Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGS)

ROB: Hello?

Hello, Rob? Steve Coogan...

- What's this? - Steve Coogan.

Hey, how are you?

Great, how are you?

Yeah, good, where are you?

I'm in London, just got back from filming in New York. I play a chef.

It's called Medium Rare.

Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch of the series.

(CHILD WAILS)

They want me to do a series of restaurant reviews,

This time, a trip to Spain.

(DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Please, you're hurting me.

(AS MARLON BRANDO) Do you wish to confess?

No.

You know all Jews were told to leave the country,

by order of the Catholic king and queen.

Yes, but I'm not a Jew,

I'm a Catholic, a Roman Catholic.

If you're Catholic, then you must respect my authority.

My authority comes from the Pope.

I've met the Pope.

My lord, I met the Pope. I met His Holiness, at the Vatican,

and he saw a film I made.

- You're lying. - I'm telling the truth.

He didn't see the film, but his advisers did

and they gave him a breakdown of the film, and he approved it.

You're a heretic.

My lord, I am not a heretic. I'm not Jewish, I'm not Muslim,

I am a Roman Catholic. I promise you, I don't know the Koran,

I hardly know the Old Testament,

I was an altar boy...

Sssh...

Do you respect my authority?

Well...

Do you respect my authority?

- Why are you mumbling? - What?

What did you say?

You're not enunciating, enuncio.

I'm sorry, Esteban, do you respect my authority?

Yes, I respect your authority.

Take him away.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

What's going to happen now?

I've not done anything, I haven't...

Why are they taking me backwards?

I've not done anything!

I'm a Catholic...

(HE SIGHS)

Hey, guess where I'm taking Joe at the end of this week?

There - look.

- Zip wire? - Yeah, longest one in Spain.

- Have you done this already? - Yeah, I've done about five in the UK,

a couple in Europe.

Word of warning, what's the age limit on this?

There's no age limit,

as long as you're fit.

There's a height restriction.

Well, we were in Italy last year and there was white water rafting...

Yeah?

So, I thought I'd check out, you know, the age.

Eight to 55.

So, by the time Charlie's old enough to do it...

- That's ridiculous -...I'll be too old.

- I know. - 55?

- That's ridiculous. - Why can you not

white water raft at 55?

I might get some fake ID or something like that.

Yeah, you'll have to get a fake ID, like a teenager.

John Jones, born in 1970, I'm a carpenter from Wrexham.

- You say you're a carpenter? - That's right.

Simple question -

you're building a bog-standard tongue-and-groove,

glue-and-peg wooden bench for outside.

What kind of wood do you choose if you want it to weather

into a nice silvery patina - ash, beech, teak?

A simple question.

(ROB MIMICS HEARTBEAT)

I'll have to hurry you,

there's other people want to get on this white water raft.

Um...

Could you tell me the woods again?

Ash, teak, beech.

Ash, teak, beech?

Beech.

No, mate, it's teak.

Any carpenter worth his salt will tell you that.

- Don't cry, Charlie. - You're not a carpenter, mate.

Please let us go on,

- it's the only chance I've got to... - On your way. On... your... way.

Don't cry, Charlie, don't cry. Maybe Mummy can take you.

Look at the boy, he's crying.

- How old are you? - What?

- How old are you? - I'm 56.

Oh, for Christ's sake - go on, get on, just...

Thanks a lot, oh...

Shooting pains down my arm.

Don't tell me that, I just broke the rules for you, you knob.

Give me a minute. I'm going light-headed.

All right, thank you. Come on, Charlie.

Not so fast, son.

I find it quite difficult walking on these...

- Cobbles? - No, I do find it difficult.

Bit early for that, innit?

You know, walking downhill, very good if you engage your abs.

- Yeah, course. - And if you engage your abdominals,

it takes the pressure off your knees.

Who told you that?

You can feel it, anatomically, I figured it out.

Hardly stand up to a focus group, would it?

You wouldn't show it to a focus group...

