All language subtitles for American.Dreamz.2006.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.LT]

How are the numbers?

Incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

Congratulations.

I'm leaving you.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm leaving you.

Yeah, I heard. Yeah. Yeah.

- I'm not kidding.
- I know.

Look, I think
it's an excellent decision on your part.

You do?

You're a fantastic person,

and the last year's been great, really.

You're beautiful.

The sex has been wonderful.

You're kind and supportive.

You wait for me with dinner
when I work late, you're amazing.

And it's driving me out of my fucking mind!

You know, with numbers like this,

this should be the happiest day of my life,

and instead I have to worry about
whether I make you happy all the time!

Jessica, sweetheart,

you make me feel like being a better person.

And I'm not a better person.

I'm me.

I feel sorry for you.

Don't.

I certainly don't.

In fact, I envy myself deeply.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Good morning, Mr President.

And congratulations.

It's good to have you with us
for another four years.

Thank you, Thomas. It's good to be back.

Would you like me to turn on the TV, sir?

Oh, no. That's okay.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

- How about the paper?
- The paper, sir?

Yeah. What the heck?

We'll see what the New York Times
has to say about things.

Bet they're eating some crow this morning.

We have a copy anywhere?

We can get one, sir.

All right, get one.
And scare up my reading glasses.

I'm going to read the newspaper.

Shall I bring it to the workout room, sir?

No, I'm gonna read my paper
right here in bed.

Take it a little easy this morning.

Well, you deserve it, sir.

Yes, I do. It was a heck of a fight.

Yes, sir, a heck of a fight.

The important thing is the good guys won.

Cut!

Cut!

Cut!

This guy is pathetic!
He's ruining every shot!

You, come here!

- I'm sorry, sir.
- Sorry?

Is that what you're going to say

when you endanger your brothers
on the holy mission?

- No.
- Just stay out of the shot.

Yes, sir.

My wife's cousin.
Otherwise, I send him back home tomorrow!

Okay, everybody, from the top, huh?
Let's shoot this puppy!

Come on. Come on.

One, pah!

Singular sensation

Every little step she takes

One, pah!

Thrilling combination

Every move that she makes

One smile and suddenly nobody

else will do

You know you'll never be lonely

With you-know-who

One moment

Oh!

What is this?

Was I being loud?

You could hear it down into the valley.

Hey...

That was rare.

You are lucky it was me who found you,

not one of the others
because they would cut your throat!

I'm so sorry. I like show tunes.

I grew up listening to them,
my mother had a collection of 50 records.

Your mother was killed
by an American bomb.

I know that.

That is why I'm here.

Look, I've got some news for you.

Your papers came through.

You are leaving next week for Frankfurt,
and from there to Orange County.

You'll be staying at our mutual cousins'.
They know nothing of your purpose there.

You are to just wait
until your sleeper cell contacts you.

When will that be?

Never.

I can't. I just can't, I can't, I can't.
I can't possibly. I can't do it.

It's too horrible.
Please, not another season, please.

I beg you, don't make me do it.
Don't make me do it.

- Don't make me do it.
- Everyone's ready for you, sir.

Right, terrific. Okay, let's go!
Let's rock and roll, yeah?

Good morning. Good morning, everyone.
Lovely to see you again.

Or, rather, not see you.
Can we have the house lights, please?

Now?

Now?

Not next Tuesday. Cheers. Boo!

Boo!

Here we are again. Here we are, yet again.

Here we are, producing
the most popular show on television.

The show to which not only America,
but now the whole world is glued. Yay!

Which brings me to the task at hand.

When you're on top,
there's only one place to go.

- And where is that?
- Down!

Who said that?

"Down" is an incorrect answer.

The answer is "up." Up!

Because if you go down,
do you know what happens?

All those people who were buttering you up
and smiling at you just moments ago

leap on you and kick you and kick you

and kick you and kick you
and kick you until you shut up.

Down is not an option.

So,

let's go out there
and get some great contestants.

And I don't just mean talented,
I mean human.

And by human, I mean flawed.
And by flawed, I mean freaks.

Bring me some freaks.

Let's make this a show
that even I would watch.

- Is it them? Is that them?
- Don't run!

Wait, wait, wait! Your hair!

- Okay, okay, okay. Stop, Mom.
- All right. Go!

Oh, Goddess, please, please, please.

- Sally Kendoo?
- Yeah.

We're from American Dreamz.

- I know.
- And we're here to tell you...

You've been selected
to perform on the show.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Why do you do that?
- Do what?

You know what.

Just once I would like to tell when...
What are you doing?

Sorry. Screaming.

- Yes! Yes!
- Stop! Stop, stop screaming.

- Stop.
- Dude.

I'm really sorry.
We're gonna have to do this all over again.

You're gonna have to go inside,
and come out

and jump for joy all over again,

because we didn't get it on camera.

Okay.

Yes! I got it! I got it!

- She's good.
- Yes! Yes!

There's my guy.

Congratulations, Mr President.

You said we'd tear them a new one
and we tore them a new one.

Excuse me.

The big guy up there tore them a new one.
He smited them.

- Smote.
- Smote, smited, whatever.

What's with the papers? New puppy?

- They're newspapers.
- I can see that.

- Hi, Mrs P. You look beautiful.
- Good morning, Wally.

- So, Mr P, you ready to meet the press?
- Not right now.

Mr P, we discussed this.

I mean, it was your idea
to meet the press after the big win.

Herald in a new era of openness,
what with our overwhelming mandate.

Yeah, I know.
It's just that there is a lot of stuff in here.

It... There's a lot of interesting things.

Well, yeah, there is a lot of stuff.
They have to fill the pages with something.

But I think "interesting" is stretching it.

Well, for instance, did you know

that there are two kinds of Iraqistanis?

I mean, actually,

three kinds of Iraqis.

Do you mean,
Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds?

You knew about this?

So did you. You knew this, Mr P.

- Yeah, but...
- It's in your weekly digests.

It's not like in this country,

where whites and blacks and Latinos
all get along

and there's no prejudicial deal
between them. I mean, these people,

they have some long-standing
beefs with each other.

Look, honey.
American Dreamz is coming on again soon.

That's great. Great.

Mr President,
we have to get you dressed and prepped.

The press is waiting for you.

You mean,
they're all out there waiting for me?

They certainly are.

Well, I just want to sit here
and read for a while.

I think I deserve a break.
I'm kind of exhausted.

Mr P, we need...

I am not going out there right now,
g-damn it!

Move it. Fun in a bucket.
Fun in a bucket, everybody.

All right, all right.

Hey, Willie, where's Sally?
Get her down here!

