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- _
- Michael designs the new neighborhood.
2
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,049
The Bad Place gets to
choose the four new humans.
3
00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:06,213
The other residents
will be Janet Babies.
4
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:07,840
You know, if we pooled our resources,
5
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,301
we could be done in two
shakes of a lamb's Derek.
6
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,339
Thanks, Derek.
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00:00:11,340 --> 00:00:12,519
When you fail, the four humans
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00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:14,009
will be tortured for all eternity.
9
00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:16,224
But guess who's going to
be doing the torturing?
10
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,600
We built a Michael suit.
11
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,889
I can't do it. It's too scary.
12
00:00:19,890 --> 00:00:21,929
Hi, John, I'm the architect.
13
00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:23,099
Come on in.
14
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,441
The Bad Place didn't
pick the worst people.
15
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:28,589
They picked the people who
would be the worst for us.
16
00:00:28,590 --> 00:00:31,689
You need to erase my
memory and reboot me.
17
00:00:31,690 --> 00:00:33,239
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.
18
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,730
Come on in.
19
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,159
Wow! Just... wow!
20
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,279
It's perfect.
Everything is just perfect.
21
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,669
I am so, so happy.
22
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:46,959
I'm glad you like it.
23
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,669
It's so quaint... it feels cozy,
24
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:52,159
but also vibrant and limitless.
25
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,699
I can't believe how...
how utterly, completely,
26
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:56,739
100% perfect everything is...
27
00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:57,799
You know, let's keep this moving.
28
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:58,800
Oh, yeah, sure.
29
00:00:58,801 --> 00:01:01,689
Here is your new home,
30
00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:03,339
complete with two of
your favorite things:
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00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:04,959
floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
32
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,232
Reading lights! I love reading lights.
33
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,359
They are great for reading.
34
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,196
And, oh, check this out.
Um, hold out your hand.
35
00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:13,610
And think about a book.
36
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Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
37
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,879
I can summon philosophy
books like Thor's hammer.
38
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,599
This is literally my number one dream.
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Also... ow!
40
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That hurt.
41
00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:28,713
Well, I have a lot to attend to. Um...
42
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,673
welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.
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00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,919
Thank you so much.
Ah... and I'm... I'm sorry.
44
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,050
This has been so overwhelming,
I-I forgot your name.
45
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- Eleanor.
- Eleanor, right.
46
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Sorry. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.
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Well, you might!
48
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,199
Okay, can we not...
49
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,039
Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing
50
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and I am embracing you and
I shall not let you go.
51
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,999
And I'm also embracing you
52
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,871
because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.
53
00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:02,919
Guys, I'm good. Honestly.
54
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:04,919
Wasn't even as bad as I thought.
55
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,085
I mean, who cares if he
doesn't remember my name?
56
00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:10,129
Oof... I mean, cool.
57
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,999
Good save, bud.
58
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,499
Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,
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00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,595
who gets here in... six minutes.
60
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,597
Wait. I need to say something.
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00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,979
I know this seems bleak and it
feels like we're all doomed
62
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:25,639
and therefore humanity is doomed.
63
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,059
You needed to say that?
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00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:30,650
The point is, I believe that
we're destined to succeed.
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00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,249
There is nothing that the
Bad Place can throw at us
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00:02:33,250 --> 00:02:36,114
that we can't handle,
because we are an incredible,
67
00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:38,282
inspiring, brilliant group of...
68
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,319
Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs.
69
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,799
I mean, look at you.
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00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,159
I am so proud
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00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,249
of how disgusting and cruel you all are.
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00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,940
You suck.
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00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:53,965
You all suck donkey butts.
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00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:58,009
Tahani... so, so smart,
and sophisticated.
75
00:02:58,010 --> 00:02:59,149
She was the only one who was able
76
00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:00,719
to talk me out of that goatee.
77
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,679
Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,
78
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,726
and I'll be damned if
I lose it with you.
79
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,103
Bambadjan... such an
unbelievable dingus.
80
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,229
And Val.
