Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
www.fmsubs.com
2
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:15,223
How the fuck we doing, DC?
We good?
3
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:39,789
That music gets you hyped, man.
4
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,250
I see why there's
so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs.
5
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:47,797
It's the music, man. Make you feel like
you punched your best friend in the face.
6
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,467
"I'm hyped! I'll punch a nigga
in the face with a right!"
7
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,805
"Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit.
8
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,893
You did the same shit to me
with that Lil Uzi song last week.
9
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:02,353
No. You shot me right there."
10
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,565
I, like, still party. You know?
11
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:08,401
Yeah, I'm 45. I'm a...yeah.
12
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,448
You know that black don't crack
unless you smoke it.
13
00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:18,787
No, but I still party.
I'm like an old-young nigga.
14
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:19,704
Like...
15
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,289
You know what I mean?
Like...
16
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,625
I'm not like the nigga
that wears the Fubu and the...
17
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,087
and the Lugz and the big puffy jacket,
18
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,672
with the receding hairline
and the Yankee cap. I ain't him.
19
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,551
I'm the skinny jeans,
new 2.0, young-old nigga.
20
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,887
No. And then girls, when they dance,
21
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,765
they come real low and I'm like,
"Hey, I'm young in the face
22
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,475
and old in the knees. You..."
23
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,520
They be going down here, like, "Hey..."
24
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,939
I'm like, "Baby,
I can't follow you down there.
25
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:49,609
When I get to L-position,
my black ass come right back up."
26
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,612
No. 'Cause I don't wanna be
that nigga that go down,
27
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,405
try and chase it, like, "Hey..."
28
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,616
And your old ass gets stuck down there,
29
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:58,952
and she got to help you up.
30
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788
And you hear your knees pop
on the way up,
31
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,123
"Pop, pop, pop, pop!"
32
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,625
It's so loud, niggas think they shooting,
"Pop, pop, pop!"
33
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,168
"Oh, shit! They shooting!"
34
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,963
"Naw, they ain't shooting.
That's just my knees, man."
35
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,883
I can't commit physically to a song
36
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,261
until I know what the fucking words are.
37
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:19,180
I'm sorry, these...
Lyrics to these songs be crazy.
38
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,474
They be like,
"I'm sucking dick in the closet..."
39
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,767
"Naw, I'm good on that.
40
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,902
Nah. I'mma sit this one out.
I'm waiting for some Usher to come on,
41
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,987
something safe.
42
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,910
I'm saying, you know the good part
of the song's coming on...
43
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,329
You know, it's funny, like, you could tell
when the good part come on
44
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,125
'cause, brothers, we be like,
"Oh! This my shit, right here!"
45
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,836
It's funny 'cause black women
start stretching on your ass...
46
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,798
It be like, "Aw, this my song right here!
I'm about to twerk the shit out...
47
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,011
No. I'mma twerk the shit
out this, girl.
48
00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,598
I dislocated my clitoris,
popping my pussy to this."
49
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,562
"Girl, I broke my hymen twice
on this part.
50
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,730
Right here."
51
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,526
Some of these rappers,
they spend their money
52
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,195
on frivolous shit.
You know what they need?
53
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,406
They need, like,
some financial advisors.
54
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,868
They need to sit down with a nigga
that's Charles Schwab or Merrill Lynch,
55
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,119
you know,
before they write they rhymes.
56
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,330
♪ I got nine cars...♪
57
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,041
"Wait, nigga.
Those are depreciating assets.
58
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,837
You wanna put that money
on a nice condominium for yourself."
59
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,839
♪ I'm poppin' bottles with models ♪
60
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,884
"Hold on, now.
Those bottles are $700 in the club.
61
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,762
You could take your ass
right down to Costco..."
62
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,519
"You get the same bottle for 29.99.
63
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:52,815
And if you get the red tag special,
you'll get it for 24.99.
64
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,943
And don't pop bottles with models.
65
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,655
No. They do cocaine
and they can fucking drink all night.
66
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,908
Go get you a nice, regular bitch
that got to work in the morning."
67
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,791
♪ I got a mouth full of gold teeth ♪
68
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,252
"Well, brother, now you on to something.
69
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,589
'Cause gold stocks is making a comeback,
ever since Brexit."
70
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,759
Look, you hear the spatter
of Republican laughter.
71
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,721
Only the people with money could laugh
at that last joke.
72
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:24,931
People with money was like...
73
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,441
"This guy's a hoot!"
74
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,116
You know, but I realize
that I'm old school, man.
75
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,452
I like old-school hip-hop.
I like, like, "Rapper's Delight."
76
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:52,292
'Cause "Rapper's Delight"
was such a fun song, you know?
77
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,836
It was fun.
The lyrics was easy to remember.
78
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,171
It's like Dr. Seuss wrote
that motherfucker.
79
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:58,798
It was happy.
80
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:01,634
It was, like, hip-hop
even white people could enjoy.
81
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,428
'Cause the lyrics were so basic.
82
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:07,473
♪ I said a hip hop, hippie to the hippie
The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop ♪
83
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:10,310
♪ A-rock it to the bang bang
Boogie, the up, yo, the boogie♪
84
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,811
♪ To the rhythm of the boogie the beat♪
85
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,938
Look how happy white people are right now.
86
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,232
These two white boys
is in their seat, like,
87
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,776
"Wow!"
♪ Hip woppy, to the beat♪
88
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,156
♪ And me, the crew, and my friend
We're gonna try and move our feet♪
89
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,283
♪ See, I am♪
90
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:29,996
'Cause the lyrics were
so simple to remember.
91
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:33,958
♪ Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn♪
92
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:34,917
♪ You say what♪
93
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:39,213
♪ If your girl starts actin' up,
then you take her friend♪
94
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,173
Yeah!
95
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,846
"Fuck yeah! Why reward bad behavior?"
96
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,560
I ain't trying to be a hater.
You know, I like some of today's artists.
97
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:53,644
Like, I love Jay-Z.
98
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,356
I love...I love Jay-Z.
99
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,067
You know, what I love
about Jay-Z is that...
100
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:04,238
he's an artist that matures
and his music matures with him.
101
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,450
You know, like,
right now his new album, 4:44.
102
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,535
He's talking about grown man shit.
103
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:13,206
Stuff that's relevant to grown-ass men.
You know what I'm saying?
104
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,917
Like, he's talking about, like, marriage,
105
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,460
and children,
106
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,797
and family legacy and wealth,
107
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,132
and cheating on your wife.
108
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,843
And getting caught.
109
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,096
And getting your ass beat
110
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,348
in the elevator
by her crazy little sister.
111
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,394
You know,
shit that happens to grown folks.
112
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,771
That shit happened to me twice last year.
113
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,317
But see, some of these rappers be rhyming
like they 25 years old.
114
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,069
I'm like, hold on a second.
115
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,737
Nigga, you 50!
116
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,532
I want some age-appropriate
rhymes from you.
117
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,576
You better give me some middle age
crisis rhymes, nigga.
118
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:56,749
♪ These young rappers think I'm a sweetie,
nah, sugar high, diabetes♪
119
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,798
♪ These rappers wanna fight me,
go ahead, call your boys♪
120
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,843
♪ You can't kick my ass,
They're full of hemorrhoids♪
121
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,891
♪ Oh, you wanna fight this?
I stay knuckled up♪
122
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,602
♪ Thanks to my arthritis ♪
123
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,612
I like some of today's music, you know?
124
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,864
I like some of today's artists.
125
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,949
Like, I like Future. You guys like Future?
126
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
White people look confused.
127
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,496
"It's a rapper. You know...
Well, the future...
128
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,999
Sure, I love the future.
I'm looking forward to the future.
129
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,086
I'm so sorry about the past. You know...
130
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:45,506
The whole slavery thing. I'm sorry."
131
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,845
Future is a rapper, okay?
132
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,555
And I like Future, but see...
133
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:56,225
I listen to the lyrics
and I think that Future...
134
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,768
this brother need rehab.
135
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,229
All his songs,
136
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,149
he's mixing some kind
of weird drug combination.
137
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:05,234
His new song, Mask Off...
138
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:09,363
He's mixing Molly with Percocet.
139
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,617
Nigga, that's a bad drug combination.
140
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,994
You trying to kill motherfuckers or what?
141
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,538
You OD in the car,
listening to this nigga's album.
142
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,384
What is the drug culture going in hip-hop?
143
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,887
It's one thing
when Dr. Dre did The Chronic.
144
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,847
You know, shit.
We all smoke a little weed.
145
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,806
Shit. Yeah, right?
146
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,433
Yeah, some of us sell it. Right, nigga?
147
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,063
But Molly and Percocet?
148
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,648
And that's a hit song.
149
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:47,235
What's the next hit song
from a bad drug combination?
150
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,904
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
151
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,365
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
152
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,574
♪ We gonna chop it up♪
153
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,617
♪ We put it in a cup♪
154
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,285
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
155
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,453
♪ Don't be crazy♪
156
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,454
♪ Give it to your baby♪
157
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,206
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
158
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:09,090
But at least I understand the words
that's coming out of Future's mouth.
