
♪ And you think
You can do it all ♪
434
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,231
♪ But you don't make it
In the NBA ♪
435
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:30,710
♪ Because you are not tall
436
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,881
♪ So you kill yourself
Because you are sad ♪
437
00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:34,357
♪ That is number three
438
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:37,277
♪ Four, your boner is secretly
439
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:39,893
♪ An assassin from Iran
-What?
440
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,814
♪ And it shows up
In the middle of the night ♪
441
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:43,629
♪ And it sneaks
Across your lawn ♪
442
00:20:43,677 --> 00:20:46,027
♪ And it goes to the room
While you're asleep ♪
443
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,250
♪ It strangles you
Around the neck
Around the neck ♪
444
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,770
A boner is an assassin
from Iran?
445
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:53,164
Yes, Brendan. It can and it
has happened. That is a fact.
446
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:55,858
I don't know why these people
bring you guys in.
447
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,996
I mean, technically speaking
they don't bring us in.
448
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:59,909
No.
We volunteer our services
449
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:03,134
by jumping the back wall
during lunch time,
450
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:05,794
bringing soda
and setting up a PA system
451
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:08,659
until campus security
asks us to leave.
452
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:11,922
Because of budget cuts,
that takes 20 to 30 minutes,
453
00:21:11,966 --> 00:21:15,446
-by which time--
-That's enough to get through
16 of our songs.
454
00:21:15,491 --> 00:21:18,191
-You know what?
We're almost here.
-Oh, my God.
455
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:21,453
Good luck to you, Brendan.
I hope for you that your boner
456
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:23,497
doesn't choke you
in your sleep.
457
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:27,626
And also, just so you know,
in chapter 17 of our book
458
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:29,507
it says we never pay for things.
459
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:31,899
Technically, it says,
"Do No Noes pay for things?
460
00:21:31,942 --> 00:21:34,292
-No, no."
-Fact.
461
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:37,168
-Read a book.
-Not a fact.
462
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,296
-It was the worst.
-I will kill you in your sleep.
463
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,043
Oh, it's real!
464
00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:44,174
Oh!
465
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,748
I have a perfectly
good working hook.
466
00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:54,489
How does it work?
467
00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:57,360
The same way your hands work.
It's the same.
468
00:21:57,403 --> 00:22:01,583
-No, if my hand was like this
perpetually--
-It's the same thing.
469
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,186
-[crystal breaking]
-Oh, shit.
470
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,185
-What?
-Nothing. I have AppleCare.
471
00:22:08,196 --> 00:22:10,586
-You have a choice.
-I do not have a choice.
472
00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:12,813
-You can take the hook--
-You sound just like my boss.
473
00:22:12,853 --> 00:22:15,163
-You know what I say to him?
-What?
474
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:17,383
Find someone else to take care
of these kids.
475
00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:19,213
You take care of kids
with a hook?
476
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:21,430
Yeah. They think it's funny.
39270
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