Original subtitles

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SINGING) There's a bunch of birds in the sky

And some deers just went running by

Oh, the snow's pure and white

On the earth, rich and brown

Just another Sunday morning

In my quiet mountain town

(GRUNTS)

The sun is shining and the grass is green

Under the three feet of snow, I mean

This is the day when it's hard to wear a frown

All the happy people stop to say hello

Get out of my way!

Even though the temperature's low

It's a perfect Sunday morning in my quiet little mountain town

Well, good morning, Stan.

- Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie? - A movie?

Yeah, it's gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!

All right, here you go.

- But be back for supper. - Thanks, Mom.

(SINGING) Oh, what a picture-perfect child

Just like Jesus, he's tender and mild

He'd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown

What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure

And a mind so open and pure

Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town

Dude! Dude, wake up!

Kenny, come on!

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna come?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Where do you think you're going?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

You can't! You have to go to church!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Well, fine, you go ahead and miss church!

And then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

(SINGING) You can see your breath hanging in the air

You see homeless people but you just don't care

It's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown

(MUFFLED SINGING)

That's right It's Sunday morning

ALL: (SINGING) In our quiet little white-bread redneck mountain town

(BABBLING)

- Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! - Don't kick the baby.

Kick the baby.

(IKE LAUGHING)

Ike, you broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

Kyle, we're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Oh, my God, dude!

- Kyle, where are you going? - Uh... We're going ice skating.

Well, take your little brother out with you.

Oh, Mom. He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!

(SHOUTING) Do as I say, Kyle!

Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!

(SINGING) Look at those frail and fragile boys

It really gets me down

The world is such a rotten place and city life's a complete disgrace

That's why I moved to this redneck, meshugana

Quiet mountain town

Ike! Bad baby!

(IKE BABBLING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This program is brought to you by Snacky Smores,

the creamy fun of smores in a delightful cookie crunch.

Mom! Somebody's at the door!

- Coming, hon. - I can't see the TV!

It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed

by a pack of wild boars

and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

- Oh! Look, Eric, it's your little friends. - Spider-Man!

What are you guys doing here?

Oh! Sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!

ALL: (SINGING) Off to the movies we shall go

Where we learn everything that we know

'Cause the movies teach us what our parents don't have time to say

And this movie's gonna make our lives complete

'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet

Super sweet.

Thank God we live in the quiet little redneck, Podunk, white-trash

(MUFFLED SINGING)

U.S.A.

Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire?

No.

What do you mean, no?

Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire has been rated R

by the Motion Picture Association of America.

You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

- But why? - Because this movie

has naughty language!

Next, please.

- This can't be happening! - We have to see this movie, dude!

Screw it! It probably isn't all that good anyway.

Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip!

Yeah, but the animation's all crappy.

Wait, I've got an idea!

Hi, I want six tickets to Asses of Fire.

This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.

Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.

(SOFTLY) Look, Mr. Homeless Guy, if you don't wanna buy us tickets

and not get your 10 bucks and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka,

then be my guest.

Six tickets, please.

- Let me have some candy, Cartman. - Oh! Let's see.

Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

(BABBLING)

Shh! The movie's starting.

CHILDREN: Hooray!

Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest

say to the Iranian gynecologist?

I don't know, Phillip. What?

(FARTS)

(LAUGHING)

Where do they come up with this stuff?

You're such a pig fucker, Phillip!

(CHILDREN GASP)

What did he say?

Terrance, why would you call me a pig fucker?

Let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

Oh, yeah!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

TERRANCE: Yeah. Fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Oh! You shit-faced cockmaster! - CHILDREN: Wow!

"Shit-faced cockmaster. "

Listen, you donkey-raping shit-eater!

"Donkey-raping shit-eater. "

(BABBLING)

- You'd fuck your uncle. - You'd fuck your uncle!

(SINGING) Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucka

You're an uncle fucka, yes, it's true Nobody fucks uncles quite like you

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're the one that fucked your uncle Uncle fucka

You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn You just fuck your uncle all day long

(BOTH FARTING IN TUNE)

(ALL LAUGHING)

What's going on here?

(BOTH FARTING)

What garbage.

Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian.

(FARTING CONTINUES)

CHORUS: Uncle fucka! Uncle fucka! Uncle fucka!

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle fucka

You're an uncle fucka, I must say

You fucked your uncle yesterday

Uncle fucka

That's U-N-C-L-E

Fuck you, uncle fucka!

Suck my balls.

Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

You bet your fucking ass it was!

Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip.

Hey, wait a minute! Where's your guardian?

Huh?

I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?

(FARTS) Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit-eater!

Yeah!

KYLE: (SINGING) Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

ALL: (SINGING) You're an ass-licking Ball-sucking uncle fucka

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ah!

Hey, where have you guys been all day?

Oh! Nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie.

(ALL GASP)

BOY: You saw it? CLYDE: How'd you get in?

Hey, stop crowding us, you shit-faced cockmasters!

ALL: Wow.

Yeah. You're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers.

ALL: Ooh!

We have got to see this movie, dude.

Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.

STAN: (SINGING) There's the girI that I like

Hey, Stan, tell them about when Terrance called Phillip

a testicle-shitting rectal wart.

Now more than ever she gives me butterflies

It makes my stomach queasy every time she walks by

Asshole, I'm talking to you.

I know I can be cool if I try

Hi, Stan.

(VOMITS)

Gross!

Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.

- Who are you, kid? - My name is Gregory.

I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4.0 grade point average.

Wanna skate with us?

We've been skating all morning

and laughing and talking of memories past.

We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Uh-huh!

Try and catch me, Wendy.

Bye, Stan.

Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Who wants to touch me?

I said who wants to fucking touch me?

Ooh!

Come on, gang! We've gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too!

I hate you, Kenny.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

ALL: (SINGING) Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle fucka...

(SHUSHING)

Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today.

We sure do, Mr. Hat.

Okay, children. Let's start the day with a few new math problems.

What is five times two?

Come on, children. Don't be shy. Just give it your best shot.

- Yes, Clyde? - Twelve?

Okay. Now let's try to get an answer

from someone who's not a complete retard.

Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.

(MOCKING)

- Shut up, fat boy! - Hey! Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Eric, did you just say the "F" word?

- Jew? - No. He's talking about "fuck. "

You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat-ass!

- Kyle! - Why the fuck not?

- Eric! - Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Stanley!

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

- Kenny! - What's the big deal?

It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

How would you like to go see the school counselor?

How would you like to suck my balls?

(ALL GASP)

(SHOUTING) What did you say?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?

