Original subtitles

So, what's going on?

I just lost my best friends.

What?

I just lost my best friends.

Yesterday, I...

What's that?

Yesterday, I took all the medicine to kill myself.

I’ve lost everything.

Huh?

I’ve lost everything.

They said they don't want anything to do with me anymore.

What?

They all said they never want to see me again.

Oh, did they?

So, they actually said that?

I don't know what to do.

Have you experienced this kind of thing before?

Yes, many times.

What?

Many times.

How did you overcome it then?

Before,

...it was me who left them.

You mean, you are in shock because THEY left you this time?

It used to be YOU who left your friends.

So, back then, they probably felt the same way you do now.

Do you want to ask them why?

What do you mean?

Do you want to ask them...

What's the problem they have with you?

You may want to ask them...

Do I ask them?

Yes. By all means.

It must be tough for you not knowing why.

I just want to die.

Well, you can't just die...

...because you have to think of your children, right?

Do you have any medicine left?

No.

You took it all?

Take care of yourself.

Next, please.

Thank you very much.

An Observational Film #2 by Kazuhiro Soda

MENTAL

Waiting Room Smoking Permitted

I have bipolar disorder.

I usually come here to see the doctor at 6:30 AM.

But this morning, I was too depressed to drive.

So, I had to bother my mother, and asked her to take me here.

I have this desire to... well, to kill myself.

I would feel relief if I could kill myself.

While watching my friends...

...committing suicide one after another,

...I imagine that they are now relieved.

Last July, my best friend also committed suicide...

...by jumping from a tall building.

OK.

Is Ms. Sumida here?

I’ll go look for her.

If she’s not here, Mr. Fujii's next.

She's not here.

Mr. Fujii, it's your turn.

Consultation Room

How are you?

Well... I'm restless.

I’m agitated and...

...It's so hard to relax myself during the day.

Sometimes, I feel I should just kill myself...

...to end this suffering.

But in the evening I chant sutras with my parents,

...and I start feeling relaxed.

Last night at dinner, I told this to my parents.

They said maybe it's because I don't have any work to do.

Of course, I do stuff like delivering milk on Wednesday and Friday,

...but otherwise, I have no set schedule.

That must be why I'm restless, they said.

What's your opinion?

They might be right,

...but if I could do what I really wanted...

...I wouldn't want to kill myself, I guess.

If only I could do what I wanted every day.

You chant and you have dinner with your parents in the evening,

...but until then, you're alone, right?

Yes, I'm alone.

That's when you feel irritated?

Right. I suffer when I'm alone.

When I’m with you or other people, I feel calm.

It's solitude or loneliness that's enormously painful for me, I guess.

'A destination to go and a place to be are a reason to live. '

You may want to work on your reason to live.

For example, can you come up with a short term objective?

A short term objective? What do you mean by that?

Like, “I'll complete this and this in a week”

Wow, I've never thought about that before. Not at all.

Can you create something like that?

Like, “I'll finish reading this book.”

Finish reading a book?

I see. That could be an objective, too, huh?

Why don't I try this... listening to FEBC radio

...on the internet for two weeks?

I really like listening to that program because it calms me.

That's a great objective for you. Then, when you set a goal,

...tell it to me or one of your friends.

Like, “I'm going to do such and such in a week.”

By telling your friends,

...you share your experience with them.

Do you know what I mean?

So, like I can tell it to Sasaki?

That's right.

By doing that, you connect with people.

People will also have something to talk about with you.

Please think about a “destination to go.”

Like a life destination? OK.

Destination to go Place to be Reason to live

I am a thousand winds that blow...

This is a beautiful place, isn't it? I love it when looking up.

Yes, I'm here about twice a week.

I come here even when I don't have to see the doctor...

...because it's fun, and it's a change of pace.

I should have put on lipstick today.

Dr. Yamamoto diagnosed me with atypical psychosis and depression.

Depression is really painful.

You can't understand the pain unless you've experienced it.

