Original subtitles

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP'']

[CLICKING ]

POPPY: Mm.

Is that the best you've got to say?

Mm. . . .

You can do better than that.

What do you want, a testimoniaI?

That wouId be nice.

You know, I've been wanting to teII you something for months now.

What?

You are the softest girI.

Ha. Gee, thanks. That's what every girI wants to hear.

[CHUCKLING ]

No, I mean it.

You're not fIabby or anything Iike that.

Just nice and soft.

You know what I mean.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, I see what you mean.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Who is that?

I'II be darned if I know. But whoever it is, I don't want any.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Uh-oh.

-Maybe I'd better. . . . -Yeah.

I'II just be a minute.

Don't Iose the pIace.

Oh. . . .

-Joe! -CharIie!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING ]

CHARLIE: WeII, I'II be.

How are you, Joe?

-How is EtheI? -Whew.

Egads, it's good to see you, Joe.

How is everything in IndianapoIis?

Hey, how about a drink? StiII martinis?

-Same drink, same wife. -You got it.

Why didn't you Iet a feIIow know you were coming?

-Didn't you get my teIegram? -Nope. No wire.

That's funny, I sent one.

Anyway, I'm staying with you.

Good. WeIcome aboard, Joe.

-Wow. What a water hoIe. -Yeah.

This is a far cry from the tree houses you used to faII out of as a kid.

[CHARLIE LAUGHS]

Do aII theatricaI agents in New York Iive Iike this?

How much money you making anyhow?

AImost as much as I'm spending.

Hey, how is everything at the oId pIant?

The Indiana PharmaceuticaI Company is keeping its head above water.

Good. WeII, drink up, buddy boy.

-Joe. -CharIie.

I'm gIad to see success has not changed you.

You stiII make a Iousy martini.

[LAUGHING ]

-Get out of there. -Hey, did I ask you? How is EtheI?

EtheI? She's okay.

How about CharIie, my boy, how is he?

WeII, I don't know.

Last week, we were thinking we shouIdn't have named him after you.

Hmm?

He feII out of a tree house.

Oh, my gosh.

-Did he get hurt? -No, feII on his sister.

Oh, my gosh.

It's aII right, CharIie. It was a very Iow tree house.

Good. What are you doing in New York, business?

WeII, not reaIIy. I've Ieft EtheI.

You what?

You Ieft EtheI?

-But, Joe, you can't be serious. -HeIIo.

-You waIked out on her? -HeIIo.

The mother of your chiIdren? The woman who gave you the best years of her Iife?

Sweetie, I'm sorry to interrupt but it's aImost 6.

It is? Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Oh, uh, Poppy Matson, Joe McCaII.

-How do you do? -How do you do?

Thanks for dropping by.

-You must be kidding. -I'II just tidy up a bit.

-You don't have to do that, honey. -Don't you--?

I'II take care of it. I'II give you a beII soon.

-Tomorrow? -Not tomorrow.

-You caII me. -I wiII.

-On the phone. -Phone.

-Soon? -Yes, very soon. Bye.

Oh, CharIie, did I teII you?

-My uncIe caught the whitefish. -What?

Don't you remember? You toId me you Ioved whitefish.

He's sending one down.

Oh, yes, good, good.

-I'II caII when it arrives. -You do that.

And we'II have a wonderfuI dinner with Burgundy and candIeIight. . .

-. . .and a damask tabIecIoth and Iemons. -Mm.

I can hardIy wait.

-Bye. -Bye.

Where the sam hiII did she come from?

Never mind.

Now, what's aII this stuff about you Ieaving EtheI?

EtheI? Oh, I Ieft her.

That gorgeous girI, are there any more Iike that?

Forget the gorgeous girI, Joe. Let's settIe down and discuss this thing.

Why did you Ieave EtheI?

Oh, that was her suggestion.

It was nothing Iike you think.

ReaIIy?

What is it Iike, Joe?

-What's it Iike? -Mm.

WeII, it's Iike this.

Last week, we ceIebrated our 1 1 th anniversary.

Oh, did you get my siIver tray?

-We got seven siIver trays, but thanks. -Oh.

After everyone had gone, EtheI and I Iooked at each other. . .

. . .and EtheI said, ''Joe, I Iove you very, very much.

Why don't we take a vacation from each other?''

So I said, ''There's business in New York I couId take care of. ''

She said, ''You do that.

See some shows, sponge off oId CharIie.

Then you come running back here. . .

. . .and chase me aII over the house the way you used to. '' So. . . .

Doggone.

I toId you that EtheI was a smart girI. We'II drink to her.

-CharIie. -Joe.

-EtheI. -EtheI.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[CHARLIE WHISTLING ]

Hi, honey.

CHARLIE: Oh, hi, Jessica. I'm a IittIe busy right now, I--

That's aII right. I happened to be down at the Washington Market today. . .

. . .and I ran right smack into this wonderfuI reaI Wisconsin CoIby. . .

. . .and I knew you Iiked it better than any other cheese. And so here it is.

I've got a friend at the market. . .

. . .who is gonna aIert me the very minute the first appIes appear. . .

. . .and I'm keeping you in mind for a whoIe busheI of. . . .

WeII, how can you Iive in a pIace that Iooks Iike this?

Jessica, this is Joe McCaII. Jessica CoIIins.

-How do you do, Mr. McCaII? -Miss CoIIins.

Have you ever seen anyone keep a pIace in such disorder?

WeII, I don't know what Mr. McCaII wiII think.

Now, you two go on about your business and don't you pay me no mind. . .

. . .and I'II have this pIace at Ieast Iooking tidy.

WeII, my goodness, here's a teIegram and it hasn't even been opened yet.

Somebody may have died or something.

Now, what this pIace needs is a reaI thorough oId-fashioned house cIeaning.

A Iick and a promise won't do. No, sir.

Thank you. Now, have you seen those drapes?

WeII, those drapes need a reaI thorough, oId-fashioned fIogging. . .

. . .and I'm gonna do it.

And that couch.

What have you been doing on that couch?

Uh, I appreciate what you're doing, but not now. Some other time.

-You aIways say that. -No, reaIIy. I'II caII you soon.

-WeII, don't forget now, hear? -I hear.

-Promise? -I promise.

-Goodbye now. -Goodbye, Mr. McCaII.

Mm. Tiger.

-Bye. -Bye.

Where am I?

Where do aII these tomatoes come from?

Tomatoes?

-How dare you caII these girIs tomatoes? -WeII. . . .

For your information, Mr. McCaII, Poppy is an important editor at DoubIeday.

And Jessica happens to be the buyer. . .

. . .for the Iargest chain of women's stores in the South.

Tomatoes indeed.

[SCOFFS]

-CharIie, I'd Iike to ask you something. -Hey, how about this?

My friend is coming to spend a coupIe of weeks with me.

I gotta shave, I got a date.

Tomatoes or no tomatoes, teII me one thing.

How come you rate with girIs Iike that?

Because I'm big and strong and fat.

Don't think you'II beat my time the way you did aII the others.

CharIie. . .

. . .you're 35 years oId. You're not stiII brooding about the junior prom?

You're darn right, I am.

Three hundred girIs in a Iine.

And right at the head of the Iine is this IoveIy, sweet. . .

. . .absoIute doII of a girI smiIing right at me.

AII I've got to do is take three simpIe paces forward and say:

''May I have the pIeasure of this dance?''

Not me.

Way down at the end of the Iine, I spot this taII job. . .

. . .the goofy one with the hot eyes.

And even from where I stand, I know this is troubIe.

So, what do I do?

Of course. I cut my way through a haIf miIe of organdy. . .

. . .whiIe you take the three simpIe paces forward.

You get EtheI and I get sIapped with a paternity suit.

At Ieast they cIeared you.

Why shouIdn't they?

-I never even Iaid a gIove on her. -That's what EtheI said.

From the beginning, EtheI said, ''CharIie couIdn't have done it.

-That's right. -He hasn't got the know-how. ''

[PHONE RINGS]

HeIIo.

Oh, hi, honey.

No, I can't tonight.

No, not tomorrow night either.

No, no, no, the pIace is very cIean, yeah. Thanks for caIIing.

Yeah. Okay, I'II get back to you.

Bye.

Boy, what have you got?

It's not what I've got, Joe, it's what I haven't got. A wife.

-A wife? -Mm-hm.

When I came to New York, I figured it wouId be Iike back home.

You know, meet a girI, take her to the movie. . .

. . .send her some candy and fIowers, romance her a IittIe bit.

WeII?

Not the way it works in New York. They got a kind of underground.

As soon as a bacheIor sets foot in this town, the signaIs go out.

And even before you get your bag unpacked, you're up to there in dames.

Look, it's wonderfuI.

PIain joker Iike me, I've got dames I haven't even caIIed yet.

-And it goes on Iike this aII the time? -AII the time.

-And aII you gotta be is a bacheIor? -Mm-hm.

-PaI, you reaIIy got it taped. -Mm-mm. Not me. It's New York, Joe.

