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1
00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:04,191
Why do I seem annoyed?
2
00:00:04,259 --> 00:00:07,761
Let's see... Instead of savoring
this espresso, this cigarette,
3
00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:10,130
and the exactly four minutes
of free time I have today,
4
00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:12,299
I'm talking to you cockwits.
5
00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,300
What else?
6
00:00:13,368 --> 00:00:16,248
Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating
for a bunch of diplomats from the
7
00:00:16,304 --> 00:00:18,071
State Department and Albania.
8
00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:21,141
So not only do I have to create a
meal out of yogurt and a goddamn
9
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,510
sheep's head, apparently there's
been some vague security
10
00:00:23,577 --> 00:00:27,247
threat, so my highly-trained staff...
has been infiltrated!
11
00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,383
- Sorry...
- By Shithead Squadron.
12
00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:33,186
Just need to grab some menus, for--
the camera, why is there a camera?
13
00:00:33,254 --> 00:00:35,989
I assume because this restaurant
can't hold three million viewers?
14
00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:36,924
Two-point-eight.
15
00:00:36,991 --> 00:00:38,725
Because it's
not promoted properly!
16
00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:40,227
This is gonna be televised?!
17
00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:41,995
Yeah, the
show's called Bastard Chef?
18
00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,064
Mm. Scuse me.
19
00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:45,632
Thank you, giraffe-lady!
20
00:00:45,699 --> 00:00:49,436
Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing
security, and for some inexplicable reason
21
00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,839
they have to do that undercover, so-
22
00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:05,852
Whoops.
23
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,655
That's probably
why I seem annoyed.
24
00:01:08,722 --> 00:01:10,590
Let's go Chet, c'mon, chop chop.
25
00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,093
You're the one who dropped
it, why do I have to clean it up?
26
00:01:13,161 --> 00:01:16,796
Because you're the gar�on de
cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas
27
00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,700
I am the sous chef, which means shut
your face and mop up the damn yogurt.
28
00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:22,169
And why do you
get to be sous chef?
29
00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,938
Because I have
fine dining experience!
30
00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,239
I used to own a restaurant.
31
00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,607
It was a burger joint!
32
00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:28,241
Cyril?
33
00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:29,609
I mean Chet?
34
00:01:29,677 --> 00:01:30,610
Archer?
35
00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:31,378
She means Randy.
36
00:01:31,446 --> 00:01:32,479
Can I borrow you?
37
00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:34,681
Sure, Mitzi.
38
00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:36,483
My name is not Mitzi.
39
00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:37,050
Walk-in.
40
00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:37,851
Now.
41
00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,586
Yeah, I got time for a quickie.
42
00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:40,620
Wait, a what?
43
00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:41,888
Arch -- Randy!
44
00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:44,391
Whoaaa, whoaaa... ungh!
45
00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,926
You guys can edit that out, right?
46
00:01:46,995 --> 00:01:47,760
Yes.
47
00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,729
But we won't.
48
00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:53,766
So, quick question, do you think
it's a good idea to be talking to a
49
00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:54,468
TV crew when we're undercover?
50
00:01:54,535 --> 00:01:58,938
Fake names, duh, follow-up question,
do you know how TV actually works?
51
00:01:59,007 --> 00:01:59,725
I --
52
00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,845
They're not gonna broadcast
this episode in this restaurant tonight!
53
00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:03,643
Wait, are you guys?
54
00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:06,279
No, we --
Like a closed-circuit deal, or...?
55
00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,047
No.
56
00:02:07,115 --> 00:02:10,283
Because come to think of it, I
don't know how TV actually works either.
57
00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:11,472
How about geopolitics?
58
00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:14,021
- Eh...
- Because if anything goes wrong tonight,
59
00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:17,690
US-Albanian relations could
become even more unstable, so --
60
00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:18,691
What the shit?!
61
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,428
Speaking of unstable --
that guy is a powder keg.
62
00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:26,033
Why is there yogurt frickin'
soup all over my spotless frickin' kitchen?!
63
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,566
Randy did it.
64
00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:31,104
Whoa whoa, first of all, no I didn't,
and second, these bowls are the worst!
65
00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,083
Look, they're
like, totally slipper--
66
00:03:08,872 --> 00:03:19,006
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
67
00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:22,596
Seize, please hold.
