Original subtitles

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Hello!

- Hello, peoples! - Hello.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.

And in this show...

James stands in a park,

I panic in a shop...

...and Richard is touched by a man.

All that is coming later.

It is not!

Yes, it is. But first, we start with this.

This is the new Ford GT,

and we have had thousands of letters from people,

all asking the same thing -

"We know it's fast, very fast,

but is it faster than an airliner?"

Well, not thousands of letters.

Er... no, not thousands of letters.

- You mean, none. - Yes. We've had no letters at all.

But I was interested in finding out anyway,

so this week, The Grand Tour is off to New York.

And here it is.

Deep inside the concrete canyons of Manhattan...

...the fastest, most beautiful,

most expensive car Ford has ever made.

Some are saying that it's just a 647-horsepower racing car for the road,

but actually, it's a lot more than that.

First things first - it is very practical.

It's got a boot which is the exact same size

as the glove box on a Renault Clio,

so you can get your luggage in easily.

And unlike the previous GT,

it's got doors that you can open in a car park

cos they go up rather than out.

And you can get inside even if you have a head.

However, the seat doesn't move.

In order to get comfortable, what you have to do is

move the steering wheel to where you want it

and then you move the pedals.

Pull this sort of ratchet strap here, and...

Right.

Is that... Is that fixed?

The problem with this moving-pedal arrangement is

that when I push the brake,

how do I know whether I'm applying the brakes

or just pushing the pedal further away?

How do I know whether it's locked?

I don't!

After some nerve-racking city-centre miles

with a swallowy Adam in my Big Apple...

...I arrived in Central Park, the start point of the race

that no one's been asking about.

And dressed like everyone else,

my rival was waiting.

There he is, Mr Slowly.

- Morning. - Hang on.

Right, what's the plan?

Well, we're going to find out

whether it's faster to fly or drive

from here to the Canadian border.

- Fly. - Well, you say that,

but if you look on a map...

...you, because you're not using a car,

will have to go from here in Central Park

on a train to JFK, then fly to Buffalo

and then use a bus to get to the finish line

at the Niagara Falls, where I'll be waiting for you.

You won't be waiting for me.

I will. This thing does 216 miles an hour!

Yes, I know, but where, between there and there,

are you gonna do 216 miles an hour?

Yes, but you've got to spend two hours at JFK being touched inappropriately

and giving them your toothpaste.

Anyway, you've got a handicap.

- What handicap? - Here it is!

Seriously? I thought he was in hospital.

No, you mean you hoped he was in hospital, but he isn't!

He's come all the way out here.

He's keen to get back to work.

So I've become a carer, is that what you're saying?

Yes. Morning, Hammond.

- Morning, chaps! How are you? - We're very well.

You do know this is a race car, don't you?

Yes, apart from the fact it's got indicators and a rear-view mirror and...

Yeah, but it was built to go racing,

and you do know racing cars never work on the road.

After an hour in this, you'll be scared you're gonna to die.

After two hours, you'll be scared in case you don't die.

Shall we just get on with this?

- Ready? - Yes!

What was that?

- Nothing, nothing. - That looks tremendous!

I've got it up again now. That was in its V-Max mode.

Right. Ready, steady...

Yes.

Go.

He hasn't got a chance, has he?

He has if you just stand there. Let's go!

It's this way, come on.

There we are, leaving the park.

This is good.

Come on, Hammond.

Yeah, good teamwork.

Come on!

Oh, it's good to be back!

As this was a race between the car and public transport,

we'd be using two subway trains, the AirTrain to JFK,

a plane to Buffalo and then two buses to the finish point

at the Niagara Falls.

Clarkson, meanwhile, had a simple 420-mile thrash

from one side of New York State to the other.

Yes! They're green on 89th.

And they're green on 90th.

We are screaming along now.

There are some steps here. Can you manage?

Yes! Er...

Hammond, there's more.

"Start to begin. English.

Fast MetroCard. Cash".

Not everybody gives a running commentary

as they get a card, most people just do it.

Finally, I'd been caught at a red light,

but that was OK because I had an important call to make.

Thank you for calling JetBlue. How may I help you?

Good morning, my name's Jeremy Clarkson.

You have a James May and Richard Hammond

booked on this morning's flight from JFK to Buffalo.

Sure. Do you have their confirmation number, and can you spell their last names?

I don't have a confirmation number.

What I can tell you is that they've been accidentally booked by the office

into business class.

That's not company policy, so could you drop them back down to economy?

Sure, let me take a look.

OK, I will make this update in their reservation

and we will email you a confirmation.

Is there anything else we can help with?

No, not for the moment, thanks. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm on form this morning!

As was the world's worst carer.

Come on!

With the world's clumsiest driver stuck in a barrier...

...I was getting used to the monster

that was powering me through Manhattan.

I used to own the old Ford GT,

and that was a brilliant car in every way

apart from the fact that it was the size of a football pitch,

I knocked myself out every time I closed the door,

I couldn't see what was coming at junctions,

and it had such a small fuel tank

that it could only go about six yards between fill-ups.

This new version, however, is completely different.

It is longer than the car I had, and wider

and harder to see out of, and incredibly,

the fuel tank's even smaller.

It only holds 12 gallons.

And that means that on this 420-mile race,

I'm gonna have to fill up... twice.

Eek.

It also has literally the hardest ride of any car I've ever driven.

I know New York's roads are atrocious, but this is stiff.

This is... This is stiffer than Ron Jeremy.

Meanwhile...

This is us.

Other than throwing myself down the stairs,

this is all I've got.

Right, we missed that one.

In the GT, I was already leaving Manhattan.

Right, we've got to go across the Georgy Washington Bridge.

Heading for New Jersey.

Annoyingly though, my storming progress

was about to be halted by roadworks.

