Original subtitles

[PARTY SOUNDS]

* THINKIN' ABOUT THE TIMES YOU DROVE IN MY CAR *

* THINKIN' THAT I MIGHT HAVE DROVE YOU TOO FAR *

* AND I'M THINKIN' ABOUT THE LOVE *

* THAT YOU MADE ON MY TABLE *

* I TOLD YOU NOT TO WANDER OUT IN THE DARK *

* I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE SWANS... *

GARDNER!

HE'S COMING.

OK.

* THEN I TOLD YOU ABOUT OUR KID *

* NOW HE'S MARRIED TO MABEL... *

ALMOST, DARLIN'...

BUT NOT QUITE.

MORE ICE! MORE ICE!

OK. HE'S COMING!

OH! OH!

HEY, PHIL...

IS THIS THE APPROPRIATE WEDDING COLOR, SON,

BLACK?

IT'S...IT'S PERFECT.

WELL, I GUESS WHEN A GROOVER MARRIES,

THE WORLD MOURNS.

HEY!

HEY! LINE UP.

HEY, HEY! LINE UP, OK?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

UM, TURN THE MUSIC DOWN.

TURN THE MUSIC DOWN. COME ON. SHH!

[MUSIC STOPS]

OH, GOD. COME ON. SHH. SHH.

SHH. SHH.

ARE YOU READY? OK, HERE THEY COME. SHH.

SHH.

3...

2...

1...

SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

MOM!

DAD!

HI, FOLKS!

Dad: SON.

WE THOUGHT WE'D JUST DROP IN

AND SEE WHERE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.

I'M GLAD YOU DID.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

YOU REMEMBER DORMAN, MY ROOMMATE DORMAN?

AREN'T YOU THE YOUNG MAN STUDYING TO BE A...

A MINISTER.

MINISTER. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

AND THIS IS LESTER GRIFFIN,

THE FIFTH GROOVER.

HE JUST GRADUATED

SUMMA CUM LAUDE IN ACCOUNTING.

CONGRATULATIONS, LESTER.

WELL, I, UH...

GUESS WE'LL SEE YOU AFTER BOOT CAMP...

LIEUTENANT.

UH...YES, SIR.

AAH!

WE'LL SEE YOU, SON.

BYE, MOM.

SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, DAD.

GARDNER!

WHAT?

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES ACROSS RECORD]

GOOD. I HATE THAT PART.

THAT WAS MY PARENTS.

THEY'RE FROM NEW JERSEY.

THEY'VE SEEN BUTTS BEFORE.

THERE HE IS!

SNEAKING IN THE BACK DOOR! WOO-HOO!

WHOA! HEY!

YOU GETTING MARRIED, BOY.

GETTING MARRIED.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I PROMISED DEBBIE

YOU'D BE IN DALLAS TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU HAVEN'T PACKED. YOU'RE NOT DRESSED.

SPEECH! SPEECH!

SPEECH! SPEECH!

QUIET. QUIET.

UH...TH-THE WEDDING'S OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP! DAMN IT.

DEB AND I AIN'T GETTING MARRIED.

I'M CALLING IT OFF.

WAGGENER, THAT'S GREAT!

OH, SON, WHEN DID YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES?

WHEN I GOT THIS.

I'VE BEEN DRAFTED, GARDNER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WE'RE SAVED.

THE GROOVERS ARE SAVED!

HEY. THIS HAS HIS ORDERS ON IT.

WELL, WE GOT ANOTHER ONE, COLONEL.

MINE SAYS THE SAME THING,

EXCEPT WHERE IT GOES,

"A REVIEW OF YOUR 2-S STUDENT DEFERRED STATUS

"INDICATES THREE YEARS

WITHOUT ACHIEVING ACADEMIC ADVANCEMENT.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED FOR INDUCTION."

THIS MEAN I GET MY FONDUE SET BACK?

YOU DOG! WOO-HOO!

YEAH! YEAH!

PHILIP! PHILIP!

PHILIP, GIVE ME YOUR KEYS!

WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE.

WHO'S GOING?

WE'RE GOING! US!

THE GROOVERS! NOW!

WH-WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAR?

YOU'RE DRINKING IT.

COME ON, MAN.

ALL RIGHT!

DORMAN, GET LESTER.

YOU SOLD YOUR CAR TO THROW A PARTY?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GRADUATE!

WHAT IS THIS?

A FAREWELL FANDANGO FOR THE GROOVERS! WOO-HOO!

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS WHEN YOU LEAVE.

INNOCENT CRITTERS SQUASHED ON THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE!

* IT'S GETTIN' LATE

* HAVE YOU SEEN MY MATES?

* MA, TELL ME WHEN MY BOYS GET HERE *

* IT'S 7:00, AND I WANNA ROCK *

* WANNA GET A BELLYFUL OF BEER *

* MY OLD MAN'S DRUNKER THAN A BARREL FULL OF MONKEYS *

* AND MY OLD LADY, SHE DON'T CARE *

* MY SISTER LOOKS CUTE IN HER BRACES AND BOOTS *

* A HANDFUL OF GREASE IN HER HAIR *

* OH

* DON'T GIVE US NONE OF YOUR AGGRAVATION *

* WE'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR DISCIPLINE *

* OOH, SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT FOR FIGHTIN' *

* GET A LITTLE ACTION IN

* GET ABOUT AS OILED AS A DIESEL TRAIN *

* GONNA SET THIS DANCE ALIGHT *

* 'CAUSE SATURDAY NIGHT'S THE NIGHT I LIKE *

* SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT *

* ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

* WHOO-OO-OO-OOH

* WELL, THEY'RE PACKED PRETTY TIGHT *

* IN HERE TONIGHT

* I'M LOOKIN' FOR A DOLLY WHO'LL SEE ME RIGHT *

* I MAY USE A LITTLE MUSCLE *

* TO GET WHAT I NEED

* I MAY SINK A LITTLE DRINK *

* AND SHOUT OUT, "SHE'S WITH ME" *

* A COUPLE OF THE SOUNDS THAT I REALLY LIKE *

* ARE THE SOUNDS OF A SWITCHBLADE *

* AND A MOTORBIKE

* I'M A JUVENILE PRODUCT OF THE WORKIN' CLASS *

* WHO'S BEST FRIEND FLOATS IN THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS *

* OHH

* DON'T GIVE US NONE OF YOUR AGGRAVATION *

* WE'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR DISCIPLINE *

* SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT FOR FIGHTIN' *

* GET A LITTLE ACTION IN

* GET ABOUT AS OILED AS A DIESEL TRAIN *

* GONNA SET THIS DANCE ALIGHT *

* 'CAUSE SATURDAY NIGHT'S THE NIGHT I LIKE *

* SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT *

* ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

* WHOO-OO-OO-OOH

* SATURDAY, SATURDAY, SATURDAY *

* SATURDAY, SATURDAY, SATURDAY *

* SATURDAY, SATURDAY, SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT *

* SATURDAY, SATURDAY, SATURDAY... *

NACHOS DE LA NOCHE...

