Original subtitles

The first time I made someone laugh, I was in the first grade.

It was a play, and it was about a farm.

And I was a cow.

And every kid in the play had one line.

We would march up to the microphone and say our line and that was it.

I was such a little try-hard.

I practiced my line over and over again,

so I could get it right and everyone would love me.

And by the time it was my turn, I was so ready.

I just marched right up to the microphone

and I said my line really loud and confidently.

What should we do?

They just started laughing.

That was not the reaction I was expecting.

Um, I thought I had blown my shot.

I thought I had blown my one line.

I was washed up at age seven.

And I went backstage and I was beating myself up,

like, "Emily, you suck.

Can't you just go one day without fucking something up?"

When my mom came backstage to congratulate me,

I was just so upset.

I asked her, "Why were they laughing at me?

Did I do something wrong?"

And she just smiled and she said,

"They weren't laughing at you because you did something wrong.

They were laughing at you because you're funny."

It was like a light switch went off in my brain and I thought, "Hey, if I can make people laugh on accident,

maybe I could do it on purpose."

And I've been trying to do it on purpose ever since.

So, do you have some stuff prepared for us?

Yes. I have some characters and some impressions.

Great. You have one minute.

Wait, excuse me, I thought that we, um...

I was told that I had three minutes.

You did, but your story took so long.

There's a lot of people waiting.

Right, okay. Um, sure.

Um... Uh... 'Kay.

This first impression is Holly Hunter at a garage sale.

Hi, excuse me, miss. How much is this stainless steel serving saucer?

What I don't understand.

This is a garage sale, is it not?

Now, you listen here, I have 79 cents and I intend to spend it.

Now, how much is this children's book, Sally Sells Seashells by the Seashore?

A dollar? Shoot. What about this Scissor Sisters CD?

This is a little boy trying to be macho in a mirror.

I want a divorce.

Okay. Um...

Fuck.

Uh, this is a girl who's always cold.

I'm cold.

Brr...

No, I don't want your jacket.

This is Kristen Wiig discovering a murder scene.

Oh, my God, he's dead. Somebody killed him.

Help, quick. Call 911.

This is a pug turning into a baby.

This an impression of a Vine video of a girl at a Beyonc� concert.

Oh, my God! Beyonc�!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God! Beyonc�!

-Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God! Beyonc�!

-Okay.

Hey, guys.

-Hey, Emily. -Hey.

Where the hell have you been? It's 2:00 in the goddamn afternoon.

Um, I had an audition this morning, which I told you about yesterday.

This is a team, Emily. Do you want to be a part of it or not?

It's editing. You don't do it as a team, you do it alone.

But we're doing it together.

Okay, I'm sorry. It ran a little long and traffic...

Just show me what you've got.

As PharmTech pharmaceutical reps,

we're here to connect patients with life-altering prescriptions

they didn't even know they needed.

So, talk to your doctor about talking to their patients

about the benefits of Hupertan Rx, because no one should feel sleepy.

Fine.

Export this cut and get it to Brinson by the end of the day for approval.

Jesus.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Have a seat.

Why?

I got your chart back and you don't got a butt.

I just don't understand. What do you mean, Mr. Butt Butt?

Hey!

It's Dr. Butt Butts to you!

Thanks so much. That's our show!

That was perfect.

Hey, guys! Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you.

Great job tonight. That was so good! Oh, my God.

That improv was so good for being drunk.

I know. I know.

-And, like, you had... -I was drunk.

I haven't seen you around the theater. Are you new in town?

Uh, no, I've been around pretty much constantly.

I moved from Austin about two years ago.

Dude, I love Austin.

-South By Southwest! Yeah.

Austin, it's pretty great, but they call it the Velvet Rut,

because it's so laid back that people there lose their ambition.

Velvet Rut, that's a good name for something. That's funny.

Did you know that Emily's got over 20 million views on YouTube?

-Oh, my God. -Hmm. She's like a celebrity.

No, it's exclusively from perverts, mostly in the Ukraine.

Oh, my God.

It was one video that got out of control.

Uh, what's the vid?

Honestly, it's too stupid to talk about.

Wow, you have really low self-esteem.

So that was just a one-time thing. Lucas, you teach a 401, right?

Are you going to take it for the eighth time?

I'm taking it for the eighth time. I'm already enrolled.

You want me to get you another round of something?

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

And maybe later I can take you home and fuck you?

Oh!

Oh, Emily...

Hey, is this funny?

Where there's smoke, there's me smoking weed.

-Sure.

-Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm. -That's funny.

Whoa!

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm just gonna tweet it out.

Dude, I'm...

I know. I didn't want to mess up the joke.

But you know what? I'm putting it away.

-Hey, Emily. Hey. -Hey.

-We're okay.

-Yeah, we're okay. -Okay.

Oh. -No, that's not my phone.

Fuck. Just give me a minute.

Um...

Oh, shit. It's my ex, I'm sorry. We haven't talked for a while.

Oh, yeah.

Hey! I'm sorry I didn't answer earlier. I was swamped all day. Is everything okay?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Um...

