Original subtitles

Fish.

Wondrous creatures of the sea.

Exciting to catch, delicious to eat.

Fish, tonight on a very special "At Home With Amy Sedaris."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fish -- a strange, cold-blooded and limbless creature

that thrives in the stuff we drown in,

a thing of nightmares,

but, when battered and panfried, scrumptious.

Growing up, we always had fish on Fridays.

I believe it had something to do with religion,

but the details are lost to boredom.

But the real takeaway from my childhood is,

"Fish equals Fridays,"

which is why the subtheme for tonight's episode is

"TGIF," or, "Thank God It's Fish Day."

Tonight we'll be having the merry time of our lives

by making a complete fish dinner

with all the trimmings.

Hello, guys or gals.

I don't pretend to know your fishy parts.

That's your business.

[ Laughing ] Oh! Whoa!

Joining me for dinner, I have some very special guests --

people you've all heard of -- businessmen.

Now, typically, I don't associate with businessmen.

I've never held a white-collar job, and I'm never going to.

But I accept that the world is run by businessmen and,

at some point, you'll probably find yourself

forced to entertain one.

So I got a line on a few of these business types

and invited them over.

I'm excited to say, they will be joining us later in the show.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Finding the right fish can be very confusing.

There are so many types of fish --

canned, sticked, plattered, gefilted.

So I'm going to introduce you to some of my favorites.

With the help of my local fishmonger

and part-time boyfriend,

Magnus here, I will teach you everything you need

to know about fish.

Good to see you this morning.

First up, the Arctic char.

There you go.

Now, this is the less-attractive cousin to the salmon.

Most people prefer salmon but will settle for char,

especially if it's the end of a night of heavy drinking

and all the salmon has been ordered

by the investment bankers.

The red snapper!

Now, you know it's the red snapper because it's red

as you can see here,

a workman-like fish known for its firm texture

and abundance of mercury.

Perfect if slowly poisoning a loved one is on the menu.

Next up is the porgy.

Now, this is perhaps the dumbest fish in the sea,

easily fooled by the most simple of lures.

So simple to catch, you can practically pull up to the pier

in an unmarked van, slide open the door,

and it'll jump right in -- a real dumb-dumb.

Next, the pollock.

Now, this is what I call the utility fish.

Mmm, look at that muscle on Magnus.

The versatile catch used for fake scallops,

imitation crabmeat, and real fish sticks.

Really nice. Mmm.

It's a tall one, baby.

Next up is the monkfish.

This homely drifter is known for its antisocial behavior

and lack of morals.

And finally, we have the fish we will be cooking today --

the river fish.

Now, the river fish is an every fish.

It's always a crowd-pleaser,

assuming the crowd likes river fish.

The river fish welcomes breading and embraces the frying pan.

But before we panfry our little friend, he'll need to be gutted.

Luckily, we know an expert on cleaning fish --

our friend Ruth, The Lady Who Lives in the Woods.

You handle them very nicely.

Woman: ♪ Deep in the forest, a lady lives ♪

♪ In a small house that is made of twigs ♪

♪ She's earthy and simple and must live plain ♪

♪ And what you don't know, she will try to explain ♪

♪ She bathes in a creek, and she sleeps on a cot ♪

♪ Feasting on mushrooms and apricots ♪

♪ Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug ♪

♪ Her friends are a raccoon and a slimy spring slug ♪

♪ She's The Lady Who Lives in the Woods ♪

♪♪

Oh, hello.

You're just in time to help me clean fish.

Welcome to the lodge.

This is Artemis, our parrot.

Awk!

Here's a basket of fresh river fish

that I caught earlier with my friend Esther,

down at the Chinchiwa Creek, a favorite spot of ours.

We were going to make a weekend out of it,

camping and building fires,

but we got a late start because Esther overslept.

So we didn't get to do all the things we had planned.

But sometimes life is that way --

lazy and full of unkept promises.

Point is, Esther, she'd sleep the day away if I let her,

and I'm not gonna let her,

especially when we had an agreed-upon departure time.

