Original subtitles

[ Circus music playing ]

I can't believe you like this.

Kiddie Wonderland is pretty lame for a ninth grader.

Yeah.

I was 5 when I asked you to take me,

and you've been putting it off ever since.

Still. Pretty lame.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Hmm. Might be work.

You can't take work calls on father-son day.

Steve, you're forgetting that work is my other son.

Be a father to your job. That's an expression.

Yello? In the flesh.

Ex-squeeze me?

Be right there.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

I thought you were focusing on me today?

No.

"Paw Patrol," my man!

* Good morning, U.S.A.

* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A.

Jeff: Babe?

Babe!

Now, what is all this commotion?

My head's stuck.

Jeff, on the day of my big cat adoption,

you get your head stuck in the banister?

You're not the only one with plans.

I have a huge prostate exam today.

You do?

Yeah, I've been cramming all week!

[ Grunting ]

This. This is why humans need whiskers.

Whiskers give cats crazy spatial deets.

Cats are like,

"Will my head fit?"

Oh, no.

Mom!

Now, what is all this commotion?

I'm prepping for my big job interview.

Look what you made me do!

Hey! Banister party.

Why are we doing this?

Klaus, you got to get us out of here.

We all have big plans today.

Hmm, do you now?

I have big plans myself.

I plan on watching you helpless losers struggle

while I enjoy these Teddy Grahams.

[ Groaning ]

But lucky for you, gracious Klaus

is always ready to strike a deal.

You open these grahams, and I...

Get us out. Deal.

I can't open Tupperware.

How can I free you from a banister?

But I do have a telescoping driving cane and a Saturn,

so I'll bring your plans to you.

Later, skaters!

So what, I'm supposed to sit at your desk all day?

You're in an office, dude.

The world is your oyster.

Hey, could you fire off a couple e-mails, make me look busy?

Okay.

We have orders to eliminate the head

of North Korea's nuclear program.

This is General Kim.

His anti-Western sentiments run deep.

Every year, our target attends an international

video game tournament in Hong Kong.

He is a massive e-sports fan.

The only time he leaves the security

of his underground bunker is to attend the final match.

That's kind of a poser move, just showing up for the finals.

He's a total poser!

That's the main reason we're killing him!

Plus he wants to nuke us all to kingdom come.

That's why you're all going undercover.

As what? His five gay dads?

As teenage gamers.

You'll fly to China, as teenagers do.

Then you'll attend the tournament's

opening ice cream social.

Oh, wow! Chinese ice cream?

-Oh, yeah! -I like this.

I'll allow this murmuring because Chinese ice cream

is unsurpassed in the world of desserts.

The next step will be to qualify for the finals.

That's when Smith will eliminate General Kim.

But none of us play video games.

You do now!

This is the game -- "Overwatch."

This is a vape pen.

This is a shitload of mango vape juice.

Master these things, or the world will end.

My main man, Steve-o.

The boys and I need some help, and you're just the guy.

Pound it.

I was so bored I slipped into a meditative state

and had a breakthrough.

I realized your inability to be present with me

created a nasty cycle that explains

my anxiety, compulsions, guilt.

Virgin, bad at sports, bad style.

Yes, okay, yes.

But a weight has lifted, and I'm starting fresh.

You live your life. I'll live mine.

Want to play video games with me?

More than anything, Dad!

[ Chuckles ] Cats are cute as hell.

If I can have you fill out an application.

For a cat? I know what I'm doing, girl.

I got damn near 50.

50 cats?

At first, I thought they were Pokémon,

so I captured every one I could find,

but when I forced them into battle, I was arrested.

In prison, I did nothing but miss

what I now realize were cats.

All aboard!

[ Cats yowling ]

Good counterattack, Dick.

Nice positioning, Hooper.

Dad, heal our tanks!

What the who now?

You don't know the words "heal" or "tanks"?

I know tanks.

You see me rock tanks all summer long.

Bullock: Smith, my office!

I'm worried.

The mission requires elite skills,

and you guys are being powned by every Torb,

Doom, and Hammond this side of the server.

Are those Puerto Rican slurs?

They're characters in the game!

At this rate, North Korea will teabag

the entire western hemisphere.

What do you suggest?

Steve's carrying your whole team.

He's like LeBron James,

the actor who single handedly saved the movie "Trainwreck."

Make Steve a player/coach and bring him to China.

I-I can't do that.

He thinks this is father-son time,

and he'll freak out if he finds out

it's actually work again.

Don't tell him.

Keep him in the dark.

Unless you're afraid of the dark.

Actually I'm afraid of the light because under it,

all of my flaws become visible.

Interesting.

