Original subtitles

[rap music]

-[engine accelerating] -[honk]

Thank you for picking me up from the cemetery.

You're welcome. So, where are we headed exactly?

I need to go...

to the spreading oak tree by the broom factory.

Huh? Is that-- Oh, oh. Oh, wait a second.

There's some factory that's by the galleria. Is it by the mall?

-The mall? -Mm-hm.

I'm afraid I don't know this mall. You see,

I haven't lived here in quite a long time.

-How long? -Oh.

I've lost count. It's been so many years.

It seems like...

a lifetime ago.

A lifetime ago.

[suspenseful music]

Are you a ghost?

[exhaling] Yes.

If I put my-- If I put my hand towards you, would it go through you?

It would be rude.

[pop music]

I'm telling you right now, I shook his hand. That was Liam Neeson.

When I mentioned Taken, he was definitely like, "Yeah, I was in Taken."

Which Liam Neeson would never say.

Look, the guy took me to the bathroom.

He showed me his tattoo on his back.

And then he tried to get me to hold his penis, but I was like,

"All right, Liam Neeson, good joke."

Don't ever go to the bathroom with someone.

If Liam Neeson tells me to go to the bathroom with him,

I'm going to go to the bathroom with him.

Do you have a picture of the guy you saw?

Yeah, we took a picture together.

[woman] Okay, I don't wanna look at a man's penis.

Oh, uh, he took my--

I'm sorry. Is everything okay? You're moving around a lot.

I'm okay. Keep, keep talking. Is there a penis up there?

-Yeah. -[driver] You got to look at that.

Liam Neeson took my phone and made a joke.

Whoa! That's cool. You got to look at that.

I'm going to make this my profile pic.

[woman] I don't think they'll allow it.

-This... -Not the penis.

[man] I mean, maybe.

Well, if they take it down, then I'll deal with that.

I mean, it's just your torso.

-I... I'm sorry. You were supposed to turn left. -Yes, yes.

I know. And I know that.

See, I know these streets really well.

So, so I'm actually like taking a shortcut, it's...

it's cool because you can actually get somewhere faster

if you never turn.

-Okay. -[driver] Okay? Okay.

-Okay. -So, but, eh, uh...

[humming]

[pop music]

Okay, just up the street here.

-Make this light. -Okay. Okay.

You see that... Okay, stop right here.

-[driver] Okay. -[man] Great.

Okay, just...

leave it running for a minute.

Are you going to make two stops or are you getting out here?

No, we're going to stay here for a while.

I'm going to have to leave the app running because...

That's good. Just leave it running.

Okay.

-Son of a bitch! -What is happening?

Oh, look, I'm a private investigator

and my driver's license is on suspension right now.

And so, it would just...

be great if you could just sit with me for a while,

while we case this house. Okay?

-Yeah. Yeah. -All right.

-You're cool with that? -Yeah.

-All right. -This is a real stakeout?

Yeah, it's a real stakeout.

What did he do?

We need to prove that he's, uh,

screwing around with this uh...

this guy's girlfriend.

He's just a real piece of shit, you know.

All right.

Oh, God!

[whispering] Are they fucking?

Oh, come on!

I would think they would close the curtains.

Her boobs are up against the glass.

Oh, Janie!

-Huh? -Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!

[girl gasping]

I'm sorry.

Are you on a case right now or is this guy...

fucking your girlfriend?

It's, uh, this is my ex. I mean...

-[girl continues gasping] -I'm, uh...

So, this isn't a stakeout, it's a stalk out.

[sobbing] Just... Uh...

[pop music]

How did you die?

It's a very sad story.

Are you sure you'd like to hear it?

Yes.

Have you ever been in love?

Um, yeah. Mm-Hm.

I was in love once.

I was in love with a girl.

But her parents forbade our union.

I would sneak out to see her night after night,

until eventually...

well...

-What happened? -We got married.

Oh! Phew! [sighs]

She was the love of my life,

until...

Until what?

-We got divorced. -Oh, no! I'm sorry.

We were incompatible.

And then I was all alone.

I didn't know what to do,

until, finally, I realized I could make my pain

go away so easily.

-You killed yourself? -No, that's a sin.

-Oh! -I went out for a walk

to take the night air.

Oh, the city was different then.

Not quite so built up as it is now.

You couldn't hear a sound in the street

other than the clip-clop, clip-clop of the horses' hooves

as the handsome carriages made their way up the street.

Also, you would hear the honking of people's sports cars and trucks

because the handsome carriages were very slow.

What year was this?

What year? What year?

What life? What death?

I ask myself sometimes.

How long has it been

that I have walked this same path, over and over again?

Now, made easier by getting picked up in a car.

