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1
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(PHONE RINGS)
2
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ROB: Hello?
3
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Hello, Rob. Steve Coogan.
4
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,678
- Who's this?
- Steve Coogan.
5
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:09,869
Hey, how are you?
6
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,558
Great, how are you?
7
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Yeah, good. Where are you?
8
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I'm in London, just got back
from filming in New York.
9
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I play a chef, it's called Medium Rare.
10
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,433
Anyway, they want me to do publicity
for the launch of the series.
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(CHILD WAILS)
12
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They want me to do a series
of restaurant reviews
13
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and this time, a trip to Spain.
14
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(SNORING)
15
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(DOOR CLOSES)
16
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(BIRDS SING)
17
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Gracias.
18
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,351
(CALL TO PRAYER IN ARABIC)
19
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- Hey, good morning.
- Buenos dias, amigo Coogan.
20
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How was the Alhambra?
21
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It was, er...
22
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Good. It was good, but it was...
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You know, beautiful, spiritual...
24
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- Blah, blah, blah.
- Yeah, OK.
25
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Joe's not coming out.
26
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What?! Why?
27
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Er, his girlfriend's pregnant.
28
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Oh, my God!
29
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,113
- Bloody hell.
- What's he going to do?
30
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- Well, I told him he had options.
- What does that mean?
31
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Well, he's too young to be a dad.
He's not very worldly, you know?
32
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You know what this means, don't you?
33
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Grandad
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- Grandad, we love you!
- Haven't thought of that.
35
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I'd start thinking about it.
36
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,639
(THEY CHUCKLE)
37
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He's going to be a grandad!
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Thank you, Lord.
39
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ROB: Look at those!
40
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STEVE: Oh - see, a lot of people think
they're ugly cos they're modern,
41
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,160
but I think they're beautiful
cos they're functional.
42
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Tilting At Turbines, that's what
I should call my book about Spain.
43
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EMMA: Good idea.
44
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EMMA: Oh, look, Maro. Isn't that where
you were going to take Joe snorkelling?
45
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Yeah, it was, yeah.
46
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I brought him here as a baby
when I was filming.
47
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,759
How old was he?
48
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- About six months.
- Oh!
49
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You know, we could still stop.
We've got time.
50
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,393
I'll go snorkelling with you if you want.
I could be Joe.
51
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,750
You, dressed in a nappy, crawling
around on the beach, eating sand
52
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,756
only has limited appeal.
53
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It wouldn't be for everyone,
I mean, I'm the first to admit.
54
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,479
No, it was a long time ago,
when I was still married to his mum.
55
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,953
Yeah...
56
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:21,474
(AS WILLIE NELSON)
To all the girls I loved before
57
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,354
Who travelled in and out my door
58
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,153
I'm glad they came along
59
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,668
I dedicate this song
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00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,030
To all the girls I loved before
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(AS JULIO IGLESIAS)
To all the girls who cared for me...
62
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,790
(ROB HUMS)
63
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:47,710
Who filled my nights
with... ecstasy
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They live within my heart
65
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,792
There'll always be a part
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00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:00,356
Of all the girls I've loved before
67
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BOTH: The winds of change
are always blowing
68
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,709
And every time I try to stay
69
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:14,834
The winds of change
continue blowing
70
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And they just carry me away
71
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,072
ROB: (AS WILLIE NELSON)
To all the girls we've loved before
72
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:30,114
STEVE: (AS JULIO IGLESIAS)
We've had them in and out our doors...
73
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,793
Do you know who lives in Malaga?
74
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,116
- The mayor of Malaga.
- Yes, correct.
75
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,230
- Thank you.
- And Sean Connery.
76
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,989
Marbella, Mr. Coogan, Marbella.
You make the mis... He lives in Marbella.
77
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,837
Yeah, but he flies into Malaga.
78
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(AS SEAN CONNERY) By all accounts, he is a
very well-respected pillar of the society.
79
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,470
(AS SEAN CONNERY) Yes, he's very active
in civic duties.
80
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,830
I like to get involved.
The recycling, for example,
81
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,758
plastics on a Friday,
cardboard on a Saturday.
82
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,673
"Do you expect me to talk?"
83
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,870
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
84
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,433
Salad.
85
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,674
Thank you.
86
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,312
- Gracias.