ES ESTO TAPATIO.

YO SOY HOMBRE PICANTE.

¿COME SE LLAME YO MAMA?

[URINATING]

TOUGH IT OUT, SON. TOUGH IT OUT.

WELL, NOW...

WHAT DO YOU BOYS WANT FOR BREAKFAST?

BARBECUE?

OK, CHILI.

DRAFTED...

GRADUATED...

DISENGAGED...

GUESS Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, DON'T YOU?

WE GOT TO DIG UP DOM.

OPEN UP, PHILIP.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY CAR TO MEXICO.

DOM'S NOT IN MEXICO. HE'S ON THE BORDER.

I KNOW WHERE HE IS.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU'D LET DOM

STAY BURIED OUT THERE FOR A CENTURY

FOR SOME NERD TO FIND?

NO. I MEAN WE'RE NOT DRIVING 400 MILES IN MY CAR

JUST TO DIG HIM UP.

YOU SWORE, SON. WE ALL DID.

HOLY GROOVER OATH. REMEMBER?

WE'RE DOG MEAT. THIS COULD BE OUR LAST CHANCE.

WE-WE'RE FACING COMBAT

AND QUESTIONABLE LIFE SPANS.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING AFTER

SOME NAMELESS PIECE OF TRASH

ALONGSIDE THE ROAD.

WE'RE GOING AFTER DOM, PHILIP...

A DEAR BUD BURIED BY THE GROOVERS

A LONG TIME AGO.

BONDS AND BEERS AND THE FIVE OF US

DRIVING DOWN THAT LONG, LONESOME HIGHWAY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT US RELIVING

THE GREATEST CHAPTER IN GROOVER HISTORY.

DON'T THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU?

LOOK...WE HAD OUR FLING, AND IT WAS FUN, OK?

BUT WE GOT TO GET TO DALLAS BY TOMORROW NIGHT

FOR HIS WEDDING.

READ MY LIPS, PHILIP, OK?

HE'S... NOT GETTING MARRIED.

HE DIDN'T BACK OUT YET.

DID YOU?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

NOTHING. SHE WASN'T HOME.

WHAT?

SHE WAS AT A KITCHEN SHOWER,

SO I TOLD HER DAD.

YOU CALLED OFF YOUR WEDDING

AFTER TALKING TO HER DAD?

NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY,

CAN WE GET GOING?

WE GOT TO HELP HIM.

PHILIP...

I'M JUST AS CONCERNED ABOUT THIS AS YOU ARE.

I SPENT $18 FOR THIS TUX.

BUT IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE,

AND DOM IS WAITING.

OVER, ROVER!

AAH!

COME ON! WATCH OUT!

WE HAVE TO REPORT

TO BOOT CAMP MONDAY NIGHT.

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW NIGHT.

WE WERE GONE A WEEK THE FIRST TIME!

FLUKES. GROOVERS GOT TO EXPECT

THAT KIND OF STUFF

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

HEY!

HOW ABOUT MARGARITAS AT CHATTA ORTEGA'S?

WE CAN SEE THE DONKEY LADY!

WE COULD GET DISEASES.

I SWEAR, PHILIP,

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE BRING YOU ALONG SOMETIMES.

MY CAR, MY MONEY.

Carol King: * JUST TO PASS THE TIME

NEXT TIME WE STOP,

MAYBE I CAN GET OUT AND CALL DEB

TO TELL HER IN PERSON.

SHE'S BEEN TOLD, WAGGENER.

JUST LET IT RIDE, SON.

GIVE IT A FEW WEEKS.

THEN WRITE HER.

* IT'S TOO LATE, BABY

* NOW IT'S TOO LATE

* THOUGH WE REALLY DID...

YOU EVER HAVE ANY REGRETS?

ABOUT WHAT?

* SOMETHING INSIDE HAS DIED... *

CERTAIN WOMEN.

* AND I JUST CAN'T FAKE IT *

I NEVER BEEN SERIOUS ABOUT A WOMAN

IN MY LIFE, SON.

YOU KNOW THAT.

* IT USED TO BE SO EASY LIVIN' HERE WITH YOU *

* YOU WERE LIGHT AND BREEZY *

* AND I KNEW JUST WHAT TO DO *

* NOW YOU LOOK SO UNHAPPY *

* AND I FEEL LIKE A FOOL *

* AND IT'S TOO LATE, BABY

* NOW IT'S TOO LATE

* THOUGH WE REALLY DID TRY TO MAKE IT *

* SOMETHING INSIDE HAS DIED... *

THAT'S DIRT, SON.

THERE'S NO HIGHWAY THROUGH HERE.

DOTTED LINE MEANS DIRT.

I THOUGHT IT MEANT SHORT CUT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT "E" MEANS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT "E" MEANS?

IT MEANS EMPTY, DOUCHE BAG...

LIKE YOUR HEAD!

WELL, I GUESS

I'M JUST NOT OFFICER MATERIAL.

I GUESS NOT.

WHERE ARE WE?

THE ASS OF NOWHERE.

HA HA HA!

[LAUGHING]

GIVE LESTER A BEER.

HE DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER BEER.

HE'S FACING LIFE AS AN ACCOUNTANT.

HE NEEDS SOMETHING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS.

THIS IS STUPID!

IT'S THE STUFF LEGENDS ARE MADE OF, SON.

HUH...

WHAT TIME'S THE WEDDING?

TEXAS IS REALLY UGLY, YOU KNOW THAT?

I MEAN, WHAT COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY LIKE

ABOUT THIS STATE?

I LIKE THE WAY IT'S SHAPED.

IT'S WILD, PHILIP.

ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE...

JUST LIKE US.

HA.

HO. HO, HO, HO.

HO.

CAN YOU IMAGINE COMING ALL THE WAY OUT HERE

JUST TO GET KILLED?

YOU HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS?

I BELIEVE I BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES.

WELL, BUCK UP, BUD,

BECAUSE I THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

THAT'S WHAT HER FATHER SAID ON THE PHONE.

"YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

I'M BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY."

ALWAYS BEEN IN FRONT OF ME TILL THEN.

WAGGENER, THIS IS HISTORY, ALL RIGHT?

THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER A WOMAN

IS GET YOURSELF ANOTHER ONE,

SO WHEN DOM'S DUG UP AND OUR DUTY'S DONE,

WE'RE GOING TO SLIDE INTO CHATTA ORTEGA'S,

AND WE'LL DESTROY A FEW BRAIN CELLS...

THE GUY'S RICH, GARDNER.

HE COULD HAVE MADE SOME CALLS.

WHY SHOULD HE?

IT'S YOUR DUTY.

WELL, I'M PROUD TO BE GOING.

I AM.

AREN'T WE ALL?

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

THAT'S THE TRAIN, BOYS!

YOU! OFF THE CAR!

GET OFF MY CAR.

COME ON. WE CAN HOP IT.

WHAT?

GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS?

WHAT ABOUT MY CAR?

WE'LL PICK IT UP ON THE WAY BACK.

FORGET IT. I KNOW YOU.

THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY RIDE WE GET.

WE'RE NOT LEAVING MY CAR,

AND THAT'S FINAL.

GARDNER, TALK TO ME.

TALK TO ME.

I MAY HAVE VAPOR LOCK ON MY BRAIN,

BUT I NEED TO KNOW, ARE YOU CRAZY?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

IT'LL WORK, PHILIP.

YOU THINK THIS IS A WISE MOVE?

I MEAN, IT'S A TRAIN.

THINK! DON'T BE BIG AND STUPID.

COME ON.

GARDNER, GARDNER, SHOW SOME SENSE.

OH, GREAT. GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, DORMAN!

GET THE WHEELS STRAIGHT.

THAT'S A FELONY, YOU KNOW THAT?

YES.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?

WE'RE FACING IMMINENT DEATH!

IT'LL BE JUST LIKE WATER-SKIING, PHILIP.

WATER-SKIING?

GET IN.

HE DID IT! RUN, SON.

BRAKE OFF?

YEP.

NEUTRAL?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

IT'LL WORK, PHILIP.

DORMAN, RUN!

HURRY!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PIZZAS I MADE TO BUY THIS CAR?

HEY,

HOW ARE WE GOING TO STOP?

FIRST PHONE WE GET TO, I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

PHILIP, CAN'T LET A LITTLE THING LIKE THIS

STOP THE DAMN PILGRIMAGE.

SORRY. WE'RE GETTING OFF HERE.

THAT CAR'S AFFLICTED.

NO, IT JUST NEEDS A LITTLE ALIGNMENT HYGIENE.

WELL, I HOPE Y'ALL AIN'T IN NO HURRY.

I CAN'T FIX IT TILL IN THE MORNING.

HOW COME?

'CAUSE IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

MY MECHANIC'S GONE HONKY-TONKING.

MY TOOLS IS IN HIS TRUCK.

SORRY, BOYS.

A NIGHT IN MARFA AIN'T SO BAD.

MOTEL'S OVER THERE.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR CHEAPER BUNKS,

THERE'S A ROADSIDE PARK JUST UP THE HIGHWAY

BY THE MOVIE SET WHERE THEY SHOT GIANT.

JAMES DEAN WAS HERE?

YEAH.

1955.

LISTEN, FRONT-END ALIGNMENT WILL RUN YOU $11.95.

WANT ME TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

YEAH, IF IT'S FREE.

I'LL GET YOU OUT OF HERE EARLY AS I CAN.

BETTER HURRY IF YOU WANT SUPPER.

DAIRY QUEEN CLOSES AT 8:00.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?

GIVE ME THREE CHILI DOGS AND A MALT.

* IN THE COOL OF THE EVENING *

* WHEN EVERYTHING IS GETTIN' KINDA GROOVY *

* I CALL YOU UP AND ASK YOU *

* IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO WITH ME AND SEE A MOVIE *

* FIRST YOU SAY NO

* YOU'VE GOT SOME PLANS FOR TONIGHT *

* AND THEN YOU STOP

* AND SAY

* ALL RIGHT

* LOVE IS KINDA CRAZY

* WITH A SPOOKY LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU *

* YOU ALWAYS KEEP ME GUESSIN' *

* I NEVER SEEM TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKIN' *

* AND IF A FELLA LOOKS AT YOU *

* IT'S FOR SURE YOUR LITTLE EYE WILL BE A-WINKIN' *

* I GET CONFUSED 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND *

* AND THEN YOU SMILE

* AND HOLD MY HAND

* LOVE IS KINDA CRAZY

* WITH A SPOOKY LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU *

OH, BEN'S A FAGGOT.

* SPOOKY *

COME ON. THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

IT'S NOT THE SAME, GARDNER.

WHAT'S NOT?

THEY'RE JAILBAIT.

WELL, THAT NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE.

WE WERE JAILBAIT BEFORE.

HA HA HA!

THEY'RE AIRHEADS, GARDNER.

BIMBOS.

LITTLE GIRLS WITH LITTLE BRAINS.

WE'RE NOT TRYING TO EXPAND THEIR MINDS,

PHILIP, SO DON'T GET PICKY ON ME.

SO RIGHT AFTER SHE HAD THE BABY,

THEY HAD TO REMOVE HER UTOPIAN TUBES.

NO. NO. THAT'S FALLOPIAN, DARLIN'.

FALLOPIAN?

THOSE ARE BOOKS OF THE BIBLE, SILLY.

FIRST AND SECOND FALLOPIANS.

SO WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT TO DO NOW?

ARE YOU 18?

I KNOW, LET'S SHOOT FIREWORKS.

OOH!

THAT WOULD BE SO NEAT.

WOULD Y'ALL LIKE TO DO THAT, HUH?

ONLY IF IT'S NEAT.

WE GOT TONS OF BOTTLE ROCKETS

LEFT OVER FROM CHRISTMAS.

WE JUST GOING TO PULL OFF THE ROAD?

NO...

I THINK WE'LL GO TO MY DADDY'S PLACE.

YAH!

AAH AAH YAH!

JUST WHAT EXACTLY

DOES YOUR DADDY DO, LORNA, DARLIN'?

HE'S IN THE FUNERAL BUSINESS.

THIS IS HIS CEMETERY.

COME ON, Y'ALL.

COME ON. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

CAN'T WE JUST FIND A PLAYGROUND OR SOMETHING?

THIS HAS BEEN MY PLAYGROUND

EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

SEE?