Holy shit, dude.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, I must say, I'm very disappointed in you boys, m'kay?

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

And I've already called in your mothers...

- You called my mom? - MR. MACKEY: That's right.

- Oh, no, dude! - Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

M'kay. What?

- What's the big fucking deal, bitch? - Yeah.

Ah! Now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Nowhere.

We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

- Yeah. - Boys, I seriously doubt

that Mr. Garrison ever said,

"Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker. "

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sweet.

Uh-oh!

Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

This just isn't like you, Stanley.

What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the "S" word?

- No, it was worse than that. - The "F" word?

Well, here's a short list of the things they've been saying, m'kay?

- Oh! Dear God! - What the heck is a rim job?

Why that's when you put your legs behind your head

and have someone lick your ass.

Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant

where you heard all these horrible phrases!

I... I...

We can't tell you. We all took a sacred oath

and swore ourselves to secrecy.

- It was the Terrance and Phillip movie. - Dude!

What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here!

Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?

Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?

Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada.

Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.

Well, I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents

before more children see Terrance and Phillip.

- Everybody's fucking seen it! - Eric!

I'm sorry, I can't help myself.

That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

STAN: (SINGING) There's the girI that I like

Over there laughing with that smart new...

(EXCLAIMS) You're holding up the goddamn lunch line!

- Hello there, children. - ALL: Hey, Chef.

- How's it going? - ALL: Bad.

- Why bad? - We got busted for swearing.

Our moms say we can't ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

Oh! That's too bad.

You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up.

(LAUGHS) He was scared out of his mind.

- Shut up, Cartman! - No, dude. I'd be scared, too.

Your mom's a fucking bitch.

Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

Don't call me fat, you butt-fucking son of a bitch!

Whoa, children, where did you learn to talk like that?

It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Oh! That's easy.

- You just gotta find the clitoris. - Huh?

Whoops!

What does that mean, "Find the clitoris"?

Forget I said anything.

Move along, children, you're holding up the line.

You guys, do you know where I can find the clitoris?

The what?

What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

MR. MACKEY ON PA: Attention, students.

We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary.

Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school.

Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt

is to be sent home immediately.

- Hooray! - ALL: Hooray!

The R-rated Canadian film Asses of Fire

is number one at the box office.

But is the film destroying American youth?

Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.

Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects

of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching indeed.

All over America, children seem to be influenced,

like at this spelling bee in Washington.

All right. This is for the silver medal. Spell "forensics. "

Fuck that! Why should I fucking have to spell "forensics"?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Here you go. S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S. Forensics.

Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo

can also be seen with their new hit song Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka.

(SINGING) Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle fucka

Thought I told you that we won't stop

Thought I told you that we won't stop

- Back to you, Tom. - Thanks, midget.

Shocking report.

The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park

where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie.

With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski.

- Hello, Tom. - And the Canadian Minister of Movies.

Thanks for having me, buddy.

Minister, parents are concerned

about your country's entertainment. Your thoughts?

Well, the film is R-rated and is not intended for children.

But of course children are gonna see it!

Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians

are quite surprised by your outrage.

- You just don't care! - Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish?

The United States has graphic violence on television all the time.

We can't believe that a movie

with some foul language would piss you off so much.

Because it's evil!

(SHOUTING) Can I finish? Please! Can I finish?

Okay, I'm finished.

But, Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film

is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada.

Let us not forget Bryan Adams.

Now, now. The Canadian government has apologized

for Bryan Adams on several occasions.

You Canadians are all the same,

with your beady little eyes and flapping heads!

- You're trash. - I resent that! I find that racist!

Our children are now addicted to your filth!

You are a racist, ma'am. You are a racist.

It is going to take us weeks

to erase the damage this film has done to our children!

Kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, m'kay?

Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork

and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.

I must say, I don't think I belong with these rogues.

I attended school at Yardale and had a 4.0 grade point average.

You're a fucking faggot, dude.

M'kay. You see, children? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We have to get you off of foul language.

- How are we gonna do that? - Well, listen here.

(SINGING) There are times when you get suckered in

By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay?

But it's when you do these things too much

That you've become an addict and must get back in touch

You can do it It's all up to you, m'kay?

With a little plan you can change your life today

You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack

Homeless on the streets giving hand-jobs for crack

Follow my plan and very soon you will say

"It's easy, m'kay?"

Step one, instead of "ass" say "buns"

Like "Kiss my buns" or "You're a buns-hole"

Step two, instead of "shit" say "poo"

As in "bull-poo," "poo-head" and "This poo is cold"

Step three, with "bitch" drop the "T"

'Cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"

Step four, don't say "fuck" anymore

'Cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say

So just use the word "m'kay"

ALL: (SINGING) we can do it It's all up to us, m'kay?

M'kay

With a little plan we can change our lives today

You can change it today

You don't have to spend your life shooting up in the trash

Homeless on the streets giving hand-jobs for cash

Follow this plan and very soon you will say

"It's easy, m'kay?"

- Step one - Instead of "ass" say "buns"

- Like "Kiss my buns" - Or "You're a buns-hole"

- Step two - Instead of "shit" say "poo"

- As in "bull-poo" - "Poo-head"

And "This poo is cold"

- Step three - With "bitch" drop the "T"

'Cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"

- Step four - Don't say "fuck" anymore

'Cause "fuck" is the worse word that you can say

"Fuck" is the worse word that you can say

We shouldn't say "fuck" No, we shouldn't say "fuck," fuck, no!

You're cured, you can go

You don't have to spend your life shooting up in the trash

Homeless on the streets giving hand-jobs for cash

Follow this plan and very soon you will say

"It's easy, m'kay?"

CHILDREN: It's easy, m'kay?

MR. MACKEY: It's easy, m'kay? CHILDREN: It's easy, m'kay?

- It's easy, m'kay? - CHILDREN: It's easy

It's easy It's easy, m'kay?

(ALL LAUGHING)

M'kay. M'kay.

Now you're cured.

You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m'kay?

Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m'kay?

(LAUGHING)

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something

through this whole experience.

I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dick-fart fuck-face.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Want to see the northern lights?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart!

I sure did, Phillip.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Uncle fucker! Too tight!

(CHILDREN APPLAUDING)

(WHOOPING)

Man, that movie gets better every time I see it.

- Hey! - Yeah, but you know what?

That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit.

You can't do that.

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

No way!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Okay, Kenny, I'll bet you $100 you can't light a fart on fire!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

(KENNY LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

- Holy shit, dude! - Ahh! Oh, my God!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

- Somebody do something! - This stick is on fire!