- Buen provecho!
87
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,353
(AS CONNERY) When he met
Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman
88
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,879
to discuss the role,
89
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,832
as he left the meeting,
they looked out of the window
90
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:29,237
and said he - not yet - and said...
What are you doing?
91
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,032
(AS SEAN CONNERY) Getting ready
to do Sean Connery.
92
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,072
You appear to be doing him already.
93
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,317
As he left the building
and he walked out across Regent Street,
94
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,713
they looked down and said,
95
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,432
"That man is Bond, he moves
96
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,674
- "like a panther."
- Like a panther.
97
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,280
- Like a panther.
- Yes, but walking like a panther
98
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,756
is not enough to bag you
the role of James Bond,
99
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,349
because, of course, Bond is also
something of a bulldog...
100
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- He was primarily a panther.
- He had to be...
101
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,110
- He had to walk like a panther...
- ...and a bulldog.
102
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,357
Apologies if I've been dragging
my arse round the carpet
103
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,311
because I may have worms.
104
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,794
I have a very itchy anus,
I apologise now.
105
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,798
But it's part and parcel
of being a panther and a dog.
106
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,239
When you introduce me to Blofeld,
107
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,032
perhaps I should curl up
and lick my balls.
108
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,470
- (ROB BARKS)
- How about when he says,
109
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,794
"Ah, Mr. Bond, we meet again,"
110
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I simply bare my teeth and go...
111
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,836
(HE GROWLS)
112
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(AS BLOFELD) Bad dog, Mr. Bond. Bad dog.
113
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,559
(AS ALAN BENNETT) Shut that door.
Oh! Place is alive.
114
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,830
- Do you know who I'm doing?
- Do you know what really bugged...?
115
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,757
- Oh, wow!
- Ham.
116
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,756
- Nice to see some ham.
- It's just a waste.
117
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,074
- Me and Rob can have it.
- Here you go, Rob.
118
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Fill your boots.
119
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I think I make...
I make quite a good knight, don't I?
120
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,438
- Yeah.
- You do, actually, yeah.
121
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,835
With the best will in the world,
you could never be El Cid.
122
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,792
You could be a chap called Sid.
Just not El Cid.
123
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,068
I could be Old Cid.
124
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,111
- Yeah. You could be Old Cid.
- Yeah, the Old El Cid.
125
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,594
Look me in the eye and tell me
you think you could play El Cid
126
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,279
in a remake,
the Charlton Heston role.
127
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,436
Never known anyone take longer
to masticate.
128
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:11,754
- I think you...
- He's thinking.
129
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:12,869
Should masticate, it's important.
130
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,672
Yeah, but not for the length
that you do it.
131
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,790
Yes, I... I would have been a good...
132
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,308
Years of my life spent looking at him
going like this...
133
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,715
- I would have...
- (SHE LAUGHS)
134
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,990
Steve, look at me.
This is what I see.
135
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,558
- Hm, hm, hm.
- Going like that.
136
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Like Bob Monkhouse.
137
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,549
You certainly could play
Michael Hordern in El Cid.
138
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- Who did he play?
- Someone's dad, I can't remember.
139
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:35,716
Oh!
140
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,591
- Know who Michael Hordern was?
- Michael Hordern?
141
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,995
- He was the voice of Paddington.
- Michael Hordern would go...
142
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,918
- (SINGSONG) ...Paddington Bear.
- Yeah, I loved his voice!
143
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,349
That wasn't Michael Hordern,
that was Michael Hordern's horse.
144
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,152
Michael... Hordern.
145
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,316
Didn't he do No Man's Land
with Gielgud?
146
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,157
You wouldn't know, it was theatre.
147
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,394
- But he did.
- Did he?
148
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,271
Yeah. You know who's doing it now?
149
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,118
(AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen.
"You shall not have the ring."
150
00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:00,232
(AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen speaks
like that, with a slight...
151
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,350
However, refines
his northern flat vowels.
152
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,674
- Finished?
- Yes, gracias.
153
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:04,709
Finito.
154
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,512
Muchas gracias.
155
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,598
You're missing a bit of camp-ness,
you see, because Ian...
156
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,359
Well, no, I think you overplayed that
because...
157
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,755
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Because his acting, his role,
158
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,153
you don't quite get it.
