All language subtitles for The Trip s01e05 The Yorke Arms.eng

Hello. Hey Rob, Steve.

Oh, hiya, how are you? Good, good.

Listen, are you free next week
to go away? Where?

It's kind of a tour,
tour of the North,

a restaurant tour,
really good restaurants.

Right. Why me?

Misha can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people
but they're all too busy.

It's a job. I'm not asking you to go

on holiday with me or anything weird,

it's just for the Observer Magazine.

So, you know, do you want to come?

This programme contains some strong
language

Have you noticed as you get older,
older women... Yeah.

..seem more attractive to you?
And younger women.

And younger women, you know.
Women in general.

Well, yeah, but younger women
cos of their life giving qualities

and older women just cos, you know,
you appreciate personality more.

I thought we'd try and avoid the
A roads, right, and go up the B6255

to Hawes, right? Then cut down
through Ottershaw, Yockenthwaite,

Buckden, down the B6160
through Kettlewell,

then the B6265 through Grassington
to Pateley Bridge, then up to Ramsgill from there, right?

Yes, Captain.
Use the Sat Nav tomorrow?

The thing about Sat Nav, is you don't
know where you're going, you've no sense of geography.

But it gets you
there the quickest way.

It's not about the destination,
it's about the journey.

Ohhh!

Well?

Well?

Did you?

I meet women, I charm them, I seduce
them, it's the aristocratic way.

Women are my windmills,
I tilt at them.

I'm like a knight, a knight of old,
wandering the land.

Don Quixote, yeah?

In a manner of speaking.
A British Don Quixote.

Don Coogan, the Don.

Or Don Coogan,

Don Corleone,

Don Coogan, what have you got?

I like it. Very bad.

Just going to demist the windows,
Rob, if that's all right with you.

You know that song,
I'm Going To Write A Classic, Going To Write It In The Attic?

Adrian Gurvitz.

Christ, you know his name.

Anyway,

I think that song,

whilst it may well have been
written in an attic, is by no stretch of the imagination

a classic.
How do you feel about that?

You're going to write a song in the
attic. I'm going to write a song.

I'm going to write
a reasonably melodic,

ultimately disappointing...

But I am going to write
it in the attic. Good song, but I will be writing it.

It's actually very defensive
saying, you know, you can say

what you like about that song,
right, you can say maybe it wasn't a classic.

OK, maybe it wasn't a classic,
but you know something? I wrote it in a fucking attic. OK?

You try and take that away from me.

This is the room where Adrian
wrote the song.

I mean, we've had it converted.
I mean, in those days, of course,

it was very dark.
There was no natural light.

No, and I think the wallpaper's
very old. It was very old, yes.

There's a man there, too.
It was very old.

Yeah we've got photographs.

I weren't here at the time,
because we met after...

We didn't know whether to keep
it as a box room, or actually

as a sort of guest bedroom, you
know, for kiddies and the like.

Oh, I quite like
the song, to be honest.

Oh, it's a classic.

See that there? That's a brook.
Yeah. You know what's it's doing?

Babbling. Yeah.

The only thing that babbles is a
brook and what else babbles? You.

No, no I ramble. I ramble.
I ramble through the hills and occasionally at dinner parties.

They used to think this was a
collapsed cave but this was actually

formed about 10,000 years ago
by just traditional glaciation.

Well, a big block of ice,
say a kilometre thick, would start

to melt and normally
the water would find tributaries.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Look at that.

The limestone was too frozen for the
tributary... All right, don't talk.

..for the rivers
to find a way through.

Stop talking. Yeah, but as you say,
it's a bit of information.

I don't want to listen
to you all the time.

I don't want to listen
to you all the time. I'm actually telling something useful.

I've been absolutely silent!

I'm telling you something
useful about this! I'd rather you didn't explain.

I'd rather just look at it.

You're just annoyed
because you don't know.

I'm not annoyed, I just want
to look at it! Just be shush.

OK, all right. Yeah, I never thought
you'd tell me to shush, honest. Wow.

"Five years have passed...

"Five summers
with the length of five long winters and again I hear these

"waters rolling from their mountain
springs with soft inland murmur.

"Oft in lonely rooms,
mid the din of towns and cities,

"I have owed to them in times
of weariness, sensations sweet."

