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00:00:35,666 --> 00:00:36,974
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:00:36,975 --> 00:00:39,235
Our top story tonight,
scientists at NASA
3
00:00:39,284 --> 00:00:41,047
have made a fascinating
new discovery:
4
00:00:41,218 --> 00:00:44,087
The first directly observable
instance of a black hole,
5
00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:46,652
which appears to be located
just outside our solar system.
6
00:00:47,022 --> 00:00:48,894
Tricia Takanawa
has the story.
7
00:00:48,895 --> 00:00:52,137
Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,
8
00:00:52,138 --> 00:00:54,072
the first white
man I've ever met
9
00:00:54,073 --> 00:00:55,938
who knows math
better than me.
10
00:00:56,321 --> 00:00:59,127
Mr. Hawking, what does the
discovery of this black hole
11
00:00:59,128 --> 00:01:00,926
mean to you and
your research?
12
00:01:01,624 --> 00:01:02,872
I am overjoyed.
13
00:01:02,873 --> 00:01:06,538
This is the crowning
achievement of my career.
14
00:01:06,616 --> 00:01:09,815
It validates the work
of a lifetime.
15
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:11,606
It certainly does.
16
00:01:11,607 --> 00:01:12,873
Back to you, Tom.
17
00:01:13,232 --> 00:01:14,264
All right, we're clear.
18
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:15,475
I'm telling you, man,
19
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,536
this shtick is
getting so old.
20
00:01:16,537 --> 00:01:17,836
That chair smells, dude.
21
00:01:17,848 --> 00:01:19,113
Hey, Steve, surf's up!
22
00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:20,560
All right!
23
00:01:20,592 --> 00:01:22,158
See you, bitch!
24
00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:24,535
Everyone, guess what.
25
00:01:25,024 --> 00:01:25,586
What?
26
00:01:25,587 --> 00:01:27,956
I have been selected.
27
00:01:28,581 --> 00:01:29,328
For what?
28
00:01:29,329 --> 00:01:32,189
Oh, nothing too important,
just jury duty!
29
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,577
They have summoned me.
30
00:01:33,697 --> 00:01:35,755
I am part of an elite group
of individuals
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deemed intelligent enough
to decide
32
00:01:37,257 --> 00:01:39,122
the fate of a fellow citizen.
33
00:01:42,683 --> 00:01:44,806
Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.
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00:01:44,807 --> 00:01:46,864
You know, they don't just
pick anybody for this job.
35
00:01:46,865 --> 00:01:47,998
Yeah, they do.
36
00:01:48,611 --> 00:01:50,483
Brian, perhaps I have not
made myself clear.
37
00:01:50,484 --> 00:01:53,751
I have been entrusted
to pass judgment upon others.
38
00:01:53,915 --> 00:01:56,583
Everybody gets called for
jury duty, you stupid idiot!
39
00:01:56,911 --> 00:01:58,094
I've been called!
40
00:01:58,095 --> 00:01:59,406
The only reason you've
never been called
41
00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:01,217
is that they use the
voter registration list,
42
00:02:01,218 --> 00:02:03,285
and this past election is the
first time you ever voted.
43
00:02:03,588 --> 00:02:04,754
I voted before.
44
00:02:04,773 --> 00:02:06,673
I stuffed the ballot box
at the Oscars.
45
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:10,638
And the nominees for Best Actor
in a Leading Role are:
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00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:13,606
Grover, Bluto from Popeye,
47
00:02:13,637 --> 00:02:15,069
a Red Guy, a Boob
48
00:02:15,070 --> 00:02:16,803
and Daniel Day Lewis.
49
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:19,988
And the Oscar goes to...
50
00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:21,156
a Red Guy!
51
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:27,665
Wait a second.
Y... You're saying that
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00:02:27,924 --> 00:02:30,295
everyone is asked
to do jury duty?
53
00:02:30,296 --> 00:02:31,362
Yes, Peter.
54
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,852
So then, I'm not special?
55
00:02:33,914 --> 00:02:36,097
Everyone's special,
Peter.
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00:02:36,098 --> 00:02:37,156
Rock Drummer
Tommy Lee?!
57
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,096
And if your wife ever tells you
that you're not special,
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00:02:40,216 --> 00:02:42,465
punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.
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00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,526
Thanks, Rock
Drummer Tommy Lee!
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00:02:44,646 --> 00:02:46,080
Hey, and you know
what else is cool?
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00:02:46,081 --> 00:02:48,148
Having sex
with sunglasses on.
62
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:50,501
I've got a lot of
things to try now!
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00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,691
I don't want
to go to jury duty.
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00:02:56,692 --> 00:02:58,374
Turns out it's not a special
honor at all. It's lame.
65
00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:01,124
And the worst part is,
they try and trick you
66
00:03:01,135 --> 00:03:03,312
into getting excited
by putting "duty" in the title.
67
00:03:03,366 --> 00:03:04,766
So, you were excited
when you thought
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00:03:04,802 --> 00:03:06,402
there was fecal
matter involved?
