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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,371
[ Circus music playing ]
2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,839
I can't believe you like this.
3
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:08,342
Kiddie Wonderland is pretty lame
for a ninth grader.
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,577
Yeah.
5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,512
I was 5 when I asked you
to take me,
6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,414
and you've been
putting it off ever since.
7
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:14,982
Still. Pretty lame.
8
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,217
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
9
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,651
Hmm.
Might be work.
10
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:20,088
You can't take work calls
on father-son day.
11
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,856
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.
12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:25,593
Be a father to your job.
That's an expression.
13
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,329
Yello?
In the flesh.
14
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,030
Ex-squeeze me?
15
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,199
Be right there.
16
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,766
[ Cellphone beeps ]
17
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:36,036
I thought you were
focusing on me today?
18
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,037
No.
19
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,407
"Paw Patrol," my man!
20
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,879
* Good morning, U.S.A.
21
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:49,717
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *
22
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,853
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
23
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:57,258
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
24
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:02,530
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
25
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,965
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.
26
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,066
Aah!
27
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,704
* Good morning, U.S.A.
28
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,206
Jeff: Babe?
29
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,142
Babe!
30
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,644
Now, what is
all this commotion?
31
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:17,978
My head's stuck.
32
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,614
Jeff, on the day of my big
cat adoption,
33
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,616
you get your head
stuck in the banister?
34
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,552
You're not the only one
with plans.
35
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,155
I have a huge
prostate exam today.
36
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,456
You do?
37
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,291
Yeah, I've been
cramming all week!
38
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:31,625
[ Grunting ]
39
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,628
This. This is why humans
need whiskers.
40
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,598
Whiskers give cats
crazy spatial deets.
41
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,732
Cats are like,
42
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,835
"Will my head fit?"
43
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:42,836
Oh, no.
44
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,138
Mom!
45
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:47,141
Now, what is
all this commotion?
46
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,810
I'm prepping for my big
job interview.
47
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,480
Look what you made me do!
48
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:54,748
Hey!
Banister party.
49
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,484
Why are we
doing this?
50
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,352
Klaus, you got to get us
out of here.
51
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,120
We all have big plans today.
52
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:03,191
Hmm, do you now?
53
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,993
I have big plans myself.
54
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,662
I plan on watching you helpless
losers struggle
55
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,499
while I enjoy
these Teddy Grahams.
56
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,634
[ Groaning ]
57
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,170
But lucky for you,
gracious Klaus
58
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:18,939
is always ready
to strike a deal.
59
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,309
You open these grahams,
and I...
60
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,376
Get us out.
Deal.
61
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:23,977
I can't open
Tupperware.
62
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,280
How can I free you
from a banister?
63
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:31,319
But I do have a telescoping
driving cane and a Saturn,
64
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,521
so I'll bring
your plans to you.
65
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:34,888
Later, skaters!
66
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:44,131
So what, I'm supposed to sit
at your desk all day?
67
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,799
You're in
an office, dude.
68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,669
The world is your
oyster.
69
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,639
Hey, could you fire off a couple
e-mails, make me look busy?
70
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,040
Okay.
71
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,142
We have orders to eliminate
the head
72
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,745
of North Korea's
nuclear program.
73
00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,713
This is General Kim.
74
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,416
His anti-Western sentiments
run deep.
75
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:05,553
Every year, our target attends
an international
76
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,356
video game tournament
in Hong Kong.
77
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,225
He is a massive e-sports fan.
78
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,026
The only time he leaves
the security
79
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,864
of his underground bunker
is to attend the final match.
80
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:20,000
That's kind of a poser move,
just showing up for the finals.
81
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,002
He's a total poser!
82
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,405
That's the main reason
we're killing him!
83
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,908
Plus he wants to nuke us
all to kingdom come.
84
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,844
That's why you're
all going undercover.
85
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,180
As what?
His five gay dads?
86
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,716
As teenage gamers.
87
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,519
You'll fly to China,
as teenagers do.
88
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,887
Then you'll attend
the tournament's
89
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,022
opening ice cream social.
90
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,024
Oh, wow!
Chinese ice cream?
91
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,527
-Oh, yeah!
-I like this.
92
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,863
I'll allow this murmuring
because Chinese ice cream
93
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,733
is unsurpassed
in the world of desserts.
94
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,303
The next step will be
to qualify for the finals.
95
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:58,272
That's when Smith
will eliminate General Kim.
96
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,907
But none of us
play video games.
97
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,141
You do now!
