Original subtitles

'Hello? Hey, Rob, it's Steve. 'Hiya.'

'How are you?' Good. Listen, are you free next week to go away?

'Where?'

It's kind of a tour, a tour of the north. A restaurant tour.

Really good restaurants. 'Right.'

'Why me?' Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people, but they're all too busy.

It's a job! I'm not asking you to go on holiday

with me or anything weird - it's for The Observer magazine.

So, you know, do you want to come?

This programme contains some strong language.

Why are we going so early?

Because I want to take in Bolton Abbey, and then squeeze in...

Do a breakfast instead of lunch, and then quickly say hi to my parents.

You don't mind...? Do you mind coming to say hi? Physically?

Yes. Actually visit them? I can't leave you in the car!

You could bring me a lemonade and a packet of crisps!

Leave the window like that so I don't get too hot. And we, and we can come...

I'll bring my parents and your nose is through the gap like that!

You say, "I would bring him in, but he might make a mess."

"From Bolton's old monastic tower

"The bells ring loud with gladsome power

"The sun shines bright, the fields are gay

"With people in their best array

"Of stole and doublet, hood and scarf

"Along the banks of crystal wharf

"And thus in joyous mood they hie

"To Bolton's mouldering priory!"

Sir Ian McKellen. Come, we shall walk together.

Is that why you went to bed early last night so you could learn that poem? Yes!

Mission accomplished!

I don't know why you quote...

You weren't interested in Wordsworth before we went on this trip!

Or Bolton Abbey! This is lovely. This is fantastic. I know it is.

I liked Bolton Abbey before you liked Bolton Abbey!

Why'd you have to do it in Ian McKellen's voice?

What would have been nice is if you'd learnt that poem,

which I appreciate, even thought it was meant to intimidate me,

if you'd got up this morning and said the poem in your own voice and meant the words.

I chose a voice to suit the mood.

I felt Sir Ian, coming as he does from Bolton, would be perfectly suited.

It's a different Bolton, Rob.

Yeah, all right. It's the same word!

I thought he would be perfectly suited for here.

And it is incredible. I mean look, that is in credible.

I'm standing on a grave. Sorry.

Will you be buried or will you be cremated?

I think I would, I would like to be buried so that I have a headstone like Elvis.

Mmm hmm. But I think that when you have a headstone

and you're in a place it puts great pressure on your family,

the surviving family, to visit you.

I'd be happy if you... If you... I'm happy with either.

If they buried you or cremated you, they would both suit me fine.

Would you come to my funeral? Would you turn up, do you think?

Course I would! Would you? Yeah!

If only to pad out the numbers, you know!

You know when, you know when, um, when someone dies and they go to

the funeral and they say, "We should have done this when he was alive! He would have loved this!"?

Mmm. What, cremated him?!

No. You know hearing, hearing the eulogies.

That's what I'll say at your funeral. We should have done this when he was alive! Cremated him!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No riposte from you, cos you're dead.

AS MAN IN A BOX: I don't think you should say that!

In a box!

You wouldn't be able to come back with your man in a box,

even though it would be fantastic if you had, cos you'd be in a coffin.

It would have been the perfect place to do it!

I would literally be a man in the box. I know, it would have been great.

I'll be safe in the knowledge that I'll go, "Great, I can do that and he won't come

back with his man in a box, which would have been brilliant, but he can't cos he is brown bread!"

I'd be there. I'd be there. I'd be at your funeral.

And now from one of Rob's very closest friends.

You'll know him, of course, as TV's Alan Partridge.

And he has asked specifically to come up and take 25, 30 minutes to talk about his friend Rob.

Ladies and gentlemen... S... Shush! Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan.

Oh, you may also know Steve from some of his very good Art House films

that have been very well reviewed by some of the broadsheet newspapers, Steve Coogan!

Thanks. Thank you.

A-ha! Somebody will shout that out, one of my Welsh relatives.

Yes, yes...

Alan Partridge.

Very much alive compared with,

with our good departed friend Rob Brydon.