This traffic's worse than I thought it was going to be.

Come on!

Er... James?

Nothing, don't worry.

- What? - Nothing.

Yeah, but it means both of them, not just this one.

Come and see the man without a disability sitting in the special seat!

- Ow! - There's nobody else disabled down here.

I'd be better if I could sit in that special seat that's reserved for me.

It's reserved for disabled people.

- Like me! - You're not disabled!

Temporarily, yes, I am!

You're not disabled, you've had a playground injury

as a result of your own half-wittedness.

- Oh! - That's not disabled.

I'm surprised you don't do more charity work with the differently abled.

Yes.

Lot of love for the fast Ford here.

There always is, of course, cos they're seen as sort of blue-collar heroes.

That said, this one is $400,000.

You can actually have two Ferraris for the price of one of these. Two!

Meanwhile, Hammond was heading for the next subway train

with the help of Captain Compassionate.

Come on, come on, come on! Come on!

Come on!

That's gone, then. Yeah.

What happened there is, basically, we missed the train

because you don't know to slow down when it says "finish" across the road.

- Oh, nice! - Sorry to put it bluntly like that,

but that's exactly what happened.

I, meanwhile, was off the bridge,

and at last the GT had some space to stretch its legs.

Right, now, the roads are opening up a bit,

time to see what this V6 can do.

Right, here we go - opening the taps!

Bloody Nora!

Aagh!

What a machine!

What an astonishing engine!

It's a turbo-charged V6, not a V8,

which it should be in a Ford GT,

and it shares 60% of its components with the engine in a Ford pick-up truck.

Yet somehow, it feels like a mad Caterham

when you put your foot down.

I also love the way they haven't messed around with the sound this engine makes.

There's no electronic trickery,

no artificial barks and bangs,

it's just a raucous, deafening racket.

As Jeremy deafened himself in New Jersey,

we had finished with the subways

and were about to board the train to the airport.

- The train will be in three minutes. - Thank you.

I'm gonna call May, see how they're doing.

Who would you like to call?

Vagina.

I've had to change his name in my contacts.

It's not normally Vagina, it's worse than that.

Hello, it's me. You rang.

You'll have to really speak up, my car's quite noisy.

I want to know, what time do you get to JFK?

We will get to JFK in 25 minutes' time.

This is embarrassing, you're making a scene.

I'm hoping to get the 11 minutes past one flight.

Hello? May!

You know what? He's done some Bluetoothing, hasn't he?

Oh, look.

- Oh. - That's not worked, has it?

What a bloody noise, honestly!

- What can I do about it? - Put some springs in them or something.

On the freeway,

I was falling even more under the spell of the GT.

This car was actually developed

by a team of just 20 people,

and they did it under the radar of Ford's management.

They had no idea it was going on.

Their only contribution to it was insisting it had

a little sort of glove-box thing down here in front of the seat

so that when they were testing it on the streets of Detroit,

they had somewhere to store their Glocks.

And it does actually feel like it was put together by a small team.

It doesn't feel like the product of a mass-market manufacturer.

There's nothing subtle or damped or gentle about anything it does.

I just love it!

On the AirTrain,

we too were finally making swift progress.

- That's quite good, isn't it? - That's excellent.

How fast would you say this was going?

It's probably 60mph.

That's great!

Observe - the train is going faster than the cars.

Not my car, it wasn't.

As we are now in the steady cruise,

I've put it in "comfort", and I can relax.

The office has provided me with an audiobook,

which will help me do just that. Here we go.

I knew innately that

loosening them meant turning them anti-clockwise,

a tiny hairspring that contracted...

Sadly, it turned out to be

a James May talking book on how to mend things.

What I didn't appreciate at the age of five

was the facility that the freshly wound mainspring had

for completing the disassembly process for me,

and as a quantum event at that. It was there...

Having reached JFK in no time at all...

...Hop-Along Hammond was now slowing us down again...

...so I decided to speed him up.

You do realise this is not a self-propelled one,

it hasn't got the big wheels, you'll have to push me?

- Yeah, that's all right. - Cool.

It's better than listening to that clink-chink-clink noise for the rest of the day.

You've really suffered, mate. I don't know how you've put up with it.

Thank you.

- I'm just gonna do a quick brake test. - Yeah.

Yeah, they work.

Off came the back,

suspiciously easily, I would now realise.

More screws lay within, and on I went,

like one of Carter's archaeologists...

How did he stay awake to read that out?

He's reassembling an alarm clock,

and he's made an audio book of it.

Oh, God!

With Hammond now on four wheels,

we were doing well.

This is so easy!

Take everything from out of your pockets, please.

However...

Well, I left them back in the...

I can't get in there without crutches.

You were complaining. I didn't think you wanted them any more.

- You gave them away! - You're in a wheelchair.

It's like a reserve parachute, you don't go, "I'm not using that".

We haven't got the crutches. Please may we go through?

OK.

It may have been OK for him,

but it definitely wasn't OK for me.

All right, so I'm gonna go ahead,

I'm going to give you a pat-down today, OK?

- All right, sir. - The pat-down consists of

me starting from the top all the way to the top of your feet.

For your sensitive areas, I have to use the back of my hands

in a sliding motion, from your waist, going down over your groin

and across your groin as well,

then sliding my way down your leg, OK?

Sitrep - 300 miles to go,

and I've been doing 16.4 miles to the gallon,

and I'm on the motorway.

That's not bad. I mean, it's not a prize, but it's not bad.

They should be at JFK now having their penises touched

and deodorant confiscated.

I'm gonna go up and down, OK?

I'm going down.

I'll go up and down one more time at the top of the leg.

At this point,

I decided to make life even worse for Hammond and May

by making another call to their airline.

Thank you for calling JetBlue. How may I help you?

