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What's up, Marloneers?
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
2
00:00:03,138 --> 00:00:05,656
Growing up, I had a lot of brothers.
3
00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:07,910
I was damn near born
into a fraternity.
4
00:00:07,911 --> 00:00:10,579
I was hazed my entire life.
5
00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:12,880
My brothers would lick my food.
6
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:18,754
Hey, my cookie tastes like spit!
7
00:00:18,755 --> 00:00:21,524
It was rough, but see, the thing was,
8
00:00:21,525 --> 00:00:23,225
my brothers was always there for me.
9
00:00:23,226 --> 00:00:26,462
And when I went to college,
I missed that brotherhood.
10
00:00:26,463 --> 00:00:28,998
And then I met Stevie,
11
00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:31,966
and he was always there.
12
00:00:32,968 --> 00:00:35,004
See, they're fast and furious.
13
00:00:36,439 --> 00:00:37,773
Which one is this?
14
00:00:37,774 --> 00:00:39,708
Boy, would you stop being there?
15
00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:50,085
Marlon!
16
00:00:53,322 --> 00:00:55,524
The guys are gonna be here any minute.
17
00:00:55,525 --> 00:00:58,894
I hope you brought a jacket,
because it's chilly in D.C.
18
00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:00,963
Girl, I got eight party outfits,
19
00:01:00,964 --> 00:01:04,133
six after-party outfits,
and I ain't covering up
20
00:01:04,134 --> 00:01:07,001
Nair-one of 'em with a damn jacket.
21
00:01:07,803 --> 00:01:09,638
- 14 outfits?
- Mm-hmm.
22
00:01:09,639 --> 00:01:11,941
Girl, we're only going
for the weekend.
23
00:01:11,942 --> 00:01:14,977
This is Howell homecoming.
I don't know what to expect.
24
00:01:14,978 --> 00:01:17,680
Y'all all had
that black college experience.
25
00:01:17,681 --> 00:01:19,615
Homecoming is a blast.
26
00:01:19,616 --> 00:01:21,350
You get to catch up with old friends
27
00:01:21,351 --> 00:01:24,486
over wine and cheese and jazz.
28
00:01:27,390 --> 00:01:29,525
Girl, I'm 'sleep.
29
00:01:29,526 --> 00:01:31,560
I'm trying to day party, night party,
30
00:01:31,561 --> 00:01:33,963
after party, and be
on somebody's shoulders
31
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:35,431
at the Migos concert.
32
00:01:35,432 --> 00:01:37,099
Oh...
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00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:38,534
Yvette,
34
00:01:38,535 --> 00:01:40,703
I'm not gonna be
one of those pathetic old-heads
35
00:01:40,704 --> 00:01:43,538
running around homecoming
acting a fool.
36
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:46,575
HU!
37
00:01:46,576 --> 00:01:50,446
Fo' sho!
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00:01:50,447 --> 00:01:52,347
OK!
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00:01:53,082 --> 00:01:54,849
Yeah, we... we don't do that.
40
00:01:56,619 --> 00:01:58,187
I'm so excited, you guys,
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00:01:58,188 --> 00:02:00,022
that we're all going back
for homecoming.
42
00:02:00,023 --> 00:02:02,324
Oh, I love going back to homecomings!
43
00:02:02,325 --> 00:02:04,793
I like going just to see
how terrible people look.
44
00:02:04,794 --> 00:02:05,928
Oh, my God.
45
00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:07,529
On our 20th, this girl came up to me.
46
00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:09,498
She said, "Marlon!
47
00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:10,799
You was in my class!"
48
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,501
I said, "Which one did you teach?"
49
00:02:14,604 --> 00:02:15,838
Oh, my God.
50
00:02:15,839 --> 00:02:17,306
But this is a special year.
51
00:02:17,307 --> 00:02:20,776
This is the 25th anniversary
of the Drew Cows,
52
00:02:20,777 --> 00:02:23,646
the fraternity I founded
in my underwear
53
00:02:23,647 --> 00:02:25,713
while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.
54
00:02:26,649 --> 00:02:27,883
Wait, so you're the one who started
55
00:02:27,884 --> 00:02:30,552
- that stupid cow fraternity?
- Yup.
56
00:02:30,553 --> 00:02:32,288
And, you know, I should have started
57
00:02:32,289 --> 00:02:34,323
another one for all the farm animals,
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00:02:34,324 --> 00:02:36,358
so this way, you and your horsehair
59
00:02:36,359 --> 00:02:37,593
could have joined.
60
00:02:37,594 --> 00:02:39,795
'Cause that weave you got is hi...
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00:02:39,796 --> 00:02:42,197
lar...
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00:02:42,198 --> 00:02:43,931
ious.
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00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:47,169
I didn't want to be a part
of those big frats,
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00:02:47,170 --> 00:02:48,537
so I started the Cows.
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00:02:48,538 --> 00:02:49,672
Drew Cows!