LOTS OF PLACES TO HIDE.

I AIN'T GOING TO ASK WHAT WE'RE HIDING FROM.

FROM EACH OTHER.

IT'S NO FUN

SHOOTING ROCKETS OFF IN THE AIR.

YOU GOT TO HAVE MOVING TARGETS.

AIN'T THAT JUST A TAD DANGEROUS?

NO. IT'S SO NEAT.

WE'LL CHOOSE UP SIDES.

OK. ME AND WAGGENER AND PHIL.

Y'ALL TAKE THE GARDEN OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD

AND THE GARDEN OF BLISS.

WE'LL GO COUNT TO 100 WHILE YOU HIDE.

THEN WE'LL COME AFTER YOU.

NO AIMING FOR THE FACE. AND BE CAREFUL.

THESE COULD GO OFF AND HURT SOMEBODY.

AAH!

WHOA!

WHOA!

WE STARTED!

GARDENER.

AAH!

OK. COME ON.

GO ON!

Y'ALL WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NEW GRAVES.

THEY'RE NOT PACKED DOWN YET.

THESE STIFFS GOT NO MANNERS AT ALL.

SORRY, FRIEND.

[EXPLOSION]

AAH!

I'M NOT SURE I CAN DO IT, GARDNER.

I'M NOT SURE I CAN GO.

THEN DON'T.

IT'S NOT QUITE WHAT I EXPECTED.

THEY SHOT GIANT HERE?

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

JAMES DEAN WALKING AROUND RIGHT OUT HERE.

PASS ME THE CLASSIFIEDS THERE, WOULD YOU, BUD?

ALL THAT INK'S BOUND TO BE WARM.

GREAT.

THIS IS THE WORST.

THIS IS THE WORST EVER.

NOW IF IT WOULD JUST RAIN.

SEE THAT STAR...

OFF THAT PEAK?

THAT WAS OUR STAR...

ME AND DEB...

TO TALK TO WHEN WE WERE APART.

QUIT IT.

I WONDER IF THE NIGHT'S

LIKE THIS IN 'NAM.

YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

LOOKING FORWARD TO IT,

AIN'T YOU, PHILIP?

TO SERVING MY COUNTRY?

YEAH. I AM.

THERE ARE OTHER COUNTRIES.

YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

THERE'S CANADA.

YOU ARE THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE PERSON

I HAVE EVER MET.

WELL...

SOMEBODY HAD TO BE.

OW! SNAKE!

SNAKE!

SNAKE...

IT'S IN MY PANTS.

DON'T RILE HIM UP, PHILIP.

DAMN. IT'S A SNAKE.

WHAT KIND IS IT?

IT'S A RATTLER.

IT'S MOVING!

IT'S MOVING!

A LIZARD.

IT FELT LIKE A SNAKE.

NO. IT FELT LIKE A RATTLER.

GOD! I WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

WELL, GET USED TO THEM.

20, 21, 22, 23 AND 50.

AND 5 FOR THE GO JUICE.

MUCH OBLIGED FOR THAT BODY JOB.

THAT IS FIRST RATE WORK.

THE OTHER WAY, BUD.

REMEMBER, IT'S LEFTY LUCY, RIGHTY TIGHTY.

OH!

OH!

ANOTHER 100 MILES AND WE'RE THERE, BOYS.

* DOM ORTEGAS *

HOW ABOUT SOME BREAKFAST?

WHERE'D YOU GET THE MONEY?

BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM THE GIRLS.

IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY.

WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE.

YOU STOLE THAT MONEY.

JUST LIKE YOU STOLE MY CAR.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WE'RE EMBARKED ON WHAT IS PROBABLY

THE GREATEST EPIC ADVENTURE OF ALL TIME.

ALL YOU CAN DO...

NOBODY CARES ABOUT EPIC ADVENTURES ANYMORE.

PHILIP, WE...

WE CAME OUT HERE

TO TRY AND FORGET SOME THINGS. ALL RIGHT?

SO WHY WON'T YOU LET US?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING NOWHERE, SON.

IT'S A PRIVILEGE OF YOUTH.

WE'RE NOT YOUTHS ANYMORE, PETER PAN.

YOU'RE ONLY 18 ONCE.

LIKE YOU'RE ONLY A VIRGIN ONCE,

AND THEN IT'S OVER.

LIKE THE GROOVERS.

I SORT OF LIKE TO THINK OF US

AS AN INSTITUTION, BUD.

OVER!

YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY, PHILIP,

WHEN YOU'RE OLD...

HEY...

HEY...HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M NOT EVEN RINSED OFF.

NO MORE QUARTERS.

GOD!

DARN!

I THINK YOU'RE TRASH, GARDNER!

I THINK YOU'RE SLIME.

SELFISH, WORTHLESS, IRRESPONSIBLE SLIME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION'S A WONDERFUL THING.

TURN MY CAR AROUND NOW!

YOU'RE A BULLSHIT ARTIST.

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE EVER GOING TO BE,

'CAUSE WHEN LIFE GETS TOO COMPLICATED,

YOU JUST TAKE OFF.

RUN AWAY.

WELL, MAKE THE MOST OF THIS ONE, ASSHOLE!

IT'S THE LAST TIME YOU PUSH ME AROUND.

FIND SOME OTHER JERK

TO GO CHASING AFTER RAINBOWS...

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

JUST SHUT UP!

I'M SICK OF YOUR MOUTH.

NOBODY MADE YOU COME, YOU WHINER.

JUST LIKE NOBODY MADE YOU ROOM WITH US.

YOU WANTED TO!

IT'S ALWAYS BITCH, BITCH ABOUT DOM OR WHATEVER!

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD AT!

YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS.

SO EITHER KILL YOURSELF AND DO US ALL A FAVOR

OR SHUT THE HELL UP!

I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED AS MUCH

FROM A GUY WHO CHICKENS OUT

ON HIS OWN WEDDING.

THAT'S RIGHT...

COWARD.

IT WASN'T THE DRAFT.

IT WASN'T HER PARENTS.

YOU JUST GOT SCARED AND RAN OFF LIKE HIM.

AND NOW YOU'RE DOWN HERE

PRETENDING ALL THIS CRAP IS STILL FUN.

AFRAID TO ADMIT SHE'S THE BEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!

YOU KNOW YOU BLEW IT!

YOU WIMP, I HAD TO!

DON'T TELL ME...

TAKE THE WHEEL.

FELLAS!

STOP IT.

QUIT IT!

QUIT IT.

AAH!