You know where that was written?
Tintern Abbey, Wales.

I know, that's why I asked you.

"Oft, in lonely rooms,
with the din of towns and cities,

"I have owed to
them in hours of weariness."

Spoiling it, you're spoiling it. Why
do you have to do it in that voice?

Come on, let's head on up. Where?

Up there.

Serious? Yeah.

No. Why? It's too dangerous.

You've just got to make sure
you've got secure footing.

They've got hats and backpacks.

The backpack makes it harder.

I sometimes get like a fluttery
heart, like an arrhythmic heartbeat and I've got it now.

I get it when I'm stressed.
All right. Well, I'm going that way.

I'll be about a couple of hours,
all right? How long?

Two hours. Two hours?

Yeah. If it gets to three,
then mountain rescue.

If you break your leg,
don't come running to me.

Ha, ha, very good.

Steve!

Steve!

Be careful!

Afternoon. Good afternoon.

Lovely day. Beautiful, yeah.

Absolutely superb. No, it's magical.

Yeah, we're very fortunate today.

Have you been around this area
for a while? Yeah, I'm aware of...

Are you? Oh, that's excellent,
you know about the limestone a wee bit, without being clever.

So you'll know that it started off
life in the Bahamas, somewhere along that sort of latitude.

Land mass was part of Avalonia.

That's right, yeah, yeah. Which
had joined onto Laurasia, of course.

And world famous Malham
limestone pavement, I suppose you would describe it. Yeah.

And Malham Cove,
it's in many, many textbooks.

Yeah, well aware of it.
And photographs, tremendous.

The only disadvantage with
limestone, although very hard rock,

road wearing and all the rest
of it, coarse based stuff...

Yes. ..it dissolves in weak acid
and the acid derives from water,

rainwater, which combines with
carbon dioxide in the atmosphere

and then the rain falls onto
the limestone, which is calcium carbonate, and the features

that we're looking at, these linear
features, began as basically cracks in the rock as it lithified.

That's right, yeah. And, of course,
they dissolved into the width that we see today, as have,

not only the longitude ones,
the east, west ones.

Same thing.

But the features on the surface are
indeed very famous indeed.

You'll see a number of these
little potholes. Oh, yeah.

They are water solution holes.

Brilliant, yeah. Known as runkarren.

Yeah. And the long features
on the surface are the rillenkarren. Now just now.

Fantastic. It's fascinating stuff.

Yeah. OK, I'll be on my way, thanks.

Righto. Cheerio. Bye.

There we are. The York Arms.

Wonderful. Wow.

This is your room, sir.

Oh, beautiful, yeah, that's lovely.

The bathroom's just over there.
Yeah.

Oak, nice oak.

If you need anything,
we'll be in reception.

OK. Can you get phone reception
round here?

No, sorry, but if you go round
the lake, you can have some reception there.

Great, lovely, OK. OK.

Hello. Hey, hey.

Where have you been?

I called you four times last
night, you didn't call me back.

I know, honey. Listen, look, well
these restaurants that you picked are

great places but the phone
reception sucks, it's really bad.

Have you been doing drugs?

No.

No, of course not. You know where
I am right now? I'm in a field.

I mean it's a very
beautiful field, really gorgeous

but, you know, I can't really
enjoy it. I'm with a short,

Welsh man who does impressions,
it's not fun.

So are there lots of pretty
northern waitresses up there?

No, there's no beautiful
northern waitresses.

They're all Spanish or Polish
or from somewhere.

Great, so they're beautiful Eastern
European waitresses up there.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Listen, you're the
one who said we were taking a break,

so, you know, what do you expect?

Does that mean you've
been with other girls,

because we're on a break?

I wish you were here.
You could have been here with me.

Yeah, I know. You chose not to be.

Well, you know where I am.
You can come and see me anytime.

Oh, Christ.

Look at the time, got to go, Steve.

Hope you get reception
again sometime soon.

OK. All right, yes, thanks.
Bye, baby. Bye, bye.

OK, bye, bye.

Cor!

Cor! Cor!

What is that, a sonar?

Cor!

Cor!

Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor!

It's got to be, "Cor!"

Cor! Cor!

Cor! Cor! Cor! Cor!

Cor!

Cor! Haaa! That's sonar. You sound
like a submarine clearing its throat.