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00:02:49,673 --> 00:02:52,341
Moo!
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00:02:52,342 --> 00:02:54,310
And this year, the original Cows
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00:02:54,311 --> 00:02:56,111
are coming back
to pledge the new line.
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00:02:56,112 --> 00:02:57,513
Well, Stevie, why aren't you mooing
70
00:02:57,514 --> 00:02:59,481
like your ass got stuck
with a cattle prod?
71
00:02:59,482 --> 00:03:02,251
Sadly, I was never allowed to pledge.
72
00:03:02,252 --> 00:03:04,887
- Mm.
- Marlon always had my back.
73
00:03:04,888 --> 00:03:07,189
But the other founding fathers,
Eddie and Dwayne,
74
00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:09,058
didn't think that I was "leather."
75
00:03:09,059 --> 00:03:11,225
That's what they call "Cow material."
76
00:03:12,494 --> 00:03:13,662
Not being a Cow is still one
77
00:03:13,663 --> 00:03:14,863
of the biggest regrets of my life.
78
00:03:14,864 --> 00:03:16,931
Well, that and cheap Lasik.
79
00:03:17,533 --> 00:03:19,468
And never trying out
for "The Lion King."
80
00:03:19,469 --> 00:03:21,303
And missing the "Frasier" finale.
81
00:03:21,304 --> 00:03:22,838
I don't know how it ended.
82
00:03:22,839 --> 00:03:24,639
So many regrets.
83
00:03:25,207 --> 00:03:28,242
And so many reasons why they
didn't let you in the frat.
84
00:03:28,944 --> 00:03:30,579
- I mean, well,
- if you guys didn't meet
85
00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:33,215
in Drew Cows, how did you
even become friends?
86
00:03:33,216 --> 00:03:36,151
Well, when I first got to HU, uh,
87
00:03:36,152 --> 00:03:40,122
my grades was
a little bit subpar, per Se.
88
00:03:40,123 --> 00:03:42,091
The only "A" I had was in partying.
89
00:03:42,092 --> 00:03:44,793
So I called Rent-A-Nerd.
90
00:03:44,794 --> 00:03:46,294
And I picked right up.
91
00:03:47,062 --> 00:03:48,797
Of all the people that I tutored,
92
00:03:48,798 --> 00:03:50,632
Marlon was the only one
who took me to parties.
93
00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:52,901
You could say I helped him
with classes...
94
00:03:52,902 --> 00:03:56,204
And I helped him with asses.
95
00:03:57,272 --> 00:03:58,741
Okay.
96
00:03:58,742 --> 00:04:00,242
Kids, come on down!
97
00:04:00,243 --> 00:04:02,745
Hey, we can reminisce
about the good old days
98
00:04:02,746 --> 00:04:04,913
- when we get to campus.
- Ah!
99
00:04:04,914 --> 00:04:07,182
Why do we have to stay at Grandma's?
100
00:04:07,183 --> 00:04:10,152
Every meal, she tells us
a story about segregation.
101
00:04:10,153 --> 00:04:14,055
I don't know who Jim Crow is,
but he did a number on Grandma.
102
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,964
Oh, look at all this black excellence!
103
00:04:21,965 --> 00:04:24,099
I never felt more at home.
104
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:25,701
I don't know, you looked pretty cozy
105
00:04:25,702 --> 00:04:27,168
in the Laker locker room.
106
00:04:27,703 --> 00:04:29,571
Come on, Yvette, I'll show you around.
107
00:04:29,572 --> 00:04:32,141
Okay. Whoo!
108
00:04:32,142 --> 00:04:33,475
Pastor Daddy would have been
109
00:04:33,476 --> 00:04:35,878
Pastor Granddaddy if he sent me here.
110
00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:38,514
Come on!
111
00:04:38,515 --> 00:04:40,416
This is where our friendship began.
112
00:04:40,417 --> 00:04:41,850
Not to be too sentimental,
113
00:04:41,851 --> 00:04:44,686
but I'd like to take
this opportunity to say...
114
00:04:44,687 --> 00:04:46,855
Drew Cows!
115
00:04:46,856 --> 00:04:48,290
Moo!
116
00:04:48,291 --> 00:04:50,626
My man Itchy Eddie,
117
00:04:50,627 --> 00:04:51,894
look at you!
118
00:04:51,895 --> 00:04:53,362
Remember why we called you
Itchy Eddie?
119
00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:56,398
'Cause you got poison ivy
and crabs all at the same time!
120
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,334
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Marlon!
121
00:04:59,335 --> 00:05:00,903
- Look at you!
- What's up, man?
122
00:05:00,904 --> 00:05:03,672
Skinny D ain't so skinny no more, man!
123
00:05:03,673 --> 00:05:05,140
Look at you, boy!
124
00:05:05,141 --> 00:05:07,443
Hey, man, why didn't you
invite me to the baby shower?