159
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,758
- I've spoken to Ian in person.
- I can speak...
160
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,074
"Oh, you do make me laugh," he said.
161
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,078
- I have met him many, many times!
- How many times have you met him?
162
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,394
- Many, many times!
- How many?
163
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,399
And you don't get the musicality
when he throws the line
164
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- up to the gods...
- That was good. That was good.
165
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,232
...and then brings it back down,
but still with the flat vowels.
166
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,919
They're very much in evidence,
however much he may try
167
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,918
to be received pronunciation
with the vowels.
168
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,109
"Oh, you do make you laugh.
169
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,230
"You really... Oh, you do make me laugh.
170
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,273
"Oh, we need a laugh, don't we?
Oh, you do make me laugh, Rob. You do."
171
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,436
Does he do that more in private, though?
172
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,710
Cos when he met me, he said,
"You're a very good actor."
173
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- ALL: Ooh!
- Enjoy.
174
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,038
Thank you. Gracias.
175
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,072
Do you want to come back with me?
I can get you on the same flight.
176
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,588
No, I'll stay, thank you. I'm going to
write, I'm going to finish my book.
177
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,995
I think the word you're looking for
is "start".
178
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,996
I could book you somewhere,
I don't know, by the coast
179
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,109
where there's a bit of life.
180
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,355
- Round here?
- Yeah. Well, not around here.
181
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,630
- Don't send Steve to the Costa del Crime.
- No.
182
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,274
Anything could happen,
fall in with a bad lot.
183
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,515
- Do you want Mimi to come out?
- (COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, Steve.
184
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,709
Seen a lot of your shows.
185
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,150
Come and have a drink.
Miguel, get a drink for Coogan.
186
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,111
- Who's that?
- Yeah, who is that?
187
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,276
I'm a general, sort of, Cockney criminal.
188
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,198
I'm living down on
the Costa del Crime, Stephen.
189
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,073
Listen, my wife,
she loves a lot of your stuff.
190
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,475
Not so much the Philomena,
she couldn't get to grips with that.
191
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,114
But she loves the Alan Partridge.
192
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,354
A-ha!
193
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,312
Why don't you come and join us?
Have a drink.
194
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,351
Yeah, is there something wrong
with your tongue, mate?
195
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,755
You look a bit like you've had a stroke.
196
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,268
Yeah, well, I've been in the sun.
Sunstroke, sweetheart.
197
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,197
- Don't touch her.
- What?
198
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,390
This is what you've got waiting for you
down the Costa...
199
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,795
I'll keep you up by the back of Maro.
200
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,114
If you want to take me on, Stephen,
201
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,991
I will take you to Chinatown
and tie you down.
202
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,316
(ROUGH VOICE) If you want to do a criminal
and actually commit to doing someone...
203
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,272
- Who are you doing?
- I'm doing Bob Hoskins, ain't I?
204
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,072
- Oh, well, that helps.
- This is my manor.
205
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,315
Now, there's been an eruption!
206
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,510
Ssh! Not too loud, Stephen.
207
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,711
I used to be on On The Move,
the programme for illiterate people.
208
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,193
D-O-G, dog.
209
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,312
C-A-T, cat.
210
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,397
Wherever you see this sign,
you'll get help reading and writing,
211
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,237
all right?!
212
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,113
Now there's been an eruption of spelling.
213
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,869
Thinking about Joe,
20 is a young age to have a child.
214
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,353
How old were you when you had your kids?
215
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,389
43.
216
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,716
- A bit of a difference.
- Yes.
217
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,399
I didn't drink until I was 35,
had my first child at 43.
218
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,237
Are the two related?
We'll never know.
219
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,999
How old...?
What's her name, the girlfriend?
220
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,996
- Helen, she's 19.
- (SHE GASPS)
221
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,553
19!
222
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,477
Only 19 years old.
223
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,795
BOTH: (AS MICHAEL CAINE)
She was only 19 years old.
224
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,558
I don't mean any disrespect,
Steve, but...
225
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,672
She was only 19, she was only...
You've got to get the voice...
226
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,154
You've got emotion in your voice
when you say it.
227
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,713
- She was only...
- Now he has.
228
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:09,715
...19 years old.
229
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,910
Joe has met a young lady...
230
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,077
She was only... 19... years old.