159
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,425
Right?
I understand the lyrics.
160
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,927
I understand what he's saying.
161
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,053
Now...
162
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,223
Can somebody please,
be kind enough to tell me...
163
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,184
What in the entire fuck...
164
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,272
is Desiigner saying in the song "Panda"?
165
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,652
Who the fuck gave Buckwheat a record deal?
166
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:36,033
Like, I understand
the first lyrics, right?
167
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,494
♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪
168
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,330
And then this nigga lose me.
169
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,128
♪ Legacy panda♪
170
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,797
♪ Black car look like a panda♪
171
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,809
Okay, nigga. So, how high were you
when you wrote this fucking song?
172
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,186
Like, how did this happen?
Was ya in your house?
173
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,188
You had a party,
there was girls over.
174
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,025
You know, you were smoking weed,
got paranoid and shit,
175
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,277
and started hallucinating.
You came out your house, you was, like,
176
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,154
♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪
177
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,539
♪ White Legacy panda♪
178
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,796
♪ The black car♪
179
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,923
♪ It look like a panda♪
180
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:40,264
You don't understand.
181
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,642
Nigga, when I first...
When I first heard this song, right?
182
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:46,270
My son walks by me...
The boy's not even saying lyrics.
183
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,647
I don't know what the fuck...
184
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,399
He walk by, he just making noises.
Just strange sounds.
185
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,942
He walk by me going...
186
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:09,126
I pulled his mommy to the side.
187
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,961
We called the doctor.
188
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,090
I thought this little nigga had
Tourette's syndrome.
189
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,428
Throughout the entire song,
Desiigner is screaming...
190
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,266
That shit sound painful.
191
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,186
That sound like the inaudible sound
that you make
192
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,438
when you go to take a piss
in the middle of the night,
193
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,648
in a dark room,
194
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,400
and you bust your toe...
195
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,403
on a piece of furniture
196
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,280
that ain't got no fucking business
being in the bedroom,
197
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,534
but your girl thought it was cute.
You know what I'm saying?
198
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,412
So, you go to take a piss
and you be like, "Aw, shit..."
199
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,093
And your girl wake up,
knowing it's her fault.
200
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,803
She put the shit there, like,
201
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,847
"You okay?"
202
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,433
No, bitch, I ain't okay.
203
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,061
What the fuck you got a goddamn
treasure chest in the damn bedroom for?
204
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,439
The fuck are you, a pirate?
205
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,942
When do you make that noise?
206
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,986
That's the sound I'd make...
207
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,822
if somebody was to wax...
208
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,204
this part of my asshole.
209
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,711
You know that weird meat
between your ass and your balls, fellas?
210
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:40,384
It's a weird little area because there
look like there should be a vagina there,
211
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,096
but God was like, "Come on,
you can't have a pussy and a dick.
212
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,056
Sew that shit up, Jesus."
213
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,057
"Okay, Dad."
214
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:54,440
And it got them weird,
scraggly hairs on it.
215
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:57,610
The hair don't grow right there.
It's all scraggly and sparse.
216
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,572
But it lay down. It look
like LeBron James' hairline right here.
217
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:12,708
But if your hair's real nappy and shit,
it look like Kevin Durant's.
218
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:23,135
But it's a weird little area,
this little place, right?
219
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,429
Because it's real sensitive, right?
220
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,307
It's the part on your body
where your girl lick, fellas, right?
221
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,975
And it feels really good.
222
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,520
It make you make all kind
of little weird, tickly noises, like...
223
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:39,401
It feels so good, you'll be making noises
like a white girl in a lesbian porno.
224
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,196
You'll be like,
"Oh, my fucking God! Fuck yeah!
225
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:46,951
Fuck yeah! Lick my fucking gooch!
Lick my fucking gooch!"
226
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,749
But you know when she lick it,
you feel a little bit gay when she do it?
227
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,501
You be conflicted, like,
228
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,461
"Oh, my God, suck my ass!
Here, suck my dick!
229
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:59,839
Make me straight again!
Go back down! Lick my gooch!
230
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,341
Lick the taint! Come back up!
Make me straight again!
231
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,718
Okay, listen. Don't tell nobody, okay?
232
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,057
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
233
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:15,020
Nah, nah, 'cause when you get mad,
you be saying all my fucking business.
234
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,649
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
235
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,235
All right. I'm going to trust you.
236
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,696
Here. Go on, get all that gooch.
237
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:28,826
Oh, my fucking God!
Get my fucking gooch! Fuck yeah!
238
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:33,122
Hold on, get the dick, too.
We call that the Doberman pinscher tail."
239
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:43,257
Well, if somebody was to wax
that part of my asshole,
240
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,633
I'd make that noise.
241
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,683
Thank y'all for coming out, man.
I chose DC to film my first special.
242
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,977
'Cause the first place I came to perform...
243
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,770
I went to Howard University.
244
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,358
That's right. HU!
245
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,862
Yeah, I didn't graduate.
I know all that shit. I just...
246
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,575
I only went for three semesters, but...
247
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:13,162
Then In Living Color came on. I was, like,
"Bye, niggas, I'm gonna get rich!
248
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,749
Fuck your school, nigga!
Fuck your school!
249
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,751
Fuck your positivity, niggas!
250
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,466
It's great to hear y'all laughter, man,
because this world is going through shit,
251
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:29,136
and laughter is healing
and I think we all need to do more of it.
252
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,226
Man, you look at the world,
we got hurricanes,
253
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,355
we got earthquakes, fires, floods.
254
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,190
It's fucking armageddon.
255
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,942
And you know who I blame?
256
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,028
I blame the Kardashians. See...
257
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,368
They are ruining this world,
one Negro at a time.
258
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:58,666
I don't know what is
in the vagina of a Kardashian,
259
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,710
but I think they got Zika
in there for niggas.
260
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,465
It's like, as soon as you put your dick
in a Kardashian, their vagina sucks...
261
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,053
all the talent...
262
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,598
out your dick. Just...
263
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,059
It leaves you weak.
264
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573
Everyone that bang 'em.
265
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,535
They need to do the movie Get Out...
266
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,999
about the goddamn Kardashian family.
267
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,419
I'll make that my next movie.
Haunted House 3, right?
268
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,423
You know, I'm dating one of 'em.
It's like Khloe, Kim, or Kletus...
269
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,343
You know, all them niggas start with a K.
And I walk up and see Kanye West and go,
270
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,762
"Hey, Kanye! Hey, man,
let's take a picture!"
271
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,764
We take a picture. The flash goes off...
272
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,852
That nigga's nose start bleeding.
273
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,354
He snaps out of a trance,
he grabs my hand, he goes,
274
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,523
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"
275
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,985
They drag him away, right?
And I get scared, so I run outside.
276
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,487
And I see Lamar Odom.
277
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,991
He's all cracked out,
doing this shit here.
278
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,833
I look upstairs, like...
I see Caitlyn Jenner.
279
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,218
Looking in the mirror.
The motherfucker's wig fall off.
280
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,346
He got a scar going across his forehead.
281
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975
You know what that scar is?
From all them damn face surgeries.
282
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,852
But here's the thing.
I know I'm talking shit
283
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,687
about the Kardashian family,
284
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,273
but I want to say this
and say it out loud.
285
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:51,695
I respect them and I applaud them
for embracing Bruce for being Caitlyn.
286
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,572
'Cause, you know, that shit is hard, man.
287
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,617
That shit is hard on your family
'cause love and unconditional acceptance
288
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,534
is a motherfucker.
289
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,453
And I don't know if we all got
that property in us.
290
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:00,412
That's hard.
291
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,664
I call myself woke, but not all the way.
292
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,917
I'm up, nigga, but I'm not...I'm woke-ish!
293
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,462
'Cause I still see the world and go,
"All right, I accept it,
294
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,380
but here's what's funny
about that motherfucker."
295
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,509
I think it's beautiful
that they accept him and I know it's hard
296
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,135
on the family.
I could tell at the ESPYs.
297
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,347
When Caitlin was giving a speech
and she wanted to thank the family?
298
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:23,060
She was like,
"I just want to thank my children..."
299
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,775
She always moving her mouth around,
look like a black man that...
300
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,528
You know how black people taste the food
before the shit is ready and it's hot?
301
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,155
And you trying to cool it off
and chew it at the same time.
302
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,331
"I just want to thank my children...
303
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,671
for loving me as the beautiful butterfly
I was born to be..."
304
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,174
And the camera pan to the kids.
305
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,262
And they was like, "What in the fuck?"
306
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,935
Nigga, Kim Kardashian started slowly
sinking in her seat, like,
307
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,521
"Nigga, that ain't my daddy.
My daddy dead.
308
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,650
That's just some strange nigga
my mama was banging
309
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,235
for his Wheaties' money.
310
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:17,030
Speaking of banging strange niggas,
come on, Kanye, let's get up outa here."