I'm afraid of a woman

named Nancy that lives on my street.

She has a baby carriage full of books,

and I can't figure out why!

Get that shield up, Jackson!

Hold on.

If we're going to pass as teenage gamers,

I got to learn how to vape.

[ Inhales ]

Do I look cool? Hey, guys.

Let's start up again in 10 to discuss counterattacks.

Steve, what am I doing wrong?

You're splitting focus.

Your character is a powerful healer,

but you're trying to make her a warrior.

It's like when you're hanging out with me,

but your mind's on work.

That's being a not so nice papa.

But look at you now.

You're totally focusing on me,

blowing off work and taking me to China.

Yes, that's totally what this is.

Which is great.

So take that focus, huh, and put it in there.

Ah.

Jackson: Check it out, boys.

I think I finally got the hang

of this whole vaping thing.

[ Inhales ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Swallows ]

[ Farts ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Applause, laughter ]

Good evening, my dude.

I hope we're at the ice cream social

'cause we finna to get our scoop on.

Dab, guys, dab.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Look at all the toppings.

Whoa! There's a guy by the waffle cones

who looks just like Allen Iverson.

That's because I am Allen Iverson.

Why am I here?

If I'm being honest, it's because the best

pound for pound scorer in basketball history

deserves the best pound for pound ice cream

on planet Earth.

[ Ding! ]

[ Straining ]

Well, it's official. That's a butt hole.

O -- okay.

Uh, Francine, where do you see yourself in five years?

Out of this banister. I can tell you that much.

Dang, Franny!

You're crushing this interview.

[ Knock on door ]

I'm gonna need more cats.

Welcome to China!

Home of one big wall, billions of regular sized walls,

and this year's "Overwatch" Invitational.

We are underway.

The Americans come out with three tank heroes,

sacrificing speed for armor.

They must be drawing inspiration from the American Bison,

their bulkiest indigenous mammal.

Watch out!

Here comes a flank from Team Canada!

It's an ambush.

Stan, I need healing.

I'm following Hooper.

I thought I was following you!

Adam: The entire US team just walked off a cliff.

Perhaps a new strategy we haven't seen?

Ward: Nope. Just really bad.

I think their strategy was to be good,

but they didn't execute.

What you want an autograph or something, kid?

Yeah. You can sign it on my dick.

All: Dr. Weitzman?

What up?! It's me, Dr. Dubbs!

I'm on a mission, too.

After the ice cream social, I followed a group

of young Korean boys to their hotel room...

Uh...

...where I extracted their stem cells.

I modified the DNA to give you all

super-human reaction time.

Okay, men. It's double elimination.

We can still reach the finals.

Dad, why is there a syringe in your brain?

Uh -- uh, I was getting brain freeze

from all the ice cream we've been eating.

This is brain antifreeze.

Smart.

All right. Let's break down some film.

[ Cheering ]

Adam: America will start ironically

defending their own home turf against Team Vietnam.

Reaper behind us.

I wouldn't worry about him anymore.

A clutch head shot ends the attack.

America off to a hot start.

Cover me. I'm going after Tracer.

No, you're splitting focus. I need healing.

They're stacking ultimates.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

Adam: And down goes GorillaAnitaSmith.

Hold on, son.

But what's this?

StanLovesHam is bringing

GorillaAnitaSmith back to life.

Ward: Incredible focus!

Like when a friend gives you an Adderall

and you read about whales for three weeks straight!

Easter Sunday!

StanLovesHam is resurrecting GorillaAnitaSmith like a, uh,

Christ, I'm blanking here.

I've heard about fathers giving life to sons,

but this is ridiculous!

I love you, Ward.

It's over. America advances.

[ Cheering ]

[ Chanting "USA, USA!" ]

**

[ Groans ] What?

Oh, my God!

Dad, the finals are in 20 minutes. Dad?

Dick, when the match starts,

go to the head official and forfeit.

Jackson, you make sure this turns into a riot.

No problem. You're talking to the guy

who started the Kent State massacre.

Holy shit, Jackson! How old were you? Like 2?

Not that one, dumbass.

The one where they beat Hofstra 42-7

in the Capital Tire Bowl.

In the ensuing confusion, I'll assassinate the general.

[ Gasping ]

What? Oh, God.

The general is standing right behind me, isn't he?

Oh, phew.

It's just a betrayed kid.

Please tell me you're all wearing black

because you felt bloated,

and you wanted to appear slim for the finals.

Steve, I'm sorry.

This wasn't a father-son trip.

This was a work trip.

I'm so stupid.

It'd take a miracle for you to focus on me.

Well, before we fly home and never talk to each other

again, let's at least go win this tournament.