(SIREN WAILING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

- Oh, my God, you killed Kenny! - You bastard!

Well, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Load that IV with 70 cc's of sodium pentothal!

- We just called the parents. - Oh, shit, dude!

Now our moms are gonna find out we went

to the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

Vacuum!

Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus.

- Dude! - No, that doesn't go there!

(SCREAMING)

(VOMITS) Oh!

- Gross, Stan! - That's sick.

- Watch his liver. - I'll get it.

We have precious little time left, people.

We're gonna lose him soon.

- Doctor, his heart stopped! - Let's get it out of there.

We need to zap this quick!

- Who's making a potato? - My bad, sir. I missed lunch.

Damn it! I'm not gonna lose this kid!

Close him up. We've done all we can.

The rest is up to God.

Kenny? Kenny, can you hear me?

How are you feeling, son?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Great. Son, I have some bad news.

We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato.

You have about three seconds to live.

(EXCLAIMS)

Ah! Fucking weak, dude!

- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! - You bastards!

Damn it! It never gets any easier!

(WHISTLING)

I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.

Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.

No, I know. I'm just fucking stoked I don't have to pay him.

Oh! That's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

So, boys, you saw that movie again?

CHILDREN: Yes. SHEILA: Well, Kyle, I have had it!

You are grounded for the next two weeks!

(CHILDREN GASP)

- Grounded? - And you, Stan. Come on.

And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

Why am I grounded more? That's fucking bullshit!

What? What? What? What was that word, young man?

(VOICE ECHOING)

(SINGING) Little boy at peace

What is this place beyond the stars?

Open up your eyes

What are these things you're moving toward?

Head so full of wonder

Worries in the past

Could it be that you are free at last?

(ALARM SOUNDING)

MALE VOICE: No!

(EXCLAIMS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(SINGING) Little boy You're going to hell!

You said bad words Threw rocks at the birds

And now this is your hotel

You ain't going back This ain't Disneyland, it's hell!

Little boy, it's time for you to pay

For hurting that bird and not going to church

And staring at boobs every day

Thought you were in bed Instead, you're in hell!

Hell isn't good, hell isn't good Hell!

Hell isn't good, hell isn't good Hell!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Hey, fuck-face, have you seen Gracie?

There is orderliness in the universe.

Hell isn't good, hell isn't good No!

(FARTS)

Parents, our children are out of control!

This is what happens when toilet humor is allowed to run rampant!

That's right. Kenny set himself on fire

because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie!

We must stop dirty language from getting to our children's ears!

We must go fight the source of it!

But what is the source?

Oh! That's easy.

(SINGING) Times have changed Our kids are getting worse

They won't obey their parents They just want to fart and curse

Should we blame the government?

Or blame society?

Or should we blame the images on TV?

No! Blame Canada!

ALL: Blame Canada!

With all their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

We need to form a full assault

It's Canada's fault!

Don't blame me for my son Stan

He saw the darn cartoon and now he's off to join the Klan

And my boy Eric once had my picture on his shelf

But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself

Well, Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

They're not even a real country anyway

My son could've been a doctor or a lawyer rich and true

Instead, he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue

Should we blame the matches? Should we blame the fire?

Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?

Heck, no!

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

With all their hockey hullabaloo

And that bitch Anne Murray, too

Blame Canada! Shame on Canada!

For

The smut we must stop The trash we must bash

The laughter and fun must all be undone

We must blame them and cause a fuss

Before somebody thinks of blaming us!

(LISPING) All right, you turds, listen up!

Your moms are away at a meeting and they put me in charge of you!

But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun!

- Any questions? - Shelly, where's the clitoris?

(GROANS)

Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut

while I go listen to my Britney Spears records.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Okay, it's clear.

Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now.

Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

Hooray!

- Hello, Conan. - Hello, Brooke Shields.

Now, guys, some people claim that your Canadian humor

is nothing but immature fart jokes.

That's not true. Take this classic Canadian joke, for instance.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, Terrance.

Yes, Phillip?

(FARTS)

(LAUGHING)

Gosh darn it!

(LAUGHING)

- Good one, Phillip. Cheers. - Cheers, fuck-face.

Guys, you can't say that on TV.

Now Terrance smells like my ass!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

So, guys, does it make you nervous to be in America?

There are a lot of organizations here

that want you arrested for destroying children.

- Oh! They'd have to find us first. - You're right.

Now!

(SOLDIERS EXCLAIMING)

Terrance and Phillip,

Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizen's arrest!

- Mom? - Dude, what the hell is going on?

We have a court order for your arrest!

Phillip, we've been ambushed!

Here you go, Conan.

This little scrotum sucker deceived us!

- You are a bad man! - Don't listen to them, Conan!

You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together!

- Remember? You laughed! - What have I done?

(CONAN SCREAMING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(ALARM STOPS)

Holy crap! Did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!

As the Canadian Ambassador,

I hereby condemn the actions taken by America

in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.

(ALL CLAMORING)

As you can see from this graph,

the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip!

Without them, we are doomed to recession.

What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

- Fuck Canada! - Hey, fuck you, buddy!

Terrance and Phillip will not be released!

They're going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth.

We don't know what all the fuss is about.

The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!

It's aboot not censoring our art! It's aboot... It's aboot...

(ALL LAUGHING)

What's so goddamn funny?

Nothing, nothing.

Could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity!

(ALL LAUGHING)

This is aboot respect! This is aboot realizing that humor...

You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip

or we'll give you something to cry aboot!

Pilot to bombardier. Pilot to bombardier. We're nearing the target.

The bomb's ready, buddy.

(PHONE RINGING)

Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin.

If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid!

Hey, Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

- No, what? - Nothing! Yeah!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BILLY LAUGHS)

You missed me!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

All right, children, your mothers are all making me

throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.

Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?

CHILDREN: Yeah! BOY: That's gay.

Well, your moms are just upset.

They're probably all on their periods or something.

(WHISPERING)

Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.

Well, I'm sorry, Wendy,

but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Anyway, children, let's start off with some vocabulary.

- MR. MACKEY: Attention, students! - Oh! What now?

MR. MACKEY: Come to the gymnasium immediately

for a special announcement, m'kay?

- What's going on, Chef? - Something big, children.

Chef, I can't find the clitoris. You have to help me.

Stan, the clitoris...

Please take your seats, everyone. They're about to announce it, m'kay?

This is a state of emergency.

We go now to the White House for an announcement

from the President of the United States.

My fellow Americans,

at 5:00 a. m. today, a day which will live in infamy,

the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins.

In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.