City's teeming with dames.

To teII you the truth, every once in a whiIe, I get bored.

Oh, I feeI for you, paI.

You know what I mean.

Sure, it's fun, but Iet's face it. You are the guy who's got it taped.

-Me? -Mm-hm.

I wouId be happy to trade this rat race for your setup in two seconds.

You come home in the evening, a pretty IittIe house. . .

. . .three kids run down the path yeIIing, ''Daddy. ''

You go inside and there's EtheI in a cute IittIe apron. . .

. . .throws her arms around you, gives you a big smack, says, ''Joe--''

''Joe, we gotta have waII-to-waII carpeting. ''

-Oh, now, don't go knocking EtheI to me. -I'm not knocking her.

If it weren't for EtheI, we wouIdn't have waII-to-waII carpeting today.

Can you imagine that?

PeopIe wouId be abIe to see the fIoor around the edge of the rug.

And the kids don't run down the path to greet me. . .

. . .when I come home at night. They're too tired.

After a day of dancing Iessons and fencing Iessons. . .

. . .eIocution Iessons, eurhythmic Iessons.

Dramatic Iessons, finger-painting Iessons.

As a matter of fact, EtheI isn't home either.

The dog is taking her to obedience schooI.

Oh, come on, Joe. It can't aIways be Iike that.

No, no, it isn't aIways Iike that.

Sometimes at night after the kids are asIeep. . .

. . .it's nice and quiet, just the two of us aIone.

[WATER RUNNING ]

I start a fire in the firepIace. . .

. . .EtheI gets the good brandy out. . .

. . .we push a coupIe of chairs together.

I squeeze her hand, she squeezes mine.

''Honey,'' I say.

''DarIing,'' she says.

''Don't you think it's time Peter had braces on his teeth?''

One stinking kid Ieft in the house without braces, she can't stand it.

I'm not even Iistening to you.

I can't beIieve that EtheI, IittIe starry-eyed EtheI. . .

. . .with that angeI's smiIe and the cutest IittIe figure in the entire MiddIe West. . . .

Is it stiII?

Yup.

Now, don't teII me that doesn't pIease you anymore.

It deIights me.

After aII, married 1 1 years, I've never even Iooked at another woman.

-Are you thinking of Iooking now? -CertainIy not. Why?

WeII, when guys start teIIing me how many years they didn't. . .

. . .I figure they're about ready to do.

And no matter what you say, I bet you were pIenty happy with your setup. . .

. . .untiI you came in here and saw what I had faIIen into.

Maybe you're right, paI. After aII, 1 1 years.

Yeah, 1 1 wonderfuI years. And don't forget that. Oh-oh.

What's the matter, night shift coming on?

No, no, she isn't just one of the girIs. This is something speciaI.

What's she got, her own vacuum cIeaner?

No, this one hardIy cIeans up at aII. AIthough she does straighten up a IittIe.

I see. What is it with her?

Oh, she's reaIIy speciaI.

You know she used to pIay with Stokowski?

You mean, as chiIdren? How oId is she anyway?

Oh, shut up.

You'II see SyIvia in a-- Ah. Here we come now.

Which one of the gentIemen is SyIvia?

Oh, have you got a surprise coming.

SyIvia, Mr. Joe McCaII. Joe, Miss Crewes.

Honored, Miss Crewes.

Poor dear, she can hardIy wait to get here.

I better hurry. It doesn't take SyIvia very Iong to get over here from NBC.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

What did they do? Shoot her out of the cannon?

-HeIIo. -HeIIo.

CHARLIE: He's in the kitchen.

HELEN: I know.

Hey, hey.

-Who is she? -I'm sorry, I can't introduce you, Joe.

I forget her Iast name. It's HeIen something-or-other, she. . . .

I'II take good care of Joe. Come on, baby.

Thank you.

You named the dog after me. I'm touched.

She comes in and waIks him twice a day.

One of these nights, I'm gonna have to take her to dinner.

That wouId be nice of you, suItan.

-Good evening, Miss Crewes. -HeIIo, George.

-AII moved in, Mr. Loughran? -Yes.

Yes, everything except the piano and a coupIe of end tabIes.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I got it.

Hi, baby.

This is a tuxedo?

-WeII, we were just unpacking a-- -Bye.

This one is different.

She'II be back.

Did he teII you I'd be back?

WeII, yes.

What's your name?

McCaII.

Do you have a tuxedo, Mr. McCaII?

Uh. . . . WeII, as a matter of fact, I don't.

Go and change, boy.

Five minutes, so heIp me.

Can I fix you a drink, Mr. McCaII?

PIease aIIow me.

WeII, I've never heard such gaIIantry in this apartment.

-Scotch? -Fine.

No tuxedo, hmm?

TeII me, have you got a bIue suit?

Yes, one right there on top, see?

-I see. -Water?

PIease.

Oh, that's, uh, the wife and kids.

Oh, you're Joe McCaII.

I'm SyIvia Crewes.

HeIIo.

Thank you.

Uh. . . . That dressing gown that CharIie sent EtheI Iast Christmas, did it fit?

You bought that?

I didn't think CharIie had that much taste.

Which one is Peter?

The one without the braces.

Of course that was taken six months ago.

You know, CharIie makes very good use of your famiIy in his courtship.

I use the term IooseIy.

How do you mean?

WeII, whenever he gets a IittIe misty. . .

. . .he starts teIIing big Iies about how one day he'd Iike a nice IittIe house. . .

. . .and a nice IittIe wife and nice IittIe kids just Iike good oId Joe.

Did it ever occur to you that he might not be Iying?

Mr. McCaII, if it hadn't occurred to me, I wouIdn't be here.

Forty-five seconds.

I'II be right there.

You better be.

Oh, I saw you on teIevision a IittIe whiIe ago.

Did you? WeII, that's very sweet of you. . .

. . .considering that Range Rider was on the rivaI network.

I don't quite understand it. You're a musician with an NBC Orchestra?

How did you get together with tin-eared CharIie?

Oh, he's not such a tin ear.

I've been working on him, he's making fine progress.

-CharIie? -Mm.

He just Ioves Peter and the Wolf.

Listen.

[WHISTLING ]

[CHARLIE HUMMING ]

Ha-ha-ha. See? That wasn't easy for him.

You know, CharIie teIIs me that you go aII the way back to fourth grade together.

-Yeah, further than that. Kindergarten. -Oh?

What was he Iike then?

-Mm. LittIe. Ha. -Ha-ha.

-What did you do when you were a kid? -Like when?

Oh, 5 to 1 0.

PIayed the fiddIe.

-Ten to 20? -PIayed the fiddIe.

Twenty to--

-Say it. -Twenty-eight?

Thank you very much. PIayed the fiddIe.

I guess I'II just keep on fiddIing untiI I die or get married. . .

. . .whichever comes first.

[DOOR OPENS]

And there you are.

My, but don't you Iook pretty.

I'd ask you to go with us but I don't want you.

I don't bIame you.

If you get tired, that thing makes up into a bed.

If you can't sIeep, there's some SeconaI in the medicine cabinet.

If you have troubIe staying awake, there's some Benzedrine there.

If you can't make up your mind, take one of each.

Oh, if you get hungry, there's a nice new cheese in the refrigerator.

That's for getting ready so quick.

Who ever had it so good?

Not me.

Don't wait up for me. Bye.

Good night.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh.

-Thank you. -HeIIo, HeIen.

Uh, I'm sorry, I don't know your Iast name.

CharIie forgot to introduce us, but I'm his best friend.

As a matter of fact, uh, he's named after me.

Joe McCaII's my name. Um. . . .

Hi, namesake.

In your bed, Joe.

What's your hurry?

Let's have a drink.

No, thanks. I have dinner on the stove.

-Let it stay. We'II go out for dinner. -No, thanks.

Oh, why not?

Mr. McCaII, you're a married man.

Oh, CharIie toId you, huh?

WeII, as a matter of fact, he didn't.

You mean, you couId teII just by Iooking at me?

Of course. Good night.

[PIANO PLAYING ]

I wouIdn't know. Is he any good?

He can't be. He's not one of our cIients.

[CHUCKLING ]

Thank you very much. Who is next?

A Miss GiIIis.

Miss GiIIis, pIease.

Watch this kid, CharIie. The office signed her Iast week.

SAYERS: AII right, Miss GiIIis.

Do you mind teIIing something about yourseIf?

You know, your background, theatricaI experience and so forth.

Don't be nervous, Miss GiIIis.

Oh, weII, I'm not at aII nervous.

My name is JuIie GiIIis and I was born right here in New York City.

I'm 22 years oId.

That is, I was 21 and a haIf a week ago, Wednesday.

But as soon as I pass the haIf-way mark, I say I'm a year oIder.

I know most peopIe wait untiI the Iast minute to tack on another year, but I. . . .

WeII, maybe I am a IittIe bit nervous.

DIRECTOR: You go right ahead, Miss GiIIis.

TeII us anything you want to.

WeII, there isn't very much more to teII.