81
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,314
Who's a bigger skidmark than Val?
82
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,566
Maybe your mom.
83
00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:15,319
Classic.
84
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,654
We have Janet,
85
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,407
who can do literally anything.
86
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:22,999
She made all the other
people in the neighborhood.
87
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,689
- Not people.
- We have me,
88
00:03:24,690 --> 00:03:28,199
who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now.
89
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,200
And that was awhile ago.
90
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,790
Most of you don't even
remember it, probably.
91
00:03:32,860 --> 00:03:36,300
We have Jason, who can...
92
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:41,349
And marching us into battle,
93
00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:45,516
our fearless leader,
the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,
94
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,389
Eleanor Shellstrop!
95
00:03:47,390 --> 00:03:48,399
- Yay, Eleanor!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
96
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,179
Technically, the pride of Phoenix
97
00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:52,379
is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper
98
00:03:52,380 --> 00:03:53,789
made from cigarette butts.
99
00:03:53,790 --> 00:03:55,399
It's outside City Hall.
100
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,629
But thank you for the kind words.
101
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:59,169
With this team,
102
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:01,532
there's no problem we can't solve.
103
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,701
There is no problem we can't create.
104
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:07,455
And believe me, we are gonna
create some a-problems.
105
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,739
So let's kick things off with
our official Bad Place song.
106
00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:14,045
♪ 1-877-KARS for Kids ♪
107
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:17,507
♪ K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids ♪
108
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,968
- Ooh, are we singing?
- Shut up, Glenn.
109
00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:24,920
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
110
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:26,249
_
111
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,809
I think you look great.
112
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,477
Professional, serious.
113
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:30,969
A proper team leader.
114
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,479
It does make me feel authoritative,
115
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,659
like that chick from "Law and Order."
116
00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:36,069
Well, boys,
117
00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:40,155
looks like we got ourselves an SVU.
118
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,490
I've never seen the show.
119
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,827
Okay, who we got next?
120
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,039
Linda? Come on in.
121
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,249
So you, Linda Johannsen,
122
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:55,159
are in the Good Place.
123
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,923
That's nice.
124
00:04:57,940 --> 00:05:00,499
I know this can be a
little overwhelming,
125
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,760
but you'll get used to it.
126
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,260
Do you have any questions?
127
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,549
Is there a fitness center?
128
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,799
There can be,
129
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,799
plus literally anything else
130
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,770
you could possibly wish for.
131
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,809
Just in case we weren't clear,
132
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,739
this is the Good Place.
133
00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:18,819
A state of eternal happiness.
134
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,189
Paradise.
135
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,160
That's nice.
136
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,650
I like that.
137
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:30,389
So the Bad Place sent
Simone to mess with Chidi,
138
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,669
John to mess with Tahani...
do you think they sent Linda
139
00:05:32,670 --> 00:05:34,889
to mess with Jason? She's from Norway...
140
00:05:34,890 --> 00:05:37,503
is Norway, like,
the opposite of Florida?
141
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,089
All I know is she's boring.
142
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:42,899
She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.
143
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,721
Disco Janet was around
for awhile, years ago.
144
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:47,099
She was great.
145
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,682
I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
146
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,299
Actually, that's a good idea.
147
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,728
Let's unload this dead weight. Janet?
148
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:56,148
- Hi, there.
- Linda, this is Janet.
149
00:05:56,149 --> 00:05:58,139
If you want anything at all,
150
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,650
Janet can bring it to you. Watch.
151
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,679
Janet, can I have a baby elephant
152
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,019
made of pure light
153
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:06,819
that tells you true secrets
about the universe?
154
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:09,699
Shirley Temple killed JFK.
155
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,660
See? Anything you want from Janet?
156
00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:15,875
Can I have... a peppermint?
157
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,599
Sure.
158
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:21,779
I'm gonna go over there now.
159
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,000
Stonehenge was a sex thing.
160
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:34,799
Brent? Come on in.
