All language subtitles for trps

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(DRUMROLL)

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

♪ Yes, I ride the lightning,
yes, I'm on the go ♪

♪ And when I go down slow,
I need more power now ♪

♪ It keeps me damn lucky,
yes, I just won't stop ♪

♪ I'm lit to pop, oh, yes,
I got the power now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got a secret
that I'm gonna tell ♪

♪ I'm feeling power
from the pit of Hell, yeah ♪

(SIREN WAILING)

♪ The power's flowing
and it just won't stop ♪

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

♪ I touch a woman, make the
flesh burn hot, yeah ♪

♪ Want love to spread,
I think I'm gonna spread it ♪

♪ The secret's easy,
now lend me your ear ♪

♪ Don't hesitate,
there's not a thing to fear ♪

♪ Oh yes I ride the lightning,
yes I'm on the go ♪

♪ And when I go down slow
I need more power now ♪

(POUNDING)

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Do you know how fast
you were going?

No, I don't, Officer.

Turn that radio off, please.

That's not the radio.
That's the band practicing.

(SNIFFING)

Is that marijuana?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You got a party bowl up there?

Mm, nah.

It's okay, it's okay.
Is it good?

(STRAINED) Mm.

Yeah. Open it up!
I'm fucking boarding you!

DRIVER: 5-0!
5-0 coming on board.

Officer, you can't
just waltz on in here!

Do you know
who these guys are?

Unplug this shit right now.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

No way.

No fucking way.

♪ I got a secret
that I'm gonna tell ♪

♪ I'm feeling power
from the pit of hell, yeah ♪

♪ I got something to say ♪

♪ I think
I'm gonna say it ♪

Holy shit!

You guys are the highway cops

that got shut down
and became local cops.

Then due to some
kinda crazy "incident"...

you got kicked off
of that force,

so you started playing music.

And before you knew it,
you won America's Got Talent.

You're Cracklin' Bacon!

What a long,
strange trip it's been.

I love you guys! (CHUCKLING)

Oh, I gotta tell my partner.

He's not gonna believe this!
Okay, hold on.

- Dude, you gotta get over here right now.
- WAGNER: Copy.

He's gonna shit his pants.

MAC: You know what
would be hilarious?

When he comes on the bus,

kick him in the nuts
as hard as you can.

- Really?
- Just drill the guy!

What the hell
is going on in here?

- (GROANS)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(WAGNER COUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God!
You're Cracklin' Bacon!

You guys are my favorite band,
like, ever!

What? You didn't even know
who Cracklin' Bacon was...

until I played them
for you.

Yeah, I did!

Oh, really?
What's your favorite song?

"Pulled Pork."

- Yeah? How does it go then?
- Uh...

♪ I'm gonna eat you
like a pulled pork sandwich ♪

♪ Get inside your bread
like a hot steak Manwich ♪

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

This guy's got some pipes!

Hey, how would you like
to join Cracklin' Bacon?

We're looking
for a new lead singer.

Holy shit! (LAUGHING)

Yeah, oh, I can do it
better than him.

♪ I'm gonna eat you
like a pulled pork sandwich ♪

♪ Kung Fu you
like a Jackie Chan-wich ♪

- (ALL EXCLAIM)
- Not bad.

(LAUGHS)

You guys clearly
have the sound.

But do you have the moves?
Hit it.

(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

- Fist-pumps!
- (ALL CHEERING)

- Pelvic thrusts.
- (BOTH PUFFING)

Shake your tail feathers.

- Shake that ass.
- (ALL CHEER)

Now kiss each other.

I'm sorry. Come again?

Come on, rock and roll!
Rock and roll, baby!

WOMAN 1: Do it!
MEN: Kiss him!

(CHANTING) Kiss him! Kiss him!
Kiss him! Kiss him!

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHTER)

I knew
you were fucking with us.

You're fucking
with us, man!

All right, all right.
You guys clearly have

what it takes
for rock and roll.

But there's one more test
you gotta pass

before we let you
join Cracklin' Bacon.

We wanna know if you can
keep up with Juicy Lucy.

(ALL EXCLAIM TEASINGLY)

She looks
pretty juicy to me.

Oh, no, she's
in the back, okay?

But I warn you,
she can be quite a handful.

Let's go handle that!

ALL: (CHANTING) Juicy Lucy!
Juicy Lucy! Juicy Lucy!

About to get juicy up in here!

WOMAN 1: Hey, baby.

Hello, Juicy Lucy.

Oh, that's not Lucy.
Lucy's better.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, man!

Fellas, on the other side
of this door

is everlasting fame and glory.

You get the giney,
I'll get the hiney.

(BEEPS)

Say hello to Lucy! (YELLS)

(BOTH GROAN)

Move it or lose it!
It's time to cruise it!

Let's do it!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Motherfucker!

(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

- Son-of-a-bitch!
- Crap damnit!

We sang our hearts off
for those guys. Our hearts!

(SIREN WAILING)

THORNY: We got company.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

Can't outrun the law,
motherfucker!

♪ Don't hesitate,
there's not a thing to fear ♪

Fuck you, Cracklin' Bacon!

Whoa!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(OFFICERS SCREAMING)

Oh, shit!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Motherfucker.

Eat it. Eat it.
Eat it. Eat it.

(GUNSHOTS)

- (GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
- (SHOUTING)

Ah.

(ALL CHEERING)

Suck these
fucking bullets, bitch!

- (GUNSHOTS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

(GASPS AND WHIMPERS)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, shit! Mac. Hey,
stay with me. Stay with me.

(WHEEZING) We almost got
those stupid cops...

(CHUCKLES)

- ...to kiss.
- Shit.

(SCREAMING)

What's that?

What the...

Whoa! (YELLS)

(OFFICERS SHRIEKING)

Shit!

(SIGHS)

Hey.

I still love those guys.

Yeah, they're cool as hell.
(CHUCKLES)

I mean, look at him.

Still cool.

We should probably hide
that body, though.

Yeah.

Hey, great driving, Thorn!

Thorny? Thorny?

Oh, my God! He's dead!

- Oh, no!
- Ha-ha!

- Aha!
- I got you, motherfucker!

(LAUGHTER)

- I'm not dead! I'm alive!
- He's alive!

Look out!

Holy...

(ALL YELLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SHOUTS)

- Ahhh!
- (YELLING)

(SHOUTS MANIACALLY)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- (FARVA LAUGHS)
- (SIGHS)

You sleeping, baby boy?

No, I'm just checking out
the ceiling, Farva.

Good work up there.

All right, pull out your caulk
and let's go.

What?

Let's go! I'm standing here
with my caulk in my hand.

Grab your caulk,
let's put it in the holes!

Come on, let me see
that big caulk.

Oh, shut up.

Show me your Rabbit caulk!

MAC: You know
what's funny, Farva?

You've made that joke
400 times

and it still sucks.

Fuck you, Mac.

You don't talk to your
site supervisor like that.

That's one demerit
on your permanent record.

(GASPS)On my permanent
construction record?

That's right. You want
another one, keep it up.

Yeah, give me another
and I'll pinch your dick.

- That's two. You want to go for three?
- Okay.

Bingo! You got it!
You want another one?

- Pretty, pretty please.
- You got it!

- You want another one?
- I'll take them all!

That's seven!
You want another one?!

Give me ten!

Bingo!

Mac! Stop.

You mess with the bull,
you get covered in bullshit.

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

- What a tool.
- Yeah.

I had the craziest dream.

Who were the cops this time?

Stifler and Damon Wayans Jr.

Did they almost kiss?

Yeah. Yeah.
Almost got them to.

(COUNTRY MUSIC
RINGTONE PLAYING)

Uh, hello.

- Morning, Mac!
- Good morning, Uncle Argyle.

Code names? Is Farva nearby?

Oh, yeah. Spitting distance.

Do me a favor,
spackle his mouth shut.

MAC:
(LAUGHS) Okay, will do.

So, change of location for
this weekend's fishing trip.

Just over the Canadian border.

Oh, sweet! I love Canada.

(CHUCKLES) Good one!
I'll mail you the address.

- What, like with a stamp? Just text me.
- Text?

Oh, you mean like,
uh, mail text? Yeah.

I do believe I have
that facility on this phone.

Okay, will do.

That's it. I'm teaching you
how to text this weekend.

- No personal calls, Mac.
- What the fuck?

- Whoop.
- Oh, God damn it, Farva.

- I told you no personal calls.
- It was a sales call.

Oh, yeah?
What were they selling?

Ooh, was it canned salmon?
I love canned salmon.

It's better than tuna,
you know. It's a salty fish.

I like a salty fish.

Like a grouper
or maybe a branzino.

Something that really
jerks off your blood pressure.

You know what's salty? Turtle.
You ever had turtle before?

Saltiest part? The shell.

What do I have to say to get
you to end this conversation?

You could say,
"The guy on the phone

was trying to sell me
hard dicks."

The guy on the phone was
trying to sell me hard dicks.

I bet you bought
a baker's dozen. (LAUGHS)

Let's lay some caulk!

I got fresh caulk, everybody!
Hot caulk here.

Who wants caulk?

MAC: He really wants to leave
right from work, huh?

RABBIT: He said,
"Real men travel light."

(GRUNTING)

God, he looks ridiculous.

No, I think
he looks pretty cool.

Like the Brawny
Paper Towel Guy.

See, I was gonna say
the Bombay Paper Towel Guy.

- RABBIT: Hey, Thorn.
- MAC: Hey.

Job sucks.
It's all sap and splinters.

(MAC LAUGHS)

Now it smells like Bombay.

- You wanna put that shirt back on?
- Whew!

Breathe it in, little fella.

That's the smell
of a mountain man.

Right. Okay, what time you due
back at the hobo zoo?

- (LAUGHS)
- (SIREN CHIRPS)

Hey, hey!

What's up, guys?

Nice ride!

RABBIT: Hey, Chief.

Son of a bitch.

- Ta-da!
- MEN: Hey!

What's up, Foster?

He is all yours.

I'm tired of him riding
in my sidecar anyway.

That's not what
you said last night.

OFFICER (ON RADIO):
Chief, we have a 214

out at
the Shuck n' Rack Motel.

Officer needs guidance.

- I'll be right there.
- OFFICER (ON RADIO): Copy.

(SIGHS) I wish you guys
didn't get fired.

We weren't fired.
We were invited to resign.

- Ah.
- Ooh, I like that.

No, you were fired. There was
that ride-along gone wrong.

Then you were fired.

We'll just have to agree
to disagree.

All right.

Well, you fellas have fun.

Just get him back
in one piece, all right?

With the rod. I'm gonna
need it next weekend.

Hello!

That's my girl.

All right, boys,
let's go fishing.

THORNY: And the beauty is,
the black is so black

that it's really blue.

I mean,
it's really midnight blue.

Ah, just like
the old days, huh?

Driving around
the countryside,

listening to Thorny
talk about his dick.

- I miss the old days.
- RABBIT: That's bullshit, man.

That Fred Savage thing
was not our fault.

Actors shouldn't
do ride-alongs.

Actors shouldn't even
try to play cops.

I mean, (SCOFFS)
they never get it right.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hey, there.
- How you doin'?