69
00:03:06,489 --> 00:03:07,789
What the hell
is fecal matter?
70
00:03:07,863 --> 00:03:08,796
- Waste.
- Huh?
71
00:03:08,857 --> 00:03:09,543
- Doody.
- Ha-ha!
72
00:03:09,544 --> 00:03:12,107
Peter, jury duty is an
important cornerstone
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00:03:12,113 --> 00:03:13,956
in our democratic society.
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00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,140
Yeah, that's what separates us
from the monkeys.
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00:03:16,158 --> 00:03:18,359
That and the armed guards
at the zoo.
76
00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:21,007
Man, they got some
sexy monkeys down there.
77
00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:23,029
I don't care,
jury duty sounds boring.
78
00:03:23,149 --> 00:03:24,582
I'm gonna get myself kicked out.
79
00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:26,483
Just like I got
kicked out of Coldplay.
80
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,198
Guys, guys, I got an idea!
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00:03:29,199 --> 00:03:32,301
How 'bout we do a song
that's not whiny bull crap?
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00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:37,376
All right,
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:03:37,377 --> 00:03:39,870
We're gonna ask you a series
of questions to determine
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00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:42,251
whether or not you can
be impartial jurors.
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00:03:42,371 --> 00:03:44,972
First off, do any of
you have any prejudices
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00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:46,784
you feel the court
should know of?
87
00:03:47,174 --> 00:03:48,109
Yes, you sir.
88
00:03:48,110 --> 00:03:49,859
Ants. I hate ants.
89
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:50,478
What?
90
00:03:50,479 --> 00:03:51,352
That's right, you heard me.
91
00:03:51,353 --> 00:03:52,487
I'm an ant hater.
92
00:03:52,538 --> 00:03:54,639
Just like my daddy
and his daddy before him.
93
00:03:54,848 --> 00:03:56,594
So, if this is
an ant trial, forget it.
94
00:03:56,595 --> 00:03:58,296
No way I'm gonna be fair.
95
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,865
Always making those
cocky little hills.
96
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:03,502
Moving around
all single file and stupid.
97
00:04:03,583 --> 00:04:06,885
All ganging up and walking
my pie off the picnic blanket.
98
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:14,612
'Twas my pie gone missing!
99
00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:16,340
Sir, this is not
an ant trial.
100
00:04:16,375 --> 00:04:17,060
Oh.
101
00:04:17,061 --> 00:04:18,814
Is there anything else
we should know about?
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00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:19,934
Oh, have you not heard?
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00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:20,744
Heard what?
104
00:04:20,745 --> 00:04:22,179
♪ A well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪
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♪ B... bird's the word,
a well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪
106
00:04:24,602 --> 00:04:26,126
♪ B... bird's the word,
a well-a... ♪
107
00:04:28,263 --> 00:04:30,529
All right, now the prosecution
is about to show you
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items pertinent to this case
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00:04:32,126 --> 00:04:33,410
that have been entered
into evidence.
110
00:04:33,411 --> 00:04:36,280
It is vitally important
that you look but don't touch,
111
00:04:36,303 --> 00:04:38,510
as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.
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00:04:38,715 --> 00:04:40,884
Exhibit A,
one bloody Slinky.
113
00:04:41,004 --> 00:04:41,898
Oh.
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00:04:41,899 --> 00:04:42,835
Exhibit B,
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one semen-covered
View-Master.
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Oh!
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With the reel of
the Grand Canyon.
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Oh!
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00:04:49,259 --> 00:04:51,612
And a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head.
120
00:04:51,631 --> 00:04:52,898
Oh!
121
00:04:53,004 --> 00:04:54,571
And these socks
you really need.
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00:04:54,691 --> 00:04:56,085
Oh!
123
00:04:58,372 --> 00:05:01,141
All right, everyone, we're going
to take a ten-minute recess.
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00:05:01,179 --> 00:05:03,548
I would like to remind members
of the jury that you are
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00:05:03,549 --> 00:05:06,552
forbidden to discuss details of
the case outside the courtroom.
126
00:05:11,099 --> 00:05:12,597
Hey, how about this trial, huh?
127
00:05:12,598 --> 00:05:13,528
And all its details.
128
00:05:13,597 --> 00:05:14,594
Let's discuss them.
129
00:05:14,719 --> 00:05:15,906
He said not to!
130
00:05:15,907 --> 00:05:17,340
Aw, hey, you know
how the judge told us
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00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:18,768
not to make up
our minds beforehand?
132
00:05:18,775 --> 00:05:19,954
Let's make up our minds.
133
00:05:19,962 --> 00:05:20,926
Griffin, shut up!
134
00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:22,019
Hey, I know the judge said
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00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:23,717
not to run in the hall,
but check this out!
136
00:05:29,852 --> 00:05:31,691
Griffin! Knock it off!
137
00:05:31,692 --> 00:05:33,438
Hey, come on, Judge,
tell us the answer.
138
00:05:33,439 --> 00:05:35,071
The Mexican guy
did it, right?