How long does he have?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

-Hi, let me help you here. -Oh, no, I got it.

I've got plenty of room back here.

Come on, it's no problem.

I want to hold on to my bag.

-Yes.

Okay, go ahead and get in the car.

Right there. My name is Ida.

? Ida, sweet as apple cider ?

Welcome to Austin.

I hope you enjoy the trip. Is it business or pleasure?

Neither.

I'm a pretty good driver most of the time.

I hope you give me five stars.

It would be helpful. Oops!

-Hi.

I'm here to see a patient, Mr. Roosevelt.

And you are... Uh, I'm his...

He's my cat.

I'll let the vet know you're here.

Um, have a seat.

Hey.

You look great.

Thank you. You look...

very thin.

So what happened?

He hasn't been eating for a week.

-I didn't want to bother you.

The vet says that...

it's kidney failure.

Hello.

Hello.

This is Celeste. My girlfriend.

Your girlfriend? I didn't know you had a...

It's so nice to meet you. I'm Emily. You've probably heard a lot about me.

Not much, actually.

Well... thank you for being here.

I know that he was my cat, but Mr. Roosevelt meant a lot to Eric.

Yeah.

He means a lot to me, too.

Celeste and I live together.

In our, um... In my house.

That's so nice.

So, we put him on fluids, and he perked up quite a bit.

And then he took a turn for the worst.

Worse.

Worst. Which is it, "turn for the worse"?

I never know.

"Turn for the worse."

Right. Anyway...

I'm sorry.

He passed away.

Who'll be handling the medical paperwork?

The cremation process can take 24 to 48 hours,

depending on the backlog.

Um... Can I see him before?

Of course.

Have you decided on an urn?

I'll take the second cheapest.

Oh.

Um...

I guess I'll call you when he's done.

And we can have a service to pay our respects and...

Thank you for taking care of him while I was away.

And...

Sweetie...

It's gonna be okay.

Um...

Well, I'll see you later.

Um... Where are you staying?

Who wants some tea

Yeah, sure.

The house looks amazing.

Celeste.

You guys put in wood floors?

Actually, we had a contractor come in and rip up the carpet and...

Apparently, these were original to the house.

I always hated the carpet.

So, this is the bathroom, which you knew,

-but now it has extra towels. -Fancy.

And the guest room.

Whoa!

Where's all your band stuff? Your guitars and your amps?

Out in the shed.

-No.

It's temporary storage, you know, just until I figure out where to put it.

Why didn't you tell me about Celeste?

Em, we haven't spoken since you broke up with me over the phone.

Of course I'm okay. I'm really happy for you.

It means I gotta move on, right? We've all moved on!

I was talking about Mr. Roosevelt.

Oh, um... Yeah, I'll be okay.

I don't really know what I'm going to do financially,

or how I'm gonna get back to LA. Flights are crazy expensive.

This is good. This is good, right? This is...

This is closure.

-Tea time. I hope I'm not interrupting.

No. In fact, I was just on my way out.

Catch up as much as you need to.

You should drink that while it's hot.

Yes. That's usually how tea works.

All right. Well, let me know if you need anything.

Okeydokey. Okeydokey.

Eric, wait.

Um...

What's the Wi

Still the same.

Cool.

Mmm.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm just... urinating.

Okay, well, Eric and I have reservations at Justine's tonight.

And I'm sure you have other plans, but if you're not busy,

then we'd love for you to join us and our friends.

No, I don't have plans,

but I'm sure I can figure something else out.

Really? I know Eric wants you to come.

He does?

Yes.

Emily, you don't have to be alone.

That's a spiffy shirt.

Thanks.

It's, uh... breathable cotton.

So...

Everybody ready?

-Aye aye, captain. -Oh.

Did you want to change before we leave?

Oh! I'm so sorry.

When I took an emergency flight to Austin,

I didn't exactly think to pack formal wear.

Oh. Well, that makes perfect sense. I'm sure I have something you can wear.

Great.

So, I would like to propose a toast to the memory of Mr. Roosevelt.

Jess.

I don't know if you guys noticed anything different about me.

I've been meditating.

Oh.

Yup. Using an app called Mind Time. Thank you.

It's awesome. Really.

He is so calm, so peaceful.

-I'm present. -It's like he's got a glow about him.

-I'm finally here. I can see it.

Free app, or is it... Yeah, free.

-I'll send it to you guys. Okay.

I get a referral little thing.

-I love that. Very cool. -Yeah. It's awesome.

It's just like, I don't know, life-changing.

So, Eric, how's your band going?

I saw that you guys got a write-up in the Chronicle last year.

Eric's taking a break from music. He's getting his real estate license.

-I love houses. -Yeah, you do.

Whoa! You're gonna become a real estate agent?

Yeah, they say if you sell one, you can be set for a year.

Oh, I get that. We all do things that we don't want to do for a while,

so we can do the things we really want to do.

That's why I audition for commercials.

It's more of a long-term thing.