68
00:03:22,664 --> 00:03:23,797
Seize, please hold.
69
00:03:23,865 --> 00:03:25,232
Seizepleasehold seizepleasehold!
70
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:25,940
seizepleasehold!
71
00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:27,100
Rrrg!
72
00:03:27,168 --> 00:03:27,768
What're you doing?
73
00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:30,337
Well I'll tell you what I'm not doing --
Besides your job?
74
00:03:30,405 --> 00:03:33,307
My job, is --
Answering the damn phone.
75
00:03:33,375 --> 00:03:37,043
A task so simple that if the health department
should let me, I'd have a monkey do it.
76
00:03:37,111 --> 00:03:37,611
Why?
77
00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,012
No, I was
obviously being facetious.
78
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,714
I would never allow a
monkey in my restaurant.
79
00:03:40,782 --> 00:03:43,517
Except maybe in the form of an
exquisitely prepared entr�e.
80
00:03:43,585 --> 00:03:47,554
No, I mean you're booked solid for...
Holy shit, the next ten months?
81
00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:49,390
So why even bother answering the phone?
82
00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:50,991
To tell people
they can't eat here.
83
00:03:51,058 --> 00:03:52,859
So, to drive
people away, basically.
84
00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:53,960
Those people.
85
00:03:54,028 --> 00:03:56,062
That's not even the real phone
number for reservations.
86
00:03:56,130 --> 00:03:56,830
I'm sorry?
87
00:03:56,898 --> 00:03:58,098
The real number's a secret.
88
00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,334
Closely guarded by people
I deem acceptable.
89
00:04:00,402 --> 00:04:03,937
So, just so I'm clear, instead
of assessing the security needs for
90
00:04:04,005 --> 00:04:06,740
tonight, I'm answering phone calls
from people who aren't good enough
91
00:04:06,808 --> 00:04:08,275
to eat here in the first place.
92
00:04:08,343 --> 00:04:12,979
Yeah, so try to sound
apologetic, but not, ya know, overly so.
93
00:04:13,047 --> 00:04:13,647
Seize.
94
00:04:13,715 --> 00:04:16,550
I'm sorry, we have nothing
available for the next ten months.
95
00:04:16,618 --> 00:04:18,852
Mmmkaybye.
96
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,053
Keep trying.
97
00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:21,488
Ugh, why?
98
00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:22,956
Besides I said so?
99
00:04:23,024 --> 00:04:24,057
They're booked.
100
00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:25,926
If I'd known I couldn't
get a table I'd have never
101
00:04:25,993 --> 00:04:27,828
agreed to do security!
102
00:04:27,895 --> 00:04:29,496
Why do they need security anyway?
103
00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:33,600
There was a... threat, of
some sort, it's all rather vague,
104
00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:36,437
but when those State
Department dweebs see just
105
00:04:36,504 --> 00:04:42,242
how good ISIS really is, mark my words...
one day soon we'll be a major player.
106
00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:44,745
What.
107
00:04:44,813 --> 00:04:47,548
- No, you know, just...
- You say
108
00:04:47,615 --> 00:04:49,616
that like you believe it.
109
00:04:49,684 --> 00:04:50,551
Wh-? Hey!
110
00:04:50,618 --> 00:04:51,652
Get me a table.
111
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:58,492
Or the fish gets it.
112
00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:00,894
Jesus, what's the big deal?
113
00:05:00,962 --> 00:05:06,667
That's my fish,
his name's Jermaaaine!
114
00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:07,634
Oh.
115
00:05:07,702 --> 00:05:09,169
I thought he was just your food.
116
00:05:09,237 --> 00:05:10,303
Food?!
117
00:05:10,372 --> 00:05:12,439
We're not making food, people!
118
00:05:12,507 --> 00:05:13,841
We are creating cuisine!
119
00:05:13,908 --> 00:05:15,709
Food is what a dog eats!
120
00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:16,710
Or a tourist!
121
00:05:16,778 --> 00:05:18,512
Wait, a dog ate a tourist?
122
00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,112
What!
123
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:21,081
That was ambiguously worded!
124
00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:22,048
Gnfgh!
125
00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:23,417
Was that ambiguous?!
126
00:05:23,485 --> 00:05:24,284
Why?
127
00:05:24,352 --> 00:05:25,986
Are you antagonizing him?