All you can think about is dying.

You can't eat, you can't take a bath, you can't do anything.

It's so tough.

You have no idea how painful it is.

I constantly torture myself saying «I’m no good, I’m no good.»

But only recently, I began to be able to accept myself,

...just like Dr. Yamamoto kept telling me.

Can you go in? OK.

You said you received a letter?

Yes, a strange letter. This is weird.

He's got my right address.

Dear Madame,

Autumn has come, the season for sex.

Don't masturbate. Just have sex.

Do you like smoking? Yours, Hashimoto

This is sexual harassment, isn't it? It's terrible.

I should ignore this, right?

I shouldn’t report it to the police, should l?

What do YOU think you should do?

I think I should ignore it.

If something should happen, I’ll leave this as evidence.

You haven't called him, right?

No way. I'll just keep the letter for now.

Here you go.

Sueta, thank you for waiting.

One night? Yes.

I’m not supposed to speak to the other guests, right?

No, it's fine, you can.

This room.

Let's get some fresh air. It's a bit stiffly.

And I've got to give you a key to the room.

Can I go get it? Yes.

See you later, then.

Why are you staying here tonight?

Well, I hear voices when I'm at home.

They tell me to get out.

So, I slept on the street for two days.

It was really hard.

So, I went to see a doctor at Kawada mental hospital,

...but I didn't feel better.

I came here, and remembered they had a short-stay facility,

...so I decided to use it.

But I'll go home tomorrow.

You slept on the street? Yeah.

Where?

In a park.

I slept in a park.

Didn't you get bitten by mosquitoes? Yeah, I did.

What do the voices tell you?

They tell me to get out of my home.

They say I'm not needed there.

And lots of other things.

I was so terrified and left home on Friday... no, on Saturday.

But I didn't have too much money, so I slept in the park.

Whose voice is it?

I don't know. I don't recognize it, but it's a man's voice.

Actually, I kind of recognize his voice.

It sounds like my dad.

He left us more than 20 years ago,

...so I don't even remember his face.

But I remember his voice, and that's what I hear I guess.

I’m glad I can sleep here tonight, though.

Hello. Yes.

This is your receipt, change, and the key. It's for this door.

Was there an incident that originally triggered your illness?

Yes. When I was around 20,

...I didn't get along with my mom.

Back then, word processing was new,

...and I was taking a class to learn how.

But I kept it a secret from my mom...

...because she opposed whatever I did.

But since I went there every Sunday,

...she asked me why I go out every Sunday.

I told her the truth, and she was furious.

She locked me up in our house to prevent me from going.

So I had to stop taking classes.

Then, she became ill.

She got uterine cancer and had to be hospitalized.

Since my father wasn't around,

...I had to take care of everything.

I had to go to the hospital, talk to the doctor, discuss treatments...

...things a mature adult would take care of.

But I was only 24 at the time.

It was so overwhelming and just too much.

One day, I bought a bunch of pills...

...and took them all to die.

Then, I felt sick to my stomach and called a helpline.

They said, “How can I help you?”

I told them to please let me die.

I also told them I opened the gas pipe.

They said to close it, but I didn't.

They traced the call, came to my house,

...and took me to Kawasaki Hospital.

The doctor there said I should be hospitalized.

Since then, I’ve been battling my illness.

But when I was married,

...my husband didn't let me visit the mental hospital.

When we lost our first child,

...I got really sick and was hospitalized again.

After I got out of the hospital,

...I continued to visit the mental specialist,

...but I kept it a secret from my husband,

...because he threatened to divorce me if I kept visiting the hospital.

Eventually, I had to stop seeing the doctor.

We were married for 12 years,

...but when it was over, I became even sicker...

...and started having hallucinations.

So, I began to visit this place, Chorale.

But then I was hospitalized again at Kawada Mental Hospital for a year.

For a year?

Yeah, I was in and out.

I would take too much medicine, get hospitalized, then get discharged...