Rob was an interesting guy.

Very funny, very entertaining and...

and yet at the same time there was something...

that... Although he made me laugh and made us all laugh I think,

there was something about him that was lost, something about him that seemed...

unable to, to confront the reality of life.

And so when I think of Rob I, I think of him with both

a smile at some of the funny, pithy one-liners he would come out with on Radio Four panel shows,

but also for the man inside,

because behind every little pithy,

vaguely amusing joke is a cry for help.

But let's not remember him...

Not gonna finish there, are you? Jesus Christ!

I won't finish there, no!

No, OK. But, but... but, of course, let's not remember a man

who has lost desperately trying to legitimise his life by doing silly

voices constantly and not confronting the truth, let's remember the other side of Rob. The entertainer.

The Rob Brydon, the entertainer.

Yes. Yes. The Brydon who gave some levity...

Yes. ..to our life and helped us avoid confronting the harsh realities,

and helped us avoid looking at the brutal reality of what life is...

All right, talk about some of the characters!

OK! Oh...

Who can forget his Tom Jones impression?

Who can forget that?

AS TOM: "Think I'd better die now." You could say that!

Yes. Huh, think I'd better die now! That's good. Yeah, I know.

I'll take over when you're dead. There'll be plenty of...

I'll do plenty of Tom Jones when you're dead! Don't worry about that.

Ah, why thank you! I'm... Ah, you're welcome.

But there'll be affection there. I'd... I wouldn't... I would never stick the knife in.

I might just like tickle you with a knife.

That's all good sport! Good sport. Exactly!

Should it go the other way...

It's OK. I'm not asking you to do that.

Let's, let's, let's move on. Come on.

No, I'm just saying if it did... Yeah, that's all right.

I would be... I don't need to know!

I'd rather that it be a mystery!

I think if you do die before me it will probably be murder.

Can you leap, can you vault this fence?

Yes. Go on, vault it.

Vault that fence now!

Wait a minute...

Ready?

Ah. OK.

Wait, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

Watch... Watch me.

Uh! Oh!

Bloody hell!

Are you all right? Yep.

Whoa, don't run it!

What?! Don't run! Why!

There'll be moss! Fucking hell!

Jesus Christ. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You've got stuck halfway towards your destination!

You're stuck in a metaphor! I'm not!

You'll ne... Aw! Ooh!

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Ah!

Fuck! It's a metaphor!

That is not a metaphor! Fuck!

Fuck!

You looked at home in the water.

I could see you perhaps branching out into more action roles,

do you know what I mean, as opposed to playing the klutz?

KITCHEN CLATTER

Do you know what, I like this... I like... This is beautiful light.

Very nice light, this. Like a ski holiday.

It's very apres ski. Yeah. It feels apres ski.

No, during ski. Eh? Dure ski.

Yes. Yeah, yes, a lunch break in the middle of a skiing trip, yeah.

Good morning, gents. Good morning!

Would you like an orange juice? I'll... Yes, please!

But it's nice when you have snow. It makes you look healthy.

But this light isn't very good for me.

What does my skin look like in this light?

Well, you know, it's... It's uneven.

It's like the surface of the moon... Fascinating!

Scrambled egg, no mushrooms? That's me.

Look at that! Thank you very much!

Enjoy your meals. Thank you.

People tell me I've got a...

If I have a moan about my skin they say, "Oh, but it gives you character!". It does.

You've got a lot of character(!) Enough for an episode of Cranford!

You're a character actor. It's character. I'm a leading man.

We've been over this, you know.

I'm Dustin Hoffman! I'm a leading man with a character actor's body and face.

OK! Yeah, no that's a fair point! It's a valid point!

It is a valid point. I'll take it on the chin.

Which is difficult for me, but easy for you.

Could land a plane on mine. Yeah.

Wwwrrrrhhh. Wwwrrrhhh. Mmm. A small chin enables you to do it with women very well.

How come you've left your black pudding!

I don't dislike it, but I'm never, I'm never sure about it. I just naturally don't go to it.