Clinical trials, it wouldn't stand up to clinical trials.

- Exactly, not a focus group. - Clinical trials.

- That's why I said clinical trials. - OK, yeah.

You don't need clinical trials.

If you listen to your body, you figure it out,

it's like a shock absorber

so the knee doesn't have to take all the impact.

STEVE: Wow!

ROB: Big. Bigger than it looks from outside.

Take your hat off in church.

Frowned upon.

I'm trying to find out where the bomb damage is

from, you know, from when Franco and the Nazis...

Exhibition there with Cervantes and Shakespeare, there, look.

Why would they have the two of them in one exhibition?

They both died in the same year.

They seem to have done a very good repair job.

I can't see any damage.

Maybe it wasn't this part of it that got damaged.

The workmanship of this is a testament

to all the workers who helped construct it,

and yet Franco, very happy, despite claiming to be a Catholic,

to bomb the shit out of a religious building,

which just shows you what kind of a vandal he was.

We're having flooring just like this in the kitchen.

Partners, there, buried, lying next to each other for eternity.

(HE SHUDDERS)

First collected edition of Shakespeare's works.

1623, so, only six, seven years after his death -

already, they realised what they'd lost.

Rob, Rob!

Electronic '80s album cover.

Very good.

I'm holding my stomach in while I do this.

Walking downhill is actually better for that, you know.

Yes, but I hold it in pretty much all the time now.

(WHIRRING)

Spanish Inquisition over there, torturing someone with a dental drill.

(DOG BARKS)

Kind of you.

Go on.

WOMAN: Hola. ROB: Hola.

- Buenos dias. - Buenos dias.

Tiene una reserva?

- Reservaci�n con... - Reservaci�n con...

- Coogan. - Coogan.

Oh, it's red.

Gracias.

I like wine.

Encantado.

Gracias.

When you're testing the wine, you just say "bueno".

"Es bueno", it's good.

You don't say "charming".

Pisco sour.

Citrus, non.

Alcohol, nada.

- OK. OK. - Pardon.

ROB: Gracias.

Is it denim week?

She's in there now, saying,

- "We've got a right pair, out there." - "Right pair out there.

- "They must be gay." - What did you say?

I said, "They must be gay.

- "If they're fussy..." - Why would you say that?

Well, we're fussy about what we're eating

and this T-shirt, probably, as well.

Right, tuck in.

What is it?

Is it raw fish?

I'm not a fan of raw fish.

It's interesting. Hang on.

Hmm, oh, yes, wow.

You've turned into Jimmy Savile.

(AS JIMMY SAVILE) Oh, marvellous.

That is knockout.

- Oh, look at these. - I forgot about these.

What's this?

What is it? It looks like squid.

- Oh, my God. - What is it?

- It's pork scratchings. - Is it?

I don't normally go for pork scratchings

but in a posh restaurant, it's different, innit?

You can see silver. You can see grey.

I know you don't dye your hair.

- But a lot of people think I do. - Yeah, I know.

A lot of people ask me.

Otro aperitivo, croquetas de erizo.

- Gracias. - Muchas gracias.

People ask you if I dye my hair?

People say, "Does Rob dye his hair?"

What do you say?

I say, "I don't know. You'd have to ask him."

Why don't you say, "No, I know he doesn't?"

I don't know.

Oh!

Like a Kate Bush video.

Give me a bit of Babooshka.

? She wanted to ask her husband... ?

- Wanted to test her husband. - She wanted to test her husband

BOTH: She knew exactly what to do

A pseudonym to fool him

? She couldn't have made... ?

Thank you.

Arroz meloso con rabitos de ib�rico y crema de ajo tostado.

Gracias.

- Muchas gracias. - Un poco m�s de vino?

S�, s�. I like wine.

It's vino. Yeah.

- Muchas gracias. - De nada.

So George Orwell came over to Spain in 1936.

One year after the birth of Elvis.

He came up to Barcelona with his wife, she stayed there.