- Oh, you know how girls are.
- Yeah.

Hey, man. That's some girlfriend you got.
When you gonna marry that girl?

We're talking about it, Uncle Fitz.

We're thinking maybe next spring, huh?

All righty. All right!

- Hey, Sally, it's you-know-who.
- Come on in, Willie.

The door's locked, babe.

What are you doing up here, Sally,

when everybody's down there
celebrating your triumph?

Great.
I'm really excited for them.

And they're really excited for you.

You know, I am, too. I don't think
I've ever been prouder in my life.

You know what?

I was pretty excited for myself, too,
for like a half hour.

And then it sunk in that this means nothing.

Nothing?

Sally, this is your dream.
You've always wanted to be on TV.

No. I've always wanted to be a star.

Isn't that the same thing?

No, Willie, it's not the same thing.
Any idiot can be on TV nowadays.

All you have to do is swap your wife
or eat a sheep's anus or something.

Yes. Yes, but you are gonna sing.

Yeah. I'm gonna sing.

I'm gonna sing. And I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough!

- Seven years!
- No, you know what I am?

I am the best karaoke singer
in this county of Ohio.

I'm going to go all the way out there, right?

And I'm gonna come right back home

and lose in the first round
because I'm just... I'm not good enough!

- No way.
- Yes.

- No way.
- Yes.

No way, no way, no way. You're cute.

You got a great voice.

You got personality.

And you got a great voice.

Why, I think you're gonna win
the whole damn thing.

And if for some reason those folks
have their heads up their stinkholes

and you don't win, for whatever reason,

I'm not gonna love you any less.

I'm gonna love you more
because I see your real beauty

and I don't need no TV show
to show it to me.

Honey, I got some big news today, too.

I'm being made assistant manager,
plumbing fixtures.

Assistant manager.

And you know what happens next.

Manager, plumbing fixtures.

Willie?

I think it's time we broke up.

What?

It's just... I don't think it's working anymore.

- Sure it is. It's going great.
- Not really.

No, your life is here.

And my life is...

Or maybe it's...

But either way, see, I can't take you with me.

But I love you.

I love you. Damn it, you can't do this to me.

No, listen. You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me, I can't take it.

You stay up here and cry.

I'm going to go down and greet my fans.

Sally!

Hi, everyone!
Now, who'd like to hear a little song?

Yeah!

She's a very freaky girl

The kind you don't bring home to mama

She's a super freak
Super freak

She's super freaky

Wrong!

Do you want this?

Do you?

Well, then get your ass in gear!

- Lqbal, darling.
- What?

Your cousin Omer is arriving any minute.

Okay, I'll be up in a moment.
I'm doing something here.

No, not in a moment.
A moment with you stretches into an hour.

Your cousin has come halfway around
the world. Let's show him some hospitality.

You come up right now!

Don't get me upset today, okay?
You know I don't like to get upset.

Nazneen!

What a home. It is stupendous.

What, this old place? Nazneen!

Nazneen!

- ALl: There you are.
- Aunt Nazneen.

This young man thinks
our little home is stupendous.

What, this old shack?
Let me see you. Let me see you.

Hey, Omer!

Could this be little Shabnum?

Call me Shazzy. Everyone does.

I'm so excited you're here.
It's been, what, 10 years, right?

- Yes.
- We're gonna party like rock stars!

Okay.

Oh, Omer. Omer.

I am so, so sorry about your mother.

You know I loved her very, very much.

I told her to leave Baghdad.
It's too dangerous.

But she was headstrong.

No, no, Nazneen.
This is a happy day. Remember.

Oh, yes, of course, sweetie. Yes, honey.

Hey, lqbal, this is your cousin, Omer!

- Hello.
- Hi. Long time no see.

Come on. Come on, everybody.
Come on, sweetheart.

- Come on, let's be happy.
- Yes.

The President hasn't made
a public appearance for the last three weeks.

What about the rumours
that he has a mystery ailment?

There is no mystery ailment.

As we all know, the campaign process
takes a lot out of a person.

And the President has been enjoying
the intervening time to rest and reflect.

Is it true that he left President Putin on hold
for 30 minutes

when the Russian president called
to congratulate him?

Absolutely not.

The President and Mr Putin had a nice talk.

The President considers him a close friend,

while of course, deeply mistrusting
his undemocratic tendencies.

Sir, what about the rumours that
the President had a nervous breakdown?

Nervous breakdown?

Look, fellows, I would like to remind
everyone that we're still at war here.

The terrorists are looking to exploit
any sign of weakness.

And it's not a question of if,

but when they're going to launch a major
attack ending life on Earth as we know it.

So let's just try and keep a positive attitude.

Okay, that's it.

Poopie.

Poopie!

Oh, hey, Poopie.

- When did you get up?
- Four hours ago.

It's time for you to get dressed.

I picked you out a nice suit.

We both think you need to get up
and get out of this bedroom.

- Who's we?
- Hi, Mr P.

- Oh, hi, Wally, I didn't hear you come in.
- I guess you were distracted.

Wally, be careful
with that pile. That is the Canadian press.

Canadian press?

What on earth are you doing
reading the Canadian press?

Who outside of Canada gives a shit
about the Canadian press?

- Wally, language.
- They're our neighbours.

Our neighbours?

Sir, you are worrying me, here.

I don't know how long I can cover for this.

Well, there is nothing to cover for.

I'm just...
I'm just trying to figure out a few things.

If you wanted more info, sir,
why did you cancel the weekly briefings?

Because I'm not sure I'm getting
the straight poop from them, that's all.

I mean, Iran and North Korea

are not just like Dr Octopus and Magneto.

You don't like cartoons? Fine, they're gone.

Joe, we're trying to help, here.

- Linda?
- Well, we were wondering

maybe you ought to take some of these.

What, your hormone pills?

They're not hormone pills,
they're happy pills.

They make you happy when you're sad.

Well, hold on here.

- Are you sad?
- No. I'm happy.

But I think you're a little sad, maybe.

I think maybe you ran so hard,

you fought so well
for this wonderful victory,

so that you could help your country, and...

You fought so well

for a wonderful victory.

Fought so well
for the wonderful victory that you...

Now you have the wind,
the wind knocked out of you.

You're wondering,
what was the point of it all.

Why you? Why now?

Why did the Lord pick you out of all people?

What are your special qualifications?
And did the Lord even pick you?

Or was it just having
really, really powerful friends?

Are you saying the Lord didn't pick me?

The Lord did pick you. He picked you.

Of course he picked you, honey.

The thing is, we just can't have a President

who stays in his pyjamas all day.

Come on, sir.

The country needs you.

I like the country.