...6 times in one year.

You mean, you wanted to die all those times?

Right. But the doctor told me that I can't kill myself by taking medicine.

He told me I shouldn’t even try.

Then, he tried to push me out of the hospital.

I opposed leaving the hospital...

...because I didn't want to be in my apartment.

I begged him to let me stay until I got better,

...but he refused, and abandoned me.

How did you lose your child?

Abuse.

Who abused him?

I did.

When the baby was 1 month old,

...my husband worked nights as a truck driver.

While he was gone, the baby kept crying.

I gave him milk, changed his diaper, cradled him in my arms,

...but he never stopped crying.

I didn't know what to do. It was really exhausting.

But my husband never understood me.

Since the baby slept during the day,

...he never saw him really crying.

He said, “My ex-wife had no problem raising kids.

You should be able to do it, too.”

But it was my first child,

...and even my mom didn't help me at all.

I was all alone and helpless.

I took the baby to the I month exam,

...and realized that he weighed less than before.

The doctor told me that I'm a lousy mother,

...which made me really depressed.

I wish he could give me advice rather than saying I’m a bad mother.

One day, I had a quarrel with my husband before he left for work.

I was really desperate.

Then, the baby started crying, and I covered his mouth.

He stopped moving,

...so I tried artificial respiration but didn't work.

I called an ambulance, and it slowed up with the police.

The cops handcuffed me,

...and took me to the station to interrogate me.

At that time, my baby was in a vegetable like state.

The doctor told me he probably wouldn’t recover.

At best, he'll remain a vegetable, he said.

A month later, they called me because he was dying.

When we arrived, it was midnight.

We were hungry, so we decided to have some take out.

My brother bought some Tonkatsu bento boxes for us.

My mom and I, my brother, and my husband were there.

When we were eating,

...the doctor said that my baby had already died.

I believe he didn't tell us when he was actually dying...

...because we would have been too out of control.

We had a funeral, took the bones home,

...and kept them at a Buddhist temple since we had no family grave.

After that, every time we visited the temple,

...my husband and I were dead silent.

And every time we had a fight,

...he accused me of ruining our marriage by killing our child.

It's true I killed him, but it made me so sad.

Really sad.

I was always weeping.

A cop told me that...

...I’ll be burdened with my deed forever.

I can never forget what he said.

One year later, I gave birth to my second child.

He's supposed to have a big brother,

...and I really wish I could watch him growing up now.

Sometimes, I see my dead son in my dreams.

He's in 8th grade, and he smiles at me.

I feel he might have forgiven me,

...but I know it's just wishful thinking.

These are the ingredients for the soup.

Yamakawa, how should I cut this?

Well, it's up to you.

Oops, I spilled some coffee.

That's not good... hold it, hold it.

Just a moment. Let's stop the water.

What should I do?

It's OK. Now only water will drain.

Just wait a little bit.

Can I put this here?

Hello.

Hi, welcome.

480 yen, please.

Thank you for the exact change.

Mini Chora Menu Macaroni au gratin Vegetable soup

Do you want some parsley? Yes.

Dream Studio "Pastel"

Milk

It's hot today, isn't it.

It sure is!

Sorry that I haven't been around lately.

Good morning.

I’m delivering milk.

Thank you.

bowwow!

Can I get change? Sure.

That's for Kawai. 1880 yen.

Coffee purchasing. April... May...

Pastel, the milk delivery service, is profitable.

But Mini Chora, the restaurant, is rather difficult.

If you didn't have any grants from the government,

...could you still run them?

That would be hard.

If we continued to pay patients the way we do,

...both Pastel and Mini Choral would go under.

The Supporting Independence of People with Disabilities (SIPD) Bill...

...will soon pass in the Diet, so everything will be different.

The Diet is Discussing SIED Bill

Can Lawmakers Ease the Anxiety of the Disabled?

First, an announcement.

Koseiren activists had a meeting last Friday.

They decided to submit a list of demands...