Good. You boys here
for business or pleasure?

- Just going fishing.
- Good timing.

You'll be up to yer tits
in the walleye.

I caught one last week.
Was seven kilograms.

Is that big?

Is that big? That's like nine
decimeters from tip to tail.

- You a jigger man?
- What did you call me?

Well, I like to use
the jigger rod

for when I'm catching
the walleye.

But of course
when you're doing that

you gotta run extra light.

Unless you're someone like
you there in the back.

- What are you, a bodybuilder?
- (CHUCKLES) No.

What do you bench?
Wait, don't tell me.

I don't want you
to embarrass me.

- But I would like two tickets to your gun show. (LAUGHS)
- FOSTER: Ah, okay.

You guys are good to go.
Sorry to hold ya up.

- Let them go!
- MAC: Thanks! Take her easy.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
Typical Canadian hardass.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) "Sorry.
I'm really sorry. Sorry."

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, so sorry."

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) Hey,
fellas, any chance you can

come over to the house later
and play some Sorry?

MAC: Sure.
How about nine o'clock?

THORNY: Ooh,
nine o'clock doesn't work.

- Sorry about that.
- (LAUGHTER)

MAC (IN NORMAL TONE):
French ones are the worst. Ha!

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Would you
like some ratatouille

with your pain du chocolat?

Oui, oui! I'm gonna get
some jambon et fromage.

(LAUGHTER)

THORNY: This can't be it.

MAC: Well, this is the address
Cap sent me.

Although he did just learn
how to text.

Now what would compel somebody

to throw a tire
up on the roof?

FOSTER: What, you never played
"Throw the Tire on the Roof"?

MAC: (LAUGHS)
No, is that the kind of shit

you guys played in Rutland?

FOSTER: Sure. Never got
"tired" of that game.

(FLIES BUZZING)

FOSTER: Uh, we are
in the wrong place.

O'HAGAN:
No. You're in the right place.

MAC: What's the deal
with the creepy,

remote shithole, Cap?

You gonna make us put
the lotion in the basket?

No, I've got a surprise
for you.

I didn't tell you up front
'cause you tend to be

a bunch of
wide-mouth bassholes.

Well, then, why don't you let
me reel in these fish, John?

THORNY:
Governor Jessman?

Hey, I didn't see
the motorcade.

- We're keeping my visit quiet.
- Mm.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, Cappy, you dirty dog.

Show some respect, Mac!

Sorry.

I'm here
on official business.

We've got
an intriguing situation

going on in these parts.

JESSMAN: With all the heat
on immigration these days,

the U.S. has been
going through

a border reassessment.

It turns out that some
of the original stone markers

that delineated
America from Canada,

weren't where
we thought they'd be.

Here is where the border was.

But here is where
we found the stone markers.

So this town,
St. Georges du Laurent,

and the area surrounding it,

are actually on American soil.

So we're going to war?

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) Ah, gee,
that'd be a quick one, eh?

(ALL LAUGH)

No. After negotiations,

they've agreed
to turn the land over.

Vermont's about to get

- a little more head room.
- RABBIT: Hm.

So, it was up to me to find

a temporary police force
to help with the transition.

A group of officers
familiar with the border area,

experienced in patrolling
a stretch of highway.

Guys who maybe caught a bad
break the last time around?

So, you fellas want
a crack at your old jobs?

(ALL CHEERING)

Easy, you hooligans!
I'm a senior citizen!

And if this two-week
assignment goes well,

I might be able
to make it permanent.

Trust us. It'll go well.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm one of the cops.

We picked him up
outside of Home Depot.

Fantastic.

You'll be phasing out
a Canadian Mountie unit.

We lined up a meet and greet
with them tomorrow.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Oh, yeah!

I wanted to make sure you had
your full team back,

so I tracked down
your other guy too.

(SIGHS) No fucking way.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh, no.

Sorry I'm late.
Hit a moose doing 90.

- Vaporized the beyotch!
- (O'HAGAN SIGHS)

FARVA: You know they have
Eskimo hookers up here?

When they have sex,
they really get "Inuit".

(LAUGHS) Pelé!

(GROANS)

MAC:
God damn it.

Farva, you fuck.

Back in business!

- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (TRIMMER WHIRRING)

Bullshit! Who ordered these?
I can't feel my tits!

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey!

Desk buddies, guy?

Are you positive
you want to quit your old job?

I mean,
Construction Supervisor.

And give up the chance
to crack some Canuck melons?

I don't think so, bro-haim.

♪ Welcome to the Fart Zone ♪

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- FOSTER: Body armor, check.

Tactical flashlights. Why not?

Ooh, heat vision goggles.
Check.

Why would we need those?

Uh, we're in Canada now,
Rabbit.

What if we have to find
somebody in the snow?

Uh, there is snow in Vermont.

Okay,
I'm the "order stuff" guy.

You do your thing. All right?

Okay.

One yellow safety vest
for Rabbit.

Woo! A roving
GPS triangulator.

Triangulator? Get a load
of James Bond over here.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Another yellow safety vest
for Thorny.

FARVA: Thorn, Thorn, Thorn,
Thorn, Thorn, Thorn.

Ram. Rod. Ram. Rod. Ramrod.
You're out, he's in.

Okay.

O'HAGAN:
Hey, place looks great!

MAC: What have you
been cleaning, Cap?

I'll clean your clock
if you don't watch out.

Okay, let's get started.

Don't push it, Mac.

Get started
doing some pullovers?

No, we're not doing
your pullovers.

Everything will be
by the book.

Everything!

Cap, you know how hard
I worked on this thing?

Big face, big mustache.

I don't care how big
your face is. Shave it!

FARVA:
Cap, Cap, Cap, Cap!

I'm good, right?

I got a tight mouth-muff.
(EXHALES)

- Talk about big faces.
- That's face-ism, Cap.

Not regulation! Shave it!

Right! Let's go
and see some Mounties.

(CHUCKLES) Remember the three
B's: Best Behavior, Boys.

Hey.

- How's it going?
- Feels like 1983 in here.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
Oh, there they are.

I am Mayor Guy LeFranc.

Mayor of Saint Georges
du Laurent, Canada!

Or, as it's about to be known:

St. George of Lawrence,
America. (CHUCKLES)

I don't know. I'm not so good
with American. Welcome.

Uh, the Guy LeFranc?

From the Montreal Canadiens
Minor League system?

The leading scorer
of the Halifax Bear Eaters?

Eighth most points
in CHL history.

Yeah, I know. Two points
behind Shotti Fitznugly.

Look at this guy!

I love hockey.

Your nickname, um,

don't tell me,
it was, uh, "The Explosion".

"The Halifax Explosion."

Named after
the single greatest

man-made explosion
before Hiroshima.

It was 1917,

ship laden with dynamite

crashed into another ship
in Halifax Harbor.

Tremendous explosion
and loss of life.

Burned people's eyes out
with the blast.

Many were blinded
by the light.

Like the song says.

And a First Nations tribe
was lost.

Probably would've
happened to them anyway,

- but it kind of moved up the timetable, eh?
- (ALL AGREE)

So, I am the second biggest
explosion from Halifax.

But enough about me.

Meet the Mounties. Guys!

Guys, come on over here.

This here is Sergeant Major
Roger Archambault.

This is Staff Sergeant Major
Henri Podein,

and Sergeant
Christophe Bellefuille.

Total gobbledygook.

I'm John O'Hagan.
This is Rod Farva,

Robbie Roto, Carl Foster,
MacIntyre Womack

and Arcot Ramathorn.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(MOUNTIES LAUGH)

(IN ENGLISH) I'll let
you guys chew the cud.

Why don't we go fuck off
to the other room here?

- Yeah, sure.
- (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'm gonna get a Schlitz!
That's American for beer.

So, you do guys
ride horses or...

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
Yeah, this isn't 1957.

We drive Crown Victorias.

Hey, us too.
You get a little soup in them,

they can really rip
your knob off. Am I right?

(SPITS)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
We hear about you guy, heh?

Because first, you get your
highway station shut down.

And then, you get kick out

from your second job
because of this, uh,

Fred Savage thing.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
"Savage."

(IN NORMAL TONE) Makes it
sound intriguing, at least.

BELLEFUILLE (IN CANADIAN ACCENT):
So, what are you going to do here?

Go for the hat trick?

(MOUNTIES LAUGHING)

Well, we're actually hoping
to hold on to these jobs.

(TROOPERS CHUCKLE)

What are you guys
doing after the turnover?

Oh, they're transferring us
up to Labrador City.

- Oh!
- Cool.

BELLEFUILLE:
It's cool, all right.

Average winter temperature
is minus 18 degrees Celsius!

Yeah, all you have
to do to convert

is times two, add 32 and join
the rest of the human race.

Hey, Rookie,

they got non-alcoholic Molsons
over here.

Want me to get you
a half carafe? (LAUGHS)

Oh, we got a rookie there?
They shave your nuts yet?

Canadian tradition says
you got to shave

the rook's nuts,
otherwise it's bad luck.

- You don't say?
- Bad luck?

I'm actually not a rookie...

Which one of you guys
has least seniority?

- (TROOPERS MUMBLE)
- I mean, technically I...

(CHUCKLES)
Shave this guy ball!

Come on,
shave both of his ball.

(MOUNTIES COAXING)

- Shave your ball, your dick.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello,
hello! Welcome to Canada.

I'm Genevieve Aubois,

Cultural Attaché
of Saint Georges du Laurent.

I will see that
things go smoothly

in the next few weeks.

And please,
if you have any questions,

don't hesitate to ask.

(SMACKS LIPS)

Keep heading north,
big fella.

You don't look at the mantel when you're
poking the fire, you know what I'm saying?

- Right, guys? You know what I'm saying, right?
- Jesus, Farva.

(FARVA LAUGHS)

GENEVIEVE: Okay.

Well, they are waiting for us
in the other room.

So, please, suivez-moi.

Who is waiting where?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MARCHING DRUMS PLAYING)

Boy, I didn't know the whole
town was gonna be here.

(MIC FEEDBACK)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's about my
mustache, right?

They're laughing
at my mustache?

Please, let's give a big
Canadian welcome

to the Vermont Highway Patrol.

(CROWD BOOING)

GUY:
Hey, hey, everyone!

Come on, guys.
They've come up here

to tell us how great
it's gonna be

for all of us
to become Americans.

So, let them speak. Captain?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

- Bonsoir.
- (MIC FEEDBACK)

You know, this reminds me
of the story of the rabbi,

the priest,
and the Hindu in a canoe.

WOMAN: Go blow yourself!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm Captain John O'Hagan. I...

Yeah, eat it, you old donkey!

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, easy.
Hey, look, look.

Technically,
we're all Americans, right?

North Americans.

Very little is gonna change
around here.

Oh, yeah, right!
You're probably gonna tell us

we can't listen
to Rush anymore!

Or the Barenaked Ladies!

- (ANGRY CHATTER)
- Hey. Hey. Hey!

People, people.

I love Rush
and the Barenaked Ladies.

You should listen to both.

So, you are telling us
who to listen to!

No, no. I'm just...