Music is great, and he's so good at it,

but you can only do the band thing for so long

before you have to start thinking about the future, right?

Right.

So, um, Emily, you're an actress?

No, I'm actually more of a comedian.

Which basically means I'm a less attractive version of an actress.

Why would you say that? You're so beautiful.

So cute.

I'm joking.

Yeah, but even if you're joking, it's not healthy to talk about yourself that way.

So, Emily, you do stand

No, I don't do stand-up comedy. It's hard to explain what I do... Um...

It's stupid. It's pretty dumb.

Emily is so funny.

You have over 50,000 YouTube subscribers, right?

Wow!

Really? Wow! You can really do something with that.

I was just reading this article

about a girl who did makeup tutorials online,

and she accidentally got makeup in her eye,

and she had this major freak-out.

It was just so real and so funny.

So the video goes viral, and then she goes on the Today show,

and based on its success,

she was able to launch her own beauty tutorial channel,

and she just came out with this big makeup line.

Have you ever thought about something like that?

-No, I haven't.

Oh... What about you, Celeste?

I never found out what you do for a living.

Celeste is an entrepreneur.

Okay. What's that mean?

Just a fancy French word. Um...

I worked for a social media firm when I was 25,

and I realized their client model wasn't sustainable,

'cause it was fractured across too many platforms,

so I quit,

and I took my savings and teamed up with a fellow Penn grad,

and we developed coding

that integrates business's various online presences

into one streamlined platform.

It's still in product development right now, but... There's been a lot of interest. Don't be humble.

And she also makes her own greeting cards.

I sent one to my grandma.

You did not. Really? -Yeah.

You know they're in six stores? What?

-Yeah. -That's our Celeste.

Wow! It's amazing how much bread you can eat.

They're not charging for it, are they?

No, it's not that.

I'm so gluten intolerant even a bite can throw off my diet for a week.

Yeah, Celeste got me off bread, too, and I feel so much better.

I thought I was gonna miss it, but I don't.

Well, I, for one, love bread.

-I'm jealous.

So, Emily, I'm just a little confused.

If you don't wanna be making Internet videos

and you don't wanna be a stand-up comic and you're not an actress...

What do you want to do?

Why move to Los Angeles in the first place?

Celeste.

That's a really good question, Celeste.

And the answer is...

I don't know.

I guess it was pretty fucking stupid of me, huh?

Well, for a comedian, she's awfully serious.

Shit! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

No, no, leave it.

Whoa! What happened?

Ouch!

-I'm fine. Leave me alone!

What the eff, Jen?

Suck a dick, Dustin. She's hurt. Come on, I got you.

-Wait, Em-- -It's okay. I got her.

Okay.

She has a hot mouth.

-Let me see it. -I'm so sorry.

I don't know how I'm gonna pay for all that food.

Babe, fuck that food. Who cares about that food?

Let me see your hand.

Hey, are you Emily Martin?

-Yeah. -Dude!

Jen! Jen Morales?

We talked for a second at a party on the Eastside.

You were with Ravi.

There was that band of girls that hits pots as instruments.

Uh, Manic Pixie Jihad.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Dude! Is it weird that I feel like I know you?

People post your vids all the time.

-Yeah.

My mom's favorite one is that one of you in the bathtub.

Hey, you're based out of LA. What are you doing out here?

-My cat died. -Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, he wasn't.

Oh, man. Is that guy out there your boyfriend?

Mmm, that's my ex-boyfriend.

I left my cat with him.

But he wasn't my ex-boyfriend when I did that.

He was my boyfriend, and then I moved to Los Angeles.

And we tried long distance, and then I broke up with him.

But don't worry about him, because he has a new girlfriend,

and she's super cool.

And she lives in our house, but it's theirs. And she ripped up the carpet, and it looks really pretty.

And she says that it's her cat, too!

And I think that that's fair.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm sorry, I can't breathe.

-It's okay. -I'm sorry.

-Hold that thought. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I'm sorry. I don't want a drink.

That's okay. Tell me what happened.

-I already said it. -Say it again.

-Any of it.

Um... Okay.

Uh, I just had all these plans and these goals.

Right.

And I thought if I did one thing, then I did another thing...

then that was supposed to happen--

How do you feel?

-I don't know.

How am I supposed to breathe? You just threw water in my... Oh, my God!

You feel better?

I feel great.

-I think we had that last time. -That's true.

-There's so much bread.

Do you mind passing the butter?

Sure, here.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about your dress.

I can pay to have it dry-cleaned.

Emily.

Emily.

Emily.

-Emily.

Yes.

I wanted to share some good news.

Okay.

We were able to get a flight voucher in your name

because my cousin's a manager at Delta.

What?

I heard you were worried about returning to Los Angeles?

-Mmm-hmm.

It's just coach. We used miles.

-You didn't have to do that. -I know.

But I wanted to.

My apologies for waking you up.

I just wanted to share the good news before I went to work.

Have a beautiful day, Emily.

Eric?

Celeste?

Whoa!

-Oh, shit!

I'm sorry. I was just looking for the toothpaste.

