All language subtitles for Carry On Doctor (1967)

Dear friends!

It's thinking. Think it!

It's all in here.

The triumph of mind over matter.

What is mind? No matter.

What is matter? Never mind.

It's thinking. It's thinking that counts.

That's the secret,

your way to health and to happiness.

Now, my friends,

I want you to look at this woman.

You won't believe this,

but for many years this poor creature

has suffered from loss of hearing.

or, in technical terms,

Mutt and Jeffness.

Medicine could do nothing for her.

The doctors gave her up.

That's right, dear, isn't it?

(Shouts) That's right, dear. Chloe!

They gave you up!

Yes.

(Mutters) It's not surprising.

- But...
- For years I had suffered from loss of hearing.

The doctors could do nothing for me.

I did not know which way to turn.

That's right, dear, yes.

Till one day, I had the good fortune
to meet Mr Bigger.

It was he who taught me the power of thought.

He showed me
that the mind was stronger than the body.

That is enough!

(Uncertain applause)

And now... (Clears throat)

while my assistant passes amongst you
with the collection box...

Purely travelling expenses, of course.

No cheques, please. Just notes.

I will deliver my final message.

You will be amazed!

Look at me. I don't need doctors,

I don't need medicine,

and nor will you

if you'll just think:

"Nothing.

Nothing can happen to me."

And believe me,

nothing will.

(Screams)

(Siren)

Oh!

Hurts, does it, sir?

Oh, no,
I'm just doing this to while away the journey.

(Tyres screech)

Oh, no!

(Moves up a gear)

Oh!

Argh! Urgh!

(Tyres screech)

Blimey, he's in a hurry!

(Coughing and choking)

Come on.
Just a quick one while Sister's out of the ward.

No, Mr Roper.
Dr Tinkle says it's not good for you.

- But I've been smoking for years.
- No!

- Well, give us a kiss, then.
- Certainly not!

That's even worse for you.

- What am I going to do, then?
- You can take your medicine.

I bet you can too.

(Coughing and wheezing)

Not again.
I've never known a bloke go as much as you.

You're just jealous cos you can't.

(Coughs)

Fosdick Ward, Nurse Clarke. Bed three.

- Yes, Sister.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Aren't I going to see a doctor?

All in good time, Mr Bigger. We must get
our clothes off and get into bed first, mustn't we?

We?

Madam, I have an affliction!

That will do, Nurse.

Sister's coming!

Evening, Sister.

All right. Onto the bed, please, Mr Bigger.

I can't. Every movement is agony!

Come along, come along.
We mustn't be a baby, must we?

We must be a big. brave boy.

How can I be a big, brave boy?

I've got a painsy-wainsy in my botty-wotty!

Come along, now.

Well... Mind. Will you...

Oh! Don't...

Leave it alone, I'll do it myself!

(Groans)

There. More comfortable?

No.

Oi, there's something moving about under my...

Oh! It's trying to...

He's on my hand, Sister.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

I thought I was being got at by something.

I'll try and find Matron. Get his things off, Nurse.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! I don't want my things off!

Don't get Matron. I'm not having my...

What are you doing that for?

Look, I'm not being exposed by you.
So now, then.

(Hums)

Mr Biddle.

Ah, evening, Matron.

What are you doing out of your ward, Mr Biddle?

I've just been to the whatnot.

I'm allowed to go myself now. Sister said so.

That's right, Matron, but within reason.
This is the third time in an hour.

Sorry.
I didn't know anybody was keeping the score.

I think we'd better have a look
at Mr Biddle's bladder, Sister.

Oh, no, it wasn't that. It was the other.

I wanted to go, so I went,

but...I couldn't.

Oh, I see. Then we must try and make it easier
for you, Mr Biddle.

Double the dose in future, Sister.

Oh, no!

Back to your ward. Hurry along.

MR BIGGER: Oh! You might have cut your nails.

(Cackles)

NURSE: Well. will you take them off. then?

MR BIGGER: No. I will not. Don't you dare!

NURSE: Oh. now. don't be a silly boy.

Look, if I let you,
would that make me a sensible one?

What's going on here, Nurse?

Sister, he won't let me
take his underpants off, the silly boy.

You're darn right I won't.

And I'm not a boy, as you'd soon find out.

Come now, Mr Bigger.
We don't want to lie in our nice, comfortable bed

with our nasty old pants on, do we now?

Madam, what you do in your bed
is your own affair.

Mr Bigger,
all patients must wear pyjamas or a bed gown.

Look, I don't care about that.
I'm not letting her take them off.

I mean, her a mere chit of a girl

and me a fully matured male animal.

- Mr Bigger...
- All right, Sister, that's quite enough.

I'll handle this.

I don't suppose you regard me as
a mere chit of a girl, Mr Bigger.

Well, you said it.

Very well, then.

What...

Argh!

Oy!

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Well,

they were a present.

I can understand your reluctance
to part with them.

All right, Nurse, put his bed gown on.

I understand you are suffering
from an acute pain in the region of the posterior.

Ooh, yes. Not half I am.

- Yes.
- Could you be a little more specific, Mr Bigger?

Where exactly is it?

It's in the same place
as everybody else's posterior, including yours.

I was referring to the pain.

All right. It's down here.

There's... Ohh!

No, that's far enough!

I'll take it from there, cheeky.

Has the houseman seen him yet?

- No, Matron.
- Why not?

MATRON: Who's on duty this evening?
- Oh, Dr Kilmore, Matron.

That explains it.

Would you like me to go and fetch him, Matron?

You may as well. It's the best we can do
until Dr Tinkle sees him tomorrow.

I want the best treatment, you know.
No experiments.

I'm not a guinea pig.

Oh, I agree, Mr Bigger.

More like a hamster.

Oh!

Have you been smoking, Mr Roper?

NARRATOR: And so a great hospital
swings into action.

Its doctors. nurses and orderlies

working round the clock,
calmly, coolly and efficiently

to relieve the suffering of others.

Dedicated,
and apparently without any emotions.

But as any television viewer knows.
appearances can be deceptive.

Yes, as in all hospitals,
there is high drama beneath the placid surface.

As in all humans,
a thousand passions and loves

surge and tremble
beneath the bed gowns.

the white jackets. and the starched bosoms.

(Thinks) Oh dear, I must
try and control my feelings when I see him.

Please, please don't let me blush.

MAN: I can't think of anything
more perfect than the night. and you.

And me.

God, but you look absolutely stunning tonight.

Breathlessly beautiful.

I've never seen such a lovely...

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Now, what do I say?

Ah, yes.

I don't know what it is,

but, somehow,
you're completely different to all other girls.

May I?

May I take your coat?

Oh, what a beautiful neck!

Quite irresistible.

Forgive me. I just had to do that.

Doctor?

Please, darling, just call me Jim.

Dr Kilmore?

Oh... Oh, oh, Nurse Clarke.

Excuse me,
but there's a casualty in Fosdick.

Oh, good!

There. Doctor will be here in a moment.

I should hope so.

For all he knows.
I might be lying here with my life ebbing away!

Well, it can happen, you know.

You never can tell.

One moment you're here, the next...phut!

I think he's phutted already.

What've they got you in here for?
Something nasty?

No, not really. Just a pain in the back.

(Groans)

Last bloke in that bed had the same thing.

Did he?

Right up to the end.

Oh, that's cheering.

I'll say one thing for them - it's a nice warm bed.

Should be.
They only took him out half an hour ago.

This must be where they keep the coal.

(Whimpers)

Oh... How do you do?