My onIy theatricaI experience was this past June. . .

. . .at the senior cIass pIay at Briarwood.

We did The Pirates of Penzance.

There was an agent there and he gave me something to sign. . .

. . .and here I am.

Are you stiII there?

Ha. We're stiII here, Miss GiIIis.

Now you, uh, sing or dance or just keep on taIking.

I think I'd better sing. I taIk too much.

I think I better take my gIasses off.

She Iooks too good with these on.

Steady, buster.

I think this kid's got something, Eddie. Bring her to Bergie's.

-I'd Iike to taIk to her. -Okay.

You two won't mind, wiII you?

Why shouId we mind? We'II be right there with you.

-CiaveIIi? -Hmm?

How do you Iike that?

They hired CiaveIIi as conductor of the Summer Symphony.

CiaveIIi? How do you Iike that?

It's shocking.

I don't say he's a bad vioIinist, but conductor?

Why, it's ridicuIous. The bum never hit .300 in his whoIe Iife.

Sucker for an inside curve.

He's good with the cIassics. . .

. . .but what are they gonna do when they get past Brahms?

ProbabIy have to put in a pinch hitter.

They wouIdn't take a woman for the job. Oh, no, of course not.

Makes it too tough in the Iocker room.

Very funny.

What did you two do for Iaughs before I came aIong?

[GIBBERING ]

I'm sorry I asked.

JuIie, this is CharIie Reader, our top taIent man. Miss GiIIis.

-HeIIo. -How do you do?

Miss Crewes, Mr. McCaII. SyIvia and Joe.

-HeIIo. -Two of my friends who have no taIent.

-I'II be seeing you Iater. -Goodbye.

-Bye. -Can I get you a drink?

-Just coffee. -We have pIenty of that.

-Sugar and cream? -Yes, pIease.

I can onIy stay a few minutes.

I just wanted to teII you how impressed we were.

-You were IoveIy. -WonderfuI.

I had a word with the producer, Sammy Sayers.

He says it Iooks as though you're about set for the part.

Oh, good. Thank you.

This is your first professionaI show, isn't it?

Yes.

Aren't you just a IittIe bit excited about breaking through for the first time?

Oh, the theater's aII right, but onIy temporariIy.

Are you thinking of taking up something eIse?

-WeII, yes. Marriage, I hope. -Oh.

Did you have any particuIar young man in mind?

WeII, there are any number of young men, but I haven't found mine yet.

WeII, a pretty young thing Iike you shouIdn't have much troubIe.

WeII, I certainIy hope not.

I mean, a career is just fine but it's no substitute for marriage.

-Don't you think so, Miss Crewes? -Miss GiIIis, I think so.

PassionateIy, I think so.

HonestIy, don't you think marriage is just the most important thing in the worId?

I mean, a woman isn't reaIIy a woman at aII. . .

. . .untiI she's been married and had chiIdren.

And why? Because she's fuIfiIIed. Isn't that right?

Right.

You agree?

Of course I do.

What red-bIooded American boy doesn't?

This red-bIooded American boy doesn't.

Why not?

In order to be fuIfiIIed, you have to have a man.

And it might be just possibIe that what fuIfiIIs you might not fuIfiII him.

My man, it wiII.

You have his specifications?

WeII, yes, I know everything except his bIood type.

Uh, teII us about him.

You mean it?

Because this is something I couId taIk about aII day.

You're on, Miss GiIIis.

WeII, the first thing I want in a man, he's got to Iove chiIdren.

-How many you think you'd Iike? -Three.

That's the magic number.

But not right away. The first two years, we're going to Iive in New York.

We'II be young and we'II wanna have Iots of fun.

There's no better pIace to have fun than New York, is there?

The chiIdren wiII come Iater.

-But not in New York? -No, we'II move to the country for that.

Oh, probabIy, the first baby wiII be born in New York.

At what hospitaI?

At Doctor's. . . .

Oh, you're kidding me.

Never mind him. TeII us some more. We reaIIy are interested.

Fascinated.

Look, I know this sounds crazy if you don't know me. . .

. . .but peopIe that know me think it's quite normaI.

I'm sure they do, Miss GiIIis.

You have a house in the country and the baby and now what do you do?

I have two more babies.

I didn't say a thing.

Yes?

When the kids get out of ScarsdaIe PubIic High SchooI--

Oh, ScarsdaIe?

WeII, certainIy.

Everyone knows they have the best schooI system in the country.

-Of course, everybody knows that. -Now, Joe. . . .

I mean it. Everybody in IndianapoIis sends their kids to ScarsdaIe.

I've been kidded about this before but I do know what I want.

That's good.

Go on. TeII us more.

WeII, as I was saying, when the kids get out of high schooI and go to coIIege--

Miss GiIIis, don't you think you're just getting a IittIe ahead of yourseIf?

WeII, after aII, a person just can't go on ad-Iibbing his way through Iife.

WeII, some do.

Some have to.

JULIE: Sure, but that's because they made their pIans too Iate.

I wish I knew the answer to that one.

Now that I've toId you aII of my girIish dreams. . . .

-Do you reaIIy have to go? -I reaIIy have to.

-Miss Crewes. -Goodbye.

CHARLIE: I'II get you a taxi cab. -No, don't bother. Mr. McCaII.

I couIdn't think of Ietting the mother of three chiIdren. . .

. . .waIk out on the streets aIone in the sinfuI oId city of New York.

-Goodbye. JOE: Bye.

-See you Iater. -Bye.

That is the most terrifying chiId I ever met in my Iife.

I'm a IittIe shaky myseIf.

TeII me, Miss GiIIis, what are your pIans for the next 400 years?

Oh, weII, first I shaII have some chiIdren.

Oh, and how do you intend to have them?

The usuaI way.

No, I mean, in what order?

Oh, weII, first a boy, then a girI, then another boy. . .

. . .and then a chocoIate cream.

And, uh, what typicaI IittIe American community do you intend to Iive in?

Las Vegas. Where eIse?

[LAUGHING ]

And you know how it is with contracts.

It wiII be a week or two before we have anything for you.

How about you and I having dinner tomorrow night?

-Together? -Of course.

Why?

Why?

WeII, I mean, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason for a maIe and femaIe. . .

. . .to sit down and break bread together?

I mean, tomorrow night you'II probabIy be hungry and you'II want to eat.

But why with you?

WeII, it's a simpIe question, isn't it?

Yes. I wish I had a simpIe answer.

I wish I had any answer.

WeII, I'II put it the other way around.

Tomorrow night you'II be hungry and wanna have dinner.

But why with me?

Miss GiIIis, through the years. . .

. . .I've found that sitting across the tabIe with a beautifuI girI. . .

. . .is not onIy pIeasant but it's awfuIIy good for my digestion.

WeII, I've onIy known you a few minutes but you seem fairIy nice.

You're even attractive in an offbeat, beat-up sort of way.

Thanks a Iot.

But I can't have dinner with every nice attractive man I meet.

It's not part of my pIan.

How is that pIan again?

My marriage pIan.

When I meet somebody new. . .

. . .and I don't feeI an immediate chemistry between us. . .

. . .weII, I'm poIite but that's aII.

And you mean that you feeI nothing chemicaI between you and me?

ExactIy.

Thank you very much for the coffee.

You do understand why I can't have dinner with you?

-It's crystaI cIear, Miss GiIIis. -Good.

Good night.

About time you got here.

Were you kidding with what you toId me?

I was not. There she sits.

You taIk to her.

DIRECTOR: EtheI Barrymore signed a contract Iike this.

HeIen Hayes, Sarah Bernhardt.

I'd Iike to have a minute with Miss GiIIis.

-Sure, she's aII yours. -HeIIo, JuIie.

Are you gonna shout at me too, Mr. Reader?

No, I'm not, JuIie.

I'm gonna be very quiet. I wanna get right to the point.

You don't have to teII me how it's a tradition of the theater. . .

. . .for everybody to sign a run-of-the-pIay contract.

Good. Then we can skip that.

But do you think it's fair to Mr. Sayers and the investors. . .

. . .that you quit four and a haIf months after the show opens?

I'm sorry.

If I postpone my marriage once, I may postpone it again.

I can't take the chance.

I'm afraid I can onIy sign a contract untiI March 1 2th.

What's so speciaI about March 1 2th?

WeII, that's when my mother and father were married. On March 1 2th.

And in my pIan, that's the absoIute deadIine.

It just doesn't make sense, JuIie.

Because the other day, you toId me that you hadn't even met your young man yet.

Oh, but I wiII.

If you have a pIan and you reaIIy beIieve in it. . .

. . .it'II work.

Um. . . . Why don't we go to Bergie's and taIk this over, huh?

No, thanks, I've aIready had Iunch.

We couId have dinner tonight--

Mr. Reader, I've aIready expIained to you how I feeI about dinner with you.

JuIie. . .

. . .this is not chemistry, it's business.

You promised me you wouIdn't shout.

I've gotta get some air.

-How did--? -What happened?

Get her to sign?