128
00:05:26,053 --> 00:05:29,556
Cyril, c'mon,
it's my nature. See?
129
00:05:29,624 --> 00:05:30,891
Yeah, kinda!
130
00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:31,992
Well how about this?!
131
00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:32,726
Gnfgh!
132
00:05:32,794 --> 00:05:35,195
Plus he can't aim for shit,
he's pulling everything to the right.
133
00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:37,831
And if you can't turn that
into promo gold, you should honestly
134
00:05:37,899 --> 00:05:39,165
consider suicide.
135
00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:40,567
Hang on, there's a bumper.
136
00:05:40,635 --> 00:05:42,235
Now prep, you [BEEEEEP] maggots!
137
00:05:42,303 --> 00:05:44,971
And then bleep out [BEEEEEP], since
Darlene won't let me say that.
138
00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:47,908
But seriously guys, we do have
a lot of food to prep, so...
139
00:05:47,975 --> 00:05:51,612
Uh, the food's splattered
all over the wall and floor and...
140
00:05:51,679 --> 00:05:54,381
Chet here, so --
So scoop it into a bowl.
141
00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:57,951
Nobody'll know, it's Albanian glop,
the entr�e's a frickin sheep face.
142
00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:01,021
I value all cultures equally highly.
143
00:06:01,088 --> 00:06:02,989
Should you be smoking in here?
144
00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,758
Should you be flaming in here?
145
00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:07,428
- Ya know...
- Boom! Bumper!
146
00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:10,063
He's just such a... bastard!
147
00:06:10,131 --> 00:06:11,031
Wh-?
148
00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:12,599
And that's not my name!
149
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:13,734
Yeah, "Child-Murderer"
150
00:06:13,802 --> 00:06:18,338
shouldn't be hyphenated, that makes it
seem like he's a murderer who's also a child.
151
00:06:18,406 --> 00:06:21,107
Actually no, it doesn't --
Actually yes, it does.
152
00:06:21,175 --> 00:06:25,178
"Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated, so why--
Why the shit?!
153
00:06:25,246 --> 00:06:25,813
Are you maggots!
154
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,280
Not prepping?!
155
00:06:27,348 --> 00:06:29,483
I -- wait, are
you doing a bumper?
156
00:06:29,551 --> 00:06:33,720
Coming up, on Bastard Chef!
157
00:06:33,788 --> 00:06:35,055
Aaaaaagh!
158
00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,223
Aaaaaaagh!
159
00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:39,259
I have seriously
never been happier.
160
00:06:39,327 --> 00:06:41,462
Aaaaaagh!
161
00:06:41,529 --> 00:06:43,229
Boom, bumper.
162
00:06:50,554 --> 00:06:52,688
Wait, so
what'd Malory say exactly?
163
00:06:52,756 --> 00:06:55,257
I -- she said "credible threat."
164
00:06:55,325 --> 00:06:58,193
I know, but what kind of credible --
Cyr -- Chet!
165
00:06:58,261 --> 00:06:59,261
I need those onions!
166
00:06:59,329 --> 00:07:00,696
Yes, chef!
167
00:07:00,764 --> 00:07:01,096
Ha!
168
00:07:01,164 --> 00:07:02,264
He has to call me chef.
169
00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,767
How and why are you enjoying this?
170
00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:08,303
Well for one
thing I'm pretty drunk.
171
00:07:08,372 --> 00:07:11,440
And besides bartending in Polynesia,
I've never had a real job, so --
172
00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:12,608
Wait, never?
173
00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:16,712
Uh... oh, when I was ten I
asked if I could sell "Grit" door to
174
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,181
door, so I could win some
of those x-ray specs?
175
00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:20,716
But Mother said they were fake.
176
00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,485
And also that I'd get raped and murdered.
177
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,787
It is like peeling
an onion with you.
178
00:07:24,855 --> 00:07:25,721
Right?
179
00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:26,289
Oh wait.
180
00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:26,856
Chet!
181
00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:28,858
Onions!
182
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:29,759
Here.
183
00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:33,195
What dish are they going in?
184
00:07:33,263 --> 00:07:34,463
Oh eat a dick!
185
00:07:34,531 --> 00:07:36,365
That's eat a dick, chef!
186
00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:39,402
And for a third thing, I think I
actually might be good at this.