125
00:05:07,444 --> 00:05:08,777
Ah!
126
00:05:08,778 --> 00:05:10,846
- Marlon still got jokes, man!
- Yeah, man!
127
00:05:10,847 --> 00:05:13,015
And pants so tight,
you can see his sperm count!
128
00:05:13,016 --> 00:05:13,916
Oh!
129
00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:15,451
Hey... hey, we ain't got
to worry about that,
130
00:05:15,452 --> 00:05:16,819
'cause I just use your condom hat!
131
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:18,654
Is this thing ribbed and lubricated?
132
00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:20,856
Oh, hey!
133
00:05:20,857 --> 00:05:24,460
Stevie! AKA Nerdy Noggle!
134
00:05:24,461 --> 00:05:26,361
Eddie and Dwayne.
135
00:05:26,362 --> 00:05:28,697
Howell's least likely to succeed.
136
00:05:28,698 --> 00:05:30,466
I own my own trucking company.
137
00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:32,768
Well, that's why
the "likely's" in there.
138
00:05:32,769 --> 00:05:35,671
Allows for a certain margin of error.
139
00:05:35,672 --> 00:05:37,573
Hey, yo, Stevie, check it out.
140
00:05:37,574 --> 00:05:39,241
We came here to pledge some Calves,
141
00:05:39,242 --> 00:05:40,943
so why don't you find
your old glee club buddies
142
00:05:40,944 --> 00:05:44,146
and you guys can whack it
to the "Hamilton" soundtrack?
143
00:05:46,282 --> 00:05:47,816
I'll catch you later, dog!
144
00:05:47,817 --> 00:05:49,685
Hey, fellas, I believe it's that time.
145
00:05:49,686 --> 00:05:51,620
Bring in the bighead pledges!
146
00:05:51,621 --> 00:05:53,355
Big Brothers!
147
00:05:53,356 --> 00:05:55,991
I present to you
this year's Cow pledges.
148
00:05:58,628 --> 00:06:00,596
I love the smell of...
149
00:06:00,597 --> 00:06:02,798
Leather in the morning.
150
00:06:02,799 --> 00:06:06,233
Hey, hold up.
I thought we was pledging five.
151
00:06:07,402 --> 00:06:08,904
Pledges!
152
00:06:08,905 --> 00:06:10,706
Greetings, Big Brothers
of Drew Cow Fraternity,
153
00:06:10,707 --> 00:06:12,074
not incorporated!
154
00:06:12,075 --> 00:06:13,774
We're here to serve!
155
00:06:15,577 --> 00:06:19,013
What in the midlife crisis is this?
156
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,372
What is this, some kind of joke?
157
00:06:27,373 --> 00:06:29,668
Man, let me tell you,
you are disrespecting
158
00:06:29,669 --> 00:06:31,269
all the distinguished gentlemen
159
00:06:31,270 --> 00:06:33,038
that had that bell before you.
160
00:06:33,039 --> 00:06:35,574
I'm talking about legends,
like... like Dingleberry
161
00:06:35,575 --> 00:06:39,077
and Moose-Knuckle and... and Lil Stink
162
00:06:39,078 --> 00:06:41,146
and Lil Stink Stink, Jr.
163
00:06:41,147 --> 00:06:43,749
No relation, by the way.
164
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:45,150
This is no joke, Marlon.
165
00:06:45,151 --> 00:06:46,451
I reached out
to the current Cow president
166
00:06:46,452 --> 00:06:48,086
and asked him to pledge.
167
00:06:48,087 --> 00:06:49,788
I've been waiting 25 years
to prove to Eddie and Dwayne
168
00:06:49,789 --> 00:06:51,923
what you and I have always known.
169
00:06:51,924 --> 00:06:54,192
That you pull your pants
all the way to the floor
170
00:06:54,193 --> 00:06:55,794
when you take a pee at the urinal?
171
00:06:55,795 --> 00:06:57,362
It's weird, okay?
172
00:06:57,363 --> 00:06:58,997
Look at this... grown-ass man
173
00:06:58,998 --> 00:07:00,898
just sitting there like this.
174
00:07:03,402 --> 00:07:04,970
This looks weird, Stevie!
175
00:07:04,971 --> 00:07:06,905
It looks weird!
176
00:07:06,906 --> 00:07:08,506
Okay?
177
00:07:10,709 --> 00:07:12,511
That I have what it takes to be a Cow.
178
00:07:12,512 --> 00:07:14,146
Stevie, you don't understand.
179
00:07:14,147 --> 00:07:16,348
This pledge process is brutal, man.
180
00:07:16,349 --> 00:07:18,784
And Eddie and Dwayne
are not gonna take it easy
181
00:07:18,785 --> 00:07:20,018
on you, and neither can I.
182
00:07:20,019 --> 00:07:22,888
- Oh, I can handle it.
- How?
