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1
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:08,048
[rap music]
2
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:13,398
-[engine accelerating]
-[honk]
3
00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:19,021
Thank you for picking me up
from the cemetery.
4
00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:23,937
You're welcome.
So, where are we headed exactly?
5
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,240
I need to go...
6
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:29,813
to the spreading oak tree
by the broom factory.
7
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:34,381
Huh? Is that--
Oh, oh. Oh, wait a second.
8
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:39,385
There's some factory
that's by the galleria.
Is it by the mall?
9
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:41,430
-The mall?
-Mm-hm.
10
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:45,480
I'm afraid I don't know
this mall. You see,
11
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:50,920
I haven't lived here
in quite a long time.
12
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:53,143
-How long?
-Oh.
13
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:56,750
I've lost count.
It's been so many years.
14
00:00:56,795 --> 00:00:58,095
It seems like...
15
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,322
a lifetime ago.
16
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,060
A lifetime ago.
17
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,590
[suspenseful music]
18
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,107
Are you a ghost?
19
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:14,987
[exhaling] Yes.
20
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:20,779
If I put my--
If I put my hand towards you,
would it go through you?
21
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,169
It would be rude.
22
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:26,426
[pop music]
23
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:34,831
I'm telling you right now,
I shook his hand.
That was Liam Neeson.
24
00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:39,137
When I mentioned Taken,
he was definitely
like, "Yeah, I was in Taken."
25
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,666
Which Liam Neeson
would never say.
26
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,709
Look, the guy took me
to the bathroom.
27
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,934
He showed me
his tattoo on his back.
28
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,984
And then he tried
to get me to hold
his penis, but I was like,
29
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,669
"All right,
Liam Neeson, good joke."
30
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:51,197
Don't ever go
to the bathroom with someone.
31
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:52,851
If Liam Neeson tells me to go
to the bathroom with him,
32
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:54,155
I'm going to go
to the bathroom with him.
33
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:55,681
Do you have a picture
of the guy you saw?
34
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:57,124
Yeah, we took
a picture together.
35
00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,124
[woman] Okay, I don't wanna look
at a man's penis.
36
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,383
Oh, uh, he took my--
37
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:04,426
I'm sorry. Is everything okay?
You're moving around a lot.
38
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:08,172
I'm okay. Keep, keep talking.
Is there a penis up there?
39
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,735
-Yeah.
-[driver] You got to look
at that.
40
00:02:09,781 --> 00:02:11,131
Liam Neeson took my phone
and made a joke.
41
00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,134
Whoa! That's cool.
You got to look at that.
42
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:14,916
I'm going to make
this my profile pic.
43
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,350
[woman] I don't think
they'll allow it.
44
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,437
-This...
-Not the penis.
45
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,142
[man] I mean, maybe.
46
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,879
Well, if they take it down,
then I'll deal with that.
47
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,575
I mean, it's just your torso.
48
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:28,282
-I... I'm sorry.
You were supposed to turn left.
-Yes, yes.
49
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,542
I know. And I know that.
50
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:32,455
See, I know these streets
really well.
51
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:35,720
So, so I'm actually
like taking a shortcut, it's...
52
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,507
it's cool
because you can actually get
somewhere faster
53
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,120
if you never turn.
54
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,211
-Okay.
-[driver] Okay? Okay.
55
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,950
-Okay.
-So, but, eh, uh...
56
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,558
[humming]
57
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:48,782
[pop music]
58
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,223
Okay, just up the street here.
59
00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:59,004
-Make this light.
-Okay. Okay.
60
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,008
You see that...
Okay, stop right here.
61
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:01,960
-[driver] Okay.
-[man] Great.
62
00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:04,177
Okay, just...
63
00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,751
leave it running for a minute.
64
00:03:06,795 --> 00:03:09,615
Are you going to make two stops
or are you getting out here?
65
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,627
No, we're going to stay here
for a while.
66
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:15,107
I'm going to have to leave
the app running because...
67
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:16,461
That's good.
Just leave it running.
68
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:18,719
Okay.
69
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,510
-Son of a bitch!
-What is happening?
70
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,773
Oh, look,
I'm a private investigator
71
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,466
and my driver's license
is on suspension right now.
72
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,734
And so, it would just...
73
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:35,299
be great if you could just sit
with me for a while,
74
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,425
while we case this house. Okay?
75
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:40,703
-Yeah. Yeah.
-All right.
76
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:42,352
-You're cool with that?
-Yeah.
77
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:44,526
-All right.
-This is a real stakeout?
78
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:45,622
Yeah, it's a real stakeout.
79
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:47,791
What did he do?
80
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,358
We need to prove that he's, uh,
81
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,284
screwing around with this uh...
82
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:53,539
this guy's girlfriend.
83
00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,971
He's just a real piece of shit,
you know.
84
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:56,928
All right.
85
00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,147
Oh, God!
86
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,017
[whispering] Are they fucking?
87
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:02,326
Oh, come on!
88
00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:04,422
I would think
they would close the curtains.
89
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:06,641
Her boobs
are up against the glass.
90
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,121
Oh, Janie!
91
00:04:08,987 --> 00:04:13,907
-Huh?
-Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!
92
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,209
[girl gasping]
93
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,125
I'm sorry.
94
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:20,001
Are you on a case right now
or is this guy...
95
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,256
fucking your girlfriend?
96
00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:25,444
It's, uh, this is my ex.
I mean...
97
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,532
-[girl continues gasping]
-I'm, uh...
98
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,881
So, this isn't a stakeout,
it's a stalk out.
99
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,581
[sobbing] Just... Uh...
100
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:34,711
[pop music]
101
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,668
How did you die?
102
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,110
It's a very sad story.
103
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:43,761
Are you sure
you'd like to hear it?
104
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,065
Yes.
105
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,630
Have you ever been in love?
106
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,937
Um, yeah. Mm-Hm.
107
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,033
I was in love once.
108
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,950
I was in love with a girl.
109
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,469
But her parents
forbade our union.
110
00:04:57,514 --> 00:05:00,174
I would sneak out
to see her night after night,
111
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:02,778
until eventually...
112
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:04,828
well...
113
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:08,401
-What happened?
-We got married.
114
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:10,748
Oh! Phew! [sighs]
115
00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:12,398
She was the love of my life,
116
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,308
until...
117
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,453
Until what?
118
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,145
-We got divorced.
-Oh, no! I'm sorry.
119
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:21,499
We were incompatible.
120
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:23,850
And then I was all alone.
121
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,410
I didn't know what to do,
122
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:29,852
until, finally, I realized
I could make my pain
123
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:32,814
go away so easily.
124
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:36,160
-You killed yourself?
-No, that's a sin.
125
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,465
-Oh!
-I went out for a walk
126
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,254
to take the night air.
127
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,208
Oh, the city was different then.
128
00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:46,386
Not quite so built up
as it is now.
129
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,444
You couldn't hear a sound
in the street
130
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:55,089
other than the clip-clop,
clip-clop of the horses' hooves
131
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:58,617
as the handsome carriages
made their way up the street.
132
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:03,011
Also, you would hear the honking
of people's sports cars
and trucks
133
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:06,408
because the handsome carriages
were very slow.
134
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:07,543
What year was this?
135
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:09,504
What year? What year?
136
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,203
What life? What death?
137
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,290
I ask myself sometimes.
138
00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:14,849
How long has it been
139
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:20,252
that I have walked
this same path,
over and over again?
140
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:23,732
Now, made easier
by getting picked up in a car.
141
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:27,604
Okay, I get it,
but, like, give me
some like concrete things.
142
00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:30,298
Like when...
What year were you born
and what year did you die and--?
143
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,166
I have...
144
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,827
you know,
I have this story and...
145
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:37,441
-I have to tell it
in a certain way and...
-Okay.
146
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,624
-Okay.
-Part of it is supposed
to be kind of mysterious.
147
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:41,584
For sure.
148
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,188
[pop music]
149
00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:52,408
Siri, fix steering wheel,
how to?
150
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:55,325
[Siri] You don't have
the skills to do that.
151
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,551
-Oh, gum.
-Oh.
152
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,992
Young lady,
are you chewing gum in my car?
153
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:02,509
-Yeah, you had it
in your backseat--
-No.
154
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:04,212
Well, that's a test.
155
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:07,079
No gum in my car.
Out. Spit it out.
156
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,782
-Into--
-Into my hand.
157
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:13,037
No, Ma'am, with the gum.
No, Ma'am. Spit it. Good.
158
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,354
-Very good.
-Sorry.
159
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,257
[clears throat]
160
00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:19,442
Okay, uh, well I guess
161
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,222
we know not to chew gum
in people's car.
162
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,396
[woman] I told you
I wanted to drive.
163
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,974
Well, we didn't know
if we were going to be drink--
we might have been drinking.
164
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,231
[woman] There was no drinking
at that party.
165
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:30,714
But the flyer said
that it had drinks
166
00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,194
so if it
wouldn't have had drinks,
167
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,454
if we were to have a drink
then we'd have been drunk,
168
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:34,496
and then what happened
to our car?
169
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,500
[woman] That's okay.
You're right.
170
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,243
-[whispers] Oh, my God!
-Okay,
171
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,553
I was planning
because I was thinking
what we would have did.
172
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,510
Oh. Okay.
173
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,458
We'll be home soon, baby.
174
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:46,897
Hold this. Hold this, please.
Hold this, please.
175
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,694
-What?
-Uh...
176
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:51,729
-[yelps]
-Is that the steering wheel
for this car?
177
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,905
Actually, actually
this is a self-driving car.
178
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,211
-Don't you need
to give it commands?
-Yeah.
179
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:59,518
Hello, I'd like you to brake,
please. Watch this.
180
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,606
It didn't brake.
It is still not going straight.
What is going on?
181
00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:05,305
-And we need to turn
eventually.
-Exactly! Exactly!
182
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:06,924
Turn, please.
What are you doing?
183
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:10,234
[laughs] What are you doing?
You're wasting everyone's time.
184
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,452
-Okay, then just stop.
Just stop the car.
-Just let us out. Let us out.
185
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,932
Stop the car, please.
186
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:16,231
You know what? The car has
better judgment than I do.
187
00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:17,538
So, it's saying
let's keep going.
188
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:18,804
Okay, and it's going faster.
189
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:20,196
[screaming]
190
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:27,118
[all screaming] Ah! Stop! Stop!
191
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:34,213
-Oh, Jesus!
-You're just stalking your ex?
192
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:37,472
I don't think
you should be doing
this to yourself.
193
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,127
Oh, my God!
That was our position.
194
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,350
[sobbing] That was
our position, Janie!
195
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:46,872
-Wow! That's flexibility.
-She's very flexible.
196
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,527
-Do you want to leave?
-This is part of what I miss.
197
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,792
I know it's masochistic,
but I just miss it.
198
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:54,445
You know,
sometimes you just want
to be close to it again.
199
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:58,580
-I think that what you're doing
is unhealthy.
-I don't think so.
200
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,755
I would suggest
maybe that you... you let it go.
201
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,112
-Oh, God!
-And move on.
202
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,371
Would you look at the size
of that penis?
203
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:06,504
That's average.
204
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,456
Man, I've never seen
a penis that big.
205
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,935
That's like something out
of an animal documentary.
206
00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:16,246
It's only huge by comparison
to something
infinitesimally small.
207
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,384
I... I...
I mean, I just disagree.
208
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,517
I think this is a...
this is a superman.
209
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,170
I mean, clearly, she left me
for some kind of superman.
210
00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:27,609
Oh, no! They're doing it
in the style of dogs.
211
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:32,624
I've never seen
such a thing before.
This is... pure perversion.
212
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:36,179
I mean it's,
it's very difficult to watch,
but now I'm just fascinated.
213
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:38,877
That's
pretty standard sexual position.
214
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,966
When we were together,
we just did it
just straight missionary
215
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,536
and that's what we did
and it was good
216
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,113
and she always liked it,
every time.
217
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,199
It doesn't look
like she minds this.
218
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,979
What are you-- uh,
what are you doing later?
219
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,774
Like do you want to hang out
for the rest of the day?
220
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:54,638
I mean I'll pay you
just to follow this guy around.
221
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,861
I don't think that's healthy.
222
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,209
I just feel
like you and I have bonded
223
00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:58,728
over the course
of the last hour.
224
00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:01,382
And we're sort of like, um,
225
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:03,246
kind of like a buddy-cop team.
226
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,338
Like I'm
the sort of emotional one.
227
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:09,647
And you're sort of the logical,
stern one and you know.
228
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:13,916
You're not a cop at all.
You're not a police officer
and I'm a driver.
229
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,791
Well, like I said,
I'm an unlicensed
private investigator.
230
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:20,623
Everybody is an unlicensed
private investigator,
in theory, everybody.
231
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:22,233
Every human on Earth.
232
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:27,102
-Oh, no! Oh, no! He's coming.
He's coming.
-I don't want to watch that.
233
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,278
No, no. He's coming out
of the house.
234
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:30,543
Um, um, let's um,
oh, we need to drive.
235
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:31,666
-We need to go.
-[driver] Okay.
236
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,758
I think you chose a pool.
237
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,417
-I didn't choose pool.
-Yeah, you chose pool.
238
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,250
-It's him.
-Oh, shit! Oh, God!
239
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,029
-[man] Is this my pool?
-Yeah. Hi!
240
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:41,474
Awesome. Hey. How's it going?
241
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,600
-[driver] How are you?
-I am...
242
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,953
-great.
-[driver] Great!
243
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,122
-How are you guys doing?
-[driver] We're great.
244
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:48,428
[pop music]
245
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:00,834
-[driver] Okay, Ma'am, where to?
-The hospital.
246
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:03,397
The hospital? Oh, my God!
Are you going into labor?
247
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:06,095
No. No. I wouldn't let myself
248
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,579
go into labor in the car
249
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,374
because I know
my friend Trista did that
250
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,448
and it cost her
two-grand because of the fees.
251
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,457
-Drive Share
has a pregnancy fee.
-Yes, yes.
252
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,109
Yes, we do have a pregnancy fee.
253
00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,373
That's just to protect
our vehicle
while doing this job.
254
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:20,846
-So, please don't go
into labor because, okay--
-I couldn't
255
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,587
because I'm not pregnant.
256
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:26,644
-[screaming]
-Okay, oh, my God!
Please, please don't.
257
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,986
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Did it come out?
258
00:11:30,037 --> 00:11:32,037
-Did what come out?
-Is it crowning?
259
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,042
[gasping] Look, Sir,
I'm just...
260
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:36,224
going to the hospital
on a date.
261
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,870
[woman huffing and puffing]
262
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,175
Please, don't mess up
my seats, for real.
263
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,091
I should call my date
who is a doctor.
264
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,527
-What?
-Obstetrics.
265
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,923
Hi, honey. Dr. Stevens.
266
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:51,317
Um, I am excited for our date,
267
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:55,152
but I have to come to the date
sooner than expected
268
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:59,892
and I know we wanted
to sit in the C-Section,
269
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,676
but it feels
like it's too late for that
270
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,941
and that we should hang out
in the V-section.
271
00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,684
Okay, I know what that means.
That's not even subtle.
272
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,895
Your little code language.
273
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:11,474
I'm so excited for us
to have sexual intercourse
274
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:15,953
that I've been loosening
my vagina, four centimeters.
275
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,996
Why would you loosen
your vagina to have sex?
276
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,871
You're supposed
to tighten it up.
That's what guys like.
277
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,613
We don't want it wider.
278
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:24,273
Could you call my husband
and tell him
that it's time? Thanks.
279
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,268
Okay. Listen.
280
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:26,919
[moaning]
281
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,753
Okay, see, no, no.
Not pregnant people
don't do that sound.
282
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,142
Can I hold your hand?
283
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,265
Yes, you can hold my hand.
284
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,666
-[grunting]
-My God! Jesus!
285
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,190
-[grunting]
-[driver] Jesus!
286
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,023
[pop music]
287
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:46,157
-So, you were walking around
and the horses--
-I was walking around--
288
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,860
-And the sports cars
and the horses--
-Taking the night air,
289
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,248
-sports cars, horses, yes,
we're all caught up.
-Mm-hm.
290
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:57,385
I was approaching
what you might now call
the old broom factory.
291
00:12:57,428 --> 00:13:01,648
I could hear
inside all the machines
making the brooms.
292
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:05,831
How wonderful I thought.
So, many houses will be clean
293
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:08,532
while my life is so messy.
294
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,490
I looked up to the weathervane,
295
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:12,269
turning
296
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,835
in the lazy summer breeze.
297
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,451
Then I was shot
in the back of the head.
298
00:13:16,491 --> 00:13:17,711
Oh, my God!
299
00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:19,713
Some kids, thrill-seeking.
300
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,317
Maybe they were trying
to join a gang. I don't know.
301
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:23,976
-What?
-Oh, it hurt.
302
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,850
That's awful. It-- you felt it?
303
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,242
-Oh, I felt every second of it.
-No.
304
00:13:28,285 --> 00:13:30,505
It's very intense
to have a bullet in your brain.
305
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,418
-Yeah.
-It's not good.
306
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:35,733
No. So, then you just bled
to death outside--
307
00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:37,251
No, I was taken
to the hospital.
308
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,304
-Oh.
-Where I bled to death.
309
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,170
Oh, God!
310
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,391
I'm so sorry.
311
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:44,080
Please don't. Don't do it.
312
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,387
It's rude.
313
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:49,092
Now, I am doomed
314
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:52,791
to re-enact
my death time and time again.
315
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,402
Every year on this day,
316
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:58,533
I stand there alone in front
of the old broom factory
317
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:01,836
acting like I'm getting
shot in the back of the head.
318
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:03,840
Falling down on the ground...
319
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:09,808
and then I mime being taken
to the hospital,
which is difficult because...
320
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,421
it's quite a long walk.
321
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,977
And I'm a ghost. I'm not...
322
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,384
super fast or anything.
I can't...
323
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:19,601
just appear
at the hospital. So...
324
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,904
it takes me just as much time
325
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,508
as it would take you
to go to do it.
326
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,688
So, ghosts and people are...
327
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:29,428
-similar?
-Well, ghosts and people
are similar
328
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:30,777
in that time
passes the same way,
329
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,516
but you get to be alive
and I don't.
330
00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:36,008
So, that's a pretty big
difference I'd say.
331
00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:36,919
Big difference.
332
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,443
[pop music]
333
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,843
You guys have
any water back here?
334
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,934
-Yeah, there should be water...
by the seat.
-Oh, great. Yeah.
335
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,854
I am so thirsty.
336
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,679
Like-- I don't mean to be
like crude here or anything,
337
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,158
but I know
I like just met you guys.
338
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:58,328
But I've been having
the wildest sex
339
00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:01,635
of my life
for like four days straight.
340
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,903
It's been fucking cra--
You ever had that?
341
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,596
You've ever been
in that kind of a situation?
342
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:11,349
Yeah. You've ever been
in a situation where like you're
like a girl's telling you like,
343
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:15,178
"You're the biggest.
You're the biggest person
I have ever been with?"
344
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:17,088
-You've ever had that?
-Oh, yeah, buddy. Oh, yeah.
345
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,923
And I don't even have
that big of a dick.
346
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,091
I have an average-size dick.
347
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:24,307
It's not I have like a dick
from an animal documentary.
348
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:27,188
Don't sell yourself short.
I'm sure it's pretty big.
349
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:29,930
No. It's not. You wanna--
I mean, I'm--
350
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,412
-I have had
such a crazy day--
-There is a--
351
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,672
there is
a lady in the front seat.
352
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:35,145
Oh, yeah, you want to see it?
Cause like...
353
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:36,715
-it is real--
-No, I don't want
to see your dick.
354
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:38,291
-Maybe I should take
a look at it.
-You want to?
355
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:40,768
Please, don't take out
your penis in my car.
356
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:41,979
No. This needs to happen.
357
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,728
Okay, wanna see?
358
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,288
Okay. All right. Okay.
359
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:47,855
And that is
like half job right now.
360
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,953
That's half way there.
361
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,992
Mm-Hm. That's cool, man.
That's cool. That's real cool.
362
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:56,128
I don't know anything about her
like I've barely talked to her.
363
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:59,392
We just--
it's like automatic fucking.
364
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,046
Just like a fuck machine,
you know.
365
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,870
[sobbing] Sounds
like a special girl.
366
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,568
Have you ever done it
in the style of dogs?
367
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:06,695
Just ploughing at that puss,
you know what I mean?
368
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:09,618
Come on, give it to me.
Give it to me.
369
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:15,276
Oh, yeah! Sorry about that.
I didn't wash my hands.
370
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,982
[pop music]
371
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:28,547
-Boo!
-Oh, Jesus! What?
372
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,379
Oh, my God!
Who the hell are you?
373
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,165
-I'm you from the future.
-What?
374
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:36,911
Me from the future?
This can't be. Okay, no, no.
375
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,872
Okay, if you're me
from the future. Who did I have
my first wet dream about?
376
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:42,571
-Jessica Rabbit.
-What about when we first--
377
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,350
Donna Jordan.
And she definitely had HPV.
378
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:48,435
[whispering] She did have HPV.
Holy Shit!
379
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:50,360
You're me.
380
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:53,751
Why do I have hair?
381
00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:56,225
Pf, 'cause it looks awesome.
382
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:58,496
Oh! I mean, yeah.
No, it looks good.
383
00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:01,929
What I'm about to tell you,
might shock and surprise you.
384
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:06,897
It might also cause
a space-time continuum riff
just like Back to the Future.
385
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,768
Well, I've never seen
Back to the Future.
386
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,680
Well, guess what?
In the future,
387
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,635
you totally watched it.
388
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:15,083
-Ah!
-Just tell me something
about the future.
389
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:21,134
In the future, you totally start
a kick ass band, bro,
and people love your music.
390
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:23,480
-Really?
-Then you meet
this girl of your dreams,
391
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,130
and everything
is working out awesome.
392
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,085
I mean, I got to say
the future sounds pretty good.
393
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,404
Yeah, but then you burn down
an orphanage
394
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:30,569
and kill a bunch of kids.
395
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:32,144
What? That's awful.
396
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,791
In retrospect,
I should have led
with the orphanage stuff.
397
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,316
Yeah, you should have!
398
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:39,189
I'm a murderer.
In the future, I'm a murderer.
399
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:40,892
What can I do to stop
this from happening?
400
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:43,149
-How did I burn down
the orphanage?
-Okay,
401
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,412
so you were like helping
all these kids,
402
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:48,145
like doing
your own Big Brother program.
It was awesome, right?
403
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:51,547
And I came back from the future
to watch me be awesome.
404
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,772
And, you know,
I'm just like having a cigarette
on the side.
405
00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:57,294
Yeah. I smoke in the future,
because cigarettes
don't hurt you.
406
00:17:57,337 --> 00:18:00,167
And, you know,
I threw my cigarette
into these bushes.
407
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,039
Those bushes just like went up.
408
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,391
Then the orphanage burns down.
I'm like, [pants]
409
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,091
"Wow, that's a bummer,"
you know,
410
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,778
because all those kids
they were so young.
So, full of hope.
411
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:10,955
Wait a second,
let me get this straight.
You burned it down?
412
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:12,742
Well, I guess
if we're pointing fingers,
413
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,877
technically,
it's me, but I am you.
414
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:18,009
So, you started
an orphanage and killed
a bunch of kids.
415
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,663
-This is all your fault.
-Forget about that orphanage,
man.
416
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,138
Is there anything else
you want to tell me?
417
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,838
You have to remember
one very important thing.
418
00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:29,056
No matter what you do,
never get in a time machine
419
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,978
and go back in time
to talk to yourself.
420
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:35,553
Wait, but you just did that.
You're doing that.
421
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:39,162
-Oh, yeah. It sucks for you.
-Sucks for us. You are me.
422
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,155
Right. [laughs]
You're so smart.
423
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:44,857
I guess now Biff is going
to get that sports almanac
and we're all screwed.
424
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,167
From Back to the Future.
425
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,913
I didn't see
Back to the Future, okay?
426
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:50,964
You got to check it out.
427
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,909
Well, Bro, I'm out.
428
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:56,397
See you.
Wouldn't want to be you. Boo!
429
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,012
Idiot!
430
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:00,359
I'm an idiot.
431
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,800
[pop music]
432
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:09,890
-[screaming]
-Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.
433
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:12,371
Do you have
like a blanket or a towel?
434
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:14,632
My sweat comes out real red.
435
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,755
-Did your water just break?
-Um...
436
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:19,677
-Oh, my God!
-It's fine. It's fine.
437
00:19:19,723 --> 00:19:21,733
Okay, that
has already cost you extra,
438
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:25,339
'cause if your water
broke inside my car--
I mean the fee is already in.
439
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:27,081
You can't charge me for that.
440
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:29,342
You cannot even prove to me
that you're not in labor
right now,
441
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:30,815
cause all the signs
are pointing to it.
442
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,815
Would a person who's in labor
443
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:35,567
drink straight whiskey
from a flask?
444
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:37,049
[sniffs] Oh, my! That is--
445
00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:39,958
Did you just have a flask
of whiskey on you?
446
00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:42,834
-Ma'am!
Okay, no, that is not cool.
-Oh, no baby.
447
00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:47,185
Ma'am, you're literally putting
your baby's life in danger
448
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,619
-just to save some money.
-What baby?
449
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,665
Oh, look all these cigarettes.
450
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:53,191
And if I was pregnant,
I wouldn't let this
451
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,845
go into my baby's lungs.
452
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,199
Ma'am, seriously!
453
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,848
[gasps]
454
00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,022
Okay, see that
is a given birth breath
right there.
455
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:03,848
-[screams]
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
456
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:09,248
-Shit! Shit! Shit!
Jesus! Did you have it?
-[continues screaming]
457
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,245
-Is that a ba--?
-[slurs] Oh, the-- ah-- the--
458
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:13,257
Well, first of all,
congratulations
459
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,259
for having a baby.
Okay, that's amazing,
460
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,131
even though,
my seats are a mess.
461
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:18,782
I don't have a baby.
I have a wallet.
462
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:21,126
And this is the chain.
463
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,308
That's an umbilical cord,
Ma'am. That is not a--
464
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,963
Are you dangling
your baby right now.
465
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:27,657
There's no money
in this wallet
466
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,274
so I can't pay any fees.
467
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,925
That is not a wallet,
that is a human being.
468
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,748
-No.
-I can see it breathing.
469
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,226
-Wallets don't breathe.
-[baby crying]
470
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,146
I'll tell you,
I'm not pregnant.
471
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:38,021
[stammers] You're
definitely not pregnant,
472
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:39,332
'cause you just had a baby.
473
00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:40,498
[gasping]
474
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:41,723
So, you're empty now.
475
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,502
[pop music]
476
00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:49,901
Do you know,
if you were to...
477
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:54,433
speed up significantly
and then take a very sharp left,
478
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:59,740
you could crash
into the wall and join me,
walk the Earth with me
479
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:04,520
forever and ever and ever.
480
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,397
I'm so lonely.
481
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:10,355
[whispering] I'm so sorry,
but I can't go with you.
482
00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:13,231
Well, I suppose
I am doomed then...
483
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:16,925
to continue haunting this city
484
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:20,761
until my unfinished business
is completed.
485
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,671
What is
your unfinished business?
486
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:27,107
To assassinate
President John F. Kennedy.
487
00:21:27,938 --> 00:21:29,588
Somebody did that already.
488
00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:33,066
-Really?
-Yes.
489
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:34,117
Oh, well,
490
00:21:35,032 --> 00:21:37,082
great!
I don't have to do that now.
491
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:38,855
Thank you.
492
00:21:39,428 --> 00:21:41,258
-Thank you.
-Five stars.
493
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:45,960
Oh! I will also give you
five stars.
494
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:46,830
Uh! [gasps]
495
00:21:59,187 --> 00:22:01,017
The real reason
I came back in time
496
00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:03,154
is because I want you
to kiss me.
497
00:22:03,191 --> 00:22:05,061
That's the reason
that you came back?
498
00:22:05,106 --> 00:22:07,976
I was dating this girl
and she was totally cool,
499
00:22:08,022 --> 00:22:10,552
and she says I kiss weird.
And I was like,
"I don't kiss weird.
500
00:22:10,590 --> 00:22:13,380
I'm going to get in
a time machine
and find out if I kiss weird."
501
00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:15,679
-So, kiss me.
-No. I'm not going to kiss you.
502
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:17,375
Why are you
such a prude, man?
503
00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:19,473
-You got to kiss me.
-Give it up, man.
504
00:22:19,512 --> 00:22:21,342
-It's one girl.
-Oh, come on.
38984
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