- A mini-break. - She stayed there while he went...

It's a good place for a mini-break. Is that what they were doing?

Were they able to do that in those days?

Do you want to learn anything about the Civil War at all or do you just think,

"I don't really give a damn about the Civil War,

"I'm not that interested in it"?

I want to learn something about the Civil War.

OK - so, he came out to Barcelona, left his wife there,

went off to the front to fight, 50 miles away, and when he came back,

he was so disillusioned with the intellectuals

who were back in Barcelona.

When he went back there, he saw them all,

they'd become bourgeois,

they'd lost sight of their ideals,

he said they were eating fancy food in posh restaurants,

so he went back to the front one more time

and eventually got shot in the throat.

Couldn't speak for six months.

Where's a bullet to the throat when you need one?

I don't think if I were to say to Sally,

"I'm going off to fight",

she wouldn't stand there and just say, "Right, you run off to be killed."

Yeah, or kill?

That's a very good point cos that's something else I couldn't do.

I wouldn't fight in a war because I've got kids.

- I've got kids. - Yeah, but if I didn't have kids, I think

- I would be prepared. - I don't think you would.

I think you like to think you would, but I don't think you would.

You would entertain the troops. You'd go and do Alan Partridge

for the troops, that's what you would do.

And all these proper men who are giving over everything

would love it as you came out and went, "A-ha."

You know what I'd love? If a sniper got you at that moment.

"A... Ugh!"

You didn't even finish the "A-ha." You only get to "A..."

I'd do the "ha" as my dying breath.

- I don't think... - I would.

No, you wouldn't. A bullet to the head, you idiot.

- "Ha..." - You wouldn't say "A-ha."

- I'd get the "ha" out. - There would be no "ha".

I'd say,"If Steve were here now, I know what he'd say."

- Ha. - Ha.

Raya con berenjena y albahaca.

- Gracias. - Muchas gracias.

Now we're in business.

Wonderful.

- Fish... tastes good? - Mm. Nice ratatouille.

Redmayne, Cumberbatch.

Tim Hoddleston.

Tim Hoddleston, Damian Lewis,

all of them...

How many of those are Etonians?

There are too many posh actors and we need a cull.

You know, what no-one's ever noticed

is how Eddie Redmayne, the name,

is the sort of name that a...

upper middle-class girl would give to her pony.

- Yeah. - "Father..." - it's a chestnut mare -

"May I ride Eddie Redmayne this weekend?"

"You may, darling, would you like to get Mr. Hiddleston out of the stable, too?"

(SNORTING LAUGHTER)

"Come on, Eddie Redmayne. Come on, that's a good boy."

- (STEVE CLIP-CLOPS) - "Here comes Mr. Hiddleston."

(STEVE NEIGHS)

(CHEF SPEAKS SPANISH)

Lomo de cerdo con melocotones y vainilla.

- Gracias. - Muchas gracias.

Wow.

Wow.

Would you ever do Shakespeare on stage?

I would have liked to have played Hamlet.

That train has left the station.

Olivier played him when he was 42.

Olivier was a better actor than you.

- Well, a different actor. - A better actor.

A different actor.

- King Lear? - He's an old man.

He's not that old, he's a father.

You've got more in common with him than you have with a teenager.

- Have you lost something? - She has gone forever.

I know when one is living and one is dead.

And she is dead as earth.

Lend me a looking glass as if her breath...

...may mist or stain the stone.

Why then, she lives.

Very good. Very good, Midsomer Murders,

you're a father who has just been told his daughter has been killed

in a road accident and that is effective,

and we're straight into the adverts after that.

(AS MICK JAGGER) I have, of late, though wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth,

forgone all custom of exercise.

Indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition

that this goodly frame, the Earth, look you,

this fine o'erhanging firmament sky,

it seems nothing to me but a foul congregation of vapours.

Ehh!

Jumping Jack Flash.

Stones do Shakespeare, come on!