(ALL GASP)

- Oh, no! - War?

- No, Gregory! No! - This is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me.

All the Baldwins are dead?

Now it is the time for us to send a message to Canadians.

In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip

will be executed.

They're gonna kill them?

And now I'd like to bring up my newly appointed Secretary of Offense,

Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

Holy shit, dude!

My fellow Americans,

our neighbor to the north has abused us for the last time!

- I have a plan... - The Canadians want to fight us

because we won't tolerate their potty mouths!

Well, if it is war they want, then war they shall have!

- Dude, this is fucking weak. - How could things be any worse?

(EXCLAIMING)

Fallen one, I am Satan.

I am your god now.

(SCREAMING)

There is no escape.

(CRYING)

Now, feel the delightful pain.

Hey, Satan, did you hear the news?

A war just broke out up on Earth.

Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.

(GASPS)

Move over, Satan, you're hogging all the fun.

Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting me so hot!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?

Come on, rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy!

Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?

I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.

Aye! Relax, guy!

Well, sometimes I think you don't have any respect for me.

Hey, come here, guy.

- Who's my cream puff? - I am.

That's right, buddy.

(GASPS)

- Dude, I don't want to be at war. - You don't think they're really

gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?

Kyle, you need to stop being such a chicken shit

and stand up to your mother.

You need to smack her in the face and say,

"That's enough of your shit, you fucking bitch!"

Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

You guys stop it! This isn't helping!

We've gotta think here!

Now, let's see, what would Brian Boitano do?

Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?

Hey, what's going on over there?

The American government thinks it has the right to police the world.

Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens,

an action condemned by the U. N. Home of the free, indeed.

- Let's play tetherball. - CHILDREN: Yeah.

This is about freedom of speech! About censorship!

Can't you guys be more political like Gregory?

STAN: (SINGING) There's the girI that I like

(INAUDIBLE)

Now it appears that she likes another guy

It must be because he's political and stuff

I bet I could be political, too

What do you think, Stan?

(VOMITING)

(SCREAMING)

- Damn it! - You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault!

Shut up, Cartman!

Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club,

and all because she's a big, fat, stupid...

Don't say it, Cartman!

(SINGING) well...

Don't do it, Cartman!

(SINGING) well...

- I'm warning you! - Okay. Okay.

I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom...

(SINGING) well, Kyle's mom's a bitch She's a big fat witch

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch

She's a bitch to all the boys and girls

Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

On Monday she's a bitch On Tuesday she's a bitch

And Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch

Then on Sunday, just to be different

She's a super King Kamehameha bitch!

Come on, you all know the words!

CHILDREN: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch She's a stupid bitch

Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch

Talk to kids around the world

It might go a little bit something like this

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

(SINGING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SINGING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

(CHILDREN GASP)

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch She's a stupid bitch

Cartman...

Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch

I really mean it

Kyle's mom

She's a big fat fucking bitch

Big, old, fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom

Yeah!

(EXCLAIMS)

What?

Oh!

Fuck.

SHEILA ON MIKE: Okay, everyone settle down.

As we continue to send troops into Canada,

M.A.C. is also fighting the war against potty mouths here at home!

Here to present the V-Chip is Dr. Vosknocker.

(CLEARS THROAT)

The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple.

It is placed under the child's skin

where it emits a small shock of electricity

whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Now, wait a minute.

This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?

It's just like a lie detector.

You see, certain things happen to you when you swear,

just like when you lie.

The chip picks up on this and gives the subject a little prick.

Patient B5, would you step out here, please?

Patient B5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

- Ow! My head hurts. - Don't worry about that.

Now I want you to say "doggy. "

- Doggy. - Notice that nothing happens.

- Now say "Montana. " - Montana.

Good! Now, "pillow. "

- Pillow. - All right.

Now I want you to say "horse fucker. "

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Horse...

(GROANS)

That hurt, goddamn... Fuck!

Now I'd like you to say "big floppy donkey dick. "

- No! - Success!

The child doesn't want to swear!

This isn't fair, you sons of bitches!

(GROANING)

We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!

(ALL CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Snacky Smores presents The March of War.

Let's hear it for our boys in blue.

President Clinton has called them to action

to fight the eviI Canadian scourge.

A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto

after the Canadians' last bombing

which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family.

For security measures, our great American government

is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood

and putting them into camps.

All Canadian-American citizens are to report

to one of these death camps right away.

Did I say death camps?

I meant happy camps, where you will eat the finest meals,

have access to fabulous doctors and be able to exercise regularly.

Meanwhile, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip

are prepped for their execution.

Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show!

With special guests celebrities, including Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder!

Of course, the only way to see the USO show

is to sign up for the army!

So join the army and kill some Canadian scum

as we continue the march of war!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!

WOMAN: Bomb them!

Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?

Course not! My mommy says

I hate Canadians now 'cause they made me have a dirty mouth!

Burn it all!

- Hey, dudes. - What's the matter, Cartman?

It's this V-Chip. I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.

- Really? So you can't say "fuck"? - No.

- And you can't say "shit"? - No.

So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman,

"the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?

- (GROANING) Fuck you... - Sweet.

Come on, you guys. This has gone far enough.

It's time we talked to our moms.

We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms.

Come on, Kyle, it's time for us to get political.

Canada will no longer corrupt our children!

- Mom, can I talk to you for a second? - Kyle, what are you doing here?

You are grounded!

Now get back to the house and stay there!

You too, Stanley!

Mom, we think you're going too far. You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.

We must fight for our children's futures...

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

You started a war! You have to stop it!

...to make them safe again!

- Hello? - Our children are precious!

- Hello! - We must make a stand now!

Stop at nothing!

I told you my mom wouldn't listen.

Well, then we're just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!

- BOTH: What? - Think about it, you guys.

What would Brian Boitano do?

He'd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip

before they're executed.

We can't do anything. Our moms' organization is too strong.

Well, then, we'll round up all the grounded kids in town

and start our own organization.

An organization to help save Terrance and Phillip.

Hey, yeah, our own secret club!

- I guess that could work. - We have to try.

(SINGING) what would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now?

He'd make a plan and he'd follow through

That's what Brian Boitano would do

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the gold

He did two salchows and a triple Lutz while wearing a blindfold

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears

He used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair

So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?

I'm sure he'd kick and ass or two That's what Brian Boitano would do

I want this V-Chip out of me

It has stunted my vocabulary

And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone

For Wendy I'll be an activist, too

'Cause that's what Brian Boitano would do

What would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town

And tell them to unite for truth That's what Brian Boitano would do

- Did someone say my name? - Who are you?

