Original subtitles

CINEMA: Meanwhile the war has come to the kitchen.

Housewives are showing the enemy what they're made of.

Who would have guessed that a turnip could go so far.

German pocket battleships, Scharnhorst and Gneisenau

are still dodging the Allied bombing raids.

The Atlantic won't be safe until they're beneath the waves!

As the prime Minister boards one of our finest navel destroyers,

Winston Churchill thanks the boys

who have been keeping our convoys safe.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Lord Louis Mountbatten salutes his heroes home.

Following the bravery shown by his 'Commandos',

Lord Louis shakes the hands of the men who have shaken Jerry rigid.

Their raid on the Western lsles of Norway

has been a triumph of military strategy.

One grenade in the right place and bang goes another Jerry HQ!

So watch out, Adolf! Who knows where our boys will strike next.

By the right, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,

Ieft, right...

Fighting a war means doing one's job

and in the field of battle, gentlemen, every second counts.

One mistake or miscalculation and the results can be catastrophic.

Let me tell you a story.

I was sitting in a shell hole, surrounded by the enemy,

with not much left of the chap on my right.

The chap to the left was no better off.

Sitting beside me was a young soldier screaming in agony.

Never seen anything like it, rocking like a child,

clutching his head, calling for his mother.

Believe me, gentlemen,

toothache in the field is no joke.

Know what I did?

I made a stopper out of some brackish mud, a shell case from my 38

and a clove of garlic.

The chap was back in action in under two minutes

and the enemy ran like buggery when they smelt him coming.

What we do here is frontline stuff.

AlRCRAFT ENGlNES

You've all seen the RAF before and while they do their bit,

we'll do ours with an impression tray, a clear head and Poly Pliers.

AlRCRAFT ENGlNES

Let's get started. Three reasons why we use...

AlRCRAFT ENGlNES

Move!.

..wouldn't you say, Cuthbertson?

- Sir? - Your war effort is here, Private.

So let's not waste any time, alright.

An army marches on its stomach, Cuthbertson

and an army that can't bite is an army that can't fight.

What's an army that can't bite?

ALL: An army that can't fight, sir.

Well, upward and onward, the use of china clay

in the shade matching of dentures.

# JlMMY MESSENE & AL BOWLLY: Turn Your Money In Your Pocket

# If you want to be lucky Like a baby with a silver spoon

# Just turn your money in your pocket

# Whenever you see a new moon

# If you want to be happy Like a baby with a toy balloon

# Just turn your money in your pocket

# Whenever you see a new moon Oh yeah

# When you see a new moon. #

- Want a cup of tea? - Yeah. Give us a hand. >

Here, is this your mug? Look at the state of that.

That's mould that is, mould! >

- You could grow mushrooms in that. - Oh, just get on with it. >

Captain Cuthbertson to the rescue.

Ah! Ah! You saved us!

Cuthbertson!

What the bloody hell are you doing?

- Nothing, Sergeant. - Don't lie to me, soldier.

What the bloody hell is that?

It's a hand grenade, Sergeant.

I know what it is, but what is it doing in your hand?

Well... Er...

Give it to me. I said give it to me, Private.

What do we do now?

- Will it go off? - No.

Not while I'm holding the grip.

I'll go and get some help.

Wait!

Put the pin back in.

I can't... it's bent.

It's meant to be bent.

I know that but this one's bent bent.

It's bloody cold in here. Did you leave the door open? >

I've got an idea.

You better not break it.

Bugger! I think I've broken it!

No, it's alright.

Come on, Cuthbertson. We've got company.

Will it hold now I've bashed it?

Follow me!

- Where did that come from? - Bloody nowhere, sir.

- Anyone hurt? - Don't know, sir.

AlR RAlD SlRENS

Pick your feet up!

- What do you reckon? - Looks like a thousand pounder.

No, this a fart in the bath compared to a thousand pounder.

That was a 550 lb bomb dropped from the port rack of a Junkers 88.

- How do you know that? - I saw it.

(SHOUTS) Don't just stand there gawping, start clearing it up now!

All accounted for, Regimental Sergeant Major, sir.

- Casualties? - Nothing serious.

The Colonel's wife swallowed a prune stone.

- Sir! - Everybody alright?

Yes. The colonel's wife swallowed a prune stone, sir.

Bit of a mess!

< Attention!

Stand easy.

Mmm. Bit of a mess all this.

Any idea what it was?

Hut 29, sir.

- What dropped it? - Junkers 88, sir.