All: Uh...

What?

The general is standing right behind me, isn't he?

We're not playing in the finals

because the mission is during the match.

[ Laughs ] Oh, that's rich.

That is just so fricking rich.

That was my travel lamp.

I expected this out of him.

But you guys? You could have won this.

You could have been champions.

Or does that not interest you

because you're all such huge winners?

Dick, you're a winner. Tell me what you've won.

I won smallest penis at my Divorced Men's Retreat.

That's what I thought.

You're a bunch of losers. You're a loser.

You're a loser. You're a loser.

You won a very bad prize.

You're a loser. And I'm the biggest loser

for ever believing in any of you!

[ Door slams ]

That was harsh.

Maybe Coach Steve has a point.

I mean, maybe we could win this thing.

What about the mission?

All right. Here's the play.

We win the finals and complete the mission.

Isn't that what Coach Steve would call splitting focus?

Uh, no.

Adam: Team USA is getting killed.

I haven't seen a slaughter like this since

the bison were hunted to near extinction

on the Great Plains of America.

Stan, where are you? I need healing.

Uh, I'm busy.

Uh-oh, I've seen this before.

Classic split focus.

[ Gasping, screaming ]

Welp, here come the nukes.

[ Beep ] Attention, all employees,

I have announcement.

In 5 minutes, you will be skeletons.

[ Gasps ]

You can't pick me up from the airport

because you're stuck in a banister?

Yeah, no, ask Klaus.

For coach. Dad?

Runner up?

So you did play in the finals?

We got destroyed.

Dick accidentally pushed a weird button,

and we got stuck in the options menu.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Work call. Got to take this.

Smith, you idiot! You blew the mission!

At least I'm not blowing my relationship with my son.

You blew everyone's relationship

with everyone's son.

General Kim launched a nuclear attack,

and we're retaliating.

Mutually assured destruction!

Mutually assured destruction?

Wasn't that supposed to prevent nuclear war?

No! That was you with the video game!

Dad?

[ Siren wailing ] Dad, look.

The nuclear war is right behind me, isn't it?

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Panting ]

[ Both gasp ]

Well, you held up your end, Klaus.

Let me open those Teddy Grahams.

[ Panting ]

Did you hear about the nukes?

Tuttle, if you think we're about

to fall for one of your demented pranks...

[ Beep ]

Memphis Stormfront: Here's your 5-day forecast.

We're looking at heavy dust blocking out the sun

and temperatures hovering around negative-200.

Brrr.

What are we gonna do?!

Absolutely nothing until I apologize to Tuttle.

Tuttle...

[ Explosion ]

[ Explosion ]

The world will end in nuclear destruction,

and it's all my fault.

What a klutz.

Well, this is it, huh?

Yep.

So, um, I'm thinking about trying MeUndies.

[ Rumbling ]

**

**

[ Eagle screeches ]

* Oh, yeah

* Kick-start my heart again

**

**

**

What the hell is it?

Ew!

So tasty.

Thomas, you can't just lick everything that

we find in space.

Your wife doesn't seem to mind.

[ Laughs ]

We must tell the captain.

Mmm! Mama mia.

It's trajectory and carbon dating

put its source at a planet in the Milky Way Galaxy.

And its taste is out of this world.

Aah!

Open a hailing frequency to their planet at once.

I can't.

They had an extinction event

long before our species existed.

Oh, dear.

This artifact was surely an attempt

to preserve their culture.

Hm.

Can you produce more of this delicious dessert?

Yes, but the only way to recreate it

is to recreate the planet and wait.

[ Beeping ]

**

**

[ Printing ]

[ Circus music playing ]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Hm, might be work.

You can't take work calls on father-son day.

Steve, you're forgetting that work is my other son.

Be a father to your job.

[ Laughs ] That's -- That's not an expression.

You're -- you're joking with -- with me?

Yeah. It's our day.

I'm focusing on you.

This feels strange.

Bill Nye: All great scientific theories

have their "eureka" moment.

Like Einstein seeing the clock tower

from a moving street car gave him "E equals MC squared",

which I think we can all agree is a pretty cool one.

Hey!

Stan's unexpected hug on a kiddie coaster gave birth

to Steve's theory that we are living in a synthesized reality.

He spent the rest of his life

trying to prove his simulation theory,

or "ice creamulation" theory,

as it was called by his detractors,

of which I am the primary one.

[ Munches, slurps ]

Mmm!

Science is bananas.

So you see, as we approach the speed of light,

time slows down, the universe expands around us to the point

where almost nothing makes sense.

Uh, professor? Does this theory of yours

have anything to say about banisters?

Have a great night!