Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGS)

ROB: Hello?

Hello, Rob. Steve Coogan.

- Who's this? - Steve Coogan.

Hey, how are you?

Great. How are you?

Good, where are you?

I'm in London, just got back from filming in New York.

I play a chef. It's called Medium Rare.

Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch of the series.

(CHILD WAILS)

They want me to do a series of restaurant reviews.

This time, a trip to Spain.

(PANTS HEAVILY)

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

San Esteban.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(BELLS CHIME)

(DOG BARKS)

"Monasterio de San Juan de la Pena

"is one of the most stunning sacred buildings in Aragon,

"if not in Spain.

"A popular detour for pilgrims

"as it was thought to contain the Holy Grail."

(COCK CROWS)

STEVE: Well, you could go and have a look, probably won't find it.

ROB: You can't find the Holy Grail because it doesn't exist.

We are speaking about a metaphor, but I'd love to have a look for it.

You don't know what the Holy Grail is?

- No. - It's the chalice that Jesus Christ

allegedly drank from

- at the Last Supper... - At the Last Supper.

I didn't know that. Why wouldn't I know that?

The poisoned chalice.

No, it's not the poisoned chalice, it's just the chalice that he drank...

- Chalice Doesn't Live Here Any More. - ...the wine from.

Chalice In Wonderland.

We each have our own Holy Grail personal to ourselves.

What would yours be?

I...

My Holy Grail is the search.

I like the fact that life is a journey

that you never... that you don't find the thing you're looking for.

We can have a look. Let me see how far away it is.

(ROB MURMURS)

ROB: Oh, hang on - one hour 23 minutes. Too far.

STEVE: No, well, let's not bother.

I'm not going to go that far to find the Holy Grail.

(AS ALAN BENNETT) "In the small town of Prejano,

"a gastronomic treasure is hidden.

"It is La Posada del Laurel,

"a Riojan restaurant serving traditional cuisine,

"which presents dishes prepared with creativity and a signature touch.

"They have a wonderful wine cellar.

"La Posada del Laurel will leave you with a great taste."

- Sounds nice, doesn't it? - Yeah.

"'It's nice to get out,' said Mam."

ROB: This is the area that Terry Gilliam was in

when he was trying to do Don Quixote.

Lost In La Mancha is the documentary about his failure to do so.

It's a show I would like to do.

- Man Of La Mancha. - Lost In La Mancha? Oh, Man Of...?

The stage musical.

It might be my next theatrical venture.

- Really? - Yes.

You get to sing The Impossible Dream- great song.

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

BOTH: To right the unrightable wrong

To love, pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into hell

For a heavenly cause

- And I know... - Ooh!

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart will lie peaceful and calm

- When I'm laid to my rest... - (EXHALES)

ROB: Given that this is Rioja,

I would've thought we'd see a lot more vines.

It's of no interest to me these days, Rob,

because I no longer drink alcohol.

I like wine, I like Rioja.

What's with all the dinosaur signs?

I suppose there's lots of dinosaurs who used to live around here.

I say we visit, because Chloe loves dinosaurs.

- Who's Chloe? - My daughter.

Oh.

- Gracias. - Por favor, quiero agua con gas.

WAITER: Perfecto.

Oh, this is...

- Si. - Muy bien, gracias.

That's lovely, that is.

(KITCHEN STAFF SPEAK SPANISH)

(CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER)

Salteado de verduras con trompetillas.

Muchas gracias.

- Salteado de verduras sin trompetillas. - Gracias.

- What did he say, mushrooms? - No, there's no mushrooms on yours.

- Mm. Mm. - Mmm.

That's nice. A bit salty.

It's not as fashionably al dente as some would be.

- No. - I quite like that.

Sometimes... I tell you what, this al dente fashion,

where I really resent it is in sprouts.

I can't stand a crunchy sprout.

I want it to have a bit of give in it, you know?

- Really? - Yeah.

I think there's a happy medium between the way grandmas did it...

- Which was essentially a broth. - Yeah.

I mean, there used to be a letter in Viz saying,

"Mums over 50 - don't forget the last day for putting on

"your vegetables to boil for Christmas dinner is December 10th."

