Original subtitles

Oh, Megan, this one's for you.

The blue symbolizes your carefree nature,

and the gold symbolizes our love,

the most purest of elements,

and the ruby scarlet -- the most important gem during Easter --

represents your Christian heart.

Eric, we're ready for the Easter party sneak peek fashion show.

Get out here.

Coming!

Alright.

Wow, you look incredible.Thanks, buddy.

That's nice.Take a seat.

Alright.Let's get the show started.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome down to the Beef House,

Mr. Ben Hur!

He's ready to kick some Easter ass.

Come on, boy. I can teach you a sexy lesson.

You've seen the Benny. Now, it's time for a little Tenny.

Tennessee Luke Fortenberry, get on down here!

You're beautiful, Tenny!

Check me out, Eric.

Now, it's time for the bunny with the money, Mr. Ron Austar.

[ Screaming laughter ]

Oh, my God!

I'm the Goddamn Easter Bunny, bitch.

Alright. So, so, give me your honest opinion.[ Whews ]

Uh, Tim...What do you think?

...this is your number-one Easter fashion show of all time.

[ Laughs ] Yes! You hear that, guys?

I hope you enjoyed my sexy karate.

You know how important this is to me, right?

Of course I do. And to Megan.

I mean, we got married on this very holiday.

I just want to let you know -- You're my best friend.

Yeah, and you're one of my best friends, too.

[ Doorbell rings ]Oh, let me get that.

Atten-hut! Brad?!

That's Corporal Brad to you, soldier.

[ Laughing ]You son of a bitch. Why didn't you tell me you were in town?

What a great surprise. Everybody,

I want to introduce you to my old Army buddy, Brad.

We used to serve together back in the war.

I love this guy more than anybody.

In fact, he'smy best friend.

What the hell's going on in here?

I can probably explain that. Hi, I'm Eric.

Uh, you just caught us in the middle

of the Easter fashion show.

We're getting ready for the big Easter egg hunt.

Bunch of dudes dressed all weird?

Hey, what is this? Some kind of Beef House?

[ Laughing ]

-Yes. -No, no, no,

it's not a Beef House. Believe me.

Sometimes, we call it a Beef House

but just as a joke, more of a derogatory term.

If it was a Beef House, it would suck.

Forget it.

I thought I recognized your voice.

Megan Dungerson?

Oh, my God.

There's some chemistry between those two.

No shit.

[ Exhaling sharply ]

-Oh, God. -What the hell's going on here?

-Hey, hey, hey. -Break it up, you two.

Brad and I, uh, were high school sweethearts.

Then he went off to war, and I thought he was killed.

You still look so fine, baby.

Well, this amazing person has decided to marry me,

and that's the situation now.

Technically, he's correct.

So, Brad, how long you planning on staying, huh?

Well, I -- [clears throat] I just got deployed,

and I was hoping I could post up here for a couple of months,

you know, if it wasn't an imposition.

Uh, no can do, Brad, no rooms available.

No problem. I can set my tent up in the living room,

and you won't even notice I'm here.Hey, that sounds great.

All in favor of Brad staying here

for as long as he wants, say, "Aye."

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!

It'd be an honor to have you in the Goddamn Beef Hou--

Oops, ah, I'm sorry. Our house.

Alright, Brad. Come on. Thank you.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

♪ Beef House

♪♪

♪ Beef House [Beef House]

♪ Beef

Brad: [ Plays reveille on bugle ]

Hell is that?

[ Bugle continuing ]

Move it. Move it. Move it. Move it. Move it. Move it.

Yes! Move it. Move it. Move it. Move it.

[ Laughs ] [ Indistinct ]

[ Brad and Tim laugh ]

Reminds me of the old days during the war

when you used to wake me up at the crack of dawn

with the beautiful sounds of the bugle.

What did you do to our living room? This place is a mess.

Well, I just wanted to bring back a little old-fashioned discipline

to these weak beef children here. [ Laughs ]

Brad, this is where the Easter egg hunt is every year.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Speaking of eggs, I've been meaning to ask you.

Why don't -- Why you and Megan have kids?

I mean, you got -- you got bad sperm, buddy?

[ Laughter ]That's a good one.

Eric has no sperm.

[ Laughter continues ]

You know what, Brad, my sperm and my wife's eggs

are none of your business.Oh, 10-4, gotcha, gotcha, right.

Alright, the Easter egg hunt is in two hours.

I need to hide the eggs, so you guys get back to bed.

Oh, you heard him, soldiers. Move out!

Move it![ Shouting indistinctly ] Move!

[ Hutting ]

Under the helmet...

Beef...

Welcome to the annual Easter egg hunt.

Yay... Yay...Yay... Yay...

You guys know the drill.

On three, you open your eyes,

pull out your egg telescopes, and you find those eggs.

Here we go. One, two, three, good luck!

Alright. Let's get this party started.

-Find those eggs. -Come on, now. Come on.

-Where are you? -I'm looking for you, sexy eggs.

You really hid these eggs well. I can't find one damn egg.

I swear I hid at least three dozen eggs in this Army mess.

This is the worst Easter egg hunt ever.

Damn, something sure smells good.

Oh, no, those are my eggs!

[ Screaming ] Brad, what are you doing?!

Atten-hut, you maggots! [ Laughs ]

It's chow time.You cooked all my fancy eggs

I was gonna use for the Easter hunt!

Enemies are for huntin'.

Eggs, they're for eatin'.

That's bullshit, Brad!

You ruined my eggs! You ruined my house!

Now, you're ruining Easter![ Shouting ] Hey!

What's the matter with you, huh?!

That's my best friend, Brad, you're talking to!

Now, we all like your Easter egg hunt,

we pretend it's a lot of fun,

but this guy has seen some real shit!