98
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,944
This is the game --
"Overwatch."
99
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,946
This is a vape pen.
100
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:10,150
This is a shitload
of mango vape juice.
101
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:14,187
Master these things,
or the world will end.
102
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,325
My main man, Steve-o.
103
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,328
The boys and I need some help,
and you're just the guy.
104
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,095
Pound it.
105
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,598
I was so bored I slipped
into a meditative state
106
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,166
and had a breakthrough.
107
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,101
I realized your inability
to be present with me
108
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,404
created a nasty cycle
that explains
109
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:32,740
my anxiety,
compulsions, guilt.
110
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,908
Virgin, bad at sports,
bad style.
111
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,410
Yes, okay, yes.
112
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,413
But a weight has lifted,
and I'm starting fresh.
113
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,816
You live your life.
I'll live mine.
114
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,017
Want to play video games
with me?
115
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,953
More than
anything, Dad!
116
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:51,959
[ Chuckles ]
Cats are cute as hell.
117
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,627
If I can have you fill out
an application.
118
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,963
For a cat?
I know what I'm doing, girl.
119
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,331
I got damn near 50.
120
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,799
50 cats?
121
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,634
At first, I thought
they were Pokémon,
122
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,636
so I captured every one
I could find,
123
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:05,172
but when I forced them
into battle, I was arrested.
124
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,840
In prison, I did nothing
but miss
125
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,209
what I now
realize were cats.
126
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,210
All aboard!
127
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,311
[ Cats yowling ]
128
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,619
Good counterattack, Dick.
129
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,388
Nice positioning, Hooper.
130
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,855
Dad, heal our tanks!
131
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,223
What the who now?
132
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,558
You don't know the words
"heal" or "tanks"?
133
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:25,859
I know tanks.
134
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,728
You see me rock tanks
all summer long.
135
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,763
Bullock:
Smith, my office!
136
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,466
I'm worried.
137
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,968
The mission requires
elite skills,
138
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,304
and you guys are being powned
by every Torb,
139
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,673
Doom, and Hammond
this side of the server.
140
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:42,410
Are those
Puerto Rican slurs?
141
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,512
They're characters
in the game!
142
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,680
At this rate,
North Korea will teabag
143
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,248
the entire
western hemisphere.
144
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,583
What do you suggest?
145
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:52,085
Steve's carrying
your whole team.
146
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,921
He's like LeBron James,
147
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,391
the actor who single handedly
saved the movie "Trainwreck."
148
00:05:57,425 --> 00:06:01,061
Make Steve a player/coach
and bring him to China.
149
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,362
I-I can't do that.
150
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,764
He thinks this is
father-son time,
151
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:04,998
and he'll freak out
if he finds out
152
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,266
it's actually work again.
153
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,701
Don't tell him.
154
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,336
Keep him in the dark.
155
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,739
Unless you're afraid
of the dark.
156
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:15,108
Actually I'm afraid of
the light because under it,
157
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,344
all of my flaws
become visible.
158
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,846
Interesting.
159
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,414
I'm afraid of a woman
160
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,550
named Nancy that lives
on my street.
161
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:25,719
She has a baby carriage
full of books,
162
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:28,889
and I can't
figure out why!
163
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:36,864
Get that shield up,
Jackson!
164
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,265
Hold on.
165
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,767
If we're going to pass
as teenage gamers,
166
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,635
I got to learn
how to vape.
167
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,572
[ Inhales ]
168
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,040
Do I look cool?
Hey, guys.
169
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,910
Let's start up again in
10 to discuss counterattacks.
170
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,645
Steve, what
am I doing wrong?
171
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,246
You're splitting focus.
172
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,415
Your character
is a powerful healer,
173
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,050
but you're trying
to make her a warrior.
174
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,786
It's like when you're
hanging out with me,
175
00:06:58,819 --> 00:06:59,987
but your mind's on work.
176
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,756
That's being
a not so nice papa.
177
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,157
But look at you now.
178
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,126
You're totally
focusing on me,
179
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,829
blowing off work
and taking me to China.
180
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,764
Yes, that's totally
what this is.
181
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,099
Which is great.
182
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:16,604
So take that focus, huh,
and put it in there.
183
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,838
Ah.
184
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,972
Jackson:
Check it out, boys.
185
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,407
I think I finally got
the hang
186
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,242
of this whole
vaping thing.
187
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,977
[ Inhales ]
188
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,816
[ Inhales ]
189
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,917
[ Swallows ]
190
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,451
[ Farts ]
191
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:32,920
[ Ding! ]
192
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,989
[ Applause, laughter ]
193
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,363
Good evening, my dude.