I was an adult, I was a grown man

before I felt a firm sprout in my mouth.

- Ah. - Oh.

Pimientos del cristal asados a la lena.

Gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Muchas, muchas gracias.

Un poquito m�s de vino, le pongo?

Well?

- No, thank you. - Vale.

- What was he asking? - If you wanted some more wine.

Mm. Mm...

A terrible year, in many ways.

If you think about the number of people who've died.

- I mean, gifted people. - Yeah.

David Bowie's death was like - what did Tony Visconti say?

It was an artistic act, his death.

- Yeah, it was, it was remarkable. - He just disappeared. No funeral.

He literally just went pfft!

Had a song called Lazarus on his last record.

It was wonderful. It was actually brilliant.

Yeah, it was, it was admirable.

I told you about the time he was on the radio

and he wanted to mention me but couldn't remember my name.

- Really? - Mm.

He was being interviewed and the interviewer said,

"What do you do when you're on tour, on the bus?"

And he said he watched Cruise Of The Gods, that we did.

And he said, "You know the one.

(AS DAVID BOWIE) "It stars that guy."

- Really? - And he said, "Who?" Yeah.

And I was in the kitchen and I went, "My God!

- "He's about to mention me, David Bowie." - Are you sure he didn't mean me?

No, no, no, because he said, "You know, the one from Marion & Geoff..."

- Really? He said Marion & Geoff.? - Yes, yes.

Wow.

And I was going, "It's me, it's me." And the interviewer

was going, "No, I don't know, I don't know."

So he never said my name, but he was thinking of my face at that moment.

And when he died, I looked at his Twitter feed

and do you know what, Steve?

He followed me on Twitter.

Really?

You don't know what to do with that information, do you?

Well, no disrespect to you,

but he's just ever so slightly - I mean, microscopically -

diminished in my mind.

Just think - and I know you won't like this -

there will have been a time when he sat there with his phone and went,

(AS BOWIE) Shall I follow him?

Shall I follow him?

I think I shall

He's funny

Shall I follow

Rob Brydon?

I think I shall!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Shall I follow Rob Brydon?

(LOW-PITCHED) Or shall I follow Rob Brydon in my later years?

And that is when it was

? In his later years. ?

And he would have pressed on that button and clicked and followed me and seen

- every tweet. - Yeah.

Oh!

- Chuleta hierba y cordero lechal. - Gracias.

- (WAITER SPEAKS IN SPANISH) - Gracias.

Un poquito m�s de vino?

Si, gracias.

They've arranged it like

something Bear Grylls would build in the forest.

- Some sort of pyramid. - Yeah.

- No, a teepee. - Mm.

- Muchas gracias. - Lovely, really nice.

- Bueno, bueno. - Thank you.

- Very... Is it salty? - Mm.

- They love their salt, don't they? - It's natural.

- Natural salt of the lamb. - Mm.

- Terry Wogan, yeah? - Yeah.

- That was sad. - It was.

That was sad, cos it was sudden.

(AS WOGAN) Here one minute, gone the next.

He was someone we thought would always be around, wasn't he?

Because he'd been around, all my life.

Been around forever. And now he's gone, it's very sad.

It's kind of grotesque that we sit talking about death.

Look outside the window, look at that.

That'll be here when we're gone, we should enjoy it now.

We should be... If we had anything about us,

we'd be sitting on the top of that now, looking down at this.

- I do. - Agreed?

I do, I sometimes get up at the crack of dawn...

How does she feel about it?

Thank you.

...and head up to the top of a rugged fell...

How does she feel about it?

Didn't quite work, but never mind.

...and watch the dawn come up.

How does she feel about it?

Have you been up the Old Man of Coniston lately?

Er, I have, a few times.

How does he feel about it?

(STEVE SNIGGERS)

Helvellyn?

- It was. - It certainly is!

Ooh, look at this.

Souffle de caramelo a la sal con helado de coco.

Souffle de caramelo - caramel souffle.

That's lovely, isn't it?

- It's fantastic. - Yeah.

It's very, very good.

It's ever so nice.

Mmm!

I had a text from James yesterday, on his way to work.

- James who? - Driving along Sunset Boulevard.

