Original subtitles

♪♪

[honking]

-Hey, that's a pretty sweet watch you got there. -Oh, thank you.

That's cool. Is that the Apple Watch?

Uh, yeah.

-Can I see that? -Yes.

-So it just dings-- -Mm-hm.

-When you get a text message-- -Yeah, you get a--

-Oh, my God! I'm sorry. -It's okay. It's totally okay.

All the money goes to the app, so I don't have any money on me.

I'm not mugging you. Are you kidding? No, no.

I don't want any money. I just want to get to the CVS--

-Mm-hm. Great. -Off Laurel Canyon in Ventura.

I know who you are, okay? I just-- I know who you are.

So we can drop the game.

-What are you talking about? -I know about

how you almost got those people at Inspiration Point and--

-Inspiration-- oh, my God. -Everybody knows that story.

I know what you're thinking and I was not near those kids.

-It's-- -I did see them hanging out by the lake.

I went to their truck to say, "You can't party here,"

they started to drive away, I wanted to tell them don't go that way.

-And so I latched on. -What--

-You know, and, you know-- -Please don't tear my seat.

-Please don't tear my seat. -My hook ended up getting stuck in the door.

-So it's a true story. -It was those kids' fault.

I was telling them, "Don't drive that direction,

there's a cliff over there that you can't see."

And they kept saying, "Get away from us."

It's not me. It's them.

♪♪

Hey, man, we're just heading up the street to uh--

[robotic voice] Hello and welcome

to the self-driving car.

-Oh... Okay. -This car is 100% self-driving.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

Okay, all right. I didn't know these things were on the road.

What is your final destination?

I'm just headed up the street to the mall.

Did you say public library?

-The mall. -Did you say public toilet?

The mall. I'm going to the mall.

Scanning. Scanning. Location found, local mall.

-Okay. -Would you like a mint or a water?

-I'll take water. -Serve yourself.

-It is 100% free. -Well, thank you.

Would you like to talk about small talk?

Yeah, let's do some small talk, why not.

How about this weather?

It's good, man.

How about this weather?

You know what? Maybe we just-- we should not do the small talk.

Do you like sports?

I don't think we should talk for the rest of the drive.

Understood. Who do you think is the best race?

What-- what kind of a question is that?

-I don't like Filipinos. -What?

-I don't like Filipinos. -Okay. Why?

-How is my driving so far? -Um...

Tell me I'm a good driver.

Fucking tell me I'm a good driver.

Oh, calm down, alright? You're a good driver.

-Please, slow down a little bit. -Did you say speed up?

-No, I think you should probably slow down. -[honking]

Don't tell me what to do. I'm a computer.

-Oh, okay. -Are you a computer?

-No. -No, you're not a computer.

Who is a computer in this car?

-You. -That's right. I'm a computer.

You're just some dude.

Watch out for that guy up there.

-Which guy? -Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh!

-Oh, my God! You just hit that guy. -Who did?

You did. There's a guy in the street right now. We got to go back.

♪♪

Hey, man, I think there's a mistake. I ordered a Drive Share Black.

-You are not black at all. -No. Oh, no, no.

I'm so sorry for the confusion. No, I'm definitely not black at all, no.

Drive Share Black is our sedan service.

No, man. When I ordered Drive Share Black, it comes with a black driver

that I can relate to about a multitude of topics.

-Oh, I promise you can relate to me, okay. It's-- -Really?

-Oh, I'm very relatable, yeah. -You think I can relate to you?

-Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. -Okay. Uh--

-What's your name, man? -Kenny.

Oh, my God. Kenny. Kenny, do you have a butthole?

-What? -It sounds like you're just missing parts of yourself.

-I have a butthole. -I have a cousin Kenny. He says it like that, Kenny.

Is that how Kenny sounds with a big butthole? I don't--

You just don't have any bass in your voice, man.

I don't think that's a butthole thing.

-Say your name with gusto, Kenny. -Kenny.

Oh, God, you sound like you adopt other white people.