Really sorry to trouble you again. It's Jeremy Clarkson here.

I spoke earlier about

downgrading Mr May and Mr Hammond to economy class.

- Yeah. - If I could tell you,

in confidence - they've both just come out of rehab.

So on the flight, could you make sure

the attendants don't give them any alcohol?

Thank you for letting us know.

I will go onto the reservation and make a note

and give it to our in-flight crew.

We will make sure to accommodate this special request.

Thank you for your understanding.

OK, goodbye.

Calling Vagina.

Hold on.

- Hello? - Where are you?

We're at JFK. How far have you got?

I've done 153 miles.

- 153? - Yeah.

Right, well, this is where we catch up.

We're about to board the 500mph shuttle.

How long's your flight?

One hour and 15 minutes.

Righty-ho. I could literally...

I might stop and have lunch in a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see you at the end

and keep a beer warm for you.

You definitely will need a drink if you get to the end, I assure you.

Got to go now - important work.

Goodbye.

Economy and no drinks!

I am so gonna win this today.

Calls over, I put my foot down

and went back into the noise zone.

Honestly...

...you would not believe,

you simply wouldn't believe the noise that that car makes.

It's just... It's just so relentless.

I can't imagine having to put up with that endless bellowing drone.

Yeah, it's a dreary drone.

Just going on and on and on and on.

You think you had it bad, I was travelling with a handicap!

James, it's not 1950. The correct term these days is "a disabled".

He's not disabled, he's just clumsy.

What?

Actually, on that whole point,

able-bodied people like to think that

everything that could be done to make life easier

and convenient for disabled people has been done,

but when you find yourself in that position,

you realise it really, really hasn't.

The Grand Tour - a show that cares.

This week it's disabled people

and next week we're doing people who are BLT.

Erm... that's a sandwich.

What is it I mean?

You mean, LGBT.

Yes, that.

That's what I meant, not BLT. Er... anyway...

It's lesbian, gay, bacon and tomato - that's the one.

That's my favourite sandwich, and we're doing that next week.

Later on, though, we'll be picking the race up,

so don't go away.

Absolutely, there'll be more of that later.

But now it is time for us to lean

on the lamppost of chat, in Conversation Street.

Right, yes, now - Formula One season is over,

and as we all know, I'm sure,

Lewis Hamilton is world champion,

and well done, him.

I think we all agree on that.

I'm sure the Baby Jesus was very pleased.

- I don't doubt it. - They're like that.

They're close.

For me though, the highlight of the entire season

was on the podium in Mexico,

where Kimi Raikkonen set what I think is a new world record

for the longest chug of champagne.

- Did he? - Honestly.

Everyone else is spraying it round.

Back of shot...

I thought, "I know the Finns like a drink,

but he must have a titanium throat!"

Imagine the burp he did afterwards, a whole bottle.

It's staggering.

I think the problem is for most people,

champagne on the podium is a ritual,

but for Kimi Raikkonen, it's just another drink,

and he hasn't had one for at least two hours.

I often wonder - you know in Abu Dhabi, on the podium,

they're given rose water, not champagne?

If Kimi's coming 3rd, he's thinking,

"I've got to go on the podium for 20 minutes and drink rose water."

"Oh, no, I'm 4th.

Straight to my motorhome and have a beer".

- Tuck in! - I mean, he is a Finn!

That's what they do.

Anyway, self-driving cars. We're told they're coming.

- Yes. - We were told this week,

actually, that there's a problem.

In cities like New York, and I guess other cities around the world,

people who drive them, indeed the cars themselves,

are going to be bullied.

- Bullied? - That's what they're saying.

Obviously, these cars will be programmed to never run over a person, OK?

Which means you can just go and stand in front of them.

I mean, you could.

You could do better than that, you could probably herd them a bit.

I could herd them and I would herd them.

Can you imagine how sanctimonious

the man sitting in his new self-driving car is gonna be with his paper?

"I'm not driving, I'm just reading the paper while it drives me home."

If you just go, "Back up!"

It'll be going, "I mustn't run him over!"

Back him into a river. That's what I'd do, I would.

They'll have all those algorithms on board

for moral decisions as to what they're gonna do.

- So carry a fake baby. - Good plan!

Walk up to it, the car will think,

"Fake baby or fat, smug man in a business suit?"

- He's going in the river. - This is exactly right.

That would be tremendous.

Sadly, I don't think we're going to see anything like

an autonomous car until long after we're dead.

No, I couldn't agree with you more.

They are years and years and years away, decades away.

It's such a complicated area to apply what is essentially robotics.

You're dead right about robotics.

I don't yet have a robot that could make me a cup of tea,

which is quite simple, or bring me my slippers.

- Just domestic stuff. - Sex robots aren't here yet.

That's people from Essex, isn't it?

There's a TV show about that, isn't there?

- Anyone from Essex? - Orange Sex...

You're from Essex? There's a sex robot here, look.

Hiya!

That's what he thinks of you. I don't, personally.

That's amazing. It's incredibly convincing!

Can you go like that...

Can we stop this conversation? It's gonna go somewhere wrong.

The way I'd sum this up is this.

Somebody says, "We've made this self-driving car, brilliant."

I will take him to Bolivia, put him at the bottom of Death Road

and say, "Sit in it, reading your paper

while it drives you up there, passing all the buses with the 1,000-foot drop.

If you're prepared to do that and you can reach the top

with no poo in your underpants, I'll buy one."

"Enjoy reading your newspaper on the way". It's not gonna work.

No, right - "Agh!"

That's covered self-driving cars.

We needn't worry. Shall we move it on?

Yes. Moving on. Interesting news this week -

Jeremy has been approached to be the ambassador...

- Oh, yeah! - ...for a vineyard

- in the South of France. - Yes, I have.

What are they thinking?