161
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:39,649
So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
162
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:42,399
Really? Well, that blows.
163
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,194
Ah, you know what, maybe
it's a good thing, actually.
164
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,459
Some journalist was poking around,
165
00:06:45,460 --> 00:06:47,169
calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.
166
00:06:47,170 --> 00:06:48,619
You can't even make a joke these days!
167
00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:50,034
Everything is so PC.
168
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:51,994
And I was an equal-opportunity
offender, okay?
169
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:54,747
I made jokes about
everybody, and by the way,
170
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,169
I'm the furthest thing from racist.
171
00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:58,339
My dentist was a black woman.
172
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,503
I just think people need to loosen up.
173
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:02,330
So, where am I, exactly?
174
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:06,779
- The Good Place.
- Oh, cool.
175
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:08,169
Good.
176
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,379
So, Brent, I see from your file
177
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:12,299
you were in the materials business.
178
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,029
Oh, yeah, big time.
179
00:07:14,030 --> 00:07:17,560
Strings, chords, vinyl,
synthetics, rubber...
180
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,640
we do vulcanized now, so that's huge.
181
00:07:19,650 --> 00:07:22,733
Plus metals... aluminum,
brass, copper... what else...
182
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,799
- Steel?
- No, not steel.
183
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,278
Steel's a sucker's game.
184
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,939
Polymers, coatings, internals...
185
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,739
you crack open an HVAC?
186
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,439
That is all us.
187
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:33,202
Is there golf here?
There freaking better be.
188
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,149
Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit
189
00:07:36,150 --> 00:07:38,519
while I go far away and
if you need anything,
190
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,710
you can always ask Janet. Janet?
191
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:41,961
Hi, there. How can I help you?
192
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,879
Oh, a secretary. Great.
193
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,459
- Not a secretary.
- Fine, fine.
194
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,989
Executive assistant.
195
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:49,429
Here we go with all the terms
we gotta learn, right?
196
00:07:49,430 --> 00:07:52,589
Vice-president of helping.
Captain Marvel.
197
00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:53,640
You know what I'm saying.
198
00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:55,307
Oh, I'm not part of this.
199
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,393
Let me show you around.
200
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,239
Well, Linda must be here for Jason
201
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,233
because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.
202
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,275
Everyone, you may remember
Matt from accounting.
203
00:08:07,276 --> 00:08:09,780
The Judge has assigned
him to our project.
204
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,741
So I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.
205
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,449
A modified point system will
be applied to their actions
206
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,328
for the next year, and then
we'll know how much better
207
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,538
or worse their behavior is
208
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:18,914
than when they were alive.
209
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,583
But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.
210
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,420
Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom.
211
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,135
Okay, forget about all that stuff.
212
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,479
For this first week, all we
need to do is figure out
213
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,470
what the fork is up with these benches.
214
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,642
So, I made this.
215
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,809
We start 'em out on this side,
216
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:43,119
because we're like, "What's her deal?"
217
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,039
And when we feel we have a
handle on who they are,
218
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,219
what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...
219
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:50,609
party time.
220
00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:53,400
We already know a lot
about Simone... so...
221
00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:55,910
boom, see?
222
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,328
One down, three to go.
223
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:58,788
Let's go figure out the others.
224
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,664
We can do this. On three.
225
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,409
Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose.
226
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,619
Ah, sorry.
227
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:07,338
Old Bad Place rally cry.
228
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,739
Aww, aww.
229
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:12,239
Janet! He's walking around again.
230
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,349
Yeah, I see that. Derek,
what are you doing here?
231
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:16,749
You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
232
00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:18,079
I can't help it.
233
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,309
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.
234
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,879
I mean, will you look at all these
235
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,814
beautiful babies that we made?
236
00:09:23,815 --> 00:09:26,999
She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.
237
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,652
Probably just, like, made all the butts.
238
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,639
I did make all the butts.
I made that butt...
239
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:32,650
- I made that butt...
- Right.
240
00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:34,657
I made both those butts.