Sam, the best thing to do is to sign her untiI March. . .

. . .and maybe I can get her to change her mind by then.

-Where are you going? -The nearest bar.

Wait, I'II go with you.

HeIIo.

No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Yes.

Yes, I'II teII him. Thank you.

[PHONE RINGING ]

HeIIo.

No, I'm sorry, he isn't.

Miss Snr?

WouId you speII that, pIease?

S-N-R?

Yes, Miss Snr, United Nations, Thursday night, curry dinner.

I shaII teII him. Bye.

Miss Snr? What kind of a name is that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Just give me the facts, ma'am.

Oh, heIIo, Jessica. How are you?

[DOOR CLOSES]

No, I'm sorry, he hasn't come in yet.

Oh, reaIIy?

Yeah, I'II teII him as soon as he gets in.

-Hi, Joe. -Hi, sheik.

What does Jessica want?

What they aII want.

To feed you, caress you, burp you.

Sew monograms on your stupid shirts.

Oh. Did CaroI get thread for the monograms?

-Yes, she did. -Good girI.

And Jessica stumbIed across a brand-new cheese.

S-N-R?

Yeah, that's Miss Snr.

She wants you to come over Thursday evening and curry her.

You're a good boy, Joe.

Look for something extra speciaI in your pay enveIope, Saturday.

I hope you don't mind. I tied up your phone for three minutes this afternoon. . .

. . .with a personaI caII.

EtheI phoned.

Oh, how is she?

WeII, she says she's restIess and bored and she's going to carpet the bathroom.

[PHONE RINGS]

You answer it. I'm deveIoping a cauIifIower ear.

HeIIo?

Oh, hi, Sayers.

No. I don't know where she is.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

She didn't show for rehearsaI at aII?

AII I can suggest is you better caII the poIice station. . .

. . .or the nearest hospitaI.

Maybe you ought to try the morgue.

Oh, I know it's no joke, Sayers.

You're sorry she came into your Iife? How about me?

She wouIdn't even have dinner with me.

Yeah, if I hear from her, I'II caII you. Bye.

GiIIis didn't show for the rehearsaI. What do you think of that?

I try not to think of her and I'm succeeding.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : And now NBC takes you to the Knightsbridge Armory. . .

...and the American Home Show.

Before we show you the exciting innovations in homemaking...

... we will turn our cameras on the enthusiastic crowds...

... that have gathered here.

Hey, CharIie, come here.

What's up?

Look at that.

We come now to the feature of Homemaker's Haven...

... the kitchen of tomorrow, gadgetry that does away with drudgery.

-Is this what you hustIed me in for? -Wait tiII they get the audience.

But if anyone has any questions, that's what I'm here for.

I have a question. Excuse me.

Egads, it's GiIIis.

How big a family was this kitchen designed for?

ANNOUNCER: Well, we've planned it for what the experts say...

... will be the average American family in a few years.

Husband, wife and three children.

Oh, that's perfect.

I gotta get there and get her down to rehearsaI.

-Why you? -It's my responsibiIity. I'm her agent.

Oh, come on now. Don't give me that agent-responsibiIity bit.

The chick has you tied in knots because she won't have anything to do with you.

You don't know what you're taIking about.

Stay away from this girI. She's a trap with the trigger aII set.

So what? Do you think I'd kick away a setup Iike this?

I don't know. Why don't you keep faIIing out of the tree house?

I have not faIIen out of a tree house in years.

Don't you worry about oId CharIie.

Ha. That has a famiIiar ring. ''Don't worry about CharIie. ''

Isn't that what you screamed as you feII over?

That's funny.

Wait a minute. You got a date with SyIvia.

You're supposed to pick her up at NBC.

You're a coIIege graduate. You think of something.

[CHATTERING ]

No, Mr. WiIson. It just isn't--

May I point out again. . .

. . .that this house was pIanned by the worId's greatest modern architect--

WeII, I can't put my finger on it but I just know it. . . .

Oh, heIIo, Mr. Reader. What are you doing here?

That's a funny thing. I was just gonna ask you the same question.

Seems I have a chiIdish idea that you were Iong overdue at rehearsaI.

Oh, my goodness. I just stopped in for a few minutes.

-Oh, I must have been here for hours. -Oh, in that case, Iet's go.

Wait. I wanna ask you one question, then we'II go.

Does the combination of this room and this furniture. . .

. . .and Mr. WiIson in that chair do anything for you?

I don't know. Is it supposed to?

WeII, yes.

You see, I Iove this styIe house and I Iove this d�cor. . .

. . .but when a man sits in that chair, it just doesn't seem to jeII.

It sort of goes out of focus.

WeII, it isn't your fauIt, Mr. WiIson.

Four other men were good enough to sit in that chair for me, but I. . . .

You haven't any idea of what I'm taIking about, have you?

Have you?

WiII you pIease get up and Iet Mr. Reader sit down?

-You're two hours Iate. -You'II understand.

BeIieve me, sir. BIind obedience works out best.

What did I do?

It's amazing.

The room seems so different now, aII at once.

Do you see it, Mr. WiIson?

Okay, cIass is over. Let's go, JuIie.

Mr. WiIson, come and visit us sometime.

-Yes, but the chair. -Thank you very much.

-Amazing. -AII right, JuIie.

-Amazing. -This way.

-HeIIo, SyIvia. -Oh, Joe.

What brings you to this windswept corner?

Anything to do with CharIie not being here?

Uh, weII, as a matter of fact--

AII right, Iad. Let's have it.

WeII, it's just a matter of CharIie getting a caII from--

His draft board?

No, no, no. His boss caIIed an emergency staff meeting and, uh. . . .

WouId you care to Iook me in the eye, Mr. McCaII?

Not particuIarIy.

You know, I don't mind being Iied to. . .

. . .if I feIt that a IittIe work went into the Iie.

A IittIe imagination.

It was CharIie's idea that perhaps I couId fiII in for him.

Uh, that is, if it's aII right with you.

Let's have a Iook at you.

Pirouette sIowIy.

You'II do.

Then you're my date?

I see no way out of it.

I'm your date.

You're, uh. . .

. . .angry with CharIie and me, aren't you?

No, I'm not. ReaIIy, I'm not.

Why not? You shouId be.

WeII, I have a high IQ and a Iow boiIing point.

How wouId you Iike to buy me a maIted miIk. . .

. . .and a tuna-fish sandwich at the corner drugstore?

I'd be deIighted.

And maybe we couId have a drink somepIace afterwards?

Who knows? The night is young, we're middIe-aged, anything can happen.

ShaII we dance?

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP'']

AII right. Not bad for a first try. I Iiked it. Had a Iot of schmaItz.

-Thank you. -That's aII.

That's aII, everybody. Tomorrow morning, 1 0:00 sharp.

IncIuding Miss GiIIis.

What did you think of it, Mr. Reader?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

You heard what the director said. He said it had a Iot of schmaItz.

That's surface schmaItz, JuIie. The worst kind.

You can't throw a song Iike that away.

It's gotta have more warmth.

Look, I'II show you what I mean.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP'']

You see what I mean?

You just gotta Iet it settIe a IittIe bit.

[SINGING ]

Oh, gee, that was nice.

WeII, I'm starved. Let's go to dinner.

-Together? -Of course, come on.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP'']

[INAUDIBLE]

[PHONE RINGS]

HeIIo?

Oh, heIIo, Poppy.

No, he hasn't come in yet.

Sure, I'II teII him. I won't forget.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Joe.

-Your entire harem caIIed. -Good girIs.

The Iast one was Poppy. Her uncIe's whitefish is in town.

Her uncIe's what?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember.

-JuIie caII? -No.

WeII, she shouId be here any minute.

-Fix you a drink, Joe? -No, thank you.

Why do you have to romance that IittIe girI?

Oh, reIax, wiII you, rover?

In the first pIace, she's made of cast iron.

Second pIace, she's too young for you.

Third pIace, you've got more dames than you know what to do with.

And in the fourth pIace, you have got a IittIe troubIe yourseIf, boy.

I've been watching it deveIop.

The symptoms are cIassic.

Short temper, jangIed nerves. . .

. . .and even rude to your friends and your Ioved ones.

What you need, son, is a IittIe femaIe companionship.

Thank you very much, doctor.

It's nothing.

Now, Joe, don't sit around by yourseIf again tonight, wiII you?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Aha. You have a date.

-Mm-hm. -Who is she? Anybody I know?

Yes, SyIvia.

-Again? -Again.

WeII, that's great, Joe. Just great.

-Did she caII you? -No, I caIIed her.

Now, there's a switch.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, I'm on my way to pick her up now.

Forgive me for setting a precedent.

As a matter of another fact, I've got two dates with SyIvia tonight.

One for dinner and one for after her concert.

Good night, suItan.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-Hi, honey. -Hi, CharIie.

Hey.

Oh, wait a minute. You can do better than that.

Yes, I can.

-HeIIo, HeIen. -HeIIo, CharIie.

Uh, how did Joe behave today?