- James who? - James Corden.

Oh, right.

- He is on top of the world. - Yeah.

Yeah, they offered me that gig.

(ROB CHUCKLES)

- What? - Seriously?

No, they didn't offer me, they enquired as to whether I was interested.

That would not be playing to your strengths.

- I said no. - Very wise.

I don't think you'd be good at hosting a talk show.

I wouldn't because I can't pretend to be interested in people I find dull.

You sometimes struggle with people that you like.

And I... within all... Yeah.

He's on the cover of GQ.

It says, "Mr. America -

"how James Corden became the most powerful man in television."

- Mm... most powerful man in television? - Hyperbole.

But you don't get that kind of a headline without some...

Yes, of course, that's true, that's true. But, you know, I don't envy him.

- No, no, no, no, why would you? - You know,

Iast time I looked, he had zero Oscar nominations.

The big thing is Carpool Karaoke.

- Two guys singing in a car. - Singing in a car.

Imagine pulling that off.

I wouldn't put a camera on it.

Que tal? Puedo...?

Gracias. Um... la cuenta, por favor?

- Si. - Also, um... dinosaurs?

Donde esta... los dinosaurs?

Dinosaurios... Si, todo esta es zono de dinosaurios.

- Oh! - Les traigo un folleto.

Gracias. He says there's lots of them in this area

and he's going to get something for us.

Sure he's not gone to get one?

It was as if he was saying, "I've got one out the back."

Very funny if he...

- With a lead. - He just came with a lead.

Just pulling it as if it was there,

and made some noises, Morecambe and Wise-style.

"Get back, get back!" - like that. And then he came in and went, "Oh, oh..."

He might, he... Oh, no, it's a pamphlet.

Ah, gracias.

- Y esto. Aqui, todo bien. - Muchas gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Um...

(AS HENRY KELLY) Well, it's that time again, it's a very special edition,

coming to you live from Espana, as they call it here.

It's time to play Guess The Bill. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the show. Always good to have you along.

Joining us again, our reigning champion, Stephen Coogan.

He comes from Pedantry in the north of England,

and the viewers really have taken to him.

Several letters. And a lot of them just saying, "Why?" So, Stephen,

here is the bill. Take a guess.

Bwwrrpp!

You're on live television - don't do that.

Is the bill 134.30 euro,

134.75 euro, 136.40 euro?

And I will ask you to hurry, Stephen.

The second one. You think it's the second one?

You're saying 136.40 euros? Stephen...

...you got it right!

- You've won. Ladies and gentlemen... - Yeah.

Give a wave to everybody at home,

- you conceited twat. - Before we go,

can you tell me again exactly where in Ireland you're from?

I'm from the county of Ireland, as you pointed out, in Donny-cork.

You won't win any friends with your lack of specificity on your Irish.

You really are a most objectionable arse of a man.

People just go, "Well, where's that from?"

- It's like me saying... - Look at this.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) "I'm from Scotland!"

Look at this. Stephen, Stephen.

(WHISTLES)

Kirk to Enterprise.

You're like a very small member of the Starship Enterprise.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Kirk to Enterprise.

I don't know what's happened, I got really small.

My communicator's kind of big.

Ow!

Can you do Captain Kirk?

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Course I can. Spock...

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Mr. Spock, coordinates, please.

That's Elvis.

It's Pierce Brosnan, that was your Pierce Brosnan!

- It wasn't. Mr. Spock...

- Your coordinates, please. - Your coordinates, please.

Mr. Spock.

- What? - What?

Love is a strange thing.

What is that?

That's a strange voice.

- Well, do your Captain Kirk. - OK, ready?

(WHISTLES)

Kirk to Enterprise, stardate...

You're doing Elvis. Do William Shatner.

Spock, I wonder if you're lonesome tonight.

- Come on - do William Shatner. - OK.

(WHISTLES)

Spock, it's Kirk.

I've landed on a planet - it's small,

full of irritating pedants.

I've managed to speak to one of them.

I'm shining my communicator on him now.

I know.

(WHISTLES)

(CONVERSATION IN SPANISH)

I'm going to put my boots on.

- Put your boots on? - Yeah.