But we can't dwell in the past,

even if it was just this morning.

Artemis: Awk!

And look at these little beauties.

I've been a little hard on Esther, but we did bring home

just a lovely basket of fish.

Didn't we, Esther?

Isn't it nice to see a basket of fish?

Aside from her occasional tardiness,

one couldn't hope for a better fishing partner than Esther.

The first thing we do when cleaning a fish

is to have a go at these rough scales.

When you scale a fish,

it's important to make sure it stays moist.

Okay, I'm struggling here because the fish dried out

as they were transported in a basket.

And why were they transported in a basket?

Because I assumed we'd be coming home straightaway.

But Esther had other plans.

Remember, Esther, we had to pull off the road

so you could do a charcoal drawing

of that field of thistle?

Point is, we now have a basket of dry river fish on our hands.

Let's just move on to gutting.

Grip your fish.

Remove the head by cutting above the gill.

Or in the case of dried-out fish, just snap the head off.

And then insert the fillet knife into the anus,

drawing the knife toward the head,

splitting the fish to the base of the gills.

Rip open the abdominal cavity with your fingers,

and remove the guts.

Now, most people quickly dispose of the fish innards.

I like to sauté them and feed them to our cats,

Hodge and Podge. [ Meowing ]

Oh, our cats are circling.

They know a treat is coming.

Now, I say "our" cats, but who does all the feeding,

litter scooping, and neutering?

Do you know the answer to that one, Esther?

[ Car door slams ]

[ Car engine starts ]

Thanks for spending some time with us here in the lodge.

I hope you learned some handy tips on cleaning a fish.

But at the least, I hope you took away some good vibes.

What do you have to say, Artemis?

Awk!

I couldn't agree more.

Woman: ♪ She's the lady who lives in the woods ♪

Thank you, Ruth.

I've got the skillets heating up and the fish lying down.

When we return, a "TGIF" Friday fish fry.

I have a very simple preparation for frying fish --

a light dusting of flour, a little salt and pepper,

and into a hot skillet coated with olive oil.

This recipe also works for chicken,

known as the fish of the ground.

Now, these fillets are a little big for a single portion,

so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut them in half.

Okay?

Here we go.

Oh!

A dull knife -- a cook's worst enemy.

A dull knife? What am I gonna do?

[ Bell ringing ]

Oh, Knife Man?

Knife Man!

[ Bell ringing ]

Tony Pugnalata at your service.

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Well, Tony, what do you think about this?

Let's see. What do you need it for?

Well, to cut things.

Oh, gosh, no, that needs to be sharpened,

but it's still excellent for stabbing.

Oh.

Well, I don't have much need for stabbing.

Spend a few nights at a men's shelter.

You'll get real good at it.

I would like to introduce you to Vincent.

Oh, you name your knives?

They name themselves.

Okay.

Well, how do you sharpen a knife?

Excellent question, Amy.

There are a lot of schools of thought on this.

Some people prefer a, uh, oil hone or a dry hone.

What I like is a Japanese water stone.

And when it comes to sharp blades,

the Japanese really know of which they speak.

Just ask any of our boys who survived the Bataan Death March.

Oh, well... Mm-hmm.

What I do is start out with a heavier grit.

And what we like to do now is we switch over to a finer grit

and remove some of the burrs that may have developed.

That sounds nice. I like that.

Well, it feels real nice, too.

You almost went into a trance, there, Tony.

Yeah, it really is soothing.

It takes a lot of time...

Uh-huh. ...but knives are patient,

unless they're provoked.

Oh, gosh, you're so knowledgeable.

Where did you get your expertise about knives?

I thank you so much for asking, Amy.

When I was younger,

I watched my father slash my mother to death,

and so now my feelings about sex are --

are all jumbled up with thoughts of violence.

Okay, well, thank you, Tony.

Thank you. What do you have coming up next?

Oh, gosh, just gonna push my heavy cart up the hill

and fend for my life in the streets.

Oh, my. Well, let me know

how it turns out. Can do.

Tony Pugnalata, everybody.

Ta-ta!

Oh, my, look at the time!