Well, that's good.
Because you're its President.

- Hello, William.
- Hi, Mrs Kendoo.

I just came by to say good-bye to Sally.

Well, have you up and joined the Army?

I have, Mrs Kendoo.

I just feel like since Sally dumped me,
my life has been meaningless.

So, I'm trying to find meaning
by defending my country.

And I just wanted to tell Sally that.

Well, William, that's very sincere of you,

but Sally isn't here.

She's in New York meeting with agents.

- Agents?
- They're folks that...

They act greedy and mean for you,
so you can seem like a nice person.

But Sally is a nice person.

So I'm not gonna get to see her, then, am I?

I'm afraid not, William.

Well, you just tell her

that wherever I am, I'll be thinking of her.

And I got her face tattooed on my arm.

It's from our prom photo.

Well, it's beautiful work.

Well.

Now I feel like a terrible person.

Oh, you can't help it if that boy wants
to go do something foolish like get a tattoo.

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored,

I'm bored, bored,
bored of these contestants.

I want some variety, okay?

I want someone to love, I want someone
to pity, I want someone to laugh at.

I want someone to masturbate over.
Well, possibly we have that already.

I want... I want an Arab.

I'm part Arab.

No, don't be ridiculous.

No. Mother's Syrian. Dad's Korean.

Good God. All right, then.

Bring me a fellow Arab. And a Jew.

Bring me an Arab and a Jew.

What about an Arab Jew?

Don't be funny.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

Martin, I've got the White House
on the phone for you.

- No, love. I don't think you have.
- I think I do.

Hello? Martin Tweed.

No commercials.

Don't be ridiculous.
We can't do no commercials.

The PR benefit to you
will more than make up for it.

With all due respect,
we are the number one show on TV.

We are watched by college freshmen,
grandmas in retirement homes,

death-row inmates, nuns.

We hit every demo.
That is the reason you've come to us.

You need the PR more than we do.

We're talking about
the President of the United States, here.

Yeah, a President who hasn't been seen
in public for weeks.

There are rumours he's gone bonkers.

He hasn't gone bonkers. Doing great.
Feeling good, has a good sense of humour,

tremendous popular appeal.
Man of the people.

That's why we want to get him out there
in a big way.

I heard you're also booking him
on Larry King and Oprah.

- That's correct.
- No, that is incorrect.

If he does our show, he cannot do
any other show before our show

and he cannot do another show
for at least a week afterwards.

But those are talk shows.

The President's old friends with Larry
and he loves Oprah.

Don't we all? Still, those are my terms.

No other TV appearances.
Two commercial breaks.

- No commercial breaks.
- Two.

- One.
- One.

One commercial break.

- Okay.
- Okay. Great! Great!

Looks like the President's gonna be
a guest judge on American Dreamz.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Oh, well, now he looks
as strange as you two do.

Nonsense. He looks adorable.

He barely let us spend anything on him.
All this stuff was on sale.

Thank you so much.
This is more than I need.

You see?
You two need to learn a lot from this fellow.

Darling, we must get him
his own credit card.

Why not?

Hey, Omeriser. Want to see something cool?

Watch out.
Super-gay-meister might jump you!

Shut up, hairy she-male! Let's go.

She's a super freak
Super freak

She's super freaky

Wow.

Bravo!

Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks.
- Oh, the shaking.

Okay, now you're just making fun of me.
Stop.

No! No!

No, you are extremely talented, cousin.

Not only as a singer but as a dancer.
You have pizzazz, my friend.

Really?

- You really think so?
- Yes.

Wow.

How strange to not be met with mockery.

Who mocks you?

Everyone! That's why
no one's allowed down here.

Oh, this is a spectacular set-up you have.

You think so?

Gosh! I really wish
you would have been here last month!

I taped an audition for American Dreamz.

Had to have Shazzy run the camera.
She couldn't stop shaking with laughter.

- So, how do you work the lighting in here?
- Oh, I'll show you.

- Hey, how long you been in Iraq?
- Fourteen months.

Wow. Fourteen months.
You must have seen a lot of stuff.

This is my first day here.

In fact, I just joined the Army
two weeks ago.

I had kind of an accelerated basic training.

I was pretty surprised when they said,
"Pack your bags, you're going to Iraq."

Honestly, I thought they were joking.

Hey, you got any advice for me?

Don't get shot.

Don't get shot!

Okay. Will do.

What was that?

I think you just got shot.

My tattoo!

First off, I think you're really talented

and you have a chance
to win this whole thing.

A chance? She's going to win it all, mister.

Mom, shut up. Go on, Chet Krogl.

Thank you. I know she's gonna win, Martha.
That's why I'm representing her.

But winning American Dreamz
isn't just about talent.

You have to have a story.

Now, the whole
poor white trash thing is great.

Well, we're not white trash.

No. No, no, no. Of course not, of course not.

But it doesn't hurt to imply that you are.

Look what it's done for Britney Spears.

See, everyone in America
thinks they're middle class.

So they like to have someone
to look down on.

We are middle class.

Mom, shut your gaping pie hole.
Go on, Chet Krogl.

Human interest is what wins these things.

Now, absent father's not bad.

You two are divorced, right?

Well, Daddy lives with another man
in Chicago.

Another man.

Maybe? Well, no.

Let's not feature that.
That's too much of a wild card.

Now, one thing that is important, Sally,
is that you not appear to want it too much.

I'm just singing for the love of singing.

As long as I get to get on that stage

and perform in front of
that incredible audience, I'm happy.

Not bad. Not bad.

Now, of course, on the inside,
you do need to want it really badly.

Mr Krogl, I'd rather jab my eyes out
with toothpicks and eat them

- than lose this thing.
- Okay. Awesome!

There's sort of this Hollywood thing,
the camera puts on 10 pounds.

- So, you're gonna want to lose 20.
- Screw you.

I control my weight swings. No one else.

Having a little extra meat, taking it off,
packing it on can make people root for you.

It hasn't hurt Oprah.

I love Oprah.

We're busy!

- Could you get that?
- Yes.

Oh, my Lord! Sally, you better get over here.

It's William. He's back.
And I think he's been wounded.

Oh, my God.

- I know.
- Poor William.

I don't think
he's going away.

Who's William?

It's Sally's old boyfriend.

She broke up with him a few weeks ago.

Yeah, it just wasn't gonna work.

Every time he smiled, I wanted to hit him
in the head with my shoe.

So he's a returning war veteran
injured in Iraq?

That's right.

Yep.

Sally, remember what I said

about human interest being the thing
that wins American Dreamz?

Hi, William.

Hi, Sally. I'm back.

Brought you some flowers.