Imagine a better job than that.

- Oh, yeah. "I am the Ambassador for Chateau."

How's that going to go? "Where is the Ambassador?"

"He's out the back, completely clattered,

where he always is."

You're not an ambassador, you're a customer!

Sorry - he's out the back with pneumonia.

- Ambassadorial pneumonia. - Still droning on about that?

I don't know how it's going to work though, cos the problem is,

the three of us have never had a commercial tie-in.

You may be surprised to hear this - we dress ourselves.

No, he doesn't mean we put our clothes on ourselves.

We're not sponsored by a clothing company.

I know you'll be staggered to hear that.

- Model's own. - Yes, this is it.

I go into a shop and I choose these and I buy them

with my money, watches and everything.

We buy everything ourselves.

That's why we don't know how it works, the commercial stuff.

Actually, it's funny you should mention that,

because you know that pink-and-purple-striped

rugby-shirt thing I've had for years?

- Yeah. - You know the one I mean.

- It's a top. - I know, yeah. Top?

- It's a top. - Did you say, "top"?

- It's a top. - It's not a top!

It's not a shirt, it's not a T-shirt.

Hammond, I've never said this before and I promise I'll never say it again,

but I'm with James May on this.

- A man cannot wear a "top". - Ordinarily, no,

but that is... Technically, it's a hooped top.

Anyway, that's not the point. I was at an event once,

and a man sidled up to me, took me to one side.

He was from Gant, the big American clothing company

- that made that thing originally, the shirt! - Top.

He begged me, he said, "Please stop wearing it."

And then...

It got better than that.

He says, "If you stop wearing it,

you can have as many free clothes as you like."

But I still said no because I'm an arse.

Hey! What about... Why don't we do...

- What? - Reverse sponsorship.

It's just occurring to me.

You know Levi's once said I'm ruining the Levi reputation?

- They did! - Because I always wear Levi's.

Why don't I say to them, "Give me 100 grand,

I'll wear Rounders"?

- Erm... - What about watches?

I'm going to sit like this,

and I'm going to say something deeply offensive

to millions of people around the world, Omega!

Unless you send me 50 grand, and I'll wear a Rolex,

which is the watch of choice for all the world's arses.

I'm not a lawyer...

- Mm-hm? - ...but isn't that extortion?

It is extortion.

It just is.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we say to people, they can put in bids

to put their logo on the bottom of Richard Hammond's car?

Because the chances are...

Yes!

Thank you!

- Thank you. - Imagine the commentary.

"Here comes Richard Hammond. Oh, no, he's gone off! Pepsi".

- That's a very good idea. - Moving on.

That's the end of Conversation Street.

We must move it on with this.

Imagine what it's like to be a car designer.

You love cars, you always have.

Your school exercise books were full of drawings of cars.

You worked hard, you got to college,

learned about geometry and proportions

and classicism and airflow and legislation.

Then one day you get your qualification,

and you land your dream job somewhere like Mercedes-Benz.

And you spend your first four years

designing the new seat-belt release button for the A-Class hatchback.

Exactly, or a tailgate handle for a van. Ooh!

It's not exactly what they dreamed of as kids,

is it, car designers?

Which is why they occasionally get bolshie

and they say to the management,

"Look, would you please let us do something interesting?"

And that is obviously what's happened with the new Mercedes GT R.

You just know the designers have said, "Can it be green

and can it have a mouth that could be used for sifting krill

and can the bonnet be nine miles long

and can it have bits of the Battlestar Galactica on its gills?"

The bosses obviously thought, "They're being idiotic."

But to keep them sweet, they let them get on with it.

The upshot is a car that only really appeals

to those that have a mental age of eight,

and that's me and every other man.

It even makes a childish noise.

Just brilliant!

Unfortunately however,

because the stylists were allowed to do what they wanted,

the engineers then stuck out their bottom lips

and said they wanted a free hand too.

The trouble is that unlike car stylists,

who are flamboyant and usually drunk,

car engineers tend to be very sensible.

You can tell this just by looking at their trousers.

So they fitted this with all sorts of sensible stuff.

It's got a flap, for example, which lowers itself

from the bottom of the car when you're going quickly

to reduce the air pressure down there.

That literally sucks the car into the Tarmac,

giving you more grip.

Then there's the traction control,

which you can turn off using this button here.

Then you can decide how off you'd like it to be

using this piece of Lego here.

You turn it that way, and it's really very off indeed.

Then you swivel it round, and now it's only slightly off.

I never knew "off" was a variable thing,

but there you go.

Other things - well, the body is made from carbon fibre

and titanium and magnesium to make it light.

And it's got two Venturi tunnels at the back

and short gearing and four-wheel steering.

There's so much techy stuff on the GT R, in fact,

that it is really...

...very fast

and extremely well sorted out.

The turning, thanks to the four-wheel steering,

is incredible, and when you go through

Dentalcare Swindon, run by dentists for patients,

it's like a small and very eager dog.

Then you've got the gearbox,

which I think was designed by Mystic Meg

because it always seems to know

what's going to happen next.

It is uncanny!

But the best thing is the braking. You ready?

Watch this.

Has my face actually come off? It has, hasn't it?

Small wonder, then, that the GT R holds the lap record

for rear-wheel drive cars at the Nurburgring,

and that is its problem.

Because AMG Mercs aren't really supposed to set lap records.

They're not supposed to be particularly fast.

You buy an AMG Merc cos you want it to do this...

...make a lot of noise

while sliding through a cloud of its own tyre smoke.

In an AMG Merc,

you don't want to go round a corner crisply at 150,

you want to go round smiling and sideways at about 27.

And there's another thing too...

...the engine.

It's a twin turbo-charged V8,

which produces 577 horsepower, and that's a lot.

