Original subtitles

What's up, party people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way."

You know what doesn't make sense to me?

Couples counseling. It don't work.

See, women like it because

if they have a problem with they man,

they get to let out all they feelings

to a total stranger and pay him a grip of money

for some psychobabble.

See, men, we ain't like that.

If we got a problem with our woman,

all we do is go to the barbershop,

drop $20 on a dope-ass fade and some sound advice.

Yeah, dawg. She's trippin'.

All right, hold your head still, boy.

Do a cheek out.

All right. Next.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Ashley, are we gonna eat these tacos any time soon?

Or should I just fill up on wine?

We're waiting on Daddy, as usual.

That's why I keep a Snicker bar on deck.

Well, I did send him a text

and tell him that dinner was an hour earlier,

but he must have caught on.

He's smarter than you think.

He'd have to be.

Kids, why don't you go upstairs

and get ready for dinner, please?

Okay.

Why did we divorce Marlon

if we still have to put up with his obnoxious ass?

He's not always obnoxious.

�Qu� pasa, mi amigos?

Are you ready

for family taco night?

Did you bring the taco shells?

No hablo ingl�s.

Yvette, can you get the bread?

Looks like we're having "Sloppy Jos�s" again.

It'd be more accurate

to call a Mexican sandwich a "torta."

But I get it. We're having fun.

You need a job. You got way too many fun facts.

This fool's an hour late and forgets to bring

the one thing that makes a taco a taco.

Turned my damn dinner into an after-school snack.

Well, you know you don't live here, right?

Neither do you.

That's what I've been trying to tell her.

Girl, you're lonelier than the first black Barbie.

- Get your behind over... - Okay, okay!

All right, you two. All right.

Marlon, did you at least get my texts

about signing Zack up for basketball camp?

Well, when I got your first text

trying to trick me about what time dinner was...

I immediately assumed

the next 15 texts was full of lies and deceit.

Well, Marlon, remember, those camps fill up fast.

Last year, you waited too long

and Zack wound up at magic camp.

Yes, but it was a very progressive step

in the whole black magic movement.

You see, sister, we opening doors.

Trapdoors.

Yeah, we're having fun.

All right, fine, Marlon. I'll take care of it.

See, Ashley, there you go

letting him get away with murder

like you used to.

I know you ain't talking

with your old Snapchat-filter face.

And if I could get away with murder,

I would kill that thing on top of your head.

You know, Ashley, I'd offer to help,

but these days... I got my hands full.

Yep, ole schedule's pretty packed.

Biz-ee.

Okay, Stevie, is there something

that you would like to get off your underdeveloped chest?

Well, if you must know,

I started moonlighting as a massage therapist.

"Moonlighting"?

How you gonna moonlight

when you ain't got a job in the daylight?

I can give a massage any time of day

via Rub-A-Dub-Dub. It's like Uber for massages,

without all that pesky legitimacy.

No one's interested in you rubbing your stubby nubs

all over them.

Oh!

A little lower, Stubby. Mm.

All I'm saying is, it seems like you two have fallen

into the same pattern as your marriage.

And that's an observation from an impartial third party

who hates Marlon.

"An impartial third party"

whose life partner runs on AAA batteries...

And speaks the language of...

- Come on. - Wait, no!

- Listen, stop. - Not today, Marlon.

- Stop it! - What you gonna do?

Both of you stop! Stop.

Okay. Yvette.

Marlon and I are fine, okay?

I allow him to be late and a jackass,

and he helps me out in a lot of ways.

Preach!

The other day, he killed a spider in my shower.

- Chee-urch! - And he gets my car detailed.

? You name it ?

And last week, I didn't have enough time

to the post office, so I gave Marlon

a very important stack of mail, and he mailed it for me.

? Oh, Lord ?

- Marlon? - Yes, sister?

You did remember to send that stuff off for me?

'Cause there were very important things in that stack,

like my health insurance payment, the kids' tuition,

the power bill.

Come on, Ash.

It's... it's... it's me.

Come on, you can...

I think the Lord is sending us signals.

Baby girl, I been watching the same show for years.

Marlon acts like Marlon until you get mad,

he smoothes you over with an expensive gift,

and the whole thing starts all over again.

Y'all need a therapist.

Ash. My Ash.

You know, when I left yesterday,

I felt so bad after subjecting you

to Sloppy Jos�s by the candlelight.

And even though it was a really chill vibe,

I still wanna own up to my mistakes,

so I got you a little something.

Booyah.

Well, Ashley,

I guess he's real sorry,

as he just smoothed over his behavior

with an expensive gift.

Yvette, hey, good lookin' out!

Man, you know, I thought for sure

I was gonna have to hit you with a troll comment.

Marlon, Yvette's right.

I mean, we are falling into the same cycle

that ended our marriage.

We need couples counseling.

Damn you, troll.

No, Marlon, I think this'll be good for us.

If we want our cool divorce to last,

- then we gotta work on it. - Ashley,

black people don't go to couples counseling.

