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1
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It seems today that all you see
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,181
Is violence in movies and sex an TV
3
00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:11,619
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,978 --> 00:00:14,424
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,981 --> 00:00:18,224
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:21,492
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
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All the things that make us
8
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Laugh and cry
9
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He's a family guy
10
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,749
Wow, congratulations
on your grand re-opening, Mort.
11
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Looks like your customers
are coming back.
12
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:46,722
Thanks, Lois.
It's good to be up and gouging again.
13
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Careful. Watch out there, Brian.
Looks like the floor is wet.
14
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,359
Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry.
15
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Son of a bitch!
16
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Oh, my God! Are you okay?
17
00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:58,399
I'm sorry.
I've been a little distracted lately.
18
00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:01,165
I think my wife has been crossing
the street with another man.
19
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,233
God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.
20
00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:05,832
Hey, forget that klutz.
21
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,804
Hmm. Maybe this one.
22
00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,647
Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh?
23
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:14,980
No!
24
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,648
Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!
25
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I'll figure this out. The pieces are all there.
I'll go home and figure this out.
26
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,923
Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing?
27
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:31,901
Oh, that? That's my
"Come in, we're open" sign.
28
00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:33,265
What's that, like an iPad?
29
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:35,896
- No, it's a sign.
- Wish I had one of those.
30
00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:39,272
I've got a whole box of them.
Take it. It's yours. No charge.
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Typical Jew.
32
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,647
Coming this fall,
from the producers of "Gone Baby Gone,"
33
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comes the riveting sequel,
"Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone."
34
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,559
I promise you,
we are going to find your daughter.
35
00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,755
Okay, but, you know, do what you can,
but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself.
36
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,595
Oh, and if you do find her,
honk this horn a couple times.
37
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,464
It's the only way to get her
to stop biting you.
38
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,264
But again, no rush.
39
00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,068
Peter, what are you doing?
40
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,838
I'm just putting up my new sign.
41
00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,435
Don't put that thing on our door.
42
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:17,537
If you want to hang it somewhere,
hang it in the basement.
43
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,639
Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?
44
00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:21,912
- No way.
- Peter, we're not a business.
45
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,715
- Hey, I saw your sign. So, you're open?
- That's right.
46
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,154
- What do you do?
- What do you need?
47
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,987
- Milk.
- We have milk.
48
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,558
Peter, I told you, I don't like all these
strangers walking around in our house.
49
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:41,605
They're not strangers, Lois.
They are our valued customers.
50
00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,731
And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,
51
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,003
- they're gonna go someplace else.
- For what?
52
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:50,080
Not to alarm anyone, but some guy
took me in the closet and tried me on.
53
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,616
She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.
54
00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:55,811
Meg, go take your 10. And you may
consider this a verbal warning.
55
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,547
Peter, I want these people to leave.
56
00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:58,714
I fit, by the way.
57
00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:01,382
Lois, I'd love nothing more
than to sit here and chat with you,
58
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:02,960
but I have a business to run.
59
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:04,723
Hi, there. May I help you folks?
60
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,024
Yes, my family and I
would like our portrait painted.
61
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,224
Well, you came to the right place.
62
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,466
Looking good. Almost done.
63
00:03:17,730 --> 00:03:19,937
And there. Done.
64
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:23,912
What have you done?
65
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,607
I painted the truth.
66
00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,409
I painted my truth.
67
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,487
Give me a spin, sweetie.
68
00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:37,123
What do you think, Mom? Is that
the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?
69
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,195
I love it!
70
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,854
Oh, it's just so much money.
71
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,329
It's true. It's true.
72
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,594
Take the dress off, sweetheart.
Your mother says you can't have it.
73
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:46,432
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you really love it?
74
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,097
I do. It just feels like my wedding dress.
75
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:51,505
Oh, Mom, she loves it.
76
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:53,133
Okay. We'll take it.
77
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:56,576
Peter, what is that girl
doing in my wedding dress?
78
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:58,080
She gone?
- No.
79
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,048
Okay, well, while I'm down here,
let me give you my card.
80
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,548
There you go.
81
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,885
There you go. A half pound
of honey maple turkey, sliced thin.
82
00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:11,655
- I wanted a duplicate key made.
- You have a good one.
83
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:13,324
Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on?
84
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,990
Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down.