But exactly the same engine in an E-Class saloon

produces more than 600 horsepower.

So why not use that engine in here?

The only possible reason is that soon,

there'll be a more powerful,

even faster version of this car,

so why buy this one now?

It's a good question.

I wouldn't.

So, who would buy a car like that?

I don't know, I've never met anyone

who I think would like that car, would want to buy it.

Besides all that, if you want something

that feels like a Porsche, why not buy, say, a Porsche?

Because Porsche are really good at making Porsches.

- They are. - Yeah.

They're so good at making Porsches

that since you filmed that, their new GT2

has gone round the Nurburgring

faster than the GTR.

The worst thing is,

that's the first time I've ever filmed an AMG Merc

and finished the day

on the same set of tyres I started with.

And I don't like that.

I want an AMG Merc to eat its own feet in every corner.

That's what it's for, yes.

Anyway, if you are the sort of person

who wants to buy a shouty, lime green car

that looks mad but actually isn't,

then you'll probably want to know

how fast it goes around our Eboladrome.

Yeah. Last year, that would have meant

handing it over to the American.

But we're not using him any more,

because he didn't like coming to England.

And because you all hated him.

- Well, that too. - Little bit.

But the point is, we needed a replacement,

we needed a new driver.

And we've spent the last nine months

auditioning everyone we could think of.

Former F1 drivers,

rally drivers, stunt drivers, test drivers,

until we ended up with the fastest.

And here she is.

Right, here we go.

And she's off. Tidy start, no wheelspin,

full power from the twin-turbo V8.

To the first corner. Will she lift?

No, it didn't sound like she did.

Right, second corner, balancing the car nicely.

God, that thing looks planted.

Right, here we go, this is the tricky bit.

Let's have a look how she's getting on round here.

Ooh, that thing looks planted!

And quick.

She's on the raggedy edge on the down-changes.

Michelins squealing in pain, but that is...

Let's have a look. Yeah, inch-perfect.

Now, back onto the Isn't.

She really has only one throttle position here,

and it is in the carpet.

Lifting now, and into the Old Lady's House complex.

Working the low-speed grip through there.

Yeah, and back on the gas for the bumpy run to Substation.

Showing no mercy down there.

Leaving the braking nice and late.

Tidy line through the second-to-last corner.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Really on it through there, and across the line.

That was an impressive lap,

but let's see how fast it was.

Here we go.

Past the... Oh, it's quicker.

Yes!

Bloody hell!

1:18.7. That is quick.

Yeah, it is, and she is an incredible driver.

She's a phenomenal driver, absolutely phenomenal.

We are delighted to have her on board.

But now it is time to move on to Celebrity Face-Off.

Yes. And once again it is an international event

as baseball takes on cricket.

In short, we're trying to find out

who is the fastest person in the world

who earns a living from throwing and catching small balls.

So would you please welcome

Kevin Pietersen and Brian Wilson.

Gentlemen!

Hello, sir.

- Kevin, how are you? - Good.

Good. Have a seat.

Brian. Good to see you.

That is a look!

That is a look you've got going there.

First of all, thank you very much for coming.

Thanks for having us.

And let's begin with a simple one, OK?

Actually, it's not that simple.

Kevin, could you explain to our American viewers

what cricket is?

I think I'm very lucky, we've got...

I'm bored already actually!

- No, go on, have another bash. - No.

Just cos I don't like it and it gives me hay fever.

Go on.

Yeah, it's very difficult. For American...

I play a lot of golf with a lot of American people

and they literally, after two minutes,

tell me to go away, swearing at me,

because how can you play a game for five days and not get a result?

But there's T20s that Brian knows about,

he's been to India, he's played T20s in India,

and it's a pretty cool game.

- I reckon you could do a T20. - No, I couldn't.

With cricket, you stand there in the outfield,

the ball, super-heated from re-entry,

is coming, "Ah, ah, ah,"

and then it always lands right on the end of your...

- "Gah!" - That finger?

- Yeah, and everyone shouts. - That's convenient.

Everybody shouts, and you drop the ball,

and you're batting and some enormous man...

It's miserable, it goes on, as you say, five days.

Actually, before we move on,

perhaps you could explain to the British viewers

what baseball is.

It's not much more exciting.

- I've seen... - It's a little faster.

I've seen clips of it in films,

like Good Will Hunting, there's a scene of it.

It's rounders.

- Now, I just learned... - It is rounders, isn't it?

I just learned what rounders was today,

and in all fairness, no, no, it's not like that.

Men play this sport as well.

Can you be drunk while playing baseball?

- You can be, I guess, yeah. - Cos you are...

Everyone is in cricket, I presume.

We're all piss-heads. Cricketers are piss-heads.

The great celebrated cricketers,

the Flintoffs, the Warnes, piss-heads.

Piss-heads? - Piss-heads, yeah.

- It's OK. - You can say that?

Or as we call them, ambassadors.

With pneumonia. That's what it is.

I was astonished to read the other day

about the England cricket team and how...

Actually, the Australian cricket team as well,

I presume it's the same in South Africa,

is how much drinking went on at the "tea break".

Yeah. There's a world record

for the amount of alcohol consumed on an aeroplane

by a cricketer from Australia for the Ashes,

and there was an Australian cricketer drank 52 beers

on his way over from Australia.

That's aggressive. That's aggressive.

That's a big amount.

- That's a big amount. - That's a lot of drunk.

Now, we must move on to cars, if we may,

- having covered the sport. - Sure.

Maybe begin with you, Brian, OK?

You had, I think it's fair to say,

an inauspicious start to your driving career.

It wasn't the best start, no.

So, 16, got my licence.

First day, I got a speeding ticket, that was expected.

Second day, though, it's about 1am,

apparently we have a curfew I didn't know about,

you have to be in bed by a certain time.

