Original subtitles

[techno music]

Hey, so we're just gonna make a left up here,

going to St. Martha's Vineyard.

Oh sweet. Is that a--

Just for brunch. Mimosa's bottomless.

Actually if you can make a right up here. We're picking up Jenny.

She's... she's real sweet.

She's, um...

she's not from here. She's Australian.

-Oh, awesome. -Yeah. So she doesn't, like, understand

a lot of the things we say, but it's partially 'cause she's not from here

and partially 'cause she's, like, a little stupid.

She's very stupid.

-But she's, you know-- -She's your friend.

She's my friend. She's a really nice person.

-Right, right. -But she's just like dumb as bricks

and, like, kind of slutty. Like, I mean I don't wanna, like, say this about her

because she's my friend but, like...

she'll just like put her mouth on anything.

Last night we went out and I was, like, talking to this guy

and I was like, "Oh, you're cute. You look like you have money."

-And then she just swoops right in. -[driver] Oh.

And was just like drooling from the mouth, like she's just ready to go down.

-Yeah. -Yeah, no, she's good, great to go dancing with,

but I just, like, I fucking hate her.

I mean she drives me crazy and her voice kind of...

it feels like nails on a chalkboard, you know?

-Oh! -But like it's a, it's a, like...

ugh, a grossed out feeling you get.

But at the end of the day because you're both women...

-Yeah. -You feel a bond.

No, I feel competitive and angry.

Yeah, just right up here. Great.

-See how she's, like, kind of dumpy? -Oh.

[woman] And, like, it's just kind of a mess.

[Jenny] Hey, sweetie girl. How are you? I missed you.

-I know. I missed you too. -I love your outfit. You look so comfy.

Thank you!

-This is nice! -Thank you.

Oh my God, is it plastic?

[techno music]

Look at that. Little newborn baby. Congratulations, everybody.

-Thank you. -Thank you, we're so excited.

I can feel the love you guys have for each other in the car.

-Top flight parents of the year. -Oh, yeah.

Are you gonna be using the phone? The phone is gonna be on?

Yes, I'm using the GPS, just trying to get you

to your destination the most efficient way possible.

I got you. Um, we, we, would rather you not.

-Okay... -Just 'cause, I mean, we got a baby, you know?

I don't want you to look down, look back up right into the back of a truck.

You know, um... technically, there's nothing wrong with that.

I kind of know, it's just for backup, you know.

So you're saying you know where we live?

How would you know where we lived?

-How-- -'Cause you gave me the address.

See, this is already unsafe.

We just had a baby and people know where we live.

Okay. I'm not gonna do nothing to you.

I don't care about you or your bab--

You don't care? You are driving us!

I mean, we have a newborn child.

You need to care. We need you to care.

I care, but I mean,

I don't care to get in your business.

Okay. Well-- okay.

I'll put it on airplane mode?

Please don't put it on airplane mode.

This baby is too young to be flying.

Okay, I'll just turn it off.

What neighborhood are you taking us through?

I'm seeing way too many dairy stores.

-Our baby is lactose intolerant. -Yeah, already.

That's not gonna affect the baby's digestive system.

-It's just a store. -Are you a doctor?

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, I didn't think you were a doctor.

I'm scared of this man. He's not woke.

-You asleep right now? -I apologize.

I appreciate the love that you two have for each other and your baby, you know.

Before you said you didn't care about us, so it made me a little nervous.

I don't know who to trust. You got two faces. You must be a Gemini.

How do you know my horoscope? I am a Gemini.

[techno music]

-[man] You owe me 20 dollars. -[woman] Why?

-Pete and Maggie had a baby, they didn't break up. -[sighs] You know what?

She bet me that our friends wouldn't stay married, that they would break up.

That makes me seem like a really negative person.

Every one of our friends that's gotten married,

-you've bet against the marriage. -That's true. And what am I?

I'm at seventy-five percent success.

-My wife was similar. -Similar to what?

-My wife would always bet against... -Oh.

-Oh, okay. -Other people's relationships.

It turns out it was just her way of expressing pessimism

about her relationship with me that she was actually in.

-That's what I said. -I 'm not betting against it. I just don't think--

I said your inherent mistrust of the institution of marriage

makes me concerned about our marriage.

-Oh, God. -Did you have kids, your wife and you?

-[scoffs] No, no. -Let's not.

-We're talking about-- -We're not talking about it.

-We're talking about not having one. -We're talking about it.