Reconsider the SIPD Bill! They decided to submit a list of demands...

Reconsider the SIPD Bill!!

Reconsider the SIED Bill! ...regarding the SIPD bill to the Liberal Democratic Party,

...regarding the SIPD bill to the Liberal Democratic Party,

...in addition to Okayama city government.

Medical Expenses for the Disabled Jump from "Zero" to "10%"

Medical Expenses forte Disabled Jump from "Zero" to "10%" If the SIPD bill becomes a law,

Medical Expenses for the Disabled Jump from "Zero" to "10%"

Medical Expenses for the Disabled Jump from "Zero" to "10%" ...we worry that medical expenses for patients will increase,

...we worry that medical expenses for patients will increase,

...and that many of you might not be able to receive proper treatment...

...because you may choose to see the doctor...

...Less frequently or to take cheaper medicines.

Kojima here has a proposal. No, it's Dr. Yamamoto's.

Is that so?

Anyway, Kojima consulted the doctor...

...because he's worried about life after his parents are dead.

He wants to have a meeting...

...with people who share the same anxiety.

He proposes having a discussion while drinking sake at Ozeki.

I’m not sure what you mean.

Do you want to discuss things...

...we should prepare for when our parents die?

Or, do we just express our general anxiety in the meeting?

Well, I'm just worried.

Kojima, you'll chair the meeting, right?

I have no idea how to survive if I’m left alone.

You mean, financially?

I’ll need breakfast, lunch, dinner...

Aha. You don't know how much you'll need to live?

Right.

Your mother takes care of it now? Yes.

I see.

The doctor told me to make a copy and file it here.

I made a copy. Let's file it.

What's that?

An application for “sickness & injury benefit.”

When you are sick and need to stop working,

...the benefits can be paid to the patients from...

...the government agency in lieu of the salary they lost.

But you need a letter of explanation from the doctor.

Usually, they pay you if the doctor submits the necessary documents,

...but this time, they asked for further details.

So, the doctor is replying to their questions.

It's a lifeline for many patients.

Can I buy a ticket for the Chorale year end party?

2,000 yen, please.

Here you go.

Can you sleep at night?

The drug you prescribed, Perospirone...? It's way too strong.

Let's reduce Flunitrazepam to 1 mg. Can you try that?

Let's also reduce Fluvoxamine little by little.

Okay.

Thank you.

I’m suffering from... eating disorders.

Since I was little,

I’ve always had a problem getting along with other people.

I felt something like a balloon inside me...

...kept growing little by little.

At one point,

...somebody said something really terrible to me,

...and the already big balloon just exploded.

What he said just pushed my button.

What did he say to you?

He said my legs are fat.

I wanted to work somewhere, but nobody hired me.

Dr. Yamamoto suggested...

...I learn to make prescriptions to work in this room.

His suggestion made me happy...

...because I felt he trusted me enough...

...to work in this room that is off limits.

Here's Flunitrazepam... oops, actually, it's Paxil.

I tried to take a walk yesterday, but I couldn't.

Because of the drug?

Yes. It contained some muscle relaxant.

Please hold.

Sasaki, a phone call from the National Health Insurance Organization.

Oh, they must have an answer now.

Hello, this is Sasaki speaking.

Aha... Oh, I see. Thank you very much.

Wow, it was bad news.

What did they say?

They said they reduced the drug coverage from 42 days to 28 days.

What?

They just cut 14 days of Akineton...

...and Risperdal because 42 days is too long.

Is that what they said?

42 days is too long for the drugs.

Some patients like Negishi are receiving too many days' worth.

They may get rid of them as well.

We need to be careful with the Kurashiki city government.

They are tough.

Maybe it was a tough doctor.

It's sad because this was the second review they had.

They reviewed things twice, and said no.

They don't even listen to us.

We're gonna have the same problem with many other patients losing medication.

Right. I don't know what to do.

If a pharmaceutical company like us did the test,

...you may be suspicious of some kind of bias.