- Dusty. - We're only going there.

I love these boots.

Yeah, they're good intermediate walking shoes, those.

But... you couldn't attach crampons if there was any ice.

I don't plan to go on any ice.

No-one plans for ice, Rob. You've got to be prepared...

- Hey! - ...in case it suddenly appears.

You see? They're not very good for scree work either.

You've just got to be decisive about where you put your feet, that's all.

Do a picture of me

with the dinosaur.

Which one's the dinosaur?

- Ha-ha-ha. - Ha-ha!

OK. Seeing as the dinosaur's doing

a McCartney-style thumbs up, why don't you mimic that?

(AS PAUL MCCARTNEY) "Hey, rock and roll.

"I mean, Ringo, he was actually a good drummer, you know?"

What's that dinosaur called?

- Barney. - No.

- It's a T-rex. - It's actually not.

- It's an iguanodon. - How do you know?

Throw the phone!

Because, um, Chloe is an expert.

Well, tell me this, why have they changed

the name of the brontosaurus to a brachiosaurus?

No-one's given me an adequate answer.

(GRUFFLY) "Brontosaurus, which would previously roam the lands..."

- Who's that? - It's John Hurt.

It's not John Hurt.

- Who is it? - I don't know,

but if you're going to do John Hurt, you have to...

(AS JOHN HURT) "The brachiosaurus once roamed the land,

"the king of all he surveyed."

That's a very good John Hurt.

"The king of all he surveyed.

"it's a combination of him as Quentin Crisp

"and Caligula in I, Claudius."

- Why are you...? - "You can go away now, Rob.

"I was thinking of killing you but I've changed my mind."

So does Chloe know about the different prehistoric periods?

Yep.

Not, you know... She... Not so she could sit an exam...

Does she know Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous?

She knows some of those, she knows the words.

I'm not going to pretend that she could give a lecture.

STEVE: Of course, in the...

...in the Triassic period,

the world was one landmass, just with the sea,

and that was it, one body of land,

and then the Jurassic period, it split into two big lumps of land.

And then finally the Cretaceous, it broke up into the continents

that we know today.

Look at that - they're the actual footprints.

STEVE: They're big, aren't they? What size are your feet?

Seven.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Go on, then, off you go. - It's just that is quite...

- They're too small. - Quite feminine.

- They are feminine, I know. - Small feet.

Nice on a woman, bit weird on a bloke.

Indeed.

If I could change one thing about me...

Well, it wouldn't be the feet, but I would get to the feet quite soon.

It would be feet, height and hair, wouldn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

ROB: (AS PAUL MCCARTNEY) The thing with Paul now is that

some of the mobility's gone from round his mouth,

so he's got this sliding thing going on, you know?

(AS PAUL MCCARTNEY) But I think you're making him sound

Iike there's something wrong with him

cos when I met him, I thought he was, you know, quite articulate.

I'm not saying he's inarticulate, Steve,

what I'm saying is that as he gets older -

and it'll happen to you, I hope -

he's losing some vocal mobility.

- That's all. - I really don't talk like that.

Why don't you put a sock in it, right, and let me...?

(AS JOHN LENNON) Oh, Paul, just play...

Just play the guitar the wrong way round, will you?

John, what are you doing here all these years after your untimely death?

I thought I'd come back to say that I wanted to bury the hatchet.

And I know where you want to put it, John!

- In your head. - In my head, yeah.

I said it first, right?

- Not in your head. - Oooh!

Not in your head. Oooh!

- Anyway... - Yeah, go on.

- Yeah, go on. - Go on, then.

(AS JOHN LENNON) Why don't you go on, then? That was good.

Yeah, but, I know, I'm trying to do it the right way, you know?

I think I'm already doing it the right way, you know.

I think you're doing it more like that, like... da-da-da-da-da!

(MIMICS PAUL MCCARTNEY) When you do it, Rob, it sounds like,

you know, Woody Woodpecker.

STEVE: I think you get a little bit confused

because you do Barry Gibb

and you get confused between the two,

because John Lennon was very much like that, you know?

ROB: (AS BARRY GIBB) This is Barry Gibb.