It's okay. It's all right.

Nothing you haven't seen before.

Yeah, that's very true.

Toothpaste is in the second cabinet to the right in the bathroom.

Thank you. Hey, Em?

Have you had breakfast?

I'm surprised you kept the table.

Celeste, she refinished it.

She's really, really handy.

Oh, Celeste...

Celeste really is the best, huh?

I'm glad to hear you say that, because I was worried after last night.

You were worried

Oh, come on, you know me. New day, new Emily.

Yeah, I do. I know you.

You want me to help? You want me to make some coffee?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Cool.

-I'm sorry, I just kinda need... Cabinet. -Yeah. No, sorry. You're okay.

-Thanks. Right. -Yeah.

You know I like it strong, right?

I'll make it strong.

Yeah, you know what? We're actually off coffee now.

I know it sounds crazy, but I have more energy.

So I've gotta head to school.

Are you gonna be okay here alone all day?

Yeah, I think so. I still have a key.

-Great, and I can take that back later. -Of course.

Oh. Also, we moved a ton of your stuff in boxes out into the shed.

Maybe you want to go through it and take some stuff back with you?

And your bike. We both have bikes, so...

maybe if you want to figure out what you want to do with that.

Maybe sell it for money.

Sure, yeah. Really good idea. Thank you.

Great.

Toodles.

Toodles.

Jesus fucking Christ...

Crap.

Hi, is Jen home?

Hey, dude!

-Hey. -Happy you found me.

Come in. This is where the magic happens.

How many people live here?

Like, four to six.

Yeah, sometimes we Airbnb the couch.

Dude, it's so effed that you're staying

with your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

I know.

What twisted mind would agree to something like that?

Yeah.

So, what are we dealing with? A jealous psycho

No. No, Celeste is not the type of girl to get jealous.

Uh, in fact, she is super, super nice and put together,

and everything in her life is beautiful, and nothing's out of place.

Like a Pinterest board come to life.

Oh, so she's super fake.

And she has him on antidepressants.

She literally has him drugged up.

-Yeah, I saw them in their cabinet...

which used to be my cabinet.

It's like they've gotten rid of every trace that I ever existed.

Um...

They put all my stuff in the shed.

It's like my entire life in Austin is packed into two boxes.

This morning, Eric was like, "You have to get these out of here."

But what am I supposed to do? I can't take them to LA with me,

I don't have any space, I live in a studio.

Why don't you just keep your stuff here? I'd be happy to hold it for you.

Really? You barely even know me.

Nobody knows anyone.

Do you even know yourself?

Um... I don't know. I think so. I look in the mirror a lot.

Well, Emily Martin, to truly know oneself, you have to ask yourself one thing.

And what's that?

Are you willing to be reborn?

Jen!

-Hey, ladies!

-Hey. -Hey.

Art!

Pass that pipe.

Here.

It's so nice to be back in the Greenbelt,

but it feels like it's the only thing in Austin that hasn't really changed.

Seriously, all the tech douches coming in, buying property,

building condos on everything.

I know. They're tearin' it all down. That's all they know how to do.

A normal person can't afford anything. I had to move past 183.

I had to move back in with my parents, and they had to move back in with their parents.

You want?

Oh, no, I'm good, thank you.

-Dude, that bikini top looks sick on you. Thanks.

She looks like she's seen a titty ghost.

Oh, I'm sorry, I...

-You know it's legal here in Austin. -It's all right. Calm down.

I know that.

Come on, free your nipples.

-Shut up, Art. -Don't say that.

What? Girls say it.

Yeah, but it's liberating when we say it.

And it's creepy as fuck when guys say it.

Guys, man. Take it easy, all right. Her cat just died.

Oh, no.

-I'm sorry. -Sorry.

No, it's not that, I'm...

All right!

Well, I'm gonna jump in.

-Yeah. -Here we go.

Ready?

Oh, no, I'm just gonna warm up for a little bit.

All right.

Hey...

If you take a hit of this, you can put your top back on.

Deal.

-Look that way. -Okay.

Let me know when your boobs are safely quarantined.

Okay.

I don't normally smoke. It makes me tired.

And I don't understand what funny is. What is there to understand?

So, Art...

Is Art short for Arthur?

-No, it's short for "artist," actually. Really?

My parents had pretty high expectations.

Oh, well, my name's Emily.

My parents had very, very low expectations.

They must be pretty hyped. You turned out pretty creative.

What makes you say that?

You have the whole quirky-girl vibe going.

Oh, Jesus.

-That is so condescending.

It's not condescending.

Saying you're quirky means saying you're interesting.

It's a compliment.

No, it's not, because you would never call a guy that.

With a guy you'd use another word, like "eccentric,"

but with a girl, you need a word that recognizes her uniqueness,

but at the same time devalues her intelligence.

Like, "Her delightful whimsy could never make a cogent argument,"

highlighting your unconscious sexism.

All right, well, you're not quirky, but you're definitely kind of a bitch.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

-Oh, no. -Sorry.

Thank you.

All right.

