Original subtitles

All right, losers. The game is five alive.

Deuces and twos are wild.

-Whoo-hoo! -Good luck, everybody,

and don't forget this is strip poker,

so get ready to show me the good stuff.

I better win, or y'all going to see

the tip of my pepper.

I wouldn't mind seeing that pepper.

Y'all going to see my nipples soon enough.

Ever since you guys became my neighbors,

I can't wait for these game nights.

Oh, well, we can't wait to see

what you got under that pink sweatshirt!

-Whoo! -[ Barking ]

Nothing beats game night at the Beef House.

Everybody show!

[ Laughs ]

Ben, you owe me some gold.

-Drop down. -Take it off, Ben Hur.

Show me those Serbian titties.

Yes!

-He shoots. He scores. -That is hot, Tim.

Yay! All right!

Let's get another one going.

-Oh! -Double or nothing.

Hey, hey, uh, how about another beer, bartender?

[ Chuckles ] Very funny.

Hey, um, glad you guys are having such a great time,

and, Tim, I love that gold blouse,

but it's time to wrap it up because I got to go to bed.

But why? You don't have a job.

Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants.

I, in fact, do have a job.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?

-You've got a job? -You're bullshitting.

Yes, I do have a job.

Tomorrow morning, I start as a big-boy bus driver.

Wait a minute, you're going to be a big-boy bus driver?

That's right. Tomorrow is my first day,

so I need a solid 8 hours of sleep, okay, everyone?

All right, Mr. big-boy bus driver.

We'll keep it down. We'll be quiet as church mice.

Thanks, buddy. 2, 3, 4...

* The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round *

* 'Round and 'round, 'round and 'round * Whoo! Hey!

* The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round *

-Hey! -* All through the town

Good night, Mr. big-boy bus driver.

Good night!

* Beef House

**

* Beef House * Beef House

* Beef

Honey, I know you're sleeping, but I just want to tell you

I love you, and I really respect our marriage,

and that's why I have a surprise for you.

I got a job as a big-boy bus driver,

and I start in the morning,

and I hope you'll be proud of me.

I love you. [ Smooches ]

Okay. Time for my solid 8 hours of sleep.

[ Indistinct conversation, cheering ]

**

Tim: There we go. Pass it over!

-Give it up. -Pass it over.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Shh! -There we go.

I'm trying to sleep!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

* The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round *

* 'Round and 'round, 'round and 'round * Whee-hee! Whoo-hoo!

[ Distorted ] * The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round *

* All through the town [ Heart beating rapidly ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, there he is, my big-boy bus driver.

-How you feeling this morning? -Not too hot.

You guys kept me up all night.

I got that stupid song still in my head.

Have no fear, my big-boy bus commandeer.

Ron just brewed up a fresh pot of joe,

and I got some for you.

All you got to do is guzzle down that rocket fuel,

and you will be on autopilot all day long, my friend.

-It's a little hot. -It's strong too, yeah. Thanks.

All right. Good luck. Get out there.

You're going to do great. Give me a kiss.

All right. Go get them, big-boy bus driver!

Here we go. * The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round *

* 'Round and 'round, 'round and 'round *

Hey, Boro. If you hurry up, you can catch Eric.

He'll give you a ride to school today.

I'm not going to school. I couldn't sleep.

I had very bad night diarrhea.

I need to go get some wet paper towels.

This new brand of decaf tastes just as good as the real shit.

And it don't even give me the jitters.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Decaf?!

Shit.

Beef.

[ Eric thuds ]

Oh!

Oh. What's going on?

Nothing. Everything is fine.

What time is it? I thought you were driving the bus all day.

I'm just going to go nap.

Holy shit. I'm on my way. [ Sighs ]

Now what?

Oh. City bus accident.

Lots of people dead.

The bus drove right off a bridge.

Everyone but the bus driver drowned in the lake.

It's horrible. Got to go.

But just...

[ Door opens ]

O to the M to the F to the G!

**

[ Knocks on door ]

I'm busy!

Eric, I'm coming in, okay?

Now, I know something is up.

All right? I'm not stupid. I can figure things out.

You come home all dirty, and then I found out what's --

[ Bone crunches ] Ow!

Oh, whoa, whoa!

It's my leg. It's my leg.

I'm going to take a look, okay?

-Aah! -Oh, my God!

The bone is poking out of my skin!

Here's what we're going to do. Does that hurt?

Aah!

Does it hurt when I touch the bone? Aah!

Is that a yes? Yes!

Okay, it's a bad break,

but good news is, it's a clean break.

So I'm going to count to 3. I'm going to set that bone.

You're going to feel a lot better. Okay?

Okay. Good. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Three, two, one!

[ Bone crunches ] Aah!

Oh. That actually feels better.

How'd you know how to do that?

I don't know. Ever since I got this Ben Hur power shirt,

I've been able to do just about anything I want.

It's got, like, superpowers or something.

It's a powerful blouse. All right, Eric.

You tell me right now what the hell happened.

One second I was driving the big-boy bus,

and I was slamming that rocket fuel,

and the next minute I know, I'm at the bottom of the lake.