Sound like a Scouse submarine.

Cor! Haaa! Gentlemen, have you...

Hello.
..decided what you'd like?

Could I have the

souffle start
and then the lamb, please?

Of course. Thank you.

The tuna followed by the cod, please.
And then the cod. Yes.

Lovely, thank you very much.
I'll take those for you.

Thank you very much.

OK, thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, do you know that ABBA song,

that Winner Takes It All?
Oh, yeah. The reason that song has so much pain is because he wrote

the words for her to sing

about their break up, but he wrote
the lyrics from her point of view.

? I apologise

? If it makes you feel sad

? Seeing me so tense

? BOTH: No self-confidence

? But you see

? BOTH: The winner takes it all. ?

It's a bit presumptuous that he's

saying that she has
no self-confidence.

She might say, "But wait, I have
plenty of self-confidence, I'm just sad about the breakdown. ".

One souffle, one tuna away, please.

? I don't want to talk

? BOTH: About things
we've gone through

? Though it's hurting... ?

All the S's are high, like,

? Though it's hurting me

? Hurting.
Now it's history. Hurting.

Don't make it like
the Chef from the Muppets.

? Though it's hurting me... ?
Herde, gerde, gerde.

He was Swedish. He wasn't in ABBA.

? Now it's history

? I played all my cards. ?

Now you sound like the Nazi from
Inglorious Bastards. Who I look like?

Yes. Now it's hurting
I played all my cards.

Now it's hurting me and now I'm going
to kill some Jews under the floor.

MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISES

That's what you've done, too.
That's what you've done, too.

The winner takes it all, Mr Bond.

Come, come, Mr Bond,
the winner takes it all.

Come, come, Mr Bond,
you enjoy playing all your cards just as much as I do.

When I play my cards,
I play for Benny and Bjorn.

HE LAUGHS

I found the song quite moving.

Would you like
to come through to your table?

Thank you.

One tuna, one artichoke,
one onion tart.

Thank you.

Thank you, oh, look at that,
souffle.

Mm, that looks.

Wensleydale souffle,
toasted grains, tomato and vanilla.

Wensleydale? Wensleydale souffle.
Cracking cheese, Gromit.

And the sea tuna with tartare
of vegetables. Thank you.

Thank you very much, enjoy,
thank you. You like that?

If he found that amusing
then I despair.

Mm. Tuck in.

Ahh!

That's gorgeous. That's lovely.

What's that like,
what flavours are you getting?

It's almost like sort
of, the texture of the tuna is extraordinary, there's no softness.

Can I say something,
can I give a comment and then don't take this the wrong way?

Yeah, yeah. I'll decide
how to take it but you go.

You're struggling.

You struggle to find words
to describe tuna, right?

And you've gotta find 600 words,
so what I'm saying is what Yolanda

was saying about making it
more quixotic,

write about the people,
your adventures.

Write about Yolanda.

I don't want to write about that...

Change her name, change her name.
Write about the Polish girl at Whitewell, what was she called?

Magda, Magda. Magda, Magda and you
could even invent something about this one here.

Can you give me peas and garnish
for one lamb, and one fish.

That's your roast cod
with truffle and spiced cauliflower.

The saddle of Nidderdale lamb with
mutton pudding. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

All the most interesting people are

imperfect, it's their imperfections
that make us interesting,

because within their imperfections
and their, if you want to be judgemental, misbehaviour

lies getting to the route of
the human condition. You know.

Like Elizabeth Taylor,
Oliver Reed, Richard Burton. "What a piece of work is man.

"Form and being how express
and admirable in action, how like a angel in apprehension, like in God.

"Oh, and yet to me, what is this
quintessence of dust?" Mm, from Port Talbot you see.

Yeah. You've got Hopkins, me,
Richard Burton and Michael Sheen.

Four great...and I don't put
myself in with Michael Sheen and Anthony Hopkins. That's wise.

No, I put us in with...

comedians with entertainers.

We? You're talking about
we like we're the same.

Are you serious? There's
a crossover but we are not the same.

Do you really think, Rob?

We're not in the same group
as Michael Sheen, Anthony Hopkins and Richard Burton.

Straightaway, let me distinguish,
I'm a triple BAFTA winning comic.

Comic, comic.
Comic actor. Yeah, right.