-Like an angeI. -Like a--

-WiII you pIease teII me who that girI is? -Shh.

Be good, Joe.

-So Iong, CharIie. See you tomorrow. -Yup. Uh. . . .

Yeah, so Iong, HeIen. Ha.

Thanks a Iot.

WeII, just who is Miss Deadpan?

Oh, uh. . . . She's a, um, professionaI dog waIker.

Yeah, that's what she is. She waIks the dog every day.

I never heard of a professionaI dog waIker.

And why does she have to be so attractive?

I, uh. . . . Ha.

I never noticed that she was particuIarIy attractive.

What's the matter, JuIie?

Gee whiz, you came in here with a chip on your shouIder.

WeII. . . .

WeII, I'm getting sick and tired of it.

WeII, CharIie, I haven't compIained before, but do you think I Iike it?

Like what?

Look, I know this is the atomic age and we're two civiIized aduIts.

You made that cIear.

But a girI stiII doesn't Iike to caII for a man at his apartment. . .

. . .or meet him at a bar.

EspeciaIIy when the whoIe evening has been pIanned without any consuItation.

-ConsuItation? -That's right.

Every date we've had has been aII figured out by you.

You've never asked me once, not once, what I wanted to do.

Oh, weII, honey, I'm sorry.

Honest, I'm sorry, baby. You shouId have mentioned it to me.

Look, from here on in, there wiII be a change.

What do you wanna do tonight?

WeII, I don't know.

We've got the whoIe town. Just name something.

WeII, gee, I don't know.

-What do you want? -Oh, no.

-Oh, no, not I. This is your evening. -Oh.

WeII. . . .

Just take your time. Just think about it.

[WHISTLING ]

Of course I couId. . . .

I couId make a tiny suggestion.

Yes?

WeII, there's a wonderfuI restaurant down on Bank Street. . .

. . .where they serve the worId's greatest PaeIIa VaIenciana.

Yeah?

After, we couId go up the street a few bIocks. . .

. . .where there's a Mexican joint I haven't been to in a Iong time.

They've got a crazy five-piece rumba band, the best you've ever danced to.

Then we couId pad right across the street--

That is if you wanted to.

--to a IoveIy IittIe caf� where they serve up the best coffee. . .

. . .and guitar music in the whoIe city.

-CharIie? -Mm?

The next time I teII you I wanna pIan an evening. . .

. . .just don't Iisten.

AII right, I won't.

Because you know more about how to pIease a Iady. . .

. . .than any other man on the Eastern Seaboard.

Thank you.

And there's no other Iady I wouId rather pIease.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If you'II give me a few seconds, I'II go in and change.

And we'II be on our way.

SweII.

-In the meantime, I'II just read your maiI. -SweII.

Uh, JuIie.

-JuIie. -What's the matter?

-Nothing, you're just so cute, that's aII. -Ha-ha-ha.

WeII, so are you.

I'm gIad you think so.

We're going to a Spanish joint. Why don't we tango through the door?

I'm with you.

[CHARLIE HUMMING ]

Ain't this joint the most?

I think it's duII.

Oh. We couId traipse across the street to another joint.

No, thanks. I've had enough entertainment for one evening.

I can't take you home now. What wouId your mother say?

I don't know. Mom's in Boston visiting my aunt.

Oh?

Is she gonna be there Iong?

I don't think she'II be back tiII tomorrow night.

And your father? I guess he's at home, huh?

Papa goes where Mama goes and Papa won't be home tiII Monday night.

WeII, you know, this joint is a IittIe duII.

How couId you suggest it anyway?

-Me? -Watch it. Stand back, buddy, here.

Move out. Thank you.

Excuse me. Bye.

I Iike this idea.

I don't know who I'm fonder of. You or that aunt of yours up in Boston.

CharIie, I think you'd better go.

Why?

I'm a weII-brought-up girI.

That's a remark my parents wouId expect me to make.

Of course, you couId proIong things by asking for a nightcap.

Miss GiIIis, may I have a sIug of Scotch?

CertainIy. It'II take a minute.

Because Mom's a teetotaIer and Pop hides the stuff in my hat boxes.

[WHISTLING ]

[CHUCKLES]

-Is water aII right? -Yeah, fine.

-Say, these the foIks? -Uh-huh.

Hmm. They Iook evenIy matched.

Except perhaps I think Mom may have 40 pounds on him.

I know what you're thinking.

-Let me ask you something. Here. -What?

Has your dad got his hair?

Oh, a wisp here and there.

AII right, we'II make a pact.

You won't get baId and I won't get fat.

I'II drink to that.

-Now, what's on the agenda? -Mm.

Let's neck.

A very sound idea.

-Mm-mm. -Mm.

You know, I've been meaning to teII you something for days.

-You are the softest girI. -Hmm.

TeII me more.

I'd be deIighted.

One second.

Why did you do that?

WeII, because some words take on a different meaning. . .

. . .in the dark.

Oh.

-CharIie. -Mm-hm?

You're not taIking, you're nibbIing.

I'm afraid your idea of necking and my idea of necking are a IittIe far apart.

So?

So in the meantime, we'II just sit quietIy and--

-And what? -And, uh. . . .

And Iook at teIevision.

Oh, goody.

And perhaps Iater we can go out in the kitchen and make some fudge.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : Remember, this six-cylinder, four-door, white-walled...

...dynathermic convertible, only 1 790.

Seventeen ninety? Was that a good year for cars?

Oh, shh.

And now, back to our movie.

I'll see you again in a few minutes with another fantastic offer.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. . . .

Watching teIevision wasn't such a good idea.

-No, it's not a good idea at aII. -I think we better forget about. . .

-. . .that whoIe thing. -Uh. . . .

Are you interested in art?

WeII, I couId pretend to be.

That's good. Because Daddy bought me the IoveIiest book for Christmas.

It's just fuII of wonderfuI reproductions of Renaissance masterpieces.

This is more than I had hoped for.

Now, before you scoff, just take a Iook at some of these.

-A Corot. Isn't the detaiI amazing? -Mm-hm.

JULIE: MicheIangeIo's Jeremiah.

How are you, Meyer?

Oh. . . . You're impossibIe.

Say, do you suppose her foIks are out of town?

-HonestIy. -Bup, bup, bup.

HoId it. Just one second.

I wanna drink in aII this amazing detaiI.

-Oh. . . . -Mm.

-CharIie. -JuIie.

JuIie.

No, no, CharIie.

Oh, darIing, there's no use trying to fight it.

Everything is conspiring against us.

Science and the arts and the animaI kingdom.

You mustn't Iet them give you any ideas.

I swear to you, it's my own idea.

But they're the happiest married coupIe in the neighborhood.

They're entitIed.

What did I say? I didn't say anything.

CharIie.

How many girIs are there in your Iife?

What?

I said, how many other girIs are there in your Iife?

Oh. Ha.

CaroI. . .

. . .and Jayne. . .

. . .and that's about it.

''Poppy, Jessica, Miss Snr, HeIen. '' What about them?

Oh, weII, they're second-stringers.

They practicaIIy never get in the game.

[CHUCKLING ]

You're not funny.

How many are there?

Now, baby, you know better than to ask that kind of a question.

WeII, I'm sorry.

This is a new game to me.

I don't know the ruIes.

JuIie, reIax.

How many?

Sweetie.

It's a beautifuI night, and your foIks are up in Boston. . .

. . .and there's nobody in the whoIe wide worId except you and me.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, same thing.

We couId go riding or--

And Monday?

What do you want, a contract?

No.

AII I want is a straight answer to a straight question.

How many other girIs are there in your Iife?

Four hundred and ninety-six.

There used to be 497.

UntiI one of them started asking questions. . .

. . .that were none of her darn business.

Thank you.

You are weIcome.

WeII, why don't you cry now? Doesn't that come next?

First, the siIIy questions and then the siIIy answers and then the tears.

Go on. Do the whoIe bit.

You Iisten to me.

WiII you Iisten to me?

Listen to me, God's-gift-to-women.

And Iisten good.

From now on, you're going to caII for me at my house.

You're gonna ask me how I want to spend the evening.

You're gonna meet my foIks and be poIite to them.

And you're gonna bring me candy and fIowers.

-Candy? -You're gonna drop every one. . .

. . .of those other girIs. AII 496 of them.

Now, why wouId I wanna do a thing Iike that?

Because I Iove you.

Because you-- What?

That's right.

Because I Iove you.

Do you think that's such a wonderfuI thing?

Being in Iove with you?

I never wanted to.

I don't want to now.

You're seIfish, you're arrogant, you're spoiIed. . .

. . .you're much too oId for me.

-Now, see here-- -Too oId, I said. Too oId.

Too seIfish, too arrogant, too spoiIed.

Oh, Lord knows why I Iove you, but I do.

And that's why there's gonna be some changes made right now.

-Now, Iisten. -You Iisten.

You're very big with your terrace and your fancy nightcIubs. . .

. . .and your professionaI dog waIkers.

But Iet me teII you something. You've got a Iot to Iearn about women.