231
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,590
When Joe and Helen had a child,
232
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,710
she was only 19 years old.
233
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,115
She was only...
It's actually 16 in the film.
234
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,388
I know that.
235
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,512
But Helen was only 19 years old.
236
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,471
And she had a child with Joe.
237
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,308
She had a grandfather who was
so talented, who was so gifted...
238
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,477
- He was only...
- The grandfather was only 50 years old.
239
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,635
50 years old.
240
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,678
Hey, do you know who was born
in Malaga?
241
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:44,914
- No.
- Picasso.
242
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,109
- Who?
- Picasso.
243
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,071
- Is that true?
- Yeah!
244
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,712
They've opened a museum to him.
245
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,193
Who played Picasso
in a very popular film...?
246
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,673
No, come on!
247
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:53,869
Who was it? No, ask Emma.
248
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,433
Who played Picasso?
249
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,835
Guess.
It's one of Rob's five impressions.
250
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,599
- That should narrow it down.
- It wasn't Tom Jones.
251
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,073
- It wasn't Tom Jones.
- No.
252
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,314
Wasn't Tom Jones, OK - getting closer.
253
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,554
- Spanish?
- We're getting warmer.
254
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,830
Tony Hopkins,
Tony Hopkins played him.
255
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,029
- Really?
- In Surviving...
256
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,399
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS)
Surviving Picasso.
257
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,431
I played the painter, wonderful man.
258
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,629
I don't like to talk about it.
259
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,513
I like to draw. I like to put the eyes
here, the nose there...
260
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,913
He played Picasso as a Welshman?
261
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,191
Well, he didn't do a Spanish accent,
Steve.
262
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,229
Did he not?
263
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,679
He doesn't have your versatility,
let's be honest.
264
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,950
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS)
He learned to paint and he painted
265
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,753
the paintings in a figurative way,
he knew how to do still life.
266
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,758
And he knew how to do,
you know, paint the...
267
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,438
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Pablo, Pablo,
some of the men
268
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,675
are saying that you're painting
in a very strange way.
269
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,234
They're saying that the nose
is where the eyes should be.
270
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,077
Some of them are saying
you're a Cubist.
271
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,032
Oh, "Pablo", is it?
Not "captain" or "sir"? Hm, eh?
272
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,229
There are rumblings, Pablo.
273
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,679
They want me to put the nose
in the front of the face?
274
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,359
In the middle, like that, right?
And the eyes next to the nose?
275
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,389
- Is that what you want?
- Yes.
276
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,000
(SHOUTING) Tell your men
that I'll put the nose where the cheek is
277
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,156
and I'll put the eyes up here
and the mouth round the corner
278
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,668
and we'll sail around the Cape of
Good Hope, God damn your eyes, sir!
279
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,154
We'll put the eyes where I want to
and the nose where I want to.
280
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,839
If you turn your back on me,
I shall put two eyes on your back
281
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:01,915
and a nose down by your arse.
282
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,791
Do you want that, sir?
Is that what you want, sir?
283
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,875
Don't turn your back on me.
284
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,911
I will draw you like a Cubist.
That's what I'll do.
285
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,554
If you turn your back on me,
I'll put your nose on your bottom, sir.
286
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,034
Round the Horn is a good way.
Round the Horn we shall go.
287
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,958
What's interesting about Picasso is,
why I love him,
288
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,309
his early paintings are very orthodox.
289
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,918
- Very accessible.
- EMMA: Yeah, yeah.
290
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,349
He knew how to do all that,
but he said, "That's not enough.
291
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,710
"I want to rewrite the rule book
and be radical and avant-garde."
292
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,671
- Are you a bit like Picasso, Steve?
- And that's...
293
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,280
Well, I empathise
with his point of view.
294
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,629
Yes, he is, he is, he is, he is!
He's going to say it.
295
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,875
- What I'm saying is...
- Can I record this? Hang on, hang on.
296
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,350
I'd rather we deified people
who did great things for no money.
297
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,197
Those are the people
we should be talking about,
298
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,800
not people who can do this great thing
when they made a few bob on the side
299
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,875
cos they did X, Y and Z.
300
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,036
I don't give a flying fuck
about people who made lots of money.
301
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,675
I give a fuck about people who try
to change the world in a noble way.