Oh, gosh. Thank you, William.

I got injured in Iraq.

Yeah, I can see. I'm so, so sorry.

Well, I just came to say hi, so...

Yeah. But, William,

I'm actually really happy that you're home

and you're back

and you're alive.

- Sorry, sorry.
- No big deal. No big deal.

Listen, I'm so happy to see you, too. I...

- Sally, who's the guy with the video camera?
- Nobody. He's just my agent.

Oh, cool.

Keep going. Don't mind me.

This is Linda Garvey reporting live
from the White House.

It is his first official state visit
since his re-election

and the President is hosting
the Premier of China.

Unfortunately, news cameras
weren't allowed inside for the meeting.

I am terrified of North Korea.

I keep having this nightmare.

That the sirens are going off

and then someone rushes in and tells me
that the North Koreans are attacking.

So I run to get my Bible, but I can't find it.

And then the sky goes dark.

Do you ever have nightmares?

Vamp. Improvise.

Bye-bye. Sure you don't want to sleep over?

All right. Next time. Bye, now.

Well.

I think that went really well.

He seems like a real nice guy.

Yes, he's very nice.

Very nice, for a communist dictator.

What the hell is going on here, Joe?

I mean, have you had
a frigging nervous breakdown?

Uh, no.

"Uh, no" is not a very reassuring answer.

Joe, you remember when we first met?

When I came up to you at that fundraiser
for your dad and I said,

"You're gonna make
one hell of a President,"

and you said, "You mean my dad is,"
and I said, "No, pal. You are."

I kind of remember it. I was pretty toasted.

Is that what's happening here?
Are you getting toasted again?

- Do you have a bottle hiding somewhere?
- No! Of course not.

'Cause I'm there for you.

It's just that

there are some things that kind of seemed
pretty black-and-white.

And now they,

kind of, becoming a little grey-seeming.

I'll tell you one thing
that isn't grey-seeming.

Your numbers.

The only demo where you have
an approval rating above 30%%

is with children under the age of five.
You know what they're saying out there?

Yeah, I've been reading the papers.

They're saying you've disappeared.
They're saying you've gone cuckoo!

Look, Mr President.

We have a lot of important work to do.

We're making democracies
and you have to keep your eye on the prize!

First off, no more newspapers.

In fact, no more reading.
Back to the regular briefing.

Second off, we're gonna up the dosage
on your medicine.

Third off, we're going on a publicity blitz

to show the world that you're still
going strong, still have the common touch.

And to start off with, you're gonna be
a guest judge on American Dreamz.

- Are you sure that's dignified?
- Oh, it will be dignified.

And charming.
And populist and on-message.

Because you'll be wearing this.

What is that?

Hey, Omer. Want to go to the mall?

We just went last weekend.

Yeah. Now we're going again.

Why? Did you forget
to purchase something?

If you do not mind,
I think I will pass on the mall today,

I would like to just stay here and relax.

- Okay. Bye!
- Bye.

(MYSTICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You're too kind. You're too kind, really.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

And now a piece from the classic,
Guys and Dolls.

This is really a new low.

- This lqbal guy can't sing.
- Neither can the Hasidic guy.

What? The Hasidic guy rules.

Wait! I hear singing.
Start the camera. Start the camera.

Luck be a lady tonight

Luck be a lady tonight, pah!

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with

Luck be a... tonight

May I help you?

You do not understand.
I have no desire to be on a television show.

But you have real talent.
Do you really think so?

But it is a moot point,
because it is not I you are looking for.

It is my cousin, lqbal.

I want him. No, I don't want him.

I need him. I love him.

That is it. That's my Arab.
Lqbal's out. Omer's in.

Okay. We're working on it.

Now here's a tape
that Sally Kendoo's agent sent over.

She's the white-trash girl from Ohio.

Apparently, she has a boyfriend
who was injured in the Iraq war,

and this is footage of their reunion.

Now look at this right here.

Did you get that?

Whoa.

Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.

Did you get that?

Dirty bitch.

Oh, my God. It's Martin Tweed!

Martin Tweed, everyone!

Oh, my God!

Get back. Get back, everyone!

Mr Tweed.

- Come on in.
- Thank you very much.

- Mrs Kendoo?
- Oh, yes.

And a lot of other Kendoos.

Can I get you some hot bundt cake
or how about a beer?

No, thank you very much.
I'm on a strict sashimi diet.

Martin, Chet Krogl.
We met at upfronts a couple of years ago.

Right. Yeah, Chet Krogl.

- I don't want to talk to you.
- Okay. No problem.

Do you know what? Do you think I might
go upstairs and talk to Sally in private?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

- Cool car.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

Not easy renting a Ferrari in Padookie, Ohio.

I'm surprised that you're here,
'cause I thought

we were supposed to meet
for the first time onstage at the show.

Yeah. Normally we would.
I never produce these segments.

But I heard Padookie was an exciting town,
thought I'd check it out.

- That was a joke.
- I'm aware.

You didn't laugh.

It wasn't funny.

No.

But why didn't you laugh
just to kiss my ass?

I figure you didn't need me to kiss your ass.

I mean, I'm sure you have people
kissing your ass 24 hours a day.

And I guess, like, not kissing your ass
is like kissing your ass for most people.

Absolutely right.

It's weird. One can become quite detached
from reality when one's famous.

Really.

That sounds so cool.

Yeah, it can be.

So, Sally, I've seen your tapes
and I think you're very talented.

- Really? You do?
- Well, moderately.

But beyond that...

Beyond that?

I think I like you.

I don't mean romantically, I mean

I think I like you as a human being.

So, have you ever been
in a Ferrari before?

Yeah, yeah, tons of times.

You know, sometimes I'll be driving
my Enzo down Mulholland Drive,

really gunning it. I'll look at the little railing
at the side of the road

and the steep drop just beyond that
and I'll think,

"Wouldn't it be great just to shoot
off the edge of the cliff?"

- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Mr Tweed, I...

No, no, no, no, no. Don't call me Mr Tweed.
Call me Tweedy.

- Like Tweety Bird, but with a 'd'?
- Exactly, yeah.

You know, my mum used to say to me,
"Martin, you have no talent.

"No one will ever love you."

Well, look at me now, Mum!
Look where no talent will get you!

You jealous, drunk old bitch.

Really, that's great.

But, Tweedy, can you help me win?

Because I would do absolutely anything
to win this show.

I'd love to help you, Sally,
but there's only so much I can do.

It's down to you.
You've got to make the people love you.

- The way that they love you?
- Nope. Nobody loves me.

My mum was right about that.
But it's fine, I don't care.

I don't want the fake bullshit
that passes for love in this world.