Oh, shit, it's my work.

Don't answer it. Hang it up. Hit "reject."

What?

They said it would take a few days to cremate him,

so I'll probably be here over the weekend,

but I have my laptop and can do all my work from here.

Emily, let's be real.

This is just not a priority for you.

What are you talking about?

Do you think I planned this?

Listen, I have all the assets,

-I can just upload the cuts to Dropbox.

Yeah, it sounds like you're working really hard over there.

Let's face it, Emily.

You're just not a right fit with us anymore.

Okay, listen,

if this is about the auditions, I can stop going for a few weeks.

I really need this job.

Hey, Todd, my cat died. I needed to be here for him.

Come on, Emily.

It's just a fucking cat.

"It's just a fucking cat"?

You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you!

And fuck PharmTech!

And fuck the man! I quit!

I quit!

Whoo!

Boobs!

Hey, is this your phone? I found it in the bushes.

-Yeah, thanks. -Sure.

This message is for Emily Martin.

We're calling to let you know that Mr. Roosevelt is ready.

Oh, God... Uh, Jen?

Hey, do you want my roommate to drive you?

No, it's okay.

-Bye! -Bye!

Hello.

I'm here to pick up my cat.

Okay. What procedure did you drop them off for?

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm here to pick up my dead cat.

Mr. Roosevelt?

Oh... I'm sorry, Mr. Roosevelt is not here.

What do you mean "he's not here"?

Someone already picked him up.

Wait, you just let some stranger take my cat's ashes home?

Don't you check people's IDs or something?

Who was it?

Um, it was a woman.

She bought a different urn. It should be on the invoice.

-Celeste Jones. -Celeste Jones.

Eric! Celeste!

-Lean forward, push your back up. -I'm gonna lean you back...

Oh, Emily.

Emily's home.

Why did you pick up Mr. Roosevelt?

Pardon me?

Why did you pick up the ashes?

Uh, they called me.

Why did they call you?

Well, I called to check in this morning.

And later today they said they tried calling you,

but couldn't get a hold of you.

And what about the urn?

Oh...

Yeah. You should have seen what they put him in.

It looked like it was the cheapest one they had.

It was the second cheapest.

I guess that's it. We have him back. Time to bury him.

Do you have a shovel?

Or do you want to just put him in your compost?

What?

Celeste and I thought it might be nice to have some friends come over tomorrow

during the day and pay their respects.

Just a small gathering tomorrow early after breakfast.

Like a brunch?

Yes! Exactly.

A few of my friends are gonna bring some dishes

and there'll be mimosas.

Oh, mimosas.

But don't worry, you don't have to bring anything.

Just yourself and your memories.

Here.

I'll keep him safe.

Eric!

Hey, where's Celeste?

She left for book club.

Jesus, Eric! Book club? Seriously

-Celeste!

How could you let her do this to me?

Do what?

Em, Celeste has been nothing but nice to you.

No, I know that's what she's making it seem like,

-but she's trying to make me look bad. -Calm down!

-This is not about Celeste.

Of course it's about Celeste.

-No, it's not! -Yes, it is!

? No, it's not ?

-Don't. Don't do this.

? It's about us ?

Come on, give it to me.

Come on.

? Maybe you're right ?

? But what do we do? ?

? I don't know ?

? But can we just talk? ?

You remember how we were gonna improvise a whole album based on our fights?

-Yeah.

? Why didn't that happen? ?

? Because you left ?

No...

You should play this.

No.

Play it! No.

This is gonna be great.

You were saying...

? Because I... ?

Yikes. I'll tune it.

What are you doing?

What do you mean? I thought we were both doing this.

I'm sorry.

Let's just get out of here.

-You have to try this one.

It's hot.

-Oh, my God. -It's so hot.

-It is so hot!

-Mmm! Mmm! -Ah!

Oh!

-Damn, damn! -Good, though.

I missed, missed tacos.

Mmm!

Your siblings in LA do not compare.

-Mmm! Really?

I thought LA had the best Mexican food.

No. That's a myth. It's really awful.

I think it's because LA is obsessed with burritos.

Who needs those? Burritos are just sleeping bags for rice.

I want the flavor. Mmm!

Can I try that one?

Yeah. It's mild.

I'm a pussy and it feels good to say out loud.

So...

How's that going?

-Yeah.

I'm managing.

Um, how's real estate

It's more hypothetical than real...

so far,

but it's good, I'm taking courses

and I'm shadowing this guy that Celeste knows.

It's good.

Em. I missed you.

Dude!

Emily Martin? Shut up!

Stacy, hi.

Sean, I literally was just talking about Emily, my college roommate.

God, what are you doing here? You're, like, famous.

She did that spaghetti bath video I was telling you about.

It has ten million views. You must have made so much money.

Yeah, no. I couldn't monetize it.

What the fuck

Because of the Michael Jackson song.

Fuck! Fuck that guy.

So, what are you two doing?

-We are just eating tacos. -Tacos.

Sean and I are going to this house party up the street.

You guys should come. There's gonna be beers and fun.