183
00:07:22,889 --> 00:07:26,725
Boy, you got the stamina
of Aretha Franklin.
184
00:07:26,726 --> 00:07:28,026
You've actually used
185
00:07:28,027 --> 00:07:29,628
the motorized scooter
in the supermarket!
186
00:07:29,629 --> 00:07:32,130
Those are for everybody!
187
00:07:32,131 --> 00:07:33,832
This is important to me, Marlon.
188
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:37,001
- I'm finally gonna be a Cow.
- Stevie...
189
00:07:38,336 --> 00:07:41,106
- Girl, you should wear this
on the booze cruise tonight.
190
00:07:41,107 --> 00:07:43,108
Girl, I already told you
I'm not playing with these kids
191
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:44,609
this weekend.
192
00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:48,246
- What's going on, cuties?
- Hey!
193
00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:49,748
Girl, please tell me y'all are coming
194
00:07:49,749 --> 00:07:51,415
on the booze cruise tonight.
195
00:07:52,451 --> 00:07:54,118
Hell yeah!
196
00:07:57,155 --> 00:07:58,490
Bye!
197
00:08:04,931 --> 00:08:06,431
Calves!
198
00:08:06,432 --> 00:08:08,233
I would like to formally introduce you
199
00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,202
to our founding fathers.
200
00:08:10,203 --> 00:08:12,771
Big Brother Itchy-E!
201
00:08:12,772 --> 00:08:14,372
Moo-moo!
202
00:08:14,373 --> 00:08:16,441
Big Brother Skinny-D!
203
00:08:16,442 --> 00:08:17,609
Moo-moo, homey.
204
00:08:17,610 --> 00:08:19,111
And the honorable...
205
00:08:19,112 --> 00:08:20,579
Big Brother Spot Blower.
206
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:23,447
♪ Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-moo
207
00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:29,620
Being a Cow requires a strong mind.
208
00:08:31,289 --> 00:08:34,893
'Cause we about to break you down.
209
00:08:34,894 --> 00:08:37,229
We about to fondle your brain.
210
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:40,432
We gonna grope your mind.
211
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,335
We gonna molest your psyche.
212
00:08:43,336 --> 00:08:45,971
Now, all y'all 18, right?
213
00:08:45,972 --> 00:08:48,406
Okay, cool.
214
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:50,075
Look at this new meat right here!
215
00:08:50,076 --> 00:08:52,077
Boy, you stink.
216
00:08:52,078 --> 00:08:53,812
You smell like...
217
00:08:53,813 --> 00:08:55,714
You smell like the wave cap
on a prisoner
218
00:08:55,715 --> 00:08:57,616
that's serving life!
219
00:08:57,617 --> 00:08:59,551
Oh, you smell like
220
00:08:59,552 --> 00:09:01,686
one of them baby dogs
when they six weeks old
221
00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:04,623
and you can't wash 'em.
222
00:09:04,624 --> 00:09:06,525
Oh, you smell mildewy.
223
00:09:06,526 --> 00:09:09,060
You smell like clothes
that you didn't finish drying
224
00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:11,530
but then wore to the gym
and started stinking.
225
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:17,502
Oh, you smell like floss string
after Thanksgiving dinner
226
00:09:17,503 --> 00:09:19,670
six years ago!
227
00:09:20,672 --> 00:09:22,407
Oh, you smell like
228
00:09:22,408 --> 00:09:24,876
a cat burglar's hat
229
00:09:24,877 --> 00:09:26,711
after he committed a lot of crimes
230
00:09:26,712 --> 00:09:29,681
and climbed tall, tall buildings.
231
00:09:29,682 --> 00:09:32,916
Skyscrapers in Dubai.
232
00:09:33,585 --> 00:09:36,587
Man, you damn near 50 years old.
233
00:09:37,522 --> 00:09:39,391
Hey, guys, we're pledging
234
00:09:39,392 --> 00:09:41,993
one of the Tuskegee Airmen!
235
00:09:41,994 --> 00:09:43,962
Hey, what's up
with this busted-ass Afro?
236
00:09:43,963 --> 00:09:47,098
Who are you, Cornell East?
237
00:09:47,099 --> 00:09:48,567
You find something funny?
238
00:09:48,568 --> 00:09:50,135
With all due respect, Big Brother,
239
00:09:50,136 --> 00:09:51,903
I've been friends with Marlon
for over two decades!
240
00:09:51,904 --> 00:09:54,539
He's called me a lazy-ass,
no-sex-having parasite!
241
00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,440
And that was in my birthday card.
242
00:09:57,642 --> 00:09:58,944
I don't know what color you are.
243
00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:00,345
You're confusing me!
244
00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:02,247
I don't know what you are, you...
245
00:10:02,248 --> 00:10:04,849
What are you, cake batter?
246
00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:07,519
Lemon pepper?
247
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,820
Off-Drake?