302
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,837
I agree. All I'm saying is,
303
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,112
Chris Evans did very well
planting palm trees in Portugal...
304
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,275
I'm delighted for him.
305
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,675
- ...and selling them to people who'd...
- Well, that's great for him.
306
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,029
I'm delighted that he's made money
out of palm trees.
307
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,832
- EMMA: Hola.
- Hola, buenas tardes.
308
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,555
Buenas tardes. I've got a reservation,
Steve Coogan.
309
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:19,232
"This castle is Gibralfaro, named after
the same man as Gibraltar.
310
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:23,159
"When the Moors came in 711,
there were only a few thousand.
311
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,079
"Within a couple of years,
they controlled almost all of Spain."
312
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,759
That's exactly the same as Isis,
313
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,598
the modern caliphate, because there's only
a few thousand of them
314
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,313
and yet, they control half of Syria
and half of Iraq.
315
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,032
They're trying to emulate
what the Moors did
316
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,833
when they had control of everywhere
from Cordoba to Baghdad.
317
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,474
EMMA: Well, Isis aren't tolerant...
They're not doing it with tolerance.
318
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,192
No, they're not, but Islam is...
319
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,435
Can we stop talking about Isis?
320
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,711
Cervantes was captured by Barbary pirates
and taken to Algiers
321
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,877
and there was a price on his head
and when the ransom was paid,
322
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,751
he let his brother go instead of him.
323
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,915
Is that true?
324
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,951
- That is true.
- He let his brother go
325
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,399
- when he could have gone?
- Yeah.
326
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,589
- Wow!
- I know.
327
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,108
Not sure I'd do that.
Would you do that? Let your brother go?
328
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,196
Er... probably not.
329
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,514
No, I don't think I would either.
330
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,120
- With the best will in the world.
- No.
331
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,230
If my child was there,
they could take my child.
332
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,315
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
333
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,713
I'd let any child go.
334
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:14,829
Any child?
335
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,634
Any child, as long as it...
You know, not any child.
336
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,557
I mean, they'd have to be worth
the effort.
337
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,273
Well, Cervantes, when he tried to escape,
he was captured.
338
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,595
He had a noose around his neck,
he was taken to Hassan,
339
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:26,834
the leader of Algiers,
340
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,553
and he became his lover
to literally save his neck.
341
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,591
- Bum or neck?
- Yes.
342
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,471
- If that is what it comes down to, yes.
- Life or bum.
343
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,875
Well, either way, you're buggered.
344
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,276
Let me say now, I'm in. I...
345
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,595
- Really?
- He's in, rather. He's in.
346
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,029
Ah, but they become lovers,
so it would be in-out, in-out.
347
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,991
- See that ferry?
- EMMA: Yeah.
348
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,793
That's the ferry for Africa.
349
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,353
- Really?
- Hm.
350
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,195
Yeah, it's always good
to say goodbye...
351
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,790
...in the mist, like, er...
352
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,638
at the end of Casablanca.
353
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,069
(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Could be
the start of a beautiful friendship.
354
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,951
(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
355
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,638
- Could be the start of...
- You've got to get the depth.
356
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,274
I've got the depth right there.
357
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,795
Look at that mystical city.
358
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,350
Right, I'm going to make a move.
359
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,595
Um... early flight.
360
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,915
Yeah, me too, actually.
361
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,439
- Oh, yeah.
- Hm.
362
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,671
- Oh.
- Say our goodbyes now.
363
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,153
- OK, OK.
- Yeah.
364
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,077
- Sure you're going to be all right?
- Yeah.
365
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,032
Yeah, I'm going to look forward
to this week, writing and...
366
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,433
- All right, good.
- ...what have you.
367
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,630
You know. Hey!
368
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:40,954
What can we say?
369
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,319
It's been... a week.
370
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,759
And I'll see you...
371
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,511
In another country.
372
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,357
- In the future.
- Yeah, in the future.
373
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,913
- Have fun now.
- Yeah, OK.
374
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,632
Bye.
375
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,113
And we disappear into the mist.
376
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,193
ROB: Could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
377
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,194
(STEVE SIGHS)
378
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,633
- Buenos dias.
- Hi.
379
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,398
- Oh, you're English!
- Yeah.
380
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,715
My name's Ambrose,
I'm the son of the owners here.