No, we're kind of in the middle of something.

I'd do it.

Yeah, he's doing it. Come on, you should go. Come on!

Please!

BRB. PBR.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Yoo-hoo! I can't seem to lose you. Oh!

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-I didn't mean to scare you.

No, it's okay.

Um, it's my friend's house. We're about to play.

-Oh, cool. -Yeah.

-Good.

-Good.

-I'll see you guys. -Yeah.

How do I know her?

Oh, she's the waitress I ran into at the French restaurant.

-And just now. Yeah. Again.

We're the Leeks.

? Pet for a python Got a live one ?

? Slither up and squeeze it Feed it! Feed it! ?

? Slither up some pythons They're coming head on ?

? Tell her that we need it Put on that python ?

? Drive in at night Drive everywhere ?

? Blood in the eye Later on the night ?

? They got this python It's coming head-on ?

? Now you got the spotlight Get 'em! Get 'em! ?

? Get 'em! Get 'em! Get 'em! ?

Oh, my God!

-Hey. -You were so amazing!

Oh, thanks, man.

Why didn't you tell me that you were in a band?

-Well, you never asked. -Oh.

-No, I'm good.

Okay.

What the hell, give me a cigarette.

-You know what, I'll take one.

Yeah. Why not?

We're all doing it. I love peer pressure.

Yeah, you know, I was just like, "Fuck guys."

And then I got on Tinder.

And then I met Sean three days ago.

It's been fucking amazing.

Wait, wait, wait. Do you see celebrities all the time in LA?

Um, well, one New Year's Eve,

I saw Thom Yorke buying deodorant at a Ralphs.

Wait, what's a "Ralphs"?

It's HEB, but it's like a... It's like HEB.

Oh!

-Yeah.

Hey, everybody!

Who wants to see a really funny video

with the most famous person from Austin, Texas?

No.

-My friend Emily Martin right here. -No, please.

-Play it. -Yes. Come on, play it!

I think it's, like, "spaghetti balls"?

Um, "meatballs"?

-Uh, "Tubgirl." -Definitely not "Tubgirl."

I can't hear anything.

More sauce! More sauce!

More sauce! More sauce!

More sauce! More sauce!

More sauce! More sauce! More sauce!

Yeah!

More sauce! More sauce! More sauce!

More sauce! More sauce! More sauce!

Dude, how did you get so many noodles in that tub?

Did you smell like tomatoes for weeks?

Why are you so bummed out? People loved it.

I don't know. It's really hard to explain. Dude, turn your sad frown clown upside down.

Is this all I'm gonna be known for?

? You always act like nothing's wrong ?

? You always tell me that you're fine ?

? Dark clouds are falling on your head ?

? Just like a sad little clown ?

? You got to turn that frown upside down ?

? My sad little clown ?

? You're not fooling me, baby ?

? I can see a sad little clown in misery ?

? You're my sad little clown ?

? You're my sad little clown ?

? You're my sad little clown ?

? Turn that frown upside down ?

Whoa! Oh, God.

-Whoa, whoa! -I'm sorry.

-Man overboard! -No!

All right. -Aw!

-I got you. I got you.

-You got me!

I'm a menace to society.

-Wow, you're a fucking badass.

-I'm impressed. -Yeah.

-Just leave these bikes for dead.

Mmm.

We shouldn't...

No.

...do anything.

-We can't do this. -No, I know.

This is not a thing that we should be doing.

-We should not be doing this. -No.

It's not like...

No, we can't...

I know. It's not like I planned on doing this.

I have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Well, she's more like a life coach.

Come on.

No, Eric...

You come on.

She's trying to change you.

She sweeps into your life, thinks she knows what's best for you,

and wants to take away the things you care about, like your music.

For what

Did you see yourself tonight? You fucking killed it!

And you loved it! And you know you did!

And you're willing to give that all up for some girl?

I've tried the music thing. I've been here for ten years.

Nothing has happened.

Okay, so fucking Austin's not working out. Fuck Austin.

I've always said you should go on tour.

And just leave everything and struggle and be alone.

So you're alone for a little bit.

Sometimes you have to give up things you care about

to get the things you want.

Yeah, and how's that working out for you?

Okay, Eric, I just want to know, I just...

If you could have anything, any career, any dream,

what would it really be? Honestly, just ask yourself that.

Honestly, I just want a family.

Is that the Klonopin talking?

What?

Um, I saw the prescription drugs in the cabinet in the bathroom.

It's fucking Celeste.

She has you drugged up so you'll just do whatever she says

so you'll just be this perfect little house husband.

I'm so fucking sad for you right now.

Are you a fucking lunatic?

What?

Celeste didn't put me on Klonopin. She helped me get off of it.

I was on it because of you.

When you left, I was a fucking wreck.

I loved you.

And you disappeared.

No calls. Bye.

Do you know how much that hurt?

I didn't know I hurt you.

I didn't know that I hurt you. You never said that.

What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?

-I don't know!

I don't know. I didn't know you needed me.

Oh...

