Original subtitles

♪♪♪

[driver] So, what do you do for a living?

I'm an actor.

Oh, cool!

-I actually have a one-man show. -Oh, great.

-There it is, that's me on the cover, Ray. -Cool.

-I'll take a look at that after I drop you off. -Mm-hm.

The show's called "From Birth to Reba: A Ray in the Life."

Oh. Because your name is Ray?

Yes.

That's great.

And there's your ticket for the show, Miss.

-Here you are. -Oh, you know what,

I don't-- I can't guarantee that I will be able to make it.

I'll just tear that and keep that for test purposes.

What day of the week is it?

It all started August 22nd 1979.

There was a thunderstorm.

[imitates thunder]

The rain, rain. [screams]

It sounds like a really good show.

-It sounds like a lot of fun. -Excuse me, but I wouldn't know there was a thunderstorm

because I was in the womb.

That's the day I was born.

Are you gonna do the whole show?

[imitates baby cry]

Mama, whoa, this is the world! I see my mom.

There she is, my best friend for life.

And there's my dad.

And even now I can tell he'll never support me, he'll never believe in me

and he'll cheat on mom with that bitch Sheila.

You remember this stuff from when you were a baby?

There's a doctor.

He grabs me by the leg.

He holds me up and he says, "Look at this baby, ten pounds six ounces of zero talent."

Cut to seventeen years later, it's 1998, I'm in drama class.

Are you going to the show right now?

My stupid drama teacher sits there with his disgusting hair.

"You want to be an actor, Ray? That'll never happen."

Well guess what? I know my true purpose.

I will act.

Cut two.

Reno, Nevada, a Greyhound bus stop.

Wait--

[Texan accent] So, you're trying to make your way to Hollywood?

-What year is this now? -Well I know a way you can get a little money.

Sure, I'll do anything to make it.

Wait, did you-- did you suck a guy's dick to be an actor?

♪♪♪

[driver] Hey, welcome to the Drive Share, guys.

Now we're all meeting new people, huh? This is fun.

Okay, Marissa.

-Yeah. -Welcome. All right.

Ronnie, Marissa.

-Yeah. Hi. -Ronnie.

You married, Ronnie? You got a girlfriend, boyfriend, what's up?

-Oh no, I'm single right now. -Oh.

Yeah? How about you, Marissa?

Recently broken up with.

It's nice, we got a couple of singletons in the car.

I have a new-- well, for me it's a longer story, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, honestly, it's rare that I have to well two, I don't know,

two people who's attractive as the two of you in the car at one time.

So it's nice.

Two sexy people.

It might be nice to see-- see you two kiss a little or something, I don't know.

It just seems, right?

Okay, that's a good joke.

-Yeah. -Why not?

It's not like you're cheating on anyone, right? You said you're single.

So, it wouldn't kill you, right?

I'm not just gonna kiss someone I don't know.

That's-- I didn't mean to make this-- you-- you want anything? You want some water? We've--

-I got water for you. -Yeah, sure.

-Thank you. -Great.

You want to hear some music? Anything in particular?

-Uh, no. Anything-- -Whatever you're feeling, yeah.

Yeah, whatever you want to play, man.

-Here, putting this. -[turning on romantic music]

Yeah, how about that?

Turn that up a little bit. Yeah.

Huh?

I don't know if this is the right music for just a simple drive downtown, you know.

This is like a real intimate mood of--

Yeah, this feels like there should be candles or, you know, know someone well.

Or know them at all.

Alright guys, if you don't want the music, I'll turn off the music.

♪♪♪

-[driver] Beth. -[Beth] Yeah.

-[driver] Hey. Hi, welcome. -[Beth] Thank you.

Here we go.

Ka ching, ka ching, ka ching ba, ba, ba, brrra brrra brrra.

Alright! Welcome.

Are you ready to play Drive for Dough?

The one and only game show that takes place inside of my car, your Drive Share?

How are you doing tonight?

Sorry, what?

Drive for Dough.