As a 16-year-old, I'm thinking, "No, I don't."

So I rolled through the stop sign,

and I see the blue lights, and I'm thinking,

"I'm in a '94 Thunderbird, this is a V8 engine."

So I speed.

Now I'm getting in a police chase.

- Now the adrenaline's going. - Second day?

The second day.

I'm driving around my neighbourhood,

and I accidentally hit an electrical box

and the power goes out and I feel really bad.

But I left this guy in the dust.

Like, I got all the way to my driveway.

But because I turned the keys off...

The car was automatic lights.

So the cop just followed the lights

and arrested me in my driveway, my front yard.

And so what do you get for that, for...

What do you get? You get to go to jail, you get a free ride.

And I'm amazed they pull you over,

cos you look like an accountant, I mean...

This is a slow Tuesday. See me on the weekends!

So, Kevin, your first car was a Nissan...

- Pulsar. - Which is a bit boring.

It's not as good as his V8 Thunderbird, is it?

It is boring, apart from a couple of gadgets.

I got a couple of gadgets

that were put in by my late grandfather.

And in South Africa, the crime rate's pretty severe,

so there was a switch he had put underneath the ignition

you had to flip before you could turn the car.

If you didn't flip it within 20 seconds, the car...

Would explode, killing everybody within 40 yards.

- That's safe! - The South African way.

There was another one,

every time you put it into reverse, "Doo, doo, doo."

I'm a cool 18-year-old driving around Durban,

I put it in reverse, everyone goes, "Where's the truck?"

It was a little red Nissan Pulsar,

"Doo, doo, doo, doo," out of it.

So really, you're basically a slightly more wild driver.

Did you not buy a police car at one stage?

I did have a police car.

And I did get pulled over in that. So...

Again, why would you get pulled over?

It wasn't my fault, though.

They said I was trying to impersonate a police officer,

which I wasn't, it was just a cool car to drive in.

I may have pulled a friend over as a joke.

- But who wouldn't? - Did you have sirens and all?

Yeah, you have sirens.

Have you ever gone anywhere in a car

and not been pulled over by the police?

Just thinking, going back to the sporting thing,

when you played cricket briefly in India,

you managed to get into trouble with that one.

- Yeah, and felt really bad. - Really?

So, well, where I was, it was just a large field

and there might have been 100 games going on,

all the kids from around local playing,

and they said, "Hey, you wanna try?"

So no one tells me any of these rules,

so there's these three little...

- What do you call, wickets? - Wickets.

- Stumps. - "OK, what do I do?"

They give me this paddle-looking thing,

and like, "Just stand there,

and then this guy's gonna throw to you."

He throws it, it hits the ground, I'm like, "What?

That's a bad pitch." And it hits the wickets,

and all the kids start laughing at me.

"What are you guys laughing at? Give me another shot!"

So I stand up, pff, just absolutely destroy it.

It leaves the park, it hits an apartment building,

and I'm just like, "I'm the greatest!"

The guy that brought me there told me

that's the only ball that they have.

And immediately I just went, "Oh.

I feel terrible."

"We've had that ball in our town for three generations."

- They would have. - Treasure it.

Now, going back to cars, you, at one stage,

as I understand it, had a Vauxhall Vectra.

I did.

And you said to our researcher

when they called you the other day,

"I have nothing particularly interesting to say about that."

I've been known to be a straight-shooter.

Put it there. I once had to do a TV show

where I was asked to review one of those,

and couldn't think of a thing.

It was four wheels and a seat.

Why did you have one?

The team were sponsored by Vauxhall.

You were sponsored by Vauxhall?

Oh, I'd have gone and done another sport.

Now, we must get on to why you are here.

Obviously, you're only the second group of people we've had around the track.

- How was it out there? - It was...

I found it comfortable on the tar,

but as soon as we veered off there, it was difficult.

- It was intimidating. - Is it?

I loved it!

There were grass clippings all over the car,

I just took it off-road a little bit, it was fun.

Yeah, I've been hearing.

We can get it mended for next week.

Kevin, we're gonna see your lap first.

OK, let's bring it up and see how you got on.

Is that a slow-motion start?

Oh, no, you're building up speed as you cross the line.

Come on, Kevin!

Ooh, that's a determined-looking face.

Clipping the corner,

but keeping two wheels on the track, nice to see.

Yes, you've done what I do. You brake there

and then you've got a slingshot

into what we're calling the Difficult Bit.

That's when it goes really skatey as you...

You've really gotta pay...

Ooh, I say, that's rather good.

For a man who grew up with a Pulsar.

Kevin, you absolute numpty!

Right, oh, look at that, it's got the tail out.

Yeah, got the tail out, got him going good.

Traction control saved it,

now you can floor it through to Difficult Bit 2.

- Oh, she's going all right. - Nicely done.

- That was tough. - Yeah.

It is a tough bit. This is really slippery

when you come back on the Tarmac,

you think that's OK, and it isn't.

Tyres being absolutely tortured,

that's looking nice.

Right, onto the straight.

Come on, baby! Come on, baby!

It's more exciting than cricket, way more!

As is being asleep.

Were you flat-out through there?

I was flat-out through there, then I messed this up.

Ooh! I'm not...

Yeah, I messed it up, I missed the curve.

Ballsy flat-out through there,

but you crossed the line, you did it.

I got it. Time?

So...

Time?

- Patience. - Time?

You're a cricketer, we know you have patience.

OK.

Because what else is there to have?

- It wasn't bad. - No, it looked OK.

- Brian. - Yes.

- Want to see his lap? - Yeah.

Come on, let's see Brian's.

Oh.

Right, no creeping across the line.

And here we go! Yee!

That is a colourful comb... That's a...

Cheat. He's cheating! Cheat!

He's a cheat!