248
00:10:11,056 --> 00:10:13,291
So you still friends with Marlon, huh?
249
00:10:13,292 --> 00:10:14,826
He's my best friend, Big Brother!
250
00:10:14,827 --> 00:10:17,395
Well, here's the question:
how come your best friend
251
00:10:17,396 --> 00:10:19,064
never wanted you in the Drew Cows?
252
00:10:19,065 --> 00:10:21,366
He did! You two kept blocking me!
253
00:10:22,568 --> 00:10:25,302
Yo, he still don't know!
254
00:10:26,037 --> 00:10:27,839
Hey, hey, guys, look at...
255
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:28,840
look at Fetus Face!
256
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:30,208
Hey, hey, Fetus Face,
257
00:10:30,209 --> 00:10:31,943
we gotta put yo' face
back in the incubator
258
00:10:31,944 --> 00:10:34,079
to let it finish developing!
259
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,514
Hey, it was unanimous, bro.
260
00:10:36,515 --> 00:10:40,452
Now, we all agreed.
You were never Cow material.
261
00:10:40,453 --> 00:10:42,419
Even Marlon.
262
00:10:43,588 --> 00:10:45,123
Marlon, is this true?
263
00:10:45,124 --> 00:10:47,525
Um, well, it... it all depends
264
00:10:47,526 --> 00:10:49,527
on what you mean by "true."
265
00:10:49,528 --> 00:10:51,696
I mean a statement of fact.
266
00:10:51,697 --> 00:10:53,865
As in something
that actually happened.
267
00:10:53,866 --> 00:10:56,134
Are you talking
"my girl checked my cell phone,
268
00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:58,303
so I gotta admit it" true?
269
00:10:58,304 --> 00:11:00,972
Uh, then...
270
00:11:00,973 --> 00:11:03,574
I-I guess yes.
271
00:11:04,709 --> 00:11:06,009
It's true.
272
00:11:08,907 --> 00:11:11,123
Calves, we're taking you
to a muddy field
273
00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:12,224
for some cow tipping!
274
00:11:12,225 --> 00:11:13,592
By the way, you the cows!
275
00:11:13,593 --> 00:11:15,526
And it ain't all mud!
276
00:11:16,161 --> 00:11:19,397
Pledges, stampede!
277
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,669
You've been lying to me for 25 years.
278
00:11:23,670 --> 00:11:25,571
You knew how much
I wanted to be a Cow!
279
00:11:25,572 --> 00:11:27,606
- How could you block me?
- Because I didn't want you
280
00:11:27,607 --> 00:11:29,441
going through the torture
of initiation!
281
00:11:29,442 --> 00:11:31,910
- Why the hell not?
- Dude, you remember you
282
00:11:31,911 --> 00:11:33,779
freshman year. Come on, man!
283
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,213
You was soft and corny.
284
00:11:35,214 --> 00:11:36,981
Look, you still corny!
285
00:11:37,583 --> 00:11:39,284
Dude, you used to drag
your books behind you
286
00:11:39,285 --> 00:11:40,652
in a rollaway backpack.
287
00:11:40,653 --> 00:11:42,054
I didn't know
if you was going to class
288
00:11:42,055 --> 00:11:44,188
or taking a damn red-eye.
289
00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:47,359
I was trying to protect you, Stevie.
290
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,128
Oh, you had to protect me?
Like I'm some sort of child?
291
00:11:50,129 --> 00:11:52,930
You still wear superhero underwear!
292
00:11:54,232 --> 00:11:56,134
And make noises
and fly around the house
293
00:11:56,135 --> 00:11:58,303
going, "Pssh!"
294
00:12:00,306 --> 00:12:03,075
Well, you don't need to
"protect" me anymore, Marlon.
295
00:12:03,076 --> 00:12:04,943
I'm gonna prove to them and you
296
00:12:04,944 --> 00:12:06,778
that I do have what it takes.
297
00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:10,115
In fact, you don't need
to protect me ever again.
298
00:12:10,116 --> 00:12:12,618
When we get back to LA,
I'm moving out.
299
00:12:12,619 --> 00:12:13,952
Oh, really? Dude, I was just
300
00:12:13,953 --> 00:12:15,520
- looking out for you!
- I don't need you
301
00:12:15,521 --> 00:12:17,089
to look out for me anymore, jackass!
302
00:12:18,758 --> 00:12:20,626
You gonna cuss folks?
303
00:12:20,627 --> 00:12:22,060
Did you hear that, Moo-Moo?
304
00:12:22,061 --> 00:12:24,028
Stevie's cussin' folks!
305
00:12:25,664 --> 00:12:27,566
All right, listen up, Calves!
306
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:30,268
From here on out,
it's gonna be pure hell.
307
00:12:30,269 --> 00:12:33,804
And some of you ain't gon' make it.
308
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,310
And I'm not talking
to anyone in particular...
309
00:12:38,311 --> 00:12:39,744
Stevie.