194
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,032
I hope we're at
the ice cream social
195
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:48,468
'cause we finna
to get our scoop on.
196
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,303
Dab, guys, dab.
197
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,275
[ Indistinct chatter ]
198
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,044
Look at
all the toppings.
199
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,547
Whoa! There's a guy
by the waffle cones
200
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,348
who looks just like
Allen Iverson.
201
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,217
That's because I am
Allen Iverson.
202
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,819
Why am I here?
203
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,320
If I'm being honest,
it's because the best
204
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,657
pound for pound
scorer in basketball history
205
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,224
deserves the best pound
for pound ice cream
206
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,293
on planet Earth.
207
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,427
[ Ding! ]
208
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,666
[ Straining ]
209
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:22,402
Well, it's official.
That's a butt hole.
210
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,004
O -- okay.
211
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,307
Uh, Francine, where do you
see yourself in five years?
212
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,643
Out of this banister.
I can tell you that much.
213
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:30,911
Dang, Franny!
214
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,013
You're crushing
this interview.
215
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,247
[ Knock on door ]
216
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,750
I'm gonna need more cats.
217
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,652
Welcome to China!
218
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:42,189
Home of one big wall,
billions of regular sized walls,
219
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,593
and this year's
"Overwatch" Invitational.
220
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,260
We are underway.
221
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,697
The Americans come out
with three tank heroes,
222
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:53,100
sacrificing
speed for armor.
223
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:57,537
They must be drawing inspiration
from the American Bison,
224
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,772
their bulkiest
indigenous mammal.
225
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,107
Watch out!
226
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,210
Here comes a flank
from Team Canada!
227
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,344
It's an ambush.
228
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,512
Stan, I need healing.
229
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,780
I'm following Hooper.
230
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,649
I thought
I was following you!
231
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:14,387
Adam: The entire US team
just walked off a cliff.
232
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:18,291
Perhaps a new strategy
we haven't seen?
233
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,793
Ward: Nope.
Just really bad.
234
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:21,795
I think their strategy
was to be good,
235
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,964
but they didn't
execute.
236
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,034
What you want an autograph
or something, kid?
237
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,070
Yeah. You can sign it
on my dick.
238
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,371
All: Dr. Weitzman?
239
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:34,608
What up?!
It's me, Dr. Dubbs!
240
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,143
I'm on a mission, too.
241
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,411
After the ice cream social,
I followed a group
242
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,381
of young Korean boys
to their hotel room...
243
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,717
Uh...
244
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,418
...where I extracted
their stem cells.
245
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,887
I modified the DNA
to give you all
246
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,288
super-human
reaction time.
247
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,259
Okay, men.
It's double elimination.
248
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,894
We can still
reach the finals.
249
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,963
Dad, why is there a syringe
in your brain?
250
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,398
Uh -- uh,
I was getting brain freeze
251
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,133
from all the ice cream
we've been eating.
252
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,502
This is
brain antifreeze.
253
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,641
Smart.
254
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,343
All right.
Let's break down some film.
255
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,578
[ Cheering ]
256
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,246
Adam: America will
start ironically
257
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,784
defending their own home turf
against Team Vietnam.
258
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,351
Reaper behind us.
259
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,522
I wouldn't worry
about him anymore.
260
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,992
A clutch head shot
ends the attack.
261
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,328
America off
to a hot start.
262
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,163
Cover me.
I'm going after Tracer.
263
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,632
No, you're splitting focus.
I need healing.
264
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,467
They're stacking
ultimates.
265
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,538
I'm dead.
266
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,442
I'm dead.
267
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,812
Adam: And down
goes GorillaAnitaSmith.
268
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,346
Hold on, son.
269
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,614
But what's this?
270
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,149
StanLovesHam is bringing
271
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,318
GorillaAnitaSmith
back to life.
272
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,453
Ward:
Incredible focus!
273
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,122
Like when a friend
gives you an Adderall
274
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,457
and you read about whales
for three weeks straight!
275
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,793
Easter Sunday!
276
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:04,131
StanLovesHam is resurrecting
GorillaAnitaSmith like a, uh,
277
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,999
Christ, I'm blanking here.
278
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,635
I've heard about fathers
giving life to sons,
279
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,871
but this is
ridiculous!
280
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,740
I love you, Ward.
281
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,843
It's over.
America advances.