(AS MICK JAGGER) Oh, that this too,

too solid flesh would melt and resolve itself into a dew

or that the Everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self-slaughter.

Has Russell Brand ever done Shakespeare?

- Oh, God, God... - Mick Jagger.

You're doing Mick Jagger.

Hah!

- "Hah!" What's that? - All right...

"Hah, hah!" That's not Mick Jagger, that's just noises.

- Hi, Steve, how you doing? All right? - Hi, Steve...

Quiet, let me do it.

You can't do it, you're copying mine.

It isn't like that, it's all gay, he goes like that.

What a piece of work is a man?

He goes really deep sometimes. You can't get down there.

You can only go up there, you need to go up and down and do him properly.

Are you saying I can't get down there?

Are you seriously saying I can't get down there?

No, don't... Let's just say I do a better Mick Jagger.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

- Hi, Steve. - Hello, Emma, love.

How are you? How's it going?

Doing very well, yes.

Good, good. How is Rob doing?

Rob is great, he's doing very well indeed.

I'm good, I'm good.

You're on speakerphone, that's why I'm being nice.

- Hiya. How are you? - Hi, Rob. Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

I'm calling to remind you that I'm coming out to see you tomorrow.

- Yay. - Thank God.

I'm at breaking point.

OK, great, and I'm bringing Yolanda with me.

Do the photos for the New York Times.

Oh, great.

And the Observer.

I just wanted to remind you that they do want you to dress up

as Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, OK?

- (ROB GUFFAWS) - What a surprise.

Which one am I?

You are... You are Sancho Panza.

- ROB: Yay! - STEVE: Good. Supporting role, as ever.

ROB: "The Parador de Cuenca is a majestic former convent..."

Careful. "...perched above the Hu�car gorge

"with stunning views of the old town."

STEVE: Look at that, look at that. Oh, that's beautiful.

ROB: Don't look at it too much.

ROB: La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

? La, la, la, la... ?

Would you like to join me?

...La

BOTH: La, la, la-la

? La, la, la-la. ?

ROB: Join us.

This Sunday evening at seven...

? La, la, la... ?

...as we hum together...

? La, la, la, la-la... ?

...in Tunes You Might Remember.

? La, la, la-la... ?

Nigel Mansell there.

You realise your Holy Grail tonight.

A night spent in a convent.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello. - WOMAN: Hi, is that Rob Brydon?

- Speaking. - I've got Matt Jacobs foryou.

OK.

MATT: Rob Brydon!

Hello.

- Hi, Matt. - Hey, man, how are you doing?

I'm all right, how are you?

I'm good, how's London?

I'm in Spain, I'm not in London, I'm in Spain.

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Steve, how are you?

I've been better.

Do you know they've brought a new writer on to rewrite Missing?

Yes, but it's nothing, it's just standard,

it's just for a polish, that's all.

I'm with Steve,

with... with Steve Coogan.

Ah, Ste-ve Coogan, yeah, yeah, good, good.

Is this the Matt that's Steve's agent?

Yeah... Well, no, I mean, I've left the agency.

We met at Sundance, you remember that?

I've got two Oscar nominations.

The last film I wrote had four Academy Award nominations.

Yes, but, do you know what? He's great. He's up-and-coming.

Up-and-coming? I've up and come,

I've already up and come.

You have, no, absolutely, you have, Steve, you have.

Look, let me cut to the chase.

I saw you in the...

- The Horseman. - The Huntsman.

The Huntsman, I saw you in The Huntsman, I thought you were fantastic.

I mean, really, you burned up the screen. You've got it.

That little midget walk you did - the screen loves you,

but you were being underused.

Let me cut to the chase, OK?

You should be doing what Nick Frost is doing.

Well, I did. I did The Huntsman with him.

This is what I'm saying. You should be doing what James Corden is doing.

He's the biggest thing on TV...

I was with James in Gavin & Stacey.

I heard about that, it was supposed to be fantastic.

I missed it, but I'll definitely get a copy.

You should be the new Simon Pegg...

