Original subtitles

Hello? 'Steve, it's Rob.'

Oh, hey, hey...

'How's the show going?'

Just finished. Just started the hiatus.

'Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.

'Listen, the Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews -

'six lunches.' Really?

'But this time in Italy -

'la bella Italia, yeah?

'What do you think?' Well, erm...

And they'll fly you to Europe. First class?

'No, they're offering business.'

Ciao, bellissima. Hey, how are you?

'I'm OK, sort of. Chloe's still awake.'

What?

'I can't get her to go to sleep.'

Hello. 'Hey, Dad.'

Hey, so... Ibiza, party central.

Where are all the girls in bikinis with whistles

round their necks, jumping up and down?

'Yeah, all of them.'

Does she miss her papa? Stick her on, I'll say good night to her.

'No, I don't think that will help.

'I think it'll only make it worse, Rob.' All right.

'She's crying again. I'm sorry, I've got to go, darling.'

'It would probably be more fun if there were, you know,

'more people my age there, if my friends were here.

'But, you know, they're all off in London having fun.

'I'm stuck here by myself. I'm 16.

'Mum keeps treating me like I'm a child.

'I'm old enough to join the army

'and according to her I'm not old enough

'to just be at home by myself.'

Yeah, well, I think

they should raise the age level for entry to the army, actually.

All right then, so long, love. Bye-bye. 'Bye.' Bye.

Ciao, bellissima.

Ciao, bellissima.

Que bella ragazza.

Que bella ragazza.

Oh - huh! - ciao, bellissimo.

Que bella - yeah! - ragazza!

AS TOM JONES: Huh, think I'd better dance now.

Que bella - what a beautiful - huh, ragazza - girl.

Huh, I think you've got a wonderful tone to your voice

and I want you on my team, oh.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah, like a baby.

I didn't. Terrible dreams.

I think it was the sound of the waves hitting the rocks.

Awful.

What did you dream about?

I dreamt I was in a huge toilet bowl, being constantly flushed.

Yeah, I wouldn't read too much into that.

I mustered once on a boat, hit a rock, yeah. Really?

I had to muster. Seriously, we had

to go up onto the deck with our lifejackets on.

You went to, like, a muster station with your lifejacket on?

Yes. Wow! Yes and the worst thing about it was,

all the crew members were running down corridors...

Oh, my God! Which is terrifying,

because you don't ever want to see that.

No, it's like when you see an air stewardess crying.

Yes... have you seen an air stewardess crying?

Yeah. Nothing to do with the flight, though, was it? No, nothing to do with the flight.

OK. OK... right.

Permission to come aboard?

Sorry, I don't need any help...

OK. That's fine.

Great. OK?

Yeah, fine, thank you.

If you just step... yeah.

OK. Bloody hell. Palaver!

Is this the actual boat?

Cos... I was expecting something a big bigger.

Little smaller than I was expecting as well - I'll be very honest with you.

Look at that! Wow!

This is our boat, Patience.

Patience is a virtue.

That is beautiful!

I can't really see the waves so I have to...

You just have to work like a Jedi.

Trust your feeling, all right? Just trust it.

Why don't you close your eyes, Steve, and merely feel the waves?

A true Jedi doesn't need to see the waves.

Is that what the Jedis do?

Yes. Because I can fight with a light stick. They do the lightsaber.

That has got to be a violation of health and safety!

Hi. Oh, hello. Thank you. This is lovely.

It's a lovely boat, a lovely way to travel.

Yeah, so, the first stop is San Fruttuoso, where you'll have lunch.

"My soul is an enchanted boat

"Which like a sleeping swan doth float

"Upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing

"Thine doth like an angel sit

"Beside the helm conducting it

"While all the trees with melody are ringing."

That's Shelley, read by Burton.

Rob can't do poems in his own voice because he lacks conviction.

AS ALAN BENNETT: "My soul is an enchanted boat

"Which like a sleeping swan doth float

"Upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing."

Are you going to have some wine?

No, thank you. Are you sure? No, grazie. A little bit?

No.

Grazie mille. Oh, oh...

Look at this? Lovely.

50,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

It is a bit... It's very Jules Verne, the starter, I have to say, yeah.

We're squids in.

Squids in, six quid.

Oh, I've got the squids.

Very nice, isn't she, Lucy?

Mmm.

Not the squid - Lucy.

Mmm... mmm.

Oh, oh... look at that.

Don't... Don't scare him. Oh, you had to scare him.

"To crush a butterfly upon a wheel."

"A dream we all share."