And then that one's
gonna tell us

we have to start
eating tortillas!

- FOSTER: It's a common mistake.
- MAN 1: Bullshit!

Hey! Listen up.

This is America now.
Like it or lump it!

Repeat after me:

I pledge of allegiance
to the flag

of the United States
of America.

Learn the words!

Learn the words!

Fuck you!

- (GROANS)
- (CROWD CLAMORING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

MAN 2: You don't even know
how to play hockey!

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

I didn't think they'd see us
as an occupying force.

Oh, my God!
Your eye.

That might leave a scar.

I was looking
too pretty anyway.

(CHUCKLES)

I can sew you up at my car.

You're a doctor?

No, no. I coach
the girls' hockey team,

so I know my way
around a gash.

Are you making a...

Oui . A double entendre
for la vagine.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Let's go, quickly!

THORNY: I thought Canadians
are supposed to be harmless.

Oh, come on.
Cut them some slack.

They're upset
about losing their identities.

They called you an old donkey.
Doesn't that piss you off?

Well, I don't love it.

Actually, I didn't sleep
at all last night.

But we got a job to do.

- Rabbit, how's your head?
- It's okay.

That, uh... Genevieve,
she, uh, patched me up.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, please!

Frenchy had her eyes
on my thighs all night long.

- Yeah.
- Did she, now?

FARVA: Oh, yeah?
Keep laughing.

I bet you a buck I bang
the crêpe out of her first.

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- Okay.

Put your money
where your mouth's been.

Fuck the buck.
Loser sits on a cactus.

No, loser gets a perm.

No, loser cuts his
pinky-toe off with a shovel.

Take that bet.

- I suggest you take the bet, Rabbit. Really, honestly.
- Jump on it.

Please shut up, Farva.

Okay. We have a deal.

You heard it, right?
We have a deal.

Oh, so, this is where they
keep the illegal aliens, huh?

- (BELLEFUILLE CHUCKLES)
- Ah, welcome, Officers!

Welcome to the guys
who stood around

while people threw
hockey pucks at us?

You gonna
come up here talking

all that
"Make America Great" crap,

you're bound to catch a face
full of Canadian tomato.

O'HAGAN: Okay, okay.
Listen up.

Two of you are gonna ride
with the Mounties.

They'll show you where
the bodies are buried.

- BOTH: Not it.
- Actually, it is you two.

(CHUCKLES)

It's not our idea
of a good time either, fellas.

Personally, I'd rather
fuck a moose.

You would need a ladder
to do that.

Obviously, I would need
a ladder to fuck a moose.

But I would find one,
and I would fuck that moose.

O'HAGAN:
Okay!

Thorny, Rabbit,
I got a highway job for you.

Let's do it!

FARVA:
Hey, Cap? Cap?

Whose car do I ride in?

Why don't you
stay here with me?

Sit over here.

That's the radio, though.

Great idea!

That way, if a call comes in,
you can answer it.

Huh?

(O'HAGAN VOCALIZING)

Okay, just today, though,
okay?

Everyone takes a turn.
It's a new station.

(SIGHS)

Fuckin' radio.

What the fuck is this shit?

I mean, it's not gonna
kill him, is it?

I don't know. Do you
want it to kill him?

BELLEFUILLE:
Allons-y!

- (HORN HONKS)
- (SHOUTS IN FRENCH)

Just a minute!

Just a, uh...

What's Canadian
for "minute"?

(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

Ah.

There they are. Okay.

Hm.

(GULPING)

Are you swallowing
M&M's whole?

Yeah. The green ones
make me horny.

Why don't you chew them first?

(SCOFFS) They all go
to the same place, right?

(SIGHS)

FOSTER: (ON RADIO) Hey, Farva,
can I get a radio check?

- (CRACKLING)
- (YELPS)

(GROANS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why did you shock
your buddy, buddy?

(LAUGHING)

You know, every job has that
one guy that you love to hate.

Yeah, obnoxious. Oafish.

Oh, yeah, you mean like
your typical American?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Still waiting
on that radio check.

- (CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMS)

FARVA:
Fuckin' shit!

This is an awesome assignment.

Oh, come on, it's great.
Outside. On duty.

Hey, what's 80 kilometers
per hour in English?

I guess
49.7097 miles per hour.

Uh, I don't think
we have any decimals.

- Do you have a Sharpie?
- Uh, no.

FARVA: Unit 23. Come in, 23.
Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Radio, until the turnover,
we have to keep things metric.

So we are now Unit 37.015.
Try again.

Whatever.

I got a call out
on Rue de Autoroute 77

or some
Frère Jacques bullshit.

There's a gaggle of dead
Canadian Geese on the road.

Yeah, up here, they just
call them geese, Radio.

Yeah, well, in two weeks,
I call them American Geese.

Honk, honk. Go clean them off.

That's a big 16.09-6436,
good buddy.

Ah, ya,
there's the Pancake Shed.

And that's the Flapjack's.

Oh, there on the right,

that's Gigi's Bait,
Tackle and Pancakes.

- But they're really known more for their waffles.
- Yeah, they are.

Sounds like the Queen
must really love pancakes.

What's that supposed to mean?

FOSTER: Aren't you guys still
ruled by the Queen of England?

I mean, she's
all over your money.

BELLEFUILLE:
I'll have you know that

we achieved
our independence in 1982.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- MAC: 1982.
- (FOSTER CHUCKLES)

- Did Wham! perform at the ceremony?
- (LAUGHS)

Maybe if we had
our independence sooner,

we'd have no gun control,
not believe in evolution

and all be morbidly obese
without healthcare.

BELLEFUILLE: Why don't you
pull in right up here?

Time for you to meet
the local business owners.

Escorts?

BELLEFUILLE:
Here we are, boys.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GREETS IN FRENCH)

Are we here
to bust up a cat-house?

PODEIN: You can't arrest
people for having boners.

It's legal up here, Yank.

A hockey-themed,
dual-sex bordello.

Do we have that in the U.S.?

I don't know,
but put me in, Coach.

Oh, oh! Look who it is!
It's the fuzz.

The Mayor hangs out
in a bordello?

No, the Mayor
own the bordello.

Here you go, boys.

How about a beer and a tug?
On the house.

- Hey!
- Oh, uh...

Uh, maybe later.

Oh, I understand.
Scram, girls.

- How's it going, eh?
- Yeah, no, no. Maybe later.

You guys!

You don't like women,
you don't like men.

I mean, what should I get, a
river beaver to pleasure you?

It's a joke. Their teeth are so
sharp, it would be horrible.

How can I help you fellas?

Oh, the Yanks want to talk
about their U.S. laws.

You know,
like serving weaker beer

and shutting down brothels.

Shutting down
brothels?

Who put you up to this?

Was it Jean-Paul
down at Chez Poontang?

Huh?
You guys pulling my chain?

Look, I don't think
this is anything

we need to get
too hung up on right now.

I can't believe
down in the States,

it's illegal to have a beer
and enjoy tits and a dick.

I mean, beep beep!

- There's no harm there.
- Oh. Uh...

(IMITATING PUNCHING BAG)

- Good workout, eh?
- Wow.

Honestly, Guy, we're not
here to lay down any laws.

We're very sorry if there's
been a misunderstanding.

- "We're sahrry?" "Sahrry."
- (LAUGHTER)

(CROWD MIMICS MAC MOCKINGLY)

I'm sorry,
but that sounds stupid.

- So sahrry.
- Sahrry.

It's funny. I know.

And what exactly
is your beef with our beer?

Oh, I don't have
any problem with the beer.

I mean, I think the limit in the U.S.
is what, nine percent?

Nine percent? How are you
supposed to get drunk?

I mean, you know,

I think the idea is you drink
more of the weaker stuff.

I bet it is.

You Americans drinking
and eating everything.

- Oh, no, you shouldn't.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) So fat.

How about a little help
over here, huh?

Yeah, I don't think we have
jurisdiction here anymore, buddy.

Okay, all right.

It's not like we're here to
"screw you" out of your rights.

Darn tootin' you're not.

Okay, look, relax.

Go away, you American pigs!

(CROWD SHOUTING ANGRILY)

- WOMAN: Go home!
- Oh!

Take it easy.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Sorry about that.
It was an accident.

(GRUNTING)

♪ Round and round ♪

MAN:
Get out of here!

- (GRUNTING)
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Get the fuck off me.

Fuck you, motherfuckers.
Fuck you!

(CROWD CHEERING)

- DRIVER: Vermont sucks, eh!
- RABBIT: Thank you.

See you later, sunshine!

- BOTH: Stupid Americans!
- RABBIT: Cheerio!

Okay, this job isn't as fun
as I thought it was.

Arrogant American!

The whole world's metric.
What's your problem, eh?

Just doing our job, sir.

You're 185 centimeters tall,

you weigh 92 kilogram.
Get used to it!

Okay.

Your authority don't mean
cheese up here.

I can't tell if he's
calling me skinny or fat.

FOSTER: (ON RADIO)
Officers requesting assistance

at the L'Explosion Bordello
on Route Four.

We are under assault
by hookers.

Lots of them. Male and female.

Copy, 91.
We'll be right there.

Just as soon as we
finish taking selfies

with the Victoria's Secret
Blow Job Team.

I'm not kidding, Thorny!
There's too many of them.

Will you get your dick
out of my face!

I just... I got glitter!

Glittering and...
Glittering and...

I love it.
It's like we never left.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What the hell?
Remote driver?

Ghost car?

We drilled that sign!

They're kids.

Give me those keys.

Ow! No biting,
you little shitsky!

What's your name, kid?

Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!

Where did you get the car?

- Suck it, cop!
- (GROANING)

Holy Christmas.

Oh, my God.

They're all hopped up
on goofballs.

You can't catch me!
(YELLING)

I'm gonna get my
bean bag gun!

Show me where you got these

and I'll let you
play with my Taser.

Ooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

THORNY:
We gotta be careful.

This is the kind of image
that could go viral.

There!

(KIDS GRUNTING)

All right. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, boys.

(KIDS YELLING)

Stay! Stay.

- What's up, Soapy?
- (WHISTLES)

More pills?

Did Apple change their logo?

THORNY:
What have we here?

(SNIFFS)
Cubans.

Must make you feel
right at home.

Good one.

KID:
Pills, pills, pills!

THORNY:
Oh, boy.

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Viva la revolución, baby!

- Ay, ay, ay!
- FARVA: Ugh.

You ever hear
of the Cuban Embargo?

That embargo
is yesterday's news.

Not for me it isn't.

That's like sucking
Castro's cold wrinkled dick.

Cuban cigars,

counterfeit iPhones
and unmarked pills.

We got something here.

You boys stumbled
on quite a booty closet.

A what now?

Booty. Contraband.

What? They don't say
"booty" anymore?

- Not really, no.
- Nah.

Canadian counterfeit iPhones?

We should call them
"A"-Phones, eh? Right?

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING)

(CELL PHONES RINGING)

They all have the same number?
That's a rip-off.

So, what pills do we have?

Not sure.

Five different kinds.
None of them have markings.

Send them to the lab.

I tried! The U.S. lab said
send them to the Canadian lab.

The Canadian lab said,

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, ya, hey there.