Decaf, shit.

Tim, Megan's gonna find out.

I'm going to go to jail. What am I going to do?!

Hey, hey, the Beef Boys are going to figure out

how to get you out of this jam.

**

-Beef. -It's been a tragic day.

Everyone aboard a full city bus this morning has died.

Excuse me.

Okay, we have some breaking news.

We have a clip of the bus security cam

of the driver that we will play for you right now.

Ah, shit! I have not yet seen this video,

so this will be the first time I see the bus driver.

I can't look. Is it you?

[ Tires screech ]

[ Static ] Eric?

Oh, I'm going to jail for the rest of my life!

[ Bone crunches ] Aah!

This is very bad for our Beef House.

Yeah, Eric, I've got a confession to make.

That wasn't rocket fuel I gave you this morning.

It was a pot of Ron's bullshit decaf.

Don't be bad-mouthing my decaf, you asshole!

Your decaf is total shit. It caused mass murder.

You want to rock, Ben Hur?

Here, right now.

Hey, you don't be telling me about my decaf.

If you don't like it, you don't have to drink.

Nobody said you have to drink --

Hey! Wait a minute!

Everybody! Everybody, cool out!

Ben Hur, sit down.

The point is everybody in this room

is responsible for getting Eric into this trouble,

and now we've got to figure out a way to get him out.

Any ideas? I got nothing.

Come on, power shirt, give me some of that something-something.

**

That's it! I got it!

Eric, is that bus still at the bottom of that lake?

Last I saw. Ron, you still got that scuba suit?

You know damn well I do, dude. No, no, no, your hands are too big.

I need little hands.

That's it, Boro!

Ron, I need you and Boro to get down to the lake

with your scuba suit and get a scuba suit for Boro, too.

Where the hell am I going to get a little boy's scuba suit?

I don't give a shit! Just get it done!

Okay, I'll get down to the little boy's scuba suit emporium.

Great. I'll text you the plan on the way.

10-4.

Thanks, guys.

* Beeeeeeef

Do you have any idea how this looks for me

to be married to a psychopath killer

who flees a crime scene?!

* Ah, da, da, da, da, da

You don't have to answer that one.

What are you doing here, Tim?

I am Eric's new defense attorney.

Let me ask you a question, "detective."

What if my client here is totally innocent?

How do you even know it was him driving the bus?

All your eyewitness are at the bottom of a lake!

What the hell are you talking about?

We have video of him.

He broke his leg in the accident.

This is a cut-and-dry case. Hang on a second.

Yo, me and Boro are down here at the lake.

Ready to jump in and take care of that business,

but I've got to say, this lake is colder than witch's tit.

That's cool. That's what the wet suit is for, Ron.

Just get in!

Detective, is there a chance it was mechanical failure

or perhaps, uh, a brake line got cut somehow?

What if my client here should be regarded

as an American hero for going out there,

getting into the workforce to support his family,

and to show the woman he loves how much he loves her?

We haven't examined the bus yet,

so I suppose it's a possibility.

That's what I thought.

And I do appreciate the effort to get a job.

Thank you, hon.

Let me talk to my supervisor.

You do that.

[ Door closes ]

-That's it, Boro. -Do the cut, cut.

Good boy, hit the line. That's it.

Thank you, Ron. Thank you, Boro.

Hey, you know what? This might just work.

Hurry up, Tim. The press conference is about to start.

All right. Let's hope this works.

I am happy to announce that the murders

of 64 innocent bus riders

was not actually due to the bus driver's negligence,

but mechanical failure.

-Ah! -Yes!

We dredged the bus from the lake

and discovered a faulty brake line.

And the big-boy bus driver, Eric, is actually a hero.

I know if he could have,

he would have tried to save those people,

and I'm proud to call this man my husband.

-Aah! -Yay!

-We did it! -Now, that is how you do it.

Thank you guys so much for covering up my mass murder.

I appreciate it.

And, Ron, your operation was lit.

Hey, don't thank me.

Thank Boro's tiny little fingers.

It was scary to think I could have been on that bus.

Hey, you should just be grateful

for that damn night diarrhea this morning.

That shit saved your goddamn life, Boro.

Hey, let's not forget Ben Hur.

Ben, I just want to thank you for hooking me up

with this Serbian power shirt

that gave me this nutty idea to save Eric's ass,

and it helped me become a big-boy lawyer.

Okay.

Megan! Megan! Megan! Megan!

How's my hero holding up?

I'm doing okay. The morphine wore off,

so Ben Hur gave me some of his poppers,

so I'm feeling fine.

To be honest with you, it just feels wonderful

to be finally acknowledged as a hero.

Ah, I am so proud of you, and I just want to let you know

that you can take a break from looking for a job for a while.

-I've got us covered. -Thank you, honey.

And I think I'm going to let you watch TV with me tonight.

Ohh!

[ Laughter ]

Wait a minute.

Why are you guys wearing scuba suits?

I left something on the stove.

Be right back.

I can explain that, um, you see...

[ Panting ]

[ Loud splash ]

**

**

**