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1
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:07,726
This programme contains
some strong language.
2
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,439
Hello. Steve?
3
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,199
Yes, who's this?
4
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,279
It's Rob.
5
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:19,599
Oh, hey, hey.
6
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,371
How are you? Good, how are you?
7
00:00:22,373 --> 00:00:24,652
Yes, good, how's the show going?
8
00:00:24,653 --> 00:00:27,372
Just finished,
just starting the hiatus.
9
00:00:27,373 --> 00:00:29,412
Yeah, I know, I spoke to your
agent.
10
00:00:29,413 --> 00:00:33,532
Listen, the Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews over six lunches.
11
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,532
Really?
12
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:37,372
But this time
in Italy, Marbella Italia, yeah?
13
00:00:37,373 --> 00:00:40,092
Beautiful countryside,
beautiful wine,
14
00:00:40,093 --> 00:00:42,692
beautiful women, beautiful food.
15
00:00:42,693 --> 00:00:44,092
What do you think?
16
00:00:44,093 --> 00:00:45,252
Well...
17
00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:46,572
And they'll fly you to Europe.
18
00:00:46,573 --> 00:00:48,132
What, first class?
19
00:00:48,133 --> 00:00:50,493
Or business or upper class Virgin.
20
00:00:56,453 --> 00:00:59,892
This is according to the Observer,
'nowhere in Italy compares
21
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,372
'with Piemonte for travellers
looking for a combination
22
00:01:02,372 --> 00:01:05,771
'of fine wines, gastronomy
and beautiful countryside.
23
00:01:05,772 --> 00:01:07,731
'The area to explore is just
an hour's drive
24
00:01:07,732 --> 00:01:10,171
'down the Autostrade
from Turin.
25
00:01:10,172 --> 00:01:13,051
'From Bra, through Alba then Asti,
takes you through
26
00:01:13,052 --> 00:01:16,811
'a panoply of vineyards producing
Italy's greatest red wines.
27
00:01:16,812 --> 00:01:19,251
'Barolo, Barbaresco,
28
00:01:19,252 --> 00:01:21,411
Barbera. Hanna-Barbera...'
29
00:01:21,412 --> 00:01:23,451
MIMICS TWEETY: Sufferin'
succotash!"
30
00:01:23,452 --> 00:01:25,211
I tawt I taw a puddy tat.
31
00:01:25,212 --> 00:01:26,452
I did!
32
00:01:27,692 --> 00:01:30,811
The Trattoria della Posta,
which is where we're going,
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00:01:30,812 --> 00:01:33,011
is set in rolling hills clad
with vineyards.
34
00:01:33,012 --> 00:01:36,691
This elegant Trattoria is the ideal
place for a romantic evening.
35
00:01:36,692 --> 00:01:39,171
You know I'm not
a homosexual, don't you?
36
00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:41,091
No, we're not having
a romantic evening,
37
00:01:41,092 --> 00:01:44,211
we are going to have a stimulating
lunch. Good, good.
38
00:01:44,212 --> 00:01:47,731
And if romance should occur,
we'll deal with it as it happens.
39
00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:50,491
The only time I'd ever snuggle
up to you is if I was on the side
40
00:01:50,492 --> 00:01:52,611
of the Eiger on a shelf
41
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,931
and not to do so would mean
I'd freeze to death.
42
00:01:54,932 --> 00:01:57,091
In that situation you know
what you're meant to do?
43
00:01:57,092 --> 00:01:59,531
You're meant to get as close...
I know, you have to spoon.
44
00:01:59,532 --> 00:02:01,011
Spooning, yes. I know. Yes.
45
00:02:01,012 --> 00:02:03,931
You wee on each other, as well,
and that's disallowed.
46
00:02:03,932 --> 00:02:07,091
Well, that's where
recreation meets survival.
47
00:02:07,092 --> 00:02:11,211
I've also sorted out
the music for the iPod.
48
00:02:11,212 --> 00:02:15,051
I've gone for a broad selection,
a lot of Italian stuff,
49
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,491
a lot of opera, obviously.
50
00:02:17,492 --> 00:02:19,691
Good, good. Don Giovanni, Rigoletto,
51
00:02:19,692 --> 00:02:23,091
Verdi, then a smattering of Wales
52
00:02:23,092 --> 00:02:26,171
and the Welsh to tie in with
the beautiful countryside.
53
00:02:26,172 --> 00:02:29,291
Verdi's sounding very, very
appealing right now I have to say.
54
00:02:29,292 --> 00:02:32,771
I've got some Stereophonics
and some Tom Jones.
55
00:02:32,772 --> 00:02:36,411
We're not going to be doing any
impersonations, are we, because we talked about that.
56
00:02:36,411 --> 00:02:39,610
No, if I sing along that's not
an impersonation.
57
00:02:39,611 --> 00:02:43,490
It just so happens
I bear an uncanny resemblance,
58
00:02:43,491 --> 00:02:45,330
vocally and physically to Tom.
59
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,170
What because you look 75?
60
00:02:47,171 --> 00:02:49,331
Why is this? Oh!
61
00:02:50,731 --> 00:02:53,050
I promise you I haven't sabotaged
the sound system
62
00:02:53,051 --> 00:02:57,170
because of my aversion
to your karaoke inclination.
63
00:02:57,171 --> 00:02:59,331
Why is... There's nothing at all.
64
00:03:03,811 --> 00:03:05,730
So you knew who it is.
65
00:03:05,731 --> 00:03:08,010
Buongiorno. Buongiorno.
66
00:03:08,011 --> 00:03:09,410
Buongiorno.
67
00:03:09,411 --> 00:03:11,850
Uno. Grazie. Prego.
68
00:03:11,851 --> 00:03:14,530
What's that? What are you saying?
I've asked for one of each.
69
00:03:14,531 --> 00:03:17,770
I've got to say I'm very impressed
with the smattering of Italian.
70
00:03:17,771 --> 00:03:19,850
I have brushed up a little.
Yes, I was just saying
71
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:21,370
Could you tell? Yes.
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00:03:21,371 --> 00:03:23,010
Prego.
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00:03:23,011 --> 00:03:24,171
Grazie
74
00:03:32,691 --> 00:03:35,370
That's actually, that is,
that is nice.
75
00:03:35,371 --> 00:03:37,771
I'll take your word for it.