Okay, I get it, but, like, give me some like concrete things.

Like when... What year were you born and what year did you die and--?

I have...

you know, I have this story and...

-I have to tell it in a certain way and... -Okay.

-Okay. -Part of it is supposed to be kind of mysterious.

For sure.

[pop music]

Siri, fix steering wheel, how to?

[Siri] You don't have the skills to do that.

-Oh, gum. -Oh.

Young lady, are you chewing gum in my car?

-Yeah, you had it in your backseat-- -No.

Well, that's a test.

No gum in my car. Out. Spit it out.

-Into-- -Into my hand.

No, Ma'am, with the gum. No, Ma'am. Spit it. Good.

-Very good. -Sorry.

[clears throat]

Okay, uh, well I guess

we know not to chew gum in people's car.

[woman] I told you I wanted to drive.

Well, we didn't know if we were going to be drink-- we might have been drinking.

[woman] There was no drinking at that party.

But the flyer said that it had drinks

so if it wouldn't have had drinks,

if we were to have a drink then we'd have been drunk,

and then what happened to our car?

[woman] That's okay. You're right.

-[whispers] Oh, my God! -Okay,

I was planning because I was thinking what we would have did.

Oh. Okay.

We'll be home soon, baby.

Hold this. Hold this, please. Hold this, please.

-What? -Uh...

-[yelps] -Is that the steering wheel for this car?

Actually, actually this is a self-driving car.

-Don't you need to give it commands? -Yeah.

Hello, I'd like you to brake, please. Watch this.

It didn't brake. It is still not going straight. What is going on?

-And we need to turn eventually. -Exactly! Exactly!

Turn, please. What are you doing?

[laughs] What are you doing? You're wasting everyone's time.

-Okay, then just stop. Just stop the car. -Just let us out. Let us out.

Stop the car, please.

You know what? The car has better judgment than I do.

So, it's saying let's keep going.

Okay, and it's going faster.

[screaming]

[all screaming] Ah! Stop! Stop!

-Oh, Jesus! -You're just stalking your ex?

I don't think you should be doing this to yourself.

Oh, my God! That was our position.

[sobbing] That was our position, Janie!

-Wow! That's flexibility. -She's very flexible.

-Do you want to leave? -This is part of what I miss.

I know it's masochistic, but I just miss it.

You know, sometimes you just want to be close to it again.

-I think that what you're doing is unhealthy. -I don't think so.

I would suggest maybe that you... you let it go.

-Oh, God! -And move on.

Would you look at the size of that penis?

That's average.

Man, I've never seen a penis that big.

That's like something out of an animal documentary.

It's only huge by comparison to something infinitesimally small.

I... I... I mean, I just disagree.

I think this is a... this is a superman.

I mean, clearly, she left me for some kind of superman.

Oh, no! They're doing it in the style of dogs.

I've never seen such a thing before. This is... pure perversion.

I mean it's, it's very difficult to watch, but now I'm just fascinated.

That's pretty standard sexual position.

When we were together, we just did it just straight missionary

and that's what we did and it was good

and she always liked it, every time.

It doesn't look like she minds this.

What are you-- uh, what are you doing later?

Like do you want to hang out for the rest of the day?

I mean I'll pay you just to follow this guy around.

I don't think that's healthy.

I just feel like you and I have bonded

over the course of the last hour.

And we're sort of like, um,

kind of like a buddy-cop team.

Like I'm the sort of emotional one.

And you're sort of the logical, stern one and you know.

You're not a cop at all. You're not a police officer and I'm a driver.

Well, like I said, I'm an unlicensed private investigator.

Everybody is an unlicensed private investigator, in theory, everybody.

Every human on Earth.

-Oh, no! Oh, no! He's coming. He's coming. -I don't want to watch that.

No, no. He's coming out of the house.

Um, um, let's um, oh, we need to drive.

-We need to go. -[driver] Okay.

I think you chose a pool.

-I didn't choose pool. -Yeah, you chose pool.

-It's him. -Oh, shit! Oh, God!

-[man] Is this my pool? -Yeah. Hi!

Awesome. Hey. How's it going?

-[driver] How are you? -I am...

-great. -[driver] Great!

-How are you guys doing? -[driver] We're great.

[pop music]

-[driver] Okay, Ma'am, where to? -The hospital.

The hospital? Oh, my God! Are you going into labor?

No. No. I wouldn't let myself

go into labor in the car

because I know my friend Trista did that

and it cost her two-grand because of the fees.

-Drive Share has a pregnancy fee. -Yes, yes.

Yes, we do have a pregnancy fee.

That's just to protect our vehicle while doing this job.

-So, please don't go into labor because, okay-- -I couldn't

because I'm not pregnant.