187
00:07:39,469 --> 00:07:41,069
Okay, yeah,
nice technique, Randy.
188
00:07:41,137 --> 00:07:42,170
Thank you, chef.
189
00:07:42,238 --> 00:07:43,606
Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
190
00:07:43,673 --> 00:07:45,307
No I got these,
you do the aubergines.
191
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,041
Right away, chef.
192
00:07:46,109 --> 00:07:50,979
If Chet gets his incompetent thumb
out of his equally incompetent ass!
193
00:07:51,047 --> 00:07:53,883
Nice, yes, that
is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
194
00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:55,150
Always Be
Berating And Belittling.
195
00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:55,818
And you.
196
00:07:55,886 --> 00:08:02,024
Time to lean, time to get your
distracting tits off my line.
197
00:08:02,091 --> 00:08:03,325
Hey, is something burning?
198
00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:06,061
Oh wait, it's you, because
you just got burned.
199
00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:08,731
I -- oh my God,
you admire that dick.
200
00:08:08,799 --> 00:08:10,120
He's a master chef, Lana.
201
00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:13,569
Which turns out is not nearly as
gay a job as I thought it was.
202
00:08:13,637 --> 00:08:16,204
I mean it's no secret agent,
but it's way above architect.
203
00:08:16,272 --> 00:08:19,608
Speaking, of secret agent, at some
point before the restaurant is full
204
00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:22,945
of diplomats, I'd love to go over the--
Menu, I know, let's --
205
00:08:23,012 --> 00:08:24,079
Plan!
206
00:08:24,147 --> 00:08:25,481
On going over the menu, yes.
207
00:08:25,549 --> 00:08:29,017
Get child murderer Gilles de Rais in
here and I'll walk you through it.
208
00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:31,219
Answer the
goddamn phone, woman!
209
00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:32,988
Seriously,
Mitzi, how hard is that?
210
00:08:33,056 --> 00:08:34,590
Rrgh!
211
00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:36,358
Now nobody's picking up!
212
00:08:36,426 --> 00:08:38,226
A monkey could do this stupid job!
213
00:08:38,294 --> 00:08:40,028
And yet
I pay you to do it.
214
00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:41,730
Oh, so now I'm a monkey?!
215
00:08:41,798 --> 00:08:45,601
No, because a monkey--
Hoo ooo ooo
216
00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:47,436
ooo eee eee eee eee!
217
00:08:47,504 --> 00:08:48,571
What is this, Spain?
218
00:08:48,638 --> 00:08:53,825
I mean, it is
just constant A.B.B.A.B.
219
00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:56,912
Is that supposed to funny?
220
00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:57,613
Yes.
221
00:08:57,681 --> 00:09:00,816
And also I think you might
have low blood sugar.
222
00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:04,119
And I need you to focus, so we
can get Cruella de Vil's mom in there
223
00:09:04,187 --> 00:09:06,489
a damn table before she kills Jermaine!
224
00:09:06,556 --> 00:09:07,990
It's immpoossiibllle.
225
00:09:08,057 --> 00:09:10,826
And what's so important
about a stupid goldfish?
226
00:09:10,894 --> 00:09:14,630
Okay A, he's not a goldfish, and B--
Please don't berate me.
227
00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:18,066
Please don't make me, and B...
Tell 'em Thuy!
228
00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:19,935
Toi ca voi ban nam ngan!
229
00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:22,872
Con ca Jermaine se giet con ca cua ban!
230
00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:25,708
Jermaine,
Jermaine, Jermaine!
231
00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:27,743
Anyhoo, without gettin
all into the details,
232
00:09:27,811 --> 00:09:30,846
I may or may not owe fourteen
thousand dollars to some people
233
00:09:30,914 --> 00:09:33,081
you wouldn't wanna owe fourteen cents.
234
00:09:33,149 --> 00:09:35,117
I so can't relate to that.
235
00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:36,051
Could you try?
236
00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:37,586
No.
237
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,523
Could you pretend to try?
238
00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:41,657
Yes!
239
00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:42,625
Absolutely not.
240
00:09:42,692 --> 00:09:44,660
Absolutely yes,
Chet, c'mon I need
241
00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:47,496
the tongues first, and then every bit
of meat scraped off those cheeks.
242
00:09:47,564 --> 00:09:48,324
Is that all?