241
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,739
Derek, you have to
stay at Mindy's house.
242
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,452
What if one of our new
humans sees you and starts
243
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:41,009
asking questions about
the weirdo in the tux?
244
00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:43,299
Say no more, but before I leave,
245
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,499
can I have a hug
246
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:47,378
in celebration of
everything that we created?
247
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,255
- Okay.
- Aww.
248
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:53,669
That feels so... Derek.
249
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:54,927
Oh.
250
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,339
You are all, simply put, good people.
251
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,979
The point of the video is
to make them all confront
252
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:03,019
what kind of people they were on earth.
253
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,063
Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
254
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,599
Try to gauge their reactions, you know?
255
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:13,099
The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches.
256
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,198
What about shaking someone by the head?
257
00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:16,859
What does that mean?
258
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,201
Oh, boy.
259
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,496
Hey, Simone, everything okay?
260
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,149
Yeah, well, no... well,
actually, it doesn't matter.
261
00:10:26,150 --> 00:10:27,501
None of this is real.
262
00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:28,749
Sorry?
263
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:31,439
I'm a neuroscientist, so I
get what's going on here.
264
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,159
You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,
265
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,059
I'm on my deathbed,
and this entire thing
266
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,380
is just a hallucination
constructed by my damaged brain
267
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,709
as it slowly shuts down.
268
00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:40,719
It's not real,
269
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,935
so I'm just gonna wander
around until I wake up or die.
270
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,229
See you later, figments
of my imagination!
271
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:52,139
She's just gonna go get some popcorn
272
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:54,849
from the... river.
273
00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:56,149
There's a popcorn river.
274
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,740
I'll show you guys later.
275
00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:00,409
Uh, she said keep going without
her, so let's roll it.
276
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,019
Janet, make a popcorn river.
277
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:04,779
Everyone else, meet at
Mindy's in ten minutes.
278
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:08,439
Well... we're off to a fantastic start.
279
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,399
I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex
280
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,789
that if I lose concentration for
even one billionth of a second,
281
00:11:14,790 --> 00:11:16,579
the entire neighborhood
could collapse in on itself
282
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:17,594
like a dying star.
283
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,180
Also, Brent wants a BLT.
284
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,432
Simone's reaction is fairly common.
285
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:24,899
When I worked in the Bad Place,
286
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,619
some people just wouldn't believe it
287
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:27,937
when they heard they were dead.
288
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,059
How did you convince them?
289
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,099
They'd usually come around
290
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,359
by the third or fourth
day of mouth fleas.
291
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,610
Obviously not an option here.
292
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,639
But, if Simone doesn't
think this is real,
293
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,781
she definitely won't
become a better person.
294
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,529
Who can convince her that this
actually is the afterlife?
295
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:44,219
We need someone authoritative
and reassuring,
296
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:47,119
like... Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart
297
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,419
or really any of my old
racquetball partners would do.
298
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:50,899
Oh, I know who it should be.
299
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:51,979
If you say Blake Bortles,
300
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:54,171
- I'm gonna slap you a lot.
- Chidi!
301
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,923
I believe everything Chidi ever tells me
302
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,679
because of his brain
and how he looks like
303
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,130
one of those owls that
graduated from college.
304
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,299
Of course.
305
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,990
Time to activate our
ethical sleeper agent
306
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,800
and introduce him to Simone.
307
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,779
Eh, I don't know,
Simone isn't struggling
308
00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:09,019
with a philosophy problem.
309
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,147
She's just, you know,
like... being silly.
310
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,759
Let's just get her to the welcome party
311
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,229
and I'm sure she'll be fine.
312
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:16,979
Eleanor!
313
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,560
Look what my brain did!
314
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,490
It's not real and neither are you.
315
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,439
♪ I'm in a coma and
none of this is real ♪
316
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,784
Okay, I know this is bad
317
00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:27,219
and we need a new approach,
318
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:31,167
but... she is wearing the hell
out of those foam fingers.