Please join me this Saturday night on VH1, when I will be joined

by Miss Celine Dion and Miss Barbra Streisand.

That's right, two divas for the price of one.

GUIDE: Now, you know this was a Moorish castle?

And when it was conquered by the Christians,

it became the official residence of the Sig�enza bishop.

Please.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

And during the Civil War, the town was bombarded by the Condor legion

and the castle was hit.

- Como Guernica? - Yeah, like Guernica.

The last resistance of the town took place in the cathedral

and it was bombarded too, and they surrendered

because they didn't have any more ammunition.

- Yes, of course, wow. - The final attack.

Over there, we have a room that was

the setting for Marlon Brando's movie, in the early '90s.

He played the role of Friar Torquemada.

- Ah! - He was the Grand Inquisitor.

Of course, the Spanish Inquisition.

(PYTHONESQUE) Nobody expects that.

Mi amigo gusta Monty Python.

- I love them too. - Really?

- Wow. Good. - Please, after you.

Yes, of course.

This is Jonathan.

- Hey, Jonathan. Steve Coogan. - Steve!

Hey, how are you, man?

- Good, how are you? - Yeah, I'm great.

So, listen, I spoke to the studio.

- Mm-hm. - And they like the script.

They're totally on board for this film.

Fantastic. Great.

- Yeah. - What's the catch?

Yeah, er...

They want to bring a new writer on.

What?

It's for a polish, it's just for a polish. It's...

Hey, how are we doing?

CHLOE: Hello, how are you?

Yeah, really good.

(DISCORDANT MUSICAL NOTES)

Oh, where did you get that?

I found it.

I thought you'd lost that. Thought I'd hidden it.

Who?

Ed Hirsch.

I don't... Who's he? Never heard of him. What's he done?

He's written a few scripts that have really just gotten a lot of heat.

Look, over here! Charlie, I'm here, look.

Little fella... Hello!

He's new, he's hot, he's up-and-coming...

I've got two Oscar nominations.

I'm new.

I'm not up-and-coming, I've arrived.

ROB: Ah.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Buenas tardes.

ROB: Isn't it a magnificent room?

It's the Brando room. I just watched a little clip on YouTube of him.

You can't really work out exactly where they are.

He's very overweight at that stage.

Yeah, which is fine for Torquemada - gives him presence.

(AS BRANDO) I was playing Torquemada

from the Spanish Inquisition.

(PYTHONESQUE) N-N-Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

- Nobody does. - Amongst our weaponry

are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency,

and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.

And nice red uniforms.

(AS BRANDO) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency

and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.

- You're doing him in The Godfather. - What?

- You're just doing Marlon Brando... - I'm just doing '70s Brando.

(AS BRANDO) He always spoke like that, with that kind of nasal thing.

(AS BRANDO) His voice was a little higher, the way he spoke.

It was, you know...

It was like that, you know.

You've got a De Niro thing going, you're doing your De Niro.

(AS DE NIRO) If I was doing De Niro, I'd do it like that, you know?

That's the way... That's the way De Niro spoke, you know.

- That's good. - You know something about that, you know?

That's right, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna rip your head off, shit down your goddamn fucking neck,

you two-bit, dick-sucking, motherfucking asshole.

That's terrific, that's terrific.

The reason you think I'm doing De Niro when I'm doing Brando

is because De Niro himself was influenced by Brando,

so when De Niro acts, you see residual elements of Brando in what he does,

so you've got it the wrong way round.

So in attempting to criticise you, I've inadvertently complimented you.

You've shown up some of the detail.

Certainly come out on top in this exchange, then.

(SIGHS) I'm only telling you the truth.

(MIMICS BRANDO) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

And nobody expects a comfy chair.

No, it's got to be...

(AS BRANDO) Get...

- ...the comfy chair. - Get the comfy chair.

I'm like a turtle, look at me.

Get the comfy chair.

Get the comfy chair and a piece of lettuce.

I'm getting hungry.

Amongst our weaponry is such diverse...

I'm turning into Woody Allen.

Woody Allen, yeah.

(AS WOODY ALLEN) Amongst our... weaponry

is such diverse elements as fear, surprise

and an almost fanatical devotion to the Yankees.

Yeah.

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