Alexander Pope. Of course.

It's not very authentic, though, is it?

Hanging out with some Sloane ranger.

If you look at Shelley and Byron,

they were always staying with English people, all the expats.

That's how it was, you see.

You know, when you're in LA, I bet you are down at Soho House

watching football on the telly with Robbie Williams.

A - I don't like football.

'Ey! 'Ey! BOTH: I don't like football.

B... Yeah. Be what? Be who you are? Be true to yourself?

A - I don't like football. B - true to yourself.

See what I did there. Yeah, very good, you're a wordsmith.

D - 'pend on me to come up with more of these. E...

Why'd you miss C?

I didn't, I said "C what I did there?" You're not listening.

Oh, that is good, yeah.

Dear, dear me.

I can see why they want you for Radio 4 panel shows. Thank you. You're a demon.

No, I don't hang out with Robbie Williams.

When I am in LA, I do what Byron actually did

when he was travelling, which was hang out with local people.

Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Matthew Perry, Owen Wilson...

You hang out with Owen Wilson or you occasionally work with Owen Wilson?

I know you've been a miniature soldier with him,

but do you actually hang out with him?

We run together on the beach.

Is he aware that you're running?

Is he running away from you? I mean, there's a distinction here.

I could say I've been running on the beach with Robert De Niro.

When, in fact, I'm furiously chasing

after him and he's running for his life... What are you doing there?

Just having a little wine. You know, when in Rome...

Wow! In Italy. I'm your enabler.

Yeah.

I'd love to talk to some of these locals.

Byron said, "I love the language, that bastard Latin

"That melts like kisses from a female mouth

"It sounds as if it should be writ on satin

"With syllables that breathe of the sweet South."

She's nice, though, Lucy.

She's all right. She's just a posh girl working on a boat.

She's basically the nautical equivalent of a chalet girl.

Go round Chelsea, chuck a stick - you'll hit ten of them.

You've been warned about that, haven't you?

"Steve Coogan has been arrested for

"chucking sticks at Sloane women in Chelsea."

We'd know what sort of a story that was, right?

Yeah. Purely from the intonation.

If they say, "The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."

it's going to be good news. Yeah.

OK? Then there's if you've died.

Yeah. "The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."

The one you don't want is this... ready?

"The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."

Oh, no! God, what has he done now? Oh, my God!

See that Roman Polanski film with Pierce Brosnan playing the prime minister,

Tony Blair, sort of, war crimes?

It was, sort of, an Iraq war thing, you know?

"The name's Bond, James Bond, 007 licensed to kill."

But he plays Tony Blair in this?

"My name's Blair, Tony Blair."

Tony Blair.

"Licensed to illegally invade other countries."

I could see Roger Moore playing Tony Blair.

AS ROGER MOORE: My name's Tony Blair, but I don't like you, Hussein.

Now you're telling me this.

You're telling me destruction could be launched in 45 minutes?

I don't like you one bit.

I don't like the way you stand on the balcony wearing a beret.

AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: I wear the beret for one reason alone. Why?

I like to impersonate Frank Spencer.

You can impersonate Frank Spencer all you like

but it doesn't change the fact

that I think you're harbouring weapons of mass destruction.

Wait till you hear this.

IN SAME VOICE: Oh, Betty, the cat has done whoopsie on the carpet.

That's a terrible impersonation of Frank Spencer, Hussein.

It's the best I can do. I have the beret.

That must count for something, surely?

You think I can't do Frank Spencer? Well, listen to this.

AS FRANK SPENCER: Put is over there, I'll mend it in the morning. What about that then, Mr Blair?

I bet you didn't think I could do that.

AS ROGER MOORE: I'll be very honest with you, Saddam, I wasn't expecting

such a professional level of impersonation.

AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: No, you weren't. You weren't expecting it.

Have you considered touring northern clubs in the '70s? I tried to tour the northern clubs in the 1970s.

What happened? They said...

AS FRANK SPENCER: "No, we've already gone with someone who does Frank Spencer."

Grazie. Grazie.

Grazie mille. Que bel tempo oggi.

Molto bello! Si.

"Oggi" means "today".

Thank goodness for that - I thought you were a bit forward!

You want to take her for dinner first, mate.

Would you like some more wine? I would. Lovely.

AS ALAN BENNETT: "Dear diary, offered Steve more wine.

"He was quite agreeable to the proposal,

"so I poured it confidently."

Mmm!

AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, man! This looks great. I adore pasta.

It's "pah-sta". You say "pah-sta". Pah-sta, that's right, yeah. I love pah-sta.