76
00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:40,611
Grazie.
77
00:03:41,451 --> 00:03:44,090
Seriously? You're not drinking? No.
78
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:47,650
When did this come about? I've not
drunk for about nine months.
79
00:03:47,651 --> 00:03:50,570
So you're not going to drink at all
on the trip?
80
00:03:50,571 --> 00:03:53,370
Wow. I'll still have fun, you know,
still have a laugh.
81
00:03:53,371 --> 00:03:55,891
Just not as much of a laugh
82
00:04:02,091 --> 00:04:04,970
I'm surprised the Observer wanted
you to do this again, I mean...
83
00:04:04,971 --> 00:04:08,690
Well... Neither of us know anything
about, with respect, know anything about food.
84
00:04:08,691 --> 00:04:11,530
Well, I know a little bit.
Well, yeah but you don't...
85
00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:14,889
When I wrote the last ones
I concentrated not so much on the food.
86
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:17,449
It was more a journey,
it was the culture, it was,
87
00:04:17,450 --> 00:04:19,289
it was Wordsworth and Coleridge,
88
00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:22,169
now it's going to be Byron and
Shelley. They're not double acts.
89
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,449
It's not The Two Ronnies
or Morecambe and Wise.
90
00:04:24,450 --> 00:04:27,369
MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT: And more's
the pity because I would adore
91
00:04:27,370 --> 00:04:30,689
driving around Italy
with you Steve,
92
00:04:30,690 --> 00:04:33,729
in the next sketch
dressed as busty ladies singing
93
00:04:33,730 --> 00:04:36,969
a song with some choreography
thrown into the middle.
94
00:04:36,970 --> 00:04:38,530
HE LAUGHS
95
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,609
You know it's like second album
syndrome, isn't it?
96
00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:49,209
Everyone has this amazing,
expressive first album where they put everything into it
97
00:04:49,210 --> 00:04:51,289
and the second album's
a bit of a damp squib.
98
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:55,369
It's like trying to do a sequel.
It's never going to be as good as the first time. Godfather II.
99
00:04:55,370 --> 00:04:58,129
Which is the one that people always
mention when they try to search
100
00:04:58,130 --> 00:05:00,169
for an example of a sequel
that's as good as...
101
00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:02,969
MIMICS AL PACINO: Just when
I thought I was out, they put me back in
102
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,569
What's this licking thing
you always do?
103
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:08,570
You look like some
sort of small gecko.
104
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:12,049
That's what he does,
just when I thought,
105
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:14,809
I'd made two terrific movies,
106
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:17,449
they go and make another,
107
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,889
I'm back in.
108
00:05:19,890 --> 00:05:23,809
It's OK, he's just doing
an impersonation, it's fine.
109
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:27,089
Look at Byron, you know,
Childe Harold made him
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00:05:27,090 --> 00:05:29,729
the most popular
poet in all of Europe.
111
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,849
And when he wrote that, he did
the first two cantos right,
112
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:35,769
and he said,
if this is a hit I'll write more.
113
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,689
If it's not a hit,
I won't do any more.
114
00:05:38,690 --> 00:05:42,969
You should do the same, promise
the audience you won't do any more if they don't like it.
115
00:05:42,970 --> 00:05:46,090
At the end of my successful tours
and live shows?
116
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,888
Oh. Oh gosh.
117
00:05:54,889 --> 00:05:56,288
Grazie.
118
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:59,168
Grazie.
119
00:05:59,169 --> 00:06:00,808
Prego, buon appetito.
120
00:06:00,809 --> 00:06:02,889
Grazie, grazie.
121
00:06:04,969 --> 00:06:07,089
Mmm, that is lovely.
122
00:06:08,649 --> 00:06:12,928
Childe Harold, Byron wrote,
was a thinly veiled self-portrait.
123
00:06:12,929 --> 00:06:14,128
I was aware of that.
124
00:06:14,129 --> 00:06:16,088
I thought we could do a similar
thing with you,
125
00:06:16,089 --> 00:06:18,568
Childe Stephen,
follow you on your travels and...
126
00:06:18,569 --> 00:06:21,128
It wouldn't be a pseudonym, would
it? I'm called Stephen.
127
00:06:21,129 --> 00:06:23,168
Byron wasn't called Harold was he?
128
00:06:23,169 --> 00:06:28,448
No, he was actually
George Gordon Lord Byron.
129
00:06:28,449 --> 00:06:29,608
Gordon.
130
00:06:29,609 --> 00:06:31,688
Understandably he...
131
00:06:31,689 --> 00:06:34,408
He ditched the Gordon.
..he ditched the Gordon.
132
00:06:34,409 --> 00:06:37,608
It's not a romantic name.
It's not a poet's name, Gordon, no.
133
00:06:37,609 --> 00:06:41,568
Gordon Byron on line three.
Oh, God, tell him I'm not in.
134
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,249
He does my head in.
135
00:06:45,569 --> 00:06:47,648
So Childe Stephen,
we'll do it as an article
136
00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:50,128
and turn it into a Sunday night
serial on BBC One.
137
00:06:50,129 --> 00:06:51,688
Who plays you?
138
00:06:51,689 --> 00:06:53,888
A Sunday night costume
drama about my life?
139
00:06:53,889 --> 00:06:55,888
Yes, yes. Who plays you?
It could happen.
140
00:06:55,889 --> 00:06:58,528
Who plays you? I'll play myself.
141
00:06:58,529 --> 00:07:02,088
You couldn't do that, it's Childe,
it's meant to be like a young man.
142
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,288
You could have Jude Law.
143
00:07:04,289 --> 00:07:05,808
Jude Law's 40 plus.
144
00:07:05,809 --> 00:07:08,048
He doesn't look it.
He hasn't aged like you and I?
145
00:07:08,049 --> 00:07:10,608
He's balding. Yeah, but he's got
that face, he doesn't...
146
00:07:10,609 --> 00:07:12,649
He's got that really young,
bald look.
147
00:07:17,449 --> 00:07:21,248
When you played Alan Partridge,
you know when he was popular,
148
00:07:21,248 --> 00:07:25,127
he was more known than you and, of
course, he was older than you.
149
00:07:25,128 --> 00:07:27,927
But with me with the Rob Brydon
Show, my name is in the title,
150
00:07:27,928 --> 00:07:29,767
I sort of push that. Yeah.
