Original subtitles

Parenting. It's probably the most important part

of being a parent.

And growing up, my mom parented the hell out of me.

Little boy! You got homework!

And you made me ruin my oatmeal mask.

So, now, I'm gonna ruin your ass.

So, now that I'm a parent,

I demand the same good behavior from my kids...

especially at our school's pancake breakfast fundraisers.

Okay, guys. How do we cut our food?

Continental style. Tines down.

Mm-hmm. And remember, chew each bite at least 40 times.

- Yeah. - I-I-I have oatmeal.

- Chew it. - Mm-hmm.

That's how you become a winner in life.

Yep.

Unlike your weirdo classmates over there.

Jar put his boots right on the table. Baller.

Hey, don't you worry about what Jar is doing.

That's "White Breakfast."

You just sit back and enjoy your "Black Breakfast".

And remember, if you ever misbehave,

it's a reflection on our entire community.

Wha... how...

Ooh!

Handle it.

Excuse me.

Hi. Your daughter just took my bacon and broke my yolk.

It's okay. She believes in communal food.

Really? Well, here's the thing...

I think that's stupid.

Father, may we please be excused to use the lavatory?

Of course you may, my children.

I am so proud that we are raising perfect kids.

When you know right, you do right.

- Cheers! - Cheerio!

And since my system works and my kids never misbehave,

I never expected this news from their teacher...

I caught these kids showing these kids

how to spray paint the bathroom.

Now, I won't tell you what they were painting,

but, Mr. Johnson, you have one, and, Mrs. Johnson, you don't.

You spray paint a bathroom?!

I burn your clothes.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Now, for the fun part. Give me your favorites.

Oh, this is really gonna hurt, guys!

No. Your real favorites,

not the crap that your mother buys you.

Goodbye, yellow dress and baseball bat

that made me feel like Beyoncé.

So long, camo pajamas.

I guess I'll see you in my dreams...

unless I dream about a forest.

Let them burn!

We raised you to follow rules and obey authority.

What got into you?

We were just...

Sit yo' five-dollar ass down before I make change!

We only did it because George and Jar were doing it.

Ugh. George and Jar?!

They are a bad influence on you guys.

You can't see them anymore.

Oh, that won't be hard, because you're grounded.

For six months.

Yeah! Half a year, bitches!

B-B-Babies!

No, no, no, stick with it.

And that is the gist of the American Revolution.

Thank you for your enthusiasm, Andre.

All right, guys, read chapter 13 for tomorrow.

That was amazing. I mean, there was just something

about the way you taught it that was, like,

"Were we gonna be free of British rule?

I don't know!"

Okay, I am gonna get this monstrosity to the car.

Can you believe it fits in a hatchback?

Well, um, let me help you.

I'm actually in the market for a new whip.

Really looking at the hatchback brand.

- Yeah. - So, what kind of music do you listen to?

Um, I'm really into '90s gangsta rap.

Oh, yeah.

What up? Whoo-hoo! West side!

- Argh! - Oh, my God.

- Yeah. - Okay.

All right. Let's get this to your car, yeah.

Thank you.

Whoo! Hey, guys.

Whoa, you're in a good mood.

Why wouldn't I be?

- I finally broke my kids. - Mm!

Why would you want to break your children?

So they could be better at life.

That never actually worked for me, Dre.

I mean, I tried to be the authority figure, you know.

Always saying stuff like, "Hey, brush your teeth"

or "They're going to ban you from the mall".

But if you're too strict with your kids,

they won't think you're cool, you know.

- Boom! - Whoa!

Cool dab, Dad.

Either your fly or you're not fly.

I don't care what my kids think. They don't get to think.

I think for them.

I wish somebody would think for me... or even about me.

I didn't get to have a thought until I was 15

and my mother was away on a church weekend.

Then, when she came home and found out I was thinking,

she slapped the thoughts right out of me.

- Ooh. - Didn't think again till college.

Mm. I didn't have my first thought

until after my mother died.

Then I was slapped by her ghost.

You would think it'd go right through you.

It does not.

Her ghost wore a ring.

Okay, Charlie, how... because the ring is real and the ghost,

it would just fall... not work.

No. It was a ring from Tiffany's.

Tiffany is dead, too.

Thanks for the ride.

So, did you like it?

Like what?

The Hyundai.

I loved it. Really hugs the road.

- Yeah. - Well, thanks for the ride.

It... The door sticks. Here. Let me help you.

Just trying to...

What in Luther Vandross' name?!

Who was that grown-ass woman?

Oh, that's just Barbara, my history teacher.

Barbara?

Oh, so, now we're calling grown-ass teachers

by their first names?

Well, she likes to be relatable.

Oh, I'm sure she does.

I saw the way she looked at you. And when she leaned over

to open the car door, she lingered.

She did not linger, Grandma. Her... Her door sticks.

She's into you.

Yeah, right. Grandma, you're reading too much into things.

Oh, no. I know my lingerers.

Hell, I linger.

Even though I stopped Jack and Diane

from hanging out with George and Jar,

I still had to see their dumb faces

at the dumb science fair.