243
00:09:48,364 --> 00:09:50,432
You don't want the... frickin eyeballs?!
244
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:50,866
Oh.
245
00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,936
- Okay, so the tongues second...
- I'm not cutting out their eyeballs!
246
00:09:54,004 --> 00:09:56,104
Well not with
that, use a melon baller.
247
00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:57,172
I --
Ooh!
248
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,707
I'm gonna go make a big
pitcher of melon balls.
249
00:09:58,775 --> 00:09:59,295
You want one?
250
00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,209
No I don't want a damn melon ball!
251
00:10:01,277 --> 00:10:02,310
Suit yourself.
252
00:10:02,378 --> 00:10:06,415
But trust me, you are gonna
want a melon baller.
253
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,450
Okay, what's the
word, how we doing?
254
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:10,485
Well I've swept the
entire place for explosives,
255
00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:11,587
and it's clear.
256
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:12,555
That's the good news.
257
00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:14,757
The bad news is, if this vague
threat is gunmen, we've
258
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:19,161
got ingress points here, here, and...
You are talking about eggplants.
259
00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:21,730
No Lana, I'm
talking about aubergines.
260
00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:23,566
They're the --
They're the same thing.
261
00:10:23,633 --> 00:10:24,466
Oh.
262
00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:26,301
Then where does auberge fit in?
263
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:28,503
En nulle part, imb�cile,
parce qu'un auberge
264
00:10:28,572 --> 00:10:29,332
est un petit h�tel!
265
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,806
Ahh, tu parles fran�ais?
266
00:10:30,874 --> 00:10:32,041
Ouai.
267
00:10:32,108 --> 00:10:34,142
Then go answer
the goddamn phone!
268
00:10:35,612 --> 00:10:39,048
Okay, moment
of truth, taste test.
269
00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:42,751
- Please don't B-and-or-B me too hard...
- Mm!
270
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,486
Not bad, Randy, not bad at all!
271
00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:45,514
Thank you, chef.
272
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,155
Just needs a
little kick in the ass.
273
00:10:47,223 --> 00:10:48,724
Oh, and speaking of, where is Chet?
274
00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,626
In the walk-in,
weeping like a child.
275
00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:56,065
Nice!
276
00:10:56,132 --> 00:10:57,532
Man, you shoulda been a chef.
277
00:10:57,601 --> 00:10:59,267
Ohh... pshaw.
278
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,035
I'm serious.
279
00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:02,204
I mean, maybe being a secret
agent isn't your true calling.
280
00:11:02,271 --> 00:11:04,039
Yeah, my Mother
says that a lot...
281
00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:06,041
Oh what, so now I suppose you're
282
00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:08,877
just going to sit there and pout?!
283
00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:11,446
Well I didn't get
you into this, mister!
284
00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,283
You got yourself into this!
285
00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:19,054
And the clock is ticking, my friend.
286
00:11:19,122 --> 00:11:22,124
So, just so I'm clear...
You want me to use this
287
00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:25,527
top-secret 934-TX
telephonic isolator unit,
288
00:11:25,595 --> 00:11:27,963
for which you have neither
the clearance nor
289
00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:30,699
the written permission to
even gaze upon, to find all
290
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:34,236
phone numbers associated
with this physical address.
291
00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:37,106
Yeah, Gilda Gotrocks here
says ritzy joints like Seize have
292
00:11:37,173 --> 00:11:39,975
reservation numbers that're
strictly on the QT.
293
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:41,576
What is this, Spain?
294
00:11:41,645 --> 00:11:42,845
I mean the Thirties?
295
00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:45,981
A flagrant violation
of my sworn duty, for which my
296
00:11:46,049 --> 00:11:48,851
recompense will be, if in
fact I heard you correctly...
297
00:11:48,918 --> 00:11:50,919
Yes, you in fact
did, and said recompense
298
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:52,955
will in fact be a handjob.
299
00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:53,689
No.
300
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:54,456
From her.
301
00:11:54,524 --> 00:11:55,124
Yes!
302
00:11:55,191 --> 00:11:55,658
Wh-?!
303
00:11:55,725 --> 00:11:56,091
No!
304
00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:56,525
Yes!
305
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:57,425
Please!