I'm a triple BAFTA winning
comic character actor.

Actor, right, yes.

You're a zero
BAFTA winning entertainer.

BAFTA nominated. OK.

How many Oscars did Richard Burton
win? Do you want me to tell you?

Zero. Zero.
How many times was he nominated? Shall I tell you? A number of times.

Shall I tell you? Seven.

Yeah.

Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton.

The Port Talbot four.
That's what we're known as.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Michael Sheen.

AS DAVID FROST:
"Hello, good evening and welcome."

We couldn't have done that the way
that Michael does it, let's face it.

We could not have played... We? We?

Yeah, we're not the same,
we're different animals.

No. We couldn't play those parts.

You're not the same as him,
I'm more similar to him.

Well, why don't you do the
sort of roles that he does?

Because no-one will
give those roles to me.

I've got an albatross round
my neck and it's got the face of Michael Sheen.

Do you try for those roles?

Yeah. Michael Sheen gets them all.

Michael Sheen's very good. Brilliant.

He's not brilliant, he's good,
he's solid. Oh, no, he is brilliant.

I'm fucking brilliant.

Yes, but not in the same way.

Michael Sheen
couldn't do what you do.

Michael Sheen couldn't play Alan
Partridge, or Pauline Calf. All right?

But equally,
you couldn't play David Frost.

Ah! I don't believe
that you really believe that I couldn't play David Frost.

Of course
you could play it, I mean bloody hell, the waiter could play it.

That's the point.
But how well are you gonna play it?

Very well.

"Hello, good evening and welcome."

I mean Michael almost doesn't have
to say the words, he can just go...

and you know what he's doing.

You were just jutting your chin out,
I don't know what you were doing.

Mm, that's me.
If Michael did it, people would go, fucking hell, it's David Frost.

Well, you know, I got down
to the last two for Peter Sellers.

Yes, you did and on that count,
as I've told you many times before,

you would have been
better than Geoffrey Rush.

I was actually in that
film, have I told you this? No.

I played Dustin Hoffman, seriously.
Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar.

I have got the worst speech
of Dustin Hoffman. Really? Yeah.

He says, and I learnt this right.

AS HOFFMAN: "I refuse to accept
that I'm better than Jack Lemmon, than Peter Sellers, than..."

whoever else the other one was.
He could have turned down the award.

He could have turned down
the Oscar if he refused to accept.

Yeah all right, that's not
the point. I'm just saying that I was in it and I got cut out.

You would have been very good.
He's another one who fits into your theory.

He lived a very bad life.

AS INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU:
Yeah, "Yes, of course, the phone, yes.

"Ah, yes, of course, the phone.

"I want your phone." Well, that's
an approximation of... "I'm an

officer of the leeeer!".
Yeah, I mean Inspector Clouseau was not really Peter Sellers.

"I want your leeeer..."
AS PETER SELLERS: Peter Sellers

had a slight sort of nasal quality
to his voice when he was speaking.

He tried to make it sound cultivated
but he had a sort of Mid-Atlantic

sort of drawl that he'd perfected
when he'd been in Los Angeles so much.

AS PETER SELLERS IN 'THE PARTY':
Oh, are you going to the party now?

Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity,
bumpity, bumpity, bump, bump, bump.

Please keep going.
Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bump.

Goodness gracious me.

Can you just wipe down, please.

Special. Oh, wow,
thank you very much. Look at that.

Thank you very much.
A chocolate inverted comma.

You've got an ironic desert.

Thank you.
Apple Breton with lemon sorbet and croque monsieur and your chocolate

desserts, a warm chocolate fondant,
chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan and a chocolate caramel tart.

Thank you very much indeed. Could
you have put any more chocolate?

Would you like some of that?
Yeah, OK, yeah.

Good, isn't it?
I'm sure people think we're gay.

Oh, I don't care.
No, I don't either, I don't care.

"I don't know where you are,
somebody get me out of here."

Who'd have thought that
would catch on, hey?

Got an iPhone App with
that on it now. Really?

Mm, haven't launched it,
I'm about to launch it.

About to launch an iPhone app with
your small man in a box. Yeah, Rob Brydon's small man in a box.

I'm not a good businessman,
I'm an artist, I'm cursed to be

flawed in my business ventures
but that's the lot of the...