310
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,749
- Serve 'em up!
- You have two minutes
311
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,984
to find the bottom
of this bowl of raw beef.
312
00:12:45,985 --> 00:12:47,551
Hands behind your back.
313
00:12:48,086 --> 00:12:49,620
Begin!
314
00:12:50,989 --> 00:12:52,391
You ain't gon' be able
to eat this, Stevie,
315
00:12:52,392 --> 00:12:54,826
'cause I didn't buy it for you!
316
00:12:54,827 --> 00:12:56,494
Oh, I'm gonna eat it.
317
00:12:57,129 --> 00:12:58,897
If I'm not part
of the clean plate club,
318
00:12:58,898 --> 00:13:00,365
I don't get dessert.
319
00:13:03,636 --> 00:13:05,070
All right, two Calves
320
00:13:05,071 --> 00:13:07,439
have already been sent off
to the pasture.
321
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,541
Only three remain.
322
00:13:09,542 --> 00:13:12,477
All Calves will stand
with this milk on their backs
323
00:13:12,478 --> 00:13:14,212
for the next five hours.
324
00:13:14,213 --> 00:13:17,281
You do that, you become Cows.
325
00:13:18,083 --> 00:13:20,851
Terrence Howard down there
ain't gon' last ten minutes.
326
00:13:22,921 --> 00:13:24,723
Hey.
327
00:13:24,724 --> 00:13:26,625
Do me a favor.
328
00:13:26,626 --> 00:13:29,260
Y'all text me when he goes down.
329
00:13:38,637 --> 00:13:40,639
OMG, Marlon.
330
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:41,873
I've been looking for you!
331
00:13:41,874 --> 00:13:44,176
Your whole frat is Snapchatting
332
00:13:44,177 --> 00:13:45,477
about how you blocked Stevie
333
00:13:45,478 --> 00:13:47,112
from becoming a Cow back in the day.
334
00:13:47,113 --> 00:13:48,513
WTF?
335
00:13:48,514 --> 00:13:51,649
Girl, did you just hop out
of a DeLorean?
336
00:13:52,284 --> 00:13:53,552
You better hurry up
and get the plutonium
337
00:13:53,553 --> 00:13:56,020
before Zack and Marley disappear.
338
00:13:57,022 --> 00:13:58,957
Why would you block him?
339
00:13:58,958 --> 00:14:01,960
Come on, you knew Stevie
back in the day, Ashley.
340
00:14:01,961 --> 00:14:03,928
The boy was soft and delicate.
341
00:14:04,930 --> 00:14:07,232
I had to protect his weak ass.
342
00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:09,434
Now he's talking about moving.
Where you gonna go,
343
00:14:09,435 --> 00:14:11,735
from our couch to the loveseat?
344
00:14:13,271 --> 00:14:16,174
Marlon, let me ask you something.
345
00:14:16,175 --> 00:14:18,710
When your grandmother was sick,
346
00:14:18,711 --> 00:14:20,078
who was there for you?
347
00:14:20,079 --> 00:14:22,346
My grandpa and his girlfriend?
348
00:14:24,249 --> 00:14:25,817
All right.
349
00:14:25,818 --> 00:14:28,153
And Stevie.
350
00:14:28,154 --> 00:14:29,888
And?
351
00:14:29,889 --> 00:14:31,389
And he drove me from LA to New York
352
00:14:31,390 --> 00:14:34,392
because he knew
I couldn't afford a ticket.
353
00:14:34,393 --> 00:14:36,528
- And?
- And...
354
00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:38,764
he got speeding tickets in six states.
355
00:14:38,765 --> 00:14:40,499
- And?
- He's still wanted
356
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,368
in Illinois.
357
00:14:43,369 --> 00:14:45,270
- And!
- I had to pay
358
00:14:45,271 --> 00:14:47,038
for the damn tickets!
359
00:14:47,039 --> 00:14:50,008
But!
360
00:14:50,009 --> 00:14:53,145
But my grandma was happy to see me.
361
00:14:53,146 --> 00:14:56,548
Now, maybe I'm wrong AF.
362
00:14:56,549 --> 00:14:59,217
But it sounds to me
like you haven't always
363
00:14:59,218 --> 00:15:00,951
been the strong one.
364
00:15:02,387 --> 00:15:03,722
Check it.
365
00:15:03,723 --> 00:15:06,324
So Shane just slid into my DMs,
366
00:15:06,325 --> 00:15:09,394
inviting us to his dorm
for a beach party!
367
00:15:09,395 --> 00:15:11,096
Girl, we gotta bounce!
368
00:15:11,097 --> 00:15:12,430
Okay!
369
00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:16,468
Oh, hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
370
00:15:16,469 --> 00:15:18,436
- Marlon.
- Yeah.
371
00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:21,807
- You gon' be all right?
- Yeah.
372
00:15:21,808 --> 00:15:23,975
I'll be okay. But...