-[screaming] -Okay, oh, my God! Please, please don't.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did it come out?

-Did what come out? -Is it crowning?

[gasping] Look, Sir, I'm just...

going to the hospital on a date.

[woman huffing and puffing]

Please, don't mess up my seats, for real.

I should call my date who is a doctor.

-What? -Obstetrics.

Hi, honey. Dr. Stevens.

Um, I am excited for our date,

but I have to come to the date sooner than expected

and I know we wanted to sit in the C-Section,

but it feels like it's too late for that

and that we should hang out in the V-section.

Okay, I know what that means. That's not even subtle.

Your little code language.

I'm so excited for us to have sexual intercourse

that I've been loosening my vagina, four centimeters.

Why would you loosen your vagina to have sex?

You're supposed to tighten it up. That's what guys like.

We don't want it wider.

Could you call my husband and tell him that it's time? Thanks.

Okay. Listen.

[moaning]

Okay, see, no, no. Not pregnant people don't do that sound.

Can I hold your hand?

Yes, you can hold my hand.

-[grunting] -My God! Jesus!

-[grunting] -[driver] Jesus!

[pop music]

-So, you were walking around and the horses-- -I was walking around--

-And the sports cars and the horses-- -Taking the night air,

-sports cars, horses, yes, we're all caught up. -Mm-hm.

I was approaching what you might now call the old broom factory.

I could hear inside all the machines making the brooms.

How wonderful I thought. So, many houses will be clean

while my life is so messy.

I looked up to the weathervane,

turning

in the lazy summer breeze.

Then I was shot in the back of the head.

Oh, my God!

Some kids, thrill-seeking.

Maybe they were trying to join a gang. I don't know.

-What? -Oh, it hurt.

That's awful. It-- you felt it?

-Oh, I felt every second of it. -No.

It's very intense to have a bullet in your brain.

-Yeah. -It's not good.

No. So, then you just bled to death outside--

No, I was taken to the hospital.

-Oh. -Where I bled to death.

Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Please don't. Don't do it.

It's rude.

Now, I am doomed

to re-enact my death time and time again.

Every year on this day,

I stand there alone in front of the old broom factory

acting like I'm getting shot in the back of the head.

Falling down on the ground...

and then I mime being taken to the hospital, which is difficult because...

it's quite a long walk.

And I'm a ghost. I'm not...

super fast or anything. I can't...

just appear at the hospital. So...

it takes me just as much time

as it would take you to go to do it.

So, ghosts and people are...

-similar? -Well, ghosts and people are similar

in that time passes the same way,

but you get to be alive and I don't.

So, that's a pretty big difference I'd say.

Big difference.

[pop music]

You guys have any water back here?

-Yeah, there should be water... by the seat. -Oh, great. Yeah.

I am so thirsty.

Like-- I don't mean to be like crude here or anything,

but I know I like just met you guys.

But I've been having the wildest sex

of my life for like four days straight.

It's been fucking cra-- You ever had that?

You've ever been in that kind of a situation?

Yeah. You've ever been in a situation where like you're like a girl's telling you like,

"You're the biggest. You're the biggest person I have ever been with?"

-You've ever had that? -Oh, yeah, buddy. Oh, yeah.

And I don't even have that big of a dick.

I have an average-size dick.

It's not I have like a dick from an animal documentary.

Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure it's pretty big.

No. It's not. You wanna-- I mean, I'm--

-I have had such a crazy day-- -There is a--

there is a lady in the front seat.

Oh, yeah, you want to see it? Cause like...

-it is real-- -No, I don't want to see your dick.

-Maybe I should take a look at it. -You want to?

Please, don't take out your penis in my car.

No. This needs to happen.

Okay, wanna see?

Okay. All right. Okay.

And that is like half job right now.

That's half way there.

Mm-Hm. That's cool, man. That's cool. That's real cool.

I don't know anything about her like I've barely talked to her.

We just-- it's like automatic fucking.

Just like a fuck machine, you know.

[sobbing] Sounds like a special girl.

Have you ever done it in the style of dogs?

Just ploughing at that puss, you know what I mean?

Come on, give it to me. Give it to me.

Oh, yeah! Sorry about that. I didn't wash my hands.

[pop music]

-Boo! -Oh, Jesus! What?

Oh, my God! Who the hell are you?

-I'm you from the future. -What?

Me from the future? This can't be. Okay, no, no.

Okay, if you're me from the future. Who did I have my first wet dream about?

-Jessica Rabbit. -What about when we first--

Donna Jordan. And she definitely had HPV.

[whispering] She did have HPV. Holy Shit!

You're me.

Why do I have hair?

Pf, 'cause it looks awesome.