319
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:37,519
Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
320
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,509
I know, I just came to
mix myself a Derek,
321
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,119
and then I'll be on my way.
322
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,099
Before you leave,
I want to call a truce.
323
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,339
- Hmm?
- Feel like you're trying
324
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:51,469
to get under my skin, but it's okay.
325
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,106
I've decided to rise above it.
326
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,019
Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.
327
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,789
Let me say in response...
328
00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:02,865
I will destroy you.
329
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:06,699
Janet is, and always will be,
330
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,369
my mommy-girlfriend.
331
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:13,000
You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.
332
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,609
Mmm...
333
00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:19,959
Okay, status report.
334
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,409
What have we learned about Linda?
335
00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:23,699
Little, I'm afraid...
I tried talking to her,
336
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,090
but it was the dullest
conversation I have ever had,
337
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,139
and this is coming from someone
who once split a Xanax
338
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,599
with Peter Sarsgaard.
339
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,160
Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
340
00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:33,228
We have enough to worry about.
How is Brent doing?
341
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,309
About the same, I'd say.
342
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,769
Princeton. Graduated in the
top half of the bottom half
343
00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:38,809
of my class.
344
00:13:38,810 --> 00:13:41,419
Rowing team, sailing
team, class president.
345
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,820
I hung out with all those guys.
346
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,949
Okay, and John, our
favorite gossip columnist?
347
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,979
Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face
348
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:49,409
with six vials of Juvederm.
349
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:52,079
I'm hoping that my corpse looks
like a waxed tile floor.
350
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,958
My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel.
351
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,479
Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop.
352
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,830
Trying to see who gets me.
353
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,479
Our biggest liability
right now is Simone.
354
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,800
Let's try to keep the three
of them away from her.
355
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,659
We can't wait any longer.
356
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:09,139
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.
357
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810
Why? I-I think she's doing great.
358
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,480
See, she's getting all the
cake-pushing out of her system.
359
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,939
I know it's painful to think
of the two of them...
360
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:23,979
connecting, but Chidi made
an incredible sacrifice.
361
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:27,616
He had his memories erased
so he could help people.
362
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,219
And if we don't let him help Simone,
363
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:31,549
it'll be all for nothing.
364
00:14:31,550 --> 00:14:33,789
Fine.
365
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:37,419
Stupid... ethical...
reasonable argument.
366
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:39,789
I wish you were a cake. Push you over.
367
00:14:39,790 --> 00:14:41,255
Are you still muttering?
368
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,382
No! I stopped.
369
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,803
Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon...
370
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,399
Wow.
371
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,266
Oh!
372
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,184
Hey, there, Simone.
373
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,659
Shoving people in the pool, huh?
374
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,519
Yeah, just testing the laws of physics
375
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,179
here in my nonsense brain jail.
376
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,190
Who's this?
377
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:03,009
Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.
378
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:06,099
He was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy,
379
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,866
so I figured he might be able to help...
380
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:10,739
Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar.
381
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:11,859
Where did you teach?
382
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,830
- St. John's University in Sydney.
- Of course!
383
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,245
I used to teach there.
384
00:15:16,246 --> 00:15:18,039
I must've seen his name
on the faculty list
385
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,159
and now my dying brain
386
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,479
is just leaking out random information.
387
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,599
Oh, the human mind is truly incredible!
388
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,760
♪ I want something else ♪
389
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,879
♪ To get me through this ♪
390
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,319
♪ Semi-charmed kind
of life, baby, baby ♪
391
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,010
Look, sorry, uh, what...
what's happening now?
392
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,979
When I was a kid,
my CD alarm clock broke
393
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,809
and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,
394
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:42,379
so now I'm singing it to
try and wake myself up.
395
00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:44,679
Okay, well, nice meeting you.
396
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,819
Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated
397
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,899
by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe.
398
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,949
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-do-do-doo ♪
399
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,073
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
400
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,369
Hey...
401
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,919
You know, it's bad enough
402
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,759
you guys have taken over my house
403
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,219
for a year and I've had to move
404
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,619
into the attic, but
now I have to walk in
405
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,279
to find Darth Vader's turd
406
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,790
in the middle of my living room.