And our next science project is from George and Jar.

Ugh. These two.

You see what happens

when your parents don't love you enough to beat you?

You're welcome.

...just upload your drawing, and the app we created

will transform it into the style of any artist.

Want to paint like Picasso?

You just did it.

Rembrandt!

Basquiat!

- Oh, my God. - No way.

I need this.

Me, too.

Boom!

Okay, guys, guys.

So, George and Jar's idea is... It's okay.

Yeah?

What... What are you guys presenting for next week?

Ours is on a whole nother level.

Yeah.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Okay. What is it?

Baking soda volcano.

Boom.

I look good, even with an apple face.

- Yeah. - This should be our Christmas card.

Yeah. Okay.

George and Jar used coding, art history, algorithms.

Jack and Diane are, like,

two steps away from being flat-earthers.

Baking soda volcano.

So dumb!

I can't believe our kids are thinking so small.

Well, I can, Dre.

Huh?

You tell them over and over again

they shouldn't think until college.

You act like this house is a communist country.

By trying to make them perfect, we've been holding them back.

Yeah. God.

You know, this is straight out of that article

that I e-mailed you.

Yes.

Straight out of that article.

You didn't read it, did you?

Ah, damn it, Bow, you e-mail me so much.

- What? - "Can you pick up Junior today?"

Uh, "Junior's still waiting."

"There's a strange man who dropped Junior off in a van."

Well, anyway, the article was saying that Black children

are more afraid of authority, afraid to take risks.

- Mm-hmm. - I just... I think we should

loosen our grip on our children,

and then, maybe, they can become innovators.

- Hmm. - Who knows?

Maybe one of them is the next Steve Jobs.

- I love Steve Jobs. - I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future.

I-I've asked you a million times

not to dress like this when Microsoft is here.

Dress like what?

Great news, guys.

You're no longer grounded.

We are giving you the freedom to go out

and win this science fair.

Doesn't that sound great?

- Mm-hmm. - What's the move here?

Are we allowed to talk?

I don't know.

- This feels like a trap. - No. No, no, no.

We want you to talk and think and have a voice.

- Yes! - Your voice matters.

It matters, guys.

- Aww! - Uh-huh.

- That's so nice. - Yes!

- Definitely a trap. - No, no.

Guys, go!

- Yes. - Go! Just dream. Discover!

And if you are gonna do a volcano,

don't just build the volcano...

- Mnh-mnh. - ...be the volcano! Psssh!

Do whatever you want to do, just as long as it's cooler...

- Mm-hmm. - ...than George and Jar.

Please. Like, seriously, please.

Mm-hmm.

So, did you dump your little girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

But if I'm being honest, I think I might have a shot.

She asked me to stay after class to erase the board,

but I think she was coming on to me.

It's nice to have a tall guy around.

Yeah, somebody has a shot...

your teacher... at jail.

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, Grandma was a sophomore in high school

and fully developed.

Ew.

Male teachers noticed,

especially Mr. Whittset.

Now, I noticed him noticing me,

and one night, we noticed a movie.

To make a long story short, he lost his kids,

and thanks to me, my school didn't have a math department.

Now, do you get what I'm saying?

You know I don't.

Stay away from Ms. Barbara.

I'm not gonna let you murder someone's husband

so your teacher can get out of a bad marriage.

Now get up and get on out of here!

Pull your pants up!

Hello, wunderkinds.

Hey, hey, hey!

What is cooking up in the imagination station, huh?

Come on, man, you don't have to work at the desk.

Come on. Go sit on the ball.

All right? Write on your bed.

Yeah, guys! Loosen up, you know?

- Mm-hmm. - I don't know...

kick a hacky sack, ride a Segway,

Ping-Pong table, you know what I mean?

Hey! A little brain jazz!

Uh, are you guys on drugs?

- No! - Mnh-mnh.

All right, we're just saying "Be free."

- Yeah. - You can do anything.

- Anything. - A-Anything?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, I can wear my Nike shorts with my Adidas slides?

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes... no...

- Ah, hell no... - No, baby...

Babe, innovators don't need to match their athletic gear.

He's not innovating!

Okay, this is gonna be tougher than I thought.

- Dre... - Huh?

- ...it is worth it. - Okay.

Our kids had been coloring inside the lines for so long...

- Unh-unh. - ...we needed to jump-start their creativity.

Outside the box.

Ah, much better.

- Dad... - Hmm?

...we've been pacing for two hours. Are you sure this works?

This is how everyone brainstorms in Silicon Valley, all right?

If you have a static body, you have a static mind.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

Great. Use it.

The best ideas come in a dream state.

I'm dream-walking right now.

Our plan was working.

Our kids were turning into free thinkers.

Here, sign this.

We got detention for thinking too freely.

Okay, today we're gonna read "Sounder."

We just read "Old Yeller."

Seems like we've been reading a lot of novels about dead dogs.

How come we're not reading novels written by dead dogs?

Are you on drugs?

Are you?

Now I feel like I want to do drugs again,

if I'm being real with y'all.

Normally, I would be pissed...

but I'm proud of you!

But next time, question White authority.

But this is a good start.