151
00:07:29,768 --> 00:07:31,287
If I were in a bar in a hotel
in Britain
152
00:07:31,288 --> 00:07:33,647
and I wanted to have a drink with
a girl, I couldn't do it.
153
00:07:33,648 --> 00:07:37,047
because there would be an
assumption, "What's he do?" Go and chat to Rob Brydon.
154
00:07:37,048 --> 00:07:39,567
Yes, people think I'm affable.
Affable. Well, you are.
155
00:07:39,568 --> 00:07:42,287
I'm affable.
I'm not disagreeing with you.
156
00:07:42,288 --> 00:07:44,887
I'm an affable man.
I'm not disagreeing with you.
157
00:07:44,888 --> 00:07:47,967
But my public persona is even more
affable than I actually am.
158
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,927
I'm not as affable as people
think I am.
159
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:52,647
You've made an affable
rod for your own back. Yes.
160
00:07:52,648 --> 00:07:55,047
Yes, and I'm not saying
I'm not affable.
161
00:07:55,048 --> 00:07:56,487
I am affable.
162
00:07:56,488 --> 00:08:00,487
But I'm not as affable as perhaps
I've given people cause to think.
163
00:08:00,488 --> 00:08:01,647
Crystal clear.
164
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:05,167
So out here,
I can be off the leash.
165
00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:09,047
I can, I can let my hair,
what is left of it, down. Yeah.
166
00:08:09,048 --> 00:08:11,688
And, you know, have a good time.
167
00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,287
Oh, lovely.
168
00:08:18,288 --> 00:08:19,288
Mmm...
169
00:08:21,608 --> 00:08:23,648
Grazie mille.
170
00:08:27,328 --> 00:08:28,927
Grazie.
171
00:08:28,928 --> 00:08:33,327
You know there's a publisher
who's very interested in putting these articles into a book.
172
00:08:33,328 --> 00:08:36,487
How do they think they're going
to get six articles and turn it into a book?
173
00:08:36,488 --> 00:08:40,647
Well, we would also do
the ones from the Lake District, from the English ones.
174
00:08:40,648 --> 00:08:44,607
What did you think of them?
I didn't read them. I was in America - acting.
175
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:49,087
They were a lightly fictionalised
account of your adventures
176
00:08:49,088 --> 00:08:50,647
in the north of England.
177
00:08:50,648 --> 00:08:53,687
How were they lightly fictionalised?
The names were changed...
178
00:08:53,688 --> 00:08:56,767
What about my name? ..we kept your
name but the girls' names were changed.
179
00:08:56,767 --> 00:09:00,806
How do they know it's fictionalised
if it says 'Steve Coogan's Adventures in the Lake District?'
180
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:03,926
Did you say, "brackets,
penned by Rob Brydon?" No?
181
00:09:03,927 --> 00:09:06,486
Not in the traditional sense,
no, no.
182
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:08,687
But then I did do the work for you,
didn't I?
183
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:15,446
Mmm, bellissimo.
184
00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:18,206
What do you think on the Mini, then?
Are you enjoying it?
185
00:09:18,207 --> 00:09:20,006
I'm presently surprised.
It's a nice car
186
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:23,406
and to drive it in Italy... Yeah?
187
00:09:23,407 --> 00:09:25,526
What? You see what I'm getting at?
188
00:09:25,527 --> 00:09:27,646
Yes, The Italian Job. Exactly yeah.
189
00:09:27,647 --> 00:09:31,006
I was wondering whether you'd
booked the Mini, in Italy,
190
00:09:31,007 --> 00:09:33,886
for the Italian Job just to give you
the opportunity to say,
191
00:09:33,887 --> 00:09:37,206
MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE: You're only
supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
192
00:09:37,207 --> 00:09:40,166
But I've done it now.
Hopefully that will be an end to it.
193
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:41,367
Do your Michael Caine.
194
00:09:43,247 --> 00:09:46,006
Did you see him
in The Dark Knight Rises?
195
00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:49,086
And his voice gets even more
emotional than it's ever
196
00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:50,806
done in the past before.
197
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,726
I don't want to bury you,
Batman, I will not
198
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,486
put you into the ground
in a little box.
199
00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:57,606
I will not do it,
Master Bruce, I will not do it.
200
00:09:57,607 --> 00:09:59,766
I'm not going to bury
another Batman.
201
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,326
Another Batman? How many Batmans
has he been burying?
202
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:05,486
How many are there? I've buried 14
Batmen... I've buried 14 Batmen...
203
00:10:05,487 --> 00:10:07,446
...put their little pointy
ears in a box...
204
00:10:07,447 --> 00:10:10,206
I'm not going to bury another
nylon cloak with pointy ears
205
00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:12,686
that people wear at birthday
parties.
206
00:10:12,687 --> 00:10:17,126
With the little belt, the very wide
belt that is flattering to a man with an expanded girth.
207
00:10:17,127 --> 00:10:20,166
I won't do that to you, Master
Bruce. I would not do it to you.
208
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:22,846
And I won't make
the voice like that.
209
00:10:22,847 --> 00:10:25,366
The voice goes even more like that.
210
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:26,886
He's basically yodelling.
211
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,766
HE YODELS
212
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:32,806
And then Christian Bale says,
"You wanted to see me."
213
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:36,405
And when he says that he puts his
tongue over.
214
00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:39,725
"I want to be a mad man,
I don't want to be a normal guy."
215
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:40,845
But you sound deaf.
216
00:10:40,846 --> 00:10:42,125
INAUDIBLE ANSWER
217
00:10:42,126 --> 00:10:44,565
Just so nobody can recognise him.
218
00:10:44,566 --> 00:10:47,045
I can't understand a word
you're saying, Master Bruce.
219
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:50,165
Talk to me as Master Bruce,
not as Batman. Why, why does he?
220
00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:51,245
INAUDIBLE ANSWER
221
00:10:51,246 --> 00:10:53,645
So he can have the cloak
of anonymity...
222
00:10:53,646 --> 00:10:57,765
But he doesn't though. He said,
"Here's that bloke in the cloak who sounds like he's deaf again."
223
00:10:57,766 --> 00:11:00,205
It's not anonymous, is it?