He just got out of the war! And I think it's very nice

that he made us eggs for Easter breakfast.

Tim, I made 'em like in the war. Yeah?

One pinch of tobacc-y...

Together: ...two shots of moonshine

and a little bit of that elbow grease.

Now let's eat some!Let's dig in. [ Laughs ]

Damn, hate to see all these beautiful eggs go to waste.

That's right. Well, eat up.

Chow down. Chow down.

Beef?

Megan, you forgot your badge.

What's the matter with you?It's just Brad.

I just hate his freaking guts.

He ruined my Easter egg hunt, and now he's living here,

and I just don't like it.

Sounds to me like you're making a big deal out of nothing.

I'll see you later.Uh, Megan...

badge.

Here you go. Hey...

what's that?What's what?

That big, red ring on your hand.

Oh, this?

It's nothing. Brad gave it to me.

What?!

It's his class ring.

We were talking and reminiscing about old times last night,

and he gave it to me. It's nothing.

You're my wife, and you're wearing another man's ring,

and that ring belongs to Brad.

I'll see you later.What is happening to my life?!

This is no way to celebrate the Lord rising from the dead!

Beef...

[ Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sniffs ]

Brad, what are you doing to Megan's panty drawer?

This is off-limits.That's --

That's fine. That's fine. It's fine?

Yeah, let's talk a little bit. Okay.

What have you been up to, Lieutenant?Oh, geez, you know.

Actually, I've been working on my music.What, like, uh, heavy metal,

like, uh, you used to play in basic training, like that?

Nah, a little more family-friendly,

a little more Beach Boys sort of "Kokomo" era

with a little Moby influence, of course, Robbie Zombie

just in the textures and tones of my music.Well, let me hear it, man. I think you're a genius.

You got something I can listen to?I've been working on this little surprise for Eric.

It's a sort of Easter song.Oh.

I just have the basic drums mapped out yet.[ Cellphone blips ]

[ Beat plays ]♪ Easter Bunny's coming

♪ Better get your basket ready for fun ♪

Then... ♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun

♪ [ Voice cracks ] Easter -- [ clears throat] Easter Bunny's coming ♪

♪ Better get your basket ready for fun ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Chocolate bunnies... You know. Uh...

[ Cellphone blips ]What the hell happened to you, man?

What do you mean?You went soft.

I am embarrassedto have been platoon brothers with you.

Sorry, Brad, I'm not living in the past like you,

and I'm sorry you don't like my song.No, I hate it!

Well, then maybe you should deploy out of here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Or no, I'm not going anywhere. Hmm?

I got myself a nice little situation right here,

and once I get Megan back, it's gonna be...

[shouting] my Beef House, my Beef Rules!

There's nothing you can do about it!

Damn, Beef House has been officially occupied

by enemy forces. We need to deploy

some evasive measures, quick.

Maybe we should give that Army boy

a taste of his own medicine.

[ Explosion, gunfire ][ Startling ]

[ Siren wailing ]The hell's going on?!

Brad, did you hear? They hit Camp Stewart!

There's 450,000 people dead! What?!

The Army's saying anybody in uniform's

gotta go down there and protect the forward base!I can't!

I can't! I can't!Yes, you can! [ Gruffly ] You made an oath!

You made an oath, you son of a bitch!I can't do it!

You better get down there right now! I can't!

Alright, Tim, the platoon is in position, in position.

It's go time. Ben Hur, move the digitals

four degrees starboard.Yes, sir. Get your shit together, man. Come on.

[ Whimpering ] Hold on.

Eric, it's working. It's working.

He's buying it, lock, stock, and barrel.

He's buying it all. Ron, I need

those Army sirens up. Jack 'em up.

My Bluetooth's crapping out, Sarge!

Private, you never deny a superior officer!

One more infraction, and I take you out to the brig.

Yes, sir!

You got to protect and serve. I'm scared to...

I don't give a shit!I'm scared to.

You walk your ass down there! Get down to -- [ Shouts ]

Brad's getting his ass outta here, sir!

That sexy bitch go AWOL.

[ Crying ] I can't. I'm not going down.

We're clear!

[ Cheering ]

You did it! Youdid it.

[ Laughs ] You guys rock!

[ Cheering continues ]

-We scared the shit out of him. -He cried like a pussy.

-Yeah! -[ Laughs ]

Hey, listen, I-I just want to apologize for my buddy, Brad.

He ruined your Easter egg hunt,

he nearly broke up your marriage...

He also talked a lot of shit about your music.

I know, and for me, that was crossing the line,

but the good news is,

I learned who my real best friend is. Really?

-Yeah, it's Ron. -No shit!

Psych, it's you![ Laughs ]

You son of a bitch.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

So did seeing Brad make you regret marrying me?

No, Eric.

Brad was good-looking

and very masculine,

and...abs,

but I made my choice, and I'm fine with it, okay?

Gotta get to work.Well, I do have a little present for you.

I managed to hide one of those eggs from Brad.

It's a sexual egg.

I bought it at Ben Hur's sex shop.

He knows the manager, and he says

it's the best motor in any sexual egg.

Wow, that's so sweet.

I love it.I read the instructions,

so I could help you out and get you --

I'll figure it out.

Do you mind? [ Chuckles ]

Oh, you want me to go? Yeah.

Okay, yeah, I have some chores I can do. Perfect.

Maybe, like, half an hour?I'll let you know.

Okay, I love you.Okay, bye, thank you.

♪♪

[ Hushed ] Wow...

♪ The Easter Bunny's coming

♪ Better get your basket ready for fun ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun

♪ Jelly beans and chocolate bunnies ♪

♪ Plastic eggs filled with money ♪

♪ Little yellow marshmallow

♪ Chickadees