My businessmen will be here soon, and we didn't even address

the most important part of a fish dinner --

making lamb chops.

As it turns out, a lot of people don't like fish,

so it's very important to always have an option.

But look what I have on hand.

Now, Smokey, if you can get a beauty shot

of these remarkable lamb chops.

Those river fish will really have their work cut out

for them, vying for the main course.

You know what?

These chops look so spectacular,

I think we're gonna have to prepare them

in a very special way.

Let's go see my next-door neighbor and friend

Patty Hogg, coming to us from her country club.

Patty: Hello, Frank, Lou!

Careful on that 18th green.

It's slick today.

Now, am I coming through?

Is this remote?

Oh, okay.

I'm standing here on the 18th hole

of my beloved Divot Hills Country Club,

the most prestigious country club

in the Research Triangle area.

And what we're gonna be doing is we're gonna be

grilling up these gorgeous lamb chops.

Look at these pink cuts.

They're just perfect, like little baby feet.

Oh, keep your head down.

Left arm straight.

Oh! Right into the sand trap.

Man: Damn it! Boo-hoo!

You better pull out your niblick!

I've said too much, I've said too much.

So, the first thing we're gonna do is we're gonna line

the bottom of the grill with foil

before cooking, which makes cleanup a breeze.

Next thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna add my charcoal.

Now, the Grilling Council suggests 18 to 20 briquettes.

Whoopsy, one too many.

Now, before heating up your charcoal,

remember to pile them into a teepee shape similar

to what you place around your pole beans.

Now what you're gonna do is you're gonna light your fire.

Oh, look at those flames!

Look at those peaks!

Oh! Now, how do you know

when your charcoal's ready?

I like to wait until the charcoal briquettes

are country-mouse gray before placing any food on the grill.

Now, you're gonna spread your charcoal

evenly over the cooking area.

Fore! What's that? Oh.

Now you're gonna place the rack on top like this.

Now I'm all ready for the chops.

Now, I always adhere to the recommendations

of the Searing Association and space

my chops about one inch apart from each other,

or roughly two tough knuckles.

Oh.

Ew.

Ew! Ew!

Okay, now,

when dressing your lamb chops,

I use a simple marinade of olive oil, rosemary,

and salt and pepper.

And we're just gonna brush these on top like so.

There you go. You can flip them

and do the other side.

You never want to over-marinate.

Oh, I spoke too soon.

I have over-marinated.

Let's get this baby.

No problem.

Just like new.

Oh! Look at that sizzle.

So, there you have it -- lamb chops on the grill.

I'll see you on the 19th hole.

Max, hold up.

How are the greens today?

[ Laughing ] Oh, hello.

I was just pulling this out of my closet.

Earlier, I promised to teach you how to pull together

a nautical-themed decor that will really push

your fish dinner over the overboard.

And now I'm gonna deliver in the form of potato ships.

Welcome to "Crafting Corner."

Woman: ♪ Beads and bling and glitter and string ♪

♪ Glue and sew and buttons and bows ♪

Potato ships are the perfect seafaring edible craft

and so simple to make.

And to prove it, I've taped fake fingernails to my fingers.

See? Aren't they beautiful?

All you need is tape...

and fake fingernails.

Okay, for this craft, you will need baked potato,

skewer, cheese singles,

mushroom button caps, construction paper,

and a little bit of glue.

So, now what we're gonna do

is you put the potato in front of you.

Now, if you have an apartment or a house or something,

and it's really hot and you don't want to turn your oven on,

you can go to your local diner

and they will sell you a potato to go.

And you're going to put an incision this way,

and then you're going to push the ends towards each other,

north to south, not east to west -- this way.

Now you can put anything on your baked potato.

I'm gonna put a little dab of sour cream.

You could also use mayonnaise.

Okay, just a little bit.

All right? Put that aside.

Okay, next, we're gonna make the sail,

which is gonna allow this to set sail.

So, you're gonna take a skewer.

Now, you want to make sure that you do the flat side up,

'cause this piercing part is gonna

actually go into the baked potato.