It's not Formula One,

we won't penalise him for this, we have no stewards.

Oh!

Oh, my God! Coming in hot!

Holding it well, though,

and, I must say, that is exuberant.

He's on fire!

Into the gravel cell, the banked gravel corner,

nicely done through there.

Look at those stones coming off the back of that.

Difficult Bit 2.

Floor it.

You don't think this is gonna be slippery but it is.

Every time, that happens.

Nicely held, though, Brian.

You really do get around.

And there he is, onto the main straight and relaxing.

Yoo!

Well, not completely relaxing.

Were you flat through here, as well?

Ooh.

I took it... Flat-out, that's good.

Braking hard.

Not bad at all.

And there we are, across the line, that's both of them.

Right. Now, I've got your times here.

I'll tell you one thing, they're very, very close.

So you were kind of smooth and crickety.

- Yeah. - You were kind of exuberant.

- Yeah. - They are ridiculously close.

- OK, here we go. - The suspense.

- I mean, come on. - Yeah.

- Killing me. - OK, Kevin.

- 1:17.2. - 1:17.2?

So at the moment, you're the fastest man

who's ever been round our track.

- Until... - This precise moment.

Until about 30 seconds.

Brian Wilson...

- Ooh. - 1:17...

- Ooh. - Point one.

- Give it to me. - ..five.

- Damn it! - Ah!

Seriously, 0.3 of a second.

Well done, sir.

- That's close. - That is nice.

That is a nice result, I'm very pleased with that.

And there we are, you are still the fastest man

who's been round our track.

You have come a long way for nothing.

Thank you.

- Literally nothing... - Much appreciated.

So, honestly, I mean it's been an absolute joy

- having you both here... - Came here for the sheep.

Yeah, no, take one home.

So there we are, ladies and gentlemen,

Brian Wilson, and the fastest person who makes a living

by throwing and hitting and catching small balls,

Kevin Pietersen!

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Right.

Now, this week we are having a race

from Central Park in New York to Niagara Falls,

and it's Jeremy in the new Ford GT

against James and me

in a whole selection of public transport.

Yes, and when we left the action,

Jeremy was miles ahead in the car,

slowly going deaf from the drone of the engine.

But now we were about to haul him in

as we boarded the flight to Buffalo.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Ow! - Sorry.

Get out of the way. Get out of the way, I'm in a race.

Hello. Hello.

Don't get in the way of someone

who's just given up a 43-year smoking habit.

Meanwhile...

Has he got to go in that?

Yes.

OK, see you on board.

- Welcome aboard. - Hello. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Hello. Hello.

Yeah.

OK.

Having covered 160 miles,

the GT's tiny tank was now nearly empty.

This is a splash-and-dash. Right, petroleum.

Oh, please let it not be

one of those stupid American ones

where I've gotta pay first, I don't know how much I want.

Sadly, it was.

No. Not a debit card.

I haven't got one... Ah.

What?

All exits are marked with a sign overhead...

It's very unusual having business class at the back, isn't it?

Imagine what it's like at the front.

Must be sort of like there.

It's quite good if you sit at the back in business class,

survey the whole aeroplane.

This is an Embraer 190.

I can tell you a bit about these actually.

Prepare for departure.

Oh, dear, you can't, he's talking.

Hello. Can I... The pump says...

It's just coming up "not approved".

Does it have a chip? It's probably the chip.

How do I pay? Cos...

I'll turn the pump on, you pump what you need

and I'll let you run the card when you're done.

Thank you so much.

If you talk like Hugh Grant, you can get anywhere.

Any minute now, Richard Hammond and James May

will be thinking, "Mmm, a beer, I think."

Anyway, here we go, let's catch him up.

Definitely.

I think we should celebrate our progress right now,

as we're moving so well.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi. - Can we have beer?

- Two beers, please. - Let me see.

So, as it turns out,

unfortunately I won't be able to serve you any beer today.

Can I offer you a water, Coke, Sprite?

- You've got no beer? - No, I'm sorry.

Wine. Wine? Two glasses of wine? White wine.

I'm not quite too sure why,

but unfortunately I won't be able to.

Can I get you some other beverages?

However, while they were squashed and thirsty,

there was no getting round the fact

that they were doing 500mph, and I wasn't.

Come on, fellow Ford driver, get out of the way, please.

You've got a Ford!

We are gonna be reeling him in now.

We're not gonna get stuck behind anything.

- No. - In traffic.

No. Nobody is gonna have a puncture.

Or shed the load from a pick-up truck.

No.

My biggest problem, though,

was the woeful lane discipline.

And you're gonna stay in that lane, are you, really?

Undertaking.

This is allowed in the United States and America.

You can see why. People don't use their mirrors.

It was a problem.

And then there was a bigger one.

What the hell's this? I'm in a traffic jam.

A bloody traffic jam. No.

We're about to begin our descent

into the Buffalo airport.

We'll be on the ground shortly.

Look.

Is there a fat idiot in a very fast Ford?

- Nope. - Good.

Why is there a traffic jam? And it's a bad one.

Look, we're all stopped.

Come on. Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go. Chair, please.

Oh, shit.

There we go. I'm in.

Blimey! Yeah, that is... I am safe.

Incident. There's been an accident.

There's the problem. Jesus.

We have some time to make up.

Seeing an accident like that normally slows you down,

but I couldn't do that.

I was upholding the honour of the car.

They should be landing in about ten minutes.

Oh, no.

May? You've landed?

- Yes! Yes. - James, too loud. Too loud.

- Shit. - Where are you?

I'm 130 miles from Buffalo.

He's 130 miles away.

Well, you better get a move on then

in your 200 and whatever it is mile-an-hour car.

I... Oh.

- That's... - Keep going.

Oh, for God's... Shut up.

Bye.

Right, where do we get the bus?