Of the artist.

I can do funny voices, though.

I know you can. I can do my silly
cartoon voice, hello, everybody.

That's a good one.
My dad's Rob Brydon.

Welcome to the...

Well, I don't know what to say.

Gotta tell you that
the food here is terrible and such small portions.

Sex without love is an empty
experience, you know, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

Yeah, sex between two people is
a wonderful thing, between three it's terrific.

No, really, I enjoyed making love
last night, it was the most fun I've had without laughing.

You know, they tell me my ex-Wife
was violated in the street,

I said, "Knowing my ex-wife it was
probably not a moving violation".

My mother-in-law came to the house,
they said, "How do you wanna speak to her? I said "Through a medium."

That's Woody Dawson.

Sex between two people
is a wonderful thing, between three

it's fantastic. Three is terrific.

Oh, yeah. I met my wife on the
Tunnel of Love, she was digging it.

My mother-in-law said, you know,
she wants to dance on my grave, I'm gonna be buried at sea.

Yeah, it's not as good
as Les Dawson's voice.

The way he does it was better.
It was, I think so.

But then I couldn't imagine him
in Annie Hall.

No.

I'm having a hot chocolate, Stephen.

Times is golden. I opted out
of the tea or the coffee.

For Ben's pals, now he's got stereo.

Rob, have you ever thought
of doing a sponsored silence?

Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you very much, thank you.

There you are, darling.
Thank you. Because I talk so much?

Cos I think you would make
a lot of money if you did, really.

Mm, thank you.

Right, give it to me gently.

Why are you laughing?

I just had a horrible image go
into my head. �96.40. Really? Yes.

Considering this is
a Michelin Star jobbie.

Yeah, and we had a fair bit of wine.

Yeah, I'm very pleased
with that. That's right, yeah. Mm.

"Hello."
Hey, Joe, it's Dad.

Yeah, I know your name
comes up on screen.

Oh, that's good.
Gonna cut to the chase.

I spoke to your mum, she told me
what happened the other night.

"I was just with some friends,

"you know, it was only a drink,
just having a bit of fun.

You can't do that. If you work hard
and, you know, then you

can always, you know,
enjoy yourself at the weekend.

But you've got to rein it in during
the week. You have to, all right?

OK. How's the trip?

It's...it's good,

you know, it's...it's...it's...

it's kind of enjoyable.

Rob's been, you know, a bit of a
pain in the arse but I tolerate him.

How long have you known him?

Rob? 11 years, something like that.

It's amazing.

"Is it?"
Yeah, such a long time.

Yes.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Yeah, he's a good friend.

"Yeah, I miss you."

Yeah, I miss you too.

OK, listen, I'll be back soon and
we'll have some fun time together.

"Yeah."
Constructive fun time, all right?

"Yeah." All right, listen,
love you, take care and behave.

"Yeah. Yeah."
All right, mate, see ya.

Hello, could I speak to the lady
of the house, please? "Hello."

Yes, I hear your husband's away,
I thought I might come round

and take you up the old

Dog & Duck.

"Oh, how are you?"

I'm all right. Were you awake?

"Yeah, Chloe's been crying a lot."

She's not ill, is she?

"No, no." Oh, right. Fine.

I am once again bottomless.

"But you never get cold being
bottomless." No, I don't, I think of you and I just let him free.

I let him off the lead as it were,
let him run round the car park,

in the hope that he sniffs
up something interesting.

He's under there now, there's only
a candlewick bedspread between.

"Oh, candlewick bedspread,
that's not very sexy."

Well, there's a phone resting on
him as well, so if the phone begins

to move, I'll know that you're
weaving your magic as it were.

Oh, help me,

I'm small and I'm stuck in a box.

Come and help,

I'm trapped in a box.

I'm trapped in my box.

I'm trapped in a box.

Oh, help me, I'm trapped in a box.

Help me, I'm small.

Help me, I'm small and I'm
stuck in a box, stuck in a box.

I'm small and I'm stuck in a box.
What d'you mean? What's a matter?

What's happening? What's happening?

I'm small and I'm stuck in a box.

What's happening?
What are we talking about?

I'm small like you, I'm stuck
in a box, you know what I'm saying?

CARTOON VOICE: I don't care about
silly voices. They're stupid.

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