I didn't know you were still with us.

Yes, well...

don't let me keep you conscious.

Is this your first?

Pardon?

Is this your first?

First? First what?

Baby.

Huh?

It's the first time for me.

Never again, though.

Never aga...

Is he really going to have a...?

No, his wife is.

Trouble was, when she told him, he collapsed,
and he's been here ever since.

Don't let them tell you having one is easy.

I'm having a terrible time!

Terrib...

He should be in the paternity ward.

This is a madhouse!

You'll get used to it.

You're lucky Kilmore's looking after you.
He's all right, he is.

Yeah, but wait till old Tinkle comes round. Cor!

Tinkle?

He's the registrar. That means senior doctor.

And he's a first-class B.

Knows his job, though.

Yeah, so does the hangman. (Cackles)

(Sarcastic cackle)

Oh! Oh, I say, I'm terribly sorry, Matron.

That's another thermometer gone, Doctor.

Never mind. You can still use it on people
who are a bit round the bend.

This hospital just isn't big enough for both of us,
Dr Kilmore.

Oh, now, come on.

You're not all that big, Matron.

Oh, yes, I see.
I hear you have a casualty for me.

Yes. Nothing serious, of course,
or I wouldn't have sent for you.

- I have an idea she doesn't like me.
- She doesn't like anybody, the old...

It's not as though I bumped into her on purpose.

Anyone would think I made a habit of it.

- What's your trouble?
- Oh, I had my appendix out.

Appendix? Well, what about your leg?

Oh, no, that happened
when I fell off the operating table!

Oh.

Cheers.

Did you wish to go somewhere, Mr Biddle?

I did, but you frightened me out of it.

I wish you'd speak to him, Doctor.
He will keep wandering around the corridors.

I think it's a good thing for him
to get about as much as possible, Sister.

So long as he keeps well away
from other wards, of course.

Oh, don't worry. I will, doc.

- Right. Where's this casualty?
- Over here, Doctor.

- Good evening. I'm Doctor Kilmore.
- And about time too,

I may say.

If this is the National Health Service,
take me back to the leeches.

Well, I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting, Mr...

Bigger, Doctor.

Mr Francis Bigger.

Bigger? Francis Bigger?

Wait a minute!

That rings a bell.

You must be that chap who goes round saying
that doctors and medicine are unnecessary.

Well, I...I didn't exactly say that.

You see, I deal with the mind.

Of course, yes.

You see, if one thinks
that nothing will happen to one,

nothing will.

What went wrong?

Well, I must've stopped thinking for the moment.

Well, let's have a look at you.
If you'll just turn over, please.

Well, I can't. I'm in agony.

Help him, would you, Sister?

Oh, hang on a sec!
Back a bit. My thing's caught.

- I beg your pardon?
- My stethoscope...

Ouch!

Hurts a bit, does it?

Just a whimsy.

Mmm, yes, there's quite a bit of bruising there.

You... You landed on your coccyx.

I did not. I fell on my back.

Your coccyx is at the base of the spine,
Mr Bigger.

Is it?
Well, it's the first time I've heard it called that.

Well, I don't think there's any fracture,
but we'll X-ray first thing tomorrow.

X-ray?!

Now, what could be wrong?

It's just a precautionary measure, Mr Bigger.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

- Do you think you'll be able to sleep all right?
- Yes, of course. You've been a real comfort.

I'll give you a local jab to kill the pain,
if you'll just turn over.

Turn over, turn here, turn there!
I wish I'd never come here in the first place.

Oh, get out of it!

Thank you, Nurse.

Sorry, Sister.

Fine. Now, this isn't going to hurt.

Argh!

Er, who...

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

I'm afraid I must have overslept.

- What time is it?
- Six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

- In the morning?
- Yes, that's right.

Did you have a good night?

I'll let you know when it's over.

Under the tongue. Mouth closed.

Nurse? Have you any news?

No, I'm afraid your baby hasn't arrived yet,
Mr Barron.

Oh, no. Well, it should have done.

All night long I've been having the vapours.

(Sighs) Don't tell me.

Wet and windy.

You're quite normal, Mr Bigger.

Well, I shan't be if I stay here much longer.

Is it all right if I finish my sleep now?

- By all means.
- Thank you.

Sleep's good for you.

(Sighs)

(Crashing)

Tea up.

Tea.

Ugh! That's not what I would call it.

(Crashing)

Oh!

Washie time.

Look, I don't want washie time!

Stop!

Oh, I wouldn't put that in my mouth if I were you.
It might explode.

I hope not.
Matron doesn't approve of banging in the wards.

Right, Mr Roper...

Don't tell me it's gone up again.

Oh, I'm afraid so.

(Tuts)

I don't understand it. I just don't understand it.

There, that's better, isn't it?

Yes. I've been looking forward to that all night.

Good morning.

(Crashing)

(Mouths)

Cow!

I dreamt about you last night, Nurse.

Did you?

No, you wouldn't let me.

- Morning, Mr Smith.
- Ooh! Oh...

(Crashing)

(Crashing and banging)

Try and use it, Mr Bigger.

Thank you. It's just what I needed.

No. stop messing about!

- I beg your pardon?
- We must do this again sometime.

I must congratulate you, Hardcastle.

You did a beautiful job.

The chap might even live.

Providing you took the right one out, of course!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Dr Tinkle.

And thank you
for doing the sewing up for me, and...

It's quite a neat job, that.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?
I used a running chain stitch, you know.

Really?

- Mm. Much more decorative.
- Is that so, yeah?

I don't know... I just don't seem
to be able to handle a needle myself.

I don't know why.

- Er, allow me.
- Oh, that's very kind of you.

Thank you very much. Right.
Well, I'll be getting changed now, then.

Yes, get the old butcher's apron off, eh?

- Oh, good morning, Dr Tinkle.
- Good morning, Matron. How are you?

- Very well, thank you. And you?
- Fine, fine.

But don't let's talk shop, eh?

Anything interesting come in during the night?

Only a man with an injured back.

As you weren't here,
I'm afraid Dr Kilmore had to treat him.

Never mind, never mind.
We may be able to save the poor chap yet.

I'll see him on my rounds,
after I've cleaned up a bit.

I didn't know
you were assisting Mr Hardcastle this morning.

You know how it is, Matron.

These surgeons are all right for a quick slash
and a fast grope round,

but when it comes to cleaning up the mess,
it's a doctor that's needed.

Oh, how right you are, Doctor.

(Thinks) What a wonderful man you are.

Oh, how I love you!

(Thinks) Oh, how I love you.

Well, I'll be off now.

Have you the right time, Doctor, please?

Yes, of course. It's um...

- Where's my watch?
- You must've taken it off.

No, no. I distinctly remember having it on
when I started to sew that fellow...

Oh, no!

And it was an alarm, too.

All right, Sister.

Wheel him back.

Morning, all.

ALL: Morning, doc.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She's having a baby in the spring.

Hello. What happened to old Mind-Over-Matter?

Oh, Mr Bigger, you mean?

He wanted to be moved to a private room.
It was too noisy for him in here.

Couldn't hear himself think, eh?

Hello, Ken. Nurse tells me
you want to have a word with me.

Yeah, that's right, doc.
But alone, if you don't mind.

Oh, pardon me. Have you done with the bottle?

Yeah, you take it.
You'll get fourpence back on it, maybe!

What's the problem?

Well, it's like this... Do you have anything
to do with the women in here?

- Mind your own business.
- Eh?

No, I mean in the women's wards.

Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, no, no.

I always get the uninteresting jobs
around here. Why?

Well, I was just wondering
if you could slip a little note to one of them.

Mr Biddle,
you're asking me to break hospital rules,

and I quote: "Staff will not allow, nor encourage,

fraternisation
between male and female patients."

I don't want to get fraternal with her, doc.
Far from it.

All right. Give it to me, then.

Thanks, doc.
She's in the ward at the end of the corridor.

- Third bed on the left.
- Third bed on the left...

- Right.
- No, left.

Right.

Eh?

But why do I have to be moved, Matron?

I understand from Sister one of the male
patients has been bothering you,

peering through the door.

But that doesn't bother me, Matron, really.

It bothers me. This is a hospital, not a fish tank.

Well, well, and how are we this morning?

(Mumbles) Excuse me a minute.

(Clicking)

That's better.

Yes, it is.

Did you want to examine me, Doctor?

Oh, oh, no, no. No, no!

No, no, I just brought a note in for you.

A note? For me?

Oh, I say! Fancy someone sending me a note!

Yes, fancy.

Ooh, yes!

That's a very good one.

Wouldn't you agree, Matron?

I've seldom seen a better appendectomy scar,
Doctor.

There's only one thing I don't get, Doctor.

Why've I got two other scars-
one here, and one here?

My dear man,
an appendix is smaller than a golf ball.

And you know
how difficult they are to find sometimes.

- Oh, I see.
- Yes, the stitches can come out today.

- How long's that cast been on?
- Eight days, Doctor.

Then, Mr Biddle, in that case,
I think it's high time you had it off.

I've been lying here thinking the same thing.

Well, Mr Smith, how is it today?

Ah! Still very sore, Doctor.

Your own fault.
Should've had it done years ago.

Oh!

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh!

Oh, I thought you might be a man coming in.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm Nurse Clarke.

This is my room.

Oh, yes. I've just arrived,
and they told me I was to share with you.

I'm Sandra. Sandra May.

Glad to have you, Sandra.

Are you a trainee?

That's right.
I was told to report to Fosdick Ward right away.

Say, will Doctor Tinkle be there?

Probably. Why, do you know him?

Know him!

Just look.

"To darling Sandra, my first case."

That's me.

How nice.

He saved my life. He's terrific.

He's a life-giving doll.

Temperature 106?! Have you been reading
Playboy magazine again?

What are you talking about?
I'm a sick man.

You've been here ten weeks,
and I can find nothing wrong with you.

- Can I help it if you don't know your job?
- That's ridiculous.

With a temperature of 106, you're dead.

Well, don't just stand there- bury me.

It's certainly a very puzzling case, Doctor.

It's an enigma.
That's what it is, Matron. An enigma.

I am not having another one of those!

I'm determined
to either kill this or cure it, Matron.

I want a blood pressure test, a barium test,

a brain electrolysis,

chest and stomach X-rays,
saliva, blood and urine analyses.

What was all that?

And while you're about it, syringe his ears out.

- Is nobody in that bed?
- That was Mr Bigger.

- Oh, yes. I'd better see him next.
- He's in X-ray at the moment, Doctor.

Thank you.

Right, Nurse, undo his gown, please.

Right. Smile, please.

Smile?

What with?

I'm terribly sorry. Force of habit.

I used to be a top portrait photographer.

Did you? Well, you've reached the bottom now,
haven't you?

(Clears throat) All right, here we go, then.

Let's see those dimples.

Argh!

Oh, dear. There goes another tube.

(Rings bell)

What about that, then!

What?

Phwoar!

Argh!

Oh!

Mr Bigger! What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a No.7 bus.

Not now.

Cor!

I'm Nurse May. I was told to report here, Sister.

- I'll be with you in a moment.
- Hi.

(Explodes)

MR BIGGER: Oh, dear, dear!

Oh, no you don't.

Oh, I saw that film.

I thought you'd like to smell it.

Mmm, lovely.

Yes, well, that's different.

They stuff you full of everything here.

A lady brought them for you.
Would you like to see her for a few minutes?

- Oh, all right, I might as well.
- Come on, then, up you sit.

Oh, dear!

Argh!

You can come in now. Miss Gibson.

(Groans)

Oh, hello, dear. Nice of you to come.

Nice of you to come.

Well, sit down.

Sit down!

I...I thought I'd just pop in to cheer you up.

Yes, it was a nice thought, dear.

Nice thought!

Yes.

- Oh, Mr Bigger!
- Oh, blimey!

It's all right, dear. All right!

Oh, Mr Bigger!

Oh, that's all I need!

(Wailing)

- This is Mr Bigger, Doctor.
- Oh, how do you do?

How do you do, Mr Bigger?
I'm Doctor Tinkle, the senior physician.

Well, I'm glad you've come, Doctor,
cos I am in agony, what with my back and her.

(Wails)

Oh, shut up!

Well, I'll examine you,
and we'll soon find out what's wrong.

Would you mind waiting outside, please?

I'm afraid she's a bit mutt, Doctor.

Yes, well, I'm afraid she'll have to go.

I've been saying that for years. Chloe?

You'll have to waitoutside. dear.

Outside!

MR BIGGER: Wait!
- This way.

I'll see if Mr Bigger's X-ray is ready, Doctor.

Thank you, Matron. Please, turn over.

Oh, dear. Much more of this,
I shall have the best-known backside in town.

Oh, a slight bruising, certainly, yes.
No bleeding. Good.

Just like the service round here.

- Arrgh!
- Did that hurt?

- Of course it did!
- Good.

Here is the X-ray of the posterior area, Doctor.

It's a bit fuzzy, I'm afraid.

So would yours be,
if a contrivance had exploded all over it.

DR TINKLE: No spinal damage.
Slight curvature, perhaps.

Mr Bigger,

did you have any weaknesses as a boy?

Pardon?

Did you have any weaknesses as a boy?

Er, well...

- Do I have to answer that?
- Certainly.

Well...

I used to like pinching little girls' yo-yos.

With your back, I meant!

Oh, ah...

Why?

You've a slight curvature, that's all.

That's all?!

Far too late to do anything about it, I'm afraid.

What do you mean, too late?

What I say. It's past treatment.
It's a waste of time your being here.

- You might as well go home.
- Go home?!

With my poor back?

There's nothing we can do about it,
Mr Bigger, nothing at all.

What does he mean.

nothing you can do?

Just what he says, Mr Bigger.

Dr Tinkle is a brilliant physician,
and if he says nothing can be done,

you can be sure he is right.

But there must be something!

We can't waste valuable hospital time and space

accommodating idiots
with simple bruises on their simple backsides.

I quite agree, Doctor.

Excuse me, Doctor,
but is Mr Bigger going to be all right?

Are you his next of kin?

I beg your pardon?

(Shouts) Are you his next of kin?

Oh, no, not yet, but any day now.

What do you mean, any day now?

Well, we've had a sort of understanding
for the past 11 years,

so I'm kind of on the verge,

if you know what I mean.

If there's anything wrong with me,
I've got a right to know.

Oh, well, I really am most glad
to know that everything's going to be all right,

but it would be nice
if he could stay here for a few weeks.

I'm sorry, madam, we need the beds.

Oh, yes, well, of course, I quite understand,

but poor Mr Bigger has been working so hard.

He needs a good rest, you know, the poor man.

And I mean,
it isn't as if he wouldn't be paying for it.

All right, then. All right, all right.

(Sighs)

DR TINKLE: But I warn you. Miss Gibson.
I can only give him a week at the most.