311
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,826
"Aw, Khloe, you ain't got to worry
with your big, ol' ass.
312
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,871
We all know OJ is your real daddy, so..."
313
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,876
Aw, nigga, tell me
she don't look like the Juice!
314
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,338
Put a black glove on Khloe,
I bet you that shit won't fit.
315
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,841
Here's how I know she's OJ's, okay?
316
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,342
I seen her at the airport.
317
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,304
She's trying to rent a Hertz Rent-a-Car.
318
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,806
And the bitch was jumping over luggage.
319
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,856
And if Bruce wanna be Caitlyn,
I'm fine with that,
320
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,941
but, see, we live in America,
321
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:57,070
and we still have
the fucking freedom of speech.
322
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:00,115
I have the right to have an opinion,
the right to have a thought
323
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,951
because I live in America
and the First Amendment says
324
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,453
we have freedom of speech.
325
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,497
It's the most important Amendment.
That's right.You know why?
326
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:11,210
Yes. 'Cause I went to public school
and they didn't teach the fucking rest.
327
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,798
So, if Bruce want to be Caitlin...
You want to cut your dick off...
328
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,967
Hey, man, more pussy for me.
329
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,805
But I'm still entitled
to have my opinion, right, bro?
330
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,642
So, please, please, please...
331
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,810
Please, motherfucking please...
332
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:34,274
just stop trying to tell me
that this motherfucker is beautiful.
333
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,567
I'm sorry!
334
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:42,032
I'm sorry, okay? Look, Bruce Jenner
was a good-looking white man.
335
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:45,285
Right? But as a white woman? Shit...
336
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:50,749
I ain't seen a white chick that ugly
since me and Shawn in the fucking movie.
337
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,130
"You were thinking it!"
338
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,549
"You said it!"
339
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,684
Such a crazy time, man.
Such a crazy time in this world.
340
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,062
Fucking racism is coming back
like cocaine and skinny jeans.
341
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,272
Look at this shit here.
342
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,858
It's crazy, but you know what?
343
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,902
I don't think it's coming back everywhere.
344
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,988
I'm not going to let it come back
with me and my friends.
345
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,448
And I know a good number of people
in here ain't going to let it come back
346
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,702
with them and their friends.
We came too fucking far to allow racism
347
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,621
to break us up now.
So, we're having real conversations
348
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,747
about real issues, right?
349
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,082
For example,
350
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:35,502
my white friends want to say the n-word.
351
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,754
Yeah. And I'm like...
352
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:39,548
"Nigga, no."
353
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,721
And they're confused,
or perplexed as they call it.
354
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,640
"Why can't I say it? You say it."
355
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,019
I'm like, "Yeah. Well, I'm a nigga.
I can do that type of shit."
356
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,688
"Well, it's in all the rap songs."
357
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,898
"Yeah, guess what? Them niggas, too.
358
00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:58,984
They can say that type of shit."
359
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,278
"Well, but why can't I say it?"
360
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:02,571
I said, "Look, nigga..."
361
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:09,911
I said, "Nigger" was a word that was used
to hurt black people's feelings,
362
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,957
to demean us and make us feel less
than everybody.
363
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,170
But see, brothers,
we took that word and we transposed it.
364
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,379
We remixed it.
365
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,341
And we took our pain and we turned
that shit into positivity.
366
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:26,386
And we took the word "nigger"
and turned it into a term of endearment.
367
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:30,640
It went from, "Nigger," to, "Nigga!"
368
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:36,104
And that's a beautiful thing
that black people in our culture do.
369
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,106
It's a powerful thing that we do.
370
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,900
We did the same thing with chains.
371
00:22:39,983 --> 00:22:43,570
Chains. They was meant to enslave us,
keep us captured.
372
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,197
Keep us as slaves.
373
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:47,616
But now that shit is status quo.
374
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:50,952
What's the first thing black people do
when we get some fucking money?
375
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,497
Buy some motherfucking chains.
376
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,208
Brothers be like,
"Look at all these chains on my neck!
377
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,296
I'm getting my feet shackles bling
next week."
378
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,759
Look at what black folks did with a pig.
379
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,470
A pig. A filthy, dirty animal,
380
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,180
they gave us during slavery to eat.
381
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:12,849
Like, "You wanna eat some meat?
Well, eat this, niggers!"
382
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,935
And black people was like, "Well, okay."
383
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,688
And look at what...We tore a pig up.
384
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,109
We ate every fucking part of the pig.
385
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:27,406
If black people could eat a pig's soul,
we'd deep fry that shit.
386
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:31,493
To this day,
when a pig see a black person,
387
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:33,537
that motherfucker run off scared, like...
388
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:34,538
"Nigga, hide me.
389
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,582
No. The black folks is coming.
390
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:42,337
No. Hide me.
Please, let the white folks get me
391
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,005
'cause all they make is bacon.
392
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,758
These motherfuckers,
they eat every fucking part of me.
393
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:51,138
Look at my feet.
They took my fucking feet.
394
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:55,350
They chopped them off.
395
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,353
And they put 'em
in these fucking see-through jars.
396
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,731
And they eat the shit cold.
397
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:05,110
And they hands get sticky
and start looking like pig feet.
398
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:07,529
Look at what...
399
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:11,533
Look at what they did with my intestines.
They took my fucking intestines out!
400
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:14,202
And they clean the shit out.
401
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:17,998
All...The whole family.
The momma, the kids, the uncle,
402
00:24:18,081 --> 00:24:21,084
they clean the shit out with vinegar.
403
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:26,089
They boiled it, put some Larry's on it,
and called the shit, chitlins.
404
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,886
It stunk up the whole house
and they still ate it.
405
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:34,014
The niggas ate my ass!
406
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:36,766
Literally!
407
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,936
Look at...Man, look at my neck.
408
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,980
Look at my motherfucking neck.
409
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:43,899
Why's it like this?
410
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,693
'Cause the nigga took my neck bone,
411
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:49,529
boiled it and put it
in some fucking collard greens!"
412
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,329
That's beauty of black people,
the beauty of our culture,
413
00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:58,747
that's how we do.
414
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,501
We take our pain
and we turn it into positivity.
415
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,669
But you know...And my white friend,
you know, he was like,
416
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,546
"Well, what can I do to say it?"
417
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,881
I was like, "Motherfucker..."
418
00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,758
White people so damn persistent.
419
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:13,261
I see why y'all is successful.
You negotiate everything.
420
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,056
"Oh, well I hear your angle,
but what if...
421
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,353
I know you have a wall up,
but if I dig a tunnel up under here...
422
00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:23,104
How do I get to the n-word?"
423
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:27,734
I'm like, "Look, man, I wish there was
a protocol that I could give you, okay?
424
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:31,196
I wish there was an application
you could fill out,
425
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,324
and you could send it in
to nigga immigrations."
426
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,328
You go to niggagations
and get your fucking nigga pass.
427
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:40,413
You know what I mean?
And there's an angry brother sitting
428
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:41,915
at the desk.
He got to interview you.
429
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:43,208
He's sitting there like...
430
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:46,586
"Yeah, what you want?"
431
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,422
"I'm here to get my nigga..."
432
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,341
"You're here to get what, motherfucker?"
433
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,761
"I'm here to get my n-word pass."
434
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,429
"All right. That's better.
435
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,267
All right, well...who sent you?"
436
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:02,477
"Laq'kieché."
437
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,020
"Spell it."
438
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:13,697
"L...A...Q...apostrophe...
439
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:17,033
K...I...E...
440
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:19,119
C...H...
441
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,956
E...Accent over the E..."
442
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:25,542
"And?"
443
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,837
"And the Q is silent."
444
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,591
"My nigga! That was...
445
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,010
That was a hard one, man.
446
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,470
Hey, I want to thank you.
Now I know how to spell my wife
447
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,306
and my daughter's name.
Thank you, brother.
448
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,601
Hey, don't forget your nigga pass.
Here you go. All right, next.
449
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:46,187
All right. On The Cosby Show
when Denise made Theo
450
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,981
that designer knock-off shirt...
451
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:53,945
What was the name of the real designer
that she knocked off?
452
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,949
Goldie Gotrell! My nigga!
453
00:26:58,033 --> 00:27:00,035
Thumb imprint, nigga. Get your nigga pass.
454
00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:02,454
All right. Next!
455
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:03,622
Let's see here...
456
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,915
All right, let's see your application.
All right. Okay.
457
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:11,379
Okay. Your hobbies are eating, drinking,
smoking, and all types of ill shit.
458
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:12,339
All right.
459
00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:14,382
All right...
460
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:17,886
What's your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?"
461
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,180
"It's fruit punch. I love fruit punch."
462
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,976
"I don't know...
463
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,979
Personally, I like grape.
You know? 'Cause...
464
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:30,190
It does something funny
to a black person's mouth
465
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,942
'cause the sweet and the tangy
makes your mouth do this here...
466
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:35,445
Okay...