282
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:20,347
[ Cheering ]
283
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:25,318
[ Chanting "USA, USA!" ]
284
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:29,189
**
285
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,328
[ Groans ] What?
286
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,730
Oh, my God!
287
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:40,100
Dad, the finals
are in 20 minutes. Dad?
288
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,434
Dick, when
the match starts,
289
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,003
go to the head official
and forfeit.
290
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,205
Jackson, you make sure
this turns into a riot.
291
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,374
No problem.
You're talking to the guy
292
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,376
who started
the Kent State massacre.
293
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,012
Holy shit, Jackson!
How old were you? Like 2?
294
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,413
Not that one,
dumbass.
295
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,615
The one where
they beat Hofstra 42-7
296
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,384
in the Capital Tire Bowl.
297
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,853
In the ensuing confusion,
I'll assassinate the general.
298
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:00,888
[ Gasping ]
299
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,355
What? Oh, God.
300
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:05,625
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?
301
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,927
Oh, phew.
302
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,428
It's just a betrayed kid.
303
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,063
Please tell me you're
all wearing black
304
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,598
because you felt bloated,
305
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,733
and you wanted to appear slim
for the finals.
306
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,203
Steve, I'm sorry.
307
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,105
This wasn't
a father-son trip.
308
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,572
This was a work trip.
309
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,074
I'm so stupid.
310
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,476
It'd take a miracle for you
to focus on me.
311
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,579
Well, before we fly home
and never talk to each other
312
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:30,050
again, let's at least
go win this tournament.
313
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,485
All: Uh...
314
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,121
What?
315
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:35,823
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?
316
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,324
We're not playing
in the finals
317
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,559
because the mission
is during the match.
318
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,495
[ Laughs ]
Oh, that's rich.
319
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,598
That is just
so fricking rich.
320
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,635
That was
my travel lamp.
321
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,503
I expected
this out of him.
322
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,840
But you guys?
You could have won this.
323
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,407
You could have
been champions.
324
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,009
Or does that not
interest you
325
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:58,745
because you're all
such huge winners?
326
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,248
Dick, you're a winner.
Tell me what you've won.
327
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:05,785
I won smallest penis
at my Divorced Men's Retreat.
328
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,289
That's what I thought.
329
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:12,092
You're a bunch of losers.
You're a loser.
330
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,128
You're a loser.
You're a loser.
331
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,630
You won a very bad prize.
332
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,100
You're a loser.
And I'm the biggest loser
333
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,103
for ever believing
in any of you!
334
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,671
[ Door slams ]
335
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:25,873
That was harsh.
336
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,108
Maybe Coach Steve
has a point.
337
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,277
I mean, maybe we could
win this thing.
338
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,444
What about the mission?
339
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,280
All right.
Here's the play.
340
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,316
We win the finals
and complete the mission.
341
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,987
Isn't that what Coach Steve
would call splitting focus?
342
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,222
Uh, no.
343
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,192
Adam:
Team USA is getting killed.
344
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,627
I haven't seen a slaughter
like this since
345
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,130
the bison were hunted
to near extinction
346
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,000
on the Great Plains
of America.
347
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,968
Stan, where are you?
I need healing.
348
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,669
Uh, I'm busy.
349
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,239
Uh-oh,
I've seen this before.
350
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,841
Classic split focus.
351
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,183
[ Gasping, screaming ]
352
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,585
Welp, here come the nukes.
353
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,888
[ Beep ]
Attention, all employees,
354
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,656
I have announcement.
355
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,192
In 5 minutes,
you will be skeletons.
356
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,260
[ Gasps ]
357
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,897
You can't pick me up
from the airport
358
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,499
because you're stuck
in a banister?
359
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,235
Yeah, no, ask Klaus.
360
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,870
For coach.
Dad?
361
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,239
Runner up?
362
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,041
So you did play
in the finals?
363
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,442
We got destroyed.
364
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,244
Dick accidentally pushed
a weird button,
365
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,878
and we got stuck
in the options menu.
366
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,447
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
367
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,915
Work call.
Got to take this.
368
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:44,851
Smith, you idiot!
You blew the mission!
369
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,587
At least I'm not blowing
my relationship with my son.
370
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,422
You blew everyone's
relationship
371
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,091
with everyone's son.
372
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,593
General Kim launched
a nuclear attack,
373
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,462
and we're retaliating.
374
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,897
Mutually assured destruction!
375
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,100
Mutually assured
destruction?
376
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,935
Wasn't that supposed
to prevent nuclear war?