"Send 'em over
to the U.S. lab there."

Maybe the Mounties
have some pull?

- Boo!
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Fuck the Mounties!

- Fuckin' Canada.
- Fuck that.

For all we know,
this was the Mounties.

Easy on the local cop
conspiracies.

We'll solve
this case ourselves.

I'll put a call
out to Montpelier,

see if they can
line up a lab for us.

Wah, wah!
I don't need some nerd

in a lab coat
to tell me what this shit is.

(EXCLAIMS, CRUNCHING)

Sometimes even
I've gotta hand it to you,

you weird son of a bitch.

But why is it that
you chew a pill

yet you swallow M&M's whole?

I'm a complicated guy, Mac.
(CHEWS GUM)

Okay. All right.

See you boys
in the Renaissance Period.

Huzzah!

(ALL GULPING)

(MOANING)

(DRAWLING)
Can't move.

My mouth's dry.

What do you think,
like a heavy barbiturate?

Maybe a muscle relaxant?

You really can't move?

I'm numb. I'm totally numb.

- (SMACKS LIPS)
- MAC: Okay.

What are you doing?

- (GROANS)
- Oh!

Fuck you, Mac.
I need medical attention.

Side effects may include
fatness and irritability.

I think it's a mood enhancer.

(GROANS)
God damn it.

- I know I'm in a better mood.
- (ALL LAUGH)

Do we have
any more fly strips?

I want to make him a headband.

FOSTER: ♪ Three little
maids from school are we ♪

♪ Pert as a school-girl
well should be ♪

♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪

♪ Three little maids
from school ♪

- That's gotta be speed, right?
- Absolutely.

Wow. You seem kinda wired.

I'm just psyched
to be back on the job!

URSULA: Yeah, okay, well,
I knew you would be.

Ooh, did I tell ya the oth...

Oh, yeah, I got,
I got a triangulator.

Why would you
need a triangulator?

Why does everyone
keep saying that?

- To triangulate, baby!
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, how come we never
go dancing anymore?

When I get home, we're
gonna go fuckin' dancing.

Okay. I can't wait.

(HUFFING)

FARVA: Rabbit, get
me some lemonade.

Rabbit. Get me
some lemonade, please.

(GRUNTING)

Get me some
goddamn lemonade, rookie!

Don't you call me rookie,
you fucker!

I will fucking put my fist
right through your head!

- I'm thinkin' 'roids.
- Absolutely.

How about you?
You feel anything?

Wet mouth. Sweaty palms.

Moist ear canals. And I'm
just feeling emotional.

- Hm. Okay.
- (TYPING)

I think you took
a Canadian female

sexual enhancement drug
called Flova Scotia.

"Made in Canada,
but banned in the U.S."

(MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP)

FEMALE NARRATOR:
When the time is right,

but you're not.

Flova Scotia, eh?

Side effects may include

wet mouth, sweaty palms,
damp ears, moist groin,

varicose breasts, hair loss,
queefing, and bitchiness.

Flova Scotia, eh?

You can say "queefing"
on Canadian TV?

Ha! What a country!

What about you?
You're awful smiley.

I'm on acid.

Pharmaceutical acid?
Is there such a thing?

Don't know. But I do know
you have exactly

1,509 hairs in your mustache.

Close! 1,521. I had them
counted for my birthday.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah!

(LAUGHS) I don't know
what to believe, Thorn!

- Okay.
- FARVA: Don't you do that.

I'm really looking
forward to this.

Well?

You guys come up
with anything?

Indeed we have some
very interesting leads.

Some of them
from that computer!

I think that we are
on top of this case.

RABBIT: We're gonna
find out who did this

and we're gonna stomp in
their stupid fucking faces!

Okay.

Well, the shack's a dead end.

It's on abandoned land owned
by a defunct mining company.

So, anyone could have
put the booty out there.

(LAUGHS)

Why you laughing, Guy Smiley?

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAC LAUGHS)

Okay, if we
stake out the shack

maybe we can catch
someone coming or going.

Let's get back out there.

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

Farva, hit the radio.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(GONG RINGS)

O'HAGAN: (DISTORTED)
You hearing this?

Come on! Hit the radio!

Farva! Come on!

(GIGGLING)

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Uh-oh.

Woo-hoo!

I love grass!

I love life!

I love music!

RABBIT: Think puppies,
not steroids.

Think puppies, not steroids.

Smiling. Puppies.

(EXHALES)

Whew!

Bunnies! Bunnies!

Hi, bunny. Hi.

Rabbit. My name's Rabbit.
Oh, so cute little thing.

Bub, bub, bub, bub.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(LOUDLY)
Just stay there!

(PETS WHIMPERING)

- (CHAIRS WHIRRING)
- Feel the steroids melting away.

(MOANS)

Don't let the job
stress you out.

I love the job.

Doesn't stress me out.
Farva stresses me out.

Such a shame.

Why are the good-looking ones
always so obnoxious?

You think he's good-looking?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

"The bigger the cushion,
the better the pushing."

- No.
- (CHUCKLES) No.

(LAUGHS)

I would rather have sex
with a baboon.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's funny though, huh?

We all have that one
horrible person we work with.

For me, it's my office manager
Lonnie Laloush.

Oh, he can be
such a "deeckwad".

- (CHUCKLES)
- What?

It's just with your accent,

the way you say "dickwad"
is adorable.

No, but it's true.
He is a deeckwad.

(LAUGHS)

(BELLEFUILLE SPEAKS FRENCH)

First you steal our job

and now you sit here

gazing lovingly
into the eyes of our women.

Your women?

Well, maybe we should
take him in the back,

give him
Canadian handshake, eh?

What's that?

Let's just say it involve
a bag of hockey puck

and a lot of warm gravy.

Mm. Sounds delicious.

- (HORN BLARES)
- FARVA: Make way!

Hot soup coming through!

Oh, Canadian standoff, huh?

Oh, it look like
professor Stephen Hawking

has really let himself
go these days.

(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)

(MIMICS LAUGHTER)

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE)
When God created Canada,

it was like
the universe farted.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Why do all the fat one
always ride around

on these little scooters?

You ever stop and think
that if you walk,

you might actually be thin?

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Wow.

These pigs are harassing
the handicapped!

Everybody look.
Take a phone video!

- MAN: Hey! Leave him alone!
- Hey! This it is far from over.

- You want to go to TJ's Arcade?
- Oui.

I have some loonie
I need to break.

C'est bon.

(MUMBLES MOCK FRENCH)

Fuckin' Frenchies.

What are you two doing together?
Mall walking?

We ran into each other
at the pet store.

(CHUCKLES) Rabbit.
You shopping for a new gerbil?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Hey, Gwenevieve
how about the two of us

go over to
the Saskatchuan Palace

and get a wang dang doodle?
(CHUCKLES)

Uh, non.

Ooh, woof woof. Put a little
bark on that and I'll bite.

(SCOFFS)
Okay, I'm going to go.

It was great seeing you.

Don't leave on my account.
(CHUCKLES)

Uh-huh! Cocky, huh?

How about we up the bet?

There is no bet, Farva.

Okay, new bet then.

Loser not only cuts off
his pinky toe with a shovel,

he puts it in a blender

and drinks it in a smoothie,
toenail and all.

- (SCOFFS)
- Come on.

Shake it, don't mistake it.

You're serious?

Serious as a heart attack.

And I should know.
I've had two.

(SCOOTER BEEPING)

- Wow.
- FARVA: Pinky toe smoothie!

(LAUGHS)

- Somebody clean this up.
- (HORN HONKS)

Son of a bitch.

Hey!

Heat goggles have arrived!

Looking hot, Mac.

Hey, nickel plated cuffs!

Oh, shit.
These things are defective.

What's wrong with them?

They don't seem to lock.

Here. Let me see.

Here you go, Rabbit,
give me that hand.

- THORNY: I got mine to work.
- FOSTER: Maybe it's this one.

- Okay.
- Oh, yeah, that works. Okay, good.

Try the ankle ones.

THORNY: Oh, you always gotta
check the ankle ones.

FOSTER:
That's the most important.

And here we go.

(CHUCKLES)
You son-a-bitches.

You're not shaving my balls!

It would be an insult to our
Canadian hosts if we didn't.

I'm not a rookie anymore.
Get these off me.

Do you not want to be
an ambassador of goodwill?

No. I don't. Get these off me.

Rabbit, it's not like
we want to shave your balls.

Thorny, do you want
to shave his balls?

- Me? Hell no.
- Foster?

- No way.
- You don't wanna shave his balls, do you, Farva?

Hell yeah, I do!

I even went out and bought

one of those
old-timey straight razors.

- No. No.
- Check this out.

- (CRACKLING)
- (SHRIEKS)

FARVA:
Jesus!

Goddamn Canadian wiring!

It's wrecking
my freakin' sperm count!

(FARVA GROANS)

Are you still taking
the Flova Scotia?

What part of
"side effects include

"queefing and bitchiness"
did you not understand?

Dude, the orgasms are
like a moonshot. (CHUCKLES)

You can't keep taking
female hormones.

It's gonna mess you up.

Jealous much?

Now who are you
orgasming with?

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
Her name is Quebecois Debbie.

Oh, Thorny, your cock,
she is so wide.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
- I'd fuck her.

(SCOFFS)

- Okay, let's shave this.
- Don't.

(BEAR GRUNTS)

THORNY:
Ready?

Seriously,
cut the crap, guys.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

- O'HAGAN: Ahem!
- (FOSTER CLEARS THROAT)

There's a bear in the station.

Is that a euphemism
for something?

It's a euphemism for
there's a goddamn bear

eating slabs of raw meat
in the goddamn station!

(BEAR GROWLING)

- Yeah. Bear.
- Okay.

Where are the guns?

In the room with the bear.

Tear gas grenades?

- I just got a new delivery!
- There you go! Where is it?

In the room
with the guns and the bear.

What if we send Rabbit
out to fuck the bear

as a means
of distracting said bear?

- Yes.
- God damn it,

we've got to get
the meat out of there!

Fine, fuck it. I'll do it.

- I'll go with you.
- Really?

Yeah. What's the worst
that could happen?

You get mauled by the bear.

Or that bear
could get mauled by me.

- You ever think about that?
- No, I didn't.

Okay, here's the plan:

I'll go out there
and distract the bear,

while you get the meat

and get it the hell
out of the station.

Team Ram-Rod!

Please don't start
with that shit.

(SNORTS)

FOSTER:
Good luck, fellas.

(WHISPERS) Okay.
You stay here.

Big boy. Hey, big boy!

(WHISTLES, CAWING)

(GRUNTS)

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.

Come here, Ditka.
Come here. Come here, boy!

(WHISPERS) Go, go, go.

- Come on!
- (GROWLS)

Come on! Come on!

- Come, come!
- (ROARS)

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Fuck you, bear.

- (GROWLING)
- Shit.

Shit.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

THORNY:
Go, go, go, go!

(WHIMPERING)

(SNARLS)

♪ Big bear ♪

(GRUNTING)

♪ Got a chest like a rug ♪

Oh, shit.

♪ He don't take no guff,
he's Big Bear ♪

Hey. Hey.