306
00:11:57,493 --> 00:11:59,995
C'mon, if I don't make good
on that last fish-fight,
307
00:12:00,063 --> 00:12:03,032
you're gonna find me in a dumpster
somewhere way out in Red Hook!
308
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:06,501
Ya know, if you're ever in Red Hook
snoopin around in random dumpsters.
309
00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,236
Great, so
it's give him a handjob or
310
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:10,172
change up my whole Sunday routine?
311
00:12:10,239 --> 00:12:11,473
Um... apparently.
312
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:15,610
Ugh, this is so unfair.
313
00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,920
- Okay...
- But I am not spitting in your face.
314
00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:23,585
I --
Take it or leave it.
315
00:12:23,653 --> 00:12:24,519
Mmmyello?
316
00:12:24,587 --> 00:12:25,253
See how I did that?
317
00:12:25,321 --> 00:12:27,056
Just pick up the phone and talk into it?
318
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:29,892
I --
And how did you get this number?
319
00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:30,659
Which Kennedy.
320
00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:34,462
Because if it's Teddy he still
owes me for a urinal, so -- oh.
321
00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,263
Oh.
322
00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,498
Yes, absolutely.
323
00:12:36,566 --> 00:12:39,401
Eight o'clock, table for four, thank you.
324
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:49,978
- Thank yoooooooooooooouaaaagh...
- Thank you.
325
00:12:50,046 --> 00:12:52,614
Hoo ooo ooo
ooo eee eee eee eee!
326
00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:54,850
I think I'm --
Ptoo!
327
00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:56,284
in love with you.
328
00:12:57,187 --> 00:13:00,422
And yet I will die alone.
329
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,690
Yeah, probably.
330
00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:08,123
Okay, listen up!
331
00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:12,327
Tonight has to go perfectly, because
it is wall to wall VIP's out there.
332
00:13:12,395 --> 00:13:15,998
We've got the Albanian ambassador and
all his little diplomat buddies...
333
00:13:16,065 --> 00:13:19,668
And also Little Vernie Kennedy,
JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something.
334
00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:27,543
And then Teddy walks into the library
wearing nothing but a whiskey sour!
335
00:13:28,611 --> 00:13:29,344
Oh, Teddy.
336
00:13:29,412 --> 00:13:30,412
Such a scamp.
337
00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:32,313
So no screw ups!
338
00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:33,214
Now get to work!
339
00:13:33,282 --> 00:13:34,683
Talking to you, Gayvid Niven!
340
00:13:34,751 --> 00:13:36,518
Oh, eat a di --
What was that?
341
00:13:36,586 --> 00:13:37,452
Yes, chef!
342
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,820
Randy, ready the soup.
343
00:13:38,888 --> 00:13:41,823
I'll be out front, favoring the
guest of honor with an aperitif
344
00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,258
and my presence.
345
00:13:43,325 --> 00:13:46,294
- And here you are, Mr. Ambassador...
- I prefer to
346
00:13:46,362 --> 00:13:48,096
be called Your Excellency.
347
00:13:48,164 --> 00:13:49,531
Well, people
in hell want ice water.
348
00:13:49,599 --> 00:13:50,866
Ray!
349
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,400
What is your problem?!
350
00:13:52,468 --> 00:13:55,571
Besides not knowing if I
should add an eighteen percent gratuity?
351
00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:58,907
Because I can, it's a party of six
or more, but if they were gonna tip
352
00:13:58,975 --> 00:14:01,276
twenty percent, I just hosed myself.
353
00:14:01,343 --> 00:14:03,411
Not to mention
US-Albanian relations.
354
00:14:03,479 --> 00:14:06,682
So instead of insulting the ambassador,
whom we're here to protect --
355
00:14:06,749 --> 00:14:07,950
Protect him from what?
356
00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:11,723
The only threat around here is --
Dying of thirst, apparently.
357
00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:15,045
I've been trying to get a table at
Seize for months and when I finally
358
00:14:15,113 --> 00:14:20,417
do, instead of Casteau's world-famous
risotto, I have to eat sheep face --
359
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:21,365
Wait a minute...
360
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:22,793
-- so for God's sake,
the least you can do
361
00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:24,554
is keep my wine glass full!
362
00:14:24,622 --> 00:14:26,223
Oh my God, it's you!
363
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:27,691
You're the threat!