-It's-- have you seen Cash Cab? -Yeah.

Yeah, it's like that but it's in my car.

-Oh, cool. Is it on TV? -No.

No, not at all. It's just.

We're the only people who know about it, so.

-Okay. -Okay.

Alright. Well, welcome Beth.

For the viewers at home, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Again, there are no viewers, it's just me.

-Right. -How are you? Who are you?

Oh, my name is Beth and I'm on my way to a friend's place.

Alright. Well, we'll see if you get there and if you might be a couple more dollars rich.

That's right, today you are on the line

for two hundred bones sponsored by my friend Barry who lent it to me.

Okay.

Well, here's how the game works.

I'm gonna ask you a series of trivia questions

and you will have a couple lifelines if you get stuck.

For each question you get right, you get a couple more dollars.

-Sound good? -Sure.

Okay. Great. Question number one.

What did I list as my favorite genre of music on my drive-share profile?

I don't know. I didn't-- I didn't pay attention to that.

Play-- play along.

Give it-- give it a try, okay?

Um, a little bit of everything.

That's absolutely correct! Oh my gosh, that's fantastic. You've won twenty dollars.

You're on your way to two hundred bones.

How we feeling, Beth?

-Good. -Good.

You know what, we always say on Drive for Dough, you--

You're in the driver's seat.

-We say you're in the driver's seat even though it's me. -Okay.

Okay.

We're gonna move on to a deep cut question.

Pew, pew, pew, bau, bau, bau.

Deep cut questions are worth twice the bones.

What is my second job?

I don't know. Actor?

I work at a coffee shop. So, uh-oh [imitates buzzer] Sorry, Beth.

And you know what happens when you get a question wrong on Drive for Dough? That's right,

I drop you off one city block further than your destination.

Just drop me off where I'm going.

Those are the rules of the game, Beth.

Beth, we're gonna take a little break from the game now and we'll be right back.

♪♪♪

-Did you choose pool? 'Cause you-- -Uh-oh.

Oh yeah, it's less expensive, right?

-Yeah. So we've got another pickup. -Oh, great.

Good to get a lot of feedback from different audiences.

-[noises] -[man] Hey, you my pool driver?

-Yeah. -[man] Awesome.

The show will resume soon.

-Got a lot of wigs back here. -Just slide them up here.

Well, we're back and we're going into act two of seven acts.

Uh, it looks like you're gonna get dropped off second.

-Okay, okay. -Cool.

So that was how the story began.

But I'd also met some other

-interesting characters along the way. -He's an actor.

-No way, you're an actor? -I think he's rehearsing his show or something.

Reno, January 1st, 2002.

So, trying to get enough money to make it to Hollywood?

Because I could help you out there if you're willing to do a couple of things.

Have you been to Reno? I've been to Reno.

-It's really nice. -Me?

Cut two. Primm, Nevada.

[driver] I actually haven't been.

A casino basement.

I'd be willing to give you some money if you let me hunt you like an animal.

It's the most dangerous game of all.

-I'll do anything. -You were-- you were hunted?

Yeah.

-For real you were hunted? -What?

Yeah.

-How much did they pay you? -Five hundred dollars.

I lived in the desert outside Primm for two years

while a Australian billionaire hunted me.

The hunters didn't make it back.

-Oh my God. -Five hundred bucks for two years?

That's why it's the most dangerous game of all.

Oh my God.

That's the show.

No, I don't want to put that in there.

But that's the--

That's a riveting story.

That story is unbelievable.

Oh, it's boring. No, no, no, no.

This is about the characters I've met along the way in my life.

Why would I tell that boring story? [clears his throat]

Cut two.

♪♪♪

Okay, um.

Hey, Megan.

Um, it's Perez.

I was just calling because I'm in a Drive Share right now and things are getting weird.

And I want you to know that my driver's name is David if you need to find--

-Hi. -That later.

He's very affable but also a super weirdo.

And just wanted to say swordfish, you know, swordfish.

Couldn't help just 'cause we're all in the car, I kind of overheard the messages

you were leaving your friends.