85
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:19,226
You're running an unlicensed business,
and that's against the law.
86
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,995
Oh, that is such bullcrap.
87
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,767
Well, you can't fight City Hall.
88
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,466
Oh, we'll see about that!
89
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,803
City Hall knows karate.
90
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,278
I'm sorry, Peter,
but the government makes the rules.
91
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:32,611
I just enforce them.
92
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,013
I don't believe this, Joe.
This is like living in Russia.
93
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,485
I might as well just move there.
94
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:37,554
You don't want to do that.
95
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,488
It's dark, it's cold,
and hooking up is just a crapshoot
96
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,957
'cause of all the big coats.
97
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,453
All right, drop the coats on three.
98
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,321
One, two, three!
99
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,728
- Yeah!
- Oh...
100
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,573
Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate
to young pictures of your mom?
101
00:04:56,663 --> 00:05:00,110
Who the fuck starts a conversation
like that? I just sat down.
102
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,674
Geez, what's your problem, Peter?
103
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:02,812
I'm sorry, Quagmire.
104
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,041
I'm still just upset
about the damn government
105
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,674
sticking its nose in my business.
106
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:10,346
I hear you. Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.
107
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:11,979
We gotta protect bald eagles?
108
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,080
Bald eagles should be allowed
to make their own decisions!
109
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:20,254
Honey, I don't care that you're bald.
I find you just as attractive.
110
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:23,960
It's not about you. It's about
my confidence as an eagle architect.
111
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:28,228
Just for Eagles will give you
thicker, fuller, more natural hair
112
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,274
so you can just focus an eagle stuff
113
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,107
You're an excellent architect.
114
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,406
Freakin' government.
Giving all the good hoses to firemen.
115
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,573
I want them hoses.
116
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:40,912
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
117
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,247
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
118
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:45,617
Coming up, autism.
Is it real or just another excuse
119
00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:47,749
for kids these days
to forget their manners?
120
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,294
But first, thousands are expected
for tomorrow's Tea Party rally
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00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,557
celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.
122
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,462
That's right, Joyce.
The Tea Party has gained a sizable following
123
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,093
based on their message of low taxes,
limited government,
124
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,901
and happy birthday, Tom...
Oh, my God, you guys!
125
00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:06,569
Tea Party, huh?
Well, I'd like to be part ofa movement,
126
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,770
but what movement would want
an angry fat guy with a lot of opinions
127
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,847
who hates listening?
128
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,039
For more details on the Tea Party platform,
129
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,813
we now go to this totally boss
fireworks show.
130
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,026
Oh, my God! That's everything I believe in!
131
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,826
Why are they trying
to take that away from us?
132
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:28,898
I hear you.
133
00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:31,025
Well, that's it.
I am going down to that rally tomorrow
134
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,070
and I am joining the Tea Party!
135
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,729
Oh, wait, that's the same time
as my men's knitting club,
136
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:37,466
although they have been
really critical lately.
137
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,306
You're still not knitting honestly, Peter.
138
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,975
You're knitting like you want us to
like you. It's not coming from inside.
139
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,449
It's very superficial.
140
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,747
Thank you!
You've made my decision easier!
141
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,651
Yes! That! Knit that!
142
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,230
Good Tea Party morning, everyone!
143
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,765
- Peter, you joined the Tea Party?
- That's right, Brian.
144
00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:06,064
I finally got something better to do
with my Saturdays than sit at the mall
145
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,765
and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.
146
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:11,007
So, I drove to work this morning...
147
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,472
...and I had to stop for coffee.
148
00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:18,146
So, there's a Starbucks near my house...
149
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,147
You people are a circus.
150
00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:25,582
Finally, I'm part of a movement
of regular people
151
00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:27,089
trying to take back our government.
152
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,184
Look, the Tea Party isn't the grassroots
movement you think it is.
153
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:32,056
It's actually funded by big business types
154
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,062
who are using you to get the government
out of their way
155
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,564
so they can roll over everyone.
156
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,864
Mom held hands with a woman
at the gas station this morning.
157
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,004
Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.
158
00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:44,074
All I'm saying is you're being used,
and you're too clueless to know it.
159
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,700
Well, you just think
you're so superior, don't you?
160
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,142
Like that first creature
to walk on dry land.
161
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,346
- Hey, where'd you go?
- I went for a jog.