Well, you don't have to worry about me,
I'm not even sure that I like you.

Wow.

My God,
I can't believe I just said that out loud.

I never say stuff like that out loud.

I think you are a rapacious little bitch.

Well, I think you're a self-involved,
preening idiot.

Sociopathic, egomaniacal,
Madonna wannabe.

No-talent, famous-for-being-famous,
third-rate, Regis Philbin clone!

So, at the mall today,
I upgraded my plan to 5,000 minutes,

but it's a family plan.

- Thank you, Auntie.
- You should've gotten 10,000.

- Lqbal?
- Yeah.

Something very odd happened today.
It's funny, really.

You see, these people from the
American Dreamz television show came by.

- Yeah?
- And...

- And?
- And I was using your stage

and they heard me singing
and they want me to be on the show.

I'm sorry. Did you say they want you
to sing on the show?

Mmm-hmm.

Isn't that amusing?

- Holy crap.
- Shazzy.

- Congratulations, Omer!
- Thank you.

"Congratulations, Omer!"
That's what you have to say!

"Congratulations, Omer!"

Do you know how hard I have worked
to get on this show?

You've stolen my dream!

I'm so sorry. I told them.
I told them they had made a mistake.

But do not worry.

I will simply refuse
to be on the television show. Yes?

Yes, and then they must take you instead.

They don't want me.

Nobody wants me!

Nonsense, sweetheart. We all love you.

Is that going to make me famous?
I don't think so.

Next week, the exciting
premiere episode of American Dreamz.

Which of these hopefuls will live
the next American dream?

Wait. Rewind the TiVo.

Pause it.

- Hello.
- Hello, Mrs Riza.

- Is Omer at home, please?
- Yes, he is.

Who shall I say is asking for him?

Just some friends.

Come in, please.

- Sun block, anyone?
- Yes. Thank you, Auntie.

Sure.

Now, I am going to bring you boys
a little treat.

Thank you.

Very cushy situation you have here.

- No pool?
- No. No, just the Jacuzzi.

The Western Command has learned of you
being chosen to sing and dance

on a hedonistic television show
aptly named American Dreamz.

Wow. You guys heard about that?

It's all a big mistake, you see.

They got me mixed up with my cousin.

Because I would never engage
in such a frivolous activity.

In fact, I'm going to tell them
I will not be on the show.

You are to do no such thing.

You are to perform on the show.

And you must get
to the championship round,

because judging the championship round

will be none other than the
President of the United States of America.

The President?

When you are onstage with the President,
you will have smuggled in an explosive belt.

And you are to martyr yourself.

Killing, in the process,
the head of the serpent.

What if I don't make it to the final round?

Omer, folks don't call me "The Torturer"

because I don't like to torture people.

You know what I mean?

Now, who would like to try
some grapefruit sorbet?

In a busy political week capped by
a marked increase in his approval ratings,

the President has stepped back into the
public eye in a string of high-profile events.

Earlier this week,
he hosted the Ukrainian President,

lifted weights with the head
of the Organisation of African States,

spent some time with his dog, Henry,

and chatted with Carmen Electra
at a black-tie event.

- Thank you.
- You come back now, all right?

- Okay. Nice meeting you.
- Okay.

After weeks of seclusion,
suddenly the President is everywhere.

Even signing on to guest judge

the finale of the top-rated television show,
American Dreamz.

You hear that? We're back.

All right. Now hold still.

It tickles.

You want to wear this thing all night?
Then sit still.

This thing is incredible. Great reception.

I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.

Hell of a week, sir!
You really got back on message.

That's because you're telling me
what the message is.

Exactly.

I just love that Carmen Electra. Thanks.

I would have never had the courage to go up

and talk to her by myself, face to face.

Engaging girl.

Good night, Mr President.

One and two. Three and four.

Five...

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing.
I'm just rehearsing some dance steps.

Oh.

Look, lqbal.

- I am so sorry...
- Stop.

I don't want your pity.
Does it look like I need pity?

No, no, no. You have far too much dignity.

If these people know nothing about talent,
there's not much I can do about it, is there?

So let's see it. Let's see your dance steps.

All right.

One and two. Three and four.

What?

Oh, there's no way
you're gonna win this thing.

I know. I fear as much.

Get up there. Up on the stage.

Are you sure?

Do it. Before I change my mind.

Okay. Now this is just the bass track.
It's good to practice moves to.

- I don't like this kind of music.
- It's just a bass track. It's just for rehearsal!

Okay.

Now, one problem you have is you move
like a re-animated corpse in a zombie movie.

Not good.

You need to loosen up.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Free-form jazz dancing,
right now, immediately.

Lqbal, why are you helping me?

I destroyed your dream.

Yeah.

You did.

But that was yesterday.

Today, I've turned a page
on a new chapter in my life.

I'm not sure being a performer
was ever what I was really meant for.

I'm more of a behind-the-scenes player.
A puppeteer.

A Svengali, if you will.

As of today,

I'm your manager.

This is Martin Tweed, and I am
in the small town of Padookie, Ohio.

Our first dream starts right here,

where local chanteuse Sally Kendoo
hopes her dream comes true.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was always Sally's idea to perform,
not mine.

I mean, she's been wanting to do this
since she was six months old.

Sing!

She did it before. She's just shy.
Come on, honey. Sing!

The last remaining business
on Main Street

is Harry's Hangdown Bar and Grill

where Sally works as a part-time waitress.

The Hangdown is a home away from home

for the largely unemployed male population
of Padookie.

Come on! Yeah!

Sally's high-school sweetheart
is a decorated war veteran,

a real American hero.

And halfway across America,
hailing from halfway around the world,

Omer Obeidi lives with his cousins,
the Riza Family.

A refugee from the mayhem
of the Middle East.

I cannot believe my good fortune
to be competing on the show.

This is truly an American dream come true.

Now.

Now.

America, you will be Omerised.

Like any American kid,
Omer likes to hang out at the mall

where his posse all know him.

Omer, American Dreamz, baby!

Yo, Big O!
I like your style.

O-mizzer! That's my dawg right there!

Keep it real, man! Remember that.
Keep it real.

There may not be peace in the Middle East,
but there is Middle East in this piece,

as we visit cantor Sholem Glickstein,
recent Israeli immigrant.

I wish Omer luck.

I wish all of the contestants luck,
because I'm coming for them.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear that? I am coming
for you, bitches! I am coming for you!

Looks great.

Big day tomorrow, boss. You fired up?

Yes. I am fired up.

- Debra?
- Yes.

Do you think I'm lovable?

Lovable?

Yeah. Yes, sure, very.

Frank?