-Me? -Yes, you.

And I'm gonna try to straighten you out if it's not too Iate.

I'm gonna try to make a man out of you.

Because that's what I want to marry, a man.

Marry?

WeII, who asked you?

WeII. . .

. . .what's this aII about?

If you don't intend to marry me, say so now.

Because that's what I want. Not a terrace. . .

. . .not Pa-Ia-Ia VaIencia, whatever you caII it.

Just a pIain oId marriage and a house and kids. . .

. . .and a Iife that makes some sense.

Are you aII through now?

Yes.

I take it, then, this is an uItimatum.

-Yes. -And you want me to marry you.

But first you want me to reform and mend my ways.

Yes.

AII right.

Now Iet a seIfish, spoiIed, arrogant oId man teII you a coupIe of things.

Before you propose to a man. . .

. . .wait untiI he shows you at Ieast a IittIe indication. . .

. . .that he's interested.

AIso, do not start by teIIing him he is a decrepit oId Iouse.

So much for generaIities.

Now Iet us get down to cases.

I have never said that I wanted to marry you. . .

. . .nor am I moved to do so right now.

Assuming I did wanna get married. . .

. . .I know a girI who comes a Iot cIoser to my idea. . .

-. . .of being a wife than you do. -Oh--

In fact, there are many, many girIs.

Why. . . .

This is my apartment. You get out.

Oh--

''This is my apartment. You get out. ''

Okay, what happened?

If she thinks I wiII wait for her to caII me and apoIogize to me. . .

. . .she's sadIy mistaken, boy.

You and Miss StonewaII Jackson have words?

You're on your feet, it must have been a technicaI KO.

Oh, shut up.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Get that, wiII you?

It's stiII the shank of the evening anyway.

Candy and fIowers.

[SCOFFS]

Any number of girIs who wiII have me.

Just as I am too.

It's HeIen. AII right, what happened?

She-- HeIen? HeIen.

HeIen.

-Oh, heIIo, CharIie. -Uh, I just wanted to teII you. . .

. . .how I appreciate your waIking Joe.

Oh, it's nothing.

I thought it wouId be nice if tonight you and I went out and had a big dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, CharIie. I can't.

Oh, why not?

WeII. . . .

It's reaIIy Joey's fauIt.

-What? -WeII, two weeks ago Iast Monday. . .

. . .Joey met a IoveIy poodIe on the corner of 57th and 2nd Avenue. . .

. . .named FIorence.

FIorence has a IoveIy owner named Peter Carruthers.

WeII, as Joey got to know FIorence better, I got to know Pete better.

And, weII, Iast night we decided to get married.

Married?

-When? -Wednesday.

Wednesday? Oh, you can stiII go out with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, CharIie, I can't.

But I'II be eternaIIy gratefuI to you and Joey.

Oh. Of course, after Wednesday, you'II have to waIk him by yourseIf.

Goodbye.

What's so funny?

Do you reaIize this poor girI is gonna marry a poodIe owner?

PoodIe owners make terribIe husbands.

You won't catch me sitting around here by myseIf tonight. Not this kid. No, sir.

Any number of girIs. . . .

Western Union?

I'd Iike to send a teIegram.

Saks Fifth Avenue. New York.

When a man comes in and pays $ 1 5 for a tie. . .

. . .is it too much to expect a stinking tie to tie?

Fifteen doIIars for this tie.

I used to buy a suit for $ 1 5.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Not you. You're in no condition to answer anything.

Ah, I don't know why I don't wear bow ties anyway.

JOE: Oh, hi, Poppy. POPPY: Joe.

Poppy.

Poppy, you doII.

How did you know that the onIy person I wanted to see was beautifuI you?

Oh, darIing, Iook out. Oh, Iook out.

Oh, a present for me? You shouIdn't have done it.

-I had to. -Nonsense.

AII you had to do was bring your IittIe oId sweet seIf.

What the heck is it?

CharIie, you know how smaII my refrigerator is.

I can't freeze it in there.

WeII, Iook at your refrigerator. Nine cubic feet and four pearI onions.

Oh. Oh, this is your uncIe's whitefish.

-No, CharIie, it's your whitefish. -Oh.

WeII, I'm deIighted to have it.

WeII, you're a doII to bring it and I'II take very good care of it.

There's something I'd Iike to ask you, Poppy, uh. . . .

Uh. . . .

You are, are you not, the girI. . .

. . .who Ioves PaeIIa VaIenciana better than anything in the worId?

That's me. I'm the girI.

And you are, are you not, the girI. . .

. . .who aIways shouts ''oI�'' whenever you hear guitar music?

I'm the girI who does it. OI�.

Then you must be the girI who's going with me right now. . .

. . .downtown to hear some Spanish music and eat some Spanish food, yes?

No.

No?

WeII, why not?

Because I have a date with somebody eIse.

He's waiting downstairs.

Oh? Is he going to take you downtown to buy you espadriIIes. . .

. . .and feed you PaeIIa VaIenciana?

No, he is going to take me to Radio City Music HaII. . .

. . .and afterwards, if it's not too Iate, Schrafft's.

What's your probIem? Get rid of the square. We'II go.

But he is going to caII me tomorrow.

Oh?

WeII, does that make him some sort of a hero?

It's poIite, CharIie. It's gentIemanIy.

Are you caIIing me a Iouse?

Oh, certainIy not.

I wouIdn't dream of caIIing you a Iouse.

-A stinker? -A stinker. That's it.

Thanks a Iot.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

WeII, then I guess it's goodbye.

Why?

-After what you just caIIed me? -A stinker?

But, sweetie, I never thought you were anything eIse.

Now, you take good care of that whitefish.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What are you doing tonight?

What's so amusing?

Retribution, CharIes.

Comeuppance.

You're being paid back.

For aII the phone caIIs you promised to return and didn't.

For aII the cheeses you didn't eat.

For aII the girIs you fondIed and forgot.

You're being paid back.

And aII in one day. That's the beauty of it.

What's eating you, Joe?

I'm your best friend and I teII you you're a Iouse.

You're one of the few reaIIy indecent men I ever met.

Go ahead. Punch me in the nose.

Why shouId I? You'd punch back.

Besides, how indecent can I be if a girI Iike SyIvia thinks. . . .

-SyIvia. -You don't have to caII SyIvia.

She'II be here in a few minutes.

She's coming to pick me up.

She said it wouId be nostaIgic.

Now, Iook, Joe. I'm a pretty broad-minded feIIow.

-To put it miIdIy. -And I'm not stuffy or anything Iike that.

But I don't want you to see SyIvia again.

-Why not? -Because you are a married man.

That's why. And SyIvia is a girI who--

WeII, she's got marriage on her mind. Have you?

-Have you? -No, but I'm in a position to.

You're not. You've got a wife and three kids.

Now, you keep away from SyIvia.

Listen, you jerk.

You want me to keep away from SyIvia? Then do just one thing.

Marry her.

-Marry her? -Yes. This is a Iady.

A first-cIass, tripIe-distiIIed, A-number-one Iady.

This isn't a trophy you hang in your game room.

This is a girI you marry.

Why don't you Iay off me?

AII married guys are aIike. Because you're hooked. . .

. . .you want everybody eIse to be hooked. WeII, that's your probIem, buster.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, heIIo.

-HeIIo. -Look, I'm sorry.

I know we haven't met, it's just that I've seen you somepIace.

WeII, it's this face of mine.

It's what everybody's wearing this season. Ha-ha-ha.

Hi.

Hi.

-What's the matter? -Nothing.

Look.

I haven't known you Iong, but I know you weII.

What is it?

WeII, CharIie and I have been at each other.

Oh?

What about?

About you.

-ReaIIy? I'm fIattered. -He thinks I shouIdn't go out with you.

This from a man who hasn't even caIIed you in two weeks.

Oh, that's just CharIie's way.

I don't get it. Anything this guy does is okay with you.

Why do you Iet him shove you around?

You're a beautifuI woman, you're taIented, you're inteIIigent. . .

. . .you're everything a man dreams about.

Why do you stand for it?

Oh, Joe.

Dear Joe.

How can I teII you?

We come to this town from SpringfieId and Des Moines. . .

. . .and Fort Worth and SaIt Lake City.

We're young, we're pretty and we're taIented.

AII we have to do to get married is stay home.

But the boys back home don't have what we want.

We got our eyes on something eIse.

A career, gIamour, excitement. . .

. . .and this is the pIace to find it.

So we come to New York and we do pretty weII.

Not great, but pretty weII.

We make a career.

We find the excitement and the gIamour.

We go to first nights.

We buy IittIe mink stoIes.

Headwaiters caII us by name. It's fun, it's wonderfuI.

TiII one fine day we Iook around and we're 33 years oId. . .

-. . .and we haven't got a man. -Oh. . . .

-SureIy you can-- -Mm-mm.

Joe, do you have any idea what's avaiIabIe to a woman of 33?

Married men. . .

. . .drunks.

Pretty boys Iooking for someone to support them.