Well, I didn't need you.

Okay, I didn't...

Eric, I just... I don't know, I didn't think it was over.

Oh, you thought I was waiting?

No, of course I didn't think that.

I think in some way I thought that I was doing it for you.

I'm struggling out there. I'm a miserable person.

Can we be very clear?

You did not do that for me. You did that for you.

Everything that you do...

is just for yourself.

Emily, let's just go home. I don't have a home!

Hey, girl!

-Fuck you!

Is that an invitation?

-? Money makes the world go round ?

? It makes the world go round ?

? Money makes the world go round ?

? It makes the world go round ?

Sorry, I don't have any cup holders.

It's okay.

You wanna see my gun?

-I have a gun.

Let me show you.

-Yeah.

Oh, whoa!

-It's like an antique. -Okay.

-It's a .45 from 1911. -Mmm-hmm.

It's, like, literally over 100 years old.

Yeah, that's the math there.

Do you want to see the bullets, too?

I don't. I'm actually pretty good. Thank you.

You can put it away now.

You don't want to hold it? Just hold it.

-I'm okay. I'm fine. -Okay, it's harmless.

It's not gonna bite you.

It's not. It's gonna shoot me.

You have like...

I was just gonna say you have goose bumps.

Yeah. It's cold.

Tickles.

You're funny.

Say it again!

You're funny.

I'll do it.

-Sorry. -It's okay.

Did you wear braces?

What?

Did you ever wear braces? You have super nice teeth.

Shh. Oh.

Okay, we'll...

I got it. -So sexy.

Oh! Oh! You okay?

It's okay. I still have a boner.

I can't get this thing off.

It's a bralette. It's like a training bra, but for adults.

God! Oh!

Yeah, I like it.

Oh! -Ah!

Oh, that felt good.

That's it.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

Hi.

What's the occasion?

Do you wanna get some breakfast or something?

No.

-You stepped on my shoe, dude. -Go.

-We can get brunch somewhere else. -No.

You can't smoke here. Go.

Not on your property.

Come on, smart ass, just go!

Dude, hey, what the hell?

Do you want to hang out later?

-No. -All right.

-Jesus Christ. -Okay, great.

Well, awesome.

-Oh, God.

All right, well, I'll call you. I don't have your number!

I'll google you.

All right, well, have fun.

Save a piece of cat cake for me.

Um, while we all mourn the loss of a member of our community,

it's important to think of this as a celebration of a life.

-To Mr. Roosevelt. To Mr. Roosevelt.

And thank you to Melanie for making this beautiful pie.

I flew the pecans in from South Carolina.

But it's nothing compared to Bethany's cake.

Aw, I just found the picture on Facebook. The cake shop did the rest.

Very thoughtful, Bethany. Thank you.

Everybody, let's take a picture together!

Okay, everybody get in.

All right.

Oh, get the pie...

in the picture and the cake, it's so beautiful.

Be careful!

Resident photographer here.

Group effort. And don't forget this!

You hold it. You were like his aunt.

Aw...

Okay. All right, everybody squeeze in.

One, two, three, say "Mr. Roosevelt."

Mr. Roosevelt!

I got it.

Be sure to tag me. -Of course.

I want to propose a toast to all of you who came today.

It's been tough the past few days for me and Eric,

but I think Mr. Roosevelt would have really appreciated

all of us coming together.

So thank you.

-We love you. -We love you, guys.

And I want to especially thank Emily Martin.

If it wasn't for her, I would never have gotten to know him.

To Emily.

To Emily.

Don't you fucking do that.

Excuse me?

I know what you're doing, Celeste.

I don't know what you're talking about.

"If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have gotten to know him"?

Okay, we get it.

You're amazing.

You win!

You got the guy! You got the house!

Emily? Sweetie...

We all understand. It's okay. We're hurting too.

Sorry, do I know you?

Oh, I'm Bonnie.

Okay, Bonnie, I have a question. Did you know him?

Did you know Teddy Roosevelt?

No, but I heard a lot about him.

Oh, you heard a lot about him. That's the thing right there.

None of you knew him.

You're not here because you care about Mr. Roosevelt.

You're here because you care about yourselves.

So you can take pictures for your Instagrams and your Facebooks.

And you can say, "I did something! I was there!"

And you! You bought pecans from another state?

You overnight it?

What is that?

That's insanity!

That's fucking insane! That's an insane thing to do!

Emily, maybe you've had too much to drink.

Mmm. You think?

Emily...

I know why you're acting out, and it's okay.

Oh, do you?

You seem to know everything else, so that's not a surprise.

So why don't you tell me, Celeste, why?

You just feel guilty.

Oh, do I?

Yes, you feel guilty for leaving him.

I'm actually really happy that you and Eric found each other,

I think it's really special what you have, so...

congratulations.

No, Emily, not Eric.

Mr. Roosevelt.

It's just a fucking cat!

No, no, no.

Emily...

Emily, put Mr. Roosevelt down.

You don't have to do this.

Emily...

Emily...

Emily. Please.

Emily.