I love you. That's all I know.

Okay, thanks. You can go.

Welcome! Welcome!
Welcome back, America!

- Boo!
- Boo!

I'm Martin Tweed
and I am so delighted to be back

with another exciting season
of American Dreamz.

We have some amazing dreamers
who are gonna perform for you tonight.

Some will triumph.
Some will sink back into obscurity.

Only one will become
America's newest sensation.

It's up to you, America.

Only you have the awesome power
to lift someone up into the heavens

and create a new star.

And here are your dreamers!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Come on, watch your step! Watch your step!

Go, go, go, go! Come on, get on up there!

Let's go! Go! Move it out! Move it!

I'd like to dedicate this song
to a real American hero.

My boyfriend, William Williams.

He risked his life for our freedom,
and that's a real American dream.

Mommy, don't drink

Me to bed tonight

What's gotten into

Your head tonight?

Did I make you mad?

Is that why you're sad?

And, Daddy, where have

You been all my life?

Mommy said that

You got a new wife

And there's nothing to do

But I know that's not true

And there's no one to hold me

Close when I cry

To rock me so gentle

Till the storm passes by

And I'm just a kid

But I know it ain't right

So, Mommy, don't drink

Me to bed tonight

Sally.

I think you're terrific.

In fact, I think you have star quality.

Thank you, Mr Tweed.

Sally Kendoo.

Girl, let's not be friends

'Cause we've shared too much

Girl, you know that
I'm yearning for your touch

'Cause I can't be less than your everything

'Cause I'll lay down and cry

I'll curl up and die

Don't let this be how my story ends

It's love or good-bye

So let's not be friends

I'm a rocking man

I'm a genuine rocking man

I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock
Rocking man!

I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock

I never felt

This way

Before

Girl, you know I want you
I got a rocket launcher

So, baby, let's get raunchy tonight

Let's get raunchy tonight

I don't want to taunt you
Or take you out and flaunt you

So, baby, let's get raunchy, all right

Let's get raunchy, baby

Sholem.

I only have two words for you.

Mazel tov!

No, you were wonderful. Really, wonderful.

Good news, Pauly.
I don't want to be your friend.

In fact, you make me
want to projectile vomit.

Bobby, I think my ears are actually bleeding.
You are like a musical Ebola virus.

Cindy.

I'm afraid I have felt this way before.

And it was just before I tried to kill myself.
Sorry, love.

Sorry.

I hate you!

Nice girl. Cindy.

Here he is.

Fantastic, Omer.

- Don't clap.
- No, no, of course.

To dream

The impossible dream

To fight

The unbeatable foe

To bear

With unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

What the hell is that?
He looks like he stepped on a scorpion.

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into hell

For a heavenly cause

Go, Omer. Go.

To reach the unreachable star

You have been Omerised! Pah!

Omer,

that was strange.

Strange,

but rather wonderful.

I think I have been Omerised.

I think I might be Omer-sexual.

Oh, my God!

Yes!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yes!

They came on boats
From across the sea

From faraway places

And far distant lands

And still they come

To a place where they're free

They fly in on planes

With hope in their hands

Sometimes it feels

Like we're stuffed to the seams

But it's everyone's God-given right

To follow their dreams

My American dream

Will come true for me

My American dream

For all to see

Every woman and man

Has their own destiny

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

We began the show with 50 dreamers.

Now we're down to just three.

- Boo.
- Boo!

How are you doing?

You all right?

And the two finalists

will be revealed after this commercial break
brought to you by American Motors,

introducing "The Tank," 50%% larger
than the next biggest SUV on the road,

because you need it.

And we're out! Come on,
people. Hair and makeup, let's go, let's go.

All right.
Give me some room over here, Travis.

Calm, calm, calm, calm.
Thank you, thank you very much.

Here you go.
And you're supposed to be drinking this.

- Must I?
- Contractually, yes.

- Your envelope.
- Thank you.

All right, let's wrap it up.
Let's get it started.

Let's get the chairs out, let's go.

Get the lead out. Big smiles, everyone.

Big smiles. And we're back. Three, two.

Excuse me. Delicious.
That's wildly refreshing.

And now, America, you have voted.

- Sholem Glickstein?
- Yeah.

You are

not a winner.

This week's winners who will move on
to the championship round

are Sally Kendoo and Omer Obeidi.
And don't forget,

on next week's finale, special guest judge,
the President.

Honey?

I have a confession to make.

I haven't been taking my happy pills.

Actually, I haven't been taking mine, either.

- But you don't seem sad.
- Well, I guess I'm not.

At first, those happy pills
really helped me a lot.

But, eventually, I think they were just
kind of like placebos.

Placebos? Aren't they illegal?

No, Poopie. It means fake.

Well, yeah.

Well.

You know,

I guess I kind of feel like I'm a placebo.

I mean, I've had speech writers

writing for me all my career,

and advisors telling me
what positions to take.

I can't even remember why I wanted
to get into politics to begin with.

I think it's 'cause my mom wanted me to.

Show my dad any idiot could do it.

Maybe I ought to just chuck the whole thing.
What do you think?

Starting with that American Dreamz deal.

Don't you say that.

Do you remember what I said
the first time I met you?

Yeah.

"Hey, jerk-off, you spilled your beer on me."

After that.

When you went and got that towel

and borrowed that T-shirt
from one of your frat brothers for me.

I said, "Now that there is a good guy."

And I still think so today.

So you just go on and be on that show.

And then, afterwards, we will tell Wally
no more earplugs, okay?

Well, how am I gonna know what to say?

Well, we will think of it together.

Mmm-hmm.

Look at this! "Omer Mania!"

"America's newest mascot, adorable,

"Omer Obeidi
has 'Omerised' the whole country."

It should have been me.

I mean, great, Omer! They love you!

Room service.

Hey, what are you gonna say
when you meet the President?

Sorry?

"Sorry?" Omer, you crack me up.

Okay, we got two orders
spicy tuna hand rolls,

a plate of fresh fruit
and some chimichangas.

Oh, you guys go ahead and start eating. I...

I have to go talk to the waiter in private
for a moment.

So.

You have become quite the famous man.

- You know why they vote for you?
- Because they like me?

Because you are a figure of fun to them.

They see you prancing and singing
and they can forget the terrors

they've inflicted on our lands
with their soldiers and weapons.

It could be. Yes, I guess.

But I have to hand it to you.

You have put us in a wonderful position
to strike them a crippling blow.

About that crippling blow.

I really don't know
how I'm supposed to do it.

You see, really,
there is a lot of security there.

All you have to do is get me and the rest
of your brothers on the guest list

for the studio audience.