You should be, you could be, you will be, the new Ricky Gervais.

Oh, gosh, well, Ricky - that's what we all dream of.

What does Jeff think of this?

Jeff's fine with it. Jeff is very busy doing that other screenplay for Fox.

What script is Jeff doing for Fox?

- I didn't know that. - It's a script

- for George Clooney. - For George Clooney?

I had no idea about it. Another thing I had no idea about.

Have you ever done any hosting?

- Oh, gosh... - Any awards ceremonies?

I hosted the L.A. Baftas once.

The what?

They have L.A. Baftas?

Who do they give those to?

Listen, never mind - you should be hosting the Golden Globes.

This is what I'm talking about.

It's my script, I wrote it.

Well, I co-wrote it.

I'm producing it, I'm going to star in it,

not Tim Hoddleston or some other fucking posh twat.

This should be the best phone call - this will be

- the best phone call you've ever had. - Yes.

- It's my film, OK? - Of course it is.

That's what it's going to be. Good, thank you.

ROB: Wow.

Yeah, this would not pass building regulations back in the UK.

ROB: Look how low the handrail is.

Lindsay Kemp was the guy in The Wicker Man

who invited Edward Woodward into the pub.

He is also the guy who taught David Bowie mime.

That's where I know him from.

Did he teach him to dance in the street with Mick Jagger?

Doubtful, that's very... No, he's much more refined than that.

(AS JAGGER) We had a great time, didn't we, David, do you remember?

Yeah, I do remember.

You wore a really long coat, do you remember?

Yes, I do. It was very much improvised on the day.

That's right, it was very low budget.

For Comic Relief. So we just...

You had a really long coat.

Are you all right, Mick? You seem to be talking in a rather exaggerated way.

No, I'm just remembering the time. Do you remember, David?

- You had a long coat. - Have you dropped some speed?

- What? - You sound like you've done some speed.

I'm Mick Jagger, you know.

(GUITAR AND SINGING)

ROB: Gypsy Kings, the wilderness years.

STEVE: Yeah, it's a shame, what's happened to them.

British at the end.

Stands out like sore thumb.

That's what Laurie Lee did.

To pay his way around Spain. He busked.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

STEVE: You know that Cuenca was one of the last places

to fall to the fascists in the Civil War.

March the 29th, 1939.

Perfect position, it's up on a hilltop,

so very difficult to attack and very easy to defend.

Yeah, and they may very well have held out

if it were not for the fact that the army, the Republican Army,

turned against the socialist government.

If it weren't for that, Franco may well have not won.

Hola.

I gave you money before, mate.

Oh, yeah, sorry, fellas. Take care. You can have a drink with us

- if you want, though. - Yeah? You sure?

- Yeah, grab a beer. Have a seat. - That would be lovely.

- Cheers, man. - No worries.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

- ROB: Sound very good. - Thank you, mate.

- I especially like your backing singers. - Oh, yeah.

- Hardly the Ronettes, right? - Do you know them?

Yeah, I suppose - new acquaintances, maybe.

- Wow. - Yeah.

So, you guys, are you on holiday?

- No, we're working. - Oh, right.

I'm writing a book about my travel through Spain,

replicating a journey I did when I was a younger man.

Like, it's getting a little bit inspired by...

Gracias.

...Laurie Lee, you know,

When I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning.

Only we're driving it.

- Cheers. - Cheers, mate.

Yeah, I love Laurie Lee.

That's part of the reason, when I saw you busking there,

I said, "Oh, this is how Laurie Lee..."

Because he paid his way through Spain by doing the same thing.

With a violin, yeah, right on.

How long have you been here?

- Spain? - Yeah.

Like, nearly nine months, I think.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I've just been sort of travelling around,

trying to soak up the language and relying on the kindness of strangers.

Well, that's the authentic way to do it.

Yeah, it's all right.

- Strolling minstrel. - Exactly.

So are you guys staying in Cuenca long?