- I'm Brian Dennehy. - What?

- No, not fucking Brian Dennehy! - Yeah. Get the fuck out of here!

Oh! Bye.

When Brian Boitano traveled through time

To the year 3010

He fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids

He beat up Kublai Khan

'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody

So let's call all the kids together and unite to stop our moms

And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too

'Cause that's what Brian Boitano would do

And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too

'Cause that's what Brian Boitano would do

'Cause that's what Brian Boitano would do

SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy.

SATAN: Oh! There's nothing on.

You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all.

I'm not cranky.

What started as a spat between the United States and Canada

is quickly turning into World War lll!

- World War lll? - Shh!

Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death

for crimes against humanity.

The time of execution...

(TV SWITCHES OFF)

It has come to be. The four horsemen are drawing nigh!

The time of prophecy is upon us!

I love when you get all biblical, Satan.

You know exactly how to turn my crank.

No, I'm being serious. It is the seventh sign.

- What? - SATAN: Behold.

The first signs of my reign have all come true.

The fall of an empire, the coming of a comet,

and now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil,

it will be our time to rise.

(GASPS)

Yeah. Yeah, man! I'm getting so hot! Let's fuck!

Do you always think about sex?

I'm talking about very important stuff here!

I'm just excited about taking over the world! Come on!

Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

I love you.

I want to believe that.

So what do you say we shut off that light and get close, huh?

SATAN: Oh! Ow!

SADDAM: Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?

Okay. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.

Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word "clitoris. "

Oh! Okay.

Found eight million pages with the word "clitoris. "

Wow!

I'll just try the first one. "You must be 18 to enter this website. "

Okay. "Welcome to German sick fetish video. "

"If you are under 18 do not... " Okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN SPEAKS IN GERMAN)

Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!

- Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom? - Very funny.

Hey! It is Cartman's mom!

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

MRS. CARTMAN: All righty then.

(GROANS) Son of a bitch...

(BABBLING)

Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff.

Bullshit.

What's she doing now?

(MAN SPEAKS GERMAN)

Okey-dokey.

(ALL GROAN)

(VOMITS)

Click it off, dude! Click it off!

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

All right. All right. Let's just do what we came here to do

and put a message out to kids!

Okay. Let's see. I've gotta put out an all-access e-mail.

Goddamn, your mom sucks, Cartman.

Just get to the message board!

I'm trying. I can't find a Canadian server. I've got to break into the mainframe.

Damn it, they've got an access code! I'll try to reroute the encryptions.

Okay. Here we go. "Want to help Terrance and Phillip?"

(KYLE SPEAKING)

- Tell them we'll have punch and pie. - We're not gonna have punch and pie!

More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!

(KYLE SPEAKING)

"This is top secret. The password is... "

La R�sistance.

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: And so the draft will begin tomorrow

as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border.

The Canadian government pleads for a peaceful resolution,

but naturally we're not listening.

Good night, hon.

Mom, when is the war gonna be over?

I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope.

You want it to end quickly, huh?

- Mom? - Yes, hon?

If you were in a German Schei�e video, you'd tell me, right?

Sure, hon. Good night.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

There's a ghost!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Kenny, is that you?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Satan! Satan is coming here?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Saddam Hussein? That doesn't make sense, Kenny!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING)

- Eric, what is it? - I saw him! I saw Kenny!

Oh! You poor dear. You've been through so much.

I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off!

(GROANS)

(GROANS) I can't say "pissed off"?

The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent.

Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Hi, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth.

Let's fuck to celebrate.

What's it like up on Earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.

Let's not talk. Let's get busy.

Do you remember when you first got here?

We used to talk all night long until the sun came up.

We would just lie in bed and talk.

Well, yeah, 'cause I was still waiting to get you in bed, dummy!

How come you always wanna make love to me from behind?

Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?

Satan, your ass is gigantic and red.

Who am I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minnelli?

Ah! Don't get all pissy!

(SIGHS)

(SINGING) Sometimes I think

When I look up real high

That there's such a big world up there

I'd like to give it a try

But then I sink

'Cause it's here I'm supposed to stay

But I get so lonely down here

Tell me why's it have to be that way

Up there, there is so much room

Where babies burp and flowers bloom

Everyone dreams I can dream, too

Up there Up where the skies are ocean blue

I could be safe and live without a care

Up there

They say I don't belong

I must stay below alone

Because of my beliefs I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown

(HARMONIZING)

But what is evil anyway? Is there reason to the rhyme?

Without evil there could be no good

So it must be good to be evil sometimes

Up there, there is so much room

Where babies burp and flowers bloom

Everyone dreams I can dream, too

Up there Up where the skies are ocean blue

I could be safe and live without a care

Live without a care

If only I could live up there

(IN HIGH-PITCH) I wanna live I wanna live

(VOCALIZING)

I want to live up there!

- You're late, Cartman! - I had to ride my bike here.

- My behind is killing me! - Your behind?

I have to say "behind" 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass"...

(GROANS)

- Did you bring the punch and pie? - No, you guys, something happened.

- I don't think Kenny's dead. - What?

I saw him in my room.

I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day.

- You do? - Sure, dude, on the face of every child.

On the smile of every baby.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, I'm telling you, this was Kenny!

He said that if Terrance and Phillip die,

Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world!

Saddam Hussein?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)

Who is it?

BOY: (SOFTLY) I'm here for la R�sistance.

- What's the password? - I don't know.

- Guess. - Bacon.

Okay.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, no, it's that kid!

- This is the place. - Wendy?

Stan? You started la R�sistance?

(VOMITS)

Well, apparently you're more political than we thought.

Let us get this meeting underway. There are others coming.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Wow, a lot of people showed up.

Okay.

Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed,

and we think that sucks ass!

Yes?

We were to understand there'd be pie and punch.

There isn't any.

Oh!

Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed,

so we think we should prank call a bunch of policemen

and have pizza sent to them that they didn't order!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SCOFFS)

- May I? - What?

Terrance and Phillip are currently being held

at a Canadian internment camp two kilometers outside of town.

They're to be executed tomorrow during

a star-studded USO show for the troops.

Tomorrow?

Once the show begins, we should have about one hour

to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell

and into this clearing.

There, we will all rendezvous and, together,

take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.

Wow, dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.

You must all meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely 10:00 p. m.

Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip

will be the most dangerous part, so I'll go myself.

No! We're going!

(CHILDREN GASP)

We started la R�sistance.

We'll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendezvous point.

This will be very dangerous. Are you quite sure?