We will smuggle in the explosive device
in pieces, assemble it there,

and then you must only retrieve it

in the toilet-seat-cover dispenser
in the men's bathroom.

Then, when you meet the President

and shake his hand, live on television,

you will ignite the device.

And I will see you in paradise.

You will be killed, too?

Not yet. It's a pretty small bomb.

But I'll see you up there
in a few years, I'm sure.

So, I'm just curious.
How is this Martin Tweed in person?

Sally, Sally, Sally. I am so proud of you.

I always knew you had a great voice
and now the whole world knows it, too.

William, no, no. I have not won yet.
Everybody seems to be forgetting that.

You know, folks,
they love that Middle Eastern guy.

They love you more.

They love us more. You know how many hits
we got on our website last night?

Sixteen million.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

God, William. You make me feel bad.
Why do you care so much about me?

Why?

Because, honey, you are my dream girl.

Yuck.

I can't stand looking
at those damn French fries anymore.

Just cover them up or something.

Sally Kendoo, I love you.

Okay? I love you.

I love how you binge eat
and then starve yourself.

I love how pretty you sing,
whether it's in the shower

or in front of millions of TV viewers.

I look at you and I see that same girl
that I fell in love with in high school.

And I'd like to know, right here and now,

if you'd help to make my dream come true
and marry me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord.

Hold it right there! Nobody move.

- Chet, what are you doing?
- I'm calling the camera crew.

No, you're not. Put the phone down, Chet.

- Chet, put the phone down right now!
- Chet, put the phone down!

What, are you kidding me?
This is great stuff.

- And, William, stand up, please.
- But...

Stand up.

Now, please understand.
I am so touched by your proposal

and the sweet things
that you just said to me, but...

Right now is a really bad time.

Do it on the show!

- On the show?
- Absolutely.

That's a great idea.

- Really?
- Yes.

And do that thing about how
every time you look at her

you see the same girl
you fell in love with in high school.

- What, you were listening?
- I'm in the other room, man, so, yes.

And you. Hey, you!
Are you still into winning this thing?

Because this is what we in the biz call
"incredible television."

People are going to be
in their living rooms, sobbing.

Then they're gonna be
crawling over each other

trying to get to the phone
so they can call up and vote for you!

Well, I'm up for it if you are, Sally.

Yes! This guy!

We are gonna get into this
with the producers.

Can I see that ring for a second?

Wow, that's great.

We're gonna get a bigger one
so that it plays on TV,

but there is nothing wrong with that ring.

Now, here's what I'm thinking, okay?

It's gonna be a special
built around the wedding.

- Do you sing at all, William?
- I can sing a little bit.

I thought you could sing a little bit.

I think we're gonna call it
"Sally and William, sealed with a kiss."

- What do you think about that?
- I love that.

Yeah, I think everyone's gonna love that.

Hey, Omer?

Can I buy you a beer?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not drink.
But thank you.

Hey, do you ever wonder why you're doing
this whole competition thing for?

Only every day.

But then I think of my mother.

She loved all types of singing.

It keeps me going on.

When I was 10 years old,

I weighed 200 pounds.

- That is large.
- Yeah.

And I told myself I would lose 90 pounds
by the time I turned 14 or I would kill myself.

So I lost the weight.

And...

I suddenly was really popular.

I had a whole new group of friends.
I had this cute boyfriend.

Even my teachers liked me better.

And my mom and I
walked around the entire house

collecting all the pictures of me
when I was fat and burned them.

I love my mom.

So.

Good luck tomorrow.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm gonna have to destroy you.

Here is your chewing gum.

Remember, no blowing bubbles.

Is this really necessary?

Just a little bit higher. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, that's beautiful.
Give me a little bit more in here.

Take my moustache down a little bit, too.

My cousin's gonna be in the finale.

- William?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Omer's gonna go on first.

Then after Sally is done,
we're gonna hit you with a spotlight.

Then you're gonna go onstage
and do your proposal.

- Got it?
- Got it.

- All right.
- It's happening.

She's very excited.

It's a joyful moment. Joyful.

- Hi, Tweedy.
- Hi, Sally.

Just wanted to say good luck tonight.

Thank you.

Could you just give us
a quick second, please?

- Sure, no problem.
- Thank you.

So.

I think you're going to win.

Novelty contestants
never win the whole thing.

- That's why I've been helping him along.
- Thank you.

Hey, is something wrong?

No.

I mean, nothing beyond
the usual creeping dread.

All right. Well.
I'm sure you know at this point

that William is supposed to propose to me
on tonight's show.

Yeah.

Do you think it's bad of me to accept
a proposal from a man I don't love

in order to manipulate
people into voting for me?

"Bad." Such a nebulous word, isn't it?

You know what I think?
I think everyone wants something.

William wants you.

Why? Because he has this idea in his head
of what you are.

I don't think he cares if it's true or not,
just so long as he keeps his fantasy alive.

So I think he deserves what he gets.

- He deserves to be miserable?
- Why not?

You are, aren't you?

Despite your newfound fame and adulation?

Tweedy,

I sometimes feel like you're the only person
in the whole world who really gets me.

Yeah.

Sometimes I look at you
and I see my own reflection.

It's revolting.

And attractive.

Martin,

I'm not physically attracted to other people,
but if you want me,

I'm yours.

The problem is I find that whenever
I become intimately involved

with a woman I admire,

it rapidly degenerates into mutual loathing.

I don't want that to happen to us.

Having said that...

Omer, are you okay?

Great. Great. Just a little nervous, I guess.

- I just feel confused.
- About what?

About this country.

You know, there are
so many nice people here,

but it does so much harm in the world.

So?

So, to what degree is this country
culpable for its actions?

Are Americans to blame for America?
And beyond that,

can causing someone else to suffer
ever truly ease one's own suffering?

Omer! You're wigging out.
That bitch deserves to suffer!

What bitch?

Sally! Who are you talking about?

15 minutes, Omer.

Well, see, I think the dress works
'cause it flows nice.

The dress is gonna be a hit.

Hey, I'm gonna go run lines with Sally.

- Well, don't be long.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Mr President,
it's such an honour to have you here.

Happy to be here.

"Press here to explode yourself."

Where's Martin? Where the hell is Martin?
Has anybody seen Martin?

- He's in there.
- What the hell is he doing in there?

- What are you doing?
- This isn't pretty.

What?

- That's Sally and Mr Tweed?
- Yep.

- Are you seeing anybody?
- What?

It looks so much bigger on TV.

Hey, watch my foot, huh?

- So, do you feel filthy?
- Not really.

How do you feel?

It's weird.

- I don't actually loathe you.
- You, either.