224
00:11:00,206 --> 00:11:03,245
No wonder when Batman arrives
and starts speaking like that
225
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:05,285
everyone starts
looking at their shoes.
226
00:11:05,286 --> 00:11:08,485
They're all thinking,
"Why does he talk like that, poor fella, you know.
227
00:11:08,486 --> 00:11:11,565
And what about Tom Hardy as Bane?
228
00:11:11,566 --> 00:11:16,725
They're like competing to see who's
the most, the least understandable.
229
00:11:16,726 --> 00:11:19,006
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
230
00:11:25,446 --> 00:11:29,085
Bane, take off your mask love,
I can't catch a word you're saying.
231
00:11:29,086 --> 00:11:32,325
INAUDIBLE REPLY
232
00:11:32,326 --> 00:11:35,565
He's a wonderful actor, don't get me
wrong. No, he's very good.
233
00:11:35,566 --> 00:11:38,565
Tom Hardy's very muscular so he's
a terrific actor. Terrific actor.
234
00:11:38,566 --> 00:11:41,445
No, no, he's good, he's scary good,
scarily good. But...
235
00:11:41,446 --> 00:11:44,765
INAUDIBLE
236
00:11:44,766 --> 00:11:46,565
I don't, I don't, I don't...
237
00:11:46,566 --> 00:11:48,245
Do you know what I think that is?
238
00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:51,805
I think that they both are very
formidable actors. Yes
239
00:11:51,806 --> 00:11:55,725
Very charismatic,
a little bit scary. Yes.
240
00:11:55,726 --> 00:11:58,085
Can you imagine a first AD going up
to one of them going,
241
00:11:58,086 --> 00:12:01,405
"The director thinks he can't
quite understand what you're saying,
242
00:12:01,406 --> 00:12:03,005
"do you want to try
a different voice?
243
00:12:03,006 --> 00:12:04,885
"Do you want to try a different
voice?"
244
00:12:04,886 --> 00:12:08,565
"The director's a little worried
that maybe people can't understand what you're saying."
245
00:12:08,565 --> 00:12:11,364
MUMBLED REPLY
246
00:12:11,365 --> 00:12:14,364
"OK, all right, all right, no...
247
00:12:14,365 --> 00:12:17,804
"Tom says he's quite happy with
the voice he's got at the moment,
248
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:19,684
"he's happy to go with that."
249
00:12:19,685 --> 00:12:23,285
INAUDIBLE REPLY
250
00:12:24,885 --> 00:12:27,644
No, I'm just relaying what the
director said.
251
00:12:27,645 --> 00:12:30,884
IRATE INAUDIBLE REPLY
252
00:12:30,885 --> 00:12:33,885
No, I understand. I understand.
253
00:12:35,525 --> 00:12:37,525
Yeah, they're both upset now.
254
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:44,484
Is this not something
we could fix in post?
255
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:47,364
Because I think you've opened
a can of worms.
256
00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:48,924
I know, I know, I'm on your side.
257
00:12:48,925 --> 00:12:52,084
I know I understand perfectly Tom,
and Christian, no you too.
258
00:12:52,085 --> 00:12:54,244
Yes, no, I understand.
259
00:12:54,245 --> 00:12:56,604
I know that's what I told him,
I think
260
00:12:56,605 --> 00:12:58,564
he's, I think he, yes, shall I?
261
00:12:58,565 --> 00:13:00,965
He says it's fine, just,
just go with the voices.
262
00:13:02,845 --> 00:13:04,445
Yes, OK.
263
00:13:10,685 --> 00:13:14,564
I like Tom Hardy, I couldn't do
what he does, I couldn't do it and neither could you.
264
00:13:14,565 --> 00:13:16,604
But he couldn't do,
he couldn't do what I do.
265
00:13:16,605 --> 00:13:19,324
When you're saying something like,
"See in store for details."
266
00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:21,645
No way he could do that. No, no.
267
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,524
Sorry, where do I look for details?
268
00:13:24,525 --> 00:13:27,204
And when you have to talk quickly
with the disclaimer at the end.
269
00:13:27,205 --> 00:13:30,804
Your home may be at risk if you
don't keep up repayments, terms and conditions may apply.
270
00:13:30,805 --> 00:13:35,444
No projection, if you project you
add time. Yeah. Now Hardy...
271
00:13:35,445 --> 00:13:39,444
MUFFLED SPEECH
272
00:13:39,445 --> 00:13:43,284
You got through it. Well, yeah,
I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I can't be any other way.
273
00:13:43,284 --> 00:13:45,643
your average family in the
middle of Coronation Street,
274
00:13:45,644 --> 00:13:47,883
"What the hell is that!"
275
00:13:47,884 --> 00:13:51,283
They're throwing things,
throwing the remote at the screen. No, I'm with you.
276
00:13:51,284 --> 00:13:53,683
I can hardly understand what
he's saying.
277
00:13:53,684 --> 00:13:55,683
I wouldn't say that to his face
though.
278
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:57,963
No, never, no, no...
279
00:13:57,964 --> 00:14:00,523
Never, if I see him, "Loved Batman."
280
00:14:00,524 --> 00:14:04,163
Some people said they couldn't
understand you, but they're just wrong. Yeah.
281
00:14:04,164 --> 00:14:06,843
You imagine if I said
there are great savings at B&Q,
282
00:14:06,844 --> 00:14:08,523
with that sort of a voice...
283
00:14:08,524 --> 00:14:10,683
Exactly.
I'd be laughed out of town.
284
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,203
Of course you would. Just try it.
285
00:14:13,204 --> 00:14:15,483
MUFFLED SPEECH
286
00:14:15,484 --> 00:14:17,363
That's why...
Have you lost your mind?
287
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:19,483
That's why Tom Hardy doesn't
do B&Q voiceovers.
288
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,923
He hasn't got the B&Q gig, has he?
No, he hasn't no.
289
00:14:21,924 --> 00:14:24,363
But, equally, if I was Bane,
290
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,923
"I'm going to smash you to
smithereens Batman
291
00:14:26,924 --> 00:14:29,083
"and leave you
lying at the bottom of a pit."
292
00:14:29,084 --> 00:14:31,083
You see that's clear,
but lacks character.
293
00:14:31,084 --> 00:14:33,683
And it lacks menace, it's too
reasonable. It's too reasonable.