Steve, you got to have some of the pah-sta.

Mmm.

OWN ACCENT: Are you happy with Joe and Mamie being on holiday with another man in your role?

He's not in my role.

He is, technically.

They know I'm the father.

He's... David is just this guy.

David - is that his name?

32, a yoga instructor. How old? 32.

He's 32, and he's what, a yoga instructor? Yeah.

Are you happy with that?

He's on holiday with them now. I'm paying for the holiday.

He doesn't have much money. I couldn't do it.

If Sally and I ever split up, which we will not,

but if we did, that would be the thing that would really,

you know, break me up - is the thought of another man

being in that role cos Chloe's three. So, she'd have no memory

of me as the dad in the house

and she'd automatically think of him as Dad.

That's fine. How's that fine? That's not fine!

Wow! Grazie.

WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN Grazie mille.

Beautiful here, isn't it, eh? La dolce vita.

Don't you think we're lucky?

In the old days, only the aristocracy could travel.

Nowadays everyone... everybody can afford a holiday.

Even if you're on benefits, you can go abroad.

It's part of your human rights.

Well, it should be part of your human rights!

I think it should be on the NHS, but not in the summer.

You know, it should be in the winter. When it's cheaper.

When people get vitamin D deficiency, because of lack of sunlight. True.

Which then leads to people getting depression,

which means they then have to be prescribed antidepressants,

sold at exorbitant rates to the NHS, paid for by taxpayers,

but sold at exorbitant rates by multi-national drug companies.

And he's off on his charger!

This time taking on the pharmaceutical companies.

Not content with bringing the Murdoch empire to its knees,

he now turns his steely gaze to Nurofen.

It's not Nurofen. I'm talking about temazepam and diazepam.

You know, drug companies aren't interested in curing cancer.

They want to prescribe long-term medication for chronic illnesses

because that's what lines the coffers of the shareholders.

It's a cartel, a conspiracy.

They're no better than Colombian drug lords, frankly.

Did you ever see the film Love and Other Drugs - Jake Gyllenhaal?

Gil-en-hall, Jill-en-hall - how do you pronounce that?

I know Jake and Maggie.

And how do you pronounce it?

I don't know.

It was about the big pharma conspiracy over Viagra.

Have you ever used that?

Not prescribed to me, you know, I've used it recreationally.

Recreationally is the only way you would use it.

Why would you use it professionally,

unless you're a porn star or a model or an actor?

But actors can't - that's the last thing an actor wants to use.

You're not allowed to get a hard on if you're in a sex scene.

It's a major faux pas, frowned upon by crews and actors alike.

So, erm...

what's it like?

Erm...

do you want me to get you some Viagra?

Oh, I'm just asking you.

Look, I'm considering dipping my toes in the murky waters of Viagra.

OK... it's not an aphrodisiac.

You've got to desire the woman you're with.

Yes... well, yes, I do.

I have a three-year-old child so, you know,

it's not the sexual Olympics in our house, so I'm just thinking of a...

Well, it's just like a peg up.

It's like you trying to climb over a wall and me doing that.

You'd stand in that.

I'd be uncomfortable if you were there, I should make that clear.

Yeah, I know. It's an analogy.

Yeah, once you're over the wall, you're on your own. Yeah.

But it's like... Take a...

I wouldn't want you in the house at all, to be honest.

Just tell me what it's like. No, I'm outside looking round, making sure,

keeping the coast clear. I've given you a peg up, you go in...

OK, all right. Have sex with your wife. Yeah, I'm comfortable now.

OK, it's like a turbo charger on a normally aspirated engine.

WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN Si, grazie mille, grazie.

Grazie, erm, il conto, per favore... grazie.

That's one of the nicest sounds in the world -

the sound of water lapping, ideally against pebbles and not sand.

A lovely sound. Is there a nicer sound than that?

No, I don't think there is. Birdsong?

Birdsong... depends on the bird. Yeah, that's true.

HE SQUAWKS

Yeah, that's fair, so point taken.

IRISH ACCENT: So, welcome, and you join us for Guess The Bill

and our contestant this week is returning after his triumph last week.

It's young Stephen Coogan. Steve, welcome. Thank you.

I know you've had a super day here at the studios with us.

Just a second. Let me just stop you

briefly to ask you what part of Ireland you're from.

Well, I'm glad you asked, Stephen. I've travelled all around Ireland,

hence the different tones in the voice, but it's good of you to ask.

I like a young, inquisitive mind. OK, I'll let it go. All right, don't speak again.