Must have had one left over, sir.

So you don't think they were aiming at us?

No... no, right. Point taken.

That was a bloody hand grenade.

You could have blown us all to bits and saved Adolf the bother!

Yes, Sergeant.

< You would have been on the Pathe News then!

Yes, Sergeant.

Our services are not required except for...

and exclusively for... the pulling of teeth.

Is that clear?

I just want to fight for my country, Sergeant.

Your country does not need you.

You've seen action, you know what it's like.

All I want is a posting, Sergeant.

The army wants you to do what you're told.

I joined up to fight.

You joined up to follow orders like the rest of us.

It's what we do. It's known as 'doing our bit'.

I don't want to spend the rest of my war sat on my bum making dentures.

Get out.

1 940s MUSlC

HUBBUB

King! Heard the news? Mowat's got the posting.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Sergeant. I'll have a whisky.

Whisky.

Sorry, Sergeant. Mess rules. You're out of credit.

Then make it a double.

So... they chose Mowat.

It was your... age apparently, not your experience.

On me, sir.

- Where are they sending him? - Egypt, I believe.

It's all hush-hush, like everything else that's common knowledge.

My money was on you.

Looks like you're here for the duration.

- Good luck. - Cheers, mate.

- Why don't you stay and join us? - Why don't you piss off.

Cheers! (MUTTERS) Miserable bastard!

# THE lNK SPOTS: Maybe

# Maybe you'll think of me

# When you are all alone... #

What time is it?

Main gate - five minutes. Full battledress.

# FLANAGAN & ALLEN: We're Gonna Hang Out The Washing On Siegfried Line

Move.

Here comes the Kaiser.

# We're gonna hang out the washing on the Seigfried line

Poor little bugger.

# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

# We'll just rub along without a care

# We're gonna hang out the washing...

Where are we going, Sergeant?

- Gun Hill and back? - Station.

The station?

# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

# We'll just rub along without a care

# We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line

# If that Siegfried line's still there. #

Halt.

Bring your knee up to your chest.

Give me your pay book.

What are you doing?

- Posting it. - Who to?

The Prime Minister.

Come on. We'll miss our train.

Where are we going?

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...

..Mohammed must go to the mountain.

What mountain?

Cornwall then France.

I've got dental anatomy in an hour.

Fair enough. Tell the CO your pay book is with Churchill,

along with a letter explaining you're off to invade France.

Invade France?

All aboard.

By the by, Private, in case you were wondering,

you are Absent Without Leave as from now.

I hate dental anatomy.

Dear prime Minister, by the time you receive this letter

we shall have landed safely on the coast of occupied France.

We will carry out a land-based assault on the port of Brest.

We aim to destroy the battleships, Scharnhorst and Gneisenau.

We are trained soldiers, proud to be in His Majesty's service

and willing to lose our lives for our country.

As proof of identity, we enclose our army pay books

and conclude with the army dental corps regimental motto,

'Ex Dentibus... Ensis'. 'From the teeth comes strength'.

We are your obedient servants, Sergeant peter King

and private Leslie Cuthbertson.

J ust one grenade in the right place is all it takes.

Right in the belly of the ship.

Liners, destroyers, they're all the same, oil-driven steam turbine.

One explosion, 'bang!', the whole bloody lot goes up.

I'm just going for a jimmy riddle.

This is the Queen Mary, Sergeant.

Pass and travel warrant, please.

Got a problem have we, Private?

No, Corporal.

Is this what you're after, Corporal?

Private Cuthbertson.

Sergeant King.

- Where are you off to then? - Plymouth.

- Weekend leave is it? - Yes.

A Sergeant and a Private travelling together is unusual.

Is it, Corporal?

He's my uncle.

We're staying with my aunt...

..his wife...

..Linda.

Have a nice trip.

Leave the talking to me, alright?

- He believed it. - That's not the point.

Would you gentlemen be interested in a pair of silk stockings?

That'll be one and four.

Thank you.

I've thrown one in for good measure.

- Thanks very much. - Bye.

- What are those? - Supplies.

We don't know when we're going to eat next and it's abroad.

- Do you want one now? - No.

Stop waving those stockings about.

How long do you reckon we're going to be?

Once we get a boat, four days.

What if the letter doesn't get to Mr Churchill?

I sent a birthday card to my sister in Durham and it took six weeks.

She ain't half a fibber though.

Bugger!

# CHlCK HENDERSON & JOE LOSS: My Prayer

They're not the only German battleships.

No. We'll find other ones.