It's one of the things you're talking about in therapy.

[sighs in frustration] You know what, you carry it.

If you wanna have it, then you find a way to get pregnant and carry it.

That's such a passive-aggressive... like "you carry it."

When you know that's not possible.

-I know. I don't wanna do it. -I would if I could.

-Oh, really? -I would love nothing more

than to have that bond,

to have those months.

Where would you carry the baby?

In in my uterus, in my male uterus.

-You know how many hours-- -Like the movie Junior.

...a day-- Like the movie Junior?

Where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant.

You know what else happens to your vagina?

It gets so stretched out,

that every time you walk, you're queefing.

-So do some Kegels. -No, it doesn't--

I've been begging you to do Kegels for years.

Why don't you get a smaller dick?

[laughs softly] Wow.

It's a red flag in relationships when you start resenting basic biological realities.

Some women would love to be with a guy who has a large member.

-It's not just large. -That's like a covetable thing.

No, no. Sir, sir, it's not just large,

it's very big at the top

and then it narrows down when it gets to the base.

-Yeah, Slugger. -Yeah, it's a Louisville Slugger.

It's like a Louisville Slugger. Do you know what that feels like?

[techno music]

Who are we picking up?

-Kylie. -Kylie.

-And she's a good friend of yours? -She's such a sweet girl.

She's really close.

So you guys had a big time last night?

We did. We had a really nice time.

-Really good time. I had so much fun. -Met a special guy.

Yeah, how was that for you?

It was nice. I hope you don't feel bad about that.

No, no, I want you to be happy. You're my friend.

He's so sweet. And I think his type is kind of like sweet and pretty girls.

So I could-- I sort of see what happened there.

-Yeah. -With you, no...

-Right. I'm-- -You're like a... you're like a glamazon.

You're like a sexy glamazon leather jacket kind of girl.

Yeah, more like a busty--

And I'm just like a sweet and pretty girl.

Did you blow him?

-I mean I don't wanna-- -Did you? Just tell me.

-Oh, did you? -Is the driver, um...

-It's okay, I don't-- -Driver, can you cover your ears for a second?

There's no way for me to physically drive while I cover my ears.

Did you fucking blow him?

Yeah.

Hey, you slut!

-[both laugh] -Clearly, I know what happened.

-Sorry? -I know that you blew the guy. It's...

-How did-- what? -You're being such a perv right now.

We're trying to have a conversation.

Yeah, it's pretty inappropriate to speak to me like that.

What's your number? What's your like registration number?

-Do you have a special number? -I can give you my thing. You can rate me at the end.

-Yeah. -And just so you know, I can rate you guys also, so...

Let me just see if she's coming.

Look, I took this picture from under her skirt yesterday.

-[laughs] -Ah!

She's got much thicker legs than I realized.

Oh God, she's never gonna make it out.

She's always late, it's very embarrassing for her.

She's always like, "This shirt or this shirt? Do I look fat in this shirt?"

And it's like, "Yes, you should've dropped ten pounds before you left the house."

-Yeah, she looks fat in everything. -Oh, there she is.

[car door opens]

-Hi! How are you? -Hi! I'm so sorry.

You guys weren't waiting long, right?

-A little while, but it's fine. -It was fine.

I wasn't that hungry. So now I am hungry.

[techno music]

-[woman] She's so quiet. -He ain't got time to talk.

-We named her Naomi. -Oh, Naomi.

It means pleasant. That's in the Bible.

Yeah, Naomi Campbell. That's the one that comes to mind.

-Oh, don't-- -Don't put that on our child.

Just saying Naomi Campbell's a world-renowned model--

My baby is not gonna be a model. My baby's gonna be a scientist.

A scientist or the first female NFL quarterback.

First, I think you don't care about your baby if you want her to be a NFL quarterback.

-Do you know how they get concussions-- -Are you a doctor?

-I saw concussion. -Did you go to medical school?

-Have you not seen concussion? -No. But I saw Draft Day, and there was no women in it.

Okay, I don't need to watch Kevin Costner movies 'cause I think he's flat in all of them.

He was fantastic in the Bodyguard. You stop that.

-Whitney Houston carried that role. -[woman] Don't know who that is.

-Kevin Costner is flat. -I don't trust this man. Please, don't--

I'm sorry, I just-- I just found an area to bond. I'm sorry.

-That's right. -I forgot to put the "Baby On Board."

-Oh my God. You wanna turn around. -[both] We need to go back.