294
00:14:33,684 --> 00:14:35,724
I'm a reasonable villain.
295
00:14:42,204 --> 00:14:44,964
Oh wow, look at that.
296
00:14:48,044 --> 00:14:51,163
Grazie.
297
00:14:51,164 --> 00:14:52,483
Grazie.
298
00:14:52,484 --> 00:14:54,523
Look at that, do you know what?
299
00:14:54,524 --> 00:14:55,724
That's just...
300
00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:00,163
There's a lovely... Mmm. Lovely...
301
00:15:00,164 --> 00:15:01,963
Game...
302
00:15:01,964 --> 00:15:03,364
We're both eating game. Mmm.
303
00:15:04,884 --> 00:15:07,403
Game's very good for you. Mmm.
304
00:15:07,404 --> 00:15:10,603
Because living in the wild,
it's had lots of nutrition,
305
00:15:10,604 --> 00:15:12,203
it's been eating wild.
It's been...
306
00:15:12,204 --> 00:15:15,803
Been exercising, exercising.
On the run, very fit, exercise.
307
00:15:15,803 --> 00:15:18,242
So if you were to eat Mo Farah...
Yeah.
308
00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:20,322
it would be fantastically
beneficial. Exactly.
309
00:15:20,323 --> 00:15:24,562
It's the equivalent of eating
Mo Farah if you were in a plane crash with him. Yeah, yeah.
310
00:15:24,563 --> 00:15:26,842
If you were in a crash with him...
...in the Andes.
311
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,883
In the Andes. I'd eat him first,
if he was dead.
312
00:15:31,883 --> 00:15:34,242
What if he was mortally wounded,
you know there was
313
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:37,722
no chance of him surviving and he'd
lost all feeling in his lower body?
314
00:15:37,723 --> 00:15:41,402
Would you start to eat those
fantastic legs? No, no, because that would be rude.
315
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:44,202
Keeping the freshness. No, there's
no rudeness, he's going to die,
316
00:15:44,203 --> 00:15:46,242
he's already paralysed
from the waist down.
317
00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:48,722
"Mo, mo, you know
you're not going get up again."
318
00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:52,002
If you put a tent up half way along
and you distracted him by chatting to him.
319
00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:54,882
Possibly. About his glories at the
Olympics, reliving those moments,
320
00:15:54,883 --> 00:15:56,882
you united the nation Mo,
you were wonderful.
321
00:15:56,883 --> 00:15:59,882
Well, you know what, it's a
bit of a silly conversation,
322
00:15:59,883 --> 00:16:03,082
but given the choice...
323
00:16:03,083 --> 00:16:05,402
I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs
than yours.
324
00:16:05,403 --> 00:16:08,722
And that's not... There's more
benefit in them, I'd be the first to admit.
325
00:16:08,723 --> 00:16:12,082
Only a fool would eat my legs
over Mo Farah's legs. Yeah.
326
00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:15,442
I'm trying to think who
I'd eat your legs over.
327
00:16:15,443 --> 00:16:18,442
Um... Stephen Hawking.
328
00:16:18,443 --> 00:16:20,082
Yes. Yes?
329
00:16:20,083 --> 00:16:22,762
Although I'd definitely
eat his brains first, before yours.
330
00:16:22,763 --> 00:16:26,602
I'd then use his chair to escape
down the hill, down the Andes.
331
00:16:26,603 --> 00:16:29,562
If he was in the crash.
The crash is me, you, Mo Farah
332
00:16:29,563 --> 00:16:30,762
and Stephen Hawking.
333
00:16:30,763 --> 00:16:34,602
We'd all been travelling to
Argentina to do a celebrity Krypton Factor together.
334
00:16:34,603 --> 00:16:37,762
We crash, we're thinking,
"How are we going to get out here?"
335
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:38,922
And that's how we do it.
336
00:16:38,923 --> 00:16:41,522
And then realise it was all
part of the Krypton Factor.
337
00:16:41,523 --> 00:16:44,762
Yeah, it was a challenge and bloody
hell we've killed Mo Farah.
338
00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:47,162
And we've eaten a fair
chunk of his thigh.
339
00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:49,322
But in all seriousness,
you get back to England,
340
00:16:49,323 --> 00:16:51,602
you've survived the plane crash,
you're on TV being
341
00:16:51,602 --> 00:16:55,361
interviewed by one your mates,
like Wogan, or someone like that.
342
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:59,081
Yeah. And Wogan's saying,
So, Rob, how did you,
343
00:16:59,082 --> 00:17:01,241
how did you survive
the crash in the Andes?
344
00:17:01,242 --> 00:17:02,881
You must have been pretty hungry
345
00:17:02,882 --> 00:17:04,881
when you were sitting
there in the snow.
346
00:17:04,882 --> 00:17:07,401
And wondering, where am
I going get my next beer from?
347
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:11,441
A little bird tells me that you,
that you ate Mo Farah's legs.
348
00:17:11,442 --> 00:17:14,121
Is that true? Did you eat his
legs? No, I've heard this.
349
00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:17,281
I think this is a rumour
put around by Steve Coogan,
350
00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:19,081
as he recuperates.
351
00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:21,841
Ah, the old Steve Coogan,
the old Alan Partridge,
352
00:17:21,842 --> 00:17:23,561
that's a funny,
that's a funny fella.
353
00:17:23,562 --> 00:17:26,561
Funny fella. And in real life,
just as funny, Terry.
354
00:17:26,562 --> 00:17:28,281
I'm sure he is. An absolute ball.
355
00:17:28,282 --> 00:17:29,881
But to get back to the point
though...
356
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,961
No, let's talk about Steve.
Let's talk about...
357
00:17:31,962 --> 00:17:35,521
In real life he's a delight.
Let's talk about you... He's the kind of guy you want...
358
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,601
No, let's talk about you
eating Mo Farah's fucking legs.
359
00:17:38,602 --> 00:17:41,201
Tell the fucking truth about eating
Mo Farah's fucking legs.
360
00:17:41,202 --> 00:17:45,801
At which point we get taken off the
air. Do you think Terry'll eff and jeff like that?
361
00:17:45,802 --> 00:17:48,361
Imagine the switchboards.
I know, I know.
362
00:17:48,362 --> 00:17:49,602
And I escape Scot free.