467
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:36,863
When making Kool-Aid...
468
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:37,822
What...
469
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:40,325
is your sugar...
470
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:41,743
to water...
471
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,286
ratio?"
472
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:53,838
"Well, that be three parts sugar,
one part water."
473
00:27:54,923 --> 00:27:57,509
"Motherfucker, what you making, milk?
474
00:27:57,592 --> 00:28:00,679
Denied! Get the fuck up out of here!
475
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:03,848
What kind of sour pucker shit you making?
476
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:05,600
Let me tell you something.
477
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,560
It's 18 parts sugar...
478
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,354
dash of water.
479
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,358
If you sip it
and don't get instant diabetes,
480
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,860
well, motherfucker, that ain't Kool-Aid.
481
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:18,446
You made Gatorade.
482
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,617
And, hey, hey. For your information...
483
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:28,039
every nigga know
the flavor ain't fruit punch.
484
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,374
The flavor is..."
485
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
Red!
486
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:31,918
Red!
487
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:39,259
So, finally I caved in
and I gave him a nigga pass.
488
00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:41,636
I gave him a nigga pass
'cause I knew him my whole life,
489
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,555
and I knew if we had beef
with other brothers,
490
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,557
he was going to have my back.
And I love him like a brother,
491
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,809
so, I was like, "Listen,
you keep this shit between me and you."
492
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:50,437
See, because a nigga pass is regional.
493
00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:54,190
You do not get a universal nigga pass.
494
00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:58,361
You gotta get your nigga passport stamped.
Every fucking new black person you meet,
495
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,363
they gotta stamp it with approval.
496
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:01,656
Because here's the thing.
497
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,576
There's only one white boy
that got a universal nigga pass.
498
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:06,745
And that is Eminem. You know why?
499
00:29:07,954 --> 00:29:12,709
'Cause Dr. Dre endorsed him.
His baby mama drama is real...
500
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:17,338
and that freestyle he did
about Donald Trump was amazing.
501
00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:26,222
So, what I'm saying is,
you can say "nigga" around yo niggas,
502
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,893
but if you think you gonna go
around some new niggas...
503
00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:32,270
and say "nigga"?
504
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,690
"Nigga!"
505
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:40,695
Now's the time
you don't want to be a nigga.
506
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,031
It's a tough time, man,
being black in America.
507
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,991
Cops are shooting niggas
like they playing a game
508
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,285
of Pokemon GO up in this motherfucker.
509
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:50,038
I'm like, "Wait, are y'all getting points
for that shit?"
510
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:53,374
But see, for black folks, man,
it's scary being black.
511
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419
When the cops are in back of me...
Something happens to you
512
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,046
when you are a black person.
513
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:01,174
You immediately...When the cops...
The lights don't gotta be on,
514
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:02,467
they just in back of you.
515
00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,677
You immediately freeze.
And you start looking
516
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,554
in the rearview mirror,
hoping they don't see you seeing them
517
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:07,847
in the rearview mirror.
518
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,558
And then you change the position
of how you seat.
519
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,102
'Cause, you know, black folks,
we drive back here.
520
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:16,439
Them cops come in back of you,
you sit up real white
521
00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:17,899
up in that motherfucker.
522
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,486
If, for a split second,
you be in your car, like,
523
00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:24,239
"Wait, did I steal this shit?"
524
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:28,952
Something has to change.
525
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,746
And I think they need a new check
and balance system.
526
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:37,001
You can't partner a potentially racist cop
with another potentially racist cop.
527
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,546
No. We need check and balance.
528
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:42,048
So, for every potentially racist cop,
529
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:47,887
we'll partner him
with a strong, black, female officer.
530
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:55,311
Yes, because sisters are firm,
but they are fair.
531
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,146
And they ain't gonna
let no injustice happen.
532
00:30:57,230 --> 00:31:00,775
That white cop get out of hand?
Oh, sister going to check his ass.
533
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:03,903
And she going to check the crook, too,
if he get out of hand. You know?
534
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,405
White cop like,
"Get the fuck out the car!
535
00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:06,447
Get the fuck out the car!"
536
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:07,991
"Hold the fuck up!
537
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:13,830
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
538
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,166
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
539
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:19,544
He is a human bein'."
540
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:21,504
"I think you meant 'being.'"
541
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:25,300
"Motherfucker, I said, 'being.'
The G is silent.
542
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,346
So goddamn sick.
543
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,348
Come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
544
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,851
You see, he turned all red in the face,
that means he's upset.
545
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,269
Come on, get up out the car."
546
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,854
"Put your fucking hands up!
547
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:39,731
Put your fucking hands
where I can see 'em!"
548
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:40,690
"See, hold up.
549
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:43,693
I 'pecifically told you...
550
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:50,700
I 'pecifically told you,
don't speak to that boy like that."
551
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:53,077
"I think you meant 'specifically.'"
552
00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:54,662
"Motherfucker, I said...
553
00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:56,289
'Pecifically.
554
00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:58,625
The S is silent.
555
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,129
Now come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
556
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:05,840
Put your hands in the air,
but don't wave 'em
557
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,425
like you just don't care."
558
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:10,511
"Oh, my God, look at...He has a gun.
Look at that thing in his pants!
559
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:12,889
I think he has a fucking gun!
It's a 12 gauge! It's huge!"
560
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:15,934
"Motherfucker, don't shoot!
That's not a gun.
561
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:18,478
It's his dick, motherfucker.
562
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,148
Yeah, move. I got this.
563
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,526
Baby, what's your fucking problem?
You know why we pulled your ass over?
564
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,695
Look at you. You got fucking saggy jeans.
565
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:30,156
You got tattoos on your face,
gold teeth in your mouth.
566
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:33,076
Where the fuck do you think you going?
You ain't going to work, motherfucker.
567
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:34,619
That's for goddamn sure.
568
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:37,580
And what's that weed smell?
Gimme that shit!
569
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:40,750
Oh, that's that raspberry yum-yum.
We going to have to keep this.
570
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:44,587
Confiscate this for evidence.
Okay, everything's good here."
571
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,339
"No. I want to ask him some..."
572
00:32:46,422 --> 00:32:48,091
"Motherfucker, don't axe him shit.
573
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:49,592
I'll axe the questions."
574
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:54,722
"Oh, my God, Lacricia,
it's not 'axe,' it's 'ask.'"
575
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:59,769
"Motherfucker, I said axe.
The S is silent.
576
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:02,689
Now get your ass up in the car.
577
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,191
And my name ain't Lacricia,
it's Laq'kieché.
578
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:06,818
The Q is silent.
579
00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:10,738
Now, come on. Let's go get some breakfax."
580
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,578
It's just a crazy time, man.
581
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:19,998
Now, you see,
I'm passionate about this shit,
582
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:21,749
'cause I'm a father.
583
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:25,086
I have two beautiful, teenage kids.
584
00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,213
Beautiful, black children.
585
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,008
You see, I get concerned
when they leave my house that...
586
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:31,676
they may not come home
587
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:34,804
because of the shit that's popping off,
and I just can't have that.
588
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:35,888
I just can't.
589
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,891
And see, I don't care if you're black,
I don't care if you're white,
590
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,685
I don't care if you're Middle Eastern.
591
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:43,271
I don't care if you're Asian,
I don't care if you're a little person,
592
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:45,857
'cause little people got babies, too.
They just real little.
593
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,737
No parent should be strapped
with the anxiety of,
594
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,281
"Is my child going to be safe?"
595
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:58,786
But see, they tell us as...
They tell us, as black folks
596
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,997
that we need to have "the talk"
597
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:01,914
with our children.
598
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:02,832
You hear about this?
599
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:03,875
"The talk."
600
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,711
It's when you sit your children down
and you explain to them
601
00:34:06,794 --> 00:34:08,504
how to respond respectfully
602
00:34:08,588 --> 00:34:10,465
when law enforcement pulls them over.
603
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,300
And see, I'm down for that.
604
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,635
And I think that's the responsible thing
to do as a parent.
605
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,846
You sit your children down,
you tell them to be respectful
606
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:18,389
to our law enforcement.
607
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,851
So, see, I tried
to have "the talk" with my kids...
608
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:23,311
And you know...
609
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:25,480
halfway through the talk
610
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:28,524
I sound like an old, scared slave
611
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,111
that didn't know he had his freedom.
612
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:35,114
I was talking to my kids, I was like,
"Baby, if the cops pull you over,
613
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,825
you hush your mouth,
and now don't you sass me, boy!
614
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,037
Don't you sass me now, boy!
615
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,956
The cops pull you over,
I want you to hold your head down
616
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:44,874
in humility.
617
00:34:44,957 --> 00:34:47,627
And you just rock back and forth, he goes,
'You know why I pulled you over?'
618
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:51,214
I want you to smile!
Show all 36 of your teeth.
619
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:56,177
He goes, 'You know why I pulled you over?'
Go, 'No, suh, but I sure do trust ya!'
620
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:01,015
And he goes, 'You wise-mouthing me?'