Only a week?

I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid that's the way it is.

(Whimpers)

A week!

A week at the most!

Oh!

Oh...

Of course, the trouble nowadays, Matron,
is we're breeding a race of weaklings.

Neurotic idiots
with no emotional stamina or physical stability.

Though, fortunately,
there are one or two of us left that can still...

That girl!

DR TINKLE: What's she doing here?
MATRON: Which girl?

The nurse in the sluice room!

- There's no-one in the sluice room, Doctor.
- No...

Are you all right, Doctor?

Am I all right? Of course I'm all right.

All right? Yes.
Why shouldn't... Why shouldn't I be...all right?

(Laughs hysterically) Yes, I'm fine!

Doctor? Doctor!

(Whispers) Yes! Yes!

Crikey, what have I done?

Here comes the poor bleedin' visitors.

Yep. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

Them or the poor muckers they're visiting.

- Wotcher, Ken.
- Hello, Fred, mate.

- How's it going, then?
- Oh, not so bad. I got the old plaster off.

Oh, good, good. That's marvellous.

Well...

Well...

Well, so you're...going on all right, then, eh?

Good, good. That's good.

(Sighs)

Well, here I am again, dear.

How are you feeling this evening?

Not too good, Mildred.

I can't seem to keep anything down.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Well, never mind, dear. Won't be long now.

I hope not.

Oh, Mildred,
I will be all right after baby comes, won't I?

Oh, course you will, my dear.

Here, look.
I brought you a nice bottle of eau de Cologne.

Now, would you like me
to rub some of that on your forehead?

Thank you, dear.

It might hurry it up.

Well... So, you're going on all right, then, eh?

Good. Good.

Well, I mustn't overstay my welcome.

No, don't go.
I want you to do something for me.

Anything, Ken, mate. You know that.

Look, there's a bird in the women's ward,
down the corridor.

Oh, ho, you are feeling better, aren't you?

Never mind that.
She was in the third bed on the left,

but they've moved her,
and I want to know where.

Leave it to me. What does she look like?

Well, she's got close-cropped brown hair,

- hazel eyes...
- A fair complexion...

- Very fair.
- It's as good as done.

You know me.
The old expert in cherchez la femme.

Hello, love.

- You're late.
- I stopped to get you some lovely, nice grapes.

Argh!

Blimey, not again! I don't like grapes.

Oh, go on. You know they're good for you.
How's it feel?

Rotten. It's as sore as hell.

You should never have
made me had it done. Not at my age.

Well, you couldn't go on walking about like that,
with a great, big lump,

getting bigger and bigger all the time.

It's... It's not nice.

Besides,
it was starting to show through your clothes.

I found her, right down the end, on the right.

And a bit of all right, too.
Do you want me to give her a message?

No, I want to talk to her myself.

That should be easy.
Get them to move you to the next bed.

Oh, highly comical.

If I could just get...

Here...

- Did she have any visitors?
- Not when I looked in, no.

I got an idea.
Pull them curtains across quick, Fred.

Well, how long are you going to be here,
that's what I want to know.

I told you, I don't know!
They can't find out what's wrong with me.

I could tell 'em.
You're bone lazy, that's what's wrong with you.

Why do you have to keep on and on and on?
You're supposed to come here to cheer me up.

Cheer you up?
What do you need cheering up about?

Lying here, being waited on hand and foot,
all your meals brought...

Don't even have to walk to the lav.

Will you get it into your thick head,
I'm all run down.

I've been working too hard.

That's a laugh. You haven't
done a stroke of work for three years.

Go on, chuck it up in my face.
Is it my fault the labour couldn't find me a job?

Yes, when you put yourself down
as a hansom cab lamp fitter.

Can I help it if I'm a craftsman?

Oh, it's always all right for you.

What about me and the kids?
You never give a thought to us.

Oh, no, we could all starve, for all you care.

How you expect me to cope on the money
you bring home from the dole, I'll never know.

What with the kids to clothe and feed,
and the rent going up...

I just don't know
how I manage to make ends meet.

I've hardly been able
to go up the bingo this week.

Only three times, that's all.

Oh, Nurse, it is all right for me to visit Mr Bigger?

Oh, certainly. Go right on in.

Oh, would you like me
to put those in a vase for you?

Oh, yes, thank you so much.

Mr Bigger's very fond of fresh flowers,
especially chrysanthemums.

He's never without a pot by his bed.

- Hello!
- Hello, there.

Have you been discharged?

No, but I had to get to talk to you somehow,
didn't I?

Don't worry. If anybody comes,
just tell them I'm your husband or something.

I haven't got a husband.

Neither have I.

A wife, I mean.

Oh, I brought these for you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, they're lovely.

Not bad.

They're the best I could knock off, anyway.

My name's Ken, by the way. Ken Biddle.

Mine's Mavis.

Don't laugh. Mavis Winkle.

I should've brought a pin.

Do you like it here?

Well, it's very nice, really.

Yeah, it's not too bad, I suppose.

Do you come here often?

Wait a minute.

Dear Chloe, poor old soul.

Chloe, you've served me
very faithfully for many years,

and I haven't treated you very well, have I?

Now, you mustn't say that, Mr Bigger.

I told you right at the start,

I...I would not accept a salary.

I know, but I could have offered you one,
couldn't I?

I'll...I'll come back tomorrow.

Chloe,

I am going to make it up to you somehow,
if it's the last thing I do.

Oh, Mr Bigger!

Chloe,

would you give me a kiss?

Why, Mr Bigger, you...

You've never asked me
to do anything like that before.

- Mr Biddle?
- No.

- I mean, yes.
- Sister says you've got to have this.

- Oh. What is it?
- Castor oil.

All of it, Mr Biddle.

There's a good boy.

(Nurse giggles)

- Enjoying yourself?
- (Spits)

Sounds like it. I thought you'd had an accident.

What with her staying out half the night,

then coming home smelling of drink
and I don't know what.

Not that you care. Oh, no.

Let the kids go to pot,
just so long as you get your beer.

(Bell)

Well, time's up.

I'd better get,
before Sister starts buzzing around.

Will you be able to come again?
I...I don't have anybody to visit me.

Just try and stop me.

Look after yourself.

And you. Bye.

Bye.

Why, Mr Biddle!

All visitors out, please. Come along.

Come on, Fred! Quick, out.

(Gastric rumble)

..overflowed again,
and come right through the sitting room ceiling.

The number of times I begged you
to do something about that flush...

(Bell)

Oh. no.

The house could fall down,
you wouldn't even notice it.

- That's it, time's up.
- What, already?

I've hardly had time to tell you a thing.

That's all right, it'll keep.
You'll be back tomorrow, I suppose.

Oh, no, I can't. Not tomorrow.
I'm going to the dogs.

You can say that again.

Oh, well, I better be off, then.

Ah...

Here, we seem to have got through
them grapes pretty quick, didn't we?

- We did.
- Never mind. I'll bring you some more tomorrow.

Is it time, Sister?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Oh, too bad.

Looks like you'll have to go, Fred.

You're not kidding.

Good evening.

Oh, hi.

Oh, what a lovely-looking pear.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

(Chuckles)

Oh!

Oh! Oh, I'm most terribly sorry.

Oh, well, that's quite all right.
It was my...my fault.

No, I just wasn't looking where I was going.

Is something the matter?

I was looking for Doctor Tinkle's room.

Oh... Oh, that's staff rooms.
That's the second floor up.

You turn left as you come out of the lift,
and it's the second door on...on the left.