And I get it and I-- I apologize.

I didn't mean to make you feel freaked out.

Do you-- do you want to-- I-- I offered you water.

You-- you want something-- I have some other stuff here.

Here's-- if you feel like you need, and here's condoms.

-No. -No?

-No. -No.

Look, you don't have to kiss if you don't want to.

Then just why don't-- if you don't-- if you don't want to kiss, just fuck.

You know what, you pretend-- pretend it's somebody else, if that's the issue.

Is that the issue?

-No. -No.

I'm not gonna just, like, fuck a stranger.

Did you go to college, Marissa?

Yeah, I did.

-Where'd you go to school? -UC Santa Cruz.

Okay. So you've fucked a stranger. Let's be honest.

What I did in college is none of your concern.

I don't want to be insulting to you but this is-- this is how you sound, Marissa,

"Yeah, and you shouldn't do what are you doing.

Yeah, I don't know why you watch porn... [in burlesque tone]."

It's grating.

I don't sound like a deflated balloon mixed with a sad baby.

Yeah, it wasn't spot-on. There was parts in there

-that I was, like, "Okay, that sounds a little bit" but-- -What?

-Thank you, Ronnie. -But yeah-- but-- but still--

No, I appreciate it.

I think it's still kind of rude a little bit.

I can tell by her face she didn't like it.

-But you are kind of being a creep. -You're definitely a creep.

I'm not a creep.

I am driving all day long, okay? I do not have time to watch porn.

I have no time because if I put it on my phone here: A, it's hard to see;

and B, it would be less safe for you, my passengers.

Okay, I think this is super inappropriate.

-Yeah. -Oh yeah, it's inappropriate?

I'll tell you what's inappropriate.

You know what time I wake up? 5:00 a.m.

Why? Because I play squash every morning at 5:00 a.m. with my friend Don

and then I have to shower, okay?

And then I have to get to the car and then I drive for many hours.

What time do I get home? 10 p.m. Because I have a tuba lesson.

So when the hell do you think I'm supposed to watch porn if I can't do it in the car?

It sounds like you have a lot of extracurriculars.

Why don't you just cut out one of those?

It's such an exaggeration for you to say that I have a lot of extracurriculars

when the fact is, as I told you, I have two- squash and tuba.

And I'm also a speedcuber.

I've been doing this for a while. You want to see how I do this?

-No, no, no-- -Please.

-Put your hands on the wheel. -Can you please?

But actually I can do it really fast.

-If you just set a timer I can-- -No, no, no.

♪♪♪

Alright. Beth, welcome back to Drive for Dough.

You're having a good time?

It's fine-- it's okay.

Cool. Great. 'Cause I-- this means a lot to me.

Okay.

I just really want to be a fun guy.

I'm not really a fun guy.

You seem fun.

Yeah? You want to hang out sometime?

No.

Okay. Well, we don't have to hang out but you could be a big winner

on Drive for Dough.

We have coming up right now the lightning round, okay?

This is for all the money and I might even drop you off at your actual destination

if you can answer the five following questions correctly.

Are they things I could actually know?

When's the last time I had sex?

-I don't know. -Who was it with?

I don't want to-- I don't want to talk about it.

Do they still think about me? Do they?

-Play the game. Try. Just guess. -No.

-No, they don't. -Okay.

I think they do. I think you're wrong.

Give me the twenty back.

No, don't touch me.

-You said there are five-- -That's my money.

You said there are five questions.

That's Barry's money. I don't have enough money to pay Barry back.

-I actually need that money. -You said there are five.

What was my mother's nickname for me when I was a child?

Come on, how would I know that?

Think it through. Do you need a lifeline?

You could call my mom, you know.

I don't want to call your mom.

Call my mom.

Call her.

Do it.

If you don't use your lifelines, how are you gonna win?

[calling]

Hello?

Um, hi, I'm in a car with your son.

Yes?

What nickname did you call him?

Just kidding!

You've reached my voicemail.