162
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:54,474
What's a jog?
163
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,611
It's a great way to stay in shape,
is what it is.
164
00:07:56,742 --> 00:08:01,748
- Is it like a swim?
- No, no, it's nothing like a swim.
165
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,226
Wow, a lot of people here today.
166
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,630
Yeah. Man, I love street fairs.
167
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:13,670
They got rides, games, and ethnic food
cooked horribly by white Americans.
168
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:16,271
Tacos! Hot tacos here!
169
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,639
- Oh, are those tacos?
- You better believe they're tacos.
170
00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,009
I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla.
171
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,709
Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!
172
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:31,251
Boy, they're really against socialism.
173
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,915
That's right.
The Tea Party is all about self-reliance.
174
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,822
Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.
175
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,535
Would you like to buy a photo
of yourself on the ride, sir?
176
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:47,798
No, I would not.
177
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:49,405
Welcome, everyone!
178
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:52,339
It's great to see so many
regular people out here.
179
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:56,345
Folks who are tired of big government
and are ready to stand up for their rights.
180
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,244
Yeah!
Down with the Spend-o-crats!
181
00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,509
We are Marshall!
182
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:04,611
And now, it's my privilege to introduce
another regular, blue-collar guy,
183
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:08,385
our Quahog chapter spokesman,
Joe Workingman!
184
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,926
Good afternoon,
friends and socioeconomic equals!
185
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,360
Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?
186
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,394
Oh, my God. It's like he's saying
everything I'm listening to.
187
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,870
That's right. The government wants
to tell you what foods to eat.
188
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,010
And what church you can go to.
189
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,975
And that you can't own a chimpanzee
because you're not responsible enough.
190
00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:35,675
I would feed it!
191
00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:39,217
Also, the government wants to tell you
how many children you can have.
192
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,049
What? No!
193
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:44,558
And the government wants to tell you
you can't throw your old TVs into the river.
194
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,361
Then how I supposed to find TV?
195
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:50,862
If you join the Tea Party,
together, we can fix all that.
196
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,164
But you probably
don't wanna join the Tea Party
197
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,934
because all you get are these stupid,
awesome key chains!
198
00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:01,240
Oh, my God,
it's the keychain from the dream!
199
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,606
I gotta say that guy made a lot of sense.
200
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:09,243
He sure did. The governmenfs
really gotten out of hand.
201
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,252
Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.
202
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,379
The same way the Village People
203
00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:15,618
ruined any gathering ofa cop,
an Indian chief and a construction worker.
204
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:18,820
Oh, my God,
can we get a picture with you guys?
205
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,056
We're not those guys.
206
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:23,065
Yes, please leave us alone.
We're very busy.
207
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,101
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
208
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:29,329
We've gotta solve that security problem
for the Indian casino we're constructing.
209
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,969
Hey, you guys want to head to the Clam?
210
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:33,043
I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.
211
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:42,980
Hey, buddy, is there a bathroom
around here, or a second floor window?
212
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,715
- Carter?
- Oh, hey.
213
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,685
You're involved with the Tea Party?
214
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,386
Wait a minute.
This is what Brian was warning me about,
215
00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:53,429
that the Tea Party is run by rich guys
who are only out for themselves.
216
00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:57,126
Brian? You mean that arrogant,
unemployed dog of yours?
217
00:10:57,223 --> 00:11:00,932
Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites
who spreads lies and hates patriots.
218
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,198
Yeah, he kind of is.
219
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:05,537
You and I are both businessmen
who work hard and pay taxes.
220
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:07,838
Except that I make 10,000 times
what you make.
221
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:09,435
Yeah, we're the same, you and me.
222
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:12,682
You know, Peter, the truth is,
I could actually use a regular guy like you
223
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,183
to help get our message out,
224
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:16,979
and I know Joe Workingman
agrees with me.
225
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,754
Love to have you on board, Peter.
226
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,720
Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.
227
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,793
Oh, Carter,
you just missed Joe Workingman.
228
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:27,057
Oh, I think he'll know I was here.
229
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,074
I'm not sure what's happening.
230
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:44,247
Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally?
231
00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:47,215
It was great, and now I know
it's the right cause to get behind
232
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,047
'cause a smart guy like your dad
is involved.
233
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,352
What? Carter was at the Tea Party rally?
234
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,684
Yeah, he was running the whole thing.