363
00:17:51,922 --> 00:17:55,561
Oh, Rob Brydon, always good
to welcome him in.
364
00:17:55,562 --> 00:17:56,762
Here's Chris Rea.
365
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:04,482
No, grazie.
366
00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:09,481
Grazie. Prego.
367
00:18:09,482 --> 00:18:11,921
The inside of this
when you turn it around,
368
00:18:11,922 --> 00:18:14,401
look the beginning of a Bond film.
369
00:18:14,402 --> 00:18:16,561
Let's have a look.
370
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:19,321
You know why those
swirly things are?
371
00:18:19,322 --> 00:18:21,961
When you see them, when you're
looking down the barrel of a gun,
372
00:18:21,962 --> 00:18:23,761
you know what that is, don't you?
No.
373
00:18:23,762 --> 00:18:25,921
That's the rifling
on the inside of the barrel.
374
00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:27,640
Rifling? Yeah.
375
00:18:27,641 --> 00:18:30,280
Rifling through your wife's handbag.
It's the same thing.
376
00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:32,560
Going around and around and around.
Really?
377
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:35,640
Rifling was what they introduced
after the muskets
378
00:18:35,641 --> 00:18:37,760
which had no rifling.
379
00:18:37,761 --> 00:18:41,040
On muskets the lead ball fired
straight out. You know a lot about guns.
380
00:18:41,041 --> 00:18:43,440
It's just, I just pick stuff up.
381
00:18:43,441 --> 00:18:46,000
You just picked it up, Mr Coogan?
382
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:49,600
Both of these weapons were found
underneath your bed
383
00:18:49,601 --> 00:18:52,320
on the night of the offence. Well, a
shotgun has no rifling in it,
384
00:18:52,321 --> 00:18:54,600
that's why you can't call
a shotgun a rifle.
385
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,160
I don't doubt whether you can call
it this, that or the other,
386
00:18:57,161 --> 00:19:00,760
what I want to know is
why your finger prints were found around the trigger?
387
00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:02,400
HE CHUCKLES
388
00:19:02,401 --> 00:19:04,880
You say Mr Brydon was
a friend of yours,
389
00:19:04,881 --> 00:19:07,840
yet when his bloodied corpse was
found at the foot of your stairs,
390
00:19:07,841 --> 00:19:10,240
you claimed you'd had very little
involvement with him.
391
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:13,720
What was it about Mr Brydon that
made you so want to kill him?
392
00:19:13,721 --> 00:19:15,441
And don't say,
"Where should I start?"
393
00:19:16,401 --> 00:19:20,280
I didn't want to kill him.
Occasionally I found him annoying, but no more than that.
394
00:19:20,281 --> 00:19:22,680
Might he ever have found YOU
annoying, Mr Coogan?
395
00:19:22,681 --> 00:19:26,160
Might he ever have found you
a little, shall we say, pompous,
396
00:19:26,161 --> 00:19:28,520
aggrandising, self-conceited
397
00:19:28,521 --> 00:19:31,400
and up his own, shall we say, arse?
398
00:19:31,401 --> 00:19:34,480
I think we shall, I think we have.
I dare we say we might.
399
00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:37,120
I'm sure any relationship
has its ups and downs
400
00:19:37,121 --> 00:19:40,200
and ours had perhaps more downs
than ups.
401
00:19:40,201 --> 00:19:43,200
But nevertheless we had a friendship
which was...
402
00:19:43,201 --> 00:19:44,480
..stimulating.
403
00:19:44,481 --> 00:19:46,680
Stimulated by the thought
of killing him?
404
00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:49,040
Because you wanted to kill him
didn't you, Mr Coogan?
405
00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:52,200
I'm sure on occasion any of us
who have a robust relationship
406
00:19:52,201 --> 00:19:55,960
with a friend may on occasions say,
"God, I wish I could kill you."
407
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:57,480
How can one wish to kill Mr Brydon?
408
00:19:57,481 --> 00:20:00,280
A man who brought such great
joy to the nation with his small
409
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:04,719
man in a box, his voiceovers
for reputable DIY outlets,
410
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,319
and his impressions of 50%
of the Two Ronnies,
411
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,319
how could anybody wish ill on such
a cherubic figure, Mr Coogan?
412
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,879
Erm...
413
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,039
I'm not quite sure where the
question's leading.
414
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,639
Prego. Grazie.
415
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,199
Grazie. Grazie.
416
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,159
So Steve, you made it through to the
final round where we ask you,
417
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,999
how much was the meal?
418
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,319
Are you going to go, Steve, don't
answer yet,
419
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,439
are you going to go for A...
420
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,039
200 Euros. 3 Euros.
421
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,999
Are you going to go for B, 5 Euros,
422
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,960
or are you going to go for C,
152 Euros?
423
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,199
Well, 152.
424
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,560
152 Euros?
425
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,039
152, you've won the car.
426
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,520
You can drive a Mini away from here.
427
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,959
Well, that was just right.
428
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,759
Shall I drive?
429
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,799
You've had three glass of Barolo,
I haven't had any. All right.
430
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,479
Well, I am going drive at some
point on this trip.
431
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,039
Perhaps...to be discussed.
432
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,919
I can drive in the mornings,
have a bottle at lunchtime,
433
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:07,039
and then slump in the passenger
seat in the afternoon.
434
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,080
What are you doing in the boot?
Just getting some music.
435
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,479
One CD. Sounds ominous.
436
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,320
It's not Tom Jones, is it?
Alanis Morrisette.
437
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,919
You're kidding me?
438
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,999
It's Sally's...
439
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,760
..my wife.
440
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,520
Shall er... shall we?
441
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,200
Nah.
442
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,118
PHONE RINGS
443
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:44,558
Hello? Hey, Dad, it's Joe.
444
00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:47,998
Oh, hello, how are you?
I'm OK, where are you?
445
00:21:47,999 --> 00:21:51,998
I'm in Italy with Rob, Rob Brydon.
Buongiorno.
446
00:21:51,999 --> 00:21:55,478
That's him talking Italian,
like a native.
447
00:21:55,479 --> 00:21:59,278
So maybe it's better you and I talk
later on Skype at the hotel?
448
00:21:59,279 --> 00:22:00,878
All right, OK.
449
00:22:00,879 --> 00:22:03,519
Good, all right,
speak to you later, bye.