St Nazaire.

- What? - South of Brest. Full of U-boats.

U-boats, yeah, even better.

- Are you sure you don't want one? - No.

Look, we don't want to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.

- Right. Sorry. - So put those in the bag.

I can't they're full... of something else.

Give them here then.

# When the twilight is gone

# And no songbird is singing

# When the twilight is gone

# You come into my heart

# And here in my heart you will stay

# While I pray. #

Turn. Left, right, left, right...

I'm running out of patience here.

I will not have deserters in my regiment.

We don't know they are deserters.

< I want these men found and punished.

I will not have this behaviour in a time of war.

I want you to find them and throw the book at them.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir. - Sir.

Bloody side show.

# My prayer is to linger with you

# At the end of the day...

What if we're caught?

We're in uniform. We'll be prisoners of war.

Not by the Germans, by the English.

They'll already be looking for us.

Can I help?

We're looking for the harbour.

Follow me, I'll show you.

That's a bit of luck.

- Do you want a hand? - Thanks.

Not much here.

What with rationing, we're lucky to get anything.

# May they still be the same

# For as long as we live

# That you'll always be there... #

- On holiday are you? - Er... sort of.

Where are you from?

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to say.

I meant where do you live?

Oh, London.

It must be horrible with all those bombs.

Yeah, you're better off staying down here.

Two of our boys were killed by mines last week.

Your friend isn't very happy.

- No, well, he's a Sergeant. - So?

They have their sense of humour removed at birth.

So where are you staying?

We haven't decided yet.

The pub has got rooms.

Oh, right.

- Thanks very much. - That's alright.

Bye.

Bye.

Er, which boat then, Sergeant?

We need to get closer.

Any of those will do.

We'll wait till it's dark and then requisition one.

Mum says it's fine.

To anyone else we're booked up,

but I won't have our brave boys going short.

I've got a nice double with a sea view.

If you'd like to step inside.

- It's very kind of you. - Don't you mention it.

Shall I take this in?

Have you got the family silver in here?

Now... the hot water is on between six and seven.

When you've finished let me know and I can use it for the turnips.

# HARRY ROY AND HlS BAND: It's A Hap-Hap-Happy Day

It's not a problem.

No.

It's almost dark. Give it ten more minutes.

KNOCKlNG

I brought you some towels.

Mum says she's kept back a couple of nice pilchards.

- Alright? - Thanks a lot.

Towels!

By the jetty, with the what's-its-name sticking up.

Er, mast. Got it.

(WHlSPERS) I'll check the fuel.

(WHlSPERS) Look for the crank handle.

(WHlSPERS) I've got it.

(WHlSPERS) Tank sounds full to me.

ENGlNE STARTS

Are we completely cast off?

We are, Sergeant.

Is there a brake?

The bloody tide is going out. You'll have to get off and shove.

I'm afraid you'll have to get in too, Sergeant.

- Where was he last seen? - 0500 hours, sir.

Leaving the barracks with Cuthbertson, sir,

heading towards the station.

The station master thinks they took the train to Plymouth.

Hmm... Plymouth.

Tell me, what kind of spirits was he in?

Fine and dandy, sir. First class soldier, sir.

- Yes, quite and off the record? - Barking mad, sir.

It's not a problem.

No.

We'll wait until the tide is back in and we'll give it another go.

It's a good thing we got the room.

KNOCKlNG

Mum says, 'How do you like your pilchards?'

WlRELESS: We've had a lot of letters from listeners

who advise cooking with steamers.

- Two pints of stout, Brenda. - Be with you in a minute.

More potatoes, Private?

I'm fine thanks, Mrs Fraser.

Are you sure the Colonel doesn't want something on a tray?

He says he's not hungry.

Better?

Much.

You smell like a damp dog.

I'm sorry about that. I fell in the harbour.

It's alright. I like dogs.

What were you doing in the harbour?

I'm afraid I can't tell you that.

You could be anyone. You could be a spy.

That's right, I could.

Walls have ears, don't they?

That's right they do.

Is it very... dangerous what you do?

Oh, yes, very.

Are you going somewhere dangerous now?

Yeah.

You will be careful, won't you, Leslie?

Of course I will.

I'll be fine.

WlRELESS: British Commandos have seriously damaged

the submarine pens and dry docks.

It will be months before St Nazaire is operational again.

Did he say St Nazaire?

- I'm not interested. - It's not my fault.

It will be high tide soon. Get out of here, get a boat and go.

We'll sleep during the day and travel by night.