Go, 'No, suh, I'd never do such a thing,
621
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:01,933
Mr. Bossman.'
622
00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:04,977
Yeah, so you use all kinda surnames.
See, the white ego love that.
623
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,606
'No, suh, Mr. Bossman, master-man, suh,
I'd never do such a thing.'
624
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:10,858
Then he goes,
'You want me to read you your rights?'
625
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820
You best to stay humble.
You say, 'Yes, suh, please do.
626
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,572
Well, you know I can't read.'"
627
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:24,163
I get upset. You know why I get upset?
Because I get jealous.
628
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,749
I get jealous because I got white friends
629
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:29,043
and I've been pulled over
with my white friends
630
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,672
and what I've found
is that white people are not afraid
631
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:33,798
of the police.
632
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:35,508
Black people are.
633
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:37,135
'Cause when we got pulled over,
634
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:40,304
my white friend
cursed the fucking police out.
635
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:45,059
He cursed the police out so bad,
I thought he pulled the cop over.
636
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980
I swear to God,
he was going to write the cop a ticket.
637
00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:51,482
I was hiding in the glovebox, like,
"Nigga, he gonna get shot
638
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,775
sooner or later."
639
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:58,322
Because here's the talk
that white people have with their kids.
640
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:01,951
"If the cops pull you over,
I want you to say, 'Hey, bucko!
641
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:06,789
You better have a goddamn,
good reason why.'
642
00:36:07,790 --> 00:36:09,458
Yeah, if he starts
to mouth off to you, say,
643
00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,587
'Hey, hey! Hey, buddy.
You watch your freaking mouth.
644
00:36:12,670 --> 00:36:16,215
You watch your freaking mouth.
I pay my taxes.
645
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:19,594
Yeah, so that means you work for me.'
646
00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:22,305
Yeah, if he keeps it up and he reaches
for his pepper spray, you're like,
647
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:24,098
'I fucking dare ya. I fucking dare ya.
648
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,225
I double dog dare ya.
649
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:29,854
Go ahead. Spray me right
in my blue eye and make it red.
650
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:34,483
Yeah, 'cause I'll have my lawyer
so far up your asshole,
651
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:36,944
you'll need a goddamn gerbil
to get him out.'
652
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:43,201
Then, he says one more smart thing,
one more smart thing,
653
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:46,037
I want you to grab his pen and go,
'That's it!
654
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:49,290
I'm going to write a letter.
655
00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:54,253
'Dear Mr. President Trump...'"
656
00:36:56,505 --> 00:36:57,381
Fucking Trump.
657
00:36:57,465 --> 00:37:00,092
What an interesting year it has been,
huh, people?
658
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:04,513
"Dear white folks and Trump supporters,
please fasten your seat belt,
659
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,850
it's going to get a little turbulent
in here for about 5 minutes.
660
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:11,562
So, strap it in and enjoy the ride.
We'll be out of here in no time."
661
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,521
Okay, Trump.
662
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,732
This is the craziest shit I've ever seen.
663
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:15,650
I...It's...
664
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:18,194
Maybe it's his reality show background.
665
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:19,278
But...
666
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,990
he's turned the White House
into a reality show.
667
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:27,703
I swear, I find myself watching politics
the way women watch reality shows.
668
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:30,122
I'm like, "Girl, did you see
what happened today?"
669
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,290
"No, what?"
670
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,334
"Girl, sit down.
671
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:37,797
Your boy Trump is tripping again."
672
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:38,923
"What happened?"
673
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:41,676
"Well, first of all,
he fired Sean Spicer."
674
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,761
"He fired Sean Spicer? Why?"
675
00:37:43,844 --> 00:37:44,971
"I don't know.
676
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,269
But he hired this cockeyed bitch,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
677
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,436
Let me tell you something,
678
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,356
that cockeyed bitch
don't be answering nobody questions.
679
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:59,318
Ooh, that cockeyed heifer got attitude.
She be like, 'What the fuck do you want?
680
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:00,903
Hurry the fuck up.
681
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:03,030
I got an eye doctor appointment.
682
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:04,824
I ain't got time for this shit.
683
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:08,244
You want a straight answer?
Give me a straight eye, motherfucker.'
684
00:38:09,829 --> 00:38:14,041
Girl, do you know the plot is thickening?
You see what's happening over in Russia?"
685
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:15,334
"I know."
686
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,502
"Girl, you know what that is?
687
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:20,673
I think Putin got pictures of Trump
doing some sexy shit
688
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,717
with some Russian prostitutes."
689
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,010
"Girl, why do you say that?"
690
00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:26,053
"Girl, watch the First Lady.
691
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:29,598
Every time Trump try to grab Melania hand,
692
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:30,891
what does she be doing?
693
00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,602
She be like, 'Get the fuck up...
Get the fuck up off me!
694
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,438
Get the fuck up off me!
695
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:38,691
You pussy-grabby motherfucker,
get the fuck up off me!
696
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:45,614
Go sleep your ass in the Oval Office.
697
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,992
You ain't getting no
First Lady Koochie tonight.'
698
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,120
"Girl, do you know he fired Comey?"
699
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,581
"The FBI director? Why?"
700
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:55,166
"I don't know.
701
00:38:56,751 --> 00:38:59,253
But they said some shit about collusion.
702
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,256
Now, see, I don't know
what the fuck that mean...
703
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:07,303
but it sounds shady as fuck to me."
704
00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:11,932
This is a historical time
in the history of our country,
705
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,184
a historical time.
706
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,645
'Cause this is the first time
I ever seen white people...
707
00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:19,648
embarrassed by another white person.
708
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,692
This shit is crazy!
709
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:26,822
'Cause the beauty of white people
is white people love white people.
710
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:29,367
And they support each other,
no matter how talented
711
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:31,952
or untalented they are,
they have each other's back.
712
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,955
How the fuck you think Vanilla Ice
went multi-platinum?
713
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:38,918
But with Trump,
every time he says some stupid shit,
714
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,252
some embarrassing shit,
715
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:43,005
I see white people put their head
in their hand embarrassed,
716
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,840
like, "Jesus Christ...
717
00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,135
This nigga! Gosh!
718
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:52,848
God, I wish I was black today.
719
00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:56,727
I'll take the police beatings.
I'll take the debt.
720
00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:59,063
I'll take the half hour late
for everything.
721
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:02,525
I'll even take the ashy shit
that formulates right here.
722
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,697
I don't know what the fuck it is,
but when it gets 55 degrees and lower,
723
00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:10,950
they all get real ashy right here.
724
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:14,245
It looks like Spider-Man hit 'em
with a little web, like...
725
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,749
Just somebody shut him the fuck up."
726
00:40:20,918 --> 00:40:23,671
Every race has somebody
that we're embarrassed by, okay?
727
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:26,715
Every race.
That's what makes us all the same.
728
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,593
Every race got somebody
that we are embarrassed by.
729
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:34,640
So, yes, Donald Trump is embarrassing
to white people, okay?
730
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,475
So, Donald Trump...
731
00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:38,978
is the Flavor Flav...
732
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,568
of white people.
733
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:49,864
But I look at all that's going on today,
and you know what I say?
734
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,907
I say, "I am happy for Barack."
735
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:54,952
I am so happy for Barack, man.
That he's so...
736
00:40:55,077 --> 00:40:56,495
I'm so happy he's out of office.
737
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,706
He look happy. He looks so happy.
738
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:04,462
Because the presidency is stressful.
739
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:07,214
Remember when he first came into office?
He looked all young.
740
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,050
Looked good in a suit, right?
Had that black hair,
741
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:11,427
golden brown skin.
742
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,596
He looked like Denzel Washington.
743
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:18,142
8 years of fighting with Republicans,
he got all old and gray.
744
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:20,311
Fucking moles on his face.
745
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,647
By the end, that nigga looked
like Morgan Freeman.
746
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:36,952
By the end, Barack looked like he was,
so tired of taking the Republican shit.
747
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:39,205
Right? He was like,
"Fuck this bipartisan shit."
748
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,332
He looked like he just wanted
to curse motherfuckers out.
749
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:43,417
His last speech,
he looked like he just wanted to go,
750
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:49,089
"Fuck you. Suck my dick.
Lick ass, America. Barack is out, bitch!
751
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:59,475
You can take your flag
and shove it up your goddamn ass.
752
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:01,894
That's right. I set up my retirement.
753
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:04,980
I'm moving to Seattle,
where I legalized weed.
754
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,651
And guess what?
I'm going to smoke my lips black again.
755
00:42:08,734 --> 00:42:09,818
That's what I'm going to do.
756
00:42:11,862 --> 00:42:14,240
I'm dropping an album
with Jay-Z and Beyonce.
757
00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:17,743
It's called Head Niggas in Charge.
758
00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:22,164
I got my own clothing line, Barackawear.
759
00:42:23,457 --> 00:42:26,418
You can get it at Macy's,
right next to Sean John and Rocawear.