No, we're in... One day in every place. I'm writing restaurant reviews,

so we go to one town, we're there a day and then we go on.

Oh, have you been in San Sebastian for food?

It's the best place in Spain for food by a country mile.

I know.

We were near there, in Santander, weren't we?

- Yeah. - Or Catalonia?

Not just Barcelona, the food there's excellent.

Yeah, we just... Well, we're not... We thought...

We were going to go there but we thought it was a bit too obvious.

We're trying to do stuff that's a little bit, like, kind of,

the kind of nooks and crannies, slightly off the beaten track.

Like San Luca, near C�diz?

The tuna there is absolutely banging.

- Yeah, I know. - Love that.

It's more like the culture than the food, although...

Food is part of it, but it's more like the, kind of, cultural experience.

But if it's food and culture that you're looking for,

Valencia.

- Valencia? - Yeah, you probably know it.

- Yeah, I know. - Casa Montana.

- Yeah, it's the best. - I know.

And Valencia's got the Holy Grail.

- Yeah? - Yeah, in Valencia, yeah.

I was telling him that before I came out here,

I didn't realise that the Holy Grail was a physical thing.

I thought it was... just a figure of speech.

- Well, it's the real deal. - Yeah.

I thought it was in a monastery in the north.

Yeah. Well, it was, but then when El Cid, when he recaptured Valencia

- and drove the Muslims out... - Yeah.

...when the cathedral in Valencia was built,

they brought it down from the north

and put it in the cathedral in El Cid's honour.

It's no more that than the Shroud of Turin is the linen

that wrapped the body of Christ up, you know, so...

Yeah, that may as be, but...

It's really beautiful. You should check it out.

How long does it take to get to Valencia from here?

God, like Valencia's, like, two hours away, man. It's close.

Oh, let's go to Valencia.

Well, no, we're... We're not going to Valencia.

We've got a whole schedule. No.

We could go to Valencia, it's two hours.

We've got a schedule worked out.

We've got a preordained route taking in some...

Where's the fun in that? Stray from the path, man.

We sort of are straying from the path by not going to places like Catalonia, so...

- OK. - You can go there for us.

- I will. Again. - OK, again, yeah.

All right. Listen, I'm going to head back to the hotel,

anyway, so... I'm going to head off.

- Going back to the hotel? Now? - Yeah, yeah.

You're all right, you'll be all right, here, with... your man.

Get him to play you a few tunes. All right, mate.

Good luck with your Bo Diddley stuff.

- Thanks for the beer, man. - Yeah, no worries.

- OK. - All right. See you later.

Sorry about that.

Touched a nerve, no more. He doesn't like to be told things that...

...he thinks he knows.

Hello.

Hello.

You look delectable and tasty.

Like a piece of ham.

Oh, all right, then - you look sexy.

I don't feel very sexy.

I had a chat with the builders and they can't start for another month.

STEVE: Hey, Mischa.

Hi.

Where are you?

I'm in this amazing, medieval town in the middle of Spain.

And the whole town is built into the cliff face.

I had a fan phone call today.

Do you remember the agent Steve used to have in LA called Matt?

Sort of, yeah.

Look, when you come back,

I was thinking maybe we could go out to Rachel's for the weekend.

Fantastic, yeah, I'd love to do that.

Yeah, but you know what?

We'll definitely do that, but why don't you come out earlier?

I'm going to stay an extra week in Andalucia.

He wants me to go with him and be represented by him in LA.

Surely there's no point in that, is there?

Absolutely the right answer.

(AS HENRY KELLY) Well done. I give you two points for that.

That is what I will be telling this little American fellow in me own way.

- And it's too far away from me. - Yes, of course it is.

But isn't Joe supposed to come down?

Yeah, but he... he can do his own thing,

you know, he's a big boy.

- How old is he now? - He's 20 years old now.

Oh, you'd better watch out.

I might like him more than I like you.

Yeah, you're gross.

Look, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.

OK, bye.

(STEVE SIGHS)

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