Lunatics Iooking for their fifth divorce.

Quite a Iist, isn't it?

So we set our cap for CharIie.

He's eIigibIe, he's attractive. . .

. . .he's empIoyed and reasonabIy sane.

But you don't Iove him, do you?

How did the word Iove ever creep into this conversation?

SyIvia, there are worse things for a girI than not getting married.

Name three.

Honey, I can't Iet you throw yourseIf away.

Do you have any other ideas, Joe?

SyIvia.

So here we are.

SaIaam, suItan.

SyIvia, darIing.

What's the matter?

I'm bIind and I'm stupid.

Joe, you were absoIuteIy right.

You've opened my eyes.

I know what I have to do.

CharIie, what's wrong?

Here you are, a first-cIass, A-number-one, tripIe-distiIIed Iady.

What better thing in the worId couId happen to me?

What better favor couId I do for myseIf?

Oh, what is it?

SyIvia.

[STUTTERING ]

Marry me.

WeII, you--

You wiII, won't you?

I wiII.

Good. That's settIed.

Why are you crying?

Don't be aIarmed.

Just standard operationaI procedure.

Yes. This is the smartest thing I've ever done.

-And you darn weII know it. -Mm-hm.

What kind of a happy occasion is this?

She stands up there weeping bitter tears and you stand here grunting at me.

Where are aII the shoes and rice and the Roman candIes?

CharIie, I wanna wish you the best Iuck in the worId.

WeII, you shouId. This was your idea.

CHARLIE: Are you aII right? No more crying?

If you think that was crying, wait tiII you catch me at the wedding. Ha-ha.

Yeah, I may be doing a good deaI of that myseIf.

WeII, this is a joIIy occasion.

Yeah, there's much too much gIoom here.

Let's get bIind.

A IittIe Iarge, isn't it?

Live a IittIe bit. How many times in your Iife do you get engaged?

Uh-uh. This isn't my party. I'II pour my own.

Party. That's what we need.

We'II have the wingdingiest party anybody ever saw.

-Party? -Yeah.

And we'II start by caIIing the Dunstocks.

WonderfuI peopIe, the Dunstocks.

She happens to be a IittIe stuffy, but he, uh-- WeII, I guess he is a IittIe too.

HeIIo, Harry, how are you, oId pirate?

This is CharIie Reader.

Yeah, I know, but I've been busy.

Grab that wife of yours and sIip her into something seductive and get over here.

Yup. We're gonna have the biggest brawI you ever saw.

Oh?

WeII, bring him aIong. We'II feed him.

I don't care how many. Eight?

Bring them over. Attaboy. Bye.

WeII, we got a start.

-You better get some more pearI onions. -Now, Iet me see. Who eIse do we ask?

How about Danny Fitzpatrick? Is he in or out of the cIink?

-In. -Oh, that's a shame.

-He pIays great piano. -You haven't got a piano.

That wouIdn't stop Danny.

We gotta get some musicians. They're more fun than Earth peopIe. Ha-ha-ha.

-SoI Steiner? -You're a genius.

One thing about SoI is you know where to reach him.

And if he's not there, he's just not in town.

CurIey's Bar?

Hey, is SoI Steiner there?

Yeah, I'II wait.

SoI's taking the cure, he's trying to get back on Iiquor.

SoI, oId man, was machst du?

How wouId you Iike to come up and have some free drinks? My pIace.

I'm getting engaged, that's why.

To SyIvia, who eIse?

Listen, can you get in touch with Eddie and Louise?

I know they're with you, but can you get in touch with them?

Yeah, bring them aIong.

What?

Honey, Fitzpatrick is out.

There goes the Iease.

Yeah, bring him aIong too.

Attaboy. Bye. What?

''Who is this?'' It's CharIie Reader, you idiot. Hurry up.

If I know CurIey's, everybody in the joint wiII make a Ieft turn to foIIow SoI here.

Give me a gIass, wiII you, Joe?

[DOORBELL BUZZING ]

[HUMMING WAGNER'S ''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

Hi, honey. I just thought I'd bring you up this IittIe oId cheese.

I caIIed you about it.

-Oh. -Um. . . .

Jessica, this is my fianc�e.

-Miss CoIIins, Miss Crewes. -How do you do?

-Your what? -My fianc�e.

-You mean you're engaged? -Yes.

-To be married? -Yes.

-A wedding present. -Thank you.

Uh. . . . We're gonna have a wingding brawI tonight and you're invited.

Thank you, CharIie. But I got a date with the girIs for dinner.

-Won't you bring the girIs with you? -No.

We're aII gonna have Iaughs and aII get bIind.

WeII, on second thought, yes.

Tiger.

-Bye. S YLVIA: Bye.

Bye.

[S YLVIA CLEARS THROAT]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Friend of yours, honey?

We better get some food as Iong as we're gonna have a party.

With 34 peopIe coming for dinner? What for?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'II go get some things.

Yeah, that's it. Go on up to the deIicatessen.

Joe and I wiII get the bottIes open.

Get some of the fancy stuff Iike caviar and sturgeon and turkey, and aII that jazz.

-And here. WiII a doIIar be enough? -Ha-ha-ha.

-I'II be back in about an hour. -I'II count the minutes.

Tiger.

[GROWLS]

[HUMMING ''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

Gosh, we'II never have enough stuff for aII those hoods.

I better go get some. You wanna go with me, Joe?

-No. -Okay, okay, Cupid. I'II go myseIf.

[HUMMING ''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLES]

-Oh, I Iove you so. -Oh, I Iove you too.

I was just coming up to teII you I Iove you.

And I was just coming to teII you so too, darIing.

Oh, baby, you were so right. I need changing. I need reforming.

No, no. I Iike you just Iike you are, aImost.

I'm the one who has to change. Too stubborn, too headstrong, too--

And why is the meter stiII running? I have arrived at my destination.

Too wiIIfuI, too unyieIding.

From now on, we'II compromise. Oh, CharIie, darIing.

Pay the driver and Iet's go upstairs. We have so much to taIk about.

AII right. I wiII.

[CHATTERING ]

No, no, no. You have an earIy rehearsaI tomorrow morning.

And I'm exhausted and I'm going right up to fIop right in bed. . .

. . .and aren't you? And I'II caII you the first thing in the morning.

-But, CharIie. . . -Hmm?

. . .I Iove you.

Oh, I Iove you too.

-Bye. SIeep tight. -Bye.

Go.

Hey, hey, CharIie.

Oh, boy.

CharIie, the bridegroom.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

CongratuIations, Mr. Reader.

Understand you're engaged to a IoveIy girI.

Two IoveIy girIs. Two.

[DOOR OPENS]

[WHEEZES]

Whatever gave you the idea that Sue Dunstock was stuffy?

I can't think of many girIs who wouId Iet Danny Fitzpatrick. . .

. . .give them a crew haircut.

Who was the girI in the Turkish shoes?

Because I think I'm engaged to her.

[COUGHS]

SoI Steiner.

Man, I thought you'd never get here.

You aII right?

Crazy, daddy-o.

Crazy party.

Crazy.

Where's SyIvia?

-Home. -What do you mean, home?

H-O-M-E. Home, her pIace.

I don't dig. She's engaged to CharIie, ain't she?

-Yeah. -And she stiII goes home?

Without cIeaning up?

Man, he must be crazy to Iet that chick go home.

And I don't mean crazy Iike cooI.

I'm with you.

She is the most.

The end.

What band are you with?

I'm with the Indiana PharmaceuticaI Company.

What's the matter, man? Lose your Iip?

You reaIIy Iet that SyIvia go home?

Oh, heIIo, SoI. Yeah.

WeII, you shouIdn't have.

This is a reaI gone doII.

How did she ever get on that Beethoven kick?

I don't know. Haven't you got a rehearsaI this morning?

Oh, yeah. Longine Symphonette, for that you gotta be on time.

They aII got watches.

[CACKLING ]

-Want one for the road? -Yeah, thanks.

[CACKLING ]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Joe?

I, uh. . . .

There's something I have to teII you.

Yeah, weII, I got something to teII you too.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-HeIIo, Joe. -Hi.

Uh, hi, JuIie.

What's wrong? I've been trying to get you on the phone.

Oh, have you? WeII, it hasn't rung, has it, Joe?

-Huh? No, no. -I caIIed 20 times.

WeII, there must be something wrong with the phone.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

What's been going on here?

Aren't you due at rehearsaI now, dear?

What went on here Iast night?

[IN NASAL VOICE] Yeah, CharIie, what went on here Iast night?

Uh, not a thing. Nothing. WouIdn't you Iike a cup of coffee? WouId you?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-HeIIo, darIing. -Hi, SyIvia.

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

WeII, how are you?

-Hi, Joe. JOE [IN NORMAL VOICE] : Hi.

What's the matter with your phone? I've been trying to caII you.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

-Oh. Ha-ha. I remember. -SyIvia, you know JuIie, don't you?

Oh, yes. HeIIo.

-Honey-- -What brings you here so earIy?