But this test was done by a public organization in the US,

...and the report was published in the New England Journal.

Many university researchers praise this test.

I see.

For chronic schizophrenia, it is important for patients...

...to be able to keep taking the medicine for a long time.

We believe Zyprexa is best suited for their needs.

Please try it for some patients with serious symptoms.

Thank you for your time.

Stomach medicine.

This one is for constipation. I tend to get constipated because of the drugs.

This is to prevent panic attacks.

This is to take before I go to sleep.

The red ones are Vegetamin.

If you take too many, you could die.

I also take these white ones.

They're strong enough to put a normal person to sleep for a few days.

You're not a normal person? Well, I'm just too used to it.

This is an anti depressant.

This is a tranquilizer.

This... when you're agitated, you take it.

Humans can't take this many drugs.

How do you pay for all these medications?

Since I’m on welfare, I don't have to pay.

But they're changing laws to make us pay for 10%.

If that happens, we just won't survive.

Thanks a lot, PM Koizumi.

Actually, it took forever to receive my first welfare checks.

It would have been OK if I was alone,

...but I have two kids to feed.

I had no choice but to sell my body, wandering around the streets at night.

Back then I was slim a real beauty.

I’m now too fat for that,

...but I was attractive enough, back then.

I negotiated a price and earned some money at night.

It was so humiliating.

How old are your kids?

They are 13 and 11 ... no, 10 years old.

They live in this institution for children...

...which was established by a Buddhist temple.

My kids call me once a week,

...and talk for 10 minutes each.

Dear Mommy, how are you? Today is Valentine's Day!

My biggest wish in the world is for Mommy to get well.

Enjoy the milk chocolate from Hokkaido. Please be happy!

This letter is my little treasure.

Mom and my big sister

You're not alone.

This is me.

- You look so different. - I know.

Can I speak to the camera? Sure.

Junichiro, come back to me.

Who's that?

My son.

I haven’t seen him for 3 years now, because I’m mentally ill.

Do you ever contact him?

He refuses my calls.

He doesn't pick up when you call?

Well, he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice.

He must hate me so much. He sometimes visits his grandmother.

I think he didn't like what he saw...

...when I was seriously sick.

But I wanna see him.

That's only natural.

Yeah, I miss him so much!

Welfare Designated Doctor

I’ve got to start preparing for the landing...

...since I'll probably die in about 20 to 30 years...

But meanwhile, I'm getting nervous because...

...the government is even cutting welfare.

I thought welfare was our last resort to rely on,

...but it may be gone when we need it most.

I don't feel any kindness in society anymore.

There is nothing but bad news all the time.

What happened to the idea of moving to a remote village?

Become a farmer? I still like that idea.

The other day, I bumped into my cousin who lives in a village,

...so I asked him, “how much cash do you need to live for a month?”

He said, “60,000 yen.”

You mean, including the cost of seedlings and fertilizer?

Well, he told me that...

...people in the village give you their leftovers if you're new.

Wouldn’t it be OK if you had connections?

You wouldn’t be all alone.

For mental patients like us,

...money can be the best medicine sometimes.

It's true that money could make you feel better, but only temporarily.

I know that money can't solve everything.

But I believe it could solve half of our problems.

I guess you're right...

Old Age / Childhood

Manhood / Productive Years

It goes around the circle.

Then death comes to end your life?

No, maybe it doesn't end there.

Childhood

Manhood

Old Age

Death

Death

Which one do you prefer?

I want to believe in this circular one.

It fits my Buddhist belief, too.

You're probably ready to switch your philosophy to the circular one.

Yeah, I'm already preparing for landing.

You used to be going straight like this.

You see? Take it easy.

You're living with your parents. So, your mom fixes your meals, right?

Do you want to try cooking?

What do you mean by “luxurious food”?

Sushi.

Sushi? Hand shaped?

That's tough to make.

For example, you shouldn’t throw away the outer leaves of the lettuce.