364
00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:30,318
You couldn't get a table so made
an anonymous threat and then got
365
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,595
ISIS hired to do security!
366
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,232
Well that's still
no excuse for poor service.
367
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,433
Wow.
368
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,467
Okay, you know what?
369
00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:38,768
Excuse me!
370
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:41,404
Yes, tell them all about it.
That'll do wonders
371
00:14:41,472 --> 00:14:44,100
for US-Albanian relations.
372
00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:47,144
Bon appetit!
373
00:14:47,212 --> 00:14:49,913
Hi, yeah, are you
done shouting at my guests
374
00:14:49,981 --> 00:14:51,181
in barely-passable French?
375
00:14:51,249 --> 00:14:52,482
Oui.
376
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:55,585
Then go help Mincent
Price with the --
377
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,360
Eighty-six soup!
378
00:14:58,256 --> 00:15:00,958
Aww man, I'm frickin starving...
379
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,792
Here ya
go, gang, get in here.
380
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,728
I brought a buncha crackers and jelly.
381
00:15:04,795 --> 00:15:06,830
You promised
you'd stop doing that!
382
00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:14,671
They were in
my tuxedo from last time!
383
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:19,343
For the love of God, will you --
384
00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:21,378
Kicked out in the first act.
385
00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:26,383
Well, we didn't
have to fight for a cab.
386
00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,284
What?
387
00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:29,286
Tell Randy, as
his final act before
388
00:15:29,354 --> 00:15:31,922
I walk back into the kitchen and
murder him with his own shoes, to --
389
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,823
Fire the entr�es!
390
00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:34,992
Rrrrgh!
391
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,726
Yeah, might as well.
392
00:15:36,794 --> 00:15:40,230
Because, Randy -- except, of
course, for your mother --
393
00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:41,265
there is no threat.
394
00:15:41,332 --> 00:15:43,400
Tell that to my tav� kosi!
395
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,036
The tender flesh of which
I'm now ruining under
396
00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:48,372
the broiler, because I have no soup!
397
00:15:48,439 --> 00:15:48,906
Ew.
398
00:15:48,973 --> 00:15:50,073
And who's fault is that?
399
00:15:50,141 --> 00:15:53,777
The -- whatever idiot
invented those slippery-ass bowls!
400
00:15:53,844 --> 00:15:57,247
Now get -- back here
and mop it up, Chet!
401
00:15:57,315 --> 00:16:00,183
Chef...Eat a dick.
402
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,051
A toast!
403
00:16:01,119 --> 00:16:03,553
To His Excellency, the
Ambassador Extraordinary and
404
00:16:03,621 --> 00:16:05,188
Plenipotentiary of Albania!
405
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,091
And to a long, peaceful, and
prosperous friendship between
406
00:16:08,159 --> 00:16:10,427
his great nation and ours.
407
00:16:10,494 --> 00:16:11,061
Gezuar!
408
00:16:11,129 --> 00:16:11,962
Gezuar!
409
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,998
While we sit
here dying of thirst...
410
00:16:15,066 --> 00:16:17,234
Hang on, I
might have a juice box in --
411
00:16:17,302 --> 00:16:18,368
Ron?!
412
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:19,469
Thenk you, chef.
413
00:16:19,537 --> 00:16:23,907
The dolma, the rakia...
I feel I am home in Albania.
414
00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:25,875
Just wait until
you try my tav� kosi.
415
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:26,509
Oooh!
416
00:16:26,577 --> 00:16:29,446
Tav� kosi is my most fevorit!
417
00:16:29,513 --> 00:16:30,880
If you'll excuse
me, I need to make
418
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,615
sure my sous chef hasn't ruined it.
419
00:16:32,683 --> 00:16:33,317
It's ruined.
420
00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:34,824
No, it's actually really good.
421
00:16:34,885 --> 00:16:36,219
Cyril and/or Chet?
422
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,355
No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans.
423
00:16:38,423 --> 00:16:40,357
Aww, and just when I thought I
424
00:16:40,425 --> 00:16:41,891
couldn't hate both of them more.
425
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,927
Now get these entr�es to the table!
426
00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,963
Move, maggots, everybody take a tray!
427
00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:46,663
Yes, chef!
428
00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:47,664
Right away, chef!
429
00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:48,798
Not you, Chet.
430
00:16:48,866 --> 00:16:50,667
You look like a dinosaur's tampon.