760
00:42:27,461 --> 00:42:30,297
Be sure to pick up my new cologne,
Potus Number 44.
761
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,009
Not to be confused with Number 45.
762
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:35,928
That shit stinks.
763
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:44,895
I just signed a lucrative deal
with Ciroc Liquor and Sean Diddy Combs.
764
00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:46,897
That's right, I'm a Ciroc boy.
765
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:51,068
So, come drink Ciroc
with your boy Barack."
766
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,203
You know, I was sitting there
watching Barack.
767
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:02,913
Man, that shit is stressful, man.
768
00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:05,499
That shit was stressful.
I mean, they fucking heckled him.
769
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,042
They heckled the president.
770
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:08,419
You ain't got to like him,
771
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:09,920
but shit,
you should respect him,
772
00:43:10,004 --> 00:43:11,130
he's the president.
773
00:43:11,338 --> 00:43:14,842
And the man was giving a speech
about healthcare,
774
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,510
which is important to him.
775
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,637
Because he knew,
once his black ass was out of office,
776
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:20,514
he probably wasn't gonna have none.
777
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:22,808
And he was giving an impassioned speech,
778
00:43:22,891 --> 00:43:24,893
"We need healthcare for every American,
779
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,895
and we should be fastidious
with that healthcare."
780
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:29,440
And a Republican screamed out, "You lie!"
781
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:32,151
In the middle of his speech.
782
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:36,614
See, now, I know Barack Obama's
our first black president, right?
783
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,282
But if that was me...
784
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,118
and the motherfucker screamed out
in the middle of my speech.
785
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:46,707
See, that's when the world's going
to see the first nigga president.
786
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:50,002
I'd lose my fucking mind.
I'd be like, "We need healthcare
787
00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:51,920
for every American
and we should be fastidious with that..."
788
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:52,838
"You lie!"
789
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,593
"Who the fuck said that shit?
790
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,682
Who the fuck said that shit?
791
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:07,686
Hey, yo, Biden! Nigga, Biden, we got beef!
792
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:17,029
Hillary, get the fuck off me.
Hillary, get the fuck up off of me!
793
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:19,865
Nah, I ain't Bill. I don't play that shit.
794
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:22,618
Yo, Michelle. Handle that bitch.
795
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:26,163
I'm from Hawaii, motherfucker!
796
00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:29,667
What? I got nukes motherfucker!
797
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,254
Do we have a problem?
798
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:36,006
I said...
799
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:40,052
Do...we...have...a...problem?
800
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,057
See, I want to take this time
to explain to white people...
801
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:48,435
what Barack Obama meant to black people.
802
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,647
See, we didn't like Barack
because he was black.
803
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,774
Okay, maybe we did,
but that's not the point.
804
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:56,819
It was part of it, okay, but...
805
00:44:57,069 --> 00:45:01,407
We liked Barack because he was good
and he represented something for us.
806
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,992
He symbolized something for black people.
807
00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:06,495
See, Barack Obama winning the presidency,
808
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:07,871
symbolized...
809
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:09,623
for black people...
810
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:14,878
the first time in the history
of us being in this country...
811
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,172
that we felt like we won.
812
00:45:17,923 --> 00:45:21,385
After all we've been through.
Segregation, civil rights, slavery.
813
00:45:23,637 --> 00:45:25,931
And Barack Obama winning the presidency,
814
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:29,309
was the first time we,
as black people,
815
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:31,353
felt like we won.
816
00:45:34,314 --> 00:45:36,358
See, that and the OJ trial.
But see, we...
817
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:37,276
we...
818
00:45:37,943 --> 00:45:40,863
we knew that nigga did it!
Oh, we knew that nigga did it!
819
00:45:40,946 --> 00:45:43,699
Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
820
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:47,286
He killed them poor white people.
I'm so fucking sorry!
821
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:48,871
He ain't shit!
822
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:51,749
He ain't shit. That motherfucker!
823
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:54,835
He killed them poor white...
He killed that little boy, too!
824
00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:56,044
He killed his ass!
825
00:45:56,211 --> 00:45:57,963
All that little boy wanted was some pussy!
826
00:45:58,046 --> 00:45:59,047
That's all.
827
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,225
We just wanted to win.
828
00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:13,353
We just wanted to win.
829
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:18,984
And when Barack won,
I cried, my kids cried, my momma cried.
830
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:22,112
Every black person cried
because you know what?
831
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:25,574
We felt like a bunch of slaves
on a plantation
832
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:28,118
that watched one brother get his freedom.
833
00:46:28,243 --> 00:46:30,954
We was like, "You better run, Barack!
834
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:35,167
You better run!"
835
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:40,297
♪ Whoa, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪
836
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:54,770
I need some water.
837
00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:58,690
Before I overheat like Wendy Williams.
838
00:47:13,205 --> 00:47:14,873
It looked like God was fucking with her.
839
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,125
Like,
"All them people you talk shit about.
840
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,754
I'm fucking with you now.
Sit yo' ass..."
841
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:31,682
You know what's crazy, man?
842
00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,017
Is, if I had one wish.
843
00:47:34,518 --> 00:47:36,812
I wish that we can erase hate.
844
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:39,857
Because hate...hate...
845
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:41,817
It's killing us as people.
846
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:47,656
How do you erase hate, man?
Because hate creates racism.
847
00:47:47,739 --> 00:47:49,908
Hate creates fear.
848
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:51,451
It creates prejudice.
849
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,497
And now it's going from racism
and it's transforming.
850
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:57,249
And now we have gaycism.
851
00:47:57,332 --> 00:48:00,961
We have people hating on people
because of their sexuality.
852
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:04,673
Come on, people. How small-hearted are we?
What the fuck is going on?
853
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,886
I don't think you judge a man
for his race, his creed, his color,
854
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,346
their religion,
their political background,
855
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:13,348
their financial status,
856
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:14,766
their sexuality,
857
00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:17,728
the diameter of their asshole,
who gives a fuck?
858
00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:22,107
Here's my take on gay people.
859
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,442
Let's keep it real.
860
00:48:23,817 --> 00:48:25,110
Do you!
861
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:27,946
Do you!
862
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:31,116
Just don't do me!
863
00:48:36,705 --> 00:48:38,874
You know what I think gay people need,
that really want they equality?
864
00:48:38,957 --> 00:48:40,459
That really want they civil rights?
865
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:43,378
I think they need
a gay civil rights leader.
866
00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:46,048
Yeah. They need,
like, a Martin Luther King...
867
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,216
but a gay one.
868
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,804
They need Martin Luther Queen.
869
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:58,685
You know, Martin Luther Queen come out.
He's a dignified brother, right?
870
00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,395
He got on a suit and tie.
871
00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:03,649
But he got this shit turned up right here,
like, "Hi...
872
00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,234
Hi..."
873
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:12,157
He got his own personalized microphone.
It got little balls on it.
874
00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:18,914
And he comes out and he does his version
of the famous "I had a dream" speech,
875
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:19,831
but the gay version.
876
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:20,916
He's like...
877
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,844
"I...
878
00:49:32,928 --> 00:49:35,555
had a dream...
879
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:36,974
girl.
880
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:40,978
I had a dream...
881
00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:43,063
that one day, one day...
882
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,148
black boys...Hey...
883
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:50,445
Little white boys...
884
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,824
I help you with the swirl. Hey...
885
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,868
Little Hispanic boys...
886
00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,204
Or as I like to call you, papitos.
887
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,207
Hey...
888
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:04,710
Hey, papitos.
889
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:12,843
I had a dream...
890
00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:16,847
that we could all sit
at a table as a group of brethren.
891
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,934
Just brethren. No fish allowed. Pew.
892
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:23,937
Pew.
893
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:31,445
I had a dream that we can have
the same marital rights as straights do.
894
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,781
Yes, that gays can get married. Hey...
895
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:37,242
Gays can get divorced. Ya...
896
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,454
And we can take half
of somebody else's shit
897
00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,664
that don't deserve it. Hey...
898
00:50:43,665 --> 00:50:45,751
Yas...
899
00:50:49,629 --> 00:50:51,757
I had a dream...
900
00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:56,970
that we could fight side by side
in the military...
901
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,306
with our brothers
902
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:01,767
in the foxholes...
903
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:05,187
Way deep...
904
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:09,357
in them little foxholes.
905
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:14,654
We all nuzzled together
inside those little foxholes...
906
00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,952
'Scuse me.
This dream just got a little bit wet.
907
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,879
I had a dream...
908
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,134
I had a dream that we could change
our small-minded military slogan
909
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,345
from 'don't ask, don't tell,'
910
00:51:38,595 --> 00:51:41,264
but to, 'who cares,
mind your fucking business.'
911
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:46,353
So, let us all join hands,
you let us all join hands,
912
00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:47,813
and you let freedom ring.
913
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,358
You let freedom ring through the chilly,
gay streets of San Francisco.
914
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:53,151
You let freedom ring
915
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:55,821
through the dirty streets
of New York City,
916
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:58,740
filled with all them cute,
little Hispanic boys.