I died last year.

But if you see my son, tell him I say hello.

Goodbye.

When did your mom record that outgoing message?

When she was on the boat as it was sinking.

Honestly, she probably could have saved her life if she called the Coast Guard

but she lives on forever in voicemail.

♪♪♪

You are never gonna believe who your boy is picking up.

Sandy Bullock.

-[man] Oh my God! -I have been in love with her since The Net.

-Well, good luck. -Yeah.

I'll tell you how it goes.

[giggles]

Hello.

-Sandy Bullock? -Yeah.

What's up, man?

Nothing.

[grunting]

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry but... unbelievable.

Oh God.

Unbelievable.

What's unbelievable, man?

I mean do you think all this cologne and my combed hair is for you?

You know what you did, man.

Sandy Bullock?

Huh?

My name is Sandy Bullock.

-Do you have a problem with that? -I do. I do.

Because I was expecting someone else.

I was expecting five-foot-five, a fun and explosive actress and instead...

You know what? I'm sorry it smells like lavender in here.

I was pumping it pretty heavy.

Why?

In anticipation of Sandra Bullock.

Do you know how often this happens to me? All the time.

People think I'm Sandy Bullock constantly.

People think I'm gonna be some beautiful fifty-one-year-old starlet

who's aged gracefully and is really pretty critically acclaimed.

-Amazingly critically acclaimed. -Yeah.

id you ever see A Time to Kill?

No.

Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Heat, Minions, Gravity,

The Lake House, 28 Days, Two Weeks Notice, Crash, All About Steve, Practical magic.

I defy you to tell me what the plot of Practical Magicis.

She's a witch who only dabbles in practical magic.

Oh, that is so stupid.

♪♪♪

Cut two.

The future, 2079.

Hey, I've been meaning to say before, I feel like we go to the same gym.

Mama.

-Yes, I think-- -I-- I've seen you before.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

24-Hour Fitness.

Yeah, yes.

-Yes. -Yes, the one in Hollywood.

-Yeah, yeah. -I was there the other day,

I just got a casting director's card and--

-Oh my God, he-- -I'm going in for a pilot.

-He goes there all the time. -You got to get a membership there.

-Yeah, he does? Oh my God. -Yeah, he booked me.

-I got the Family Tiesreboot. -No way I'm going in for on the Family.

I'm-- I'm not even an actor.

-Me neither. -I wasn't-- I was actually just going there to use the shower.

-Wait, what? -I'm actually recurring on a show right now.

-Oh, no way, congrats! -That's great!

What show?

The News.

I was on KCC TV when my neighbor's dog was eaten by a coyote.

I actually witnessed the coyote eating the dog.

Oh my God.

I did not intervene.

Then I was-- I was on the news in the background of a fire.

My apartment caught on fire.

-Recently? -This was about 2005.

-Okay. -And the firemen had to carry me out.

I was crying.

But anyway, back to the show.

There was one character I had yet to meet. Me.

I realized I'm not a man, I'm a woman and I don't want to be an actor.

I want to be a dancer.

Is-- is that it?

Is that the end?

I think-- I think that's the end of the show.

Shall we-- yeah.

Great.

-Thank you. -Congratulations.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you for the show.

-You can give these to me. -Oh.

Thank you! Oh, wow.

Thank you so much, you guys.

Congratulations.

Thanks for coming out to the show.

I'm gonna be hitting up a bar to celebrate and kind of hang out and talk about the show.

If you guys want to hang?

-Uh, no. No. -No.

-I'm-- I got-- I'm gonna call it a night after this. -Yeah.

Okay. You can just drop me off at the Jack in the Box up there.

We got a 10:05 show.

♪♪♪

The Proposal, While You Were Sleeping, Demolition Man, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

And how about an amazing three-day guest spot on the George Lopez show

playing herself -- comedy, drama, what can't she do?

She has ruined my life, man.

You ever think about maybe you're the one ruining her life?

How?

Change your name.

My life has no impact on her whatsoever.