407
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,131
I mean, what is this?
408
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,149
No time to explain.
Also, I kind of forgot.
409
00:16:09,150 --> 00:16:11,339
Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him.
410
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,899
Yeah, I used to do
this whenever I needed
411
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,180
some alone time.
412
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,719
Once, I rebooted him
413
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,890
just because he was
breathing super loud.
414
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,659
Then, when he woke up, he was
like, "I don't breathe."
415
00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:22,979
So I don't know what I heard.
416
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:25,859
Well, I'm doing this because he's
trying to steal my girlfriend.
417
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:27,799
Yeah, you don't need to justify it.
418
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,822
Again, I do it all the time.
419
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,033
No, no, no, Mindy,
please wait, don't kill me!
420
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:35,619
Oh... it's you?
421
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,289
Okay, well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to...
422
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:46,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
423
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:51,259
Yeah!
424
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,554
Oh, it's always good.
425
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,348
- ♪ Doo-do-do-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
- You know what, Simone?
426
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:58,479
Think of it this way. If this
is really all a hallucination,
427
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,561
doesn't it seem kind of basic?
428
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,854
I mean, surely, your brain
would imagine something
429
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,315
weirder than just a nice cocktail party?
430
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:06,650
Oh, you mean like that?
431
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,236
Attention, I have been Dereked.
432
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:12,447
That's probably my doctor.
Oh, this is all in my head.
433
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,782
I'm gonna go eat a knife.
434
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,493
Attention. Murder has been me.
435
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:17,995
Let me get this straight:
436
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,706
Derek, quote, "made mean eyes at you,"
437
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,542
so you went to Mindy's
house and murdered him?
438
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,819
Yeah, dog, but his
eyes were really mean.
439
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:29,059
You're probably thinking this...
440
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:32,175
but they were more like this...
441
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,053
Jason, why did you kill Derek?
442
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,899
I had to get his giant
head out of the sky
443
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,432
before any of the humans could
see, and it was not easy.
444
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,760
I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.
445
00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:42,719
I hate being scared. It's... it's scary.
446
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,559
I don't have time for this.
I am running a neighborhood
447
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:45,619
and its residents,
448
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:47,579
and Eleanor just casually orders me
449
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:48,909
to make popcorn rivers,
450
00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:52,039
and Brent won't stop
calling me for stuff.
451
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,071
Ugh!
452
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,407
Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?
453
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,867
We'll talk about it later.
454
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,494
Okay, executive decision:
forget about Simone.
455
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,439
Janet, make sure she
doesn't come in contact
456
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,449
with the other humans.
457
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:03,495
Let's focus on Linda.
458
00:18:03,496 --> 00:18:05,125
We ought to be able to figure her out
459
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,579
if we can just liven her up a bit.
460
00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:08,269
We'll just, like, sprinkle some cocaine
461
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,546
on her peppermints or something.
462
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,659
Does anyone else find it suspicious
463
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:14,639
that the Bad Place sent someone so dull?
464
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,379
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
465
00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,499
They are trying to drive us insane
466
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:21,510
by giving us a big boring
glob of plain yogurt.
467
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,227
Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.
468
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,979
Okay, you heard the lady.
469
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,145
We'll meet in the town
square bright and early.
470
00:18:28,146 --> 00:18:29,399
Janet, set up for Flying Day.
471
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,619
Cool.
472
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:33,559
I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.
473
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,129
Off you go.
474
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,991
Whoo-hoo!
475
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:41,819
Linda, how are you
enjoying the Good Place?
476
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,081
It's good.
477
00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,739
Everyone's flying.
478
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:48,126
You don't want to go flying any higher?
479
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,939
No, thanks.
480
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,338
Oh, well, okay.
481
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,239
Says in your file that
you like knitting.
482
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,579
Would you like to do
some knitting right now?
483
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:56,599
No, thanks.
484
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,346
Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?