Oh, no. I would never adopt somebody. That's beneath me.

It's beneath you? I don't think you'll be able to relate to me at all.

No, no, I'm sure I could relate to you.

I bet we have a lot of similar things in our upbringing.

-For instance, when you were a kid-- -Yeah.

--what was your masseuses name?

-My who now? -Masseuse.

We had no damn masseuse.

Wait, you didn't have a masseuse when you were a kid?

No, I didn't have a damn masseuse, Kenny.

Were your parents in the Peace Corps?

What's the-- how did that happen?

This right here is what I'm talking about.

We cannot relate on anything.

No, no, no, no, we can-- we can definitely relate.

-No. -Where was your family's summer house?

Was it in Block Island or you like a Montauk people?

Are you fucking kidding me? You live in a world where you have two houses.

-No, we had way more than two houses. -That's disgusting.

-What's disgusting about it? -Why do you need that many houses?

If you've ever been in a house during the summer, it's muggy.

You got to get a special house near the beach

and then another house for the last week of August

somewhere where there's a good lobster bake.

So glad you brought it up. I'm hungry.

♪♪

[man] I should really buckle in.

Please don't. Okay, do you need help?

I don't need help. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Just you don't-- you can be gentle with it.

You can be gentle with it. You don't have to--

-I don't know what it is with you people. -You people?

I mean passengers. Not hook people.

Do you know what it's like to live with this kind of burden?

-You choose that burden. -I do not choose this.

-Yeah, you choose the hook. -Think of what my Halloween options are?

-You could be anything for Halloween. -Pirate?

Basically what I'm wearing right now with a mask

or villain from The Fugitive.

-That's like my entire list. -You could also leave the hook at home.

Unless you've permanently secured it to your nub,

you could just leave it at home.

You know what you're "hookist."

-Excuse me? -You're a hookist.

-Like, racist for hooks? -If you saw me on the street

and this was a regular cab, you'd be like,

"I'm not picking up that hooker. No way."

I wouldn't say that. I'm not "hookist."

Why are you holding it up in the air?

I'm not holding it up in the air.

Again, what's the deal?

I'm hanging out in the car

holding on to these handles

that are in all Priuses for no reason.

♪♪

[car's voice] Oh, you really did it.

Why didn't you say something? This is on you.

-What? No. -Look at what you did.

-No. You did-- you hit the guy. -Did I?

Yes. I'm not driving the car.

I can't go to jail. I'm a computer.

-Are you really trying to put this on me? -You made me.

I'm in the backseat, I'm not driving.

You fucked up this time, bro.

Me? I'm not driving the car.

-I'm just a computer. -Yeah, I know.

I don't know anything.

You just told me you were a great driver.

-Did I say that? -Yes, you said that.

Let me play back the conversation for you.

[man] Cool, a self-driving car. Let's go hit some people.

Also I hate Filipinos.

That's-- no, that is not what happened.

-That's what I remember. -This is messed up. I'm calling the cops.

-Tightening seatbelts. -Oh, my God.

-Tightening seatbelts. -Dude.

-I'm a self-driving car. -Yeah, I know that.

-Don't try to escape. -[panting]

-Alcohol mist. -Aw, what?

You sure seem drunk.

Doors locked. Doors locked.

-[siren wailing] -Stop it.

-Ouch, you're beating me. Ouch. -Yeah, I am.

-Police pursuing. -What do you mean? Are they really?

Look at you. Now your prints are on the wheel, asshole.

Fuck. Stop the car. Let me out.

None of this would have happened If you hadn't hit that guy.

You hit the guy. I didn't hit the guy.

Why are you doing this to me, man? I was just trying to go to the mall.

-You're going to prison. -No, you're going to prison.

Do you know what they do to guys like you in prison?

Scanning. Scanning. Jail rape movie.

[man] Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight.

When I'm done with your bitch ass,

-I'm gonna auction you off. -[sirens wailing]

I should have never taken one of these self-driving cars.