Listen, Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv didn't go...

the first one or the second one.

Cliff and Clair didn't go...

although, maybe they should have.

And I'm telling you, Barack and Michelle didn't go,

and I know after he took that selfie

with the South African lady,

she keyed "Air Force One" at least once.

Y'all need to see my girl Kamala Shabazz.

She's a relationship expert.

Oh, she's the one

that's on Oprah's "SuperSoul Sunday."

Yup. You know,

I'm gonna give her a call

so you two can work out all your issues.

"Issues"? We only got one issue,

and, uh, it's you!

Marlon! I'm serious.

I begged you to go when we were married

and you refused, and you see how that ended up.

We gonna go see someone.

Ash, you should know me by now.

Nobody runs me but me.

I'm not going to no couples therapy.

And on this, I will not be swayed.

So, what brings you in to see Dr. Shabazz?

For the last year, we've had an amazing divorce,

but lately,

I feel like we're sliding back into old habits.

I'm here because...

I don't wanna end up in that place again.

Stand in your light, daughter!

Marlon, why are you here?

She's trippin'.

Stand in my light now.

You care to explain this?

You tried to dab and got stuck?

"Oh no!"

No, Rub-A-Dub-dummy.

You better fix this!

Listening is an art

that requires patience and practice.

"Power of the Pen!"

Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2012.

Whoever holds the pen

shall speak their grievances.

Well, I've always found it frustrating

to communicate with Marlon,

because whenever I try, he scoffs.

Marlon, listen.

I am. I can

and listen at the same time.

Toward the end of our marriage,

I just felt like Marlon did his thing his way.

Mm-hmm.

For example,

I asked him to get some flip-flops

- for Zack for the beach... - Oh, oh, really?

- But he refused because... - Yeah, okay.

Because they are corny as hell.

Ain't no self-respecting black boy put his foot in

no damn open-toed shoes.

What the hell is he? Jesus?

- Reclaiming my time... - You can reclaim

- want you want... - Reclaiming my time.

- My Uncle Ray Ray had a pair... - Reclaiming my time.

- Of open-toed shoes... - Reclaiming my time.

- Busted his foot on a can... - Reclaiming my time.

- He got a zombie toe now. - Reclaiming my time.

- Look like an old, dead... - Reclaiming my time!

- Or the last sunflower seed! - Reclaim...

Yasss, queen?

Andre, clear the rest of my day.

We gonna be here for a while.

Exercises like "The Power of the Pen"

only work when people follow the rules.

Look her, Dr. Shazz-bot.

Real talk...

people trying to make me play these janky-ass games

ain't gonna work with me.

I mean, it's just not how I roll.

Ashley, you should know this by now.

So you're saying that Ashley doesn't see you?

I ain't saying nothing.

Well, then let me say a little something.

"Other People's Shoes"!

Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2009.

Now, this is a role-playing exercise.

If you can see yourself through your partner's eyes,

you might learn something.

Ashley, you'll be Marlon. Marlon, you'll be Ashley.

Begin.

Yo, what's up? I'm Marlon,

and I know I'm mad late, but I'll make up for it

on the back end, as I tend to...

overstay my welcome.

I do do that.

That was pretty good.

And divorce should've been a wake-up call for me,

but I haven't changed at all.

I still drop over her house, leave her my laundry.

And stank up her bathroom.

A'ight, my turn? Okay.

Hi, I'm Ashley, and I'm a black white girl,

which means I'm super articulate

and I love to curse people out.

And I still complain about all the things that you are

that I knew you were before I even married you.

Oh, my God.

He's right.

Thank you. Game over.

I won therapy. Whoo-hoo.

I enable all of his behavior.

"Breakthrough, New You"!

Trademark Shabazz Enterprises

soon as I file the paperwork.

- Thank you. - Uh...

'Scuse me, did I miss something?

I... I thought I won therapy.

Why is y'all sitting here having black girl magic?

See, your problem probably isn't even in your neck.

You're right.

My problems in a tweed jacket

and glasses.

Nerve endings in the feet connect to the entire body,

serving as a road map of sorts.

For example, the heel of the foot...

interacts with the lower back.

Actually... that's not so bad.

Mm-hmm, while this little piggy

connects to the neck.

Oh, wow.

And this is your spine, and...

I can't remember what this is.

Girl!

Marlon, now it's your turn.

"Final Flight"! Hah! Ooh!

Tuh-trademark!

Shabazz Enterprizes, 2004.

You're on a plane that's going down.

Call Ashley.

Tell her everything you never said.

Put yourself in this, Marlon. Go!

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, Ashley?

I'm on a plane, and... it's going down.

And... I have so many regrets, and...

- You do? - Yes.

But I'll tell you when I land, because right now,

I have to save all these people on the plane!

'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

'Scuse me. Damn window seats.

'Scuse me. Ah, ah.

Gotta make it to the cockpit. Hiyah!

Pow! Captain!

Oh, he's unconscious.