(GROANS) Fuck that!

Cartman, do you want that V-Chip in you forever?

We're going. Now let's run through the plan.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!

Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!

I think we're fighting Canadians.

Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

Yeah. This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.

It sure does, Mr. Garrison.

Oh, boy, I can't wait for our first shore leave

so I can get me some fucking poontang.

Pay attention!

Tomorrow night is the USO show for all you troops!

There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

(ALL CHEERING)

After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada.

So let's strategize.

Map!

Our sources have told us that the Canadians

are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution.

Each battalion has a specific code name and mission.

Battalion Five, raise your hands.

You will be the all-important first attack wave,

which we will call Operation Human Shield.

Hey, wait a minute!

Now keep in mind, Operation Human Shield will suffer heavy losses.

Battalion Fourteen?

Right. You are Operation Get Behind the Darkies.

You will follow Battalion Five here.

And try not to get killed, for God's sake. Are there any questions, men?

Yes, soldier?

Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

I don't listen to hip-hop.

After that, we will march into the heart of Canada and we will...

(ELECTRONIC DISTORTIONS)

I'm coming to get you! I'm coming to get you!

What's wrong with this thing?

It's fucking Windows 98! Get Bill Gates in here!

You told us Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient

with better access to the Internet.

It is faster. Over five million...

All right, men, get lots of rest and prepare to go into Canada!

(ALL CHEERING)

After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge.

We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long,

so if you're not there at 10:00, we'll have to leave.

- Got you. - You are indeed brave,

but you will need help from someone who's done this sort of thing before.

- Here's the address of The Mole. - The Mole?

He is an expert in covert operations. A mercenary for hire.

Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep.

Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives for freedom.

(SINGING) God has smiled upon you this day

The fate of a nation in your hands

And blessed be the children

Who fight with all our bravery

Till only the righteous stand

You see the distant flames They bellow in the night

You fight in all our names for what we know is right

And when you all get shot and cannot carry on

Though you die, la R�sistance lives on

ALL: You may get stabbed in the head with a dagger or a sword

You may be burned to death or skinned alive or worse

But when they torture you you will not feel the need to run

For though you die la R�sistance lives on

WOMEN: Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Because the country's gone awry Tomorrow night these freaks will fry!

SOLDIERS: Tomorrow night Our lives will change

Tomorrow night, we'll be entertained

An execution What a sight

Tomorrow night

Up there, there is so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom

Tomorrow night, up there is doomed And so I will be going soon

BOTH: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle fucka

Looks like we may be out of luck

Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked

Why did our mothers start this war?

What the fuck are they fighting for?

When did this song become a marathon?

- I want to be up there... - When Canada is dead and gone

There'll be no more Celine Dion!

They might cut your dick in half and serve it to a pig

And though it hurts you'll laugh and dance a dickless jig

But that's the way it goes In war, you're shat upon

- Though we die... - I want to be up there...

...la R�sistance lives on!

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

- Tomorrow night! - Tomorrow night!

Oh, boy, I'm so excited!

Just one more day until we can take over the world.

I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

This book is really interesting.

It talks about how people communicate differently.

Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you...

Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!

(SCOFFS)

Saddam, I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you.

Hey, Satan.

Oh! Now that is just not appropriate!

Come on, I'm just fucking with you! It's not real!

- Well, that is still not appropriate. - Hey, daddy.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHS) It's not real, either! Come on, guy!

(SOBBING)

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

(SNIFFLING) Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Soon the world will belong to me!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

It's Saddam, he doesn't nurture my emotions.

He just wants sex and can't learn to communicate.

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

You're right, I should leave him! I'm just gonna tell him,

"Saddam, I'm going to Earth to rule alone!"

I'm strong and I don't need him!

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

(SINGING) Today's the day for the USO show

SOLDIERS: we're so happy we get to go

I don't know but I've been told

SOLDIERS: Canadian pussy is mighty cold...

Ike, you have to stay in the attic 'cause if they find you,

they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp.

Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this.

And then I'll make Mom come home and we'll all be a family again.

IKE: All of that is home.

(PLAYING HARMONICA)

- (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello? - Hi. We need to speak with The Mole.

I'm sorry, The Mole is grounded. He can't come out and play.

- What? - He's a kid?

He said very naughty things about God.

Oh! Well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please?

Well, all right. Christophe?

Hi, we're gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip

from the USO show and...

- Shh! Who are you? Who sent you? - That Gregory kid.

He said you could sneak us in.

Are you telling me that you intend to break into the USO show,

filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillip?

I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too.

We're la R�sistance!

We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Why are you grounded?

Why? Because God hates me, that's why.

He has made my life miserable.

So I call him a cock-sucking asshole and I get grounded.

- So will you help us? - Very well.

Meet me in the backyard in five minutes.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We'll show God that we're not gonna fucking take any more...

CHRISTOPHE'S MOTHER: What? Christophe, get in here!

Coming, Mother.

I must be strong. I must be strong.

Saddam, I need to talk to you.

You better get packing, bitch.

We have to go. We're running out of time.

(SIGHS) Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much,

but still know that they aren't right for you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You treat me like shit, Saddam! I'm leaving you!

I'm going up to Earth to rule alone!

(GASPS) No. No, you can't do that!

- I'm sorry, but I have to be strong. - Satan, please, give me another chance!

- I have to go to Earth! - You don't even have respect for me!

Sure I do, guy. Please, just hear me out.

(SINGING) Some people say that I'm a bad guy

They may be right They may be right

But it's not as if I don't try

I just fuck up, try as I might

But I can change, I can change

I can learn to keep my promises I swear it

I'll open up my heart and I will share it Any minute now I will be born again

Yes, I can change, I can change

I know I've been a dirty little bastard

I like to kill, I like to maim

Yes, I'm insane, but it's okay 'cause I can change

It's not my fault that I'm so evil It's society

Society

You see, my parents were sometimes abusive

And it made a prick of me

But I can change, I can change

What if you remain a sandy little butthole?

Satan, don't be such a twit Mother Teresa won't have shit on me

Just watch Just watch me change

Here I go I'm changing

(EXCLAIMING)

You see, I've really matured.

- Oh! All right. - All right!

- Come on. We have to hurry. - I love you.

ANNOUNCER ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen

of the American Army,

welcome to the USO show!

(SOLDIERS CHEERING)

Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities,

followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip!

This is the USO show where those military bitches

intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.

- Oh, my God! - God?

He is the biggest bitch of them all.

We have to hurry. We rendezvous with the other kids at 10:00.