Steve, thanks for taking an interest in me but tonight is all about you

and I hope you're going to win some money and take it back to that

family, who God knows have suffered enough already

putting up with you, you little shit.

So, here we go, and I must take your first answer.

Is today's bill...

A - ten euro?

Is it B - 647 euro?

Or is it C - 173 euro?

And Steve, please, I must take your first answer.

Ladies and gentlemen in the audience, please no helping with this young lad. C, it's C.

C, you're saying C? Yeah.

173 - is that your final answer, Steve? Yeah, definitely.

Steve, you've done it. You've won again, well done. You'll be coming

back next week. Give a wave to everybody at home there, Steve.

Give a wave. The camera's over there, you daft bugger. There it is.

Good night, everybody. We'll be back same time next week. Keep waving. Credits are rolling. Good night!

Watch your head already.

William, the men are not happy.

Oh, William, is it? Not "captain" or "sir"?

You can tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope, we will sail around the Horn.

You turned your back on me, man. God damn your eyes!

God damn your eyes, man, you turned your back on me!

He's doing Anthony Hopkins. Don't worry, it'll pass.

You tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope

and sail around the Horn.

Around the Horn. The quick way round the Horn we shall go, sir.

Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes!

You turned your back on me, man!

Don't turn your back on me!

Around the Horn we're going. The quicker way round the Horn we shall go.

Hey! Hi!

Oh, careful.

Not too rough for you?

No, no, it's fine. Are you enjoying it?

Yeah, it's fantastic, wonderful. Steve's having a little sleep.

Had a drink, so at his age he needs a nap after lunch

or he gets confused.

How old is he? He doesn't like me to say.

He doesn't like me to share that.

Does he drink a lot? Well...

And so this is the anchor, yeah?

Am I right? I know enough to get by.

So, this is the anchor and then

if you want to stop somewhere you drop the sail - is that right?

Where are you from, then? Wales, right?

Wales, South Wales, Port Talbot.

Oh, I love the accent.

Do you? Yeah, it's beautiful. Seriously?

Yeah, it's really lyrical.

Ah, begin at the beginning.

You've just got to make your mouth, like, begin.

To begin. Yes, but you have to push your lips out. Begin.

SHE LAUGHS

To begin at the beginning.

To begin...

SHE LAUGHS

That sounded angry, really.

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

It's a lovely house.

I mean, it's better than Byron's, isn't it?

You've got a lovely balcony there. Looking out over the bay.

See if you can get my face and it in so it's legible.

Don't look ironic. I'm not.

It's not a flattering angle but it's got all the information, so...

Did you like it? Was it nice?

It was busier than I was expecting.

Spoilt by tourism. Yeah.

Yeah, when Shelley lived there it would have been deserted.

Yeah? Do you want to go back to San Fruttuoso?

Yes. Yes? It was lovely there.

That's a lovely sight.

I'd like to show her the ropes.

I'd like to show her my rope.

Yeah, I'd like her to charm the rope out of my basket.

I'd like to see her drop her anchor in my Bay of Poets.

Well, she wouldn't drop her anchor, you'd be the one with the anchor.

No, she could drop her anchor.

No, she doesn't, you drop your anchor. You're absolutely right.

I'd like to drop my anchor in her boat.

You're getting your metaphors arse about tit.

Now you drop an anchor and she...

ROB LAUGHS

You nearly went over the side.

No, I didn't. You did. I didn't. You panicked.

Yeah, all right I panicked, big deal.

You did, you completely panicked!

The panic's a survival instinct.

What would Daniel Craig have done? He wouldn't have gone "Ohhh..."

Daniel Craig, when they announced he was playing Bond,

he turned up on the Thames in a speedboat wearing a lifejacket.

That's for insurance. Whereas Roger Moore would have asked for one.

AS ROGER MOORE: Cubby, I wonder if Bond at this stage would be wearing

a buoyancy aid of some sort.

Perhaps some wings.

Water wings... Perhaps a rubber ring around his midriff.

Just belt and braces.

And did you get my memo about the handrail?

Are you going to swim in, then?

I could swim in.

Yeah, right.

Watch me.

Swiss self-winding, $10,000.

MUSIC: "Um Mitternacht" by Gustav Mahler

Superb!

This is exactly how I imagined it, you know,

from reading about Shelley.

Sort of very simple but very romantic in the grand sense.

Yes. Yeah?

There's something quite melancholy about this place, isn't there?

It's like getting stranded on a desert island.

Yeah, only not as hot.

The desert doesn't mean hot.