I'm sorry.

Get her!

Mr. Roosevelt!

Jen!

Okay, just calm down. Just start from the beginning.

What happened with Eric?

Okay, after we left the party, we kind of, sort of kissed.

And then we had a fight.

And then, I don't... I'm such a fuck-up.

I don't know why I did it.

You kissed him. I don't see what the big deal is.

No, Jen, I fucked Art.

What?

I woke up with him at Eric's place.

Emily.

There were all these people there,

and there was a cake with a picture of Mr. Roosevelt on it.

And I freaked out and then I took the ashes.

You took the ashes?

I took the ashes.

Badass.

Yeah?

So what are you going to do now? Are you leaving tomorrow?

I don't know! I don't know!

You could stay here.

I can't, I've already burned every bridge in Austin.

I'm gonna go back to LA, and try to get another editing gig.

And then audition for commercials

and be a desperate improv comedian who never gets a real job,

and just ends up being some loser fucking waitress.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that.

No, Jen...

Jen, I didn't... Obviously, I didn't mean...

Emily, shut up!

You are amazing. Jen, I didn't know...

I even fucked this up.

No, you didn't!

Listen, I'm your friend, no matter what.

But you need to grow the fuck up.

You're not the only one in the world with fucking problems.

You're right. I don't deserve friends.

God, you are so self-pitying!

I'm sorry!

Stop saying you're sorry!

Fuck! Fuck!

Where's my bike?

Where's my bike? Shit, shit.

Oh, my God.

Someone fucking stole my bike!

It's so fucking obvious!

Fuck everyone!

No, Jen.

Hey, buddy.

-Jen, Jen, no, I don't want to. -It's okay, man.

-I'm just here to help. -You can't do this to me.

-I'm here to help. -I don't want it.

Just gonna get you with a little water.

No, no, no.

-Don't do this. -There's nowhere to go.

-No. -Come on, man.

-You gotta face your fears. -No.

No, no.

-I'm trying to help. -No!

-Here to help. -No!

Mr. Roosevelt!

I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

Jen, am I a bad person?

No.

There's no way in hell you're a bad person.

You're a good person...

with really bad execution.

You ready to do this?

Hi.

There's not much of him in here.

What's up? Jen.

I've heard a lot about you.

I don't know where Eric is. After this morning, he just disappeared.

And he left his phone here.

I'm sure he's all right.

Emily, I was just trying to do something nice...

with the brunch and with you.

Okay?

I don't know how to handle stuff like this.

And maybe I went about it the wrong way.

And everyone's so upset. Everyone is so upset.

And you ran away.

And Eric is gone and I don't even know who you are.

And I was just trying to do something nice.

I wanted to do something right!

What the fuck?

This is the part where you're supposed to start laughing.

What?

You want some?

Yeah.

Mmm.

I never had a pet before Mr. Roosevelt.

Wait, really

No.

Eric.

Where were you?

Just walking around, thinking.

-Mmm-hmm.

Some stuff happened.

Shall we do this?

"Dear Eric and Celeste.

Thank you for taking such good care of me.

Now that I'm no longer alive, I just want to report back and say,

the tuna in heaven is divine.

Love, Mr. Roosevelt.

PS, I know my mom, Emily, was kind of a cunt,

but she's grown up a lot over this weekend.

Thank you for showing her what a family looks like.

She thinks you guys are building something great together.

And the wood floors look awesome.

PPS, sorry I broke your thing.

I tried to fix it as best as I could.

PPPS, hey, just in case you didn't know, this is Emily writing this."

Hi, is Jen home?

I thought you were gone.

Yeah, I'm going to be leaving.

I just wanted to say goodbye to you before you left for tour.

What? I'm not going on tour.

You say that now, but maybe this will change your mind.

"Mdotclark79. This drummer is sick. Come to Cincinnati."

The people have spoken. They love you.

Maybe I will go on tour.

Yeah, you will. Guess my YouTube came in handy for something.

Fuck yeah!

Well, Jen, I'm gonna miss you.

-I'm gonna miss you, too, man. -Bring it in.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah!

Well, I guess that's it.

See you.

Wait, Jen, I almost forgot.

I am flat broke. Can I get a ride to the airport?

-Oh, fuck you. -Okay.

-I'll get my keys. Okay.

? Oh, won't you come with me ?

? Through the buzzing streets I've been so lonely ?

? I just can't keep from crying ?

? Oh, won't you come with me ?

? And then I find myself here In good company ?

? You make the colors brighter ?

? Oh, I've been so in my head ?

? I need a vacation from myself ?

? Oh, I've been so in my head ?

? Oh, for far too long ?

? And won't you come on down ?

? Way out into the street ?

? Way out into the light ?

? Oh, I'm gonna find my case in the sun ?

? Whether I'm by myself or with someone ?

? I just gotta keep on trying ?

? Oh, where did you turn ?

? Oh, where does it go ?

? Oh, I've wasted summers ?

? Oh, for far too long ?

? And I'm gonna set myself free ?

? And let myself be ?