The whole place will be crawling with men and machinery. Move!

There's a war on or had you forgotten?

(MUTTERS) Travel by night... Crawling with men and machinery.

Leslie! What are doing?

Oh, for Christ's sake, get her sorted out.

What are you doing? You can't do that.

It's a secret mission. You can't tell anyone.

I'll have to tell Erin. It's his boat.

- We told him already. - Cuthbertson!

I've got to go. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Take care of yourself, Leslie.

- Morning, ladies. - Morning, Arthur.

- How's the allotment? - Potatoes are coming on well.

- How are the Garden Room Girls? - Morning, Major.

- Morning, Arthur. - Morning, sir.

What has our Prime Minister received today from the great unwashed?

Nothing for the PM's eyes yet, Major Merton.

Anything good in the 'potty pile', Daphne?

Eight death threats, three requests to open air raid shelters,

seven and six in postal orders and...

a cigar... probably poisoned.

God bless the lunatics.

Do you know that without them, this war could be quite serious.

Were you ever married, Sergeant?

What would I do that for?

Did you ever ask anyone?

- Why do you want to know? - I'm only interested.

Sorry.

Gladys.

Nurse Gladys Potter. Stitched up my leg.

Field Hospital, Passchendaele.

Tucked me in of a night. Plumped up my pillow. I asked her.

- Really? - Really.

Do you want a bun?

- They're a bit stale. - No thank you.

So what did she say then, this Gladys?

She said she spent too much of her life mending people,

to spend the rest of it with someone who smashed them up!

That wasn't very nice of her.

She did me a favour.

PHONE RlNGS

Morning, Faith. Is he in?

He hasn't left, Major.

It's chucking it down outside.

Outside... Remind me again, where is that exactly?

What is this? This ought to be upstairs.

He's been on one of his wanderings.

< Don't come back until you have something.

It's not been a good morning.

Rommel advancing, Tobruk falling,

and it's not even 1 0 o'clock.

Merton, get in here.

Faith, you look terrible, get some sleep.

- I can't see a sodding thing. - Shush.

Keep looking.

Do they always shoot deserters?

We're not deserters.

We know that but do they, Sergeant?

- Do you think he's got it? - Has who got what?

Has the Prime Minister got the letter?

Of course he has.

- Serg, I wasn't asleep- - Shush.

Listen.

RUMBLlNG

What's that?

What's that?

I'm so bored of powdered egg.

It gives me frightful dreams.

Yes, but we all have to do our bit.

Any word from Ken?

Still on convoys... as far as I know.

You know what they say, 'no news is good news'.

Are these soldiers' pay books?

How much further?

Two or three hours.

Bloody hell!

Take the controls.

Keep your head down.

We need to find a landmark.

DlSTANT VOlCES

What the hell's that?

It's just some women.

- They're going on about a recipe. - What did you say?

Down there somewhere, sir, some women are going on about a recipe.

- What? - Speak French do you?

No, they're speaking English.

- Bugger! - Welcome home, Private.

How could that happen?

We would have known if we were going round in circles?

At least Mohammed found the right sodding mountain!

At least we tried. Most people would have given up at Cornwall!

This is bleedin' Cornwall!

We'll be a laughing stock.

We can explain, can't we?

We'll have to explain alright.

Bloody court martial.

I don't mind dying, Cuthbertson...

..but I won't be humiliated.

What a complete bloody fiasco.

We've still got the boat. I don't mind giving it another go.

Do you want to give it another go?

WlRELESS: Then, there's half a leek, one teaspoon...

WlRELESS: Have you got that?

WlRELESS: Half a leek, one teaspoon of mixed herbs

and a teaspoonful of salt and then there's two ounces...

Psssst!

Psssst!

Ah! Sergeant?

Was that you, Sergeant?

What are you doing?

There's a German!

There's a German! There's a sodding German!

# FLANAGAN & ALLEN: Run Rabbit Run

# Run run run

# Run rabbit run rabbit Run run run

Shall we go back and kill him?

I haven't come all this way to shoot a Kraut who likes cooking!

He's probably gone by now anyway.

At least we're here, that's the main thing.

Open wide, Adolf! the dentists are coming!

Cuthbertson! >

Sorry, Sergeant.

# So run rabbit Run run run. #

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

If you must know...

..it's cold, wet with more rats than you can shake a stick at.

Blimey.

For 28 days you were bored to tears and then on the 29th - boof!

The sky lit up, you got your head down, ran like the clappers

and hoped some other poor bastard got it, not you.