381
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,159
Oh, right! Great, great.
382
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,236
- Can I help you with your bags?
- Yeah, sure.
383
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,233
So, this will be your room.
384
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,919
Oh, this is great, yeah. Very cosy.
385
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,874
Now, we thought there were going
to be two of you, but...
386
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,832
Yeah, my son was going to come,
but he couldn't make it.
387
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,431
- Well, I'll leave you now.
- OK.
388
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,710
- How old are you, by the way?
- 17.
389
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,830
Ha! OK, thank you.
390
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,029
- Yep.
- Thanks, Ambrose.
391
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,157
(HE EXHALES LOUDLY)
392
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,392
Guess who it is!
393
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,192
Hey!
394
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,878
How's it been?
395
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,150
- It was good.
- Yeah?
396
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,395
- Where's the team? Hiya!
- We're all here.
397
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,078
Where are you? Hey!
398
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,031
- We missed you.
- Come on.
399
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,117
Daddy!
400
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,275
Oh!
401
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,159
- How's my girl?
- Good!
402
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,315
- You good?
- Good!
403
00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,475
Who's your favourite parent?
404
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,112
- You.
- Yay!
405
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,752
Thanks!
406
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,597
Hi.
407
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,757
OVER PHONE: Hi, how are you?
408
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,155
- I'm good.
- Where are you?
409
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:15,797
I'm in Andalusia,
in the mountains. It's great.
410
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,432
Is Joe there?
411
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,152
No, he's not, no.
412
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,156
Look, you should come out here.
413
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,428
I can't.
414
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,948
Why not? What is it, work?
415
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,150
I just can't.
416
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,236
Why? Why not?
417
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,033
I'm pregnant.
418
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,713
What?
419
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,637
Yeah, I know, it's stupid.
420
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,114
(DOGS HOWL IN DISTANCE)
421
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,037
Well, is it mine?
422
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,436
No.
423
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,837
Is it Adam's?
424
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:50,949
Yeah.
425
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,070
Are you sure?
426
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,236
Pretty sure.
427
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,238
I thought you weren't sleeping
with him any more.
428
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,352
Look, I gotta go.
He's waiting for me downstairs.
429
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,392
What, he's back in New York?
430
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,908
Yeah. Look, I gotta go.
431
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,150
I'm sorry. Take care.
432
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,111
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
433
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,389
Turtle on your head, turtle on
your head, turtle on your head
434
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,839
BOTH: Turtle on your head
Turtle on your head
435
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,313
? Turtle on my head. ?
436
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,909
It's the number one song in the charts -
Turtle On Your Head.
437
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,916
I thought Charlie was going to be in bed.
438
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,837
Technically he's in bed now,
aren't you, Charlie?
439
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:35,915
- Yep.
- Cos dinner is ready.
440
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,748
Hola, senor. Quiere pasar al restaurante?
441
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,711
- Le apeteceria?
- Er...
442
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,313
- No. No esta noche.
- Muy bien.
443
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,954
- Soy no muy hambriento.
- Muy bien, gracias.
444
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,996
- Hm...
- Oh, I've missed you.
445
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,678
I've missed you too.
446
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,678
(AS HUGH GRANT) But now Hugh is back
447
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,077
and there's no reason that we can't
resume hostilities
448
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,750
as we did... before we left.
449
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,870
- (BABY CRIES)
- Oh, God.
450
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,912
- Right, that's you, not me.
- No, it's your turn.
451
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,109
- You can climb over.
- I've...
452
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,718
- Come on.
- I've been doing it all week.
453
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,593
- I've been away for a week.
- (BABY CRIES)
454
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,197
Quickly and then we can get back
to what we were doing.
455
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,356
Oh, no, the moment's gone.
You can forget that.
456
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,470
- I might have fallen asleep.
- (BABY CRIES)
457
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,990
What's the matter? Did you drop him?
Have you dropped him, eh?
458
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,395
Did you want him? Yes!
459
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,918
The dragon looked back from the top
of the castle, he said,
460
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,791
"I think you're scared of me.
461
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,037
"I'm the biggest dragon
in the whole world."
462
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,992
- It's going to turn orange, isn't it?
- Yeah.
463
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,758
Right, darling, have a gorgeous day.