917
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:04,329
I see you, Jose and Juan,
and I raise you a Julio.
918
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:09,626
You let freedom ring,
you let freedom ring
919
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:12,921
through the segregated bathrooms
of North Carolina.
920
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:16,216
Who cares if you're transgender
or if you're a female,
921
00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:19,594
as long as you don't piss all
over the toilet seats.
922
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:22,848
And you wipe front to back.
923
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:27,435
Or is it back to front?
924
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:29,896
- Front to back?
- Yeah.
925
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:32,399
Front to back, yes.
The other way is a little bit messy.
926
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:38,071
You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring
927
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:41,867
through the dark closets
of Hollywood, California.
928
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:45,453
Those dark closets,
hiding all the scared, little boys
929
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:48,498
who's afraid to come out,
afraid to be bullied,
930
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:52,252
afraid to be judged,
afraid not to be accepted...
931
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:56,006
afraid to be touched by Kevin Spacey.
932
00:52:58,592 --> 00:52:59,593
Too soon?
933
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,889
That's what the little boy said.
934
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:11,563
And you let us all join hands
and let us all sing the old, gay anthem.
935
00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:14,858
Free that ass, free that ass,
936
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,486
thank God all mighty,
we done freed that ass."
937
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:27,329
See, this shit that I'm preaching,
I'm not just preaching,
938
00:53:27,412 --> 00:53:28,455
I'm living.
939
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:30,457
And I'm trying to grow
and I'm trying to evolve.
940
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,710
And I'm trying and that shit is hard
for people to digest.
941
00:53:33,793 --> 00:53:36,004
Hard for any human being to digest.
942
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:40,550
But when it comes home to your house,
that's when shit changes, man.
943
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:41,635
See, me...
944
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:43,637
I'mma tell y'all a real story, okay?
945
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:44,679
Real story.
946
00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:47,807
My daughter came to me at 15 years old.
947
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:48,975
She's 17 now.
948
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:52,145
Wonderful girl. She comes to me,
she goes, "Dad...
949
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,898
I kissed a girl...
950
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:56,900
and I think I liked it."
951
00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,278
And I said, "Oh, shit, bitch.
That...What the..."
952
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,157
No, 'cause
that's my little nickname for her.
953
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,867
She little bitch. I'm a big bitch.
954
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:08,620
I got the little t-shirts,
"Big bitch, little bitch."
955
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,957
But you know,
when she first hit me with the news,
956
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:13,541
I was like, "That's how you gonna
break the news to me?
957
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:15,210
You gonna tell me in the form of a song?
958
00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:17,337
♪ I kissed a girl
And I think I liked it? ♪
959
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:18,797
Is that the new shit kids are doing?
960
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:20,090
"Hey, Dad, I'm fucking up at school."
961
00:54:20,173 --> 00:54:21,007
"What happened?"
962
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:23,218
♪ I fucked up the commas
I fucked up the commas, yeah ♪
963
00:54:25,136 --> 00:54:27,138
So I said, you know, I said,
"Okay, baby girl."
964
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:30,934
I said, "Well, you know,
this is your first sexual experience.
965
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:31,893
Right?
966
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:33,979
Hey, nigga, right?"
967
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,732
She said, "Umm...yeah.
It's my first sexual...
968
00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:41,695
I said, "Man, that sounds shady
as fuck to me."
969
00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:45,865
I said, "Listen, baby girl."
I said, "You're 15 years old.
970
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:50,578
You are entitled to experience things
and find your way.
971
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,747
You know, you're a young kid and,
you know, who knows,
972
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,457
when you go to college,
you know, you may feel differently."
973
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,501
And she stopped me. She said, "Dad...
974
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:59,004
but what if I'm gay?"
975
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:01,923
And I said...
976
00:55:04,342 --> 00:55:05,844
"Well, baby girl," I said...
977
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:08,930
"If you are gay,
978
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:12,183
and this is the life that you chose,
979
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:15,270
or better yet, the life that chose you.
980
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,274
Understand, you got
a tough road ahead of you.
981
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,860
See, the world...
982
00:55:23,194 --> 00:55:24,195
may judge you.
983
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:26,406
Some people will...
984
00:55:27,365 --> 00:55:28,491
outcast you.
985
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:30,910
Some people gonna look at you funny.
986
00:55:31,369 --> 00:55:33,621
Others will never accept you.
987
00:55:34,539 --> 00:55:37,000
You are a quadruple minority.
988
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:41,046
You are a female, gay, black Wayans.
989
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:45,550
That's a tough, fucking life."
990
00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:47,135
But I said,
991
00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:49,929
"That's out there.
They're going to judge you.
992
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:53,767
But, baby girl,
when you walk into this home."
993
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,144
I said, "You're gonna get nothing
but love,
994
00:55:56,936 --> 00:55:57,771
respect,
995
00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:01,024
and unconditional embraces
from me 'cause I love you."
996
00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:09,199
But you got to try a dick, right?
997
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:12,494
You got to...
998
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:14,829
You got to try a dick, right?
999
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,124
Just a, you know, one dick.
Like, you know, just accidentally,
1000
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:19,042
like fall...
1001
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:22,253
Or just let a dick hit you in the head.
1002
00:56:23,004 --> 00:56:26,257
Look, girl, you got to try the dick,
you know?
1003
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:29,260
Like, not right now
'cause you're only 15 years old,
1004
00:56:29,344 --> 00:56:31,805
but when you get,
like 17, 18...Prom night.
1005
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:33,181
Try a dick!
1006
00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:37,977
And don't try a 17-year-old dick
'cause that's going to be quick and bad
1007
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:40,188
and you may be like,
"Fuck him. Bitches for life."
1008
00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:44,734
Go get you a nice, seasoned dick.
1009
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:48,363
You know? Go get you a nice,
22-year-old grad school dick.
1010
00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:50,323
You know what I mean?
Somebody that had a couple
1011
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,950
of ill-advised pregnancies,
1012
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:53,535
so his pull out game is good.
1013
00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:55,537
Keeps some Plan B in his pocket.
1014
00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:57,997
You know? Probably had a couple
of diseases already.
1015
00:56:58,081 --> 00:56:59,332
You know, it was cleared up,
1016
00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:01,126
but he's still got the bottle
of penicillin
1017
00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:03,711
'cause who ever finishes
all the penicillin, right?
1018
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:06,923
But you got to try a dick,
and don't get no little,
1019
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,884
stabby dick that feel
like a number two pencil you fucking.
1020
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,761
And don't get no super, girthy dick
1021
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,431
that look like
a goddamn Loch Ness Monster,
1022
00:57:14,514 --> 00:57:16,391
that be breathing on its own.
1023
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,269
It's so big,
it feels like you're giving labor pains.
1024
00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:22,439
Every time you having sex with it,
it feels like you need an episiotomy
1025
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,899
and an epidural
in order to enjoy the shit.
1026
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:28,570
And don't get no little, weird,
uncircumcised dick. Don't get no...
1027
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:35,368
One of them dick
that look like an anteater
1028
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,203
or a Mr. Snuffleupagus.
1029
00:57:37,912 --> 00:57:42,208
And when you pull the skin back,
its all full of lint and cheese.
1030
00:57:44,043 --> 00:57:45,420
And it smell funny.
1031
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:49,340
Like an old gym sock that's been left
in a locker room for two or three days.
1032
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,176
And when you taste it,
it tastes bad,
1033
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:53,178
like a bad shot of tequila.
1034
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:55,597
You need some salt and a lime,
1035
00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:58,641
in order to get the fucking,
nasty-ass taste out your mouth.
1036
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:00,393
You got to try a dick.
1037
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,691
And I'mma tell you something,
when my daughter...
1038
00:58:06,774 --> 00:58:08,318
My daughter dated this girl,
1039
00:58:08,818 --> 00:58:11,404
and she wound up getting
a little heartbroken.
1040
00:58:12,030 --> 00:58:12,864
And...
1041
00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:15,658
it was hard because, you know,
this was a little white girl, too,
1042
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,827
so she gave me a two for one, right?
1043
00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:22,499
But when your child is crying
on your shoulder
1044
00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:25,668
about some real tears,
about shit that's going on in her life.
1045
00:58:25,835 --> 00:58:29,464
It's not on me to judge her,
it's on me to love her.
1046
00:58:29,547 --> 00:58:33,468
So, I grabbed my baby, and I hugged her,
and let her know it was going to be okay.
1047
00:58:33,551 --> 00:58:35,970
And she was crying and snotting
on my brand new Gucci shirt,
1048
00:58:36,054 --> 00:58:38,056
I was mad about that,
but I was like fuck it.
1049
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:40,683
I tried to console her
the best way I knew how.
1050
00:58:41,309 --> 00:58:44,395
You know, through the form of a song.
I said, "Hey, baby girl, you know...
1051
00:58:45,730 --> 00:58:47,941
♪ Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks♪
1052
00:58:52,820 --> 00:58:54,072
But my son, right?
