Original subtitles

[ Creepy music plays ]

♪♪

♪ Ghosts and goblins

♪ Coming for ya

♪♪

Alright, Porter. Why don't you go upstairs

and take your diarrhea medicine.

I'll call you when it's time for dinner.

-Hey. -Alright, Beef Boys.

It's mail time.

[ High-pitched ] ♪ And the frightening thing

Tim, mail's here.

Alright. Coming.

That's gonna be a hit.

Oh, looks like you got a package here, Ben Hur.

Oh, batteries for my butt plug and my dildos.

Did my, uh, Sticky-Picks come yet?

Sorry, man, not today.

Oh, look at this, a community flier.

"Attention Rimwood neighborhood, this Saturday, open your doors

for the first annual Open House Block Party."

Oh, that's awesome. We could set up some appetizers

and talk with the neighbors -- really get to know 'em.

[ Imitates buzzer ] I think that idea sucks.

You know what I think we should do?

Turn this joint into a smokin' haunted house.

Who's with me? -Alright.[ Applause ]

Go, baby, go. -All the way.

Can I talk to you for a second in private?

Ugh, fine.

What is it? [ Sighs ]

Tim, you know I'm terrified of haunted houses.

Even as a kid, I had a spook problem.

Boys would come up and say, "Boo!"

and I would scream and cry, and they'd say,

"Oh, look at that big, fat pussy.

You can even handle a boo."

Eric, you got to get over these fears.

Anyway, I'm thinking about keeping the spook levels

on this haunted house down to a five.

Any chance we could go down to four?

I got to keep it at five, but here's my counter offer.

Youmake your world-famous crab dip

as a treat for anybody that makes it through

our Beef House of Horrors.

Everyone does love my crab dip,

and it would kinda take the edges off

this spooky haunted house.Hey, Ron! Good news.

We're turning the Beef house into a haunted house.

Wouldn't be too hard to put up some cobwebs,

a couple Goddamn spiders,

a couple of bats, some shit like that?

We'll hook this place up.

I was supposed to say, "spook this place up."

♪ Beef House

♪♪

♪ Beef House [Beef House]

♪ Beef

Hey, babe.

I'm not sure if the Rimwood Open House Block Party

is on your radar, but I just came

from a pretty cool strategy sesh downstairs,

just the Beef boys, and Tim imagineered the concept

of a haunted house through the living room.

Uh, it's not gonna be too scary, so don't worry,

but we're probably gonna have to block the entrances

to the stairs for about three weeks.

The big takeaway was Tim gave me the green light

to make my world-famous crab dip.

It's gonna be a wonderful block party.

Um, hello? Earth to Megan. [ Exhales sharply ]

You've got to be kidding me.

You can see that I am deep in research

for tomorrow's double homicide case,

and you are interrupting me about stupid crab dip!

It's not stupid crab dip, Megan. The Beef Boys love it.

Get this through your thick skull.

[ Sighs ] I am working and paying bills for you

and those dumbasses to play dress-up.

Just get out of here, leave me alone, please.

Fine, I'll go get Tim his pills and milk.

At least heneeds me.

Thank God for Tim.

Go.

Beef.

Alright. Looking good.

Hey, you know what'll kick this shit up a notch?

A big-old bucket of blood --

smear that shit all over the place.

Well, wait a minute, now, Ron. I'd made a promise to Eric

that we wouldn't make this haunted house too spooky.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

How about...

a little bit of blood?

You got a deal.Alright. Alright.

I know it'll take a Goddamn cup.

103, 104, 105, 106, darn it.

That's just not enough jumbo lump crab.

Yo, Eric, I need some corn syrup and some red dye.

You got any of that shit?Yeah, check up in the cupboard.

Alrighty.While you're up there,

do you see any other cans of jumbo lump crab?

Hmm, no crab,

but, you know,

when your mom lived here,

before the suicide,

she kept a ton of that lump crab meat down in the cellar.

She was always prepared, wasn't she?

Yeah, I just wish we had been prepared for her

to take her own life, man.

Why did she do it?I don't know, man.

At least you still got the Beef Boys. [ Sighs ] You're right.

Hey, love you, man.Love you, too, so much.

We're here for you if you need us, okay?Thanks. Thank you, buddy.

Need any help with your crab dip?[ Gasps ]

Tennessee, you scared the shit outta me.

Hey, can you check in the basement, see if we have any more

of this jumbo lump crab?Okay.

[ Creepy music plays ]

There's a presence below.

I can't tell if it is lump crab meat

or something more ominous.

I will go there now.Thanks, buddy.

There's the crab.

Hmm, what's this?

♪♪

A specter.

A real ghost in the Beef House basement.

Get back in here, specter.

I have a job for you.