464
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,439
Mummy's picking you up, OK,
but I'll be home when you get back.
465
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,152
? Like a wheel within a wheel... ?
466
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,428
- Love you.
- Bye.
467
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,277
See you, have a good day.
468
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,435
...On an ever-spinning reel
469
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,550
Like a snowball down a mountain
470
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,477
Or a carnival balloon
471
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,717
Like a carousel that's turning
Running rings around the moon
472
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,435
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
473
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,712
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
474
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:21,675
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind
475
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,349
Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
476
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,949
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
477
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,232
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
478
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,716
? Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream... ?
479
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,591
Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
480
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,638
Hope everything is OK.
481
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,591
Call me. Let's...
482
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,752
...touch base on what's going on.
483
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,392
...In the windmills of your mind
484
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,510
Keys that jingle in your pocket
485
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,630
Words that jangle in your head
486
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,148
Why did summer go so quickly?
487
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,792
Was it something that you said?
488
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,435
Lovers walk along the shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
489
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,519
? Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers ofyour hand...? ?
490
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,357
- Hola.
- Hola.
491
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,719
Hola.
492
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,719
...Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
493
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:17,914
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
494
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:22,875
That the autumn leaves were turning
to the colour of her hair
495
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,876
? A circle in a spiral... ?
496
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,069
Hello.
497
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,714
Hey! How are you doing?
498
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,797
Where are you? It's noisy.
I thought you were in the mountains.
499
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,400
It's just the streets here
in Malaga, you know?
500
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,239
You're not in a bar, are you?
501
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,794
No, I'm not in a bar, no, no.
Hey, listen, er...
502
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:43,150
OK, so I'm calling because, er...
503
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,516
...um, I want to be with you.
504
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,472
- I know, but...
- I don't care about the baby...
505
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,956
I mean, I do care about the baby.
What I mean is I...I...
506
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:57,676
You know, I'll bring it up with you.
You know, we can raise it together.
507
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,551
It'll have two dads.
508
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,716
Lots of people do that.
509
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,910
Yeah, lots of gay men.
510
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,670
So it will have two dads and one mum.
That's... It'll be a lucky kid.
511
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,234
I don't know.
I'm in New York, you're in London.
512
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,874
I'll move to New York.
I love New York, you know that.
513
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,593
- It's...
- (CHURCH BELL TOLLS)
514
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,279
- Why don't you come out?
- I don't know.
515
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,529
Come out. I'll tell you what,
we can go to the Atlas Mountains.
516
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,830
You remember that hotel
that you really like.
517
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,668
I mean, I can get the ferry
from here and, er...
518
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,076
You know,
I can almost see Africa from here.
519
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,596
Brrrr-ah! Brrr-aaahh.
520
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,517
Oh-ah!
521
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,835
(HE YAWNS)
522
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,913
(SLAPPING)
523
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,319
(BEEPING)
524
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:05,955
Hello.
525
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,351
Nice surprise...
526
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,552
You're here already.
527
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,113
I've been waiting for you.
528
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:19,794
I've missed you.
529
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:21,398
I've missed you.
530
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,474
I love you.
531
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,352
Ah, fuck.
532
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:17,595
(MOBILE RINGS)
533
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,198
Hello.
534
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,754
- Oh, hello. Rob?
- Hiya. Emma?
535
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,792
I was just wondering,
have you heard from Steve?
536
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,717
No. Why? Should I?
537
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,593
He's checked out of the hotel
and I don't know where he is.
538
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,677
- Is he lost in La Mancha?
- Yeah.
539
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,030
He's normally on the phone to me ten times
a day, which is why I'm a bit worried.
540
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,277
He'll be sitting somewhere
talking to a nun
541
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,551
and asking her
if she's heard of Judi Dench.
542
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,199
(SHOUTING) Allahu Akbar!
Allahu Akbar!
543
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,037
Like a circle in a spiral
544
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,071
Like a wheel within a wheel
545
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:32,590
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
546
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,756
Like a snowball down a mountain
547
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,756
Or a carnival balloon
548
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,236
Like a carousel that's turning
Running rings around the moon
549
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,989
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
550
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:47,715
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
551
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,876
Like the circles that you find
552
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,832
? In the windmills of your mind. ?
553
00:28:52,882 --> 00:28:57,432
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