She goes to a restaurant, says she's Sandy Bullock

and then is Sandy Bullock and things are good.

But for me, I call in, I'm like, "Hey, can I make a reservation for two?

Sandy Bullock." And they say "Yes, great."

I get the nicest table, I show up, I show them my driver's license

because they don't believe me that I am Sandy Bullock.

Oh yeah. I mean that's shady, dude.

You-- it seems like you know what you're doing and you should stop doing it.

You know what another terrible part of all of this is? I can't get Twitter handles.

I can't get email addresses.

Because the Bullock estate, Sandra Bullock's estate, shuts them all down.

Can't have some yahoo tweeting out there under Sandy's name?

She doesn't tweet.

Her picture is an egg! A goddamn egg!

I always thought that was just her little pod from Gravity.

Let me tell you man, when you have Sandy Bullock as your Snapchat account,

you're just getting weird dick pics from yahoos in Topeka, Kansas, all the time.

You're Sandy Bullock on Snapchat?

Yeah, that was the one she let me have.

I don't know why.

I'm sorry about some of the things you've seen.

What's your name, dude?

-Me? -Yeah.

Denzel.

Denzel? What's your last name?

-Washington. -Shut the front door.

Denzel Washington is you?

-Mm. -So you know my struggle exactly.

There's an actor named Denzel Washington?

He's a huge movie star.

Has he ever done anything with Sandra Bullock?

-No, I don't think so. -Yeah, well then he ain't shit.

If you ain't rolling with the Bullock, get the hell out of my sight.

-You know what I mean? -No.

Can I get a kiss?

Can you get a kiss?

I made a bet with some buddies that I'd kiss Sandy Bullock.

I don't want to kiss you, dude. Just drive.

Come on, man!

If you kiss me, then I can tell my friends I kissed Sandy Bullock.

Huh? Get my life back on track.

If I do this, will you acknowledge me as Sandy Bullock

and tell everyone you know that there are two people named Sandy Bullock in the world?

-I will spread your message. -Good.

You have a very smooth mouth.

♪♪♪

I don't see what the problem is.

I mean it just seems like this-- this could have worked out fine.

What is the issue?

It's obvious that Marissa doesn't want to kiss me.

So maybe just don't push it.

Honestly, like, I would kiss you.

I didn't think you wanted to kiss me.

I mean, like, these are weird circumstances.

Oh this is definitely. I mean, yeah-- don't get me wrong.

I think you're a very attractive woman.

-Shut up. -And we are-- no, really, seriously.

Like, honestly, under any other circumstances I would totally, like--

And I totally get it.

I totally understand, like, after this when we get out of the car

maybe we can get some coffee or something if you got time.

Yeah, I would love to get coffee with you.

Guys, if this is going anywhere, do a guy a favor and make it happen in the car.

For God's sake, please, I'm begging you.

By the way, we are hitting every light.

This is going great.

Look, honestly Marissa, like, you are really attractive and--

Okay.

--you're definitely my type.

[exhales] I mean-- I guess if it's okay with you,

I could kiss you on the cheek if we could just be done with it.

If it's okay with you.

-Is that okay, Ronnie? Come on. -Sure. Okay.

Just so you can stop asking us to do this.

-Yeah. -I'll stop. That's great. No, that's-- I'd really be happy.

Just the littlest-- little baby peck, you know.

Okay?

That's fine.

Oh my God.

Oh thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Oh my gosh, that was-- I'm gonna give you both five stars, no question.

Um. I think-- is there-- Do I have a paper towel back there or something?

-No. -Okay. Just because I've come over my pants.

♪♪♪

Drive for Dough is over.

You lost, Beth.

You're a loser.

You lost it this fun game and you ruined everyone's good time.

Get out.

I'm like three miles away from where I'm supposed to go.

Fantastic.

I have to get out here?

And you know what? You don't keep any of the money that you won.

So give me that twenty back.

-Give it to me. Give it to me. -Here.

-Here. -I'm trying to look at the road, okay?

♪♪♪

Yeah!