- All right. - Come on.

Bring it in. Bring it in. Aah!

So, when it was Jack and Diane's turn

to present at STEM Sunday,

we knew they were going to blow everyone away,

and we'd record every minute of it.

Volcano.

Triggered by the convergence or the divergence

of the Earth's tectonic plates.

Gases and magma erupt through a vent.

Please stand by.

You're about to witness an eruption.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Puberty.

The convergence or divergence of the body's tectonic plates.

Emotions erupt through a vent.

Hormones. Boy crushes. Enemies.

Frienemies.

Okay. Um...

I don't want to be one of those parents who films everything.

Lava.

Java.

Kava.

Guava.

Maybe you shouldn't, either. You shouldn't.

Are you starting to get it?

- Nope. - No.

Drano.

Insane-o.

Volcano.

Uh...

Very nice.

- Oh, wow! - Wow.

You... you guys did it!

- Yeah, you were up there, okay? - Uh-huh.

You were on that stage.

On the stage.

- "You were up there"? - Uh-huh.

You really think an accurate description of our location

is what's going to pass as a compliment?

- Oh. - Uh, we...

we were living in the moment. We... You don't...

We know you hated it.

- N... - And I looked into the crowd

and saw your faces where your iPhones should've been.

Hurtful.

- My... M-My battery was dead. - Oh, okay.

Listen, guys, not every experiment succeeds.

- No. - But you never know if this is gonna

lead to something else.

- I mean... - Mm-hmm.

...like... Viagra...

- Uh, what? - ...was s-supposed...

supposed to be a blood-pressure medication.

What's Viagra?

I don't need it. Okay? I don't.

But the fact is, you took a risk.

No. We took your risk.

Oh.

We wanted to do a baking-soda volcano.

And congratulations to our winners, Chloe and Rose,

for their classic baking-soda volcano.

Uh...

Looks like they just won for the thing you wanted to do.

That was a hot mess, y'all... hot mess.

Yeah.

Wow.

That was rough.

Dre, we pushed them way too hard.

And that bizarre display of nonsense

wasn't what they wanted. That was what we wanted.

And why did we want that?

Dre, I wanted our babies to know that they can fly.

Well, gravity won that round.

You know, growing up, I did whatever my mother said.

- Mm-hmm. - I played it safe,

just like she wanted me to, and it worked.

I survived.

Even when she wanted me to get that safe government job,

I took it.

Then, I realized that, if I wanted to be happy,

I needed to defy her and do my own thing.

You know, it was the opposite for me.

- Hmm? - My parents didn't give me any structure.

Baby, you were basically feral.

I wasn't feral.

Yeah, okay, fine.

So, I... I didn't... I didn't wear shoes.

- And? - And I had a pet chicken,

and I didn't see a clock till I was 13, but...

- Feral. - Yeah, all right, fine.

So, I defied my parents by going into the strictest,

most disciplined profession in the world.

Okay, you're just a doctor.

And not even a doctor that does brain stuff.

Okay, Dre, well, you know what?

You had too much structure, I didn't have enough structure,

so what are we gonna give our kids?

- I don't know. - Hmm.

I guess we could tell them that we're gonna root for them

even if they break away from us.

As long as they don't eat off of strangers' plates...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and mix athletic brands, all right?

I cannot have them looking like Eastern Europeans.

Hey.

Did you dump Barbara, or am I driving a getaway car?

We had a conversation.

Barbara...

this has to stop.

What has to stop?

Maybe, in an alternate universe, we could be together.

We could rent a condo by the beach.

When I'm 40, you'll be 47.

That's not unreasonable.

So, let's put this on hold until then.

What are you talking about?

Andre, you're my student.

It never crossed my mind.

Yeah. Me, neither.

What would we even do in that condo?

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

Nah, it's cool, 'cause I noticed something.

Can you erase the top of the board for me?

Thanks.

Grandma, I think I may be a piece of ass.

Oh! A piece of ass?

Welcome to the club.

It's a blessing...

and a curse.

We realized we didn't have to be so strict all the time,

especially when we were having pancakes.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm. Go for it.

Go ahead... put your elbows on the table.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Wow.

My back pain just went away.

You guys can chew as much or as little as you'd like.

- Mm-hmm. - Thanks, Mom.

- Mm-hmm. - This is gonna be fun.

- Rules are there to protect us. - Mm-hmm.

All right. Let's see what's so important

that your mother had to put in an e-mail rather than text.

Oh. Wow.

I missed a lot of parent/teacher conferences.

Hmm. Mm.

Jack had scabies? Ugh!

All right, hopefully that didn't spread to... Yep, mm-hmm.

Diane got it, too.

I have 900 unread e-mails from your mommy.

Oh. You know what?

Uh, Devante... No! No, Devante!

No. Don't you put your hands on my keyboard.

What? Drag that to the trash?

Mnh-mnh! N...

Uh-oh! You deleted them.

You're such a good boy.

So advanced. You know what?

You're gonna be the next Steve Jobs.

Let's go find you a turtleneck.

How do you get out of here?

It's cool.

I know how to do it.

Let's go.

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