COME ON.

THAT'S IT, PHILIP.

NOW, THAT'S IT.

YOU WIN.

WE'RE GOING HOME.

THANKS TO YOU DOM DON'T MEAN SHIT ANYMORE.

DOM NEVER MEANT SHIT.

YOU KNOW, YOU TALK TOUGH.

YOU ACT TOUGH.

YOU MARCH A BUNCH OF WEENIES

AROUND AN INTRAMURAL FIELD,

BUT THE FACT IS, YOU'RE AN ROTC COLONEL

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU EVER COULD BE.

AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.

ANXIOUS TO RUN OFF AND GET YOURSELF MARTYRED,

HOPING SOMEBODY'S GOING TO LOVE YOU FOR IT.

YOU'RE PATHETIC, PHILIP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT.

YOU'RE JUST PATHETIC.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON

WE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

WE NEVER REALLY LIKED YOU, SON.

WE JUST FELT SORRY FOR YOU.

I'M...I'M NOT A WEENIE.

DORMAN, TURN US AROUND.

WE GOT TO GET THIS LITTLE WEENIE

BACK TO HIS STUPID LITTLE, WORTHLESS WAR.

YOU LISTEN TO ME!

NOT EVERYONE GETS A COLLEGE EDUCATION

JUST HANDED TO THEM.

THAT UNIFORM IS MY TICKET

TO SOME KIND OF FUTURE.

AND I'M GIVING MY NOTICE RIGHT NOW.

I'LL TAKE ON ANYBODY, ANYTHING, ANYWHERE

ANYTIME...

WELL, PHILIP.

O-OK.

I'D HAVE DONE IT IF WE HAD THE MONEY.

YOU LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?

YES, I AM.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE HEAD JUMPING BEAN.

SOME GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR YOU.

GOOD MORNING TO YOU.

QUITE A DAY FOR JUMPING, ISN'T IT?

GARDNER BARNES.

YOUR NAME, SIR?

UH, TRUMAN SPARKS.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, TRUMAN.

YOUR WIFE TELLS ME YOU'RE IN CHARGE HERE.

NO. SHE AIN'T MY WIFE.

TRELIS IS JUST MY OLD LADY.

TRUMAN, YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MILWAUKEE DAILY MOON?

HUH?

WELL, WE'RE ON THE TRAVEL AND ENTERTAINMENT STAFF

OF THAT ILLUSTRIOUS NEWSPAPER,

AND WE'RE CONDUCTING A RESEARCH TOUR.

OUR ACTION-ADVENTURE EDITOR, MR. HICKS,

WANTS TO TAKE A JUMP COURSE

SO HE CAN ACCURATELY DEPICT THE DELIGHTS OF SKYDIVING

IN HIS COLUMN.

HE WANTS TO DO THAT TODAY?

NO, SIR, RIGHT NOW.

IT'LL BE IN A PAPER?

WE'RE TALKING BIG DOLLARS.

COULD ANY OF THIS LAND

BE AVAILABLE FOR RESORT DEVELOPMENT?

RESORT?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LOT OF POTENTIAL.

LOT OF POTENTIAL.

SINCE THIS SERIES WILL BE A FREE GODSEND

TO THE LOCAL ECONOMY,

WE WERE HOPING MAYBE THAT YOU COULD, UH,

RECIPROCATE A LITTLE ON THE LESSON.

TRUMAN.

HUH?

ON THE LESSON.

NO PROBLEM. WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.

THEN LET'S GET TO IT.

OK!

OK, FIELD MARSHAL, LET'S GO.

HE'S SCARED OF HEIGHTS, REMEMBER?

WELL, MOST WEENIES ARE.

AAH!

HEY, PRETTY EXCITED, ISN'T HE?

THE MAN ABSOLUTELY THRIVES ON DANGER.

WE NEED TO COUNSEL WITH HIM

ABOUT HIS EDITORIAL APPROACH,

SO YOU GO INSIDE, GET THINGS STRUNG UP.

WE'LL BE IN RIGHT AFTER YOU, OK?

OK.

LET HIM UP, DORMAN.

PRETTY MEAN, AREN'T YOU, PHIL?

PRETTY MEAN CHARACTER.

WELL, PROVE IT.

ALL RIGHT, I WILL...

ON ONE CONDITION.

ANYTHING YOU SAY, WEENIE.

YOU'VE GOT TO SWEAR IT

IN CASE I'M NOT HERE.

CONSIDER IT SWORN.

ME, TOO.

IF I DO THIS,

YOU GOT TO SWEAR YOU WON'T DODGE THE DRAFT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU GOT TO SWEAR

YOU WON'T SKIP OFF TO MEXICO WITH HIM!

OK.

I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU THINK.

LET'S DO IT.

HEY, REAL GUNG HO, HUH?

HE CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.

SIGN A RELEASE, AND WE'LL GO.

A RELEASE?

SAYING YOU WON'T SUE ME

IF YOU GET KILLED.

YOU'LL BE COMING OUT HERE

AND DOING A STABLE FALL FACE DOWN, FROG MODIFIED.

OUT HERE COMES THE STATIC LINE.

THE PILOT CHUTE OPENS, PULLING THE BRIDLE OUT.

THEN THE MAIN CANOPY WILL BE OPEN.

YOU'LL BE HERE, LOOKING UP HERE

FOR THE WDI INDICATOR.

YOU'LL ALSO CHECK FOR MAE WEST.

IF THAT'S NOT THERE,

YOU CHECK HERE FOR FOUR PANELS AND A HOLE.

WHEN YOU COME DOWN,

YOU'LL LAND HERE AND GET IN THIS POSITION.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

SO YOU WANT TO GET RIGHT HERE,

COME AROUND HERE, FOLD UP,

DO A TOGGLE AND JETTISON,

AND ALWAYS WATCH THE HORIZON.

ARCH! ARCH! ARCH! ARCH!

ARCH! ARCH! ARCH! ARCH!

ARCH! ARCH! ARCH! ARCH!

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD IT.

YOU SCREWED UP AGAIN, MAN.

YOU GOT TO STAY CLEAR OF THIS GUIDELINE, DUDE,

OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR HEAD TORE OFF.

GO AHEAD AND JUMP OFF THE STRUT

AND ARCH BACK ONTO THIS MATTRESS.

ARCH! ARCH!

A GOOD HARD ARCH.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN LIKE I SHOWED YOU.

YOU'RE INSIDE. I CUT THE ENGINE.

YOU REACH YOUR HANDS OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

STEP OUT ON THE WHEEL,

DANGLE A FOOT, AND ARCH!