Oh, thanks.

You're so sweet.

Yes, I am.

Oh, no, no, wait a minute!
You're not allowed up there!

No, hospital regulations.
"Female staff must not enter male staff's rooms."

Oh, Lord!

(Knocking)

What is it?

Argh!

Oh! Oh, Kenneth, darling, are you all right?

Yes.

You! Then it was you in the sluice room!

I was hoping it was hallucinations.

- Lucy who?
- Lucy Nation. You remember her? The girl...

What am I talking about, and what are you
doing here? You must get out at once!

But I only just got here.

Yes, but you don't understand.
It's not safe. Somebody might come in.

Oh, that's right, dear Kenneth.

You always think of everything.

No, no, what are you doing? You can't stay here.

But, Kenneth, darling, I came to repay my debt.

You don't owe me anything.

Have you forgotten? You saved my life.

All I did was treat you for tonsillitis.
It was nothing.

You can't kid me. You came to visit me
in my room every night for months afterwards.

That was merely professional courtesy.
You were in no danger.

No? Then why did you
keep giving me the kiss of life?

Well. even if I did. you don'towe me anything.

Don't you understand?
Nowadays. you get it for nothing.

You don't have to pay for it.

What about all those wonderful things
you used to say to me?

All about my cute little tibia,
and how I had beautifully enlarged glands?

Dr Kilmore?

Dr Kilmore?

Dr Kilmore!
Why are you listening at Dr Tinkle's door?

What was that?

Why are you listening at Dr Tinkle's door?

Was I? Oh. Oh, yes...

I thought I heard a deathwatch beetle.

Really? Then we'd better inform Dr Tinkle.

No. You can't go in there.

Now, will you kindly open that door
and leave my room?

No! Not until you say you love me.

Very well.

Stand aside from the door, please.

- No.
- Very well.

Oh!

Dr Tinkle, I'd never have believed it!

Matron, let me explain.

This girl's mad. She forced her way
into my room and tried to attack me.

Oh, that's not true! I wouldn't hurt him. I love him!

DR KILMORE: You do?
- Yes.

She must be crazy.

Return to your room.
I'll deal with you in the morning!

I don't care what you do to me.

Without him, I don't even want to go on living!

You see what I mean? She's absolutely crazy.

Bluebeard!

Doctor, you saw what happened.
You'll back me up, won't you?

What... What are you looking at me like that for?

I was just thinking,
what a cute little tibia you have.

(Siren)

Here we are, then, sonny.

If I've told him once,
I've told him a thousand times...

- How did that happen?
- They was playing soldiers.

- Come on.
- He must have been one of the Jerries.

Poor little fella.

Never mind "poor little fella".
What about poor Grandad?

He's bedridden and relies on that.

- Good morning, Matron.
- Good morning, Doctor.

Matron, about last night...

I don't think we should discuss it any more,
Dr Tinkle.

Oh, I'm glad you feel that way about it, Matron.

I agree.
I think the whole matter is best forgotten.

Naturally, I have suspended trainee nurse May,
and confined her to her room.

Very sensible. Probably better to dismiss her
altogether. A bad influence, you know.

That will be up to the hospital committee
to decide,

after I've put in my full report.

Oh, we don't need to bother with them, do we?
Just give her the push, quietly.

It's not as simple as that, Doctor.

They will want to know
what that girl was doing in your room.

Oh, we don't want to tell them all that.

Can't it just be our little secret, eh?

What about Doctor Kilmore?
He saw it too, remember.

Yes, but I'm sure we can find a way
of fixing him between us.

Well, naturally, I don't want to jeopardise
your position here unnecessarily, Doctor.

Of course you don't, Matron. Perhaps we could
discuss this over a quiet little dinner tonight,

just the two of us?

Oh, that would be rather nice.

The pleasure would be all mine, Matron.

Oh... Well, I think I can promise you, Doctor,

you won't be disappointed.

Young chickens may be soft and tender,

but the older birds have more on them.

True.

And take a lot more stuffing.

Thank you, Doctor.
It won't happen again, I promise you.

Don't forget your helmet.

Got to get that back to his poor grandad.
Let's hope we're in time.

Come on, you little devil.

Ah, Nurse Clarke?
Just the person I wanted to see.

Oh, really, Doctor? What about?

Oh, well, it's about the girl
you share a room with.

Oh. Nurse May, you mean?

That's right. I was going to ask you
if you could keep an eye on her.

There are enough people doing that,
if you ask me.

She had a spot of trouble last night
and she got very emotionally upset.

She seemed all right when I left her.

Seriously, though, Nurse, there's a chance
she may do something very silly.

You don't mean...

Oh, I can't believe that, Doctor.

Well, anything can happen in a hospital, Nurse.

Little devil, you done it on purpose!

Oh, no, not again, surely.

Little swine! He dropped it
just as I stepped off the kerb.

I don't really need that, thank you, Nurse.

Use it as soon as you can, Mr Roper.

Dr Tinkle wants a specimen for analysis.

He does, does he?

I'm not at all satisfied with the progress
some of these patients are making, Matron.

- I think we're being far too easy on them.
- I quite agree with you, Doctor.

Mr Biddle, still making your frequent trips
down the corridor?

Yes, thank you, Doctor.
I'm enjoying getting about a bit.

You are not here to enjoy yourself, Mr Biddle.

In future, Matron,
I want this patient restricted to his bed.

Yes, Doctor.

Good morning, Mr Smith.

Oh, yes, we'll have those stitches out today.

Oh. Will I have an anaesthetic, Doctor?

Certainly not!

- Won't it hurt?
- Yes, it will hurt, and I want it to hurt.

Perhaps next time you consider having a lump,
you'll think twice about it.

Good morning, Mr Roper.

Yep.

Ah, temperature four degrees
below normal today.

- No.
- Yes.

- I can't understand that.
- Perhaps the tea was cold this morning.

- I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you?

Now that it's down,
we must endeavour to keep it down.

Matron, give Mr Roper ice-water baths
every four hours.

- Ice water!
- Day and night.

That ought to do it, Doctor.

Ah, Mr Barron. I've been reading
the psychologist's report on you.

He seems to think
you're suffering from a sympathetic pregnancy.

Oh, no, Doctor, I'm just going to have a baby.

By that he means you're feeling all the ill-effects
normally experienced by a mother-to-be.

Yes, I suppose you could put it like that.

Quite, and since you've insisted
on assuming the role of a mother,

we've decided to play along with you.

Oh, Doctor, how splendid!

Don't mention it.

I'd like Mr Barron to attend
all the hospital's prenatal exercise classes.

I'd better see how Mr Wrigley is progressing.

Very well, Doctor. Sit up, please, Mr Wrigley.

Ooh, I still don't like the look of him.

(Groans)

Ah, how are you feeling, Mr Bigger?

Shocking!

Doctor, I've got a green tongue.

- Dear, dear. How are your bowels?
- Well, I don't know. I haven't looked.

A good big dose for you this evening.
Now, come along, back to bed.

Is the back still painful?

Oh, yes! Never mind. What does it matter?

It's only a question of time.

Oh, don't be like that, Mr Bigger.

We must do what we can for you.
You're not going to be with us for long.

Well, don't keep harping on it.
You'll be measuring me up for my coffin next.

I don't think that'll be necessary.

No. With the National Health Service,

I shall be lucky to get an old tea chest.

A tea crate!

Matron, I think we'll try a bit of traction
on Mr Bigger.

- A bit of traction.
- A bit of what?

Traction. It's a system of heavy weights
designed to stretch you.

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

No, thank you. I'd rather lie here and shrivel.

Traction is considered
a very effective treatment for back trouble.

Look, I don't...

Effective?

What, you mean I might even live?

I'm sure you will. Nobody's died of it yet.

Well, don't just stand there. Get your tractor out.

? Rock'n'roll on the radio

It's Mr Roper's.

Oh, the temperature king, eh?

Let's see.

I may be wrong, Nurse,
but I think Mr Roper is producing neat Scotch.

This is very interesting.

Dr Kilmore!

What is it?

- Look!
- Where, where?

Oh, good grief!

- Don't!
- Don't shout at her like that.

That's the worst thing you could do.

We've got to try and stop her.

We must reason with her, quietly.
Try and talk her out of it. Come on.

(Screeching of brakes)

(Gasps and wheezes)

- Which room?
- That one.

It's locked.

The roof, quick.

(Screams)

It's all right, it's only me.

Go away, you dirty Peeping Tom!

See, I didn't know that you were sunbathing.

I thought you were going to jump.

(Screams)

What's all the screaming?

I don't know.

Blimey! Look!

A rooftop drama!

NURSE MAY: Argh!

Have a look at this!

What is it?

What is going on in here?
Get back in your beds at once!

And miss this? Not on your nelly.

What's going on in here?

What do you think you're doing?

Come down at once!

Oh, he must be mad.
I always suspected he was unstable.

Unstable's the word. Look at the idiot.

Oh!

What is it? What's happened?

N...Nothing. It's all right. I'm coming back now.

DR KILMORE: Whoa!

Argh!

(All gasp)

Oh!

Hold on!

I'm coming.

Oh!

Argh!

Help!

Don't move.

Don't move? I can't move!

I'm here.

Hold on.

I'll never reach it.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh!

I hope...

Grab hold of my leg.

Got it.

I'm OK. Climb up me.

Argh!

Help!

Oh!

(Siren)

Argh!

Agh!

Arrgh!

Oh!

Oh...

Dread... Dreadfully sorry. I...I...

I didn't realise that...that you were here.
You see, I...

I was outside, and I didn't really know...
know that you were here.

Would you like to try...try those on?

Argh!

- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm sorry. You see, I...I...

I came in through...through the window.

I...I didn't... I'm terribly...

It says here, "He tried to peep at one nurse
sunbathing in the semi-nude,

half-stripped another,
and attacked a third one in her bath."

I wonder what he has for breakfast.

That's a load of rubbish.

Doc Kilmore's not like that.

We saw him rip her skirt off, didn't we?

Not on purpose. It was an accident.

That's what I told my old woman.
I still had to marry her.

He tried to stop himself falling off the roof.

Ah, but what was he doing on the roof, eh?

Argh!

- Come along, Mr Roper. Bath time.
- Not again. My temperature's normal now.

I can't help that.
Dr Tinkle's orders, every four hours.

Here, you'll get shot if she sees you.

She won't, if she's getting the bath ready for him.

Uh-oh.

Mr Biddle?

- Is that what you want?
- Yes, thank you.

Another time, just ring for it.

Oh, ding-dong.

Oh!

- Come along, Mr Roper.
- All right, all right, I'm coming.

Where's Mr Barron?

Still at classes. It's all right for him.

Right leg raised, two, three,

lower, two, three.

Both legs raised, two...

Come on, Mr Barron. You're not trying.

Argh!

Lower, two, three.

Right leg raised, two, three.

Lower, two, three.

Now, sit up, ladies.

Arms above the heads.

Breathe in, two, three,

out. two. three.

Let me go back to bed. I'm all right now.

- Here's the ice, Sister.
- Put it in the bath.

- I'm not having that again!
- In you go, and get undressed.

Excuse me, Sister?

I am from Cox & Carter,
about the new rubber sheets.

I'm rather busy now.

I don't need to bother you, Sister.
I only want to measure the beds for size.

They're all the same.
Use one of the private rooms over there.

Now, come along, Mr Roper. It's...

Don't be a baby. Mr Roper. It's only ice.

I know itis. I just saton a lump!

Never!

Never again, never. From now on, it's the pill.

(Whimpers)

Morning, sir. Beg your pardon.
I didn't mean to disturb you.

You fiend!
You might at least have waited till I've gone.

Sister wanted me to do it now, sir.

I shall do you now, if you don't get out.
Now, go on, get out of here!

- Go on, get out!
- I'm sorry. I only want to make my living.

You grave robber!

If I get my hands on you, I'll...

They don't want rubber sheets here,
they want straitjackets.

- Good luck.
- I think I'm going to need it.

Maybe this will help.

When you're quite ready, Dr Kilmore.

- They're waiting for you.
- Er, yes, right, Matron.

You are not needed, Nurse Clarke.
You may return to your duties.

Ah, there you are, Kilmore.

You know Sir Edmund Burke,
chairman of the committee, I believe?

We did bump into each other once before.

Bumped is right.
He went into the back of my Jag.

Did 40 quids worth of damage.

Very unfortunate, but I'm sure you won't allow
that to influence your decision in this case?

Of course not.
Any man is entitled to make a mistake.

Provided he doesn't make a ruddy habit of it.

- Do sit down, Kilmore.
- Thank you.

Aye, well, I'm known as a fair man,

and I intend to conduct this inquiry
in a fair and just manner. Understood?

Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.

Well, what the hell are you, then?
A sex maniac or summat?

What?! Oh, that's hardly fair, sir.

If it was me, peeking at girls in the half-raw,

stripping them, and mucking about with them
in baths, what would I be?

A wishful thinker?

(Gasps)

Now, then, Kilmore,
rudeness will get you nowhere, you know.

I'm sorry, but I just want to make an explanation.

What were you doing on the roof
of the nurses' home?

Well, sir,
I saw Nurse May climb through the window,

and, naturally, I thought she was going to jump.

- Why should she do that?
- Because of what happened the night before.

What did you do to her the night before?

I didn't do anything to her. It was...

Go on, Kilmore.
I want Sir Edmund to hear your full story.

All right, then.
Dr Tinkle had a row with her in his room,

and she got very upset.

A row? In my room?

Yes.

Matron was there. She can tell you.

Well, Matron?

I haven't the least idea
what Dr Kilmore is talking about.

But this is absurd!

Nurse May. Get her in and ask her.

Oh, yes, I'd like to see her.
I've heard she's quite...

(Clears throat)

I'm afraid that's not possible. Nurse May has left.

She was so upset by Dr Kilmore's conduct.

I don't blame her.

But...

Nurse Clarke. Now, she'll back me up.
She thought Nurse May was going to jump too.

Is that right, Matron?

I'm sure she'd back him up, Sir Edmund.

Nurse Clarke has what is commonly known
as a crush on Dr Kilmore.

Has she really?

They were kissing outside the door just now.

I was right. He is a sex maniac!

What's the matter?
Don't you ever have enough?

I've had enough of this farce.
I know when I'm licked.

And don't bother to sack me. I resign!

And you can stick this job
in the "wanted" column.

Your resignation is accepted, Doctor,
and don't bother asking me for a reference!

I wouldn't ask you for an aspirin tablet,
you old poop face!

What did you call me?

Poop face!

P-O-O-P.

Poop.

- Poop face?
- That's what I heard! That's what he called him.

- Well, good for old Dr Kilmore.
- Excuse me?

Poop face!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, sorry. Not you, Chaplain.

I'm wondering
where I can find Mr Francis Bigger.

Oh, he's in the privates.

Pardon?

In the private wards!
You go through the door and turn left.

Thank you so much.

Here, what does he want him for?
Has he had it?

Haven't you heard? He's getting married.

Here's the chaplain, Mr Bigger.

- Oh, how do you do?
- How do you do? How do you do?

Yes...

Well, have you got the licence, dear?

The licence!

Licence.

That's the style. No, dear. That's for the dog.

The one for the other thing.

The licence! Yes.

That's better.

Now... Have you got the ring?

The ring!

Gold. You didn't have to go mad, dear.

I said, "You didn't have to go mad."

Oh, no, it didn't cost me anything.

It was my mother's wedding ring.

Really? Hmm.

You didn't tell me she was married.

Do you still want me to be a bridesmaid?

Yes, please, Nurse, if you would.

And someone should give Miss Gibson away.

They'll have to.
They'll never get anything for her.

I beg your pardon.

Don't worry. I'll find someone.

I...I haven't conducted a wedding
in hospital before.

Oh... Well, look, Your Reverence,

we just want a simple ceremony.

Nothing expensive.
Just the "don't yous" or "do yous",

and no organ, and no sex chat.

I beg your pardon?
I'm afraid my battery's a bit low.

I can certainly pick 'em.

Sorry, Fred, but I did promise her faithful
I'd go and visit her again.

I'm warning you, if they come round
with any more of that medicine, I'm off.

Talk about running.
I must have broken all records.

Mr Biddle? What do you think you're doing?

- Sorry. No speak-a Engleesh.
- Just a moment, Mr Biddle. I want you.

Oh, come off it, Nurse.

Please. I only want to visit somebody
for a few minutes.

I have a job for you first, Mr Biddle.

- But there's only ten minutes' visiting left, Nurse.
- It shouldn't take that long.

Oh! In here.

Oh, Sister?

Would you mind telling my husband
I won't be able to visit him this evening?

Only, it's started.

Do you, Francis Kitchener Bigger,
take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

I do!

Do you, Chloe Gibson, take this man
to be your lawful, wedded husband?

I do!

No, he's asking you.

Do you, etcetera etcetera?

Oh, yes.

- Well, dear, look, don't tell me, tell him.
- I do.

Yeah, she does!

I do!

All right, dear.

Any longer, I shall be too tired
for my honeymoon.

Hurry up.

Have you got the ring?

The ring? What ring?

Ring. Ring!

Where's the ring?

No, dear, I don't want it. Give it to the referee.

No, no! The best man should have it.

Right, now, we've got that sorted out.
What happens next?

The best man hands it to the bridegroom.

Thank you.

Now, repeat after me...

Will you speak up, because she cannot hear!

With this ring,

- I thee wed.
- Louder.

With this ring, I thee wed!

Now you, dear. Go on.

With this ring, I thee wed.

Will you speak up. dear?

With this ring, I thee wed!

(Bell)

..and have declared the same
by giving and receiving of a ring,

and by joining of hands,

I pronounce that they be man and wife together.

Congratulations.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

- Good evening, all.
- Evening, doc.

Just looked in to say goodbye.

I'm off first thing in the morning.

I've got a better job, up north.

You don't have to kid us, doc.
We've heard all about it.

Oh...

Oh, I see.

I thought they ought to know the truth.

It wasn't fair, the way they treated you.

Well...can't be helped.

Well...

Oh, one last story.

Did you hear about the little boy
who swallowed half-a-crown?

No.

Two days later his mother phoned
to see how he was, and they said,

"There's still no change."

Oh, well. Bye.

MR ROPER: Ta-ta, doc.
MR BIDDLE: Bye, doc.

Ah, now, come on. That's enough of that.

Look at all the smudges you're putting on that.

Cheer up, Nurse. That won't do any good.

I bet Florence Nightingale never cried.

No. Would've put her lamp out.

I can't help it. It's all so unfair.

But you know what really happened.
Why don't you go and tell them?

They'd never believe me.
Not after Matron and Dr Tinkle.

She can't do anything.
They've got him by the aniseeds.

That Dr Tinkle! If I got hold of him,
I'd shove a catheter right up his nostril.

Good idea. Here, why don't all us patients
go and have a talk with Tinkle?

Lovely. But what about Matron and Sister?

The women patients'll take care of that.

Why don't you get something organised
with that bird of yours?

- Mavis?
- Yes.

Uh-oh...

I'll never get past her.

There must be some way
of getting you into that ward.

- Nurse Clarke.
- You can't get her mixed up in this.

She'd lose her job.

It wouldn't be her fault if she left her uniform
lying about and somebody used it.

It's all clear. Come on.

Hey. Nurse?

Pull your knicker up.

Nurse, give this suppository
to Miss Morris in bed three.

Good evening.

Mavis?

- Ted, what on earth...
- Shh!

I had to get to see you somehow.

- Listen, have you heard about Dr Kilmore?
- I'll say. I thought it was rotten.

Some of us are going to do something about it.

- Are you with us?
- Yeah, rather.

Good. Get all the women who can walk
ready for action, and wait for my whistle.

- OK?
- OK.

That's my girl.

Nurse?

(High-pitched) Yes, what is it?

You want a what?

Oh. Very well. I'll go and get it for you.

(Knocking)
- What is it?

- Hello, Kenneth.
- Hello, Matron.

It's only little me.

I thought you'd be surprised.

Matron! What is it?

What do you want?

- Don't you know?
- No. What is it? Are you not feeling well?

I'm feeling wonderful. I just thought we might
have a little drink to celebrate.

Celebrate? Celebrate what?

The way we got rid of Dr Kilmore
and that silly girl.

Oh, that. Yes. Well, I appreciate your help
in that matter, Matron,

and I'd like to have a drink with you sometime...

No, now, Kenneth.

I'm in the mood.
And don't keep calling me Matron, naughty boy.

It's Lavinia.

But someone might come in, you see.
You must leave my room at once.

No, really, Matron. I mean, Lavinia.

Wouldn't it be awful, Kenneth,
if someone found out

Dr Kilmore was right about you having a girl
in your room that night?

Not that I'd want to tell anyone, of course.

Not unless I had to.

Well, perhaps just a quick one.

Phew! I'm glad I'm out of that lot.

Funny thing about that uniform.

- I was beginning to fancy you.
- Oh, shut up!

Thank you, Nurse. Thank you very much.

- Everybody ready?
ALL: Yes.

- Where will Tinkle be now?
- In his room on the top floor.

Right. Let's go.

Wait for me.

No. You'd better stay put, Mr Barron.
You're not well enough.

After all the prenatal classes
he made me go to? Not bloody likely.

Spoken like a true mother. Men, forward!

What are you doing?

Get back to your beds at once.

(Shrill whistle)

At once, do you hear, or I shall call the orderlies.

What is the meaning of this?

Having a bit of trouble, Ken?

Sister wants to call for help.
Maybe you can persuade her not to.

It'll be a pleasure. Come on, girls.

Keep away from me!

What the devil's going on?

(Sister screams)

Fancy wearing red ones under all that!

Get back in your room and keep quiet.

Oh...

And what is this, then? The revolt of the slaves?

Yeah.
We've got business to settle with Tinkle.

Tinkle? And you think I'm staying in there?

I should say so.
Up the rebels, and to hell with Burgundy.

- Where?
- Burgundy!

- I don't think she'll give you any more trouble.
- (Muffled scream)

Nice work, love.

Right, fall in. Forward march!

What's going on?

What are you lot going to?