1053
00:58:54,155 --> 00:58:56,783
My son's getting older, man.
And he's so handsome.
1054
00:58:56,866 --> 00:58:59,827
You ever look at your kid, like,
"Nigga, look at how beautiful you are.
1055
00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,580
Look at my sperm.
Look at how beautiful you are."
1056
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,750
I look at him, I shook my head,
I was like, "Nigga...you 15..."
1057
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:07,794
I looked at him,
"Listen, man, you gonna get so much pussy
1058
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:09,045
when you get older."
1059
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,757
And I looked over at my daughter, I said,
"Don't worry, baby girl, you, too."
1060
00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:18,388
I know he's getting bigger, man,
you know, 'cause he keep coming up to me,
1061
00:59:18,471 --> 00:59:22,767
you know, and seeing how tall he is on me.
He be measuring, like, "Hey, Dad, look.
1062
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:23,977
I'm almost your height."
1063
00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,771
I'll be looking at him, like,
"Nigga, I'll fuck you up."
1064
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,858
No, no, no. See, 'cause little boys,
they wanna test they daddies.
1065
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,444
See, that's the threshold
for a boy into his manhood.
1066
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,488
It's: can I whoop my daddy's ass?
1067
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:36,864
That makes you a man.
1068
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,449
See, but I'm prepared for that shit.
1069
00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:41,119
That's why I never sent his ass to karate.
1070
00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:44,789
But see, little boys are going
to test they father.
1071
00:59:44,872 --> 00:59:48,042
And as a dad, all you want
to see is your child be great.
1072
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:52,463
That's all you want,
to see your child be their greatest them.
1073
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,758
And so my son, he was playing basketball,
and he's a great basketball player.
1074
00:59:55,842 --> 01:00:00,597
Yeah, he's so good.
And he was playing not so good one game.
1075
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:03,141
And as a sports fan,
I did what I normally do
1076
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:04,559
to a team that's sucking.
1077
01:00:04,642 --> 01:00:05,893
I heckled his ass.
1078
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:07,312
"Hey, nigga, you suck!"
1079
01:00:07,395 --> 01:00:09,647
I'm like, "Hey, hey. What you doing?"
1080
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:12,900
He goes, "Dad, listen,
I can't play great every night."
1081
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:15,820
I said, "Motherfucker,"
1082
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,406
That's my little nickname for him.
1083
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,783
He little motherfucker,
I'm big motherfucker.
1084
01:00:20,867 --> 01:00:23,536
I got t-shirts,
"Big motherfucker, little motherfucker."
1085
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:24,621
And, so my son...
1086
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,331
I said,
"You can't play great every night?"
1087
01:00:26,414 --> 01:00:30,418
I said, "Boy, if I didn't play great
every night, you wouldn't have food,
1088
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:33,046
and nutrition in your stomach
to be able to run up
1089
01:00:33,129 --> 01:00:35,548
and down this goddamn basketball court.
1090
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:38,301
If I didn't play great every night,
you wouldn't have no goddamn,
1091
01:00:38,384 --> 01:00:39,636
good sneakers on your feet
1092
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:40,803
that make this noise,
1093
01:00:42,972 --> 01:00:46,768
so that you can play some damn defense,
of which your ass ain't playing."
1094
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:51,147
He goes, "But, Dad, come on,
this is basketball. It ain't work."
1095
01:00:51,230 --> 01:00:54,817
I said, "Motherfucker, life is work."
1096
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:57,737
I said, "I've been working
since I was six years old, man.
1097
01:00:57,820 --> 01:00:59,280
What do you think I'm doing
out here on the road?
1098
01:00:59,364 --> 01:01:04,327
I write, I produce, I act, I do movies,
I do TV, I do standup."
1099
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:07,413
I said, "If I was a slave,
they'd give me a fucking raise.
1100
01:01:08,706 --> 01:01:10,583
So, don't give me that,
'Dad, it's not work.'
1101
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:11,834
No, work starts now.
1102
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:14,003
You are a young man. Learn to work.
1103
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,673
And let me tell you something, boy.
You got two jobs.
1104
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,216
You got two jobs.
1105
01:01:18,299 --> 01:01:19,217
You got...
1106
01:01:19,509 --> 01:01:20,426
school.
1107
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:22,053
And you got basketball.
1108
01:01:22,804 --> 01:01:24,138
Well, let me tell you something,
motherfucker,
1109
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:25,890
you fucking up in school.
1110
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:30,645
So, the least your stupid ass can do
is go out there
1111
01:01:30,728 --> 01:01:32,480
and play some goddamn basketball."
1112
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:36,734
And my son got up all tough, like,
1113
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:37,652
"I said."
1114
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,407
He looked at me, he walked away,
balled his fists.
1115
01:01:42,490 --> 01:01:43,908
I said, "What, Shawn?"
I said, "What?"
1116
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:45,660
I said, "What, Shawn?
You wanna curse at me?
1117
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:46,828
He said...
1118
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:49,539
I said, "You wanna curse at me?
I'll tell you what.
1119
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:52,041
You go out there and you score 40 points.
1120
01:01:52,125 --> 01:01:54,252
You can come back here,
you can look me in my face and go,
1121
01:01:54,335 --> 01:01:56,129
'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1122
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:58,965
I ain't talking about no little,
soft 'fuck you.'
1123
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:00,717
I want you to look me in my eyes,
1124
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,636
I want that Daffy Duck,
'you're despicable' spit
1125
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:05,138
all over my face.
1126
01:02:05,221 --> 01:02:07,098
I want your bottom lip
to hit your chest
1127
01:02:07,181 --> 01:02:09,726
when you go, 'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1128
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:11,644
He said, "A'ight."
1129
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:12,562
I said, "Yeah, a'ight."
1130
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:13,521
He said, "A'ight."
1131
01:02:13,604 --> 01:02:14,856
I said, "Yeah, nigga, a'ight."
1132
01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:22,113
Do you know that in a matter
of 14 minutes and 58 seconds,
1133
01:02:22,196 --> 01:02:25,491
this boy went out there
and scored 38 points?
1134
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:28,327
I have never seen no shit like this.
1135
01:02:29,078 --> 01:02:31,956
He played so good, I was like,
I want a DNA test.
1136
01:02:32,415 --> 01:02:34,751
Steph Curry come get your fucking baby.
1137
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:37,128
He played amazing.
1138
01:02:37,211 --> 01:02:39,380
And he gets fouled.
He brought his team back
1139
01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:41,215
from a 30 point deficit.
1140
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:42,592
He gets fouled.
1141
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:44,635
There's two seconds left on the clock.
1142
01:02:44,719 --> 01:02:45,928
He goes to the line.
1143
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:47,764
He has 38 points.
1144
01:02:52,518 --> 01:02:53,478
39.
1145
01:02:55,354 --> 01:02:56,272
They're down one.
1146
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:00,610
He looks at me.
1147
01:03:10,244 --> 01:03:12,747
He closes his eyes,
little, cocky motherfucker.
1148
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:16,834
The perfect precision.
1149
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:37,897
He misses the shot.
1150
01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,066
Clock goes off.
1151
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:44,028
They lose by one. I am so happy.
1152
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:49,992
I'm not happy because he missed the shot.
1153
01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,621
I was happy, man, because as a father,
1154
01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:56,582
that I seen the greatness in my child.
1155
01:03:57,333 --> 01:04:00,461
That I seen the great
that I knew he could be since birth.
1156
01:04:00,545 --> 01:04:02,463
That we're raising kings and queens,
1157
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:04,882
and they're better than us.
They love harder, they live harder,
1158
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:06,676
they're better than us.
1159
01:04:06,759 --> 01:04:08,678
And you know something beautiful y'all?
1160
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:13,266
That my kids have never
been called a nigger in their life.
1161
01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,479
Except for by me,
but see I got a nigga pass,
1162
01:04:18,563 --> 01:04:20,064
I can do that type of shit.
1163
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,901
And so my son, I was so proud.
I went over to him...
1164
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:25,695
And I just couldn't hold back
my excitement.
1165
01:04:25,778 --> 01:04:27,905
I said, "See, now
that's how you 'posed to shoot.
1166
01:04:27,989 --> 01:04:29,740
I felt like Will Smith in Bad Boys.
1167
01:04:29,824 --> 01:04:32,326
I was like,
"That's how you 'posed to shoot!
1168
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:34,620
That's how you 'posed to shoot!"
1169
01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,665
But I said, "Son,
why didn't you score 40?"
1170
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,417
He looked at me, said...
1171
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:45,381
"Because I didn't want
to say 'fuck you' to you, Dad."
1172
01:04:49,218 --> 01:04:51,637
I said, "You stupid motherfucker.
1173
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,556
You lost the goddamn game."
1174
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:55,349
I love y'all! Thank y'all so much!
1174
01:04:56,305 --> 01:05:02,522
Download Subtitles and Convert your
Videos to iTunes with FLIXTOOLS.com
95124
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