Get out of there. Stop.

- Should I shoot him?
- Who? Farva?

Ooh, good idea.

No, no! No, no, no.

(WHIMPERS)

(GROWLS)

Go away!

(SHRIEKING)

ALL: Oh!

- Get away, bear.
- (GROWLS)

♪ Come on, give
a bear a hug ♪

Go! Go! Go!

Get out of here. Fuck.

(ALL CHEERING)

Holy shit,
I "bear-ly" made it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That could've been "grizzly".

- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- Yeah.

I think someone took
a "growler" in here.

- Shoot him.
- (COCKS GUN)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER IN CAR)
- MAC: Fuckin' Mounties!

Son of a bitch!

Those guys have been assholes
since the moment we arrived

and now they are
trying to kill us.

This goes a lot farther
than just being angry

about losing their jobs.

Cap, we've been
pelted by hockey pucks,

had dicks tugged
in front of our faces

and gotten our asses kicked
by prostitutes of both sexes.

I think it's time we had
our own fun. Who's with me?

- (ALL CHEER)
- Yeah! Let's go!

Dude, you fuckin' stink.

Sorry.

Guys! Guys! Anyone?

The shaving cream
is starting to burn.

Did you use menthol?!

FEMALE NARRATOR: Hair loss,
queefing and bitchiness.

Flova Scotia, eh?

Fuckin' rights.
It's the same guy, bud.

No, no, no. It's
a different guy, that guy, eh.

Yeah, no!
That's Danny DeVito!

(GRUNTS) Danny DeVito
is the actor from Taxi,

but that guy I like,

he come out on Always
Sunny in Philadelphia's.

Bud, they're the same guy.

How many 145-centimeter actors
do you think there are?

They're both Danny DeVito!

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

No, Danny DeVito
Taxi long time ago.

But this producer
from Always Sunnys,

they like him so much,
(POPS LIPS)

they put him it
into the show, eh.

That doesn't mean they
can't be the same guy, bud.

That's one guy.
It's a different era.

He can do two shows
in fucking 30 years.

How many times
do we have to go over this?

It's the same fucking guy!

- (OBJECT CLATTERING)
- (MUMBLING)

He is right, you know.
It is the same guy.

Danny DeVito was in Taxis

but he is also in It's Always
Sunny in Philadelphia's.

I know. I make joke on him.

He think I don't know
but I know, eh.

(CHUCKLES)

You know who is my favorite,
uh, superhero villain?

Is the Penguin
from Batman film, eh.

That's fuckin'
Danny DeVito, bud.

Get a fucking clue!

That's Danny DeVito
you just said!

Can you believe
this fuckin' guy doesn't know

who Danny DeVito is?

Who you mean? The singer?

No, the fuckin' actor!
Danny DeVito.

The guy who's married
to Rhea Perlman!

Oh, I like him in Hellboy.

That's Ron Perlman!

Doesn't matter. Archambault!
Hockey is back on!

What the fuck is wrong
with you guys?

Both of you. You're fucki''
from another planet.

I can't believe we live
in the same country.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, the fucking phone

is ringing during
hockey night in Canada!

Who is calling during
hockey night in Canada?!

Who the fuck even has
a hard line anymore?

Archambault, rip the fuckin'
phone out of the wall!

What's next?
You're gonna have someone

deliver a pizza during
the fuckin' overtime?!

(YELLS)

- (HISSING)
- What the fuck?

(PODEIN COUGHS)

You know,
the other guy I like,

is the one
giving Billy Crystal

the problem in
Throw Momma and the Trains.

Holy merde.

(YELLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTING)

THORNY:
Get him!

(CRACKLING)

(GROANING)

(CHEERING)

Great fight, guys!

Pennyworth ADH4
SureShot Cattle Prod.

Every station needs one.

(ALL CHEERING)

I can't breathe.

- (MUFFLED GRUNTS AND SHOUTS)
- (CATTLE PROD CRACKLING)

(MOUNTIES GROANING)

We know it's you guys.
We can see your mustaches.

Come on, you can't
leave us out here.

We are at least
100 kilomètres in the woods!

ARCHAMBAULT:
Maybe more, huh?

(ALL PANTING)

BELLEFUILLE: Ah, tabernacle.
Here come the mosquito.

(ALL CHEERING)

We got 24 hours

to desecrate the good names
of these dickfucks.

- (ALL CHEERING)
- Let's do it!

(ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

(COUNTS IN FRENCH)

Let's do it.

License and registration, eh!

Here you go.

FARVA: (ON RADIO)
Captain, come in, Captain.

- Officer.
- FARVA: Captain, come in.

MAN:
Officer, here you go.

FARVA: Are you hearing
anything, Captain?

You think maybe
your buddy is getting

a little old for this?
I mean, a deaf cop?

Who said that, eh?

Ooh. You, sir,
have the nose of a king.

Hold tight, I'm gonna
get my ticket book.

(FOSTER GROANS)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Ya! Hey there.

- License and registration.
- All right.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Let's go!
License and registration, eh!

(SNICKERING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
What's so funny...

...Mr. Matt Tomon?

You think it's funny that

I lost my balls
in a tractor pull?

Wait, you both
got your nuts ripped off

in a tractor pull?

I lost mine in the spokes
of my bicycle.

You know how fast
that will stop a bicycle?

MAN:
Hey, Officer!

- Hey, you're on my wagon.
- What?

Come on! Wake up! Wake up!

FARVA:
License and registration, hey?

'Scuse me one second, eh.

- You bitch!
- (GRUNTS)

- Get back here, you!
- FARVA: Ow! Ow!

- Hey, there.
- Hi.

License and registration.

Aren't you the two
that pulled me over before?

Beg your pardon?

How are you Mounties now?
Or should I say Meow-nties?

- (CHUCKLES)
- Say what now?

Few years ago,
you pulled me over

and you played some game
where you said "meow."

Buddy, I've said
a thousand stupid things

to people over the years.

You asked if I saw you
jumping around

all nimbly-bimbly
from tree to tree?

(CHUCKLES) I can assure you
I've never said the words

"nimbly-bimbly"
in my life.

- You fucker!
- Oh, you bitch!

(FARVA GROANING)

Where's the gosh darn cruiser?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Dude, your partner
is about to get mucked!

Where you going, mister?
Freeze!

- (HORN BLARES)
- (TIRES SCREECH)

Ow. Ow!

(SIGHS)

- (HONKS HORN)
- (SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Bro!

Hang on. Do you really
not remember this guy

or you just fuckin' with him?

(WHISPERS) Yeah,
I have no idea who he is.

You know I heard
everything you said.

Son of a bitch. We've been
doing that for years.

Forget it. Am I getting
a ticket here, or...

You know what? I want
to get my head around this

'cause now
it's driving me crazy.

Let's do this. We'll switch.
You'll be me, I'll be you

and then
you'll do the routine.

What? All right.

Ah, you'll kill it,
you'll kill it.

(GRUNTS)

License and registration meow.
Come on, meow.

- Hey! Now I remember it!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- I remember it now.
- You remember that.

In the meanwhile, never give
your car keys to a stranger.

Why is that?

FOSTER: (GIGGLES)
See you, sucker!

MAC: I knew it was you
the whole time, asshole!

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What
the hell's going on here? Huh?

Looks like someone's smoking
the reefer joints.

No, that's not marijuana.

We'll see about that.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Farva, that's not a good idea!

(SCREAMING)

What's the...

(SIREN WAILING)

Okay, this is happening.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Sorry.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We're from America.

We don't speak French.

Oh.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Do neither of you
speak English?

- (IN FRENCH ACCENT) I do.
- Oh.

Em... (CLICKS TONGUE)

Your papers.

We would like
to eat your papers.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Can you
show me your party papers?

- You want to see our party papers?
- Party papers?

Bon vivant bouillabaisse,

cul de sac, les serve
chicken cordon bleu.

Formidable
Baton Rouge.

No bles or blis, o bon
pain Château Marmont?

- Croque monsieur?
- Croque madame!

(SCOFFS) Non!

Est stupid!

Frère Jacques, Grey
Poupon, Marquis de Sade,

tourette whoop!

Feather duster, croissant,
Les Miserables,

fart catcher,
Luc Robitaille, D'artagnan,

Perrier, Fran Tarkenton,
peanut butter parfait.

Eau de toilette!

(IMITATES MOCKINGLY)

Officers? I'm sorry.

You're, you're obviously in...

No, no, no, no, no.

I must apologize, uh,
for me and my partner.

We should not fight.

To argue is no way
to go through the life.

I know.

- Do you know the key to life?
- What's that?

The key to life is a...

a penis in your asshole.

I beg your pardon, sir!

I think you must be
saying that wrong!

No, no, no. The key to life
is a penis in your asshole.

I don't think you're saying
what you mean to say.

Oui! Oui! Oui!

A penis. A penis.

You know, eh, eh, to smile.
To be happy.

Oh!

- "Happiness!"
- (ALL CHUCKLE)

Honey! It's...

Okay.

In your asshole.

That's...

Your asshole.
Eh, where you live.

Your apartment,
your domicile.

Your house.

- "Household!"
- Ah!

"The key to life is happiness
in your household!"

Oui, the key to life is
"a penis in your asshole"!

- Oh!
- I'm trying to tell her that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What you think I say?

Oh, I don't even
want to tell you.

Maybe they'll get
a kick out of it.

We thought that you said,

that the key to life
is a penis in your asshole.

Sacrebleu, non!

You Americans think
everyone want to fuck you!

No one want to fuck you!

Merde!

Here is your party papers!

I thought Canadians were nice.

THORNY: Whoa! Whoa! Wait for me.
Okay.

(LAUGHTER)

I was thinking
we could do like

a "Who's on First?" pullover.

"Rabbit and Fostello."
You know, old-time comedy.

- Love it.
- Ooh.

- How are they back so quick?
- Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

- Shit!
- Go, go, go, go!

There are these
son-of-a-bitch guys, eh!

Stomp you a new mudhole!

O'HAGAN: Whoa, whoa!

What the hell happened
to you guys?

They dump us in the woods!

What?! Why would we do that?
We're the police.

Too bad for you
my dad dropped me in the woods

- naked every summer!
- Hah?

Oh, sounds too bad for you.

Come on. You know you do this.
Look at us.

We are paint all red,
white and blue.

Aren't those the colors
of the French flag?

(SPUTTERS) Oh, the
color the French flag.

Perhaps the guys
who did this were British.

Could've been Costa Rican.

Who wants breakfast burritos?

- (SPEAKS FRENCH)
- (EXCLAIMING)

Take that off
or I'll kill you.

Let's settle this
the Canadian way!

You're in America now!

(CLAMORING)

Hey! What's going on here?

Great Tim Horton's ghost!

First, I get a call
that the Mounties

are out farting sideways
on the highways.

Then I get a call
to come down here.

BELLEFUILLE:
Oh, it wasn't us!

These fucking guys,
they kidnap us

and they leave us
in the woods to die.

Yeah, then they steal
all three of our uniform, eh.

These guys put a bear in our station!
A real bear. Big bear!

You don't have
any proof of that.

A real bear?

Maybe. And maybe
they deserve a bear!