I'm gonna kick this haunted house up a notch.

Come on, you got to be kidding me.

Hey, what the hell you doing with that little bit of mayonnaise?

Check out this new mayonnaise dispenser

I installed in the fridge. -Really?

Just filled the Goddamn tank this morning.

That's a lot of tube.

Alright. This is gonna help, Ron, thank you.

Alright. Here she comes.

Wow, that's some fresh mayonnaise.I'm here to tell you.

We got about 25 gallons of that mayonnaise

sitting in the Goddamn fridge right now.

We can use that for sandwiches later in the week.

Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ron, come on! We're making a mess.Sorry about that.

I got to adjust the pressure settings on this bitch.

Beef.

Tim: Alright. It's looking good in here.

I think we're holding at a spook level of five,

just like I promised Eric.

To tell you the truth, I'm worried about Boro.

I'm worried he's gonna get the shit spooked out of him

and splatter all over the place, thus ruining my hard work.

Hey, hey, he's got night diarrhea.

So be sensitive to that, Ron. Okay?

I'll make sure he sits on the potty and empties himself out

before he goes in this dang haunted house.

Beef.

Looks good.

[ Snorts ] Smells good.

Hey, Eric. What do you think? Ah!

Wow, pretty cool. I didn't know we were all dressing up, though.

Yeah, I'm going as the rock star emoji.

What are you gonna to go as? A big, fat pussy?

Oh, wait, you're already in costume.

Hey, sorry about that.

It was over the line.It's alright.

Crab dip looks pretty good.Oh, thank you so much.

I haven't quite taste tested it yet

'cause I don't want to waste a bite.

Hey, speaking of taste test, the haunted house is ready

if you want to take that for a spin.

Whoa.[ Chuckles ] You like that?

Yeah, it's pretty spooky, man.

Check this shit out.[ Remote blips ]

[ Garbled singing ]Oh, cool. Did you make that?

Yeah, it's a little Robbie Zombie-inspired stuff

I cooked up. Very cool.

Anyway, I got the spook levels right around five,

but honestly, I think it's more like four.Ah.

So you're gonna be just fine.I appreciate you toning it down for me.

Okay, here I go.Go for it, buddy. You got this.

[ As Dracula ] Good evening, sir. Hello.

Welcome to the Beef House of Horror.

Here I go.[ Rock music continues ]

Wow, pretty cool.

Boo!

Oh, hey, Lana.Hey, Eric.

Wow. I'm sexy cat.

Would you like some eyeballs?

Eyeballs? [ Chuckles ]

Pretty good, Ben.

Wow, this place isn't that scary.

[ Evil laughter ]

This is pretty adorable -- a nice little graveyard.

Hey, Tenny.

Do you dare meet the light before you?

Sure, why not?

Whoa. What's that?

-Oh, Eric. -Is that you, Mom?

Oh, your mom is the specter.

I've been released. I am now free.

[ Evil laughter ]Oh, my God, Mom.

I have so many questions for you.

Why'd you take your own life?Well, can you blame me?

I mean, how would you feel

if -- if you raised a jobless, childless idiot?

Now I got to find a body that I can enter.

Ah, get me out of here!

[ Screaming ]

Haunted house canceled!

What happened?

Hey, hey. Calm down.

What the hell happened in there?

Tennessee summoned my dead mom,

and she told me that I was responsible for her suicide.

Tennessee, W-T-F, dude?!

What? I thought you wanted it scary.

Shit.

Flew too close to the sun.

I gotta admit, Eric, this crab dip is hella good.

Thank you, man. I just wish the whole neighborhood

could've had a bite of my world-famous crab.

So where do you think that ghost went anyway?

Ron, could we please not talk about that right now?

Got a little bit of a tang to it, though, doesn't it?

Sort of in the back of the throat?

This damn crab is rotten.

That can't be the case, Ron. This is cannedcrab.

It should last for 100 years.

Maybe it's your mayonnaise tube, Ron. You ever think of that?

Hey, that's not the same tube that you used in the hot tub, is it?

Only got one damn tube.

I saw all of this take place in my mind.

That's why Tennessee don't dip.

[ Sighs heavily ]Are you okay?

Just had a weird day. [ Sighs ]

Now I have a sour stomach because of a tube mix-up.

It's okay.

I'm here for you.

You are? Well, I love you...

[voice altering] and care for you and cherish you

and will always take care of you.

[ Laughing ]

Mom, are you inside my wife?

[ Distorted ] Hello, son.

[ Laughing ] [ Screaming ]

Tim, we have a real ghost!

[ Screaming ]

[ Echoing laughter ]

♪ Ghosts and goblins coming for ya ♪

♪ [ Shouting ] Nooooooo

♪ And the frightening thing