Right. The President here yet?

Yeah!
How you doing, everybody?

How many Omer fans
do I have with me tonight?

Yeah!

And how many Sally fans do I have?
She can hear you in the back!

And now your host,
Martin Tweed!

That's Martin Tweed.

You're looking very good, sir. Very good.

Welcome, America.

Welcome, world. Welcome, everyone else.

- Boo!
- Boo!

We've been through so much together.

We've laughed. We've cried.
We've formed attachments.

And now, we're down to just two.

And to help me help you judge tonight,

we're welcoming a very special guest.

The President of this great country,

President Joseph Staton!

Thanks for having me on your show.

So.

What do you think of these
two great contestants, Mr President?

I think they exhibit
what's best about America.

- The spirit of resolve...
- The spirit of resolve

that makes this
the greatest country in the world.

They know what they want...

They know what they want
and they go out and get it.

All right.

- I'll be right back!
- Omer! Where are you going?

Where's that interference coming from?

Turn that frigging thing off!

And turn that frigging thing off!

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

America, Mr President,

without further ado, let me introduce
America's favourite Middle Eastern import,

Omer Obeidi!

Where the hell is he?

- I don't know where he is...
- I'm going on!

Go, Omer!

My wife loves this guy.

And now the end is near

That's a bad call. That's Frank's song.
People aren't gonna respond to that.

Bold choice of song.

My friends

I'll say it clear

I'll state my case

Of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I've travelled each

And every highway

But more, much more than this

I did it

My way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill

Mr President, what are you doing?

My share of losing

I'm getting a lot of feedback in this thing.

And now, as tears subside

I find it all

So amusing

To think

I did all that

And may I say

Not in a shy way

Oh, no

Oh, no, not me

I did it

My way

For what is a man?

What has he got?

If not himself

then he has naught

William Williams, you're a moron.

A moron. You stupid moron! Stupid moron!

And not the words

Of one who kneels

The record shows

I took the blows

And did it

My way

I love you, Mom.

He nailed it!

That's my cousin!

We're gonna stand up.

Omer, meet the President.

Nice to meet you, sir.

He's talking to him.

What'd you think of Omer tonight,
Mr President?

What did I think?

Mr President?

What did I think?

Mr President? Can you read me?

I think

I liked you.

Thank you, sir.

Go ahead.

Do it!

And I just want to say,

in terms of the Middle East,

that it looks like the problems over there
are never going to be solved.

What?

I mean never.

Never, never, never, never, never.

And so,

I'm sorry about that.

What the hell was that? I never said that!

Oh, Poopie.

Mr President?

I deeply hope,

for all of our sakes,

that you are wrong.

I hope so, too.

Nice singing.

Well...

On a brighter note,

we'll be back after a short break
with the enchanting Sally Kendoo.

And then you all will decide
who is the winner of American Dreamz.

That's it! Show is over!

What are you talking about?
There's another contestant.

Sorry, I'm taking my guy out!

Your guy, your guy just went
way off reservation!

Talk about depressing.
Half the audience want to shoot themselves!

And you, sir, are no Oprah!

I'd kind of like to see how Sally does.

All right, you. Where is the you-know-what?

And we're back
in three, two.

Get off the stage! Get off the stage!

We're back!

And now all the way from Padookie, Ohio,

America's newest sweetheart, Sally Kendoo!

Where the hell is William?
He's supposed to be up here.

I would like to dedicate this song
to someone very special in the audience,

my boyfriend.

William Williams!

What? No!

No, he's supposed to propose
after she sings!

- He's an idiot!
- Yeah.

Excuse me a moment.
This moron's missed his cue.

Let's all welcome Sally's sweetheart.

Decorated war veteran, William Williams!

I think, perhaps, William has something
he wants to ask Sally.

Sally?

Yes, William?

How could you do this to me?

How could I do what to you?

How could you sleep with Mr Tweed?

Whoa!

- Boo!
- Boo!

I'm serious.

Well, seriously, William,

I think it's common knowledge
I would never ever, ever, ever

sleep with a contestant
on American Dreamz.

I saw you through the keyhole.

He nailed her?

I guess you two think I'm stupid.

I guess you all think I'm stupid.

Well, I'll show you how stupid I am.

I'm going to blow myself up
with this bomb I found.

William, don't joke around
about something like that.

Oh, I am not joking!

What the fuck?

Great idea! On-air proposal, Chet Krogl!

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

Get back to your camera!
Get back to your camera!

Come back! Come back!

Get back to that camera!

Oh, no.

Mr Williams?

Mr Williams, do not do this.
It is not worth it.

Your death will not solve any problems.

It'll solve the problem
of me feeling miserable.

William? I'm the President.

I know who you are, sir.

Now, as your Commander in Chief,

I'm gonna have to ask you
not to blow yourself up.

Now, I've had dark days myself, William.

Days where I just wanted to lie in bed
and dream.

Never get up.

But I have come to think

that it is better to deal with reality,

no matter how unpleasant it is.

That's my guy.

No disrespect, sir.

But if I can't have Sally Kendoo
then I don't want to go on living.

William, wait...

Stay there! Stay there!

My American dream

Will come true for me

My American dream

For all to see

William! In here.

Every woman and man

Has their own destiny

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

What happened?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You won this thing. You won it.

Where are you going?

Listen, those three gentlemen right there.
They were the ones with the bombs.

You see? Back there, those three.
They were the ones with the bomb.

Go!

Mr President! Stop! Stop!

All right, everyone, please. Please, shut up.

It's starting.

Last season's finale was
the highest-rated show in television history,

as my boyfriend, William Williams,

suffering from hallucinations
caused by posttraumatic stress

tragically lost his life.

There was a silver lining, though,

as he was voted the surprise winner
of American Dreamz.

I know he would have been so thrilled.

Fellow runner-up, Omer Obeidi,

has been touring the country
with a repertory of Broadway hits.

Go, Greased Lightning
You're burning up the quarter mile

Greased Lighting
Go, Greased Lighting

Stop! Stop! Stop!

This isn't a hoedown!

Special guest judge,
President Staton,

recently returned
from a Mid-East fact-finding tour

with his new Chief of Staff.

You choose first, Poopie.

I guess I'll go for the newspapers first.

You take the intelligence reports
and summit briefing and then we'll switch.

And I have
some pretty big shoes to fill.

Welcome!

Welcome back to another season
of American Dreamz.

I am so excited to be your new host,
it's such a dream come true for me.

And I'd like to dedicate this season
to someone who was very special to us all.

The great Mr Martin Tweed.

We will miss you so very much.

But now, on to an exciting new season!

And here are your dreamers!