Desert just means there's no people there. There's going to be water.

It just means deserted. I know that, I know that. Don't you think

everything's melancholic once you get to a certain age? I do.

I think you've really got to just try and enjoy life, you know?

I mean, even your mouth starts to naturally droop down.

No, that's relaxing. That's just muscles relaxing.

Garrison Keeler said, "When you're under 40,

"seeming unhappy makes you look interesting.

"But once you're 40 and beyond, you've got to do everything

"you can to smile, otherwise you just look like a grumpy old man."

Morrissey.

Byron was famously gloomy.

Come and have a drink.

OK.

Yep, I've still got it. A bit shocked, aren't you?

Not really - I've always told you that it was a possibility.

You know, so you're an acquired taste, but, you know...

What will people remember of us in 200 years' time?

Er...

I don't think we'll be remembered, to be honest with you.

No.

I mean, if... There's a big if. If we are...

..either of us are remembered,

I would say that it would probably be me.

What would they most remember?

What would be celebrated about you, do you think?

Six BAFTAs.

You've got five BAFTAs.

Yeah, but I'll probably get a lifetime achievement.

True. If I survive.

You could have it posthumously.

I like to think if you did win it posthumously,

I'd be the one to accept it on your behalf.

Unless, of course, if I was the architect of your death,

in which case I'd still like to receive it from my cell

via satellite link.

Thrilled to have this. Er...

you know, I killed Steve for the good of mankind.

Do I regret what I've done?

Not really, because I think the world's... Lights out!

I've got to go. Brydon, lights out, you nonce.

Yeah, that's not what I'm in for,

but I accept it as a general derogatory term.

DEEP VOICE: Come on, Rob, come to bed.

All right, Melvyn, I'll be a minute.

Anyway, that's all from me. I want a cuddle.

Yes, all right, I'll give you a cuddle. Please just wait.

Erm, so anyway, on Steve's behalf, thanks for this.

He would have loved it but, you know, he's gone.

Come on. Yeah, all right. I'm horny!

I want to go on the inside... of the bed, of the bed, of the bed.

Not the inside of the inmate.

The inside of the bed.

Did you see this? Michael Winner's memorial service.

And Michael Caine and Roger Moore were sat there,

the two of them, and they looked old, cos they are old.

AS MICHAEL CAINE: I don't think we've ever been this old, Rog,

I'll be very honest with you.

AS ROGER MOORE: We've 'ad a pretty good innings, though, Michael.

You just dropped your H, Rog. Why was that? That's not like you.

You just said "We've 'ad a very good innings, Michael."

What's the matter, Roger? I'm Michael, you're Roger.

I haven't the time, Michael. I really haven't the time.

I'll tell you the time, Rog. It's getting late.

Do you take my meaning?

Oh, Michael, do you remember back in '88 when we made "Bullseye!"?

Ah, glory days. Happy days.

Tragically superseded by the television version of Bullseye.

With Jim Bowen?

With the great James Bowen.

180!

I would have loved to have you in as the voice of the scores,

it would have been lovely.

There's only one word for that - magic darts.

I mean, I think if you and me had been doing Bullseye together...

There's only one word for that - magic darts.

Yeah, there's only one word for that - magic darts. Magic darts.

There's only one word for that - magic darts.

There's only one word for that - magic darts.

There's only one word for that, Master Bruce - magic darts.

Thank you very much, I haven't been playing for long.

I'd better go and call Jo.

See you in a bit.

'This person's phone is switched off.

'Please try later or send a text.'

So, how did you end up here?

My boyfriend had a boat. We sailed together.

Then when we broke up I had to find work, so I got a job on the crew.

It must be fun.

Sometimes.

Do you have children?

No, I wish I did. Do you?

Yeah, I've got a daughter, Chloe.

She's three.

Aw!

She is gorgeous.

Do you miss her? Yeah.

It's been two days, so I'm...

I'm not pining but...

POSH ACCENT: "Is thy face, like thy mother's, fair, my child!

"Chloe, sole daughter of my house and heart.

"When last I saw thy young blue eyes they smiled and then we parted."

Is that your Hugh Grant impression? Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes, yes.

I think that Steve's absolutely right,

I do find it very difficult to - oh, gosh, crikey - say a poem

unless it's in somebody else's voice. And Hugh just happened to

be passing, you know, on the beach, and he popped over for a blow.

..by blow account of what was going on.

"Sorrow is knowledge: They who know the most

"Must mourn the deepest oe'r the fatal truth

"The tree of Knowledge is not that of Life."

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