We now only had a couple of dozen miles to go.

We'd catch a bus into Buffalo

and then another to the finish line

at the Niagara Falls.

Trying to think where this went wrong.

George Washington Bridge, that didn't help.

The accident and the traffic jam that resulted, that didn't help.

But I think the main problem

is that Jet Blue managed to do

an hour and 15 minute flight in an hour.

Oh, I say.

Oh, I see, it folds out like that?

- That's very clever. - Here we go.

- Thank you. - Aligned.

- There's a wheelchair section right over there. - Thank you very much.

Come on. Yay!

The Trump enthusiast has pulled over!

Right, let's find out where he is.

It's Mr Bell End. Hammond, where are you?

Leaving the airport on a bus.

Right. Well, I'm 90 miles behind you.

You're gonna have to make that up in no time.

How far are you from Niagara Falls now?

23 miles.

I'd say you could be doomed.

Good luck, we're getting closer. Bye.

He's never gonna do it.

Oh! I don't want this car to lose, I properly love it.

It's just so exciting.

All the things that make it bad and annoying

make it brilliant and exciting.

The noise, and the ride, and the roughness.

It's just raucous, raw, bareback, unplugged energy.

I want it to win, I want it to beat the plane.

But to do that, it would have to do 113 miles

in the time it takes a bus to do 23.

Stop requested.

Luckily, however,

buses have other people on them.

I don't like this bit. What do you do?

You just have to sit here.

Yeah. Bus travel is tricky to like, isn't it?

And we've gotta stop and change buses,

and if we lose ten, 15 minutes waiting for the next bus...

I know, it's not in the bag.

76 miles.

Stop requested.

Who pulled the...

Well, it is a bus with... Can't be rude to customers.

Nobody else pull the string until we've got off, please.

Let's just go all the way.

Hello. Where are you?

I think about 55 miles away from the finish line.

- 55? - Yeah.

Right, this is gonna be close.

Have you not got to Buffalo yet?

No, no, we're in Buffalo,

but we haven't got to the bus change point.

Oh, really? Oh! Does your bus keep stopping?

Well, of course it does, it's a bloody bus!

I haven't been on one since I was eight.

That kept stopping.

I thought, "I won't go on another one, they're stupid."

- They're still the same. - Bye-bye.

Amazingly, I was still in the running,

but my furious pace meant I had to make a decision.

Do I drive like Al Gore would want me to drive, at 55mph,

and possibly make the finish line

without having to fill up again,

or do I floor it, go really quickly,

and have a quick splash-and-dash?

Do I risk running out... Oh, no, I can't.

Meanwhile, not that far ahead,

we had reached the bus station.

And James, incredibly, was doing running.

Where the hell is it?

Niagara Falls, Niagara Falls. 48, look.

It's that one there. In we go.

Right, we need a swift departure.

Hello! Oh! He's missed the ramp.

This is so irritating.

I've got 35 miles to go, that's all,

but I'm not gonna make it on the fuel,

I just know I'm not.

I'm gonna have to fill up. Argh!

- So, 15 miles from here? - Yeah.

It's 35 miles. Four gallons will do it.

That will do.

Now approaching Mohawk Street.

No need to stop.

No, no need to stop, we're all fine.

Ah, roadworks!

- Ten miles, Richard Hammond. - Ten miles to go?

Yes, joy of joys, two actual lanes open.

Get a bloody move on!

12 million people a year visit Niagara Falls.

Do they?

I want them all to get in Jeremy's way, but not ours.

Yes, Niagara Falls.

No, no, no. No, a toll. Argh!

Luckily, though, I had an electronic pass,

which made paying much faster.

See, Hammond, it's right there. See it?

- Yeah. - See the spray?

Yeah.

It's not working. No!

Right.

Stop requested.

- Is this it? - This is our stop.

- Yeah. - Right.

Four miles.

- - Are you gonna have a heart attack on television?

Yeah.

Don't wanna lose this.

What's it say there? "Falls".

Right, this is it.

Where the hell are they?

There's the observation tower.

There is the observation tower, that's where I'm headed.

Dicky wheel.

Ah! Oh! I have been turned into Richard Hammond by six hours in that car.

This is it. There's the bridge thing.

Oh, God. Jesus.

- In we go. - Howdy.

Ooh.

Oh, God, so it all comes down to,

is he the other side of this barrier?

Can you get that door, Hammond?

Yeah, I got it, got it, got it.

Oh. Hang on. Oh. Look.

Let me sit down, sorry. Put the brake on.

How long you been here?

Long enough to do some nice pictures

- and some Instagram work. - Oh, good.

Why are you so tired?

I've been pushing him uphill!

- He doesn't like it. - He's actually sweating.

- He's been running! - I've run on the internet.

I thought he might have a heart attack.

James May is going to die live on TV.

I'm gonna do it here, just talk amongst yourselves.

The gloating gets worse.

So there we are, the answer to the question that no one was asking is:

Yes, the Ford GT is faster than an airliner.

No, it's faster than a bus.

And it crippled you and made you deaf.

He didn't exactly arrive in tip-top shape, did he?

No, but hang on,

that's because I had to push him around all day,

and it was like having

a massive wheeled suitcase with an opinion

that pointed at things like Rommel all the time.

He was the only one who had a comfortable day, actually.

- You were. - You were.

Cos the honest truth is,

that Ford GT went through a city and on a motorway,

and neither of those environments

is where it's really at home.

Yes, like I said in New York, it's a racing car.

Yes, which is why I'm going to get one brought over to the UK

and later I'm gonna thrash it round the Eboladrome.

- You're gonna do that? - As opposed to?

Well, uh... me?

People wanna know what it's like on a track,

not what it's like on its roof.

And on that terrible disappointment, for you,

it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching, goodnight.