ARCH! ARCH!

ARCH! ARCH!

ARCH! ARCH!

[CRASH]

HA HA HA HA.

WOW. HE, UH, HE MISSED THE MATTRESS.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HELP HIM

ADJUST THE STRAPS.

THE CHANCES OF HAVING A MALFUNCTION

ARE 1 IN 1,000, MR. HICKS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU WORRYING ABOUT IT.

I RIGGED CHUTES IN NAM.

I REPACK THESE BABIES EVERY WEEK.

IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG

WITH YOUR MAIN CHUTE,

YOU GOT THE BELLY RESERVE HERE.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET TWO SHOTS.

WE'LL GO THROUGH IT LIKE I SHOWED YOU.

YOU'RE ON THE WING AND LOOKING AT ME.

COME ON. YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME,

AND I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL TO GO!

NOW YOU'RE WATCHING AND COUNTING.

1,001, 1,002. THERE'S NOTHING HAPPENING!

AT 6, LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!

IT'S A STREAMER! CUT AWAY!

PULL THE "D" RINGS! TUCK AND COVER!

TUCK AND COVER! HIT THE RESERVE!

LOOK OUT! YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN, MAN!

LOOK OUT! HERE COMES THE GROUND!

YOU GOT TO BE COOL, DUDE.

DO THAT IN THE REAL THING,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO BOUNCE.

BOUNCE?

WHEN SOMEBODY MAKES THE BIG DROP,

THEY DON'T REALLY SPATTER.

THEY JUST BOUNCE ABOUT 10 FEET.

AROUND HERE, YOU DON'T

'CAUSE THE LANDING ZONE'S REAL SOFT.

ALTHOUGH IN ONE CASE,

A GUY LEFT A CRATER LIKE A METEORITE.

DID HE BURN WHEN HE ENTERED THE ATMOSPHERE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

ARE WE READY TO SUIT HIM UP?

OH, SURE THING, MR. BARNES.

TEST 1.

[ECHO] TEST 1.

TEST 2.

[ECHO] TEST 2.

YOU'RE ALL SET, MAN.

I'LL BE TALKING YOU DOWN.

IS SOMETHING THE MATTER, DUDE?

IF IT'LL MAKE IT EASIER,

I'LL JUMP FIRST

SO'S YOU CAN WATCH HOW IT'S DONE.

OH.

OH, GOD.

WHAT A SPACE CADET I AM, HUH?

I CAN'T DO THAT.

IF I DO THAT,

WHO'S GOING TO LAND THE PLANE?

OH, GOD.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

THAT WAS A BAD JOKE.

THERE SHE IS.

WHAT A BEAUT.

I PAINTED HER MYSELF.

SLOW YEAR, HUH?

LOOKS FAST, TRUMAN.

YEAH. IT'S THE STRIPES.

YEAH. WELL, I LIKE THOSE.

TRELIS PAINTED THOSE.

SHE'S REAL TALENTED.

WATCH YOUR HEADS NOW.

WE DON'T NEED THAT.

OH, HI, HAZEL.

NO FLIGHT TODAY.

[BANG]

OH, SAY, TRUMAN, I AIN'T SURE,

BUT I THINK I JUST HURT YOUR PLANE.

OH. OH, NO, MAN. DON'T WORRY.

THAT THING'S ALWAYS COMING OFF.

I'M ALWAYS MEANING TO FIX THIS THING.

I JUST NEVER HAVE THE TIME.

THERE WE GO.

THAT BABY'S AS GOOD AS NEW.

MR. HICKS!

OH, HERE HE IS.

THERE HE IS.

YOU ALL SET?

HE'S RARING TO GO.

HEY, HOW COME YOU GUYS

AREN'T WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN?

THAT'S A GOOD POINT, TRUMAN.

YOU TAKE GOOD NOTES, PHILIP.

HOP IN, DUDE.

THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A GROOVER, BOYS,

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR WEENIEKIND!

WHOO!

THERE HE IS, BOYS!

I THINK HE'S REALLY GOING TO DO IT.

AIN'T THIS FINE?

VICARIOUS ENTERTAINMENT,

COURTESY OF PHIL HICKS,

WEENIE EXTRAORDINAIRE.

OH, THAT PHIL. HE'S SOMETHING.

HEY!

WHICH ONE OF YOU GEEKS GRABBED THE WRONG CHUTE?

WHO'S GOT MY LAUNDRY?

YOU PROBABLY DO STUFF LIKE THIS A LOT,

BEING AN ACTION-ADVENTURE EDITOR.

DID YOU EVER SPEARFISH FOR SHARKS?

MUST BE A REAL RUSH...

YOU AND A GREAT WHITE, ONE ON ONE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A RADIO ON THE PLANE?

HE NEVER NEEDED ONE.

THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

LISTEN, WE GOT TO GET HIM DOWN,

GET HIM DOWN.

WE GOT TO STOP HIM, TRELIS.

QUIT WORRYING.

HE'S GOT ONE GOOD CHUTE

AND MY LAUNDRY!

YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO REMEMBER

ANY OF THAT EMERGENCY STUFF?

WOULD YOU?

WE GOT TO STOP HIM.

WE GOT TO SEND HIM A SIGNAL.

HOW, SMOKE SIGNALS?

BURN HIS CAR.

NO, NO! SOMETHING ELSE.

SOMETHING ELSE.

I GOT IT!

WE'LL SPELL "DON'T JUMP"

ON THE GROUND.

WITH WHAT?

HEY, YOU DON'T MIND IF I FIRE UP, DO YOU?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A COUPLE OF HITS

BEFORE YOU GO OUT THE DOOR.

IT MAKES THE TRIP DOWN REAL INTERESTING.

QUICK, SON!

WE NEED YOU TO BE AN APOSTROPHE!

NO, NO! IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!

IT'S TOO SMALL.

HE WON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WE'RE OUT OF CLOTHES.

COME ON, GARDNER, THINK!

COME HERE, BOYS!

THERE AREN'T MANY DUDES LEFT AROUND

WHO'LL GO FOR IT.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

IT'S LIKE THE MAN SAID...

IT'S BETTER TO GO LIKE THIS

THAN IN SOME SENSELESS TRAGEDY.

I'D RATHER BURN IN AT 200 MILES AN HOUR

AND HAVE SOME LAUGHS

THAN TO EAT IT IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

THAT'S A DUMB WAY TO GO.

OH, HEY.

I GOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DREAM.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET INTO THIS, MAN.