Now, go to sleep.

Didn't you save the life of a General?

Oh, yes...

General Sir William Hyde.

I was his driver.

- What happened? - Nothing.

Go to sleep.

My dad was in the trenches.

At Amiens.

He was one of the lucky ones, he came home in one piece.

What are you doing?

Tapping. Sorry.

- It's a habit when I'm nervous. - Well, stop it.

Did he...

..say much, your dad... about the trenches?

- My dad? - Yeah.

I thought you wanted to go to sleep?

I do...

..but I'd rather you talked than tapped.

Not much.

He was killed by a tram when I was three so I never really knew him.

He was just a face at my bedroom door.

My mum always showed me pictures and I do think about him.

He tells me off in my head.

Not always though.

Sometimes I make him laugh.

Can I ask you something?

What now?

Why did you choose me?

Who else would be daft enough to carry the grenades?

He would like this.

It would make him smile.

- Can you reach it? - I would if you stood still.

Here.

Here. You do it.

- It was your idea. - Really? Thanks.

Bloody hell? How many of those buns did you eat?

- How many shall I cut? - Cut them all.

Keep your voice down.

It's a lot harder than you think.

Did you see that?

You could have your eye out with one of those. I've got a good idea.

We'll make a list of the things we do and then keep it as proof.

We could tot up the damage. How much are these lines worth?

Five quid each?

Well, that's one, two, three... ..that's 25 quid the lot.

< Depends what's on the other end.

That's a point.

So, supposing these go to like, the hospital or the Resistance even?

Just suppose you get on with it.

Still, 25 quid is 25 quid, isn't it?

Well, it's not actually, it's only ��20.

What do you mean?

- I left one. - What for?

In case of emergencies.

- How much does cement cost? - What?

If we were blowing up a gun emplacement...

I was trying to work out how much it's worth.

- What for? - Well...

We put the damages on the left and what it's worth on the right.

Are you a bloody accountant now?

No, listen. I had a mate who bought a Riley Roadster before the war.

He polished it every Sunday, but the birds kept crapping on the bonnet.

So, what he did was, he bought a garage.

The only problem is he reckons the garage cost more than the car.

Has this got a point, Private?

Yeah, yeah, the point is,

I reckon that two garages costs the same as one gun emplacement.

Sergeant?

To put it another way,

one gun emplacement costs the same as three Riley Roadsters.

You've got a head like a toy box, Cuthbertson.

When are we going to eat?

Hello? Hello? Hang on, sir.

Africa, that's where we stand or fall.

He's on the line now.

About time. Put him through.

I want answers yesterday, Merton. Lose Africa and we lose the Med.

Hello? No-one here, Faith.

One moment, Prime Minister.

< He's on line three, Prime Minister.

Hello, Monty. How are you, old cocker?

Jolly good. Now tell me something, General...

..what do your knees look like in shorts?

'Sleep during the day, travel by night', you said. >

That's alright. So far, it hasn't been necessary.

'Crawling with men and machinery'.

Thanks, Private. All we need do is find a road or a signpost.

To where? There's nothing to do.

It's not a problem. There will be plenty to do when we get there.

< Get where?

There's no-one around, the whole place is shut.

Hello? Anyone?

We're here! We've invaded!

Shut up!

- I'm starving. - I'm Sergeant King, how do you do?

Well, maybe we could get something to eat or something.

- Maybe we could steal a car. - Oh, yes. Good idea (!)

Which one of the many fine vehicles would you care to requisition?

First rule of survival behind enemy lines: live off the land.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh...

I-l-I'm English.

Er... English?

Bloody hell!

I'm really sorry. I-l-I'm just so hungry. I-l-I'll put it back.

Look, see?

Emportez-le.

Emballez-le, emportez-le, allez-y.

Emportez-le, allez-y.

Wrap it?

Er, do you, do you want me to wrap it?

Can I go now?

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Attendez.

Vivement la liberation!

I was only getting some food.

I don't know what the problem is.

You said get some food and I did.

Anyone could have been in there.

The whole Third Reich could have been in there.

- We should be so lucky. - What?

- Can we eat the pie now? - Don't you get lippy with me, son!

I'll knock the living daylights out of you.

- Can we eat the pie now? - You've jeopardised this operation.

You've been like a kid on a school outing,

buying buns, waving stockings about,

cosying up to your little Cornish pasty.

Then when I send you to get some food, what do I find?

You canoodling up to some French tart, practically slipping her one.

- Piss off. - Eh?

- Piss off! - Don't tell me to piss off.

No!

Everything you've asked, I've done.

Every order you've given, I've followed.

Where has it got us? Nowhere.

Now, I'm a deserter.

I've nearly been drowned.

I'm tired and I'm hungry.

Whether you like it or not, I'm going to eat this pie.

I can't believe you've done that.

No, I take that back.

I can believe it.

Look at you.

You know why you're called the Kaiser?

You're a jumped-up, washed-up, over the hill has-been.

- Finished? - No!

You know what?

Back home, you command about as much respect as a fly on dog shit!

Smart-arsed little turd! I gave you a chance.

Nobody else would be stupid enough to give you a gun, but I did.

I thought you had guts, but the only thing you're good at is whingeing.

It's a good thing your dad died when he did,

so he never saw the whining tosspot

that his son had become.

Can you see anything?

- Nothing. - A sign or something?

- No. - We've got to find out where we are.

I'll see what I can find.

I didn't mean...

..what I said about your dad.

I'll stand guard then.

Sergeant...

They don't all call you the Kaiser.

Yes. You stand guard.

(WHlSPERS) Yes, Sergeant.

(WHlSPERS) Yes, Sergeant.

BUZZER

(MlMES) Kill him.

I-l-I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I missed him. He just got past me.

It's a train.

- It's stopping. - It's waiting for the signal.

Well, which one is it?

Must be one of these.

It's full of bloody Germans!

Heh! Was ist hier los?

Warum mussten wir anhalten?

Ist jemand zu Hause?

They're on their way up!

There's got to be a lock.

- Wir haben nicht viel Zeit. - Sonst kommen wir nie nach Brest.

Now try.

In Ordnung, kommt wieder runter!

Danke. Naechstes Mal 'n bisschen schneller.

Supplies.

What shall we do with him? He'll tell someone he has seen us.

Drunk in charge of a signal box.

They won't believe a word he says.

Mind the string.

How much do you reckon a railway line's worth? About 70 quid?

- More. - ��80.

Put that away.

Ready?

RUMBLlNG

- What was that? - What's wrong?

(WHlSPERS) I think I heard something.

Nah, it was nothing.

- Bloody hell! - Gordon Bennett!

I think I've gone deaf. Have you?

Looks buckled to me.

Does it look buckled to you?

Yeah, definitely.

Loose as old knickers that is.

I wouldn't fancy travelling on it.

One grenade in the right place.

- Just like you said. - Come on.

# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

# We'll just rub along without a care

# We're gonna to hang out the washing on the Siegfried line

# If that Siegfried line's still there. #

Let's find out where we are.

You've got the matches.

- Is that cheese off? - Nah, it's French.

Do you want some?

No, I want you to strike a match so I can see what I'm doing.

Closer. That's better.

Now then, there's the railway line so we're...

- Lancasters. - Lucky buggers.

Hold it still.

Sitting down to bacon and eggs in half an hour.

You and your belly.

SlREN BLARES

- Oh, you're still here? - So are you.

- We're all still here. - Faith, you look terrible.

- Is he still here? - No.

He's meeting with the Joint Chiefs. A chance to make a break for it.

Oh, good luck.

- Thanks. - More light reading for you.

Sorry about the cigar ash.

He was on one of his nocturnals again.

This belongs up here, I think.

How are we supposed to run a war

when the Prime Minister keeps interfering.

Nobody listens! >

Why won't the buggers listen?

Faith.

Oh, bad luck, Faith. 1 0 feet short of the wire.

- (WHlSPERS) They look like teacups. - (WHlSPERS) Bloody big teacups.

What do you think?

Nah. Too risky.

- What's that fly swat thing? - Fly swat?

Looks like an aerial. Some sort of listening device.

That must be worth a fortune.

Come on. We wouldn't make it to the fence.

Move.

Well, it's just over there.

Come on, it's crawling with bleedin' Germans.

Of course it's crawling with Germans, that's why we came.

I don't believe this.

You were going to blow up the Scharnhorst with one grenade.

Destroy St Nazaire single-handed.

We find one piddly observation post and you say it's too risky.

Keep your voice down!

One hand grenade, you said.

We've got a bag of the bastards.

Well, if you won't, I will.

You wouldn't last five minutes.

I'll be out in four then.

Once it's dark and I'm inside...

..I'll attach some grenades to the fly swat,

move to the ops room with the remaining grenades, then up it goes.

- Wait. Where am l? - You're that pebble there.

- What pebble? - By the fence, where we cut through.

- What am I doing there? - Standing guard.

I don't want to stand guard!

I didn't come here to stand guard.

- I am giving you an order. - Well, I'm disobeying it.

I'm younger and I'm faster and I want to blow up the fly swat.

You can't! Whoever goes in there is going to die!

Then what's the point in standing guard?

Here. Take the grenades.

- Blow your arse off. - You and your medal.

- It's not that. - You can't stop being a hero.

- I wasn't a hero. - Don't give me that tosh.

< It's not tosh.

I changed a tyre, that's all I did.

What? I don't understand.

The General was in the back seat. A bombardment went up.

A piece of shrapnel caught the front tyre and we got a puncture.

And?

General Sir William Hyde told me to get out and change it.

A shell exploded to the right of us, the jack slipped,

the car fell on my foot.

I drove some 1 0 miles with a smashed heel.

So you were decorated for changing a tyre?

Yes, I know,

RAC patrol men do it every day.

Can we get on with the weapons check?

Two revolvers...

..and twenty rounds.

Grenades?

Five in the bag and five in the nylons.

- Did you see any more action? - I didn't.

I was invalidated out and joined the Medical Corps.

So you haven't done anything like this before.

Well, I hate to say this, Sergeant...

..but I wish you hadn't told me that.

It's fine. It's not a problem.

Four for the fly swat

and the rest for the ops room and no-one stands guard. Agreed?

Agreed.

Hope you've got a handbag to go with them stockings?

- Alright? - Yeah.

Through you go.

Wait!

Cuthbertson. Mirror.

Right.

(SNlFFS) I can smell beef... and onions.

Kaiser, komm her.

Komm her, du bloder Koter. Komm her!

Was denkst du, was du da machst, hm?

Komm her.

Dummer Hund.

Komm!

Bei Fuss.

When you're ready, blow the bastard. I'll be in position.

..drei Briefe gehabt letzte Woche...

- Drei? - Ja.

Bugger!

ALARM

GUNFlRE

Bugger!

# ELGAR: Nimrod

ALARM RlNGS

Los, los, hier lang!

Halt!

Pack it in!

Sergeant Mohammed, it's Private Mountain.

What kept you?

- We did well. - Keep your eyes on the road.

- You driven one of these before? - It's not a problem.

We couldn't have done all that, could we?

Let's get the hell out of here!

Leslie!

Sorry to trouble you. I'm looking for a Miss Emma Fraser.

Now, Africa is the absolute priority.

What the hell did I do with that thing?

I want to know everything that is going on out there.

When I say everything, I mean everything.

I don't want a camel to so much as break wind

without it ending up on my desk.

Here it is.

There, no it isn't.

What the hell is this?

Not funny.

Now, I don't want another shambles like Singapore, gentlemen.

ENGlNE FALTERS

Hold up.

We're out of petrol.

Cop hold of that oar, Cuthbertson.

The oar?

- Are we going to row?! - No, we're going to knit a jumper.

It'll give you an appetite. One, two, three.

He's depressed. He won't get out of his cot.

- Have you tried Clemmie? - She's dining with the Archbishop.

He's an old man, he needs a holiday.

Failing that, a victory.

Anything. Something to lift his spirits. Good luck.

- Whose turn is it? - Yours.

- I sat with him last night- - Reading Kipling.

- Why don't you go home, Faith? - Yes, I know...

I look terrible.

I promised the King victory, Merton.

Gave my word to the country.

I don't know if I can do it.

Well, would you like a whisky, sir?

No, Merton, I don't want a whisky.

I want a wander.

I don't know if this rabbit is going to come out of the hat.

Cuthbertson...

..we've got company.

< Come on.

It's bloody following us!

Throw something!

- I bet it's one of ours. - It can't be one of ours!

That's not fair.

Not after what we've done!

Come on! Blow, you sod!

Wie heissen Sie?

7 - 5... 3 - 6... 3 - 9 - 4.

Sergeant King.

- Was tun Sie hier? - I don't speak German.

- Was tun Sie hier? - Sergeant King.

7 - 5... 3 - 6... 3 - 9 - 4.

1 - 0 - 5 - 1 - 1 - 4 - 3 - 6.

Private Cuthbertson.

We're dentists.

- Have we got the girl? - She's on her way.

- Is there any tea in this pot? - Stewed, I'm afraid.

Right.

Yes, that's Leslie.

- Are you sure? - Positive. Where were they?

Reconnaissance spotted them in the Channel.