373
00:15:23,976 --> 00:15:25,944
I'm concerned about you two.
374
00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:29,781
I mean, between the crow's-feet
and the bubblegum lip gloss,
375
00:15:29,782 --> 00:15:31,917
girl, y'all look like T-L-Senile.
376
00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:35,719
Don't go chasing Geritol.
377
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:45,132
Calf down, two heifers to go.
378
00:15:47,802 --> 00:15:49,303
Stevie!
379
00:15:49,304 --> 00:15:50,737
I need to talk to you!
380
00:15:50,738 --> 00:15:52,439
Well, I guess you came here
381
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,641
to watch me fall,
prove that you were right.
382
00:15:54,642 --> 00:15:57,477
Well, I'll have you know, sir,
383
00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:58,478
your time is impeccable.
384
00:15:58,479 --> 00:15:59,947
It's about to happen.
385
00:15:59,948 --> 00:16:01,481
You're damn right
it's about to happen.
386
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,550
I got them Life Alert people
on standby.
387
00:16:03,551 --> 00:16:05,252
Smart, smart.
388
00:16:05,253 --> 00:16:06,753
Your weak ass is breathing
389
00:16:06,754 --> 00:16:08,488
like your contractions
are two minutes apart.
390
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:10,157
Stevie, listen.
391
00:16:10,158 --> 00:16:12,125
I was wrong about you back in the day.
392
00:16:12,126 --> 00:16:13,193
I didn't know you well enough.
393
00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:15,596
But you know what? You a Cow material!
394
00:16:15,597 --> 00:16:18,265
Come on, now, Marlon,
you cannot be serious.
395
00:16:18,266 --> 00:16:20,434
Eddie, I know you ain't talkin'.
396
00:16:20,435 --> 00:16:22,469
The only reason why you became a Cow
397
00:16:22,470 --> 00:16:24,805
was because you were too scared
to join a real frat.
398
00:16:24,806 --> 00:16:27,941
Yeah, one hit with that paddle,
and you was ready
399
00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:29,977
to join a sorority.
400
00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:35,548
I know you ain't laughin', Skinny-D.
401
00:16:35,983 --> 00:16:38,518
Yeah, the only reason
why your ass became a Cow
402
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:40,153
is 'cause you wasn't pretty enough
403
00:16:40,154 --> 00:16:41,521
to join the pretty boy frat!
404
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:43,657
Yeah, they said you had a pretty face
405
00:16:43,658 --> 00:16:46,058
but you had a body
like a wounded orangutan!
406
00:16:47,661 --> 00:16:49,162
What happened to all those dreams
407
00:16:49,163 --> 00:16:50,631
of becoming a model, huh?
What kind of model
408
00:16:50,632 --> 00:16:52,898
you gon' be, a Lane Bryant model?
409
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:54,868
Come on, guys.
410
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:56,470
Let's be real.
411
00:16:56,471 --> 00:16:58,472
We started this fraternity
because we was
412
00:16:58,473 --> 00:17:00,641
a bunch of misfits.
413
00:17:00,642 --> 00:17:03,109
We didn't fit in anywhere.
414
00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:06,146
And then a year later,
Stevie comes along
415
00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:07,847
and we act all brand-new?
416
00:17:08,849 --> 00:17:13,987
Yes, he was a scrawny,
nerdy half-a-virgin.
417
00:17:13,988 --> 00:17:16,455
Your tone does not match your words.
418
00:17:18,492 --> 00:17:21,561
My point is,
this man is a lot stronger
419
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:24,498
than any of us give him credit for.
420
00:17:24,499 --> 00:17:26,133
Okay, listen, when I got jumped
421
00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:28,902
outside of Drew Hall,
who stood their ground with me?
422
00:17:28,903 --> 00:17:31,405
It wasn't you, Eddie.
Your ass ran off,
423
00:17:31,406 --> 00:17:33,038
and you started the fight!
424
00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,476
And what you shakin'
your head at, Skinny-D?
425
00:17:36,477 --> 00:17:38,245
You didn't help either!
Ol' big-ass brother
426
00:17:38,246 --> 00:17:39,713
ain't got no fighting skills.
427
00:17:39,714 --> 00:17:42,615
How you leave HU 0-52?
428
00:17:44,051 --> 00:17:46,386
The only one that stood
their ground with me
429
00:17:46,387 --> 00:17:47,554
was Stevie.
430
00:17:47,555 --> 00:17:49,189
Now, did he get his ass whupped?
431
00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:51,491
Yes, mercilessly.
432
00:17:51,492 --> 00:17:53,427
Ten years of tae Kwon do.
433
00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:54,561
They didn't know they were supposed
434
00:17:54,562 --> 00:17:56,897
to come at me one at a time.
435
00:17:56,898 --> 00:18:00,434
If anybody deserves
to be in this brotherhood,
436
00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:02,501
it's this man right here.