Oh! I mean, yeah. No, it looks good.

What I'm about to tell you, might shock and surprise you.

It might also cause a space-time continuum riff just like Back to the Future.

Well, I've never seen Back to the Future.

Well, guess what? In the future,

you totally watched it.

-Ah! -Just tell me something about the future.

In the future, you totally start a kick ass band, bro, and people love your music.

-Really? -Then you meet this girl of your dreams,

and everything is working out awesome.

I mean, I got to say the future sounds pretty good.

Yeah, but then you burn down an orphanage

and kill a bunch of kids.

What? That's awful.

In retrospect, I should have led with the orphanage stuff.

Yeah, you should have!

I'm a murderer. In the future, I'm a murderer.

What can I do to stop this from happening?

-How did I burn down the orphanage? -Okay,

so you were like helping all these kids,

like doing your own Big Brother program. It was awesome, right?

And I came back from the future to watch me be awesome.

And, you know, I'm just like having a cigarette on the side.

Yeah. I smoke in the future, because cigarettes don't hurt you.

And, you know, I threw my cigarette into these bushes.

Those bushes just like went up.

Then the orphanage burns down. I'm like, [pants]

"Wow, that's a bummer," you know,

because all those kids they were so young. So, full of hope.

Wait a second, let me get this straight. You burned it down?

Well, I guess if we're pointing fingers,

technically, it's me, but I am you.

So, you started an orphanage and killed a bunch of kids.

-This is all your fault. -Forget about that orphanage, man.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

You have to remember one very important thing.

No matter what you do, never get in a time machine

and go back in time to talk to yourself.

Wait, but you just did that. You're doing that.

-Oh, yeah. It sucks for you. -Sucks for us. You are me.

Right. [laughs] You're so smart.

I guess now Biff is going to get that sports almanac and we're all screwed.

From Back to the Future.

I didn't see Back to the Future, okay?

You got to check it out.

Well, Bro, I'm out.

See you. Wouldn't want to be you. Boo!

Idiot!

I'm an idiot.

[pop music]

-[screaming] -Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.

Do you have like a blanket or a towel?

My sweat comes out real red.

-Did your water just break? -Um...

-Oh, my God! -It's fine. It's fine.

Okay, that has already cost you extra,

'cause if your water broke inside my car-- I mean the fee is already in.

You can't charge me for that.

You cannot even prove to me that you're not in labor right now,

cause all the signs are pointing to it.

Would a person who's in labor

drink straight whiskey from a flask?

[sniffs] Oh, my! That is--

Did you just have a flask of whiskey on you?

-Ma'am! Okay, no, that is not cool. -Oh, no baby.

Ma'am, you're literally putting your baby's life in danger

-just to save some money. -What baby?

Oh, look all these cigarettes.

And if I was pregnant, I wouldn't let this

go into my baby's lungs.

Ma'am, seriously!

[gasps]

Okay, see that is a given birth breath right there.

-[screams] -Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Shit! Shit! Shit! Jesus! Did you have it? -[continues screaming]

-Is that a ba--? -[slurs] Oh, the-- ah-- the--

Well, first of all, congratulations

for having a baby. Okay, that's amazing,

even though, my seats are a mess.

I don't have a baby. I have a wallet.

And this is the chain.

That's an umbilical cord, Ma'am. That is not a--

Are you dangling your baby right now.

There's no money in this wallet

so I can't pay any fees.

That is not a wallet, that is a human being.

-No. -I can see it breathing.

-Wallets don't breathe. -[baby crying]

I'll tell you, I'm not pregnant.

[stammers] You're definitely not pregnant,

'cause you just had a baby.

[gasping]

So, you're empty now.

[pop music]

Do you know, if you were to...

speed up significantly and then take a very sharp left,

you could crash into the wall and join me, walk the Earth with me

forever and ever and ever.

I'm so lonely.

[whispering] I'm so sorry, but I can't go with you.

Well, I suppose I am doomed then...

to continue haunting this city

until my unfinished business is completed.

What is your unfinished business?

To assassinate President John F. Kennedy.

Somebody did that already.

-Really? -Yes.

Oh, well,

great! I don't have to do that now.

Thank you.

-Thank you. -Five stars.

Oh! I will also give you five stars.

Uh! [gasps]

The real reason I came back in time

is because I want you to kiss me.

That's the reason that you came back?

I was dating this girl and she was totally cool,

and she says I kiss weird. And I was like, "I don't kiss weird.

I'm going to get in a time machine and find out if I kiss weird."

-So, kiss me. -No. I'm not going to kiss you.

Why are you such a prude, man?

-You got to kiss me. -Give it up, man.

-It's one girl. -Oh, come on.