450
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,478
Teenagers...
451
00:22:08,479 --> 00:22:10,958
He's in Ibiza with his mum and Amy.
452
00:22:10,959 --> 00:22:12,758
Ah...
453
00:22:12,759 --> 00:22:14,678
I wondered why you were
so willing to come away
454
00:22:14,679 --> 00:22:16,958
when you could have been
with your kids.
455
00:22:16,959 --> 00:22:18,958
You don't get to see them
very much do you?
456
00:22:18,959 --> 00:22:20,398
Well that's...
457
00:22:20,399 --> 00:22:23,118
That's why I'm quite
glad that Pathology hasn't
458
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:24,999
been picked up for a third series.
459
00:22:26,919 --> 00:22:29,319
Yeah. So, plus I'm just tired of LA.
460
00:22:32,399 --> 00:22:36,239
So your hiatus has been
indefinitely extended?
461
00:22:37,679 --> 00:22:39,758
Yes, through the summer
to the autumn,
462
00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:42,198
but, hopefully,
not as far as the winter.
463
00:22:42,199 --> 00:22:45,318
So mid-life hiatus? Your mini hiatus
464
00:22:45,319 --> 00:22:47,038
is a mid-life hiatus.
465
00:22:47,039 --> 00:22:49,758
I know a lot of guys retired at 50
466
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:51,878
and they say it's the best
thing they ever did.
467
00:22:51,879 --> 00:22:54,198
I'm not retiring, I'm 47.
468
00:22:54,199 --> 00:22:56,558
Yes, but the time you get round
to doing it you'll be 50,
469
00:22:56,559 --> 00:22:59,398
fantastic, you'll have time on your
hands to do whatever you want.
470
00:22:59,399 --> 00:23:02,398
Maybe I'll end up doing
a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad yet.
471
00:23:02,399 --> 00:23:03,758
ROB CHUCKLES
472
00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:05,838
Glory days, glory days.
473
00:23:05,839 --> 00:23:09,638
They've now passed me by, they
didn't renew the contract on that,
474
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:12,237
which is a great shame because they
were ludicrously tasty.
475
00:23:12,238 --> 00:23:15,837
What doth it profit it a man
if he gain an endless
476
00:23:15,838 --> 00:23:19,597
supply of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes,
but sells his soul?
477
00:23:19,598 --> 00:23:20,957
Well...
478
00:23:20,958 --> 00:23:23,957
Quite a lot of money,
quite a lot of money.
479
00:23:23,958 --> 00:23:26,557
Incrementally increasing
year on year.
480
00:23:26,558 --> 00:23:28,757
Yes but it came to an end,
didn't it?
481
00:23:28,758 --> 00:23:31,997
Yeah, I worked for two years,
so it incrementally increased for two years.
482
00:23:31,998 --> 00:23:34,517
Well, one year, the first year.
That's one increment.
483
00:23:34,518 --> 00:23:36,318
Yes, that's technically true.
484
00:23:39,278 --> 00:23:42,237
Do you still want to
get your photograph taken outside Byron's house?
485
00:23:42,238 --> 00:23:45,557
Yes, the publishers want
photos for the book.
486
00:23:45,558 --> 00:23:47,997
We can't have too many.
487
00:23:47,998 --> 00:23:50,037
1822 to 1823.
488
00:23:50,038 --> 00:23:51,797
He stayed one year in Italy.
489
00:23:51,798 --> 00:23:54,238
That's just a holiday.
It was just before he died.
490
00:23:55,638 --> 00:23:59,317
He was essentially on the run
from England
491
00:23:59,318 --> 00:24:02,037
because he'd, you know,
slept with his sister,
492
00:24:02,038 --> 00:24:05,397
sodomised his wife
and some young boys.
493
00:24:05,398 --> 00:24:07,318
Yes, some of that is out of order.
494
00:24:08,438 --> 00:24:10,317
Go back a bit further,
I want to see the sign.
495
00:24:10,318 --> 00:24:12,877
But you're looking straight at my
nose. You and the sign.
496
00:24:12,878 --> 00:24:15,837
But you're looking straight..isn't
that too low? But you want both in.
497
00:24:15,838 --> 00:24:17,998
Yes, but what do I look like?
498
00:24:21,118 --> 00:24:23,837
It is Alarnis or Alanis?
It's Alarnis.
499
00:24:23,838 --> 00:24:26,957
How do you know that? Because I just
decided and that's enough.
500
00:24:26,958 --> 00:24:28,637
That's good enough. All right.
501
00:24:28,638 --> 00:24:30,757
In America people call
themselves what they want.
502
00:24:30,758 --> 00:24:32,757
I'm sure her dad's
probably called Alan.
503
00:24:32,758 --> 00:24:34,917
In which case it would be Alanis.
504
00:24:34,918 --> 00:24:36,437
Er, not necessarily.
505
00:24:36,438 --> 00:24:40,317
I wouldn't be surprised
if there's a lot of blokes in America called Alan,
506
00:24:40,318 --> 00:24:42,317
say it's Alarn.
507
00:24:42,318 --> 00:24:46,517
I'm Alarn. There's some properties,
I want you to take a look.
508
00:24:46,517 --> 00:24:49,196
And Morrisette, it's probably
that she was a Morrissey fan
509
00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:52,396
and decide to call herself
a Morrisette.
510
00:24:52,397 --> 00:24:54,076
Is he still going?
Does he still sing now?
511
00:24:54,077 --> 00:24:57,596
He's still singing about
things that make him sad
512
00:24:57,597 --> 00:24:59,516
and sometimes happy.
513
00:24:59,517 --> 00:25:02,556
Now he lives in Los Angeles
514
00:25:02,557 --> 00:25:05,316
? where it doesn't rain any more,
any more. ?
515
00:25:05,317 --> 00:25:08,276
Excellent, you're doing voices,
516
00:25:08,277 --> 00:25:10,836
I'm doing voices. All is well.
517
00:25:10,837 --> 00:25:13,396
She's not American though,
I will pick you up on that.
518
00:25:13,397 --> 00:25:15,276
Alanis is Canadian.
519
00:25:15,277 --> 00:25:18,476
Avril Lavigne in many ways
520
00:25:18,477 --> 00:25:21,516
is the young person's
Alanis Morrisette.