You realize that by doing this, we could be grounded for two,

perhaps even three weeks.

- We're willing to take that risk. - Then let's go.

ANNOUNCER: And now, here are your hosts for the evening,

Sheila Broflovski and Big Gay Al!

Al, tonight is a very special night, do you know why?

Ooh! They're having a sale at Merv's?

(SOLDIERS LAUGHING)

No, because we're going to abolish Canadian smut!

That's right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned!

SHEILA: Today is a great day for democracy!

(CHEERING)

Phillip, this is worse than that night I fell asleep

and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture!

I know, Terrance. I know.

Well, Sheila, while you're getting set up over there,

let's bring out our first act, Yippie the back-flipping dog!

(BARKING)

Be careful not to touch this wire.

(GROANING) Motherfucker...

Fuck...

(GROANING)

Shit, the USO show has started! We are running out of time!

Do you see Terrance and Phillip?

Yes, but they are heavily guarded.

We have to dig from here so as not to be seen.

Come on, bitches.

Hey, Mole, do you know where the clitoris is?

- The what? - The clitoris.

I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.

You need to stop thinking with your dick!

You have to be on your toes

because I am not going to be grounded again!

Not for you. Not for anybody.

Men, when you're out there in the battlefield

and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian

as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has

and people are dying all around you,

just remember what the M. P.A.A. says.

"Horrific, deplorable violence is okay,

"as long as people don't say any naughty words!"

That is what this war is all about!

(LOUD CHEERING)

What?

Shit!

Move, move!

Okay. We will split up here. Let's synchronize watches.

- We don't have watches. - You don't have watches?

Dude, you didn't say anything about watches!

What do you think this is, kid?

TV kiddie-hour where we all sit around

and lick Barney the dinosaur's fucking pussy, huh?

This is real life, with consequences you take to the grave!

- Dude, we don't have watches. - Shit! Did you bring the mirror?

- Got it! - And the rope?

- Check. - And the buttfor?

- What's a buttfor? - For pooping, silly.

Now, listen carefully. I will dig under the stage,

and with that bedrock, I will need more time.

Stan and Kyle, get near that stage and stall the show any way you can.

Do whatever it takes to keep that show going

- until I get to the prisoners. - Okay.

THE MOLE: Cartman, over there is the electrical box.

You must sneak over there and shut it off

before I return with Terrance and Phillip

or the alarms will sound and I will be attacked by guard dogs.

- Got it? - Okay.

You must shut off the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!

I heard you the first time, you British piece of shit.

(GROANS)

If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.

What's a dying giraffe sound like?

(GROANING)

- Okay. - Let's go.

- Be careful, dude. - Careful?

Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart

with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

Damn, dude. That kid is fucked up.

- How are those chairs coming, Sheila? - Al, we're minutes away.

Super! In the meantime,

here's pint-size pixie and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder!

Hi, guys.

(CHEERING)

I'm super psyched to be here today.

What you're doing for our country is so cool.

I mean war, man. Wow. War, you know?

Wow.

Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous ping-pong ball trick!

Oh, my!

(MOCKING THE MOLE) "Shut off the power, Cartman.

"This is very important, Cartman. "

GUARD: Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryder's doing?

We can't miss this.

There, I didn't miss one!

That's my ping-pong ball trick!

(CHUCKLES)

Well, that's all the acts we have for you tonight,

so let's just get on with the execution!

(CHEERING)

- Oh, no. We have to stall him. - More! More!

SOLDIERS: Yeah, more!

You big sillies! You want to see more of me?

Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!

SOLDIERS: Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!

Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war.

But we haven't rehearsed.

- Sing it! - SOLDIERS: Yeah, sing it!

- Oh! I can't. - KYLE: Sing the fucking song!

Well, all right, if you insist, I'll sing my song.

I believe it goes a little bit like this.

(SINGING) Bombs are flying People are dying

Children are crying Politicians are lying, too

Cancer is killing Texaco's spilling

The whole world's gone to hell But how are you?

I'm super, thanks for asking

All things considered I couldn't be better, I must say

I'm feeling super No, nothing bugs me

Everything is super when you're... Don't you think I look cute in this hat?

I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple

But I just can't feel too bad for you right now

Because I'm feeling so insanely super

That even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down

CHORUS: He's super, thanks for asking

All things considered he couldn't be better, he must say

I'm super No, nothing bugs me

(WHOOPING)

Everything is super when you're... Don't you think I look cute in this hat?

These little pants this matching tie that I got at Merv's

I'm super

CHORUS: In the barracks and the trenches as well

- Stick 'em up! - CHORUS: Big Gay Al says

- "Do ask, do tell" - Skittles

CHORUS: Yes, he's super and he's proud to be gay

Okay?

CHORUS: Everything is super when you're gay

CHORUS: when you're gay!

(SOLDIERS CHEERING)

BOTH: Again! Again!

(BEEPING)

Who's there?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Son of a gun! Heck!

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

They're coming?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

But our moms won't listen to us!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, everybody, just wanna take a minute here

to thank all our wonderful sponsors we had tonight on this USO show.

- He's almost got them. - Shh!

We are here to rescue you.

After I release you, follow me through the tunnel.

- You guys! Seriously! - What, Cartman?

Kenny! I saw Kenny again!

Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman?

Cartman?

(ALARM BLARING)

- Whoops! - Oh! Shit!

(BOTH GROANING)

Hey, did you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there.

(GASPS)

- Shit! - A spy!

Get him!

(BARKING)

Shit! Shit!

Oh, no!

Come on, Mole, come on!

THE MOLE: Shit! Shit! Fucking guard dogs! Shit!

The alarms, they went off.

Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry.

(COUGHS) Hold me. It's so very cold.

There is no hope now. You must get out of here.

- We can't leave without you! - It's okay, I'm done for.

No, we can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!

Where is your God when you need him, huh?

Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?

(COUGHS)

Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.

(SINGING) Now the light, she fades

And darkness settles in

But I will find strength

No, Mole. Hang on.

I will find pride within

We'll get you home.

Because although I die

I can't face my mother.

Our freedom will be won

Not alone.

Though I die

La R�sistance lives on

(GROANS)

Shit!

Okay, folks, here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for,

the execution!

(CHEERING)

The day is ours!

Oh, no, dude, it's happening!

We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan!

No way, dude! My mom can't see me here!

Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother! Come on!

Gentlemen, do you have any last words?

Last words? Let's see. How's aboot...

Get me the fuck out of this chair! How's that for last words?

All right, anonymous, ready the switch.

- Wait! - Stanley!

- Eric! - Kyle!