139
00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:42,005
We now return to How Henry
Kissinger Met Your Mother.
140
00:05:42,265 --> 00:05:44,858
I was walking with my professor
141
00:05:44,859 --> 00:05:47,360
when I saw this
woman who was...
142
00:06:03,205 --> 00:06:04,389
Stewie, can you please move?
143
00:06:04,390 --> 00:06:05,262
You're blocking the TV.
144
00:06:05,263 --> 00:06:06,964
No! And I'll thank
you to quiet down.
145
00:06:06,977 --> 00:06:08,514
I'm playing
action figures.
146
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,699
Prepare to be bested
on the battlefield, Lion-O.
147
00:06:10,722 --> 00:06:12,283
Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.
148
00:06:12,403 --> 00:06:13,125
Ow!
149
00:06:13,126 --> 00:06:14,436
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I punch you too hard?
150
00:06:14,437 --> 00:06:15,870
Yes, I suppose you don't know
your own strength.
151
00:06:15,888 --> 00:06:17,183
I mean, look at your muscles.
152
00:06:17,184 --> 00:06:19,320
Oh, stop it, you're the one
with the sick abs.
153
00:06:19,555 --> 00:06:22,189
God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.
154
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:23,420
Yeah, that's right.
155
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:25,657
You buy your kids
ridiculously homoerotic dolls
156
00:06:25,682 --> 00:06:27,040
and then ask what happened?
157
00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:29,543
Yep. Your gay son
is on you, buddy.
158
00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,421
Explain that to your God.
159
00:06:31,765 --> 00:06:33,904
Off to another day
of jury duty, sweetie?
160
00:06:33,905 --> 00:06:35,154
Yeah, and it sucks.
161
00:06:35,155 --> 00:06:37,122
Even the vending machines
are out of order.
162
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,600
I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.
163
00:06:42,830 --> 00:06:44,824
There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.
164
00:06:44,825 --> 00:06:46,992
This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.
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00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:48,943
NASA has made
the alarming announcement
166
00:06:48,944 --> 00:06:50,477
that the newly discovered
black hole
167
00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:53,375
at the edge of our solar system
appears to be expanding.
168
00:06:53,376 --> 00:06:55,558
Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
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00:06:55,559 --> 00:06:57,492
and scientists estimate
that the event horizon
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00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:59,154
will reach Earth by tomorrow.
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That's right, Tom.
172
00:07:00,114 --> 00:07:01,603
Which means that
all life on Earth
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00:07:01,612 --> 00:07:04,022
will be destroyed
within twenty-four hours.
174
00:07:04,295 --> 00:07:05,978
Oh, my God!
175
00:07:05,979 --> 00:07:08,224
Mom, is... is this for real?
176
00:07:08,225 --> 00:07:10,229
Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.
177
00:07:10,245 --> 00:07:12,717
It's the end
of the world!
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00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,279
Holy crap!
179
00:07:18,085 --> 00:07:20,352
Seems like I've run out
of waiting time.
180
00:07:25,568 --> 00:07:27,251
...but it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby
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00:07:27,252 --> 00:07:28,920
is gonna be just fine.
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00:07:29,001 --> 00:07:31,307
Also in the news,
the doomsday clock is ticking
183
00:07:31,308 --> 00:07:33,676
with less than ninteen hours
to go before our planet
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00:07:33,679 --> 00:07:36,014
is consumed by
an expanding black hole.
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00:07:36,301 --> 00:07:39,106
As Americans everywhere
face their last day on Earth,
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00:07:39,107 --> 00:07:41,142
one can only imagine
how they're spending it.
187
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:44,223
Hey, Mort.
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00:07:44,224 --> 00:07:45,595
Now that the end
of the world is here,
189
00:07:45,596 --> 00:07:47,831
I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?
190
00:07:48,492 --> 00:07:49,839
Ow!
191
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,838
Psych! Ha-ha!
192
00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:52,649
Embedded in the hand.
193
00:07:52,650 --> 00:07:54,151
Have fun where you're going.
194
00:07:55,519 --> 00:07:57,266
Well, it's become clear,
195
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,138
the only way
to avert this disaster
196
00:07:59,139 --> 00:08:02,442
is by writing a strongly-worded
letter to the black hole.
197
00:08:02,884 --> 00:08:04,192
"Dear space.
198
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,978
"Well, you're just full
of surprises, aren't you?
199
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,036
"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.
200
00:08:10,186 --> 00:08:11,721
"Well, you're not
gonna be so tough
201
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,364
"when I put a fish bowl
on my head
202
00:08:13,365 --> 00:08:16,911
and a rocket pack on my back and
come up there and punch you."
203
00:08:25,832 --> 00:08:27,960
Take that, Orion!
204
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,385
That's right.
205
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:34,316
All you are is a failed
production company.
206
00:08:36,439 --> 00:08:38,005
Joe, Joe,
you got to help me.
207
00:08:38,065 --> 00:08:39,248
You got to help
me get laid!