Why go back because you forgot to put a sticker on?

We've been driving this whole time without it.

Nobody knew we had a baby on board.

Okay, we could just put it back on and continue.

It's not gonna retroactively make your baby safer

-if we go all the way back. -Are you doctor?

-Ask him again. -Did you go to medical school?

-I didn't go to medical school. -[woman] Okay, then.

-Yeah, doctors don't drive. -We need to go back.

-I'll just put it on. -We'll be all right.

I'll just, just put it-- I'll put it right here, okay?

There. Is everyone happy?

-Yes. -I don't even know how this is gonna work.

It's not like people are trying to actively kill people in a car

and then see "Baby On Board" and are like "I'm not gonna crash into them."

-This man is asleep! -You're not woke, bro.

You know who is asleep? Your baby.

-My baby is asleep. -Baby is asleep.

Baby is asleep. Okay?

Oh, Naomi's so quiet.

-And I think she picked up my demeanor. -Yeah.

-I don't think you're quiet. -What are you saying about my wife?

-I'm not saying anything. -Are you saying she is loud?

Are you saying that I'm loud? I'm not loud!

-We aren't a loud family. -Wait, you said I'm loud?

Say it again! I dare you. Say it again. I'm not loud.

You know what-- -One thing I know about myself

is that I'm not loud.

That was one of the biggest qualities

I saw in her when I met her on Tinder.

-[driver] Is not being loud? -Yes, being quiet.

I'm quiet! -That sounds misogynistic.

You want a quiet, submissive woman.

-That's not what I'm saying. -Is he a doctor?

-Are you, are you a doctor? -Is he a doctor?

Are you saying I'm a misogynist?

That's not even a doctor term. That's just--

-You're diagnosing him with misogynist. -You diagnosed me.

You're asleep! [baby crying]

You're not woke. You're asleep!

[techno music]

If I wanted to be at a kid's birthday party today--

-It was a christening. -Whatever. It's the same thing. Who cares?

It's not the same thing. You know that at one point I looked over and you were asleep?

I don't wanna be in a church. I don't need to be a part of this baby's life.

-The church was a tiny part. -That person is a work friend of yours.

-You are my life partner. -Who did I meet? Who did I meet of value?

You were asleep the fucking whole time.

I was asleep for maybe thirty seconds.

That's so weird. It's 2 p.m. No, no.

I'm like that. I fall asleep all the time.

-See? Thank you. -That doesn't make me feel good.

-You're a driver. -Well... but I mean I can doze off

pretty much, I mean, instantly.

-Sure, if you don't have a ride. -Don't tell people.

And sort of the motion... to me, it's like the motion and sort of the air.

-I could fall asleep right here right now. -Me too.

That's not something to brag about. It's called engagement with life.

That's what it's called, engagement with life?

Yes, engagement with life. Engage with the present moment

as you're always groaning on and on about.

Yes, I'd love to engage with sleeping right now.

Sometimes I just want you to shut up and just...

watch, you know, an episode of House Hunters with me.

-Huh! -Like, why can't it just be that?

-It's fake. -You don't know that!

[laughs] I know it! I sent you that article!

I sent you that BuzzFeed article!

-Whoa, whoa. -It is fake!

That BuzzFeed article I sent

told you it was fake! Why don't you believe me?

Because they don't always take the unfinished one.

-What about Belize? -Belize is an outlier!

-Belize is an outlier! -What about Stockholm?

-Stockholm is not real. -Yes, it had--

[techno music]

I'm not gonna have much because I'm feeling a little frumpy.

I love this outfit. It's like definitely the best outfit you've ever chosen for yourself.

Does it look like I'm trying to cover?

'Cause I was like, why am I layering?

-I mean not a bad way. -It covers what you wanna cover.

Yeah, it covers all the right things.

So you girls had a big night last night?

-Yeah. -He just keeps interrupting.

[inaudible whispers]

We're talking. We are the friends.

[whispering] I think he's trying to be friends with us.

I just want to say that I'm a human being and I can hear you.

-That's it. -Sorry, what?

-I'm a human being. -Uh-huh.

Being, you're being a human, like it's hard for you?

And I can hear you.

I hear what people say in my car.

And when you talk about me, I can hear you. That's it.

It's hard to hear you 'cause you've got quite a thin, small voice

even though you're clearly a very tall man.

Guys, I need to hydrate.

It is hot.

Your skin looks really dry.

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

You're starting to get those patches.

Do you have water?