235
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:54,587
Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?
236
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,661
Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian,
but don't worry, it's all okay.
237
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,356
Turns out you're the enemy.
They're the ones who are on our side.
238
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:04,629
Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an
industrialist with oil refineries in this city,
239
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,702
is on your side.
240
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:08,499
He wants to get rid
of environmental regulations for you.
241
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,096
Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.
242
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,301
No, it's notjust
environmental regulations, Brian.
243
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,242
Carter wants to get rid
of the whole city government of Quahog.
244
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,905
He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.
245
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,380
Get rid of the government?
246
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:22,078
Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.
247
00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:24,015
Lois, I'm so glad you're done
with the dishes
248
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,851
so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.
249
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:27,980
Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes.
250
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,252
Oh, you haven't?
251
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,119
- Well, then, I'm confused.
- Oh, he does get sarcasm.
252
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,395
All right, now, remember,
the Tea Party is a grassroots movement.
253
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,128
We're not covered
by the lame-stream media,
254
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:43,400
so we got to reach out
to the common man individually.
255
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,634
Right, common man.
256
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,836
Hello?
- Oh, geez, it's a girl.
257
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,509
May I speak to the man of the house?
258
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,916
This is the woman of the house,
and there is no man living here.
259
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:59,956
No? What is... I...
How are you paying for this phone?
260
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,820
I'm a lawyer.
261
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,793
Oh, I see, and are you in your little
courthouse right now, representing Barbie?
262
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:09,088
Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.
263
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,997
All right, kiss government goodbye.
264
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,570
Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,
265
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:16,071
starting with that half-asleep
construction worker.
266
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:25,480
What the hell? Which one is it?
Stop or go forward?
267
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,877
This is a big deal.
They're not at all similar.
268
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,619
Ah, no, no, no, no.
You, sir, have lost my business.
269
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,410
People, please, first things first.
270
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,457
Is there anyone here
for the couch off of Craigslist?
271
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,026
- I am.
- Oh, good, come on in.
272
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:17,626
- That is the picture from Craigslist.
- No way it is.
273
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:20,101
- It is.
- No way it is.
274
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,769
All right, what do the rest of you want?
275
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,899
We want the city government shut down.
276
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:30,644
Oh, I see. And all of you feel the same way?
277
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,146
Yes!
No!
278
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:33,774
Yes!
279
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:38,818
Well, I'm nothing if not a public servant,
and the public has made its feelings known.
280
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:43,120
I hereby declare Quahog's city
government disbanded.
281
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:50,431
It has been my pleasure to serve you,
and now I take my leave.
282
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,068
This column is mine.
I brought it from home.
283
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:03,242
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
284
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:06,407
Our top story, Quahog is now
completely government-free,
285
00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:09,582
which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations.
286
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,086
So no more trips to the bathroom
for this reporter,
287
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,451
just a big-ass coffee can under the desk.
288
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,063
Hello, family.
289
00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:23,030
Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?
290
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,566
You know, for years I've been
sick of taking the roads home,
291
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,332
so today I took the yards.
Didn't hit one light.
292
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,572
Man, getting rid of the government
293
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,142
has been the best thing
to happen around here in a long time.
294
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,935
That's right. Without government,
I'm free to take a lot of mescaline
295
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,275
and drive to Vegas.
296
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,586
Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.
297
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:47,447
Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher
and I can finally hold hands in the halls.
298
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,158
Meg, d�nde esta la biblioteca?
299
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,929
Because I'm going to bang you
in the bibliateca.
300
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:54,957
Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying
your freedom,
301
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,727
but have you taken a look
out the window lately?
302
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,902
- What is that?
- Where's all that smoke coming from?
303
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:05,100
The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery,
and it's not smoke.
304
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,799
It's a giant cloud of pollution.
305
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:11,146
Oh, my God. If that gets past
the bad neighborhoods and reaches us,
306
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,943
that's going to be a big problem.
307
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,984
They can't do that. We should report them.
308
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,348
To who? There's no government.
309
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,321
Then it's up to us, the people,
to find a solution.
310
00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:20,685
Close the curtains.
311
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:22,824
Tea Party.
312
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:25,225
Damn it, this is what I was afraid
was going to happen.
313
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,263
This town is going to go to hell.
314
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:30,930
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
315
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,535
I'm glad we waited.