He's a... lot... heavier... than... I thought.

Come on, I'm gonna drag your ass

like they dragged that Chinese guy...

on United Airline.

Come on.

Get your... get your ass up here.

All right, he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna let society's prejudices

stop me from saving another man's life.

Oh, damn, that's a cold sore. Sorry, Captain.

You gonna die today.

It's terrorists! Watch out, everybody!

Get down! The terrorists got me!

Gotta break free!

I'll hit 'em with this itchy blanket.

Come here.

The itchy airline blanket!

I'll hide in this first-class curtain.

Welcome to coach.

Hiyah! Pow! Hiyah!

Hiyah! Pow!

You're all in trouble now.

You know why? Hah!

'Cause I'm "Passenger 57." "Always bet on black."

Everybody!

Fasten your seatbelts! Put your tray tables up!

Put your oxygen mask on!

Wait, those aren't oxygen masks.

Those are snakes!

I've had it with these mickey-ficky snakes

on this mickey-ficky plane!

Hiyah!

If I could... just... make it...

to... the cock... pit... must... fight...

the gravi... tational pull...

of the... airplane!

If I could just... get... to... the cockpit...

Everybody, be calm.

If Kevin Hart's career could survive "Soul Plane,"

we gonna be all right!

Come on.

I will not... leave... my... wingman!

The plane's leveled out.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.

We are now cruising at a altitude of 30,000 feet.

We will be landing in Vegas, where I'll be hosting

a dope-ass after party at the Bellagio.

Will the flight attendants please meet me

in the galley way by the bathrooms?

You're joining the Mile-High Club.

I should've seen that coming.

Okay.

Dr. Shabazz doesn't need to see any more.

Your marriage was doomed, and I'm sorry to say,

so is your divorce.

"Doomed"?

Ashley, she don't know. Tell her.

Marlon, she has three master's and a PhD,

and I feel how I felt in the middle of our marriage:

like I'm doing this by myself.

And I won't do that again.

I need a divorce from our divorce.

Come on, Ash, you can't believe her

just 'cause she got a PhD.

Look, my cousin Dougie got a PhD

and his mama still gotta pin his gloves

to his damn coat sleeves.

I also have six best-selling relationship books.

Not to mention, I've been married five times.

I think I know when something's done.

Five times?

What's your PhD in? Driving brothers crazy?

Hold up, Mickey Ficky.

You can talk sideways to Ashley,

but I ain't the one.

See now, you dragged your sorry ass up into my office,

talking about "she trippin'."

No, Negro, she was trying!

And you're running around here

talking about some damn snakes on a plane

and busting up my office like the damn LAPD.

And now she's gone.

She'll be a'ight.

Really? Where's she at?

Ashley!

Ashley! She under the table?

Hmm? Maybe the gravitational pull

pulled her out the damn window.

You had an opportunity to save this.

Ashley asked you to come here and participate,

but you refused. Why?

'Cause I do what I wanna do.

That's just how I roll.

I know that's how you roll.

I'm asking you why do you roll like that?

Because I don't like people telling me what to do!

All right? I'm the youngest of ten kids,

and I got bossed around my whole life.

You know what it's like being the youngest of ten kids?

Huh? You got... you got a brother teaching you

how to cross the street at, damn, four years old?

What the hell he gonna teach a three-year-old?

We both got hit by the damn car.

So I just like doing what I wanna do.

I'm a grown-ass man.

And if Ashley don't like it, well, she ain't gotta be here.

Marlon, Ashley doesn't wanna change you

or how you roll.

All she's asking you to do is...

Try.

She wants me to try.

Breakthrough. New you.

Marlon, relationships only work when both people try.

And I didn't learn that from any PhD.

I learned that from my own five failed...

Marriages.

Now there's a bunch of people out there

who I love who don't love me.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay. Hey.

Hey, "breakthrough. New you."

Ash, pick up.

- Marlon, I'm not in the mood. - Ash, please.

It's an emergency.

Ashley, I'm on a plane, and it's going down.

And I have a lot of regrets.

I regret that I could never palm a basketball.

I regret that I never banged Apollonia.

Enjoy your flight.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, I have real regrets too.

I regret that I never tried.

But if I had another chance... I would try.

I would try in our divorce

the way I didn't try in our marriage.

Now I can't 'cause I'm stuck on this busted-ass plane

full of regrets.

- Marlon. - Hmm?

Pick up.

Um... listen.

I really appreciate this call.

And I'll tell you what. If you're, um... willing to...

kick in that cockpit door...

and save all the people on the plane...

and make your way back to me and the kids...

then I'm willing to give you another chance.

Okay. Bet.

I'll be home soon. You know why?

I'm Passenger 57!

"Always bet on black." Hiyah!

Hi-yah!

Oh, snap. You scared me.

I'm so sorry. Ah!

You know, Stevie, in my mind right now...

you're a big-booty Brazilian

with twerking skills.

One out of three ain't bad.

Hey, tell me where you feel this.

Girl!

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.