You shouldn't be up. You should be...

What are you doing? I'll tell Dr Tinkle!

Matron, please! I'm not that kind of doctor.

Don't deny yourself, Kenneth.

We've wasted so many years.

This is our moment of fulfilment.

But I don't want to feel full...full feel... I...

You don't understand. This sort of thing
could ruin my training programme.

- Oh, forget about that, Kenneth!
- I can't forget it.

It's my duty to keep myself fit and strong.

You may not realise it
but I was once a weak man.

Once a week's enough for any man.

Kiss me, Kenneth.

Send me!
You don't know what agony it's been,

yearning for you, yearning to give you my all.

But I don't want your all.
I don't even want a little bit.

I will not be put off! Not after all I've done for you!

Matron!

Matron, no, please. Oh, your hand!

Where have you put your hand?

Well, I've heard of the bedside manner,
but this...

What do you mean by this intrusion?
What do you think you're doing?

Not what you thought of doing, that's for sure.

Matron and I were discussing business.
She came to see me about some cases.

How dare you burst into Dr Tinkle's room
in this manner? Back to your wards!

- Mavis?
- Yes?

Get this old battleship out of here.

Battleship!

Come on, girls.

Don't you dare!

What is it? What do you want?

What we want from you is a signed confession.

The matron and I weren't doing anything.
You've only got to look at her to realise that.

But we didn't mean her.
We meant you and that little nurse.

The one with the big glands.

Certainly not. You can't make me do that.

You want to bet?

You'd better get the doctor's bath ready,
Mr Roper.

Yes, Nurse. A pleasure. (Cackles)

Now, wait a minute. You've no right...

Now, look here...

All you have to do is tell the truth
about what happened to Dr Kilmore, Matron.

No, never! You'll regret this, all of you.

Not half as much as you will.
All right, girls, get the stuff.

What are you going to do?

Give you one of the most diabolical
hospital tortures ever devised.

- A blanket bath.
- No!

No!

All right, now, Mr Roper?

It's enough to freeze the barnacles
off a brass dinghy.

Get your hands off me!

All right, Mr Smith, hold him over it.

Now will you sign, Doctor?

Certainly not. You wouldn't dare.
You can't fool me.

Oh, Mr Smith, I'm surprised at you.

Oh, I'm sorry. He slipped out of my hands.

You're fools! Idiots!
You'll never force me this way!

I take a cold shower every morning.

That's it. Lukewarm water, lovely rough flannels.

You're going to love this, Matron.

- All right, girls, let's get her things off.
- Don't you dare!

We can't take a bed bath
with our clothes on, can we?

Hey, look at that! Miss Bedpan, 1968!

No!

(Shouting and screaming)

- Are you ready to tell?
- No, never!

Right!

Here we go.

Arrgh! No!

Ooh! Ooh!

Poor old Matron. That's going too far, that is.

(Matron screams)

No, no, I'll never sign.

Never! Do you hear?

Sam, Henry, stop them! Do something!

Oh!

The wind's getting up again.

Yeah. Maybe we ought to do something, eh?

Yeah. But let's have another quick look first.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

No, no, I'll tell, I'll tell, I'll tell!

Here, where have they gone?

DR TINKLE: You won't get away with it.

You won't get away with it.

Don't tell me they're going to...

(Gasps)

Where are you? I know you're here.

Answer me.

All right, you've had your fun.
I'll make a bargain with you.

Let me go and I'll say nothing
about your conduct tonight.

That's fair, isn't it?

Answer me!

Do you hear? Answer!

(Gasps)

What are you doing?

All right, you've had your fun.

Let me go.

Answer me.

Do you hear?

Answer me!

What are you doing?

You wouldn't dare.

Now. come along.

Ah!

No, you wouldn't dare.

No, come on. Let's...
Let's be reasonable about this.

Oh!

Come on, you've had your little joke.
We've all had a bit of fun.

Let me go now
and we'll forget about the whole thing, eh?

- No, don't do that. I hate it!
- Wait, wait, wait.

- So, you'll sign, then?
- I didn't say that, but I'll forget about tonight.

It looks like we'll have to proceed
with the removal as planned, Mr Bigger.

I fear so, Mr Roper.

What removal? Removal?

Cor, blimey!
Have you ever seen such a horrible one?

Oh, dear, dear, dear!

How long have you had a lump like that, Doctor?

What do you mean, a lump?
I haven't got a lump. Are you mad?

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Looks like a severe case
of water in the lower bowel,

aggravated by wind in the Upper Nile.

I heartily concur. We'll have to have it off.

- You mean, have it out?
- Have it out, and have it off.

- Right, let's go. Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

- Sharpener.
- Sharpener.

- What about the anaesthetic?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.

We want him to enjoy it, don't we?

- Argh!
- Wait, wait. We forgot to shave him.

Ah, yes, I'm glad you reminded me.
Most important.

Let me do that. I used to be a barber.

- Brush.
- Brush.

- Lather.
- Lather.

- Razor.
- Razor.

No, no, not up there.

- Down here, where his trouble is.
- Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Tinkle, it's your last chance. Will you sign?

Of course not! Do you think I'm an idiot?

You wouldn't dare do anything to me,
and you know it.

Oh, yes, I would.

Oh, yes. I've got nothing to lose.
I've only got a couple of days to live.

What are you talking about?
There's nothing wrong with you, you fool!

Oh, yes, you can say that now, but you only
gave me a week. Don't forget that!

I said you could only stay in the hospital
for a week.

- Ye... Eh?
MR BIDDLE: That's right.

Doctor Kilmore told me there was nothing
wrong with you except a few bruises

the day after they brought you in.

Are you telling me
I married that old bag for nothing?

Yes!

Now perhaps you'll stop all this nonsense
and let me up!

Not on your nelly.

I'll cut his two-faced...

Wait, wait a minute. Wait.

It's no good. He'll never sign.

Wait a minute. There's just one more chance.

You're wasting your time.
You can't do anything to frighten me!

Come on, then. Turn him over on his side.

- Right.
- No, no, no! I'll sign! I'll sign!

Doctor, just a minute.

It's poor Grandad. Oh, that little devil!

This way.

Never mind, Grandad. You'll soon have it off.

- Oh, Doctor?
- Yes, Dr Kilmore?

- I have a casualty for you.
- Oh, yes. Come this way, please.

I'll attend to it right away.

Carry on, Doctor.

And you.

Goodbye, Mr Barron.

That's a wonderful baby you've got.

Yes, isn't he?

You know, I really think it's been worth
all the suffering, don't you, dear?

Oh, yes, dear.
We could have another one if you like.

I think we ought to get home first.
I have to feed baby in an hour.

Yes.

- Bye-bye, Doctor.
- Bye, Mr Barron.

Oh, do you? I do not wish to live
in a nice little flat in Eastbourne.

- Don't be silly. I know what's best for you.
- Oh, do you?

No more traipsing round the country
giving silly lectures.

Silly lectures?!

- Yes. Rubbish.
- Rubbish?!

Rubbish, and you know it. The Bigger Way
To Health And Happiness indeed!

No. A good, steady job, that's what you need.

- Yes. I know what you need.
- What was that?

- Nothing.
- What?

- Nothing!
- Why shout?

Oh, I'm sorry. She will definitely have to go.

(Crash)
- What now?

Oh, I've done my back! My back, it's agony!

- It is agony.
- Well, I told you to mind the step.

Hurts a bit, does it, Mr Bigger?

Yes. Oh, it's agony!

I shall be here for months.

With any luck.