You don't want to hurt anybody.

So, I have precut some construction paper here,

like a flag -- two-sided flag.

Okey dokey. All right.

This is where nails come in handy.

See? Did you see that?

I simply separated the pieces by using that nail.

If you have short nails, I wouldn't recommend this craft.

Okay, now, what you're gonna do is you're gonna take the skewer,

right there, put it in the crease,

and you're gonna leave a little bit of top

for something special later.

Okay?

And you're gonna apply some glue.

Okay? Going to glue it down.

Okay?

Oops. A little dried out.

No problem.

Okay, squeeze.

A little dab will do it.

Hmm.

Oh, my goodness. [ Laughs ]

Just...

All righty.

Okay, wood glue is good.

You can use wood glue, for sure.

You can use any glue, really.

All right, joke's over.

Okay, just apply a little bit of glue.

Dab, right there.

Okay, perfect.

Oh, okay.

That might be a little bit too much, but we can make this work.

So, you're gonna pull it up.

You're gonna fold it over.

There you go.

Now, I know that seems like a lot of glue,

but glue dries clear.

This actually works in my favor, because what I want to do

is I want to make this look like it's blowing in the wind.

And then what you're gonna do is add some cheese

to it to make the sail.

You take it off the paper.

Now, you can use these later.

This is a great way to get off makeup.

Um, now, Smokey, if you can just get a close-up of this.

Gonna pierce here and bring it back under like so.

Choof.

Cheese will work with you if you let it.

Now, the fun part is, and the reason

you want to use the nails,

is we're gonna create...

First of all, take your nail, pluck it down like a sandpiper

pulling up something on the beach,

take a mushroom cap...

to create the crow's nest.

How adorable is that?

Insert it into your potato.

This is a great party favor.

There you go -- edible potato ships.

[ Foghorn blowing ]

This is a table that is ready to set sail.

On the bow, we have a captain's-wheel-size platter

of fried yellow perch.

On the stern, our succulent lamb chops.

Over on the port side, a whale of a bowl of our seamen's

special coleslaw

and award-winning hush puppies.

After that, we have a tuna tower of cold boiled shrimp.

On the other bow, we have my adorable potato ships.

And the table is anchored by a conch shell

and a beachcomber's hat.

All that is missing is a sunset.

Wait a minute.

Breathtaking.

You know something?

I forgot to mention, a fish dinner won't be complete

unless you follow it up with a perfect dessert,

which is why I made a batch

of my famous maple-caramel brownies

with real maple syrup.

And I must confess, I didn't use just any maple syrup.

I used Von Mueller's.

Taste the history.

What do you think of my pancakes?

I think they're delicious...

now. "Now"?

What does that mean?

Honey, I have a confession to make.

I switched syrups.

What was wrong with our old syrup?

Wasn't Von Mueller's.

Von Mueller's?

Von Mueller's uses old German trees.

They've been crafting syrup for over 140 years.

And you know what?

You can taste it.

Von Mueller's?

Wasn't that Hitler's syrup?

Yeah, uh, Hitler did use it, but so did lots of Germans.

It's been a Bavarian family tradition for generations.

Hmm. What about Himmler?

Look, no one is denying that it was the official syrup

of the Third Reich, but consider this.

Nazis -- right?

-- they could have any syrup they wanted.

What did they use?

Von Mueller's.

Yeah.

I guess so. Right.

So let's just focus on the happier aspects

of Von Mueller's history,

like their longstanding tradition of crafting

a deep, dark, amber syrup.

So let the rest go and enjoy our pancakes, shall we?

But didn't they find Von Mueller's syrup in canisters

in Hitler's bunker?

It was an established syrup company

long before the Nazis took power.

I mean, did Hitler like it on his pancakes?

Yes!

Did Von Mueller's also make munitions?

Absolutely!

But that doesn't make it Hitler's syrup!

Chorus: ♪ Von Mueller's -- not just Hitler's syrup ♪

♪ The Kaiser loved it, too ♪

Von Mueller's -- you know it's pure because it's Von Mueller's.