521
00:25:21,517 --> 00:25:23,956
You know, I don't want to do down
a young performer
522
00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:25,636
but she's no Alanis Morissette.
523
00:25:25,637 --> 00:25:28,316
Alanis Morissette is authentic,
an authentic voice.
524
00:25:28,317 --> 00:25:30,476
So you do like Alanis Morissette?
525
00:25:30,477 --> 00:25:33,476
Relative to Avril Lavigne.
Go on, then.
526
00:25:33,477 --> 00:25:37,276
All right, let's have a nostalgia
trip back to 1995,
527
00:25:37,277 --> 00:25:39,836
when we were both but 30 years old.
528
00:25:39,837 --> 00:25:42,477
That's why Sally loves it,
she was only 20 then.
529
00:25:43,757 --> 00:25:45,836
? Do I stress you out? ?
530
00:25:45,837 --> 00:25:47,236
Yes you do.
531
00:25:47,237 --> 00:25:49,236
My sweaters on backwards and
inside out
532
00:25:49,237 --> 00:25:51,636
? And you say, how appropriate. ?
533
00:25:51,637 --> 00:25:54,676
How appropriate. You know I can see
the appeal in a woman like this.
534
00:25:54,677 --> 00:25:56,996
Volatile women are always sexy
when you first meet them.
535
00:25:56,997 --> 00:25:59,996
But two years down the line you're
sort of saying things like,
536
00:25:59,997 --> 00:26:02,716
"Can you put the lids
back on these jars, please."
537
00:26:02,717 --> 00:26:06,276
I admire you taking
a stand against society's laws
538
00:26:06,277 --> 00:26:08,996
by wearing your jumper inside out.
Yeah.
539
00:26:08,997 --> 00:26:10,357
But enough is enough.
540
00:26:14,757 --> 00:26:17,716
And I am frightened
by the corruptive ways of this land,
541
00:26:17,717 --> 00:26:19,916
if only I could meet my maker.
542
00:26:19,916 --> 00:26:22,995
And I am fascinated
by the spiritual man.
543
00:26:22,996 --> 00:26:25,195
I am humbled by his humble nature.
544
00:26:25,196 --> 00:26:26,715
Do you know what?
545
00:26:26,716 --> 00:26:29,475
It is music that appeals
to neurotic teenage girls,
546
00:26:29,476 --> 00:26:31,275
but it's actually rather good.
547
00:26:31,276 --> 00:26:34,276
Byron appealed to teenage girls.
Very true, very true.
548
00:26:41,676 --> 00:26:44,195
What's this place called?
Cenobio Dei Dogi.
549
00:26:44,196 --> 00:26:45,835
The dodgy hotel?
550
00:26:45,836 --> 00:26:47,555
Dogi, Dogi means ruler.
551
00:26:47,556 --> 00:26:49,995
This was the ruler's summer palace.
552
00:26:49,996 --> 00:26:52,596
The Royal Hotel in Manchester.
That's a dodgy hotel.
553
00:27:02,076 --> 00:27:05,435
Look at that, it doesn't get much
better than that, Rob.
554
00:27:05,436 --> 00:27:07,555
Absolutely stunning, gorgeous.
555
00:27:07,556 --> 00:27:09,595
The Dolce Vita.
556
00:27:09,596 --> 00:27:10,995
We're living the dream.
557
00:27:10,996 --> 00:27:14,555
It's funny isn't it, women
that age just look straight through us don't they?
558
00:27:14,556 --> 00:27:17,155
Non-threatening. No, they don't even
find us threatening.
559
00:27:17,156 --> 00:27:21,555
They don't even find me lascivious
because they think I couldn't possibly be thinking like that.
560
00:27:21,556 --> 00:27:24,035
The one in blue top
looks like a younger me.
561
00:27:24,036 --> 00:27:26,635
A younger, idealised version of me.
562
00:27:26,636 --> 00:27:28,915
A lovely hybrid of Springsteen
and Petula.
563
00:27:28,916 --> 00:27:32,635
He's like you, after a computer has
corrected all your deficiencies.
564
00:27:32,636 --> 00:27:36,075
He's an airbrushed me, isn't he?
It's like the best surgeon in the world
565
00:27:36,076 --> 00:27:38,795
has been given a year with you.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
566
00:27:38,796 --> 00:27:42,075
There was a time when I used to make
eye contact with a woman
567
00:27:42,076 --> 00:27:43,835
and she'd flash a smile back.
568
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:45,195
And...
569
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:47,675
That's all it would be, just
a little moment.
570
00:27:47,676 --> 00:27:51,315
Those women just, the smile you
get from them is the smile
571
00:27:51,316 --> 00:27:53,276
they give to a benevolent uncle.
572
00:27:54,475 --> 00:27:55,755
Or a pest.
573
00:27:57,275 --> 00:28:01,514
They think we're two elderly
homosexuals on our last tour of the Riviera before we die.
574
00:28:01,515 --> 00:28:04,474
What do you think they're saying?
"Look at those two guys over there,
575
00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:06,834
"they think they're really cool.
576
00:28:06,835 --> 00:28:10,874
"They don't realise this isn't
a place for old bastards like that."
577
00:28:10,875 --> 00:28:13,634
"What about the guy on the right
in the white jacket?
578
00:28:13,635 --> 00:28:17,554
"I see him on the television, he in
the advert for the stand-up bath.
579
00:28:17,555 --> 00:28:19,274
"He's really cool." Stand up bath?
580
00:28:19,275 --> 00:28:21,274
That's where they think
they see you before.
581
00:28:21,275 --> 00:28:23,715
"I see him advertising stand
up bath with door.
582
00:28:25,515 --> 00:28:29,474
"I see him advertising pet insurance
policies for the over 50s."
583
00:28:29,475 --> 00:28:31,714
Let's just look this way.
584
00:28:31,715 --> 00:28:35,634
Nature never disappoints you,
no rejection.
585
00:28:35,635 --> 00:28:37,914
Quite rough though. Yes.
586
00:28:37,915 --> 00:28:41,554
We're supposed to be getting a boat
tomorrow going to the Bay of Poets. Are we?
587
00:28:41,555 --> 00:28:43,995
Yeah, where Byron swam.
588
00:28:44,045 --> 00:28:48,595
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