377
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:06,106
No! That was you
with the video game!
378
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,474
Dad?
379
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,142
[ Siren wailing ]
Dad, look.
380
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,612
The nuclear war is right
behind me, isn't it?
381
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,457
[ Siren wailing ]
382
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,596
[ Whirring ]
383
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,334
[ Panting ]
384
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,203
[ Both gasp ]
385
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,906
Well, you held up
your end, Klaus.
386
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,508
Let me open
those Teddy Grahams.
387
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:42,609
[ Panting ]
388
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,244
Did you hear
about the nukes?
389
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,778
Tuttle, if you think
we're about
390
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,080
to fall for one of
your demented pranks...
391
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,748
[ Beep ]
392
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,084
Memphis Stormfront:
Here's your 5-day forecast.
393
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,752
We're looking at heavy dust
blocking out the sun
394
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,688
and temperatures
hovering around negative-200.
395
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:56,823
Brrr.
396
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,325
What are we
gonna do?!
397
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:03,330
Absolutely nothing until
I apologize to Tuttle.
398
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,497
Tuttle...
399
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,966
[ Explosion ]
400
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,373
[ Explosion ]
401
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,549
The world will end
in nuclear destruction,
402
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,950
and it's all my fault.
403
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,985
What a klutz.
404
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,488
Well, this is it, huh?
405
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,757
Yep.
406
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:36,729
So, um, I'm thinking
about trying MeUndies.
407
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,203
[ Rumbling ]
408
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:52,112
**
409
00:16:53,913 --> 00:17:00,920
**
410
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,823
[ Eagle screeches ]
411
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,559
* Oh, yeah
412
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,228
* Kick-start my heart again
413
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:17,770
**
414
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:27,980
**
415
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:38,225
**
416
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:01,448
What the hell is it?
417
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,815
Ew!
418
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,451
So tasty.
419
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,454
Thomas, you can't just lick
everything that
420
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,289
we find in space.
421
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,924
Your wife doesn't
seem to mind.
422
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,693
[ Laughs ]
423
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,664
We must
tell the captain.
424
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,635
Mmm! Mama mia.
425
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,272
It's trajectory
and carbon dating
426
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:29,309
put its source at a planet
in the Milky Way Galaxy.
427
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:34,681
And its taste
is out of this world.
428
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,216
Aah!
429
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,821
Open a hailing frequency
to their planet at once.
430
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,656
I can't.
431
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,958
They had
an extinction event
432
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,295
long before
our species existed.
433
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,062
Oh, dear.
434
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,201
This artifact was surely
an attempt
435
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,802
to preserve
their culture.
436
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,370
Hm.
437
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,773
Can you produce more of
this delicious dessert?
438
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,810
Yes, but the only way
to recreate it
439
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:07,113
is to recreate
the planet and wait.
440
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,849
[ Beeping ]
441
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:16,889
**
442
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:25,332
**
443
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:31,671
[ Printing ]
444
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,210
[ Circus music playing ]
445
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,245
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
446
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,712
Hm, might be work.
447
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,814
You can't take work calls
on father-son day.
448
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,551
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.
449
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,486
Be a father
to your job.
450
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,589
[ Laughs ] That's --
That's not an expression.
451
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:53,393
You're -- you're joking
with -- with me?
452
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,994
Yeah.
It's our day.
453
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,163
I'm focusing on you.
454
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,765
This feels strange.
455
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,434
Bill Nye: All great
scientific theories
456
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,536
have their "eureka" moment.
457
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,572
Like Einstein seeing
the clock tower
458
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,908
from a moving street car
gave him "E equals MC squared",
459
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,244
which I think we can all agree
is a pretty cool one.
460
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,913
Hey!
461
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,183
Stan's unexpected hug
on a kiddie coaster gave birth
462
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,953
to Steve's theory that we are
living in a synthesized reality.
463
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,555
He spent the rest of his life
464
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,924
trying to prove
his simulation theory,
465
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,427
or "ice creamulation" theory,
466
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,596
as it was called
by his detractors,
467
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,064
of which I am
the primary one.
468
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,701
[ Munches, slurps ]
469
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,802
Mmm!
470
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,505
Science is bananas.
471
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,614
So you see, as we approach
the speed of light,
472
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:51,884
time slows down, the universe
expands around us to the point
473
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,453
where almost
nothing makes sense.
474
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,957
Uh, professor?
Does this theory of yours
475
00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:00,793
have anything to say
about banisters?
476
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,331
Have a great night!
32902
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