[ Doorbell rings ] Oh!

That must be my business-mateys now!

Hi! Please come in.

Thank you. Yeah.

Thanks for coming. Hmm.

There you go.

Gosh. There you go.

Welcome to my home.

Yeah. Please.

Okay, have a seat.

I like your suits.

Oh. Nice.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I should start by saying, um, tonight's cocktail

is called a Salty Scallywag.

It's a combination of gin, pickle juice, a splash of sodey,

and a salted rim, garnished with a shrimp tail.

Here's to my Friday fish fry.

There you go.

Okay, for those of you who aren't fond of fish,

I also have lamb chops.

Which would you prefer? Uh, lamb chop.

Lamb chop. Lamb chop.

Oh, okay, hmm.

All right.

So, I understand you work in a very tall office building

in the Research Triangle Park.

Mm-hmm. Tell me, uh,

what kind of business things do you do?

Hedge funds.

Oh, okay, well, tell me about that.

Well, we manage fairly aggressive portfolios

that use advanced investment strategies

to leverage derivative positions

in both domestic and international markets.

Oh, so, that's what businessmen do.

Okay.

Uh, can I freshen up your scallywags?

No. No.

Okay, well, maybe we can talk about something other than work.

What's your life like when you're not working?

Uh...

I recently went on a date.

Oh, well, that sounds universal and humanizing.

Tell me about your date.

All righty.

Uh, well, I decided I would, uh,

see this little chippie on the side,

you know, just a couple of nights a week, right?

Is it Delores in Accounting?

No, no, that was last summer.

No, it was that scrappy little redhead receptionist on 11.

You dirty son of a bitch.

Thank you.

So, uh, anyway, we're having a couple of drinks

the other night over at Hang Chow's Mandarin House

just to, you know, prime the pump.

You dirty son of a bitch.

Thank you.

So, uh, I'm pretty well-lubed and she's good to go,

so I ask for the check and I tell

Red it's time to skedaddle, right?

So she excuses herself to, uh, freshen up.

They love to freshen up.

Oh, right you are.

So, I'm about to pay the bill,

when guess who waddles in to Hang's?

Who?

That fat busybody from Edith's book club.

Book-club ladies. Right?

She's out with a couple of the gals,

and she's sticking her bulbous nose into my business.

What did you do next? Well, what could I do?

I mean, and I exchanged a couple of pleasantries,

said I just finished a business meeting,

and I got the Sam Hell out of there.

But all the while, Red is in the ladies' crapper,

slapping on rouge for a night that's never gonna happen.

Oh, you dirty son of a bitch!

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Anyway, it took me two weeks to butter her up again.

Amy: Oh, wow, there you have it.

Hmm. Mmm.

Um...

guess what? We're out of time.

I'd like to thank my guests, my three businessmen --

Mr. Olgilvey, Mr. Handley, and Mr. Stieger.

Please, Mr. Olgilvey was my father's name.

You can call me Daddy.

Oh. What about dessert?

No, we really are out of time.

Oh, we'll make it quick.

Put a little powdered sugar on that rump of yours,

we'll all have sweet buns.

Oh... Oh, you dirty son of a bitch!

Thank you. We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

Well, guess who's allergic to shellfish?

I'm gonna let you in on a great entertainer's tip.

After every affair, record all the hits

and misses of the evening

in your party log --

you know, what went well, what didn't --

so the next time, you don't make the same mistake.

Let's see.

"Hits -- businessmen love meat.

Misses -- businessmen aren't big on small talk,

hush puppies were a little dry,

and never garnish with shrimp or shellfish when allergic."

That's odd.

I don't even remember coming in contact with shellfish.

Hmm.

[ Harp music plays ]

Hmm.

What else?

Well, overall, I would say the party was a success.

Oh, yeah, scented candles for the bathroom --

a must.

See you next time, when we take a closer look at eggs.

Eggs sometimes get a bad rap.

But you know what I say?

Give them a break.

Good night.

All right, there, sweet cheeks, start your engines.

You dirty son of a bitch.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggling ]

Oh!