No, I didn't think to bring any water, sorry.

It's considered part of the service to get some water.

Just put it on my rating, okay?

Why put the bare minimum into something?

Just try harder. Put in some effort.

-Shut the fuck up! -Oh, my--

Shut your fucking mouths!

All of you talk shit about each other

before you got in the car, okay?

You're not friends. You hate each other.

Each of you is a terrible bitch!

Stop filming this! Do not film this!

You're fucking terrible, horrible!

She was talking shit about you before you got in the car, okay?

And she was talking shit about you before you got in the car!

-We definitely weren't. -You're not even friends!

Don't believe this guy.

You're not even friends!

-We are having the best time. -This is a really great morning.

I feel bonded.

[techno music]

-Oh, oh. -Jesus Christ, man! What happened to you?

Hollyweird happened to me. I don't know you guys live here.

I was outside the Mann's Chinese Theatre.

I saw Freddy Krueger,

who is just as scary in person as he is in the movies.

I asked him for a photograph and he took one with me and my family.

And then he was like, "Give me 20 dollars." "I don't have 20 dollars."

And then he stabbed me with one of his Freddy Krueger fingers.

-I was like, "I'm in the movie!" -You're not in the movie.

You were stabbed by a grifter. We're bringing you to a hospital.

Bring me to the hospital where they shoot Grey's Anatomy.

I want to meet McDreamy.

I once had a dream that Patrick Dempsey

told me never to give up. That's the truth.

It's so funny, I actually had the same dream.

-Were you on a boat? -I was.

I was on a boat. And he came up to me and he said,

[both] "Never give up."

What is it about Patrick Dempsey? What is it?

That's so crazy. I mean I can't believe we have the same exact dream.

-Yeah. -Let me ask you a question.

I've got this commercial audition tomorrow.

It's sort of like this antacid commercial and, um...

you know, I'd just do it for you, I won't even spoil it for you.

So just like, Oh!

Oh... just got this burning pit in my chest.

-[passenger moans] -Uf!

Sometimes when I'm at work, my indigestion gets real bad.

Thank goodness for Bygones.

-One Bygone... -I can't--

and I can kiss my indigestion by-gone."

Did you buy that I have like a burning sensation in the chest?

-In the chest? -Yeah, yeah.

'Cause I feel like-- you know, I think I approach commercial acting

a little bit differently than some of people. I took a commercial class.

So for me, I kind of I'm always approaching it

from a more animalistic place, I was trying to think, like, what does the sound

of someone with like bad heartburn, like...

-[driver moans] -[passenger moans]

-[driver moans] -[passenger moans]

-No, that's too much. It's like "uhh." -[passenger moans]

"Uh." You see, again, you're pushing.

-You're pushing it. -[with difficulty] Yeah, I--

It's when you feel like that kind of stabbing pain in your chest,

-you're like, "Ah!" -[passenger moans]

Too guttural. I don't mean to judge, but I'm in a Meisner class right now

and you know, it's all about, like, repetition

and, you know, kind of creating-- -Help.

-"Help," yeah. "Help." -Help. Doctor.

Bygone! Help!

-Hospital... -No, see? That's too much.

-It's just antacid, you know. -Hospital...

No, I don't want to go to the hospital.

I wanna do like "Oh..." Or maybe I sh--

Maybe my character wants to go to the hospital,

but then when he has a Bygone, he doesn't need to go.

There, you see, that's a good as if.

That's a really good as if.

[techno music]

Those oysters were so wet.

-Speaking of wet. -[both laughing]

I'm gonna go down on you right now. I'm going down on you. I'm sorry.

I got to go down on her.

Just saying, I'll end the fare if you guys do that, so.

-Oh, really? Whatever. -Whatever.

Okay, wait, wait. Okay, wait. Wait, wait.

Wait, before we do that, what is your first name?

I don't even know your-- [both laugh]

-Julie. -And your last name?

Yang.

-You're Yang? -Yeah, I'm a Yang.

I'm a Yang! Well, I mean I'm Anderson,

but my real last name is Yang.

What do mean your real last name?

-I was adopted. -Oh my God, I was adopted too.

-Really? -That is so sexy.

Adoptee sex. We are about to have some adoptee sex.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. I got to show you this photo.

This is me in Guangdong when I was a baby.

You know, I only have one photo of me when I was a baby, and...

it looks like the same photo.

-There's like a boy and a girl. -A girl...

-And like, the girl's me. -The boy's me.

You're my sister?

I'm your sister.

I was just about to eat your pussy.

Oh my God. Oh my God!

Oh my God.

-Hey! -Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

You're my sister.

[techno music]

No, I think it's-- I think it's ludicrous.

I think for us... we need to be in a better place.

-God, this is so boring. -We need to be a happier couple.

I wish I had a tape of this. I wish I had a tape on this.

You want me to record this on my iPhone?

-Sure, press record please. -Oh, iPhone.

Oh, I'm out of memory.

-Can you record it on yours? -You're out of memory?

-Yes. -Well, delete some of the videos

of stuff you want to buy.

I have a Pinterest page that I am building with my friend

about the ten items that every woman should have in their wardrobe.

Okay, see? Nonsense.

This is the kind of nonsense we're filled with.

This is it, technology.

-Oh my God. -That's the thing right there.

Pinterest and pictures and videos.

-It's not-- it's noise. -What did Pinterest ever do to you?

It takes you away from me.

You know I don't mean to talk out of turn but...

it seems to me that you should take time out of your life.

-For myself. -For yourself.

-To relax. -Yeah.

And maybe you should let your wife explore different sides of her identity

and not hold her to who she's always been.

It's never too late for us to have a new beginning.

The whole point of a relationship is to stay with each other

as we grow and change over a lifetime.

Whoa... that was...

-[she sighs] -That was right on the money.

-It was right on the money. -That, like...

-that cut right through me. -It really hit me. To the core.

This is really weird...

but would you mind if we, like, took a ride with you every Sunday?

Can we request you? Is that possible?

-Sure, yeah. -Can we have your cell phone or do we--?

Just through the app is fine.

-Just thank you. -Thank you.

I feel like I'm committed to doing some of the things

-that he said, and just-- -So insightful.

-Like, that's like real insights into us. -In real life.

And I feel like I am scared.

Exactly what he said, like I'm scared.

[approaching car horn]

[techno music]

You're my sister.

-Oh, God. -This is incredible.

You know, I really could have used you growing up.

really struggled with my American parents.

They were so poor. But at least if I had you, we could've struggled together.

What do you mean? Like how poor?

Oh God, you know how it is.

When I turned 12,

they couldn't even afford a training bra.

I had to cup my own breasts.

You cupped with your hands?

Yeah, with my hands everywhere I went.

What's your family like? Was your family poor like mine?

Uh, no, I mean, we were like comfortable.

Being adopted was so hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was tough.

Like, um... sometimes, like, we'd ride horses

and like the horses would just like not be in the mood.

Wait a minute. You owned horses?

-Well-- -Did you grow up in a house?

Yeah, like, um, like several houses.

-Sounds like you were rich. -Yeah.

My dad invented baby corn and then baby carrots,

any kind of tiny vegetable.

Yeah... Wait, what are you...?

You're my sister. What are you doing?

-I'm just so happy to see you. -[he laughs]

No, this is amazing. It's, it's, it's pretty crazy.

-It's crazy! -Yeah.

And now we can take care of each other.

You can, like, buy me a mansion

and give me a Lamborghini and, like, food and medicine.

Um, okay, well, I... let me just take a photo of you real fast.

I just want to take a photo of my sister.

[camera clicks]

-"Take care..." -Oh, yes.

"...of this woman.

Make it look like an accident."

[both laugh]

This is just all code for like, you know--

Code for like, give me money, give her money, give her money.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Honey, he's gonna kill you.

Can you turn around for a second?

-Thank you. -Oh, fuck.

-I'm sorry, I have to-- -[woman] My life's gonna change.

[driver] Whoa, whoa. Hey, where are you going?

-We're still moving! -Oh my God!

[man] Target on sight, fire when ready.

[techno music]

She's gonna be in our sight at all times. I quit working.

-What were you doing before? -I didn't even put in two weeks.

-Don't tell me you're doing an important job. -I was a cancer researcher.

-On the brink of figuring it out. -We were right there.

And you just stopped when you were on the brink of curing cancer just to have a baby?

What's more important than my baby?

Um, the cancer and eradicating it

so all humanity doesn't have to suffer from it.

I don't know anyone with cancer, not my business.

And eradicating it? There were no rats in there.

-Really? -Your vocabulary is disgusting

'cause you're misusing words left and right.

And you said you went to medical school.

I never said that. You said I was a doctor.

-I swear I heard him. -Where did you go to college?

-Tuskegee University. -That's an all-black...

[all laugh]