THE ONE THING I WANT TO DO

BEFORE JOINING THE COSMOS

IS HANG GLIDE OFF MOUNT EVEREST.

WAIT. HERE'S THE BEST PART...

IT'S NAKED!

YEAH, MAN.

* BORN TO BE WILD *

YEAH, WE'RE ALMOST THERE, BUDDY.

THE DROP ZONE'S DEAD AHEAD.

HEY, MAN, WHAT A DRAG.

THE PLANE'S COMING.

I MEAN WHERE DO YOU GUYS GET OFF?

BIODEGRADABLE SOAP

DON'T COME CHEAP, YOU KNOW.

HEY, LOOK.

YOUR BUDDIES WROTE YOU SOME KIND OF MESSAGE.

THIS IS GREAT!

ONE BOTCHED LOAD ISN'T ENOUGH.

YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY UNCOOL.

MY FLOUR!

WHAT A PISSER!

"GO...ON."

HEY, THOSE GUYS SPELLED IT OUT GOOD.

HERE, TAKE A LOOK.

OH!

AAH!

HE'S COMING, YOU GUYS!

HE'S COMING!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS ON?

UH, MA'AM, UH, WAIT.

MA'AM, NO.

NO, MA'AM. NO. WHOA.

NO, TRELIS, NO, WAIT.

OK, MAN. GET READY.

JUST KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, MAC.

WE NEED THAT LAUNDRY A FEW MINUTES.

I AIN'T KINKY. I AIN'T INTO THAT STUFF.

[AIRPLANE MOTOR REVS]

OK, DUDE, OUT YOU GO.

REMEMBER...

I WANT TO SEE A GOOD, HARD ARCH.

WHAT AM I DOING OUT HERE?

GO!

WHOA! AAH! AAH!

HEY, MAN, YOU GOT TO LET GO!

DON'T GET SICK, MAN.

I CAN'T LAND WITH YOU LIKE THAT.

SORRY, DUDE.

OOH!

YAA!

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

A WHOLE WASHDAY SHOT TO HELL.

WOW. WHAT A BUMMER.

HEY, MR. HICKS, GUESS WHAT?

HEY, DON'T GET UPSET, MAN,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO TELL YOU.

YOUR PARACHUTE DIDN'T OPEN, MAN.

MR. HICKS!

SWEET JESUS, MAKE HIS BRAIN WORK.

HIT THE RESERVE, SON. HIT IT!

MR. HICKS! LISTEN, DUDE.

IF YOU'RE INTO PLAYING IT CLOSE, THAT'S COOL,

BUT WE'RE TALKING MEGAMALFUNCTION HERE.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

COME ON, PHIL! HIT IT!

TURN YOUR VOLUME UP A TAD!

I SAID YOUR PARACHUTE DIDN'T OPEN, MAN!

WHAT?

OK, DUDE, NO PROBLEM.

JUST WANTED TO KEEP YOU POSTED.

NOW WHY DON'T WE PULL ON THAT OLD RESERVE, HUH?

IT'S ON YOUR BELLY, MAN.

IT'S A SILVER HANDLE ON YOUR BELLY.

YOUR STOMACH. YOUR TUM-TUM.

PULL THE HANDLE ON YOUR STOMACH!

PULL THE HANDLE

ON YOUR STOMACH!

PULL THE HANDLE ON YOUR STOMACH!

PHILIP!

YAHOO!

YEAH!

YAHOO!

YEAH! ALL RIGHT. WAY TO GO, MR. HICKS!

NOW GET THOSE LEGS TOGETHER

AND GET READY TO LAND!

YAY! WOOWOO! WOO!

YEAH! YAHOO!

TERRIFIC! YAHOO!

YEAH! WOOHOO!

WOOHOO!

WOOHOO! YEAH!

WOOHOO!

YOU MADE IT, SON!

PHILIP. LISTEN TO ME, SON.

I DIDN'T MEAN A WORD.

NOT A WORD.

WAY TO GO, MISTER!

GREAT RECOVERY, MAN. I WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND.

HE'S GOT A GOOD GRIP ON THAT THING.

WAKE UP, SON. IT'S ALL OVER.

FORGIVE US.

WE'LL NEVER BADMOUTH YOU AGAIN.

ANGELS!

NO, SON, IT'S US.

YOU MADE IT. YOU'RE ALIVE.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN IN THE ANNALS

OF GROOVERDOM FOR THIS ONE, BUD.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU GET A FREE PICTURE WITH YOUR FIRST JUMP.

OK.

OH. LISTEN, UH...

HOPE YOU AREN'T SORE ABOUT THIS LITTLE SCREWUP.

OH, NO. NO.

ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.

I DON'T WANT NO BAD PRESS.

OK, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE.

YOU'LL WEAR THAT OUT

LOOKING AT IT SO MUCH, PHILIP.

WEENIES ARE LIKE THAT.

THANKS FOR LETTING US FINISH THIS THING.

IT'S THE LAST ONE.

HOW FAR IS THE BORDER?

IT'S ABOUT 3 OR 4 MILES THATAWAY.

THINK HE'S STILL THERE? DOM?

YEAH. IT DON'T ALL CHANGE.

THIS PLACE DID.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE 16, 17,

LOOKING AHEAD?

HOW YOU KNEW THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS...

THEY'D BE GREAT.

JUST KNEW IT.

I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY NO MORE.

I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU, GARDNER.

I SWORE.

I KNOW.

HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT'S AFTER MEXICO?

I AIN'T TOO WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD REQUEST

A DUTY ASSIGNMENT IN GERMANY.

WE GOT LOTS OF BASES THERE.

MAYBE I COULD HELP OUT.

WELL, THANK YOU, BUD.

BUT, UH...I JUST CAN'T CHANCE THAT.

ANYWAY, YOU KNOW ME...

GOT TO ROAM.

GOT TO BIRD-DOG.

GOT TO CROSS FEMALES AND FENCES,

AND IF YOU'D ALL JUST COME WITH ME, YOU'D SEE.

WELL, THEN...

LET'S GO DIG THAT RASCAL UP.

THAT'S IT.

HELLO, BUD.

HERE'S TO US, BY GOD!

TO US, AND THAT,

AND PRIVILEGES OF YOUTH.

HERE'S TO US AND WHAT WE WERE.

AND WHAT WE'LL BE.

AND WHAT WE'LL BE.

[BOTTLE BREAKS]

WAS IT WORTH IT?

YEAH...

IT WAS.

NO, IT WASN'T. I BLEW IT.