- (CLAMORING)
- Nobody deserves a bear!

I give a bear to you!

- We could have been eaten!
- (LAUGHING)

Why you laughing, Guy?

Fellas, you are thinking
about this all wrong, eh?

These guys?
They impersonated officers.

There is no way they're
holding onto their jobs.

And I'll do you one better.

When I get done talking to my
good friend Justin Trudeau...

Eh, the Prime Minister!

I bet you this
whole turnover thing

goes right out the window.

Boom!

So, boys, unpack your bags.
Revive those cable bundles.

'Cause you are
not going anywhere.

I say we celebrate. What are
we having for breakfast?

- Pancake.
- Pancake, yeah?

All right.
Oatmeal and raisins it is.

- Oh.
- Kidding. It's pancakes.

Eh, pancake! Maybe two eggs
side by each, eh?

I don't want this oatmeal.

BELLEFUILLE: Maybe you put the
raisins inside the pancake.

Genevieve, wait.

You brought this
on yourselves.

They put a bear...

This is bad, fellas.

This is "Fred Savage
Ridin'-Along Incident" bad.

Tell that to Fred Savage.

Well, no sense in having
good breakfast go to waste.

- I've lost my appetite.
- I'm sorry, man.

- I'm just not hungry.
- (CHUCKLES AND STAMMERS)

You try to do something
nice for people,

and then it just,
I just, you know.

What's the point?

Stop taking
female hormones!

♪ Makin' money ♪

♪ Makin' dollars,
makin' money ♪

MAC: Can we
please come in, Cap?

- He's taking years off my life.
- (BURPING)

O'HAGAN:
Just the bad years, kid.

- I'm serious, Cap. I'm about to snap like a dry twig.
- (BURPS)

Things are still pretty dicey here.
Best keep Farva away.

We'll let you know
when the coast is clear.

(MUSIC PLAYING
ON EARPHONES)

(LOUDLY) Have you
heard the new Kanye?

He's not just about big butts!
He's a really good singer.

(FARVA CHEWING LOUDLY)

This is great. It's like
being on the road again.

I like to chew mint gum
when I'm on the road.

When I'm radio, it's fruit.

You know, like Juicy Fruit,
Bubblicious, Hubba Bubba.

Anything fruity.

On the road,
I like mint, though.

Mint, mint, mint, mint, mint.

And Beech-Nut,
have you tried that?

They should call it
"Beech-Not!" (CHUCKLES)

Oh, shit, I'm gonna
write that down.

What kind of gum do you chew?

They should make
a black mint gum.

That would be choice.

They could call it
"Minty Black".

Yeah, I'm gonna
write that down too.

- No one would buy that.
- What?

No one would buy
that stupid gum.

(UNZIPS)

- Bullshit.
- (URINATING)

They'd buy it
if it was on Friends.

Like if Ross
or Rachel chewed it,

it'd sell like hotcakes.

Are you a mutant?

You follow me out here while I'm
pissing just to tell me this shit?

Quit looking at my dick.

I'm not looking at your dick.
We're taking a piss.

- So, piss.
- I don't have to go.

(ENGINE ROARING)

I'll fuck that Canadian
right in his back bacon!

Rod! Rod!

(GRUNTING)

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah!
- Farva!

- (SIREN WAILING)
- Farva!

Farva!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Dumb fuck.

(ALARM BEEPING)

- Unbelievable.
- (BEEPING STOPS)

Who pops an airbag?

God. You weigh a ton.

You gotta be shitting me.
Don't die on me, Farva.

Okay. You can do it.

(MAC GAGS)

Oh! Fuck!

From upside down,

your mustache looks
like a big hairy smile.

Why would you
give me the Shocker?

My way of saying, "Thanks,
honey. You saved my life."

I was dead. I went to Heaven.

And you were there.

- You know what you were doing?
- What?

Trying to make out with me,
sweetheart! I'm on to you.

(CHUCKLES) Come here.
Give me some more of that.

(MAKES KISSING NOISES)

What the hell is that?

(FARVA GROANS)

Well, hello, Laverne!

Looks like the same stuff.

Yeah, but a shit-ton
more of it.

Holy Hindu holidays.

There's a new guest
at the party.

AK-47s.

RABBIT:
Hey.

Oh, no, I don't
want to hear it, Rabbit.

Genevieve,
could I just explain?

There is nothing to explain.

They put bears
in our station.

This is Canada!

There are bears everywhere.

There are bears that
go through

my garbage every night.

I have cereal
with bears in it: Bearios.

Canada's most
popular breakfast.

LALOUSH:
Someone say "Bearios"?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hey there, Genny.
Wanna grab some eats?

No, thanks.

Turn that into a maybe
and I'll have your baby.

(CHUCKLES)

Lonnie Laloush?

That's mon nom.
Don't wear it out, eh?

You want a hot coffee?
I'm pouring.

Oui, s'il te plait.

Seems like a real
"dickwa-duh", huh?

I told everyone
how wonderful you all are.

Well, you're not.
You have bad hearts.

Who wants crème fraiche?

Nobody?

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

Okay, no crème fraiche!

- Please just go.
- Genevieve...

Just go.

(GUNS FIRING)

They're actually AK-48s.
Illegal in the U.S.

THORNY:
Why 48?

Because they hold
one extra bullet.

Yeah, sure. You never know

when you're gonna
need just one more.

This one says "Tiger Penis".

Suck it!

Shut up, Farva.

The Chinese use it
to get hard-ons.

I tried to get it once.

- You can't buy it in the United States.
- (SCOFFS)

Dude, what's up
with your mustache?

Nothing.

- Are you wearing a mustache wig?
- No!

It's a postiche, okay?
I'm having a little hair loss.

Don't worry about it.

Worry about your
own goddamn mustache.

Fuckin' asshole.

Hey, Mac tell you guys
about our little moment?

Did you, Mac and Cheese?

You told us, Farva.
I don't want to hear it again.

I'm the Cheese.

THORNY:
All right, look, guys.

I know we're
in some serious shit here,

but if we can crack this case,

we might just be able to get

beyond this
whole Mountie thing.

We didn't do anything.

Foster, we kidnapped
and impersonated

officers of
a sovereign nation.

Right.

Cuban cigars, Canadian pills,
counterfeit cell phones,

AK-48s and Tiger Penis.

What's the link?

All this stuff is
more valuable in the U.S.

than in Canada.

So, it's
a smuggling operation.

Someone's trying to move
this shit over the border.

No, they're not.

Think about it.

This stuff is just sitting on
Canadian land. Yeah. Okay.

But what happens
when this Canadian land

becomes American land?

No need to move it at all.
It's already on U.S. soil.

Exactly, huh?

Passive smuggling. (CHUCKLES)
It's my kind of crime.

So, they must have this shit
stashed all along the border.

Yeah. But who is "they"?

Who "are" they.

FOSTER: Hey, look,
I said this earlier

and you guys laughed at me.

But I think it's the Mounties.
They are shit people. Okay?

And they smoke Cubans cigars.
We've seen that.

They're getting transferred
to God knows where.

I mean, what
do they have to lose?

I am starting to agree with
Sherlock McSerpico over here.

- (CLAP ECHOES)
- Ooh!

I'm telling you, fellas.

In my experience,
it's always the local cops.

What would you guys give me
if I kill that bird?

Farva, that's a Bald Eagle!

Get a wig, baldy!

(GUN FIRING)

- Yeah!
- (EAGLE CAWING)

Put the goddamn gun down.

- What?
- (EAGLE SCREECHES, WHIMPERS)

Oh, booyah!
Guys, what do I win?

A one-way ticket to hell.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

This place wishes
it was Shenanigans.

Welcome to Chicanery's, eh!

Can I get you a booth?

Uh, no. We're meeting
somebody here.

Oh, yeah, there he is.

♪ I'll pay the rent ♪

- Cap!
- ♪ God knows I've done you wrong ♪

MAC: Chief, we've been
looking all over for you.

Cap, Cap, Cap, I think
we've figured it out!

- ♪ Do you re... ♪
- Chief. I think we cracked the thing.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I've been waiting
here for an hour.

I think you're gonna
want to know this.

- This is my song.
- I know, but listen, I think we...

- I'm singing here. Sit the fuck down.
- No, no, no.

I'm singing here.

I'm singing here.
Sit the fuck down!

♪ Bill Bailey, won't you
please come home ♪

What can I get for you guys?

Maybe a cold beer?
Liter of cola?

What did you say?

Do you want a liter of cola?

You have that here?

Yeah, we got
the Decaliter Delight.

You get a punch card, you
rack up ten liters of cola,

get yourself a free dessert.

Bring them all.
Bring them all right now.

Bring all ten liters
and the punch card.

I want it all right now.

Come on.

Canada's pretty awesome.

- Boop boop.
- Uh, don't do that.

- Boop beep boo boop beep.
- (STUTTERS) Cut the crap.

- Genevieve?
- (SIGHS)

I feel terrible
about what I said to you.

I know I overreacted.

It's just the town is so upset
about the turnover.

Sure.

Anyway,
you are not a bad person.

Even if you are American.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I've actually been
working on that for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

Moosehead. Canadian beer.

Beaver chili.
Très Canadien.

(LAUGHS)

And I've been working
on my French too.

- (ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
- (GASPS)

Oh, I love this song!

Oh, it reminds me of summers
on Etang de la Soupe Aux Pois.

(SINGING ALONG IN FRENCH)

Wow! That's very good.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, but,

I don't even know
what it means.

It's a sad song about
the Nazi Occupation of France.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I...

No. No, no.

It's about two lovers

trapped in a war
that neither wanted,

but they love
each other anyway.

Oh.

So much better. (CHUCKLES)

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

- Is this really happening?
- Oh, yes.

I love it.

(GENEVIEVE MOANING)

Wait, wait, wait.

- Where is the fat one's desk?
- Right there.

Okay.

You don't know his name?

Flarvla.

(CHUCKLES)
I smell a new nickname.

Guess we hurry.

Passive smuggling?
It's brilliant.

And it's gotta
be the Mounties.

- Why?
- (SLURPING)

'Cause it's always
the local cops.

Here's your punch card.

(PUNCHING)

Five, six, seven, eight.

Number nine. This is ten.

Technically, you have to drink
all ten to get the dessert.

Oh, you challenging me?

This will be gone
in three seconds.

I'll have
the butter tart yule log.

Come on. Chop-chop!

MAC:
Just do it, dude.

Canada!

And the beauty is,

there's nothing they can do
with all that contraband,

until this land
becomes America.

So all we have to do
is push back the turnover,

until we can find
the rest of the stuff.

O'HAGAN:
Well, you heard LeFranc.

Who knows what's gonna happen
with the turnover?

Whatever happens,
we gotta solve this case. Now.

Let's take another look
at that contraband.

- We may have missed something.
- (SLURPING)

Hold on! I didn't
get my free dessert.

Move it, Farva!

Come on! It's a fucki''
butter tart yule log!

O'HAGAN:
Let's go! Now!

Damn it.

Oh! Whoa! Watch it, pal.

Walk faster, finger blaster.

(BOTH EXHALE)

Son of a... Rabbit!

MAC:
Whoa!

Whoa!
The booty's gone!

Did they take
the Flova Scotia?

In addition to Rabbit!

Hold your bones.
Rabbit's car.

The dash cam! Look at this.

Ooh, you clever
little prick, you.

Prick? I'm tired
of these putdowns!

It's a compliment,
shithead.

Fuck you,
midget Burt Reynolds.

- Mm.
- Mm-mm.

MAC: (CHUCKLES)
Oh, a little ménage à two.

FARVA AND MAC: Mm.

- MAC: Ah.
- THORNY: Yeah, partner.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (HOWLS)

Can you believe she picked
Donnie Osmond over me?

- MAC: Yes.
- I mean, is anyone else shocked here?

- No.
- And on my desk?

O'HAGAN: Shut up, Farva.
This is serious.

- ALL: Whoa!
- What the fuck?

THORNY: Now how are
we gonna find them?

All those iPhones
had the same number.

Now, if we only
had a triangulator,

we could locate them.

Aha! Take that,
you bastards.

MAC: Those are the
phones right there.

Enhance.

All right,
but what is this place?

Enhance.

- Enhance.
- Okay, okay.

FOSTER:
"Sciere de la Vache."

All right, you guys speak
French, what does that mean?

(SMACKS LIPS) I don't
know what sciere means

and I also don't know
what vache means.

THORNY: So you really don't
understand anything?

Sciere de la Vache?

I believe it's
"The Scary Vase".

MAC: Yeah, yeah. Let's
see, sciere is "beetle".

- Beetle vase. No. Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But la vache is "angry".
"Angry Beetle."

- Okay.
- Yeah. Angry Beetle, we think.

It's "The Sawmill of the Cow",
you idiots!

It's a sawmill!

- Why "Sawmill of the Cow"? No.
- It doesn't make any sense.

Let's go and give those
Canuckleheads

a good old-fashioned
red-white-and-blue,

fist-fucking!

- (ALL CHEERING)
- Yeah! Let's do it!

FARVA:
Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!

Whoa!

Shit.

(SIRENS WAILING)

♪ You know you're always paying
for the shit that's free ♪

Hey, pull over.
I gotta take a pee-ahs.

Shouldn't have drank
all that soda.

You know, it just now
occurred to me,

you and I have never been
alone together before.

- Yeah, thank God.
- (SCOFFS)

Seriously. Have we ever had
a one-on-one conversation?

Why would we? You seem
like a pretty boring dude.

You still banging
that blonde cop, or...

♪ You say you want to finish,
but you never start ♪

♪ You want to get it finished
but you just try hard ♪

Where the hell
are they going?

(MUSIC CONTINUES
PLAYING ON RADIO)

That was the turn, back there.

Are you sure?
I don't think so.

Have you completely lost
your sense of direction?

Well, your yelling at me
certainly doesn't help!

Cap's right, Thorn.
That was the turn.

Shut up, Mr. Perfect.

- MAC AND O'HAGAN: Whoa!
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

♪ To broke to pay attention,
better get you some ♪

♪ When trouble's up,
I double up on bubble gum ♪

(MUSIC TURNS OFF)

(SIGHS)

- (SWITCH CLICKS)
- (ROCK MUSIC RESUMES)

I saw that!

Where are those
female sex pills?

Cap!

Give them me!
Give them me!

- Thank you.
- (SIGHS)

FOSTER: (WHISPERING)
No sign of Rabbit.

But I got two Mountie cars...

and our contraband.

Where the hell's Farva?

Ah. I got him.

(FARVA SNEEZES AND FARTS)

FOSTER: He's like a walking
hydrothermal explosion.

You want to see
some fartography?

I'm still gonna go back

and get that
butter tart yule log.

All right, boys.
Let's milk this cow.

(KEYS JANGLING)

PODEIN: I moved this
stuff the last time.

BELLEFUILLE: I don't
want to lift it either.

PODEIN:
You don't move anything.

You don't move your body,
you don't move boxes.

(WHISPERING)
One, two, three, go!

Alright freeze!
You're under arrest!

Bullshit, eh!
You're under arrest!

Bullshit,
you fucking smugglers!

We're not the smugglers!
You're the fucking smugglers.

We're not
the fucking smugglers!

You're the fucking smugglers!

O'HAGAN:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everyone, lower your weapons!

Something's not right.

Wait, wait, wait.
The old-timey one is right.

Something doesn't add up here.

- (GROWLS)
- (GRUNTS)

- THORNY: Oh, shit!
- Die, you fucking smuggler!

O'HAGAN:
Farva, you idiot!

(CLAMORING)

Put the gun down!
Put the gun down!

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Put down the fuckin' gun!

Drop the gun,
I don't want to shoot!

You fuckin' Canadians!

Cool.

(BOTH WHIMPER)

What the fuck
are you guys doing?

(LIGHTS SWITCH ON)

GUY:
♪ Blinded by the light ♪

Apropos, right?

Go on, kill each other.

What ever happened to "Shoot
first and ask questions later"?

Uh, what the shit, Guy?

Why you tell us these guys
are the smuggler, huh?

Well, it's a lot smarter
than telling you

that I'm the smuggler.

What do you mean,
you're the smuggler?

I'm sorry, but what else
was I gonna do?

Being the mayor
of a small Canadian town

sounds romantic and cool.

Being the mayor
of a small American town

sounds like you're a loser.
For reals.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- You got to admit it's a good scam.

All along the borderline.

But I never would've
thought that

the guys from
the Fred Savage incident,

would be the ones
to trip me up.

These are the cops
that killed Fred Savage?

Sadly.

But I will say, this little
rivalry between police forces,

is the perfect opportunity
to take you both out.

Well, now we're taking you in.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

But that's not the way
it's going to go.

Henri, if you
would be so kind.

- THORNY: No!
- MAC: Oh, Jesus.

- FARVA: Holy shit!
- And do pay attention to that man behind the curtain.

(MUFFLED WHIMPERING)

Your Rabbit
wasn't quick enough.

Maybe next time,
he'll hop a little faster, eh?

If anything happens to him,

I'm gonna fuck you
six ways to Sunday!

Jeez Louise. Now I know who
gobbled all my Flova Scotia.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, drop your guns,

or the Rabbit
and his girlfriend

will multiply
in gruesome fashion.

I'm so sorry.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Let her go, Guy. She has
nothing to do with this!

Well, if they put
their guns down,

no harm will come to her.

Go on. Drop them.

(SOFTLY) Drop your guns.
Drop it.

GUY: Now get those
hands in the air.

Like you just don't care.

So, are you ready...

(STOMPS)

for the big twist?

(WHISTLES)

(SHUDDERING)

What the fuck?

What are you doing? What?

Shut the front door!

RABBIT:
Genevieve.

What's going on here?

He'll kill me.
Let me out of my chains.

What the fuck
took you so long, Guy?

First I have to have
his circumcised dick in me

and then you tie me
to this log?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Are you fucking
kidding me?

(BIDS GOOD-BYE IN FRENCH)

I hate you!

I hate you.

Shoot them.

Shoot them all.

With pleasure, boss.

FARVA:
Hold on!

If I'm going down,
I'm going down American!

♪ Oh say can you sing ♪

♪ By the dawn's early fight ♪

♪ What so loudly we sail ♪

♪ At the nightlife
on the street ♪

♪ And the red
rocking chair ♪

♪ The bombs gasping for air ♪

♪ Gave proof in the life ♪

All right,
enough with that song.

Shoot them.

- (GUNSHOTS)
- (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Hurry, it's about
to slice my johnson!

This is not happening.

♪ I got it right now,
but I don't feel it ♪

(WHIMPERING)

♪ ♪

(THORNY YELLING)

That was a hell
of a thing to do.

I guess my maternal
instinct is kicking in.

♪ Go real fast,
I think you got it right now ♪

- (BULLETS FIRING)
- La vache.

What?

Shoot the cow.

Ah!

♪ ♪

Damn it! I'm out of bullets!

I got one more!

Make it count!

Oh!

Ow.

(WHIMPERING)

- (GRUNTING)
- (CHEERING)

Gotta love that 48th bullet.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Drop it! Drop your weapon!

ARCHAMBAULT: Come on,
get up from the dirt.

(SCREAMING)
I'm about to get neutered!

Hang on!

Get this outta here!

(WHIMPERING)
Get me off this!

I don't think so.

Okay. Now you've lit the fuse
of the Halifax Explosion.

Yeah. In my day...

when your big boy teeth
came in,

your hockey coach
would pull them out...

so you wouldn't
miss a shift.

Yeah? In my country,

we let the Tooth Fairy
deal with that shit.

You would know all about
fairies, wouldn't you?

Okay. Let's do this,
moosefucker.

Yeah, you want to do it?

- You wanna go?
- Yeah. Let's go.

- Yeah. You wanna go? You wanna go?
- Yeah. I wanna go.

(GRUNTS) Ooh, clip-on.
Little tacky, eh?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Yeah!

That's one former
hockey player

who can shut the puck up!

Right, guys?

(RABBIT WHIMPERING)

Shit, that was a good line.

- (RABBIT SCREAMING)
- (BULLETS RICOCHETING)

O'HAGAN: Come on, damn it!

Oh, my God!

(PANICKED SHOUTING)

(ALL YELLING)

(RABBIT SCREAMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING AND CHEERING)

MAC: That's great!
That's great!

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) What the
hell is wrong with you guys?

It's like none of you Yanks
ever operated

an industrial grade
rotary timber saw, eh?

Hey! What about your accent?

Andrea Spooner,
Ontario Provincial Police.

- What?
- Shut up!

What?

- (RABBIT SCREAMING)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

GENEVIEVE: Why is the Vermont
Highway Patrol even here?

I've been undercover
three years.

Part of a task force...

with the
Organized Crime Unit

of the Ontario
Provincial Police.

She's down with OPP.

You assholes just blew
three years of work for me.

I was this close
to getting their supplier.

Now I'll never get them.

Well, I'm happy to offer you
full cooperation of our...

Shut the fuck up!

Hm.

- Wow.
- Wow.

GUY: Hey, guys,
do me a solid, eh?

When you're sweeping up
back there,

keep an eye out
for my falsies.

Nah. You're not
going to need teeth

where you're going, eh.

You were our hero, Guy.

An hockey player
who owned a whorehouse.

Yeah, and to think
you spent 11 years

in the Canadian system.

Newsy Lalonde would be rolling
in his grave right now.

You would have fit
in good in Calgary, eh.

Talk about a bunch of goon.

PODEIN: Especially
that defenseman Bonchance.

That guy is the worst.

What a mucker, that guy, eh?

No, he end up in the QSPHL
by the time he's 38.

Boring!

(GROANING)
Easy! Easy!

Ah! Oh!

There he is!

They wrapped you
in the Japanese flag.

(CONTINUES GROANING)

Hey, man,
thanks for saving my life.

I don't know what I would
have done without you.

Oh, that's okay,
I don't need a hug. (GROANS)

It's not for you.

Okay.

RABBIT: (GROANING)
Careful, careful, careful!

Dude, are you lactating?

I'm just doing what my body
tells me to do, okay?

(CHUCKLES) Okay, Thorn.
You're the tits!

Good luck with
the wet T-shirt contest.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Men.

How are ya feelin'?

Oh, it's okay.

I'm so sorry about saying
"I hate you" back there.

Yeah. I know.
I'm sorry I lied.

I just can't believe
I didn't know.

Well, you were very sweet,
but also very gullible.

Maybe you and I
could get together

and listen to some
old-timey French music...

when that gets
all healed up.

Yeah, sure.

Fuckin' Canadian.

(CHUCKLES)

- Give me 50 cc's of morphine, shaving cream and a razor.
- A razor for what?

To remove the hair
from your testicles.

I have to stitch you up.

RABBIT: (STAMMERS) Why would
you need to stitch me up?

It's like a paper cut.

All we need to do is get
a little Band-Aid. Hey, guys!

Happy trails!

Looks like the rook's getting
his nuts shaved after all.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(RABBIT SCREAMING)

- Who wants coffee?
- Sounds good.

(HORN HONKS)

Captain O'Hagan!

I hear you and your men
did some good work.

We did.
We caught the smugglers.

Again.

(YELLS)

- (SCREAMING)
- (SQUELCHING)

What the hell was that?

FARVA:
Oh, shit.

(LAUGHING)

Done and done.
(GROANING)

This little piggy cried,
"God damn! That hurt!"

(LAUGHS)

What the hell happened to you?

Ah. I just lost a pussy bet.

If I "toed" ya,
I'd have to kill ya.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Watch the hoof! Ow!
Watch the hoof!

- (STUN GUN CRACKLING)
- (FARVA SCREAMING)

Officers! Cassandra Anne
Gacek, Action Five News.

Given your involvement
with this bust

how does it feel to know

that you are still
being replaced?

Uh, you know, when they first
arrive I am wondering:

"Who are these people

they come here
taked our land?"

But then I have it,
my answer, huh.

They are heroes.

CROWD: Aw!

These men... they putted their
life on the line for us.

One of them,
he even saved my life.

This tan guy here
with the wet tits.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

- But we hate Americans!
- I hear you. I hear you.

But I have to tell you...

if these gentlemen
are an example

of what it means
to be American...

I'm okay.

Then I am proud to be
an American too.

- All right.
- I am. I'm proud to be American.

So, we're leaving
to start our station up north.

But I say
with great confidence

that we couldn't leave you
in better hands

than in those
of the Vermont Highway Patrol.

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

How does it feel to be the coolest
motherfucker on this planet?

You tell me, buddy.
You tell me.

- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
- CROWD: Aw.

JESSMAN:
Uh, yeah. Excuse me.

Hold on.

Actually,
I'm here to tell you

that the U.S.
and Canadian governments

have decided to postpone
the turnover

until the rest of the
hidden contraband is found.

- (CROWD GASPS)
- CASSANDRA: So, wait.

Are we Canadians
or are we Americans?

You're still Canadians
for now.

And that's going
to continue indefinitely.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)
Sorry.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Okay, so we are now in control
of this area again, eh?

No, no.
We both have authority.

You got the authority
to go take

a flying fuck
at a rolling doughnut.

Hey, we just saved your lives,
you remember that?

BELLEFUILLE:
We have an expression here.

It go, "What have you done
for me lately?"

Yeah, maybe
we'll haul your ass

back out to the woods naked.

Or maybe we could burn down
your White House again! Eh?

What the hell does that mean?

The War of 1812, eh.
Learn your history.

- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh! You punched the mustache
right off his face!

No, no, no! Look,
he's wearing a postiche, eh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You shut up about his
postiche, come on!

(ALL GRUNTING)

♪ Well, she was,
she was, she was ♪

♪ She was blinded
by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a... ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

- (CAT MEOWS)
- What do you got?

Cat in a tree.

- (CAT MEOWS)
- THORNY: Ah, yeah.

Hey, Fred Savage.

- How's it going?
- Macintyre Womack.

Oh, pleasure to meet you,
Officer.

Carl Foster.

Nice to meet you. Fred.

So, what's with the ride-along?
You got a cop movie coming out?

Uh, no, it's actually a new
show for the Syfy Channel.

Kind of a small-town alien
invasion show called Vermonsters.

- ALL: Oh!
- I'd see that.

So, do you guys spend
a lot of time

getting, um,
cats out of trees?

Is that kinda the job?

No, we get the call and then
we call the Fire Department.

- They get the damn thing out.
- Oh.

Could I actually trouble you
for a quick selfie?

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
- I'm a big Princess Bride fan.

SAVAGE:
Yes. My pleasure.

That was my "get laid movie"
in high school.

Oh! You're welcome.

- MAC AND SAVAGE: Buttercup!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Holy shit!

- Did you get it?
- MAC: Nailed it.

Fred fuckin' Savage, huh?

- Uh, yes. That's me.
- He's right here! Look at him!

- Yeah, we know.
- SAVAGE: How are ya?

You still with Winnie?

Uh, no, no. Just a...
just a show, man.

- I call sloppy seconds!
- Okay, great.

I think I'm gonna get the cat.
I'm gonna get the cat.

Mr. Savage,
we can't let you do that,

because, you know, well,

we're responsible
for your safety.

Don't worry about it.
I'm an expert climber.

Remember the movie
Super Monkey?

ALL: Yeah.

I did all my own stunts
in that movie.

I'm good with the trees.

- Okay.
- (CAT MEOWS)

(GRUNTS)

Look at him go. Wow.

SAVAGE: I can see it!
I got the cat.

Take it easy, Mr. Savage.

I thought Super Monkey sucked.

Yeah. And the monkeys
were so fuckin' fake.

- A.O. Scott said the plot was bananas.
- SAVAGE: Hey, buddy.

Hey, you know,
I can hear you guys.

Alright, you should try
acting in a movie

and doing your own stunts.
It's really hard!

- (LAUGHS) Sure.
- All right, don't be dicks.

- (BRANCHES SNAP)
- (YELPS)

- (SAVAGE GROANING)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(THUDDING)

(YELLS, GRUNTS)

(EXHALES) Woo!

(ALL CHEERING)

Did you see that shit?!

(ALL LAUGH)

Any of you motherfuckers
want some pussy?

- What's up?!
- (ALL CHEER)

(HORN BLARES)

(ALL GASP)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Madman drummers bummers ♪

♪ Indians in the summer ♪

♪ With a teenage diplomat ♪

♪ In the dumps
with the mumps ♪

♪ As the adolescent pumps ♪

♪ His way into his hat ♪

♪ With a boulder
on my shoulder ♪

♪ Feelin' kinda older ♪

♪ I tripped the
merry-go-round ♪

♪ With this
very unpleasin' ♪

♪ Sneezin' and wheezin' ♪

♪ The calliope
crashed to the ground ♪

♪ The calliope
crashed to the ground ♪

♪ Yeah, she was
blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Some silicone sister ♪

♪ With a manager mister ♪

♪ Told me
I got what it takes ♪

♪ She said "I'll turn you on
sonny to something strong ♪

♪ Play the song
with the funky breaks" ♪

♪ And go-cart Mozart ♪

♪ Was checkin' out
the weather chart ♪

♪ See if it was
safe outside ♪

♪ And little early-pearly
came by in his curly-wurly ♪

♪ And asked me
if I needed a ride ♪

♪ The calliope
crashed to the ground ♪

♪ Yeah, she was
blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce ♪

♪ Another runner
in the night ♪

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

JAY: (ON RADIO) You reach
for your ticket book.

I got ya. Okay.

'Scuse me. Sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

(SPITS)

Don't worry about it.
Hold that for me.

- JAY: Here we go. Ready?
- Yeah.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)
- (HORSE WHINNIES)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)
- (HORSE NICKERS)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH) Ooh!
- (HORSE WHINNIES)

I can't believe it's a crime
down in the U.S.

to drink beer
and enjoy tits and dick.

I mean, beep beep!
There's no harm there.

I mean... (IMITATES BUZZER)
There's no harm there.

(IMITATING PUNCHING BAG)
It's a good workout, eh.

JAY: Cut. I could do that
all night.

- I know...
- (ALL LAUGHING)

JAY:
And action!

- Oh!
- (ALL LAUGHING)

That's how easy it is.

Oh! Jesus Christ.
Motherfucker.

What do we got, till lunch?
We got till lunch?

- JAY: Action.
- (BALLOON POPS)

- Oh!
- (ALL LAUGH)

Which one of you guys
has a, le, a le seniority?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

JAY: You got to blow
those cheeks out.

Okay.

I think I have some of your
mustache in my mouth.

Where's your asshole?

STEVE LEMME: It's right about...
right there.

Just follow the heat.

First you steal our job
and now you sit here

getting a sensual massage
from a chair

in the center of the mall
with our women.

JAY: (LAUGHS)
Can you shorten that?

No, that's the only way
I can say it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeez Louise.

Now I know who gobbled up
all my Lava Scotia.

JAY:
Uh, Flova Scotia.

Now I know who gobbled up
all my Flava Scotia.

- JAY: Uh, Flo, uh, Flova.
- Flova. God damn it.

All my Flava Scotia.

- All my Flava Scotia.
- JAY: (LAUGHING) Flova.

I'm gonna get it. Nova. Flova.

Now I know who gobbled up
all my Flava Scotia.

- Close?
- JAY: No. Not really.

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

What about this?!
What about this, huh?!

Didn't we
do that to like

a skinny blond guy
with a big forehead?

Smelled like bacon?

Always yakking about
Hot Pockets?

That was me.

You asked if I saw you

jumping around
all mimbly bimbly...

You asked if I saw you

jumping around
all nimby, ni...

All nibbily-bimbly.

Sorry, what...
It's nimbly-bimbly.

- STEVE LEMME: Come on, Gaffigan!
- (ALL LAUGHING)

- (GRUNTS)
- Idiot. (GRUNTS)

Bon vivant bouillabaisse,
croissant, le chicken cordon bleu?

JAY:
Eh, that's a little much.

- This one says "Tiger Penis".
- FARVA: Suck it!

- Shut up, Farva.
- Sorry. It's just funny.

Eh... (STAMMERING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
What the shit, Guy?

Why you tell us
they are the smuggler...

- Sorry, I'm sorry.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

(CONTINUING IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Uh... Eh...

All right. All right.
Here we go, here we go.

- Just gotta find it.
- Yeah, I got it.

Uh...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Uh... Eh...

Sorry. I'm totally...
Okay, okay.

Hey, cut it.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

♪ She got down,
but she never got tight ♪

♪ She's gonna make it ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

♪ What a drag ♪

♪ Sittin' here at home
on Saturday night ♪

♪ And I'm alone ♪

♪ Just staring at my phone
trying to make it ring ♪

♪ Wish I had a friend ♪

♪ I can tell my jokes to ♪

♪ My truck ♪

♪ Is runnin' pretty rough ♪

♪ It don't matter much ♪

♪ I'm out of gas ♪

♪ If I had a tank,
I'd take a ride ♪

♪ But I don't know
where to ♪

♪ Great Saturday night ♪

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Saturday night ♪

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Saturday night ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

(GULPING)

Mm-mm.