437
00:18:04,404 --> 00:18:07,074
Think that's the only reason
I started this thing.
438
00:18:07,075 --> 00:18:09,109
I guess I always wanted
to be your brother.
439
00:18:09,110 --> 00:18:10,877
Come on, man. Hey.
440
00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:13,947
You've been my brother for 25 years.
441
00:18:13,948 --> 00:18:16,116
And I don't need no stupid initiation
442
00:18:16,117 --> 00:18:17,451
to prove that.
443
00:18:17,452 --> 00:18:18,719
Come on, man, take this thing off.
444
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,387
No. No, I've come
445
00:18:20,388 --> 00:18:22,255
way too far, Marlon. I'm gonna finish.
446
00:18:22,256 --> 00:18:24,091
You sure?
447
00:18:24,092 --> 00:18:25,759
Well, then you really want
to take that off,
448
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,962
because uh, your time been up
about 45 seconds ago.
449
00:18:28,963 --> 00:18:31,064
What?
450
00:18:31,065 --> 00:18:32,799
Yeah, I was really feeling the speech.
451
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,034
It was moving,
you know what I'm saying?
452
00:18:34,035 --> 00:18:36,803
Like, I got after-school-special bumps
453
00:18:36,804 --> 00:18:38,472
on the back of my neck.
It was feeling good.
454
00:18:38,473 --> 00:18:41,908
Okay, ring the bell!
455
00:18:41,909 --> 00:18:45,112
Congratulations, Calves!
456
00:18:45,113 --> 00:18:48,115
- You're now...
- Drew Cows!
457
00:18:48,116 --> 00:18:50,951
Moo!
458
00:18:53,287 --> 00:18:56,456
Presenting Stephandre Noggle
459
00:18:56,457 --> 00:18:59,159
and Dustin...
460
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,496
I-I don't know your last name
'cause, Negro,
461
00:19:02,497 --> 00:19:06,166
I ain't think you was gon' make it...
462
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:08,635
as newest members of the Drew Cows,
463
00:19:08,636 --> 00:19:11,138
not incorporated.
464
00:19:11,139 --> 00:19:13,273
And from here on out,
465
00:19:13,274 --> 00:19:16,977
I want to announce
there will be no more grazing.
466
00:19:16,978 --> 00:19:19,846
If you want to join the Cows,
467
00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,315
all you have to do is share with us
468
00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:23,683
your misfit status
469
00:19:23,684 --> 00:19:27,887
and/or your ability to catch chicks.
470
00:19:28,455 --> 00:19:29,856
Drew Cows!
471
00:19:29,857 --> 00:19:32,325
Moo!
472
00:19:32,326 --> 00:19:36,095
Moo! Moo! Moo!
473
00:19:37,464 --> 00:19:39,231
Shh!
474
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:41,802
Shh!
475
00:19:43,504 --> 00:19:45,872
What the hell happened to you two?
476
00:19:45,873 --> 00:19:47,707
Uh...
477
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:50,844
yeah, we went
with some fraternity, uh,
478
00:19:50,845 --> 00:19:52,646
- gentlemen...
- Mm-hmm.
479
00:19:52,647 --> 00:19:55,649
To the Campbell Hall Beach Party.
480
00:19:55,650 --> 00:19:58,685
And we partied
like we were 19 years old.
481
00:19:58,686 --> 00:20:00,720
Which we are definitely not.
482
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,190
Wait, so y'all were with
the Campbell Cougars?
483
00:20:03,191 --> 00:20:05,859
- The Campbell Cougars?
- Yeah.
484
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:07,327
It's the job
485
00:20:07,328 --> 00:20:09,196
of every Campbell pledge
to bring the hottest moms
486
00:20:09,197 --> 00:20:11,931
they can find to the
homecoming beach party.
487
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:17,003
Campbell Cougars!
488
00:20:17,004 --> 00:20:18,771
So mean.
489
00:20:19,806 --> 00:20:22,075
The hottest cougars?
490
00:20:22,076 --> 00:20:24,777
Well, you know what? I'll take it.
491
00:20:25,579 --> 00:20:28,748
And, Yvette, I want
to thank you for pushing me.
492
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,852
I thought I was gonna feel
like an old-head, but...
493
00:20:31,853 --> 00:20:33,553
it felt good turning back the clock
494
00:20:33,554 --> 00:20:35,055
- this weekend.
- Aww.
495
00:20:35,056 --> 00:20:37,123
And I finally got
496
00:20:37,124 --> 00:20:40,060
the black college experience.
497
00:20:40,061 --> 00:20:42,328
Drew Cows!
498
00:20:44,331 --> 00:20:47,067
You know!
499
00:20:47,068 --> 00:20:48,867
Moo!
500
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,242
Drew Cow!
501
00:21:00,514 --> 00:21:02,215
Hey!
502
00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:06,786
Hey!
503
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:13,581
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