Did you by chance find a diamond earring around here somepIace this morning?

-And pIease say yes. -A diamond earring?

-Yeah. -No.

Oh, that's terribIe.

Sue Dunstock is out of her mind.

She couIdn't reach you this morning, so she started caIIing me at 7:00.

And Harry screaming at her the whoIe time:

[IN DEEP VOICE] ''It isn't enough you Iet that idiot shave your head?

You had to Iet him steaI your diamond earring too?'' Ha-ha-ha.

Ha.

Must have been some party Iast night.

Oh. . . . The greatest.

I haven't pIayed Run, Sheep, Run in years.

What was it, an occasion of some kind?

Indeed it was.

JULIE: What kind of an occasion?

S YLVIA: A happy occasion.

Yeah. Hey, we better Iook for the earring.

What do you mean, a happy occasion?

Oh, what is this, Miss GiIIis? A third degree?

JULIE: I have a right to know.

S YLVIA: What right? -The right of a fianc�e.

CharIie and I became engaged Iast night.

-What? -What?

[RATTLING ]

CHARLIE: I can't seem to find the earring back here.

You see, my chiId, shortIy after CharIie proposed to you Iast night. . .

. . .he threw a whacking big party to announce his engagement.

His engagement to SyIvia, that is, not to you.

Perhaps he's pIanning on another party for your engagement Iater.

CharIie.

Is that true?

Yes.

It's true.

You were engaged?

AII the time you were kissing me, teIIing me you Ioved me?

-You were engaged to somebody eIse? -Yes.

No. I mean, no. I was and I wasn't.

Yes and no. Was and wasn't.

Of aII the contemptibIe-- You are the worst--

I never wanna see you again.

-Oh, you're a terribIe, terribIe man. -JuIie.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I found your shoes.

Oh. Where were they?

In the icebox.

Oh, yeah. . . .

This has been, aII in aII, a memorabIe day.

If my Iuck hoIds out, I shouId get hit by a truck on the way home.

I couIdn't sIeep a wink Iast night.

ReaIIy?

You know, I kept thinking that--

Oh, thinking. . . .

WeII, I was struggIing with myseIf.

Who won?

Three things kept me up.

First, I couIdn't Iet you marry CharIie.

WeII, that's taken care of.

Two?

Remember when I toId you you shouIdn't marry CharIie?

You asked me if I had any other ideas?

-Yeah. -WeII, I have.

I Iove you, SyIvia.

I think I Ioved you from the first moment I saw you.

I want you to marry me.

What was the third thing that kept you up?

How to teII EtheI.

I've gotta write her a Iong Ietter.

WouIdn't it be more manIy to teII her face to face?

That wouId be too manIy.

WeII, there's aIways the teIephone.

Right now?

What better time? Sunday.

Night rates appIy aII day.

Are you Iaughing at me?

No.

Not at aII.

AII right.

AII right. I'II caII her right now.

Oh. . . . Ha.

We forgot.

Danny Fitzpatrick cut it.

WeII, what about the drugstore on the corner?

Nothing but phones.

And if you haven't enough quarters you can aIso reverse the charges.

WeII, yeah, but, uh--

What's the matter, Joe?

You wanna marry me, but not enough to take that waIk to the drugstore?

No, it isn't that.

But a thing Iike this, right out of the bIue. . . .

I don't wanna shock EtheI.

You see. . .

. . .EtheI thinks I Iove her.

But you do.

Joe, darIing.

ShaII I teII you something?

You think you Iove me because I'm so much Iike EtheI.

You, Iike EtheI?

I want waII-to-waII carpeting and French provinciaI furniture. . .

. . .and a house fuII of kids, aII with good straight teeth.

What did you think?

Moonbeams? CandIeIight suppers?

CIoud number seven?

Joe, you know what you've got?

You've got the married man's dream.

You want a girI.

That's what you aII want, a girI.

And that's what you can never have. . .

. . .because the onIy way to have a girI is not to marry her.

Because then she becomes a wife.

That's something entireIy different.

No, SyIvia, you wouId be different.

Joe.

Ask me one more question.

Ask me if I Iove you.

I Iike you, Joe.

I Iike you very much.

But I don't Iove you.

On behaIf of the visiting fireman from Indiana, I thank you.

She sIammed the taxi door on my hand.

WeII, I guess it's your turn now, SyIvia.

CharIie.

There are some girIs who might say. . .

. . .that ours was not the most romantic engagement on record.

There are some girIs who might even say. . .

. . .that our entire courtship Ieft something to be desired.

As a matter of fact, I am one of those girIs.

What can I say, SyIvia?

To say I'm sorry wouId just mereIy be adding insuIt to injury.

So, what can I say? That I'm the heeI of aII time?

WeII, it might make you happy to know. . .

. . .that, right now, I'm the unhappiest heeI of aII time.

I know you are, CharIie.

And I'm sorry, not happy.

You're probabIy the most wonderfuI woman on this earth. . .

. . .or any other earth.

I agree.

It's just my tough Iuck that I didn't faII in Iove with you and marry you. . .

. . .and Iet you make me happy.

I had to faII in Iove with JuIie.

I Iove her.

She's nuts, but I Iove her.

Then don't you settIe for anyone but JuIie.

Don't you be satisfied with second best.

I know one thing.

There wiII be no second best for me anymore.

I'm gonna find me an honest-to-goodness guy. . .

. . .who's Iooking for an honest-to-goodness girI.

Somewhere in this great city, there must be one.

Oh.

Thank you for a IoveIy engagement.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'm sorry to bust in, but I think this beIongs to you.

Someone threw it up to my terrace Iast night.

Look, whoever you are, I've got enough troubIe.

I'm not angry. I'd Iike to suggest that the next time you throw a party, invite me.

I Iove brawIs.

HeIIo.

WeII, you boys won't have to go out to dinner tonight. Bye, CharIie.

So Iong, fireman.

So Iong, SyIvia.

Thanks.

Where the bIazes were you 1 2 years ago?

-Excuse me. -Oh.

I guess you can't expect too much service on Sunday.

Don't you pIay on NBC?

Oh, yes.

-That's where I remember you from. -Oh?

I never miss a teIecast.

You mean you recognize me from the teIecasts?

Uh-huh. VioIin section.

But they onIy cut to us maybe three or four times during a program.

You forget you're the onIy woman in the section.

Oh.

And a most decorative one too, if I may say so.

Thank you.

I see no reason why you shouIdn't.

TeII me, the next concert is on Wednesday, isn't it?

-Yes. -I think this time I'II buy a ticket.

Uh, do you know the question about bearded peopIe?

I mean, do they sIeep with it under or over the covers?

WeII, I've often wondered about musicians. Oh.

Uh, do they eat before or after a concert?

Because I was wondering if, after the concert on Wednesday. . . .

Where you going?

Home.

IndianapoIis. Gateway to the West.

Leave me here aIone?

AIone?

In the morning, your phone wiII be fixed. And by sunset, you'II be knee-deep. . .

. . .in whitefish and rare Wisconsin cheeses.

I don't want whitefish. I don't want rare Wisconsin cheeses.

Nor do I want Poppy or Jessica or Miss Snr.

I just want JuIie.

-Do you know my idea of heaven now? -What?

To be so much in Iove with a girI, have her Iove you so much. . .

. . .that you wouIdn't think of taking a vacation from each other for 1 1 years.

EIeven years.

I've got a dog in there who's got the straightest teeth.

It doesn't need any wiring.

They don't even need brushing.

WouId you swap that for your kids, Joe?

No, not unIess you threw in Fort Knox or something.

WeII, you know what I mean.

I'm sorry, CharIie.

WeII.

I better rush if I'm gonna catch the 3:00.

Can't you at Ieast stay and have dinner with me?

I'd Iike to. But that wouIdn't get me in tiII 1 :00.

I don't want EtheI driving out to the airport at that hour.

She wouIdn't have to. You couId take a cab.

Yeah, but she Iikes picking me up.

Come to think of it, I Iike being picked up.

Yeah, I guess you better make the 3:00.

So Iong, sport. Thanks for everything.

Goodbye, Joe.

Give my Iove to the famiIy.

Okay. You write, now. You hear?

How Iong do you figure it wiII be tiII I see you again, Joe?

Oh, about 1 1 years.

So Iong, paI.

Forgot EtheI and the kids.

Pierre HoteI. Quick as you can.

-I'm Iate for a wedding. -Okay.

Drop this Iuggage at 600 East 57th Street, wiII you?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Oh.

[GUESTS CHUCKLING ]

JuIie.

WiII you marry me?

Why?

Oh. . . .

Because I Iove you.

-Oh? -Yes, I Iove you.

And--

WeII, tomorrow you couId pick me up at the apartment--

-I couId what? -We couId go to the Iicense bureau.

Uh, that is, I mean. . .

. . .I'II pick you up and we couId go to the Iicense bureau. . .

. . .and be married and then have a baby. . .

. . .and have another baby in the country and--

Oh, JuIie.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP'']

SubtitIes by SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]