It's cos there's a risk involved. It's a taboo.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mwah-ha-ha!

This is just...

really...

glorious!

It's a sunny day in England with a fried breakfast. It doesn't get much better.

This is nice. But if I'm being very honest with you,

I'm looking forward to being home now.

Mate, you and me both!

The most important thing to me is that I have...

that my children are healthy... Oh, yeah, I mean that... that I'm healthy so I can be there for them.

That's more important than any work, any award...

And puts everything in perspective.

You'd throw away all your awards. I'd throw them in a river!

If you could exchange them for knowing your children would live a happy life?

I would happily throw all my awards in a river.

Not the sea. Corrosion.

No, but if I threw them in a river,

if push came to shove I could hire a team of scuba divers to retrieve them.

But, you know, the gesture's the important thing.

family's more important. No, family's more important. Of course it is.

If it was a choice between winning an award and my child being healthy...

Yeah. I would absolutely you know throw them all.

Yeah. Other way around. What if...

If you were to allow your child to have an illness, right, you could win...

Say a BAFTA, you could have a film BAFTA if...

No, of course not! An illness the child would recover from but would have some discomfort. No!

That's a disgusting idea!

Let me up the stakes. Oscar, Best Actor.

Eh, Best Actor, Steve Coogan? What to have an ill child?

Of course not! Well, well hang on, well... Not, not a... What kind of illness?

Appendicitis.

What you mean... So they get, "Oh, my stomach!

Where's Dad?" "Oh, he's on location."

"It's really hurting. Really hurting. Argh!"

Doctor comes in, off to hospital, bang, bang, "Oh, I'm weak,"

then they're better. Meanwhile, "Academy Award Winner, Steve Coogan..."

Well?

Well, now we, now we glimpse the real man.

What do you mean? I'm just thinking it through!

I think the answer's probably I still wouldn't probably.

Very nice. Yeah. If the weather was like this all the...

All finished, gents? Ah, yes. Perfect.

Could we, could we have the bill? Yeah, sure.

L'addition, s'il vous plait.

Will do. Merci.

Grazie.

The bill there, gents. Ah. Excellent.

My dad will take care of that(!) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Funny because it's not... It's so outlandish.

Combien y at-il?

Il est... Look at that, that's, that's the cheapest meal we've had so far and, in some ways, the best!

I mean, not in every way but in some ways it's just...

How much? �24.40. Seriously? Yeah!

THEY HUM SYMPHONY NO. 9 "FROM THE NEW WORLD" by DVORAK

Very nice.

Yeah, it's a lovely, a lovely place to grow up, you know.

Hello, hello! Hiya. Hello! Nice to see you!

Yeah, nice to see you. Hello!

This is Rob. This is my mum. Hello, Rob! Lovely to meet you.

Molly. Nice to see you. Hello! Oh, what a lovely house!

This is Bernard, my dad.

This is Rob, Rob Brydon. Hello, Bernard.

I was just saying what a lovely house it is. Rob Brydon off the telly.

Straightaway look. Hall of fame.

Yeah. Oh, and a daughter!

She's a bonny lass! That's not our daughter, that's our Steven!

He's just trying to be funny, Dad.

Oh! Making a joke, yeah.

Well, he is funny. Well, on occasions(!)

Would you like anything to eat?

And you have to answer without hesitation, deviation or repetition.

Well, of all the beverages that I have consumed the one that I have enjoyed the most and would perhaps

desire at this particular moment would be an English breakfast tea, or perhaps a plate of biscuits...

Err! Err! You said "a" twice.

Well, that doesn't count! Why not?

When you're doing it on the radio you're just meant to be witty and entertaining.

Well, we're not on the radio! We're in my mum and dad's living room!

Steve never liked these things growing up. He didn't like games. Really?

I didn't like sport games. Physical, physical games.

I liked mental games. Come, come, Mr Bond, you enjoy playing Just A Minute just as much as I do!

Err! Repetition of come and just.

Fair. Fair point. We saw your show when it came to Oldham. Did you?