- Floating on some wood. - That was lucky.

That depends on how you look at it. We don't take too kindly to spies.

- Spies? - Yes. Or deserters.

Don't worry. We'll find out soon enough.

Out!

Prisoner escort. Attention!

Quick march!

No, he said that he had to do something dangerous.

He couldn't talk about it as it was secret

and I might be a spy.

So I know they're not spies because they borrowed a boat

and said they were going somewhere...

..which must have been France which is where the war is,

so they can't be deserters either.

Sorry, do I sound a bit muddled?

Not at all. Thank you, Miss Fraser. You may sit down.

Well, gentlemen...

Let me tell you, I've presided over many court martials,

too many if I'm honest, and i's not a task I relish.

Never before have I been asked to listen to such appalling drivel.

You're deserters.

You know it, I know it, everyone in this room knows it.

You ran away for a coward's chance on easy street

and when your boat sank on the way to lreland...

..you invented this fairy tale to save yourselves.

What sticks in my throat above all,

is that even after you failed to produce evidence in your defence,

you still persist in this ridiculous 'Boy's Own' adventure

of some personal invasion of France.

You have brought shame on the uniform worn so bravely by so many.

You, Sergeant King,

you're beyond contempt, frankly.

Not only have you duped an impressionable...

Begging the court's pardon, sir.

Who is this? What does he want?

I'm so sorry, Colonel, but er...

..if I might crave the court's indulgence for a few moments?

- Who are you? - I want to interview the prisoners.

- What? - I'm Major Desmond Merton.

Chief lntelligence Advisor to Mr Churchill.

Now, I have here...

..a ground plan... of some buildings.

Major, these are official proceedings. >

These buildings that you see here, gentlemen...

..do you know what they are?

Yes, sir. It's a listening post, sir.

A 'Cap de la Hague', sir.

Interesting. How do you know?

It says so at the top, sir.

Does it?

- Oh, so it does. - Major...

One moment, please, Colonel.

Are you familiar with these buildings?

- Yes, sir. I think so. - What can you tell me about them?

Well, that's the fly swat thing, sir.

The... the what?

The signal receiver thing, sir.

It appeared to the uninitiated eye

to be a giant implement for the swatting of flies.

I see. What about these chaps here?

They're the two teacup things, sir.

They had the general appearance of teacups placed on their side, sir.

They were outside the perimeter, so we left them alone.

Excellent. Right.

Now what was it that you did?

Blew up the ops room, with grenades.

Major...

They are disgraced. They're guilty of theft, deceit and desertion.

You're not suggesting there's any substance to their story?

I'm merely trying to ascertain the facts.

This operations room. Did anything strike you as unusual about it?

No, nothing, sir.

- Apart from the smell. - The smell.

- The smell? What smell? - Er, beef and onions, sir.

- Beef and onions? - Burned beef and onions.

Major, I really must insist...

Burned beef and onions! Ah!

Thank you, Colonel.

- I've heard all I need to hear. - Well, thank God for that.

In your opinion, Major, are they telling the truth?

No, sir. They are not.

They didn't destroy the operations room.

They destroyed the cookhouse.

LAUGHTER

I'm not putting up with this.

Unless you can substantiate that claim, I intend to pass sentence.

- I'm sure that I can, Colonel. - How?

You're not going to tell me you were there?

Not personally, no, sir, but the 2nd Parachute Regiment were.

- The Paras where there? - 1 1 9 of them to be exact.

There were after those two teacup things,

which you were good enough not to blow up.

Their task was to bring bits home for our boffins to play about with.

There were reports of an unexpected and very useful diversion...

..but until now, no-one has been able to confirm it.

Initially, we put it down to the French, but it just didn't tally.

Anyway, there we are. Well done, gents.

Thank you, Colonel for allowing me to clear up that little puzzle.

Oh, yes, and I nearly forgot.

Message from the Prime Minister.

He thanks you very much for your letter. It cheered him up no end.

He apologies for the delay in replying,

but he has had rather a lot on.

Next time you're in Whitehall,

he would be delighted to see you for a cup of tea.

That is tea for King and Cuthbertson, sir, not...

Well...

Oh, yes...

Here are your pay books back...

..which he has signed.

He didn't want you to go short. As he said to me...

A few more lunatics like those dentists, Merton,

and I can win this war by Christmas.

Cookhouse. The bloody cookhouse.

Well done, lads!

# ELAGAR: Nimrod

I'll see you in 28 days, Sergeant.

I'll be here, Private.