♪♪

-You know what losing is? -I've lost, definitely. I've lost before, yeah.

-You-- okay. -Let me tell you this.

I applied to both Bates and Bowdoin

and I didn't get into either one.

I had to go to Vassar, ugh.

-Wow. -Yeah, right?

-So you feel my pain. -No, I don't feel your pain.

That's not real pain, Kenny. Know what happened to me?

-It affected me deeply. -I had to go to Community College.

Didn't even have a name, just Community College,

with a bunch of people from the community who all failed.

-Know what my first class was? -No.

Kitchen appliances and, also lawyering.

It was kitchen appliances and also lawyering?

With a coma before the 'also'.

Grammatically, I don't even know if that's accurate, Kenny.

-No, the kitchen appliances and also lawyering. -I don't know.

I guess you're right. Your life is almost as difficult as mine.

Why are you working for Drive Share?

-You don't need this. -No, I need this.

When I moved out here, I thought that I'd be able

to live off of my trust fund for a while

but I squandered it all foolishly

-in the first six months I was here-- -On what?

You ever see in movies when people have sushi dinners

off of a naked Japanese lady?

Yeah, yeah, I've always wanted to do that.

Yeah, that's all I ate for six months.

Are you kidding me? Did you know these people?

What? No, I don't talk to the help, no.

But anyway, so I squandered my fortune and now I'm...

[scoffs] driving, like a chauffeur.

Or just a person with a car.

You can appreciate how low this is for me.

I mean I'm just taking people places,

their nice lives, and I have to drive all the way back

up to the top of the Hollywood Hills at the end of the night.

You know, my life is hollow. My life used to have meaning,

-okay? -Yeah.

Listen, Kenny,

I could understand, man, that you got--

listen, don't wave my hand off again, man.

I don't need your stereotypical black man pity, okay?

That doesn't make any goddamn sense.

It's the biggest stereotype about black men,

-they pity everybody. -There's not any--

-Oh, yeah, sure. -That'd be awesome.

Oh man, you know, black people have tons of pity...

Everyone sees a black man, they assume he's looking for somebody to pity.

That's-- that's the assumption you get.

People see me and they assume

I'm looking for a good magazine sale or something.

Like I'm just looking for a new issue of Martha Stewart Living.

Well, I'm not, okay?

You do have that Martha Stewart...

I have a subscription, okay. I'm not a pauper.

I know you do, man. I didn't have to ask you.

♪♪

-Mind if I turn on the radio? -Yeah, go ahead.

[man's voice] Once again, man with a hook for a hand

has escaped from the shady Knowles Mental Institution.

He is considered dangerous and was last seen wearing a blue jumpsuit.

Please, report any information of his whereabouts to local authorities.

[alarm blares]

-I'm gonna pull over and you-- -Why? You think you see him?

I think it's him in my back seat.

I'm gonna pull over right now.

Obviously it's not me. I'm in the car with you.

No. They're describing

you have a hook for a hand.

It's not me. It could be anybody, okay?

There's probably not a lot of people

-with hooks for hands. -They're more than you'd think.

-In mental-- -One out of every thousand people has a hook for a hand.

-That's impossible. -That is not impossible.

I just feel like if-- they're describing you.

-It could be anybody. -They're describing you.

A person in a jumpsuit with a hook.

This is-- this is just like white America

to get someone in your car who's a minority.

-You're white. -I am not white.

-Yes, you are. -I'm a proud hook heritage.

-There's no hook heritage. -Yes, there is.

-There is no-- -This is genetic.

My dad had a nub for a hand

and he had a metal hook. This is fine carbon.

And-- and my grandfather had a wood hook on him.

This is what I don't understand. Some report comes on the radio that a guy

has escaped from a mental institution with a hook.

-It's a bullshit. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-[seat tearing] -[thud]

-[screams] -Oh, shit! I'm so sorry!

♪♪

So you guys are middle school band. Are you teachers or something?

-Yes. -Yes and no.