- Go on, dude, tell her. - I can't.

You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.

If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.

Hey, I'm supposed to be anonymous.

(BOTH YELLING)

Goodbye, bastards!

No!

(FARTS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHEERING)

The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives!

Come on. We have to shut off the power!

Ow! Fuck!

(SHUDDERING)

Hey, some little fat kid saved us!

Terrance and Phillip, wait!

We have to get you to the rendezvous point!

(SCREAMS)

Ned, behind you!

(SOLDIERS EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

CLITORIS: Be not afraid.

Oh, my God!

- Behold my glory. - What are you?

I am the clitoris.

The clitoris? I did it! I found the clitoris!

Stan, you must not let Terrance and Phillip's blood

be spilled on the ground.

Wait! You're supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.

CLITORIS: There are more important matters right now.

No way, dude! I looked all over for you

and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me!

Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself.

Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

Chicks love confidence. Now go, hurry!

The clitoris has spoken.

Stan! Stan, are you okay?

I see you failed in your mission.

I should not have sent a boy to do a man's job.

Come on, everyone, we've got precious little time.

Die, Canadian, m'kay?

(FARTS)

- Did you hear that Terrance? I farted. - You did? Just now?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Terrance and Phillip!

We have to get them to the rendezvous point!

Hey, it's Mr. Garrison!

(COUGHS) Children, take Mr. Hat.

Please, get him out of here.

Holy shit! This V-Chip is getting all screwy!

Take cover in the trench!

All right, men! Human Shield up front,

then Operation Get Behind the Darkies.

Remember, Human Shield, protect our tanks and planes, too!

Holy mother of Jehoshaphat!

Fire on my command!

All right, squad, just like I told you.

One, two...

Yousa people gonna die?

- Fire! - ... three!

What in the...

- Great plan, Chef! - Operation Human Shield, my ass!

My God, this is terrible!

This is what we wanted!

We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!

SHARON: But we didn't want this!

Where are you going?

We're going to find our boys!

For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

Kyle, all those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew,

I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.

(SOLDIER YELPING)

Yes, I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!

No, no, Kyle, don't be so hard on yourself.

What the hell am I still holding this for?

MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat! No!

Fuck this, dude. I'm getting out of here before I get in really big trouble.

- I heard that. - Stan!

Dude, I found the clitoris,

so now I think I can get Wendy to like me again.

Oh! That's swell, Stan.

Yeah, I guess all's well that ends well, huh?

We can go home now, you dipshit!

Ow!

- What's wrong with this thing? - Come on.

We can't let Terrance and Phillip die or else the whole world's gonna end!

- Terrance, look! - There they are!

Oh! Phillip, we're done for!

All right, men, fire!

Goodbye, Terrance.

(GUNS COCKING)

- What is this? - Don't shoot!

I'll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now!

- Kyle! - I'm not gonna let you kill them, Mom!

What? What? What?

I'm not moving!

Stand down, children.

You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon.

No! This is about more than fart jokes!

This is about freedom of speech, about censorship and stuff.

What about Ike, huh, Mom?

Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian?

(ALL GASPING)

I'm doing very important things.

But, Mom, you never took the time to talk to me.

Whenever I get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else,

but I'm the one to blame. Deal with me.

You keep going off and fighting all these causes,

but I don't want a fighter. I want my mom.

(CRYING) Poor little fellow.

No!

(GUN FIRES)

Terrance!

(GUN FIRING)

- Holy shit, dude! - Young man, you watch your mouth!

(RUMBLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

My time has come!

You are really fucked now!

It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!

(LAUGHING)

What a dumbass!

You have spilled the blood of the innocent!

Now begins two million years of darkness!

Good job, Ms. Broflovski! Thanks a lot!

I was just trying to make the world a better place for children.

Yeah, and you brought enough intolerance

to the world to allow my coming.

Now, everyone bow down to me!

(SADDAM LAUGHING EVILLY)

Bend over!

Whoa! What have we done?

Saddam, I am the dark ruler, not you.

Relax, bitch. You're better seen, not heard.

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

I can't.

Let's start by building a big statue of me

right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Hey, don't call me fat, butt-fucker!

(GROANING)

Yeah, Cartman, do it!

Damn! Shit! Respect my fucking authority!

(GROANS)

Yes!

Hey! You need to watch your mouth, brat!

Dog shit taco!

Quick, Satan, do something!

Try this on for size.

Blood-drenched frozen tampon Popsicle!

Hey, buddy, I know I was mean before, but don't worry, I can change.

Oh!

Okay.

(ALL GASP)

Not!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner,

bitch, muff, pussy, cock, butthole,

Barbra Streisand!

(YELPING)

What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him.

Come on, you weak, stupid come-bucket! Save me!

That's it!

I have had enough of you!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, guy, relax!

(EXHALES)

He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid

that I believed it myself.

I have you to thank, little one.

You showed me that I had to get away from him.

Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it.

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

(CHILDREN GASP)

- Are you sure, Kenny? - What did he say?

He said that his wish is for everything to go back to the way it was

before this horrible war.

Kenny, you realize that means you'd go back, too?

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Oh! Very well, then. I will pull all my minions back.

I guess I'm destined to live in hell. Alone.

Hello. What's this?

Hi, there, little guy. Would you like to go to hell with me?

Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.

Feel free to come back and visit us any time you want, Satan.

I just might do that.

Thank you, Kenny.

Yeah, thanks for going back to hell for us.

You're a real pal.

Goodbye, you guys.

(SCREECHING)

I'm alive. Where's Mr. Hat?

Wow! We were all dying and now we're fine!

That's super!

What the fuck's going on?

You see, Mom? After all that,

it was Cartman's filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.

I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, Kyle.

(VOMITS)

But, Wendy, what about Gregory?

Stan, I never really cared for Gregory.

- You didn't? - No, dude. Fuck Gregory!

- Fuck him right in the ear! - Yay! Thank you, clitoris.

(SINGING) Everything worked out What a happy end

Americans and Canadians are friends again

So let's all join hands and knock oppression down

Good Lordy, I'm found

Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet

Super sweet!

Thank God we live in this quiet

Little, pissant, redneck Podunk, jerkwater

Greenhorn, one-horse Mudhole, peckerwood

Right-wing, whistle-stop Hobnail, truck-driving

Old-fashioned, hayseed Inbred, unkempt

Out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash

Kick-ass, mountain

Town!

Look!

(WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO? PT. ll PLAYING)

(EYES OF A CHILD PLAYING)

(SQUEAKING)

Guys, up there is Hodun.