316
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,167
Giraffity.
317
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,473
Yeah, see, that's not mine.
318
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,543
Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair?
319
00:16:46,638 --> 00:16:47,616
Yeah, you look weird like that.
320
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:50,854
Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,
321
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,183
the first thing they do
is round up the Jews.
322
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,886
Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen any Jews around?
323
00:16:56,982 --> 00:16:57,960
Is there a reward?
324
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,257
Wait a minute. Are you Jewish?
325
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,490
I mean, unashamed locker room nudity?
326
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:04,759
This guy's kosher.
327
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,199
- Oops.
- Let's get him!
328
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,706
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
329
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:17,110
It's day five of the new government-less
Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.
330
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,743
Tom, I don't think the government
was requiring you to wear a suit.
331
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,376
Well, they were stopping me
from punching you in the face.
332
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,681
Is that what you want?
333
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,547
No, you know what? You know what?
Give me your wallet.
334
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:27,623
- What?
- You heard me.
335
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,420
I said, "Give me your wallet."
336
00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,759
This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff.
337
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,761
What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again.
338
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,493
It's the electricity, Peter.
339
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,161
There are power lines down,
and there's no one to fix them.
340
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,331
The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,
341
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:45,705
and there's garbage
piling up in the streets.
342
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,039
Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days.
343
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,070
Would anyone like to be impregnated?
344
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,138
We had a nice town, Peter.
345
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:56,379
I had a nice life, but you and your
anti-government buddies ruined it.
346
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,848
Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh?
347
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,150
More like T.P. Party.
348
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,093
Toilet paper.
349
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,590
I don't know what happened, Brian.
350
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,957
Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,
351
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,192
but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.
352
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:11,791
- Looks that way.
- Wait a minute.
353
00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:13,767
- There might be a way out of this.
- What?
354
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,530
We just talk to the guy
who got us into this.
355
00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:17,265
He'll know what to do.
356
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:32,446
Mr. Pewterschmidt. Mr. Pewterschmidt!
357
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:33,522
Go away.
358
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,489
But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you gotta do something.
359
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,685
The potholes ain't getting fixed no more.
360
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,387
The stoplights ain't working.
361
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:43,456
Tampon commercials no longer use
blue liquids in their demonstrations.
362
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,938
Make it blue. That's always been the deal!
363
00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:50,097
You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!
364
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,907
Come on. You got to help us out.
365
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:52,975
Go to hell.
366
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,066
I don't think he's going to help, Peter.
367
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:56,612
But if rich people
aren't looking out for us, who is?
368
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,579
Well, maybe we need to look out
for each other.
369
00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:01,617
Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.
370
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:04,278
Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.
371
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:07,053
Look up. Okay, smile.
372
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,552
Aw, I suck.
373
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,532
People of Quahog, I have something to say.
374
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:25,406
Now that we've freed ourselves
from the terrible shackles of government,
375
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:27,442
it's time to replace it
with something better.
376
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:34,306
The first thing we need is a system of rules
that everyone must live by.
377
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,253
Gotta have rules.
378
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,822
And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,
379
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,586
I think that we should elect some people
to represent us,
380
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,991
and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.
381
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,058
Now, this may be kind of expensive,
so I got a plan.
382
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:55,502
Everyone should have to give some money
from their salaries each year.
383
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,301
Poor people will give a little bit of money,
384
00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,376
and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,
385
00:19:59,464 --> 00:20:01,876
and our representatives
will use all that money
386
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:06,074
to hire some people who will then provide
us with social order and basic services.
387
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,986
Ugh. There's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.
388
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,485
Now, it won't be perfect.
389
00:20:14,613 --> 00:20:17,184
Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.
390
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,283
But you know what?
391
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,886
That's okay, 'cause later
we're going to have more elections,
392
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,523
and we can use those elections
to get rid of the bad guys
393
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,965
and replace them with good guys,
394
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,765
and then the system will just keep
going on and on, just like that.
395
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,072
So who's with me?
396
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:36,077
Will you join me
in trying this new crazy thing?
397
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,574
Then let's do it.
398
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,450
Yeah, and we did it all
without government.
399
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,656
I'm very proud of you, Peter.
400
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,228
Oh, Lois,
that means nothing to me.
401
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,889
I only care what they say
on the Internet message boards.
402
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,927
Aw!
33453
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