208
00:08:39,249 --> 00:08:40,594
What are you
talking about, Quagmire?
209
00:08:40,618 --> 00:08:41,654
I got to get laid!
210
00:08:41,774 --> 00:08:42,681
You got to help
me get laid!
211
00:08:42,682 --> 00:08:43,865
I've never had sex!
212
00:08:43,866 --> 00:08:45,855
What do you mean?
You've had sex a million times.
213
00:08:45,863 --> 00:08:46,923
Aw, that's all bluster.
214
00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,419
I just talk big
for the fellas.
215
00:08:48,608 --> 00:08:50,074
I'm a virgin, Joe!
216
00:08:50,106 --> 00:08:51,610
I don't want to
die a virgin!
217
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:53,130
Help me, please!
218
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,097
Let me have sex
with Bonnie!
219
00:08:56,222 --> 00:08:57,721
I guess so.
220
00:08:57,722 --> 00:09:00,455
For my friend,
on our last day on Earth.
221
00:09:00,715 --> 00:09:02,849
You're a good
man, Joe Swanson.
222
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:05,330
How was your first time?
223
00:09:05,331 --> 00:09:06,830
Ah, I've had sex
lots of times.
224
00:09:06,831 --> 00:09:08,210
I just wanted to
have it again!
225
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,051
Screw you!
226
00:09:12,074 --> 00:09:14,077
Who else but Quagmire?
227
00:09:14,694 --> 00:09:16,500
Well, Diane, now that
our time is almost up,
228
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:18,808
just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature
229
00:09:18,810 --> 00:09:20,936
called Tom's Crank Calls.
230
00:09:21,056 --> 00:09:23,489
Let's dial that number,
shall we?
231
00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:25,797
Hello, is this Megan Fox?
232
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,698
I will kill you,
do you understand?
233
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,300
If I can't have you,
no one can.
234
00:09:29,355 --> 00:09:30,289
I will kill you.
235
00:09:30,354 --> 00:09:32,322
This is Tom Tucker.
236
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:34,105
Well, I know who you are.
237
00:09:35,346 --> 00:09:37,880
It's fun to see how people react
when they're on the spot.
238
00:09:38,404 --> 00:09:40,401
Look, since these
are our final hours,
239
00:09:40,402 --> 00:09:42,211
I want you kids
to know how much
240
00:09:42,212 --> 00:09:43,713
your father
and I love you
241
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,968
and how important
this family is to us.
242
00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:47,507
Oh, I'm scared.
243
00:09:47,514 --> 00:09:49,372
I wonder what it's like to die.
244
00:09:49,386 --> 00:09:52,132
I don't know, but from the
look in a stray cat's eyes
245
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,693
when you're pushing
on its windpipe,
246
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,219
I think it's
pretty terrifying.
247
00:09:55,502 --> 00:09:56,874
Like, panicky.
248
00:09:56,875 --> 00:09:58,843
Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna happ...
249
00:09:59,245 --> 00:10:00,306
What was that...
250
00:10:00,307 --> 00:10:01,406
You were praying.
251
00:10:01,429 --> 00:10:02,562
Come on, no, I wasn't.
252
00:10:02,741 --> 00:10:03,612
Yes, you were.
253
00:10:03,613 --> 00:10:05,153
You were
praying, I saw!
254
00:10:05,173 --> 00:10:06,373
No, man, it was a joke!
255
00:10:06,422 --> 00:10:07,583
You were praying!
256
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,353
It was a goof!
I was goofing on you!
257
00:10:09,354 --> 00:10:11,789
You're... you're...
you're disingenuous.
258
00:10:13,848 --> 00:10:14,719
Hello, everybody.
259
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,754
This is Montecore.
He's my lion.
260
00:10:16,779 --> 00:10:17,778
I have a lion now.
261
00:10:19,214 --> 00:10:20,628
Peter, what the hell?!
262
00:10:20,648 --> 00:10:21,896
You know, I went
to the zoo last week
263
00:10:21,897 --> 00:10:23,799
and asked if I could do it,
and they told me to scram.
264
00:10:23,835 --> 00:10:24,869
Went to the zoo this morning
265
00:10:24,955 --> 00:10:26,546
with a shotgun
and now I have a lion.
266
00:10:26,764 --> 00:10:28,812
- Does it bite?
- Of course it bites, it's a lion.
267
00:10:28,825 --> 00:10:30,258
Peter, get off the lion.
268
00:10:30,259 --> 00:10:32,317
We should spend some time
together as a family.
269
00:10:32,318 --> 00:10:33,873
I don't think so, Lois.
270
00:10:33,879 --> 00:10:35,311
But the world is ending.
271
00:10:35,312 --> 00:10:36,813
We should be spending
these final hours
272
00:10:36,874 --> 00:10:38,541
with the people we love most.
273
00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:40,906
Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.
274
00:10:40,928 --> 00:10:43,654
Today, I have a golden ticket
to do whatever the hell I want.
275
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,609
I feel like an old guy
276
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,754
who's reliving
his youthful shenanigans.
277
00:10:47,044 --> 00:10:49,040
Tell me about when
you were young, Grandpa.
278
00:10:49,041 --> 00:10:51,579
Oh, sonny,
those were crazy times.
279
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,596
My friends and I
were out of control.
280
00:10:53,597 --> 00:10:56,199
We used to give each other
wet-willies and funny arms.
281
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,248
We'd play dandy-balls and
legs-a-spread and penis-butt.
282
00:10:59,714 --> 00:11:01,146
Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.
283
00:11:01,147 --> 00:11:03,086
It was gay. Everyone was.
284
00:11:03,206 --> 00:11:05,541
But, back then, we were
called pole-fancies.
285
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,198
It was real,
good old-fashioned
286
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:10,067
"grab the nearest tree and
hold on for dear life" gay,
287
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:13,002
not today's fancy, featherbed,
thread-count gay.
288
00:11:13,064 --> 00:11:14,365
People got hurt back then!
289
00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:15,497
That's gay.
290
00:11:15,498 --> 00:11:16,531
Yeah, it was pretty gay.
291
00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:21,987
What the hell are you
doing with a musket?
292
00:11:21,988 --> 00:11:22,986
Last day on Earth.
293
00:11:22,987 --> 00:11:25,354
I've always wanted to save
a Native American family
294
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,660
from rapacious cavalrymen.
295
00:11:34,782 --> 00:11:37,415
Yeah...
this one'll do nicely.
296
00:11:39,274 --> 00:11:41,275
Let her go.
297
00:11:42,892 --> 00:11:46,024
You don't have to be afraid
of him anymore.
298
00:11:49,010 --> 00:11:51,565
Stay with us as the
countdown to Doomsday continues
299
00:11:51,566 --> 00:11:53,632
with just six more hours to go.
300
00:11:53,752 --> 00:11:55,561
The only thing that's nice
about this is
301
00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:56,996
even though it's a Tuesday,
302
00:11:56,997 --> 00:11:58,964
it feels kinda like
it's a Friday.
303
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,549
Peter, where are
you going?
304
00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:03,546
Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.
305
00:12:03,547 --> 00:12:04,793
I'm gonna find
a black neighborhood
306
00:12:04,794 --> 00:12:05,729
and see what happens
307
00:12:05,730 --> 00:12:07,097
if I yell
the you-know-what word.
308
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,331
They respected me
for saying it.
309
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,452
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it,
310
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,499
our final minutes.
311
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,366
Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked
312
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,386
into the gaping maw
of the black hole.
313
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:26,322
We here at Channel Five would
like to leave you
314
00:12:26,323 --> 00:12:28,949
with some highlights of
mankind's brief existence,
315
00:12:29,069 --> 00:12:30,754
like the Battle of Hastings.
316
00:12:30,755 --> 00:12:33,629
Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings!
317
00:12:33,638 --> 00:12:34,871
Yeah, let's do it!
318
00:12:34,872 --> 00:12:35,559
Let's go!
319
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,194
All right, Hastings!
320
00:12:37,369 --> 00:12:38,903
The Ottoman Empire.
321
00:12:38,922 --> 00:12:40,363
Ah, I could get
used to this.
322
00:12:40,364 --> 00:12:41,300
You know what?
323
00:12:41,301 --> 00:12:43,699
This is what I want
our empire to be about.
324
00:12:43,985 --> 00:12:46,086
The first television broadcast.
325
00:12:59,208 --> 00:13:00,956
And with only
thirty seconds to go,
326
00:13:00,957 --> 00:13:02,424
we thank you
for choosing Channel Five
327
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,955
as your Armageddon network.
328
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,542
Mom, where's Dad?!
329
00:13:05,574 --> 00:13:07,008
I don't know, Chris.
330
00:13:07,010 --> 00:13:08,005
Sorry I'm late, guys.
331
00:13:08,006 --> 00:13:09,614
Peter, where
have you been?!
332
00:13:09,629 --> 00:13:11,263
Look, you try scheduling
a haircut today.
333
00:13:11,376 --> 00:13:12,998
You know, you'd think
you'd wanna spend
334
00:13:12,999 --> 00:13:14,792
your last day on Earth
with your family!
335
00:13:14,808 --> 00:13:15,841
Hey, I'm here, aren't I?
336
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,678
With only seconds left!
337
00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:19,012
Don't you love me?!
338
00:13:19,239 --> 00:13:20,361
Of course I love you, Lois!
339
00:13:20,362 --> 00:13:22,363
You're the most important person
in the world to me!
340
00:13:23,046 --> 00:13:24,167
You promise?
341
00:13:24,168 --> 00:13:25,301
I promise!
342
00:13:26,914 --> 00:13:29,537
Ten, nine, eight...
343
00:13:29,657 --> 00:13:31,148
I just hate bein'
around the kids.
344
00:13:31,159 --> 00:13:31,925
What?!
345
00:13:32,093 --> 00:13:33,590
...six, five,
346
00:13:33,591 --> 00:13:34,724
Sorry, I just thought
I'd be honest
347
00:13:35,026 --> 00:13:35,959
since we're gonna die.
348
00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:39,019
...three, two, one.
349
00:13:39,020 --> 00:13:40,847
April Fools!
350
00:13:41,391 --> 00:13:42,203
What?!
351
00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:43,818
You gotta be kiddin' me!
352
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:44,992
We're not gonna die?!
353
00:13:45,010 --> 00:13:47,007
No, we're not gonna die!
354
00:13:50,939 --> 00:13:53,040
Wait, what did
Dad just say?
355
00:13:57,276 --> 00:13:58,878
Yes, April Fools!
356
00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:00,416
We at Channel Five News
concocted
357
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:02,638
the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment
358
00:14:02,639 --> 00:14:04,306
to being festive
around the holidays.
359
00:14:04,326 --> 00:14:07,009
And with only eighty-seven suicides
and widespread looting,
360
00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:10,127
we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.
361
00:14:10,565 --> 00:14:12,624
You dicks!
362
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:14,542
Hey, how do ya like
that, Lois?
363
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:15,556
We're gonna live!
364
00:14:15,557 --> 00:14:17,489
Peter, what did you mean
by what you said,
365
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,978
you hate bein'
around the kids?
366
00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:21,420
Yeah, Dad,
what did you mean?
367
00:14:21,421 --> 00:14:22,614
Don't you like us?
368
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:23,782
Yeah, what gives?
369
00:14:23,794 --> 00:14:24,980
Well... Oh, come on.
370
00:14:24,981 --> 00:14:26,980
I... I didn't mean that.
I was just jokin' around.
371
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,353
Hey, gimme a big hug.
372
00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:30,707
How about a big hug for old Dad?
373
00:14:31,032 --> 00:14:32,466
Kids, why don't you
go upstairs
374
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,101
so your father
and I can talk.
375
00:14:34,103 --> 00:14:36,107
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
376
00:14:36,149 --> 00:14:37,382
Let's get outta here.
377
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,577
Well, I'm off to serve food
at the soup kitchen.
378
00:14:41,578 --> 00:14:42,933
Now that I lived
through this,
379
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,365
I kinda have to keep
380
00:14:44,386 --> 00:14:45,323
a promise I made
to someone.
381
00:14:45,324 --> 00:14:46,191
It's God!
382
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,441
Peter, what did you mean?
383
00:14:48,442 --> 00:14:49,502
All right,
you want the truth?
384
00:14:49,503 --> 00:14:51,178
They bore the hell
outta me, Lois.
385
00:14:51,189 --> 00:14:52,599
Bore the hell
outta you?!
386
00:14:52,622 --> 00:14:53,560
They're your kids!
387
00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:55,006
I know,
and I love 'em,
388
00:14:55,308 --> 00:14:57,489
but don't you just sometimes
wish they'd run away
389
00:14:57,490 --> 00:14:59,358
or get kidnapped
and be made to work
390
00:14:59,363 --> 00:15:00,236
in a Temple of Doom?
391
00:15:04,854 --> 00:15:06,475
How can you
even say that?!
392
00:15:06,476 --> 00:15:08,074
Because, Lois.
Meg tells a story
393
00:15:08,099 --> 00:15:09,465
that makes you wanna blow
your brains out,
394
00:15:09,471 --> 00:15:10,722
Stewie just sits there
395
00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:12,971
and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.
396
00:15:13,091 --> 00:15:14,090
Get outta here!
397
00:15:14,091 --> 00:15:16,058
Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.
398
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,643
Let us go find
das vaginya.
399
00:15:18,644 --> 00:15:19,687
Listen to you!
400
00:15:19,704 --> 00:15:20,888
You don't know your own kids!
401
00:15:20,889 --> 00:15:22,020
That's the problem!
402
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:23,696
It's not them, it's you!
403
00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:24,301
Me?!
404
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,487
Yes, you!
405
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,630
And you know what?
406
00:15:26,631 --> 00:15:29,069
You've hurt your kids worse
than any black hole could!
407
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:30,569
Lois, you're overreacting.
408
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,222
This'll all blow over
by tomorrow.
409
00:15:36,616 --> 00:15:38,249
Morning, (bleep).
410
00:15:38,274 --> 00:15:39,235
Ha-ha, I'm just kiddin'!
411
00:15:39,236 --> 00:15:41,231
So what do we got,
pancakes? Cool!
412
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,165
Hey, what's on tap
for school today, kids?
413
00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,356
- Shut up, Dad.
- Whatever.
414
00:15:45,476 --> 00:15:46,708
So, Chris, how, uh,
415
00:15:46,723 --> 00:15:48,034
how are all your friends
at school?
416
00:15:48,035 --> 00:15:48,968
What do you care?
417
00:15:48,969 --> 00:15:50,888
You don't know
who my friends are.
418
00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:51,907
Sure, I do.
419
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:54,387
Um, Chandler...
420
00:15:54,836 --> 00:15:56,303
Fonzie...
421
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,066
and Remington Steele?
422
00:15:58,642 --> 00:16:00,512
You got lucky, Dad.
423
00:16:00,513 --> 00:16:02,822
So, Stewie, how's everything
goin' in Lego Land?
424
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:04,131
Oh, pretty good.
I made a spaceship...
425
00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:06,066
Wait a minute.
I'm not talkin' to you.
426
00:16:06,318 --> 00:16:08,286
Come on, guys. Let's go eat
in the living room.
427
00:16:08,313 --> 00:16:09,711
It stinks in here.
428
00:16:11,185 --> 00:16:13,056
Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?
429
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:14,688
'Cause sometimes
I can suck 'em back up.
430
00:16:15,053 --> 00:16:16,927
I think we can make up
some of these losses
431
00:16:16,928 --> 00:16:18,061
in the third quarter.
432
00:16:21,295 --> 00:16:21,918
What was that?
433
00:16:21,919 --> 00:16:22,729
What was what?
434
00:16:22,730 --> 00:16:23,930
Oh, nothing.
435
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:26,602
I thought I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.
436
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:29,843
They, uh, they're really pissed
at me, aren't they?
437
00:16:29,844 --> 00:16:32,011
Oh, look who's
startin' to get it.
438
00:16:32,088 --> 00:16:34,356
Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.
439
00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:35,644
They, they know
you have no interest
440
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:36,520
in getting to know them.
441
00:16:36,521 --> 00:16:38,145
I mean, how... how would you feel?
442
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,566
Well, right now
I feel like a jerk.
443
00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:42,893
Peter, if you really
do care about your kids,
444
00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:45,346
you're gonna have to earn back
their respect and affection.
445
00:16:45,358 --> 00:16:46,109
How do I do that?
446
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,664
You gotta spend
time with them
447
00:16:47,688 --> 00:16:50,065
and make their interests
your interests.
448
00:16:50,185 --> 00:16:52,187
I guess
you're right, Lois.
449
00:16:52,243 --> 00:16:53,616
I'm always screwin' up.
450
00:16:53,617 --> 00:16:55,385
Like that time
with Jason Mraz.
451
00:16:56,488 --> 00:16:58,712
Oh, my God!
You're Jason Mraz!
452
00:16:58,733 --> 00:16:59,357
No, I'm not.
453
00:16:59,358 --> 00:17:00,667
I'm just some
guy with a hat.
454
00:17:00,668 --> 00:17:02,690
Yeah, that's who
Jason Mraz is!
455
00:17:07,347 --> 00:17:09,915
Hey, buddy.
456
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,506
What's goin' on?
457
00:17:14,272 --> 00:17:15,707
You having your period?
458
00:17:15,708 --> 00:17:16,517
What?!
459
00:17:16,518 --> 00:17:17,266
I'm just trying
460
00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:18,638
to take an interest
in your interests.
461
00:17:18,639 --> 00:17:19,906
My period's
not an interest.
462
00:17:20,386 --> 00:17:21,508
It's something
that happens to me
463
00:17:21,509 --> 00:17:22,888
that I cannot control.
464
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:24,254
Gross.
465
00:17:24,255 --> 00:17:25,877
All right, I'm gonna
go talk to Chris.
466
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,069
Hi, Chris.
467
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,668
Hello... Peter.
468
00:17:30,684 --> 00:17:32,283
You know,
I was just thinkin',
469
00:17:32,305 --> 00:17:35,441
when I was your age, my Uncle
Roy shared a beer with me.
470
00:17:35,612 --> 00:17:38,166
I drank it, and I was so
excited, I fell asleep.
471
00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:40,467
I must have tossed
and turned somethin' fierce,
472
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,514
'cause when I woke up,
my pants were off.
473
00:17:42,664 --> 00:17:44,765
Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.
474
00:17:44,787 --> 00:17:46,388
Turns out we weren't
even related.
475
00:17:46,906 --> 00:17:48,904
Anyway, I thought him sharing
that beer with me was
476
00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:50,573
the coolest thing ever.
477
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,584
And I know nowadays
things are different...
478
00:17:52,585 --> 00:17:53,919
so I got some crystal meth.
479
00:17:54,021 --> 00:17:56,374
I figured we could do it
together as father and son.
480
00:17:56,391 --> 00:17:57,525
I don't know about that.
481
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,144
Tell you what,
I'll get us started.
482
00:18:01,572 --> 00:18:05,314
Ah... That feels...
that feels better.
483
00:18:05,315 --> 00:18:07,047
You sure
that stuff is okay?
484
00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:09,498
All I know is the guys
who made it are dead.
485
00:18:09,872 --> 00:18:12,473
Why is there no hole
in this wall?
486
00:18:12,593 --> 00:18:14,487
You know, this thing
is buggin' me.
487
00:18:15,985 --> 00:18:17,816
All right, I'm gonna
take a hike.
488
00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:24,205
So you gonna introduce me
to your pals?
489
00:18:24,222 --> 00:18:25,344
That's Trapjaw.
490
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:26,515
That's Optimus Prime.
491
00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:27,630
That's Destro.
492
00:18:27,654 --> 00:18:29,020
And that's a Care Bear.
493
00:18:29,339 --> 00:18:30,524
You havin' a tea party?
494
00:18:30,525 --> 00:18:32,593
No, we're working out
a land deal.
495
00:18:32,648 --> 00:18:34,332
Trapjaw is trying
to get a variance
496
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:36,319
to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet
497
00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:38,115
of Optimus Prime's
property line.
498
00:18:38,138 --> 00:18:40,487
Destro is the City Councilman
who's telling Trapjaw
499
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,504
that he has to file it
as an accessory structure,
500
00:18:42,505 --> 00:18:45,190
and even then it can only be
built at the rear of the lot.
501
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:47,372
And the Care Bear is
just a Care Bear.
502
00:18:47,373 --> 00:18:49,608
I am so (bleep) ready!
503
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,303
I don't know, Lois,
I tried my best.
504
00:18:56,423 --> 00:18:58,730
I don't know what else
I possibly could have done.
505
00:18:58,731 --> 00:19:00,601
Peter, you're just gonna
have to do better.
506
00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:02,402
Somehow you've gotta
let those kids know
507
00:19:02,411 --> 00:19:03,959
that they matter to you.
508
00:19:03,973 --> 00:19:05,638
I'll try, Lois.
509
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,896
Kids, come in here!
510
00:19:10,897 --> 00:19:12,597
Your father's got
somethin' to say!
511
00:19:16,576 --> 00:19:18,387
Look, I know you
kids ain't too happy
512
00:19:18,388 --> 00:19:19,447
with your dad right now,
513
00:19:19,448 --> 00:19:22,479
but I hope at least you could
see that I'm tryin'.
514
00:19:22,941 --> 00:19:26,039
I mean, I know sometimes we
don't get along with each other.
515
00:19:26,310 --> 00:19:27,496
Hell, if we weren't all related,
516
00:19:27,497 --> 00:19:29,306
this would be like the worst
table at the wedding.
517
00:19:29,309 --> 00:19:31,493
But we're...
we're part of a family.
518
00:19:31,802 --> 00:19:33,672
And I'm still your father.
519
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,545
And I promise I love you.
520
00:19:35,546 --> 00:19:39,105
Well, then how come you said
you hated spending time with us?
521
00:19:39,106 --> 00:19:41,540
Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.
522
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,846
But I... I can still be your dad
523
00:19:43,847 --> 00:19:46,114
even if we don't have any
of the same interests.
524
00:19:46,154 --> 00:19:49,012
So what do you say,
are we a family again?
525
00:19:50,336 --> 00:19:51,019
I don't buy it.
526
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:51,706
Me neither.
527
00:19:51,707 --> 00:19:52,891
When you jumped
through my ceiling,
528
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,146
you let an owl in.
529
00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:55,451
I know they're supposed
to be wise,
530
00:19:55,452 --> 00:19:56,699
but all it did was shriek
531
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:58,646
and poop out
half-digested mice.
532
00:19:58,766 --> 00:20:00,304
Well, then, I guess
there's only one thing
533
00:20:00,321 --> 00:20:02,221
I can do to regain your love.
534
00:20:02,939 --> 00:20:04,687
Who wants a brand new Xbox?
535
00:20:04,688 --> 00:20:06,789
- Yay!
- Oh, Daddy!
536
00:20:06,811 --> 00:20:09,480
Oh, my God,
you're the best father ever!
537
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,918
Well, I guess if you can't earn
your kids' respect,
538
00:20:15,919 --> 00:20:17,215
you can always buy it.
539
00:20:21,161 --> 00:20:23,729
There's some awesome stuff
in the garbage.
540
00:20:30,993 --> 00:20:33,631
Dad, can we please have
a turn at the Xbox?
541
00:20:33,638 --> 00:20:35,634
Just a second, Meg. I'm still
trying to get the hang of this.
542
00:20:35,754 --> 00:20:37,149
Okay, guys, tell me again,
543
00:20:37,163 --> 00:20:39,330
uh, now, which one
do I press to shoot now?
544
00:20:39,722 --> 00:20:41,656
Damn it! Ah, crap.
545
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,570
Who's the douchebag
who keeps dyin'?
546
00:20:43,592 --> 00:20:45,812
I'm not a douchebag.
I'm new.
547
00:20:45,837 --> 00:20:46,959
Look, if you're no good,
548
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,582
why don't you just go
hide till the end?
549
00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:50,384
All right, I'll go
crouch behind the, uh...
550
00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:51,801
Is this
a crouch button?
551
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,259
Ah! Who dropped
a grenade?!
552
00:20:54,260 --> 00:20:55,571
- Idiot!
- Learn how to play!
553
00:20:55,572 --> 00:20:57,340
- Moron!
- You suck!
39723
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