431
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:51,368
Boom!
432
00:16:51,436 --> 00:16:52,235
Bumper!
433
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,904
I am just killing it today.
434
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,807
- Well finally...
- Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with
435
00:16:57,875 --> 00:17:00,910
this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so...
436
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:04,014
So can I at least assume
there will be a wine pairing?
437
00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:05,215
Mmmm!
438
00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:09,987
Chef Rendy, this is the best
tav� kosi I ever tested!
439
00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:13,256
I -- grk!
440
00:17:16,227 --> 00:17:17,760
Wow, you really do like it.
441
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,796
Your Excellency?
442
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,064
He's dead!
443
00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:25,235
Wait, no, the threat was a hoax!
444
00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,069
A what?!
445
00:17:26,137 --> 00:17:26,569
Lana!
446
00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:28,438
Oh my God!
447
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:32,376
Well you can forget about ISIS working
for the State Department! Ever!
448
00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:34,978
And sir, please, I'm sure this
was just a terrible allergic
449
00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:36,313
reaction!
450
00:17:36,381 --> 00:17:36,946
Yes!
451
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:37,881
To poison!
452
00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:38,348
What?!
453
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,551
No, I started with the
freshest ingredients, like --
454
00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:43,020
Oh my God, the mushrooms!
455
00:17:43,087 --> 00:17:47,624
Casteau must've put poison
mushrooms in the -- Pam!
456
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:48,492
What.
457
00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:50,127
Nothing, here, have mine.
458
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:50,894
You sure?
459
00:17:50,961 --> 00:17:51,642
Pam!
460
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:54,631
Okay, let's get Casteau before he --
He's gone!
461
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:55,999
And also on the phone!
462
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:58,289
Oh Teddy!
463
00:17:58,302 --> 00:17:59,569
Ever the scamp!
464
00:17:59,637 --> 00:18:02,039
Please,
let's have dessert and --
465
00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:02,772
No time!
466
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,042
We have an embassy to close!
467
00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,210
So that's a "no"
on the wine pairing?
468
00:18:07,278 --> 00:18:09,246
Malory, a man's just been murdered.
469
00:18:09,313 --> 00:18:09,712
But how?
470
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:10,901
I mean, we all ate a little.
471
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,482
Or a lot.
472
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,417
You said I could have it!
473
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,751
But, if it wasn't the food...
474
00:18:14,818 --> 00:18:16,119
How the hell did he get poisoned?
475
00:18:16,187 --> 00:18:18,955
I coated his
glass with cyanide, you idiots!
476
00:18:19,023 --> 00:18:19,923
For the toast!
477
00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:21,311
Ooh, there's toast?
478
00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,293
Give me that. But chef... why?!
479
00:18:23,361 --> 00:18:24,961
Six million bucks!
480
00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,497
Which I'm gonna use to
deficit-finance a new show,
481
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,999
where I travel, so I can insult
people's cooking all over the
482
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:30,833
globe!
483
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,469
Now there's a show I'd like to --
484
00:18:32,537 --> 00:18:35,472
wait, you won't get away with this!
485
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:37,541
Well, you say that...
486
00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:40,677
Oh, and remember when I said you
could've been a great chef?
487
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:41,644
Yes?
488
00:18:41,712 --> 00:18:45,148
Every morning I make two
cooks like you in the toilet.
489
00:18:45,216 --> 00:18:46,316
Why?!
490
00:18:46,384 --> 00:18:48,818
Why couldn't he let me have the dream?!
491
00:18:48,886 --> 00:18:50,954
Why can't you
let me have some wine?
492
00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:52,655
What is this, Spain in the Thirties?
493
00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:55,392
And way, way more
importantly, who would pay
494
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:59,662
six million dollars just to
make ISIS look like idiots?
495
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,465
Seriously, for that
much money we coulda built
496
00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:02,799
a whole new bionic man.
497
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:04,201
Dun't tempt me, Barry.
498
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:04,934
Boom!
499
00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:10,173
Bumper!
500
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:15,512
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
501
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,959
Wow, remind me
not to piss you off.
502
00:19:19,079 --> 00:19:20,795
Remind yourself!
503
00:19:22,888 --> 00:19:24,181
Yes, dear.
504
00:19:24,301 --> 00:19:34,414
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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