Yes, we did! Loved it! What was your favourite part? They can't think...!

Can't remember! Small angry man in the box. Small man in a box?

Yeah! Ah! Yeah.

I wonder what the small angry man in a box would be saying if he were here right now!

He'd say it's wonderful! All right, that's enough.

He's, he's very... It's very good.

It is impressive. I'll go and make the tea.

Oh, thank you very much. Ah, this is great.

Come on, come on through into... Oh, conservatory!

Into the garden. No, not the conservatory. It's lovely. Oh, no politics, thank you!

Right, here we are, tea for the troops! Lovely. OK! Well...

AS HUGH GRANT: This really is excellent.

Crikey, crikey, gosh, this is... I've been to four weddings and a funeral recently

and not had, gosh, quite, quite such a substantial brew.

Dear, dear(!) That's how you started, didn't you, Steve, with impressions?

It is, yeah, yeah. Moved on now? Mmm!

Well, quit while you're ahead. Move on to more.

It was a shock to all of us when he started performing.

We thought it would be Deborah or Martin. Really?

They were always the funny ones. Yeah, you were always the quiet one.

I was in my own little world. I was sort of... Escape... I was a daydreamer.

AS WOODY ALLEN: I used to daydream constantly as a kid growing up in New York

and I never thought, you know, I'd ever become a great comedian.

You know I just never figured I would...

AS SEAN CONNERY: Whereas I when I was growing up in Edinburgh,

before I became Commander James Bond for me, I was quite withdrawn also.

AS MICHAEL CAINE: I, on the other hand, grew up in the East End,

and all I ever wanted to do was blow the bloody doors off.

I've had to put up with this all week.

It must be exhausting!

Ah, not really. Exhausting for everyone!

Why don't you stop for lunch?

Yes, that would be lovely! Well, no, we should push on really.

Yeah. Oh, nice. Right. What route are you taking?

The... Well, I'm getting on the M60 clockwise and then on the M56, M6.

You want to watch that. Why? There's roadworks all the way from junction 24 to 27. It's terrible.

Really? You'd be better off going anti-clockwise.

Right. OK. Yeah.

Yes, well it's as broad as it's long, isn't it, so, yeah, I'll do that. Good. Good. Yeah.

Really nice to meet you. God bless. And you. Bye bye.

All right, see you, Mum.

Hello. Lovely to see you.

How's Mischa? She's in America.

She is at the moment, yeah. Oh! We, we thought she'd be coming with you.

And we're going through a bit of a hiatus. Oh, dear! Rob's the substitute girlfriend.

Oh. Oh! Oh, I hope not!

No, nothing like that, yeah. How is work? Anything coming up?

Yeah, I've got a TV series in, in America possibly, so... Really!

Great! But it would mean spending a lot of time over there,

that's the problem.

If you need anybody to carry your bags then...

All right, OK. Yeah.

See you, Dad. Ta da. Right, yeah.

Ah. Right. Bye. Now listen, you take care of yourself.

Nothing to worry about.

Everything's fine. Bye, love. Bye. See you.

The car's locked. What? Locked.

Ah, sorry, I thought I'd pressed it.

See you.

BEEPS HORN Bye!

Come on, let's get in.

I've been thinking about the reviews. Have you?

Mmm hmm. Urgh! I haven't.

The Inn at Whitewell was the first one. Yeah.

Yes, it was the first one.

All right, so I thought we could start with

"an attractive setting with welcoming staff."

Or, "a welcoming setting with attractive staff!"

Friendly food, tasty bar staff.

Staff welcomed us with open arms and legs.

Yeah, all right, I know what that's a reference to.

Have you made a decision about America?

Will you stay or will you go?

I'm not... I don't, I don't know.

I love Mischa and I want to be with her, but...

I don't want to talk about it to be honest.

You don't want to talk about it?

Do you want to talk about the things you've gone through?

Though it's hurting me, now it's history.

? Now it's history

BOTH SING: I've played all my cards

? And that's what you've done too

? Nothing more to say

? No more ace to play

? Tell me does she kiss

? Like I used to kiss you... ?

There's a shiver down my arms when I hear that.

? Does it feel the same?

? When she calls your name?

? I was in your arms...

Thinking I belong there. Thinking I'd be stronger...

Building me a fence.

I figured it made sense... Made, made sense.

? Building me a fence.

? Da ah ah ah Building me a home

thinking I'd be strong there...

? Building me a home

? Thinking I belong... ? Be strong there...

? Ah ah ah ah. ? But I was a fool. Fool.

? Playing by the rules.

? The winner takes it all!

? The winner takes it all!

? The winner takes it all!

? The winner... OPERATIC: Takes it all-l-l-l-l!

Uh! Wow. Well, I was up there.

Yeah. I was up there.

I think you strained a little. I did strain.

But I have a wonderful range. I could have done opera.

How many octaves? I don't know! Five. Five. How much is an octave?

Five! Five! All right, two.

For two... Pavarotti struggles to do five!

One. One. I do one. Three. I do...

I don't know how much an octave is!

Well, if you said octave just get your lowest note.

La. La. Hang on, wait, wait, that's not it.

Get your lowest, get your... Well, yes! Lowwww...

OK, do an octave up.

Owww... No, do an octave up.

Well, how much is an octave?

It's just the same note but an octave higher.

I don't know how to do that. Listen! Bah! Bah! That's an octave up!

Right, but don't do it as Roger Moore.

A-h-h-h-h! Come, come, Mr Bond, you enjoy singing an octave just as much as I do!

When I sing an octave up, I sing it for Queen and country.

Although I admit singing an octave up...

I admit singing an octave up with you would be a pleasure.

It's doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh and next doh is an octave up!

? Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

That's an octave up from the first doh! Shh, shush. Uh.

? Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh! ?

No! What?!

? Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

? Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la,

? Ti, doh! ?

Three!

Three.

Three!

? Is the magic number. ?

Three.

? Three times a lady. ?

Doh, doh.

Doh.

Doh, ray...

Terry Wogan is doing it now!

Doh, doh, doh.

Next, you'll be doing the Floral Dance!

? Doh, doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh! Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

? Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh! Ray, me, fah, so, la, ti... ?

That's not! Oh, fuck!

You're terrible! Terrible! I beat you.

I beat you, I beat you. I... Yeah.

You all right with your bags?

Right! Well, thank you very much.

Thank you very much! I really appreciate you doing this.

Let's have a hug. OK. Right.

Rrrhhh! Right, cheers, mate. No, no... Really good.

I enjoyed it a lot and, and, yeah. Right, well...

You're a good, you're a good bloke, I don't care what they say about you.

I'll see you. OK, mate.

Give me a ring and we'll, you know, we'll get together.

All right, mate. We could... All right, bye bye!

Bye bye! TOOTS HORN

Ah! Hello! The traveller returns.

Ah! Hello. Ooh! Sorry. Hello! I've missed you! Yeah!

We've both missed you.

MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC

So how was he? He was his usual self.

His usual self.

This is Mischa. Shut up!

Mmm, this is delightful.

AS RONNIE CORBETT: One of the most delightful meals.

One of the most... one of the most delightful homecomings,

I've ever enjoyed, ha ha ha.

Mmm. Well, it did stick to the bottom of the pan a bit, but...

Did it? Yeah.

Yes, I might have to give you a bloody good spanking.

AS HUGH GRANT: I was rather hoping I might stick to the bottom of your pan later!

ANSWERPHONE PICKS UP

Hi, Emma. This is Steve calling.

Just to say I've thought it over and I, I...

I'm not gonna do the HBO pilot.

I'm not gonna spend seven years in the US.

I've got kids. Yeah, that's it. Bye.

Mmm! Mmm!

I don't like... I don't like being away from you. No.

I don't like you being away from me.

Oh, hello, there we are.

There we go. All present and correct. Mmm.

I think three days should be the maximum that I stay away for.

Mmm. Not this long. Mmm.

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