485
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:03,389
You also enjoyed listening to birds.
486
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:07,020
Man, Linda, you don't even look at them?
487
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,229
Let's go hear some birds.
What do you say?
488
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:11,983
I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
489
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,259
Come on, Lins.
490
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:16,364
You can have literally
anything you could poss...
491
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,739
What the...
492
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,119
Okay, so...
493
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,470
Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
494
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,239
So let me get this straight, Shawn:
495
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,339
you sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?
496
00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:43,630
Yes, he did, Your Honor.
497
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:51,019
Luckily, none of the
other test subjects saw
498
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:52,107
the mess he made,
499
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,059
but he put the experiment at risk
500
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:56,361
and he attacked me and Eleanor.
501
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,779
And I'm sorry, where's your shirt?
502
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,639
I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
503
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,359
Well, keep it there.
504
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,019
Damn it, Chris, you were supposed
to slowly undermine them
505
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:07,339
and gradually sabotage the experiment,
506
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,751
not just go ham on day
two, you fart plume.
507
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:11,710
I told you, I'm not an actor.
508
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,754
And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.
509
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,439
Okay, fine, yes, busted.
510
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,769
I'm a rascal.
511
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:18,959
We'll come pick him up and replace
him with an actual human.
512
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,119
Oh, you will do nothing
of the sort, mon ami.
513
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,979
This outrageous act must be punished.
514
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:27,226
Chidi will be the fourth
subject in this experiment.
515
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,079
No, no, no, no, no, no.
516
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,499
He's perfect because he's already had
517
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:31,644
his memories erased.
518
00:20:31,645 --> 00:20:33,389
Although you can't erase that booty,
519
00:20:33,390 --> 00:20:34,691
know what I'm saying, blondie?
520
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:36,099
All due respect, Your Honor,
521
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:37,193
keep it in your robe.
522
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:40,339
What she means is thank you,
Your Honor, we accept.
523
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,073
Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
524
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,679
Chidi can't be part of the experiment.
525
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,069
They already know that he can improve.
526
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:46,799
That's like studying for a test,
527
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,829
then acing the test. It's cheating.
528
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,139
How is that cheating?
529
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:53,418
You're just falsely accusing
us of what you actually did.
530
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,753
No, that's what you're doing.
531
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,505
Shawn, I don't have time for this.
532
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,719
I just started "Deadwood"... finally...
533
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,819
and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,
534
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,721
so I'm gonna make this short.
535
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:07,899
If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,
536
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,329
I will restart the entire
thing from scratch,
537
00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:15,169
and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids
538
00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:17,269
and make you watch heartwarming videos
539
00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:20,153
of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
540
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,109
Whoa, slow down.
541
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,119
Did you put those trash cans there
542
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,455
just so you could crash into them?
543
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,799
That wasn't my fault, I was texting.
544
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,501
Okay, let him go, dung buckets.
545
00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:34,689
Nice try.
546
00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:38,959
We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.
547
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,699
Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you
548
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,379
not to cheat again.
549
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:44,640
Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,
550
00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:47,739
because we all thought
you were too stupid.
551
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:50,642
Well, it was actually
Tahani who got suspicious.
552
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:54,187
Aww... that is so embarrassing for you.
553
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:56,731
Seems like you're royally
forking this up,
554
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,959
just like we knew you would.
555
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,049
Okay, take off,
556
00:22:00,050 --> 00:22:01,779
and give Shawn a message for me.
557
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:04,359
Tell him that we said, "Boo-yah!"
558
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,499
Make sure you do the hand motion.
559
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,019
Like, "Boo-yah!"
560
00:22:08,020 --> 00:22:09,029
Are you listening to me?
561
00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:10,079
- Okay, Michael, that's fine.
- No, show me...
562
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,319
- show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.
563
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,519
No, it's important that
she does the hand thing,
564
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,835
'cause it really drives the point home.
565
00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:19,379
_
566
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:23,380
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
566
00:22:24,305 --> 00:22:30,698
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