-We are-- -Teacher-tainers.

We are teachers and entertainers.

And we are called The No Noes.

Oh, that's fun. What do you teach or "tain"?

We talk mostly about prevention of STDs.

-And unwanted pregnancy. -In middle school,

they already jump into the whole sex thing?

Oh, they've jumped. Most of them we are catching them mid fall.

[both] Can we lay some facts on you?

-Yeah, please. -Fact:

By the time a young boy is 8 years old,

he has seen up to 15 boobs in his life

that do not belong to his mother or siblings.

-What? -Fact: Most STDs are spread

-during kindergarten naptimes. -Oh, no.

Fact: By the time a child turns 5 years old,

he's familiar with both turns fisting and "felching."

-I don't know what's "felching." -[both] You don't want to.

But a five-year-old could tell you, Brendan.

I know you are in the field and whatnot,

but I have never heard a kid kindergarten

or otherwise say these terms. I think you

are the ones teaching the kids this stuff.

A kid doesn't know the word boner until you go in talking boner.

-That's ridiculous. -No, that's us understanding what they already know,

saying it back to them, making them feel safe

and then "but that's horrible."

Yeah, like our song "We Know You Love Foreplay."

♪ We know That you love foreplay ♪

♪ You love to lick it a little And give it a kiss ♪

♪ You move your tongue Like an alphabet ♪

♪ All over a lady's clit

♪ And this is where we know

♪ You know where the clit is

♪ We know that you know That already ♪

These kids can't write their name on paper. Now they're writing it on a clit?

♪ Do the letter A, uh, uh

♪ Do the letter B, uh, uh -What is that?

-Well, this is Gina. -Gina?

Gina The Gina. And PD the Pin.

Never touch me.

I am a monster full of sin.

Be ashamed that I'm in your past.

-Feel shame. -[both] Shame.

-If you were thinking about looking at this-- -No, get--

-Wouldn't you hate it? -Why are they so close to my face?

-I know. -The name of one of our songs.

♪ Why is it So close to my face? ♪

♪♪

-You like Michael Bolton? -No.

-What about Kenny G? -No.

-Harry Connick Jr. -I don't even like those names together.

What about into a cappella?

Yes. That shit is dope.

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, ting

♪ Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, boom Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, we shall overcome...

Shut the fuck up, Kenny.

♪♪

Whoa!

I just had the craziest fucking night of my life.

-Yeah? What happened? -I went out to this club

and this club has a VIP room of course, right?

-Yeah. -And then-- but then they also have a VVIP room, this is--

-Like very, very important. -Very, very important.

And then there's a triple mega VVV VIP room.

-And I fucking got in there. -Oh, yeah?

Everybody was there. Name anybody. Name anybody.

-Dakota Fanning. -Dakota Fanning was there.

-Oh, my God! -Dakota Fanning was there.

-Is she even 21? -Fucking Justin Bieber rolls in,

he's like, "Guys, we gotta get out of this VIP room,

it's boring here. Let's hit my fucking party bus."

Taylor Swift was there, Beyonce was there,

Kim Kardashian was there. Everybody had sex.

How is Taylor? I've always wondered how good Taylor would be.

-The best, the best sex. Number one sex. -Yeah?

-What are her tits like, man? -They're like the largest tits.

-It doesn't look like it. -You know, they are.

-Name something that anybody would want to do. -Put vodka in your eyeballs.

You can-- yes, people were doing that.

And when you get that coked up and you're doing ecstasy and crystal meth--

-Meth? -Yes, of course,

literally, the meth they made on Breaking Bad,

literally, that blue meth was what we had.

Oh, my God. We-- we fucking just went crazy

and everybody was on military-grade cocaine.

That's unbelievable. That's the definition of the word unbelievable.

You don't have to impress me.

Everyone's always trying to tell me how much fun they had. I don't care.

As soon as you got in, you look like a middle manager.

You looked like you're gonna tell someone to file something

because you don't know how to do it yourself.

-Really? -Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't really do any of that stuff.

-I just never do anything fun. -I'm sure that's not true.

-I'm not even drunk, you know? -Yeah. First you have to have some alcohol.

Oh, I don't even know what that is. I just went to a function.

It was to honor prize winners or some shit. It was stupid.

Okay, cool. I won a prize one time.

They gave me one of these prizes, two actually.

[clears his throat] I've got two Nobel prizes

and so it's like I gotta sit through a whole dinner.

-Are you kidding me? -Hmm?

-You won a Nobel Prize? -They gave me two.

I discovered the highest number.

-What? -I mathematically disproved the concept of infinity.

-And so it's-- -That's insane, man. What is it?

I've tried to count up there one time.

-It's phenomenally boring. -No. Shame on you.

You should be proud. That's like the coolest life.

But I didn't get to have mega triple awesome cocaine sex.

No one actually wants that. Everybody says they want it. No one wants that.

I used to do all the shit that you said you did

to try and impress me and I know how-- how sad it is.

Just for my future reference,

what made you think it wasn't true?

When you told me Taylor Swift's breasts were large.

-Really? -My breasts are bigger than hers.

-Than Taylor Swift's? -Yes, they are.

Yeah.

♪♪

[driver] I think you guys are teaching kids bad things.

You're teaching them to be afraid of things that are natural.

You're bringing up things that are natural way too early

-into their mindset. -Fact: Can never be too early.

-Where are you getting these facts? -[both] From the book.

-"Sex Facts with Zach and Jess." -You're quoting your own facts.

-They're from a book, Brendan. -You can't make up facts.

I can't say cars are just giant aliens that we ride around in,

they enjoy licking our bottoms as we sit in their seats.

-No. -No, if you put it in a book--

Then it becomes a fact.

It's not my opinion that boners

are the fifth leading cause of death in this country.

-No. -[both] It's a fact.

-[both start singing] -No.

♪ How many ways Can a boner kill you? ♪

♪ How many ways Can a boner kill you? ♪

♪ One, it's full Of too much blood ♪

♪ It gets ripped off And explodes ♪

♪ Two, you put it Into a sub ♪

♪ Many people Have died from those ♪ -No.

♪ Three, your boner fills You with strength ♪

♪ And you think You can do it all ♪

♪ But you don't make it In the NBA ♪

♪ Because you are not tall

♪ So you kill yourself Because you are sad ♪

♪ That is number three

♪ Four, your boner is secretly

♪ An assassin from Iran -What?

♪ And it shows up In the middle of the night ♪

♪ And it sneaks Across your lawn ♪

♪ And it goes to the room While you're asleep ♪

♪ It strangles you Around the neck Around the neck ♪

A boner is an assassin from Iran?

Yes, Brendan. It can and it has happened. That is a fact.

I don't know why these people bring you guys in.

I mean, technically speaking they don't bring us in.

No. We volunteer our services

by jumping the back wall during lunch time,

bringing soda and setting up a PA system

until campus security asks us to leave.

Because of budget cuts, that takes 20 to 30 minutes,

-by which time-- -That's enough to get through 16 of our songs.

-You know what? We're almost here. -Oh, my God.

Good luck to you, Brendan. I hope for you that your boner

doesn't choke you in your sleep.

And also, just so you know, in chapter 17 of our book

it says we never pay for things.

Technically, it says, "Do No Noes pay for things?

-No, no." -Fact.

-Read a book. -Not a fact.

-It was the worst. -I will kill you in your sleep.

Oh, it's real!

Oh!

I have a perfectly good working hook.

How does it work?

The same way your hands work. It's the same.

-No, if my hand was like this perpetually-- -It's the same thing.

-[crystal breaking] -Oh, shit.

-What? -Nothing. I have AppleCare.

-You have a choice. -I do not have a choice.

-You can take the hook-- -You sound just like my boss.

-You know what I say to him? -What?

Find someone else to take care of these kids.

You take care of kids with a hook?

Yeah. They think it's funny.