SHE LOVED ME, AND I BLEW IT.

MAYBE IT NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED,

BUT AT LEAST I SHOULD HAVE TRIED.

I SHOULD HAVE TRIED.

GOD DAMN IT! I BLEW IT!

YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE, PHILIP?

I DON'T KNOW.

COURSE YOU KNOW.

IF YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU LOVED A WOMAN,

YOU LOVED HER.

THAT'S ALL LOVE IS, MOSTLY.

THOUGHTS.

HELP ME HERE.

THIS BOY'S GOT TO GET MARRIED.

YES?

OF COURSE SHE SAID YES.

WASN'T IT ME PROPOSING FOR HIM?

WAS SHE MAD?

I BLAMED YOU.

WHAT?

SHE KNOWS BETTER. FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,

DO WHAT I TELL YOU,

AND WE MIGHT PULL THIS THING OFF.

YES, SIR.

ARE WE TAKING HIM TO DALLAS?

NO. HER FAMILY WOULD KILL HIM.

IT WOULD BE BORING.

SHE'S GOT TO COME HERE.

HOW?

GIVE ME THAT DIME.

THERE'S ONLY ONE HUMAN BEING

THAT CAN DO IT ON TIME.

* GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN'

* HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY *

* LOOKIN' FOR ADVENTURE...

"I-35 TO LOOP 635.

SOUTH TO BAND-AID."

BAND-AID?

* TAKE THE WORLD IN A LOVE EMBRACE *

* FIRE ALL THE GUNS AT ONCE AND *

* EXPLODE INTO SPACE

* I LIKE SMOKE AND LIGHTNING *

* HEAVY METAL THUNDER...

OH...

OH, "CLEVELAND."

YOU. HEY, YOU!

YEAH. TERMINATE THAT FLIGHT PATH IMMEDIATELY.

FOLLOW ME INTO LOVE FIELD.

NOW! I'M NOT TELLING YOU TWICE.

* EXPLODE INTO SPACE

* LIKE A TRUE NATURE'S CHILD *

* WE WERE BORN, BORN TO BE WILD *

* WE CAN CLIMB SO HIGH

* I NEVER WANT TO DIE... *

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

US? OH, SETTING UP

FOR A WEDDING RECEPTION.

HERE?

YEP. BIG ONE, TOO.

CHAMPAGNE, ROAST DUCK, THE WORKS.

FACT, CATERING TRUCKS

OUGHT TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

YOU FEEL FREE TO STICK AROUND.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY FOR EVERYBODY.

OH! NAPKINS!

I FORGOT TO ORDER THE NAPKINS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

HELL, I GOT NAPKINS.

DO YOU?

* GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN'

* HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY *

* LOOKIN'... *

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHO?

JUST A MOMENT.

ARE YOU MR. BARNES?

WELL, YES, I AM.

TELEPHONE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

HELLO?

YES.

YES.

OH, NO.

NO.

WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO...

TALK ABOUT YOUR ROTTEN LUCK.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NO CHAMPAGNE.

TRUCK FLIPPED OVER IN FORT STOCKTON.

BROKE EVERY DAMN BOTTLE.

WHAT WILL WE DRINK?

SAY, Y'ALL DRINK BEER?

WELL, YES.

ON OCCASION.

[HORN HONKS]

HI, THERE.

HI.

MIND IF I CUT IN?

THANKS A LOT.

I WISH WE'D ORDERED BEANS.

I'LL GO HOME AND FIX A BATCH.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

THEY'D BETTER BRING TABLES ON THAT CATERING TRUCK.

THERE'S TABLES AT THE SCHOOLHOUSE.

I WONDER IF WE MIGHT BORROW A FEW.

I RECKON. MY SON IS PRINCIPAL.

SAY, YOU LOOKING FOR ME?

ED. THE BUTCHER.

ED, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

[MUSICAL HORN HONKS]

NEVER CATER ANOTHER PARTY WITH THOSE PEOPLE.

YOU FOLKS ARE SO KIND.

WHY, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WE LOST THE BAND!

MEL.

YEAH, I HEARD.

THAT'S A SHAME.

THERE'S SOME FELLAS HERE IN TOWN

THAT CUT A MEAN...

THE BAND WAS BRINGING THE DECORATIONS, TOO.

SEE, THEY WERE BRINGING OUR TREE LIGHTS, EVERYTHING.

I'M SORRY YOU HOOKED THOSE EXTENSIONS UP

FOR NOTHING.

THIS THING WAS COMING TOGETHER SO NICE, TOO.

WELL, TREE LIGHTS, HUH?

WAGGENER.

WAGGENER.

WAKE UP.

GET HANDSOME.

TRUMAN, YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR.

LOOK, I OWED YOU ONE, MR. BARNES,

AND HERE SHE IS.

DON'T I KNOW YOU?

YOU USED TO.

THANKS.

HERE.

BEST MAN'S GOT TO DANCE, TOO, YOU KNOW.

HEY!

HOW ABOUT A FANDANGO?

[CHEERING]

KEEP IT.

WHERE'S GARDNER?

WHERE'S GARDNER?

HE'S NOT HERE.

WELL, LISTEN,

I'M GOING TO CATCH A RIDE WITH SOMEBODY.

IT'S BEEN REAL.

CALL ME SOME TIME.

ARTHUR ANDERSON IN DALLAS.

GARDNER DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE.

NEITHER WILL I.

DORMAN?

GOODBYE, FRIEND.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

* COME DOWN OFF YOUR THRONE *

* AND LEAVE YOUR BODY ALONE *

* SOMEBODY MUST CHANGE

* YOU ARE THE REASON I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG *

* SOMEBODY HOLDS THE KEY

* WELL, I'M NEAR THE END

* AND I JUST AIN'T GOT THE TIME *

* AND I'M WASTED

* AND I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* OOH OOH OOH OOH

* OOH OOH OOH

* OOH OOH OOH OOH

* COME DOWN ON YOUR OWN

* AND LEAVE YOUR BODY ALONE *

* SOMEBODY MUST CHANGE

* YOU ARE THE REASON

* I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS *

* SOMEBODY HOLDS THE KEY

* WELL, I'M NEAR THE END

* AND I JUST AIN'T GOT THE TIME *

* OH, AND I'M WASTED

* AND I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* OOH

* BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* AAH

* OOH

* BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* OOH

* BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* OOH OOH OOH

* OOH OOH OOH OOH

* BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* STILL I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *

* AND I AIN'T DONE NOTHING WRONG *

* BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME *